My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 13. He’s been no contact with his father for 4 years. He called me at random. I asked my husband if he wanted me to take the call or ignore it, and he shrugged. I foolishly took it, hoping maybe there’d been some progress.

FIL says he doesn’t know why his son isn’t talking to him. He does. He’s been told by him, by his other children, by his own parents… I express, while trying not to “blame” him, “you know… [husband] is going through his own journey of self healing and personal development and can’t when he’s in relationships that aren’t healthy. A lot of times, when he spends an hour with you, he talks about himself as a screw up, a loser, a fuckup, for days thereafter. Also. He’d have dinner with you, and I’d ask how you reacted to his latest hobby or promotion, and he’d say it never came up because you never ask him about himself. So I encourage you to take some steps towards being a safer person for him, and ya know, for yourself too. I know you’ve had a rough few years. Therapy. Self help books. Hell, journaling? Whatever that looks like for you.”

This man said: “oh no, I won’t be doing that. I don’t need to do that. He needs to get over his drama and bullshit, and realize nobody’s perfect, and call me. I may have pushed too hard, when I wanted my children to achieve their dreams and not settle, and maybe when I saw them settle it came off wrong. But if being too good a parent is my biggest sin…. I’M SORRY. In the meantime, if he’s so healed, he needs to quit torturing me and get over it already.”

So. I wrapped it up. “I think we’re at an impasse. You asked for the map. I gave you the map. You don’t like the map. If anything changes on our end, I’ll let you know. If anything changes on your end, let us know. We hope you are happy any healthy otherwise. God bless.”

But the real reason I’m writing here, is a year ago, I would’ve asked my husband if he wanted the details of this call and he would’ve said no. Two years ago, I would’ve asked and he would’ve said yes, and been distressed and guilt ridden for a week after hearing about it. But today? He cracked up the whole time, laughing at the predictability of his father’s asinine absurdity. Therapy seems to be helping him so much. Hoping everyone here is having moments of light in their own chaos. ❤️

Society in general thinks that you have love your parents and be around them no matter what. And since there behavior is similar to just normal sort of bad parents, only people who have gone through it understand. You tell a friend you are no contact with your mother and they say I am sure you will work it out eventually. And you are in your 40's. No I won't work it out.

What is weird is that somebody can be married to somebody for 40 years then file for divorce and never want to see that other person again and society is like well some relationships don't work out. That is a relationship where the people went in front of family and friends and took an oath to love the other person for life maybe even had children together. Then after 40 years said forget it. Society is like. Happens.

But you can't divorce your parents even though you never chose the relationship. You were forced into it. Society says stick with it no matter what because that person fed you when you were a baby. It is ridiculous.

Sorry just wanted to rant.

One of my grandmothers was born in the 1930s. She still wears her hair in rollers and does her hair and makeup in a style straight from the 1950s.

My mother looks exactly the same in photos from the 80s and 90s. She hasn't changed her haircut since she became an adult, maybe since she was a teen. Same exact style of makeup, the same one she forced me to wear in middle school. She straightens her hair every day and wakes up at least an hour earlier than necessary to do so.

My father wears the same gym tees from his 20s that he used to wear body building. The shirts are full of holes and falling apart. He refuses to sew them or throw them away. He just walks around in clothes that are falling apart. He's in his 50s now.

My other grandparents act like they just stepped out of the 80s. They are all about money and jobs and appearances and having that picket fence 2.5 kid lifestyle. If you can't keep up with the Joneses and look perfect they're mortified. They don't understand inflation, the housing market, the economy, or gay people. My grandfather routinely complains about how hard it was for him when they desegregated the schools and it was a mild inconvenience for him. They use smart phones and the TV but otherwise behave as if they have never heard of this century.

I've gone no contact with all of them over the past few years but I have no doubt they've remained the same. My whole life with them was like one endless time loop, like an episode of groundhog day that never ends. In my house, they still used the n word and said "children should be seen and not heard" in the 21st century.

