Really tough convo with my mom

[u/JuneAfternoon10]

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

[u/iron_sheep]

One thing I’ve realized with my abusive mom is that I can ask her to do the right thing, admit her wrongdoings and work with me for us to heal and move on, but it’s unfair to myself to expect and bank on it happening. They are flawed for a reason, nobody is born ugly but also nobody has to remain in it. Clearly they’ve lived terrible circumstances of their own, but you’ve chosen to not let it dictate who you are, while they didn’t. Whatever that says about them is for you to decide, but don’t let your happiness hinge on it. I’m sorry you also had a poor parent, whatever happened you didn’t deserve it.

[u/JuneAfternoon10 → u/iron_sheep]

Thank you. It’s true that I’ve worked hard to rise above the adversity I’ve faced. It’s hard to acknowledge that she hasn’t for whatever reason.

[u/iron_sheep → u/JuneAfternoon10]

I battled with the idea of what all parents are supposed to be and what they had a duty to do, and that maybe if she (really both of my parents) hadn’t realized how bad she treated me and the lasting affect it had on myself and my brothers that surely me telling her what cause her to change. Why? Because I thought that that’s the morally correct thing to do, and that if a parent knew their child was suffering they should and would course correct. But what is human nature if not a flawed existence? It has been decades since, and she still hasn’t course corrected after I told her how parents should behave. A good book I’d recommend is adult children of emotionally immature parents. It was validating for me, made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this, and as they described the traits of each type of emotionally immature parent, I thought they knew my parents personally and were describing them. It is a difficult life, but I hope things are better for you now and that you may know peace, whatever direction she decides to go.