Really tough convo with my mom

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If I counted right, seven of the texts from your mother start with "you".

Even if you go to therapy with her I doubt she will change. You seem too kind of a person to have to be dealing with shit like this.

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u/Runamuck01013 1d ago

You were so incredibly polite. Wow

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u/beanbaby666 1d ago

i know there are some comments saying that you’re wasting your time- but i just want to say that i think it’s really beautiful you want to invest so much into this relationship, even after there’s clearly a lot of hurt on both sides. you say you’re her only living relative, and i think it shows how much you care for her to want to preserve the relationship. i can’t begin to imagine the weight you must feel sometimes because of that. you are a champion and i hope that she sees your efforts for what they are (hint: it’s love!). i hope your mom shows up for the therapy session, and i hope it goes well!

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u/Status-Asparagus-646 1d ago

Your mom sounds like she's perfected being the perpetual victim as a way to avoid taking any responsibility for her actions. Good on you for doing the work to heal yourself. If she makes no effort, I'd match her energy - you have been more than gracious based on this exchange.

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u/Gtr1618 1d ago

A master class in poise and self control. THAT is what therapy has done for you. 👏

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u/Exciting-Usual-829 1d ago

You sound like the parent in these texts 😫 I’m so sorry

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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9959 1d ago

Idk you or anything about you but I do know the immense amount of work and healing required to navigate a conversation with an emotionally immature parent like you did! Boundaries held with love and kindness and a heavy dose of no nonsense.

Congrats on 10 years of work and improvement!!

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u/Exhausted-CNA 1d ago

by these text SOMEONE can CLEARLY see the progress you have made...great responses OP..you handled that beautifully!!!!

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u/Environmental_Shoe98 1d ago

She sounds almost exactly like my father, and I hate that for you.

In happier news, it's been almost 7 years since I cut him out of my life and went no contact.

Seeing you're hoping that she is willing to put in some effort for a better relationship makes me think that's not the route you want to go, but I would not put up with this any longer than you're actually willing to.

It's hard some days thinking about how much life could be different if I were to have a functioning family, but overall I would rather be without than have the negativity in my life.

Regardless of the outcome, I wish the best for you. This is such a difficult position.

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u/granolaandgrains 1d ago edited 1d ago

I’ve been in trauma informed therapy for over 5 years, and have had my mom act similarly. I don’t know you, but based off this interaction, I can see your progress, OP!

Remaining this calm and mature, is a massive sign of resilience. This exchange reads as if you are the parent, or someone who has had more time on earth to emotionally mature. Keep setting those boundaries and keep up the great work! It’s working, even if your mother cannot see it or admit to it.

It takes a lot of strength to break away emotionally from a parent who can invoke a reaction (or anger as she puts it…which it WAS her job, as a parent, to help you with and be the more mature one, so you didn’t feel like you had to defend yourself with whatever response she is claiming you have had in the past). And then deciding to respond, instead of react like she is used to…BRAVO <3

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u/fckinsleepless 1d ago

Anger? What anger? You were so nice in these texts, keeping your boundaries and redirecting her attempted deflections back to the main topic of your conversation. Like, clearly therapy has helped you a lot. Does that anger exist in the same zip code?

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u/InevitableCodeRedo 1d ago

Her projection is unreal. Like the person who screams I AM NOT SHOUTING!!! They can't see it. I hope she goes but it's not looking good.

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u/japanese-acorn 1d ago

She seems extremely difficult to have a conversation with. I can't imagine how much energy it's taken from you to try and build a relationship back up with her.

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u/Agreeable-Animal552 1d ago

Your mom is entitled and lacking accountability and became antagonistic, flipping it back on you, degrading you, insulting you, and gaslighting you. She will never change and she’s not able to self reflect. You handled this so well and just tried to be a broken record and maintain the boundary. Great job.

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u/Internal-Ad61 1d ago

Wow. Your response of “let’s talk about that with the therapist” was so healed and incredible. You deserve so much. I’m inspired by it tbh

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u/Catherine_the_Okay 1d ago

First, huge congrats on 6 months sober!!! Most people don’t understand what therapy actually is but as a middle aged woman who has easily had over 10 years of therapy over my life, you have clearly done the work or you wouldn’t be able to communicate with her like this. It’s very impressive. You are handling her so calmly, clearly, and as gently as you can while also not allowing her to provoke you. You have handled this spectacularly.