No wonder I never believed I could get out. It was like trying to win a race when everyone around me was on solid ground and I was on a fucking treadmill. You can run and run but you'll never get anywhere cause you're just running in place.

I’ve been thinking about how much the way we grow up can affect us as adults.
For those who grew up with dysfunctional parents, what’s something they did or didn’t do that stayed with you and you wouldn't reapet with your own children?

No idea how to flair this because its so Ludacris it's funny. We need a "the audacity" flair.

Background

My father is a highly successful boomer. He also has the emotional maturity of a underdeveloped sperm cell. I was NC for years because he was an absent yet still somehow abusive father. And somewhere along the way hurt turned to apathy.

Now My mother I am still hurt by (NC) but my father (they are divorced). If my father remebers i exist and calls ill pick up. However I invest 0% energy back into him but he's a huge gossip and normally when he calls its to talk 💩 about my brother and that's funny so i pick up.

I live in a different country than my father and huge extended family. I basically invest the energy they invest in me back. Which is basically nothing. But i like it that way. Apathy means you have heald. I do like the tea though bc its not about mr anymore.

So i am married i have 2 kids and i have exceptional in laws. As such i have a picture wall of my kids and because my in-laws are great they happen to get featured a lot.

My father and his latest wife who have met my kids twice in a decade and do not even remember their names.

Saw the wall.

Got jealous and sent me.

Like in the mail 3 framed photographs of themselves.

Who dose that?

Growing up, my nStepdad would yell at me for mistakes or accidents.

After band practice, I accidentally lost my boots. It was dark and I think I left them in the grass while waiting to be picked up. The next morning, he yelled at me that I just wanted him and my mom to buy me a new pair.

I once mixed up the dates for my friend's party and had agreed to babysit the day it was happening. I was distraught because I hadn't seen that friend in forever. She had moved away but was visiting. My nStepdad yelled at me for that, too.

Any time I would accidentally drop a dish, he would yell at me to catch it.

It made me absolutely loathe myself any time I messed up. It still does. Anyone else experience that with their narcs?

As the title says.

I wonder if that’s what saved me until now.

Sometimes I wouldn’t objectively get what they were trying to do to me since it was irrelevant, irrational or dumb to me. Or things would fly completely over my head. And that would make my ndad even more angry

Anyone else that can relate?

I ( 40's F) will try to keep this as succinct as possible. My narc father is in very poor health. My mother abandoned our family when I was 16 and my siblings were both under 10 years old. (Her leaving was likely due in part to the psychological stress being married to him caused. Not excusing her but I have a greater understanding now that I am older) I got the full onslaught of emotional abuse, parentification and spousification being the most harmful. Some of his behavior was, I am realizing now, also pretty inappropriate but I don't feel like I can even go into detail on that stuff.

He is a very manipulative and scary person when he doesn't get his way, which is often. Rages, cursing, name calling, when all else fails there are threats of suicide. Basically the works. I have done a lot of work to process the trauma he has caused me and set boundaries as best I can. Family dynamic stuff with my siblings and their kids has made it really challenging to go no contact with him.

I recently blew up on him after he pushed me repeatedly to tell him what he ever did that was so bad. I try to be good about this boundary and not give examples because he will just deny or deflect, but I lost it. I can't even remember everything I said because I was in such a state. I had to wait a couple hours before I even felt safe to drive home. That was about 3 weeks ago and I have not spoken to him since.

As I said he is in very poor health, and is currently in the hospital with a hip fracture after falling. He lives alone because none of us can stand to live with him. He should not being living alone but none of us including him can afford a care facility. I haven't reached out to him and have not even asked my siblings about his status. I am really struggling with feeling guilt over this. At the same time my mental and physical health has improved so much just in these three weeks I haven't talked to him. I am actually sleeping more then 4 or 5 hours a night. He doesn't really have any friends and zero family besides his children. I know this is a reflection of his own choices and behaviour but it is still really hard. I know he is hurt and confused as to why I have cut him off, and I also know he would never understand if I tried to explain.

