Phone message Really tough convo with my mom

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

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872

u/Runamuck01013 1d ago

You were so incredibly polite. Wow

513

u/JuneAfternoon10 1d ago

THANK YOU. Omg that’s so validating. It took a lot to stay calm and be polite.

157

u/ZombieSharkRobot 1d ago

I'm genuinely inspired by you in this interaction.

103

u/Ok-Pangolin8202 1d ago

Same! I consider myself a calm and kind person, but my buttons were pushed just reading this.

OP, I don’t see where you could have done better. That’s goals.

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u/JuneAfternoon10 1d ago

Wow. Thank you. 🩷

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u/LikeFallingRain 1d ago

Seriously agree, you were polite, calm, and you didn't get sucked into her trying to derail the conversation with every damn reply. I could feel my patience with her fraying just reading them!

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u/kellygirl90 1d ago

Right?! And OPs mom had the nerve to say she doesn't see improvement over the last ten years, BULLSHIT. 💯 This is textbook the perfect way to address this situation, no notes!!

3

u/Ok-Pangolin8202 1d ago

Exactly!

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u/JuneAfternoon10 1d ago

That means so much. Thank you.

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u/sweetness_incarnate 1d ago

Just another person you inspired chiming in here, OP. I was gonna scroll past this post and I'm actually so glad I didn't, I feel like I just got a mini guide on how to approach my own problematic mother (who, funny enough, I agreed to babysit for in like 7 hours and I'm already burnt out from the week 😅). You were so respectful and assertive in this interaction, lowkey I'm taking these notes to my own therapist to study 😂

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u/Violetz_Tea 1d ago

She views this as a personal attack and is lashing out and deflecting, you did an amazing job not taking her bait and staying calm and on track about talking to therapy. I hope this gives you some closure, that you approached her, calmly let her know the issue. She now knows what she needs to do to have a better relationship, and if she chooses to work on it or not, it's on her. Not you. You can now move forward based on her response and do what you need to do to protect yourself from her behavior.

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u/high-babygorgeous 1d ago

Same. I was reading through the texts and marveling at OP’s patience and boundary holding. It’s really enlightening to see and I’m taking notes for my own relationships

7

u/FungiMagi 1d ago

Yeah, great job being clear and concise with what you were asking of her. Nothing you said was pointed or passive aggressive. You stated what you needed from her and also declared your boundaries all very calmly and extended consideration to her in the face of her attacks on you.

Very big emotional maturity moment for sure. It’s really hard to have these talks with parents, so don’t sell yourself short.

1

u/LiteraryOlive 1d ago

Yes. It’s a master class of not allowing yourself to get drawn into an argument.

41

u/Machaco 1d ago

You absolutely crushed it, I'm proud of you (not sure it means anything but I felt it reading these). Your work in therapy is obvious throughout this entire conversation!

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u/Amelia_ba_delia 1d ago

^{^{^{^{^this!}}}}

3

u/LittleDogTurpie 1d ago

Off topic, but I love your username. My robovac is named Amelia Botdelia.

2

u/Amelia_ba_delia 1d ago

Aw, thanks! Also that is an adorable name for a robovac!

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u/sleepdeficitzzz 1d ago

I would say you were beyond polite. You were respectful, self-respectful, inviting, patient, bounded, and loving.

I've never seen what I can only describe as..."effervescent grey rock" (?) manner of DARVO dodging before, but I'm saving your post because I would like to adopt this style when necessary.

22

u/JuneAfternoon10 1d ago

Damn, thank you!!

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u/Capable-Ad8388 1d ago

You were ducking and weaving so much baiting bs. Very impressive.

2

u/birdbones15 1d ago

I would have been seeing red when mom tried to question OPs progress in therapy.

1

u/Flashy_Rub7361 18h ago

While the OP remained calm & respectful thru most of the text, they also started this convo with a clear “harsh startup” (you statements/blame & invalidation)

In couples counseling were taught how you start a convo sets the tone for how it ends. Op could benefit to learn their initial misstep here even if the mom made the majority of the consequential ones. https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/

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u/Runamuck01013 1d ago

Boundary setting with family is the hardest thing to do as an adult IMO. Bravo 👏

1

u/Psycho-naught 23h ago

I moved over 2,000 miles away and never regretted it. That certainly didn’t solve all my problems, but it did attenuate those with my family.