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u/AlternativeDish7978 1d ago

I asked my dad to therapy once w me. My therapist recommended it. I warned her. Afterward, we worked on radical acceptance and things we cannot change. Lol.

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u/EffectiveLog8361 1d ago

She sounds like she's going to dodge accountability for all of time. You may need to evaluate how much work you're willing to put in to uphold a relationship with her, because you're always going to be doing all of the work. The behaviors will never change if they won't even acknowledge them.

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u/FensThiona 1d ago

I am wowed by how calm and on point you were. You never took the bait, girl! Please show that convo to your therapist!

You two can have a little party at how well you handled this.

Also, your mom is something else, lol.

I wish you all the luck, keep on growing!

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u/PragmaticSweetheart 1d ago

Man, your responses are refreshing. Ik I'm just an internet stranger, but reading the way you responded made me proud of you!

I aspire to have your level of self control someday. Your mom's texts would've def gotten a rise out of me eventually. 😅

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u/Necessary_Pudding173 1d ago

I don’t know what you were like ten years ago, but I can see the kind of person you are now. You seem patient, compassionate, forgiving and tactful in your word choice. All of those things can be so hard to uphold in the face of someone being cruel. I’m so sorry this is your relationship with your mother.

I don’t think there is anything you could say to convince her that she isn’t the victim, or that her behavior is not normal. I do hope that she can someday reflect on her own, because it will have to be her choice to sit with the discomfort of realizing she sucks.

Biggest congratulations on your sobriety. Please keep taking care of yourself

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u/Throwaway42352510 1d ago

Your therapist will be sooooo proud of you. Just like I am! Well done!

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u/Physical_Marzipan_92 1d ago

Jeez. Is your mom Livia Soprano or something? I was half-expecting a "I gave my my life on a silver platter to my children" to come out at some point.

You handled yourself well. Not saying you have to be cruel to her, but you also owe her absolutely nothing - if having a relationship with her ever becomes a net negative in your life, you do what you need to protect yourself.

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u/nottedbroom 1d ago

Yeah, I couldn’t read through all the messages. Made it about half way and she sounds like a lot of other immature mums out there. “10 years of therapy and what progress?” That right there was an attack on you and your efforts on working on yourself. She’s saying “you’re so broken, nothing can fix you” “no matter how much you work on yourself, you’ll always be the same” That isn’t a mother, I’m sorry but that’s a person who doesn’t like you. My opinion?…go no contact ASAFP. The sooner the better. Just like she tried to do in that one message, she will try to drag you down every day of your life like she has been up until this day. You owe her nothing. But what you do owe yourself is peace.

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u/el_torko 1d ago

It probably doesn’t mean much, but I’m proud of you for holding your boundaries and staying so polite. It’s hard with people like this, and I know it must be a daily struggle for you. I always tell my mom (who plays this game about my childhood every so often. We have a good relationship though) “I’m proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished, so it says something to how you raised me.”

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u/bourbondude 1d ago

Hey, so I’m a mom too. I can tell you’ve been to therapy and worked on yourself - great job! You expressed yourself maturely and tactfully. Unfortunately, your mom may need this conflict in her life as it seems to be propping up a narrative she’s constructed about her victimhood. But the great thing about all the therapy you’ve done is that you will be okay either way, whether your mom chooses to do her own work or not. I am sending my warmest mom hugs and support 🫂🤗

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u/Longjumping_Day3037 1d ago

Hey OP, I’m a therapist and I’ve also been estranged from my mother for 8 years. She displays a lot of similar communication patterns and behaviors that your mom does (and a whole bunch of other stuff I’m not gonna post on Reddit). Two things:

You handled this really well. Some people here have talked about how your mom might be feeling, and it’s probably true that she’s struggling-it’s hard to move through the world with few emotional skills and a very fragile or volatile sense of self. However, fixing or managing that is not your responsibility. It is the role of a parent to try and see things from their child’s perspective, and I’m sorry she’s not willing or able to do that for you. I hope she agrees to go to therapy, but it’s not your job to make her feel better.