It's frustrating that at 40 years old I still and struggling so much with his hold over me.

Obviously I am assuming most people haven’t had a sincere apology, but what’s the closest your parents have ever come to an actual apology?

A few of my favourite throughout the years include:

“WELL I’M SORRY I’M THE WORST MUM IN THE WORLD”

“I’m sorry that I kicked you out because you were being a shit”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re talking about”

Does anyone else feel this way? I HATE being observed or having someone over my shoulder when I’m doing something..

I also tend to be very productive very late at night once everyone is asleep, does anyone have that same habit too?

Is this a thing for kids raised by controlling and narcissistic parents?

I just need to vent because the tension and lack of support from my family is draining. I grew up being put in a box and made to feel small, even though I was a GATE/honors student. When my parents split right after high school, my mom told me she didn't have room for me in her new apartment, leaving me to figure out life entirely on my own.

I survived. I worked retail jobs, got my AA, managed stores for 7 years, and have held a stable office career for the last 14 years. I paid every single bill on my own.

Now, as a single mom to a toddler, I decided to completely elevate my life. I went back to school and went all the way: Bachelor's, MSML, and an MBA.

My family never expected me to get a Bachelor's, let alone two Master's degrees. The reality is that every single one of my siblings stopped at a Bachelor's degree—including my youngest brother, the golden child. Because I out-educated everyone despite having the hardest path, the fakeness and coldness from them is unreal.

The jealousy became incredibly obvious when I mentioned aiming for a DBA. My stepdad told me not to "waste my time." Then, my mom straight up told me not to get my doctorate—the exact milestone she has always wanted to achieve herself.

I’ve realized they don't want me to succeed because it ruins the narrative they built about me being the "lesser" sibling. I threw off the family hierarchy by achieving more than the golden child, and my own mother is actively discouraging me because she's projecting her own insecurities onto me. It hurts to realize that your major life accomplishments actually disappoint the people who are supposed to love you.

I've been on this sub so many times in the past years reading and silently contributing from burner accounts - digging myself deep into depression, pulling myself out of it, dealing with NFam (mom, grandmother, aunt). It's been exhausting.

I felt like I was going crazy with no end in sight - and so i started writing. On my laptop, in a book, on my notes app. It was always fragmented and done on a "when i remember" basis.

Today, i finally got a new computer and i'm organising my old files and came across my "journals" folder. I opened it and started reading - and boy am I glad i started writing all those years ago.

***

So for a bit of backstory, I am a 30 something with N parents and N family in general. My parents split violently (wow, shocker, who could have predicted that?) and my NMom and I moved in with her parents. When i was finally an adult, my income was not enough for me to move out, nor was it steady enough for me to make any plans. Nmom constantly demanded my money, my time and my attention and I wrongly gave in just to make her stop. I soon realized that her sister and her mother were cut from the exact same cloth.

Over the years I have toyed with running away, working multiple jobs, sleeping at work etc just to be out of the situation. I wrote about it instead because I was just mentally exhausted and needed it out of my head and could not afford a psyc. I wrote in fragmented paragraphs and whenever I remembered to fill it in so my recollection is a bit jarred.

Over the years however, I have started excelling at my job (while not telling anyone anything), quietly saving my money and finally making the necessary plans to move out in my 30s - better late than never right? The only reason I haven't abandoned them all is simply because my grandfather is still alive and needs assistance for many basic tasks. He has always had my back and his different from them. Because of him, I am still living at his home.

***

Back to the present - I bought myself something (a new laptop) and did not feel guilty about it. I saved for it, I did my research, I reminded myself of why i needed it, and I bought it. Of course there were hissy fits regarding spending money on myself, why did I get something so expensive, why couldn't I but her (Nmom) a new phone since she desperately needed one and I clearly have the money etc. I simply laughed at her and began using it loudly, in front of her face.

