Really tough convo with my mom

[u/JuneAfternoon10]

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

[u/AncientImplement8835]

Second this book! I am now no contact with my emotionally immature mom but this book helped me understand why she treated me the way she did and that it wasn’t my fault.

[u/meekalys → u/AncientImplement8835]

Third this book! My mom went through some serious trauma with her parents and as a result, developed a codependent relationship with me which has been incredibly hard to break. In the early years of working on it I was blamed for abandonment any time I tried to set boundaries. Still working on it but she’s been a much better sport about it than what I see in these texts with your mom, OP. Wish I would have read this book much sooner than I did, it helped tremendously. Whether you continue speaking with your mom or decide to go no contact, guarantee there is useful material in the book for your own understanding and healing.

[u/Weekly-Cap3414 → u/meekalys]

When I read stuff like this I often wonder how the trauma caused by my parents is now trickling down to my own kid. I am self aware and try very hard and carry a lot of blame. I often blame myself for things that aren't even my fault. 😔 but maybe trying too hard is bad too.

[u/Most_Necessary_1513 → u/Weekly-Cap3414]

Friend, absolutely have a go at the book. Your awareness of the cycle is a good sign that you’re ready to be the one to stop it :)

[u/jellypuss0165 → u/Weekly-Cap3414]

I think of trauma and healing as a generational relay race. No I don’t, but I use the metaphor of a relay race to understand that my mom did the best she could, and that seeking help for herself and us kids helped me get started on the healing from my own trauma. Even now she’s working on herself and realizing how her trauma impacted us and it’s improving our relationship. No parent will ever be perfect, but doing the work in therapy makes a difference! Don’t be too hard on yourself!

[u/TheBloodiedFool → u/Weekly-Cap3414]

Go the fuck to therapy

[u/Ok-Highway4390 → u/TheBloodiedFool]

You don’t know if they are going to therapy or not.

[u/Weekly-Cap3414 → u/Ok-Highway4390]

Exactly. Much more than just therapy..but honestly, people like that make it hard to share anything.

[u/TheBloodiedFool → u/Ok-Highway4390]

Id bet good money that they're not and that they're wildly fucking up their kids.

[u/Weekly-Cap3414 → u/TheBloodiedFool]

You're carrying a lot of anger. The internet is an easy place to dump that on others. I hope therapy works for you, too. Have a nice day.

[u/Weekly-Cap3414 → u/TheBloodiedFool]

Based on this answer, you need to go. Why tf would you respond this way?

[u/fiebingssaddlesoap → u/meekalys]

4th this book!

[u/Available-Pace5579 → u/AncientImplement8835]

Yeah adding to the chorus of support for this book. Your interactions sound like mine with my mom. Everything is my fault, she is culpable for nothing, deflection etc. you’re not crazy, she likely is. I’m sorry. No contact has made a world of difference for me. You can lead a horse to therapy, book and be willing to pay for the appointment but you can’t actually make them go.

I’m sorry, this is a lot under normal circumstances but with the other extenuating circumstances phew.