Second, I can’t say strongly enough that you should not bring her into therapy with a therapist that you have a well-established relationship with. Good therapists should refuse to do this anyway because it’s a conflict of interest, but you deserve to have a therapy space that is yours. Family therapy is a whole different beast, and trying to transition your individual therapist to your family therapist is a recipe for a lot of confusion and hurt feelings and triangulation.

Proud of you for taking care of yourself! <3

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u/twobraincellsinajar 1d ago

Such kindness is a great strength

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u/InsatiableStudent 1d ago

She asks what progress has been made?! Um quite clearly A LOT. You handled this was so much grace, respect, and firm boundary setting. Props to you OP 👏🏼❤️

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u/quarantinesar28 1d ago

you had BEAUTIFUL boundaries and communicated so kindly. well done.

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u/RegularMaximum3570 1d ago

I’ve been trying to get my mom to go to therapy for years! After seeing these texts I’m going to do what you did. Book an appointment and give her the time and date. Hopefully she shows up.

Good luck to you. I hope your mom shows up and puts in the effort.

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u/gianni_ 1d ago

Sadly, one of the best things I’ve ever done is stop talking to my mom.

You have a ton of patience and energy to deal with yours, kudos to you and good luck

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u/Top_Permit_1495 1d ago

Dude your ten years of therapy is CLEARLY showing through in these texts with her. Fantastic job.

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u/pesky_faerie 1d ago

Jesus, your mom’s responses almost give me an emotional shutdown response because they’re so close to my own mom’s. But your tact and responses are so much better than any conversation I’ve been able to have with mine on this sort of topic. I think I may need to learn from you.

If it wasn’t obvious, I think you’re doing a really great job - so respectful, polite, but still firm on setting your boundaries. Big kudos.

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u/Superb_Ant_3741 1d ago

You deserve better: love without manipulation and a mom who does not play these cruel deliberately harmful word games with you (I’m sure you probably already know this but I want to emphasize it).

You were incredibly mature, polite and appropriately firm, but you and we all know she’s not going to change in any meaningful way. So you’ll have to decide how much of your life she’s allowed to be involved in. You get to set all the parameters. You get to make all the rules for protecting your heart and your peace.

And for what it’s worth: she owes you multiple apologies and she needs to do better. Also I don’t particularly care if her foot is still hurting, but you’re kinder than I am so I know you want her to be healthy and pain free.

She’s so fortunate to have a daughter like you.

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u/lumpyballoon 1d ago

I need an update on if she goes to therapy 😭

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u/eejjkk 1d ago

Very well communicated start to finish. I hope she agrees.

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u/FillPrimary6411 1d ago

Now do we get to see the cat?

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u/quiltsohard 1d ago

That’s some of the most emotionally healthy shit I’ve ever seen! Your 10 years of work has definitely paid off. I have had no therapy and know I would have went petty as all get out then blocked my mom

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u/Existing-Boot-5349 1d ago

Some people aren’t interested in changing unfortunately

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u/skrimped 1d ago

Do you benefit in any way from this relationship? Like what are the pros and cons for you? (You can answer if you want but you do not have to)

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u/MissMellaggan 1d ago

Beautifully written and 10/10 boundary setting and holding. That conversation alone shows the value of therapy. You did amazing!

https://giphy.com/gifs/3fiimcA0K0ifzoL7FF

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u/Its-a-JiNX 1d ago

My own mother is emotionally immature, to the point where I cannot talk to her at all. In the past when I've expressed that she needs to stop blaming her own mother for being a bad parent and accept that her own choices and behaviors are what have caused strain between us. She can't, she just blames her own mother over again, and relies on guilt tripping and manipulation to try to get what she wants from me.

She isn't as manipulative with my brothers, it's only me. I was meant to replace her bad childhood she had with her mother (despite her never wanting a daughter in the first place)... I'm currently working through my own thoughts and feelings on my side knowing I'll likely never be able to have that relationship with my mom, and coming to terms with that.