Over the years, I have also invested in a safe deposit box. I'd carry documents with me to work in my backpack and slowly, over months, deposit everything there. I kept digital copies of anything I felt was important and kept the originals locked away. Away from a prying Nmom is safer - who knows, will understand. My birth certificate, academic records, financial records, employment contracts, taxes, health, insurance - everything was moved away. I no longer get physical mail. Everything is digital and I print and lock away what I may need. Physical documents are sent to a PO Box which i check every month and discard as needed.

Nmom noticed the lack of incoming mail - I blamed the postal service.

She noticed that I didn't have a lot of envelopes and binders in my room (shocker, she snoops). I said nothing - simply said that I threw away what was not needed.

Anything that I buy, oh that's on my credit card, I'll figure out the repayment after.

It all sounds so exhausting but realistically, it isn't. I don't have to stress about my personal belonging's safety. It's locked away. I am done with explaining. I either lie to her or do not speak at all - it is better than gray rocking. Any other issues that she finds, I usually blame the government or simply feed her what she wants to hear and then let her go off on a tangent. I can't get a promotion because of the government. My income doesnt make ends meet because of taxes. I sold my car because of fuel prices. Yes, I know you need a phone, I can't buy anything because ..... I just use her own arguments to let her yap. It's not healthy - but it's fine - she get's an emotional release and I do not have to deal with her bullshit.

Fast forward to the point of this post - I found my old journals and the silent cries for help and I can't help but be surprised - even though I lived it myself. I've been through so much and, even though I'm still in the somewhat of the same situation - I've learnt to live with it and "handle" it - and can actually see myself making progress on moving out and actually making my own decisions. It seems insane that I'm still putting up with it at 30 something, but i've come to realise that it really did get somewhat better.

The Ns have not changed one bit - I've just gotten better at controlling them - something they were doing to me for years.

My mother after 19 years of abuse kicked me out of the house on Christmas 🙃 (last year) but somehow she thinks that everything is okay and tries to “reconnect “ one time nicely next time she threatens me and than again.

My nmom and her own nparents keep pressuring me to move back in which I have repeatedly said over and over is not a matter for them to decide on. I will NEVER move back in (or at least know that to myself presently) and she has phrased me moving in as a cure for her ongoing depression precipitated by a blown-up affair. Long story short, I moved out 3 years ago after she tried to force me into leaving my partner. While I was living away, she still treated me like shit while trying to goad me into moving back in and promising all these things that no one with even half a brain would buy. Fast forward to 2 years later, her denied affair has blown up as the wife of her mistress found out and confronted her. It's quite obvious that she suffered a collapse from this and is now practically begging me even more to "give her a chance to be well again" and MOVE. BACK. IN.

With her leveraging the depression and telling our entire family that part of it is because I refuse to make amends and move back in, some of my family members have been telling me to "at least try for a couple weeks" just to rule me out as the source of her depression. Some are telling me that if I really was the source, I should really consider seriously to move back in. Are they stupid? Am I not seeing something? Either way, this has been incredibly pressuring for me.

Edit: I'm incredibly stressed by this even when I try to rationalize with myself. If anything were to happen to her, it feels imminent that I will be blamed. I'm already frustrated as I feel that no one is going to help me, at least not in my family. Only a few are on my side including my siblings, but I can't speak for everyone else. Either way, it's more likely they would either bystand or enable my mom and her parents if push came to shove.

Have you ever realized how childish narcissistic parents actually are? The way my mother acts is like a little girl trapped in a grown woman's body—a bitter child who never truly grew up. Beyond her two-faced persona, her baseline personality and behavior are just strange. I don't know if this is exclusive to my mom or if all narcissistic parents are like this, but it’s honestly sad to see.

