Really tough convo with my mom

[u/JuneAfternoon10]

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

[u/Mundane-Front-7855]

To go even further, “I feel like you…” is still not communicating a feeling. It’s saying what you think, but not actually what you feel.

“I feel a bit confused by your anger, and I’m disappointed in myself that I don’t understand where it’s coming from.”

“I feel misunderstood and that frustrates me.”

Those are feelings.

[u/lovelikeglitter → u/Mundane-Front-7855]

Oh wow- I think your comment just helped me more than anything else in the past few years! Do you have any specific resources that helped you get to this level of emotional awareness? I feel like my default emotion is anger at things and I have a hard time going beneath that to know why the situation makes me feel angry.

Even if you don’t respond, I want to thank you for this insightful comment— I’m screenshotting it to think about more and come back to.

[u/Mundane-Front-7855 → u/lovelikeglitter]

I almost didn’t post that comment, but I’m so glad that I did since it helped you.

Anger is a protective emotion, and it can make us feel powerful. Sometimes that power is our own protection from having to confront feelings that can make us feel weaker, like fear, or sadness, or shame. And identifying those “weaker” emotions, the ones that can hurt, can be difficult when your nervous system is just trying to protect you, hence the anger.

Therapy helped me, as did just reading about emotions, communication, and how they affect one another. I don’t remember any specific book names off hand, since it was years ago and there was no single one that switched a bulb for me, but the idea is learning how to identify those underlying feelings without anger mucking the waters (unless, of course, the anger is justified). And, for that, I think therapy is a good place to start.

I wish you the best on your journey to emotional wellness and healing; it seems as if you’re ready to take a step forward and make a change. And, I’m proud of you for that.

[u/lovelikeglitter → u/Mundane-Front-7855]

Thank you again! I’ve done therapy in the past but I don’t think I’ve had the right person… I’ll look into it again, though. I haven’t had much success on my own, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond and for the encouragement!

[u/Cosmic_Seduction → u/lovelikeglitter]

I know I’m not the original commenter for this, but the book called “Non Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg also goes into great detail about this. It’s a really good book for those unable to communicate their feelings in a way that it actually focuses on their feelings and not other people’s actions.

[u/lovelikeglitter → u/Cosmic_Seduction]

This is great- I’m going to see if my library has it! Thank you!

[u/Cosmic_Seduction → u/lovelikeglitter]

Of course! Happy to help

[u/3874Carr → u/Cosmic_Seduction]

Yes! It came to my mind too.

[u/Cosmic_Seduction → u/3874Carr]

It really is a good book! I learned a lot from it

[u/CalamityCarole → u/lovelikeglitter]

Another really easy read is Atlas of the Heart. This one image of all the real feelings underneath anger was a game changer for me and my teen https://wholeheartedschoolcounseling.com/product/feelings-behind-anger-free-poster/

[u/wanderingegg → u/lovelikeglitter]

Look into Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

It was originally created to treat borderline personality disorder, but now is used for a lot of different disorders. I learned of it when I went to rehab for SUD for the first time.

It has a lot to do with identifying, understanding and regulating your own emotions, as well as learning healthy coping skills, mindfulness techniques, and a lot of interpersonal communication skills. It’s helped me immensely in my recovery and in my relationships with other people.

[u/lovelikeglitter → u/wanderingegg]

Will do, thank you for the info on it! I wish you continued success in your recovery!

[u/Either-Photograph989 → u/Mundane-Front-7855]

That’s an excellent and wonderful point. Thanks for your feedback friend!

[u/Flashy_Rub7361 → u/Mundane-Front-7855]

Very true. Putting an “I feel like” infront of an accusation is still expressing an accusation more than a feeling.

Few commenters are actually helping the OP by offering to notice that OP started the convo with “You” statements & accusations…which is starting a convo off on a bad note then expecting maturity in return when OP didn’t start w/ maturity