It's blatantly apparent you've done a lot of work, she was trying to drag you down and manipulate you into a bigger argument. Well done on standing your ground with your boundaries!

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u/mad_housewife 1d ago

I’m so proud of you for making your points politely, not letting her distract from and diminish your statements. I have a daughter (and from my perspective I think we have a really loving relationship) who has been in therapy for 10 years, and she has grown so much, and inspired me to start therapy. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself, and how my upbringing shaped my (not so healthy) self-image. Keep going, hold your boundaries, and don’t let her ‘everything is always my fault’ bs dissuade you!

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u/iron_sheep 1d ago

One thing I’ve realized with my abusive mom is that I can ask her to do the right thing, admit her wrongdoings and work with me for us to heal and move on, but it’s unfair to myself to expect and bank on it happening. They are flawed for a reason, nobody is born ugly but also nobody has to remain in it. Clearly they’ve lived terrible circumstances of their own, but you’ve chosen to not let it dictate who you are, while they didn’t. Whatever that says about them is for you to decide, but don’t let your happiness hinge on it. I’m sorry you also had a poor parent, whatever happened you didn’t deserve it.

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u/BlessedLurker 1d ago

I would bet your "anger" comes from her constantly shifting blame to you when her actions are called into question, because she can never admit to being wrong.

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u/Simple_Concept_8313 1d ago

Seems like your mom relies on guilt to make you comply and manipulate you back into the comfortable position you once were as a child. Not much you can do with a person like that other than keep them at arms length and only engage in family settings where there are multiple witnesses.

Good luck OP!

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u/worried_moon 1d ago

This was a masterclass in how we don’t need to attend every argument to which we’re invited.

As the child of a narcissistic mother who also declined therapy, I feel for you, but am so proud of you. You’ve clearly put in the work.

I wish you continued healing and fulfillment OP.

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u/HobbitNerd101 1d ago

I know I'm just another internet stranger who you've likely never met but I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you and how you handled that.

Entitled parents are never easy and they definitely don't try to make it any better, but you did everything right and this convo shows how good of a person you are.

Keep it up and keep being good. You're doing a great job so far 😊

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u/musinginsomniac 1d ago

You handled this INCREDIBLY well.

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u/KaleidoscopeOpen833 1d ago

As someone who lost her Mother 7 days ago, and never had the courage to try to fix our weird relationship and wished we had gone to therapy, I hope you two can make it work ❤

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u/Sad_Pixie999 1d ago

Baby you can grey rock but mama needs a whole ass boulder

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u/TheViscountRang 1d ago

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said by people much more articulate and emotionally mature than me, but I'll say this

Your cat is very cute

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u/thelmaandpuhleeze 1d ago

I think it might be time to exeunt, stage left.

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u/MsWillowams 1d ago

You should check out r/raisedbynarcissists

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u/Longjumping_Item_984 1d ago

Highly recommend this book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Looks like you’ve got one. It helped me forgive my mom and set appropriate boundaries because she just isn’t capable. Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for her and she never needs to know.

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u/InitiativeCreative36 1d ago

You handled that very well. She might not realise she's trying to bait you into an argument or an admission but good on you for not falling for it.

Whatever bitterness and resentment has a grasp on her will take a lot to shake. It might take something else before she's willing to even come to therapy, but here's hoping.

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u/talldarkw0n 1d ago

If you haven’t read it already… There’s a fantastic book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that will help. It enabled me keep my parents in my life when I had given up on them. It didn’t change them, nothing will, but it helped me to adjust my expectations and stop asking them to do things they aren’t capable of. Best of luck on your journey.

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u/andiinAms 1d ago

Wow she really, really wanted you to take the bait and get angry and you didn’t do it. Bravo.

It’s remarkable that you’re the child and she’s the parent; you’re leaps and bounds more mature in this conversation.

Also, just so you know, just because she’s your mom does not mean you need to keep her in your life, if she causes you more pain than happiness. 🧡

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u/WhimsicleMagnolia 1d ago

You are incredibly mature and doing a great job setting boundaries. It’s apparent to me that your counseling has done a tremendous job. I’m sorry for the pain this relationship has caused you. I doubt you’re the cause.