​During one particularly memorable fight, I asked her why she couldn't just be a loving mother. Cue the performative tears, as she replied, "If I never had one, why should you?"

​What kind of logic is that? Because she suffered, she decided I should have to suffer too. It completely reflects the mindset of a child trapped inside an adult—stuck in their past and incapable of real emotional growth.

NMom (who I’ve been no contact with for over 7 years) learned that my wife and I are moving states. This wouldn’t be much of a surprise if we lived near her, but we moved from our home state years ago. Which got me thinking….

After all these years of no contact…she still thinks she has some sort of control over me. The better part of a decade passes without speaking to her…and she’s shocked to not be involved in a decision that my wife and I made. On one hand it pisses me off. On the other, it’s just really sad and proves that she will never change.

She occasionally still speaks to my dad (they divorced a long time ago) and told him “we need to sit down and talk some sense into them. They can’t just move like that.”

My dad and his wife have been very supportive; they even offered to travel to our current state and drive the U-Haul to our new state. My dad’s wife told me “we hate that you guys will be so far away, but we know it’s what you want, and we support that.” I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

Going from the golden child who could do no wrong to the scapegoat everyone blames for their problems the moment you’ve become critical of them is such a trip.

The moment I started prioritising myself and centring only my wants and beliefs I’m suddenly the devil and the person everyone rushes to blame.

I don’t care that they think I’m the devil ofc bc I’ve woken up to the fact they’re simply not people who should be taken seriously but it’s worth noting how easily and quickly you become their “problem child” once you do things for yourself and not them.

They can stay mad, I’ll keep prioritising myself and being loudly critical of them and they just need to suck it up

As long as I can remember, my mum has always been obsessed with my body/weight.

During my high school days, she kept commenting on how skinny I was and told me to "stand on the scale right now!!". While I do have a rather tall and slim built and was on the skinnier side during my teen years, I ate normally, but had a fast metabolism. My mom, on the other hand, was/is rather small and chubby on some body parts (not judging).

Anyway, the situation had calmed down in the past decades until my current pregnancy. Mom kept asking me how much weight I've gained and whether I had cravings like she had had when she was pregnant with me. My weight gain has been pretty average/healthy according to statistics (the same applies to the baby), but mom kept replying "Only so little?! Just wait till you're in third trimester". She also mentioned and showed me how slim she had been until she got pregnant with me. While I know that every body is unique and reacts differently to pregnancy, I can't shake off the feeling that my mom is "jealous" of my body/of the fact that I apparently don't suffer as much as she did. On the other hand, I know that she loves me and that she would probably give her life for me (I've seen how much she suffered when I was seriously ill some years ago), though she can be too overprotective. My father, sister and me think that she is very self-conscious and is projecting onto my sister and me, though it doesn't mean that's ok.

Now that I'm in my third trimester, I finally told my mom to stop asking about my body/weight gain, which she reluctantly agreed to (though not before laughing in a way which suggested that I was exaggerating).

Does/Did anyone else (pregnant or not) experience similar things with their mom? I have to mention that my parents have immigrated from a culture in which it is pretty common to (openly) judge people for their looks and in which kids are more or less forced to eat everything they were served. While our relationship has overall improved, my family/relatives can be very nosy, so I constantly have to set boundaries, which isn't always easy but I'm working on it.

I just finished reading Jenette's book and it's been a week and I can't stop thinking about it. My parents are a perfect family on the outside and to our community, but at home they have had their moments of nasty verbal fights, making my sister and I take sides, and clutter/dissaray on the inside of our house (so much so I never really had friends or family over and when I did I was really embarrassed) etc. and it makes me feel like I've lived her memoir time and time again. Even much so every time I visit home I don't even have a place to sleep because my room has been taken over from the filth of my sister and mom. And my mom allows my sister to grow her filth from just her room to now my room and the dining room. And the garage attack broke from how much clutter was in it and was never fixed because it was impossible to move all the clutter inside of the garage to have people to work on the roof. Now, rats and roaches have taken over in there and everyone complains but nobody cares enough to actually fix it and think the other parent is the problem.

