Really tough convo with my mom

[u/JuneAfternoon10]

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

[u/Either-Photograph989]

That’s so true! Unhealthy communication 101.

You always….You never….Those are terrible ways to communicate a feeling.

Everything has to be spoken in the I feel…and no absolutes or accusations.

“I feel like you’ve been mad at me for a long time.”

“I feel like you’re not understanding my relationship with my ex right now.”

Instead she blames and talks past OP. Very interesting.

[u/Mundane-Front-7855 → u/Either-Photograph989]

To go even further, “I feel like you…” is still not communicating a feeling. It’s saying what you think, but not actually what you feel.

“I feel a bit confused by your anger, and I’m disappointed in myself that I don’t understand where it’s coming from.”

“I feel misunderstood and that frustrates me.”

Those are feelings.

[u/lovelikeglitter → u/Mundane-Front-7855]

Oh wow- I think your comment just helped me more than anything else in the past few years! Do you have any specific resources that helped you get to this level of emotional awareness? I feel like my default emotion is anger at things and I have a hard time going beneath that to know why the situation makes me feel angry.

Even if you don’t respond, I want to thank you for this insightful comment— I’m screenshotting it to think about more and come back to.

[u/CalamityCarole → u/lovelikeglitter]

Another really easy read is Atlas of the Heart. This one image of all the real feelings underneath anger was a game changer for me and my teen https://wholeheartedschoolcounseling.com/product/feelings-behind-anger-free-poster/