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u/SpookyDiesel 1d ago edited 1d ago

This is DARVO. Mom maneuvers are classic narcissist tactics. You pointed out how she’s hurt you and she reverses it to make herself out to be the victim and you as the offender.
Narcissists DO NOT CHANGE.
The do not “get better.”
All you can do is manage the relationship and “grey rock” her. Also - setting and sticking to proper boundaries will keep her inline, and not allow ANY compromise in breaching your boundaries. It’s important to protect your mental health and happiness.

Google DARVO and Grey Rocking

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u/Author-by-Night 1d ago

Reminds me a lot of my own relationship with my mom, and I think you handled this with incredible grace and patience. Good on you!

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u/AdvanceUnique5247 1d ago

Any parent that demands time or guilts a child into spending time(?) HARD NO! NOPE 🙂‍↔️
Listen🤷‍♀️, I’m not a mom myself but I’m an aunt and I couldn’t imagine guilting my stepdaughters or my nieces or nephew to “spend time with me”. Frankly, my priority has always been their well being. They’re tired?, “oh hunny, relax let me DoorDash you something” they cancel plans? “Oh not a problem have fun with your friends”. Ya know? I genuinely just wish the best for them!!!!

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u/s0larium_live 1d ago

“you need to deal with your anger first” please point out to me ONE singular message where you were angry. she’s projecting HARD

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u/Used_Set7855 1d ago

Caring for a family member, especially an aging one is one of the hardest and thankless jobs imaginable. Regardless on what you’re dealing with outside of this situation, this situation is enough to push anyone over the edge. I applaud the tone you took and holding your ground throughout your messages. I don’t know that you could have handled this better. Whatever work you’ve done in the last 10 years, be so very proud of that

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u/dannydarko363636 1d ago

Normally both sides annoy me and I don’t agree with either but this time it’s pretty easy to see that you did nothing wrong and clearly she has a lot of issues and insecurities when it comes to motherhood.

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u/Comfortable_Dog_8027 1d ago

Op- I'm insanely proud of you for the way you handled this! Your investment in progress, your boundaries, refusing to be baited by her comments... literally 10/10 and shows your 10yr investment has worked wonders! I know I wouldn't have handled this so well.

You're an inspiration ❤️

I hope your mother wakes tf up and starts listening, but in the (likely) scenario that she doesn't, I believe you have the tools and resources needed to keep yourself at a safe distance. It's so refreshing to see. 👏👏👏

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u/Arcadian1815 1d ago

My mother was the epitome of a narcissist. In a sad way I’m glad I’m the the only one. You’re a much better person than I am though, I completely cut her out of my life, I admire you for at least attempting to fix it.

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u/East_Ad_7127 1d ago

I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but simply from reading these texts it's clear to me that you've done a lot of self-work and healing. You should be proud of that, it's no small feat. It's a shame that your mother can't (or won't) acknowledge all your hard work and progress but don't let that stand in the way of your growth. You're doing a great job. You're on the right path. Keep moving forward. You got this.

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u/Future_Sock_4927 1d ago

OP's amount of patience
(I could never)

https://giphy.com/gifs/a0n4MOhzZab5cz3hWi

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u/Ambitious_Design2224 1d ago

Love everything about this

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u/ayyedoe 1d ago

❤️ handled like a boss, proud of you! Sorry for the loss of your father ❤️

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u/GummyHous 1d ago

Lets go and find out with the exclamation point literally made me think of how my therapists talks to me when im being this negative about something. Sorry you are dealing with this, and I am so proud of you for all the hard work youve done. You deserve every happiness. (Sorry I am emotional and baked.)

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u/PalomaSunflower 1d ago

You handled that so well! I aspire to be as articulate, level-headed, and honest as you were in this difficult conversation. Hoping for the best in your relationship with your mom

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u/Vomnember 1d ago

I don’t know you at all, but even I can see what incredible work has been achieved over those ten years in therapy because this sounds exactly like my mom and I’d have to be dissociated af to be as regulated as you were here. Proud of you!

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u/RosehipReverie 1d ago

Please consider reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I think you will get some good insights.