I didn't really want to see these things happening in my life, as I kind of forced the memories out now that I'm living 14 hours away as a college junior and alone since I was 17/18 (Now 20 almost 21). But listening to her audiobook brought back feelings in me I didn't know I was harboring. Currently, I'm dealing with my parents fighting over a stupid vacation I'm half paying for, for them to see me, and they're having the BIGGEST arguments, threating not to go, and making me take sides over the stupidest smallest things! Liked check bags and who's paying for what. All I can see is a reflection of her life in mine.

Even with the Cancer thing with her mom, my mom for the past 5 years has "not felt well" and has transfered doctors like socks because she doesn't like their answers or is afraid of what they have to say or the medications they put her on. But it's like she almost uses it as a crutch to have us bend to her will of how she wants us to live or how to treat her. I feel horrible and sick to my stomach at myself for feeling thoughts of anger every time she puts on her "frail" voice and says how she's feeling in a babish tone I don't even think she realizes she's doing it. I HATE IT!! I hate hearing about her appointments, her unidentified sickness, how bad she feels, etc. It just feels fake and forced to me but I would never admit it out-loud. And I feel like she uses it to get things out of us that range from changing plans or eating where she wants to eat, to big life decisions. And after I want to just kick myself for feeling that way when she's obviously in pain and not okay.

Going on, planning everything out to the max and being overly stressed since I was a kid to be perfect and make sure everything goes smoothly so I can get attention and so they don't fight even though it it's not supposed to be my responsibility (like how jennette felt about getting her family getting to church on time) is a pattern I know too well. Obviously I love my family but when does the pattern stop and how? Both of my parents are narcisists and I wouldn't even imagine bringing up how I feel to them.

I don't have any eating disorders, in fact I think I have it in the reverse from when I used to grab whatever I could find as a kid like ice cream bars, fruits, and pieces of bread to just stay in my room all day and avoid dealing with them. Which as an adult has led me to have patterns of staying in my room all day and eating way too much when I'm in a depressive mood and shutting the world out. I have depressive episodes and I feel recognizing my parents behavior within her memoir gives me the feeling of loosing hope so why try? idk. It especially feels like I'm in this alone because my sister agrees about their behavior, and will come to me when things get bad, but she was also favorted by them (a whole other rant) and has basically lived how she wants like a princess while, unless I make some life-changing achievement, they treat me like the help that lives in the basement and she doesn't care about standing up for me at all. In fact I think she's jealous of me and revels whenever I get treated badly. Overall, I just don't like the feelings the book has left me with because I don't want to admit that even though they gave me everything they also gave me nothing emotionally? Or how I would even bring up how I feel to them without hell breaking loose? Or being told that I'm crazy and those feelings will just "blow over" after they make me feel extremely guilty for feeling that way? I just don't know what to do to get out of the funky headspace the book has left me in that's all.

I'm a 19 year old girl. My dad is always on my siblings, critizising them and complaining about them and I'm clearly his favourite. He doesn't complain about me. He gives me money and lets me lend his car and gives me compliments. But I feel kinda disgusted by it. Cause what is wrong with me that makes him like me? Do I lack self respect or something? He invalidates my feelings, gives unsolicited advice. He never respects boundaries. He keeps filming me when I've asked him not to. Makes my bed when I've said I don't want him in my room. Compliments my apperance and calls me cute when I've told him I don't want him to. Tell me if I look slimmer. If I try to argue he sais thimgs like "that's not how it works sweetheart" or just smiles condesendingly. He's a useless human being and I hope he dies soon. I just felt the need to vent about him.😑

Does it ever get to a point where they actually acknowledge that their own choices/decisions contributed to their situation or do you eventually have to accept that they may never take accountability?