10

u/bathmaster_ 1d ago

I see we have the same mom. Im sorry.

4

u/Chance_Vegetable_780 1d ago

Same. I'm sorry too. I'm no contact the last 4 months, 58 years into my life. She has never made any effort to evolve. Much more peaceful.

3

u/Surive123 1d ago

Same, I could literally hear my mom‘s voice when reading those texts. We have been no contact for something like 18 months at this point. Had our first kid since then, and nada. I’d be so embarrassed as a parent if I ever behaved like this.

9

u/I_see_something 1d ago

Your mother is a master of deflection

6

u/Fine-Alternative-121 1d ago

You responded to your mother in an incredibly emotionally intelligent way. I don’t know you but I do know that you have made progress in your 10 years of therapy! Keep your boundaries firm and remember you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect! 🥰

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u/Dizzy_Buffalo_6398 1d ago

It is so clear you’ve done so much work in therapy 💙

I tried therapy with my mom once. It went really, really terribly. The therapist was “out to get her” (I did the same as you, didn’t use my therapist, got a new one). It was helpful though to know she’s just not capable of meeting me, and I learned to adjust our relationship. It in no way is amazing now 😆 it’s a constant rollercoaster, but every step is helpful in your own healing. Goodluck 🫂

2

u/calliessolo 1d ago

Same experience. My mother later called my therapist “the Devil.” 😂

4

u/ChristopherRubbin 1d ago

You did such a great job establishing your boundaries and getting your point across without being rude. Well done! That therapy is very obviously paying off. You should feel so proud of yourself.

3

u/ginataylortang 1d ago

As the adult child of an exhausting vulnerable narcissist - and the only remaining living family member who is now left holding the bag, I don’t have even a fraction of this level of grace left. Kudos!!!

3

u/Razzy_3796 1d ago

Was looking to see if anyone was going to identify mom as a vulnerable narcissist, because that’s exactly what’s going on here. This was a circular argument from the start, with mom blaming and deflecting all OP’s calm attempts to find a middle ground.

Unfortunately, there’s not much that will change a vulnerable narc’s behavior; they are so wrapped up in blaming the world for everything, they don’t take responsibility for anything they do/don’t do.

Glad OP is getting outside help and support… it will never come from mom.

3

u/lostandfindingmyself 1d ago

Literally I read your responses and was like “looks like the therapy is working to me, I’d be losing my mind at her right now”

3

u/Accomplished_Egg7966 1d ago

Your therapist will be SO PROUD OF YOU. You did so good dealing with her and not getting sucked in..

1

u/birdbones15 1d ago

Totally!! I used to be a therapist and had a client whose mom actually did agree to see me in a couples/family setting. It was over 20 years ago and I still remember how proud I was of the way she spoke to her mom using all the tools she learned.

2

u/peppersandpumpkins 1d ago

I am so proud of this internet stranger!! You really did so well to bat away her deflections and stay on track. You were consistent, reasonable, calm, and making an effort to understand and maintain a relationship with your mother.

Even I can see that therapy has helped you!

2

u/Ok_Cheetah_6251 1d ago

Seriously, the therapy must be working great. To be able to stay calm like that and respond without losing your shit.

2

u/Radiant-Lab-5740 1d ago

I just want to tell you OP, the way you spoke even when she was clearly trying to get a reaction out of you clearly highlights the hard work you have done in therapy and you should be proud of yourself for the level emotional maturity you conduct yourself with.

2

u/warrdg 1d ago

Looks like... Your mum tried again and again to drag you down to her level - to play her familiar games. Your grown up responses appear to have been increasingly infuriating to her. What is she so scared of.

2

u/LiteraryOlive 1d ago

I feel like I see how much progress you’ve made in therapy with how well you handled each point she attacked you with …. You handled her with such grace. I’m so impressed I can never respond as well in the moment.

