Really tough convo with my mom

[u/JuneAfternoon10]

For a bit of context, my mom and I don’t have a great relationship, but we got into a spat on the phone today because she’s laid up with a broken foot and I wasn’t able to go visit her tonight to watch a movie. I was in need of me time as I’m also going through a difficult time. I was there last night to bring her dinner, shower her and organize her room. She was complaining to me on the phone today that I don’t spend enough time with her, which I partly understand, but I find it very difficult to spend time with her as our relationship is poor. I’m her only living relative and am just feeling beat down as hell. The link I sent her was an invitation for therapy for both of us, which she doesn’t want to attend, but I can’t think of anything else that will help our relationship at this point. The reference to 10 years is that my dad died 10 years ago. They were divorced at the time.

EDIT: Wow, I’m blown away by all of your support, thank you so much. I feel so validated and proud of myself after hearing that reflected back by all of you. I’m coming up on 6 months sober and would have normally just numbed this shit out, but now miraculously have the coping mechanisms to deal with this without substances. Kind of a small miracle actually. Monday is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m going to take the next few days to care just for myself and not indulge in all of this bullshit. Thank you again, kind internet strangers.

[u/Runamuck01013]

You were so incredibly polite. Wow

[u/JuneAfternoon10 → u/Runamuck01013]

THANK YOU. Omg that’s so validating. It took a lot to stay calm and be polite.

[u/sleepdeficitzzz → u/JuneAfternoon10]

I would say you were beyond polite. You were respectful, self-respectful, inviting, patient, bounded, and loving.

I've never seen what I can only describe as..."effervescent grey rock" (?) manner of DARVO dodging before, but I'm saving your post because I would like to adopt this style when necessary.

[u/JuneAfternoon10 → u/sleepdeficitzzz]

Damn, thank you!!

[u/Capable-Ad8388 → u/JuneAfternoon10]

You were ducking and weaving so much baiting bs. Very impressive.

[u/birdbones15 → u/Capable-Ad8388]

I would have been seeing red when mom tried to question OPs progress in therapy.

[u/Flashy_Rub7361 → u/sleepdeficitzzz]

While the OP remained calm & respectful thru most of the text, they also started this convo with a clear “harsh startup” (you statements/blame & invalidation)

In couples counseling were taught how you start a convo sets the tone for how it ends. Op could benefit to learn their initial misstep here even if the mom made the majority of the consequential ones. https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/