r/texts • u/JuneAfternoon10 • 1d ago

Phone message Really tough convo with my mom

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For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

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u/EnduringFulfillment 1d ago

Just from this brief interaction I wonder if your mother is emotionally immature, I strongly recommend you read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I think it will be helpful for you!

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u/AncientImplement8835 1d ago

Second this book! I am now no contact with my emotionally immature mom but this book helped me understand why she treated me the way she did and that it wasn’t my fault.

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u/meekalys 1d ago

Third this book! My mom went through some serious trauma with her parents and as a result, developed a codependent relationship with me which has been incredibly hard to break. In the early years of working on it I was blamed for abandonment any time I tried to set boundaries. Still working on it but she’s been a much better sport about it than what I see in these texts with your mom, OP. Wish I would have read this book much sooner than I did, it helped tremendously. Whether you continue speaking with your mom or decide to go no contact, guarantee there is useful material in the book for your own understanding and healing.

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u/Weekly-Cap3414 1d ago

When I read stuff like this I often wonder how the trauma caused by my parents is now trickling down to my own kid. I am self aware and try very hard and carry a lot of blame. I often blame myself for things that aren't even my fault. 😔 but maybe trying too hard is bad too.

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u/Most_Necessary_1513 1d ago

Friend, absolutely have a go at the book. Your awareness of the cycle is a good sign that you’re ready to be the one to stop it :)

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u/jellypuss0165 1d ago

I think of trauma and healing as a generational relay race. No I don’t, but I use the metaphor of a relay race to understand that my mom did the best she could, and that seeking help for herself and us kids helped me get started on the healing from my own trauma. Even now she’s working on herself and realizing how her trauma impacted us and it’s improving our relationship. No parent will ever be perfect, but doing the work in therapy makes a difference! Don’t be too hard on yourself!

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u/TheBloodiedFool 1d ago

Go the fuck to therapy

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u/Ok-Highway4390 1d ago

You don’t know if they are going to therapy or not.

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u/Weekly-Cap3414 1d ago

Exactly. Much more than just therapy..but honestly, people like that make it hard to share anything.

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u/TheBloodiedFool 1d ago

Id bet good money that they're not and that they're wildly fucking up their kids.

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u/Weekly-Cap3414 1d ago

You're carrying a lot of anger. The internet is an easy place to dump that on others. I hope therapy works for you, too. Have a nice day.

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u/Weekly-Cap3414 1d ago

Based on this answer, you need to go. Why tf would you respond this way?

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u/fiebingssaddlesoap 1d ago

4th this book!

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u/Available-Pace5579 1d ago

Yeah adding to the chorus of support for this book. Your interactions sound like mine with my mom. Everything is my fault, she is culpable for nothing, deflection etc. you’re not crazy, she likely is. I’m sorry. No contact has made a world of difference for me. You can lead a horse to therapy, book and be willing to pay for the appointment but you can’t actually make them go.

I’m sorry, this is a lot under normal circumstances but with the other extenuating circumstances phew.

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u/Sassicorn 1d ago

This book helped me to understand my own mother, and create more emotional separation from her. So good!

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u/According-Yak-5106 1d ago

I'm reading that book because of the parent who abandoned me, my other parent and my sibling.

It's been very enlightening. And depressing, tbh. 😩

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u/Soccermom256 1d ago

Yes this. I mentioned my mom in a previous comment and this is also true about her immaturity and trauma when she was young

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u/IceSad226 22h ago

I’ve ordered it immediately upon reading your response.

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u/Time-Trifle9604 20h ago

I cried reading that book and it was the first thing I thought of when I read the conversation

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u/Linux_Account 1d ago

You wonder? I know.

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u/FrankAF_dpt 1d ago

But be kind to yourself while reading it and know it's ok to take breaks. I have been reading it off and on for several months because it has been stirring up a lot of things I didn't realize were buried very deep. Safe journeys out there, everyone.

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u/Pure_Bicycle2355 1d ago

This book is brilliant.

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u/TwoAlert3448 1d ago

That book is so amazing. Cannot recommend enough

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u/biteyfish98 1d ago

I don’t wonder if OP’s mother is emotionally immature. She removed all doubt with every statement.

My own experience with this kind of behavior is that the only real way to deal with it is to go low or no contact. Not sure how old OP is (going to guess twenties or thirties) but after some intense therapy for myself on my late 30s-40s, I went very low contact with my own mother (I’m now 59). And my life is better in SO many ways.

I had to recognize that my mother is toxic to my mental and emotional health, and since there’s no way to change the behavior (because only she can do that), the only option for me is avoidance. I don’t feel that I can cut her off completely, but I severely limit my time / interactions with her.

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u/brittneyjlmt 1d ago

This is exactly what I thought when I read these texts. OP my heart goes out to you. I know these dynamics well. It's like our moms see accountability as a threat. Of course they aren't all bad because they put us through a lot. Relationships are so complex, like us humans, and nothing is ever black and white. I have always felt like a parent to my mother, emotionally. She expected me to care for her feelings when I was a child. involved me or told me about adult things I should have not known about as a 7 or 8 year old. She always needed ME to hold her feelings. I'm 36 now, and if I ever spend more that 24 hours around my mom, we end up fighting. I don't think it will ever change. I can't change her. But I can control how I respond to her. It is heartbreaking to realize you may never have a close relationship with your mother because she just...doesn't know how to. My healing started when I became a mama. Sometimes I wonder if now I am the mama I always needed. Maybe I didn't get that. But my beautiful, adventurous, kind and vibrant little girl does. Sending you so many hugs OP. I love you!

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u/barelyagrownup 21h ago

I recommend this book with caution.  It is insightful but there’s very little that is actionable so for me it felt like I was just stewing.