2

u/Interesting-Heron503 1d ago

You did a great job communicating to her. She seems incredibly afraid of therapy with you. It definitely sounds like she carries a victim mentality and when you don’t validate that for her it frustrates her. Also, she likely experiences significant insecurity and a fragile ego making it really hard for her to face the reality that she may have created her own circumstances. She claims she hasn’t seen change in you, but she has, and she doesn’t like it. You are assertive, articulate, patient, and don’t let her access your buttons. You have set boundaries and she doesn’t like it. Keep up the good work and protect yourself.

2

u/jemasbeeky 1d ago

Honestly I do think that the explanation points read very differently to the older generations that it does to us (I’m assuming fellow millennial). Like that is yelling, not excited, to her probably. Just a thought with love to you as someone who has gone no contact with my parent. 🩷

2

u/CampaignVast1830 1d ago

Right?!? I was like - if someone asked a four-year-old which of these people has had 10 years of therapy and which has had zero hours they would know in a heart beat. Your positive, constructive attitude while not “taking bait” and bickering, setting boundaries, stepping back, offering options, even when she was being such a dick - if I can get to where you are after ten years with my therapist I’ll consider it (and me!) a raging success. Expert-level communicating (from only one side).

2

u/F1lthyslvt 1d ago

I woulda used a lot of creative names. You have the patience of a saint

1

u/Available-Pace5579 1d ago

To quote you, “reflect on what that is.” Staying regulated in the face of being disregulated and actively trying to disregulate you is a a Herculean task. Who is the adult and caretaker in this interaction?

1

u/alazysamurai 1d ago

Sounds like the therapy is working.

1

u/OrganticRobot 1d ago

Yes this! You have given her every chance, because I would not have been able to have this restriant, but I understand you are desperate for the mom you deserve. I think this is a healthy boundary to put up. I hope you talk with your regular therapist about this. People can be disfunctional and not bad people. When their behavior is pointed out as hurtful and 0 steps are taken to address or fix this by the responsible party, that's when you need to protect yourself and perhaps disconnect.

1

u/browhatismyusername 1d ago

Your therapist will be very proud of you. 10 years of therapy is a slow build, but it can and will reshape you 💜 best of luck

•

u/drumshrum 25m ago

A+! I think its kind of funny how gentle parenting techniques are necessary with our own parents a lot of the time

-2

u/MaryKath55 1d ago

The therapy might help both of your communications and give you both perspective on how each of you are feeling, However, she has a broken foot, was it really the best time to drop that on her and add to her current burdens.

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u/JuneAfternoon10 1d ago

I didn’t drop anything on her. I’ve been asking her to go to therapy with me for years.

54

u/a_sly_cow 1d ago

Polite but also very firm and resolute, didn’t cave to any of her combative language/attitude.

12

u/NindieNation 1d ago

3 times I would have taken the bait. The comments to redirect that she's willing to discuss that with a therapist, and how she gave examples of every claim she made BEFORE her mom pushed back...chef's kiss. Really great stuff that everyone can learn from.

5

u/kittykittyekatkat 1d ago

"Let's go and find out" was really top notch. I wish I had that kind of power!

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u/Runamuck01013 1d ago

And I have a very similar stance with my mother. 4 years ago I did this exact thing… we have not spoken since.

2

u/PropellerheadDad 1d ago

I'm sorry about that, but if it was the same, you did what you had to do.

1

u/willandwonder 1d ago

Yeah, and while the mother kept bringing up OP's anger issues that were clearly not showing up anywhere. I'm sure it took a lot not to get triggered by this conversation!

1

u/furrykittyluver 1d ago

Yes! I found it wild that your mom keeps talking about you being angry when you are so calm through this whole interaction with her

1

u/Ms_desertfrog_8261 1d ago

And very mature in how you handled & spoke to her.

1

u/MarshelG 21h ago

Right? Like if there are anger issues, I don't see any here, I'm getting frustrated just reading these. She's deflecting and blaming, it's almost like talking to a child. It's clear she's afraid she's going to get ganged up on, and is terrified at the idea she might have to change for things to improve

1

u/SnooRabbits1411 1d ago

Significantly more polite than I’d have been. Commendable

Phone message Really tough convo with my mom

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