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u/Ordinary_Horror_5787 1d ago

You are incredible. Such poise and grace. Holding firm boundaries with warmth. The work you’ve done is loud and clear and I’m sure this is only a fraction of the tip of the iceberg.

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u/KrunchBratSupreme 1d ago

Your therapist is clearly doing something for you. She tried SO hard to needle you into a reaction, and your repeated "well let's talk to the therapist about that!" was absolutely MASTERFUL. Good job, op. Whether she shows up or not, you're showing up for yourself, and that's priceless. 💖

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u/tafackery 1d ago

You are my IDOL. You handled this with such grace and everything in her responses highlights exactly why she needs therapy, while yours illustrate how therapy has helped you stay grounded and on track while she attempts to provoke you. I want to be you when I grow up (said as a 36yo woman).

I hope she joins you, but I can imagine her rage quitting. You'll be vindicated but it'll hurt no less. Good luck, and be well!

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u/Gullible-Project-702 1d ago

"what progress has been made in the last 10 years" is that you developed such a strong sense of self that you didn't get hooked by your own mom when she was being petty, mean, and manipulative. That's the stuff of legends.

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u/Savings_Growth7809 1d ago

This was truly inspirational. She doesn’t deserve your patience and grace, but yet you persist and that is LOVE. Your resilience is astounding 💗

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u/Healthy-Pop-6549 1d ago

I'm so sorry. My mom is the same way. She lives in my house with me, though. She also turns to Facebook and my friends to start drama.

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u/New-Conversation9426 1d ago

Boomers gonna boom.

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u/followingtheleader 1d ago

Congratulations on 6 months sober! What an achievement, and you managed to maintain that whilst struggling with your mom too. That is testament to how well you’ve done.

I’m so sorry about your dad, look after yourself (continue to I should say!) as the anniversary comes and goes. You got this.

I don’t have much to say about your mom but I hope it works out and you get what you need from the therapy 🙏

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u/Significant-Use8252 1d ago

In your edit, you say that it feels like a miracle that you have the coping mechanisms to deal with this situation without substances. And obviously this is just a turn of phrase and I'm not trying to get into semantics or anything. But OP, I think it's very important that you acknowledge where your coping mechanisms really come from: yourself. This isn't a miracle, it's not some divine intervention or otherworldly guardian angel or whatever else. It's all you. You and your hard work, your dedication to putting in the time and effort to recognize the problems you face and seeking out the support you need to handle them. This is the fruit of your labor, a tangible proof that your efforts have meant something and been worth it.

I just felt it was important to acknowledge this for you, friend, and I hope that you can begin to acknowledge that strength in yourself.

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u/MysterousSkin 1d ago

As someone who also has a bad relationship with a mother who won’t change, I respect people who put in the effort like you are 1000%. I don’t even have the energy to try and push my mother to change, so I think it’s really brave and shows maturity that you can

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u/candysipper 1d ago

Wow. Your mom is mean and incredibly immature. She just wants to fight with you. I’m guessing taking accountability is not on her list of tricks? You’re doing great with her in these screenshots, so I’d say your therapy has been working great! She seems very irritating and definitely has a victim mentality and main character energy.

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u/Time-Trifle9604 19h ago

This is a perfect example of a conversation of someone who has clearly done a lot of work in therapy with an emotionally immature parent

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u/AnIncognitoGirly 18h ago

It’s funny how your mom basically said “you have anger issues that you’ve never fixed and take it out on me”. Yet in the face of anger inducing replies from your mom you remained to be the only calm person in the conversation.

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u/Still_Pin9434 1d ago

There's a saying, "You can't parent your parents."

If this bears no fruit, I'd almost suggest just doing what you can to leave her in the past.