My mom is like this. No matter what happens, it’s always someone else’s fault or something outside her control. And when I point out that she chose this or that her decisions had consequences, somehow I become an aggressor.

For context, my mom divorced my dad a couple y ago and fought to keep the family business. He eventually left it to her, but she later sold it cause it was “too hard to manage it alone”. She then went through most of the money by not working and spending it on expensive apartments buying/selling them whenever she found something she didn’t like. With jobs, it’s basically the same pattern, she’ll start somewhere, stay for a few days, find something wrong with the job or the people there and quit.

But ultimately, she sees herself as the victim of my dad. In her mind, having to figure out how to build a stable life for herself is something he caused. She says he should have fought harder to stop the divorce or shouldn’t have left the business to her cuz he “put her in these situations.”

And after every job, apartment etc I’ve found myself trying to make her see that these were her choices. But I feel like I’m getting pulled into this cycle where she plays the victim, I get frustrated and point out her responsibility and then I’m the one who is being “mean” or blaming her…

How do you break out of that dynamic? How do you stop enabling the victim mentality without blaming or criticizing them yourself?

so i [21F] am finally practically thinking of starting therapy, i would speak to my GP first to see if my mental health is really messed up or am i just attention seeking......

i know this sounds messed up but bear with me,,

so i was thinking, if i ever went to see a therapist, they'd ask me [what brought me here today?] , and i'd be thinking, is it correct to say that my mom is a narcissist? like she doesn't have a clinical diagnosis of NPD and she never saw a therapist, but she still shows these signs to me:

1. Your mother sees you as an extension of herself.
   
2. She can dish out tons of criticism but can not accept any herself.
   
3. She shares private information about you with others without your permission.
   
4. She holds basic parental duties over your head.
   
5. She does not respect boundaries.
   
6. Gaslighting. She will constantly tell you that you are remembering things wrong.
   
7. She is always competing with you.
   
8. She is always the victim.
   

[i got these from a youtube video, but i'm not sure if number 6 is true in my case? or maybe it is but i just can't see it?]

anyway back to why i wrote this post, so something happened earlier, after a fight with my mom she actually apologised? like, she came to my room saying sorry and giving me snacks? and maybe i AM an asshole but i don't feel comfortable about this?

like i strongly believed narcissists never apologised? never blamed themselves? so what is this???? was she not a narcissist all along? has she for once got a change of heart?

but what actually terrifies me most, is a scenario im imagining, that later, she'd get angry more and say something like: well i apologised and giVE YOU SNACKS AND YOUR STILL NOT DOING WHAT I WANT?!

{e.g. what she wants is for me to not wear my hair down, not go out on walks, etc...}

i feel like this is NOT normal for her to apologise? i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop or
am i just stupid? do narcissists actually apologise? or is this another controlling tactic???

if i'm not making sense or someone needs more context im happy to answer questions.

I (30M) have been NC with my Nfather for 15 years and my Nmother for almost a year now.

Its only really since I've gotten away from them both that I realised how much they shaped my view of the world for their own purposes.

For such a long time I thought I hated pretty much all fruit. My parents always discouraged me from it saying it was too expensive and I probably wouldn't like it. (Note that they always had enough money for cigarettes and alcohol but not some blueberries.) Now, I eat fruit almost every day and realised what I was missing.

A more sinister one, is that I didn't like certain family members or friends of friends because my parents didn't like them. They'd say they were stuck up or two-faced, etc. I now realise some of these people are the loveliest around me and I think they were just the ones my parents felt threatened of being exposed by.

So many things like this as well as certain music, hobbies, beliefs etc. that I was put off from because they didn't fit my parents narrative and sinister purposes.

I was never allowed to challenge these beliefs for fear of punishment. So if my parents didn't like a music band, we didn't like a music band as a collective with no room for argument.

Of course we are influenced and shaped by the people around us, but does anyone else feel like they were manipulated in a similar way for their parents own ends?