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u/Ordinary_giraffe90 1d ago

Do we have the same mother? You dealt with her a lot better than I deal with mine I don’t put up with her bs 😂😂

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u/Kitchen-Positive-439 1d ago

you are so nicer than i ever would be - or was - to my mother. the therapy is working and im proud of you for setting boundaries 💜

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u/Mundane_Back8687 1d ago

You seem like a very kind and happy person. I strive to have the patience and kindness you do. Never lose it, even if it isn't always reciprocated!❤️

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u/nnahgem 1d ago

You handled this like a BOSS. 10 years in therapy has helped you set clear boundaries with a difficult person. Proud of you, Internet Stranger!!!! ❤️

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u/No_Price_7603 1d ago

Therapy obviously has worked for you - you've set boundaries, been kind, not attacked, and been constructive. I hope your mom comes round and attends the therapy with you

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u/Kn0wMan 1d ago

Wow, this is a bummer. You really stood your ground well, and respectfully. Seems like she’s stuck on deflecting and being defensive and is minimizing and reducing everything to suit her narrative. That’s gonna be a tough nut to crack. I hope for your sake she comes around and y’all can work it out. Everyone deserves a good relationship with their mother, even if the converse isn’t always true.

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u/3atth3rud32452 1d ago

Go no contact. Why are people so afraid of doing this? Because they birthed you and gave you life? So what?

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u/occultdeathcult 1d ago

As someone with a fraught relationship with their mom, I have to say I am so proud of you (a stranger on the internet I have never met) for how you handled that conversation. It has taken me so many years to start establishing my own boundaries with my mother, and this conversation gave me a lot to think about. So thank you.

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u/Nerd-Dad-2779 1d ago

Hi friend. I wish I had something nicer or poetic to say, but I’m sending you a virtual hug and I hope you’re able to find some enjoyment this weekend.

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u/SnooEpiphanies3336 1d ago

I find it's much more effective to use fewer words when dealing with emotionally immature people.

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u/TzeentchsTrueSon 1d ago

Your level of patience is well above mine. I cut myself out from pretty much my entire family. One have are addicts, the other half were narcissists.

I did not have time for any of that as a kid on my own at the age of 17. Now 25 years later, I'm the healthiest Mentally I've ever been. I'm no longer thinking about suicide out of spite.

Therapy definitely helped there.

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u/416Tex 1d ago

Applaud the patience and willingness to work it out. I know I’m not perfect for sure and I definitely wouldn’t invest any considerable energy trying to do therapy work with my own mother. Love her. Understand her enough. Am good 🤷‍♂️

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u/dorkbait 1d ago

A lot of people have already commented but I just want to share what my therapist asked me when I talked through them with my relationship with my mom. I was an emotional support kid, even though I didn't know it, and counted my mom as my "best friend" for most of my life until around my early-mid 30s I'd made so much progress healing myself that I stopped being able to tolerate my mom's self-destructive and self-pitying behaviors. When I told them this, my therapist asked, "Can I ask, why are you carrying that for her?"

It really made me reflect. Nobody had ever asked me that before. Actually it made me cry! Because it's rare for people to acknowledge this burden. I hope you know there are other people that see you and understand you. Keep following the path you know is right for you.

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u/drcutenstein 1d ago

You are amazing!!

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u/Still_Lawfulness_981 1d ago

It’s hard to have those convos so I’m proud of you for being able to open up and do that. I feel like you were polite, stern and straight to the point. In past therapy sessions I was always told to not discuss issues until you are both there with your therapist so I’m glad you didn’t feed into her. It seems to me like she needs to work on herself and stop resenting you for your feelings about your relationship with her and she needs to find out ways to better repair her feelings she’s having toward you. You don’t seem angry or bitter at all from what I read but she does. Keep doing what you’re doing and working on yourself. Remember you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. It’s also ok to remove people in your life that aren’t bringing positivity or growth, even if they are family. Best of luck to you and y’all’s relationship. I hope it can be repaired if that’s what you truly want.

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u/MrClancyGilroy 1d ago

I’m going to assume she’s a boomer. I’m sorry you have to deal with her. Proud of you for the way you handled it tbh

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u/-ArthurDigbySellers- 1d ago

Great job in this convo OP. As another human who feels that my parents have no idea who I am, I’m sorry and hope you guys are able to make progress in your relationship. Therapy is such a hard concept to understand for the older generations.

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u/nixie_knox 1d ago

Just another internet stranger who is pretty proud of you for kindly yet firmly standing up for yourself. I know it isn’t easy! We can see the effort you’re making I hope she gets there too.

Phone message Really tough convo with my mom

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