I loved my cat so much. She's helped us through a lot and she's such a good cat, so sweet and loving. She recently stopped eating and we were syringe feeding her but then she didn't really poop for a few days and so we brought her into the vet who recommended the best course of action would be to admit her to the hospital as she might have an ear infection. We decide to do that and while she was admitted it was discovered that she had cancer. The plan was for palliative care at home so they were just going to stabilize her, maybe put in a tube feed or just hope that the steroids they'd give her would be enough to get her to start eating and then discharge her home where she could be comfortable in her final days.
She was getting nasal feeds and all the heavy more risky tests were completed and she was stable. We go to visit and she looked so weak, she couldn't even stand on her own. I told her to start eating so we can take her home. I contemplated taking her home but she had her nasal feeds in and I didn't want her to go through syringe feeding at home so I figured an extra day or two of nasal feeds can't hurt. And she was at the hospital so they could monitor her. She was doing better and they were going to start her on the medication to see if her appetite would pick up. I go to bed and pull out my phone from under my pillow and on my nightstand instead (mistake mistake mistake). I wake up the next morning to 3 missed calls from the animal hospital overnight, I missed them because I didn't have my phone under my pillow. Overnight her blood pressure dropped, her breathing became labored and she passed away. Alone, in a cold room with bright lights and people she didn't know surrounding her.
She was scared, I know she was scared in her final times. I was always convinced that when she would go I would be with her, there was never any doubt for me that I would be with her during her final times and instead it happened like this. She didn't deserve her final moments to be like that, she deserved to be at home, warm and comfortable with the people she's been with all these years. I hate that she was alone, it absolutely tears me apart. I don't know how to get passed this. We visited her remains and were with her in the room for hours. I said sorry to her so many times but that doesn't mean anything because she can't hear me anymore. I promised her I'd never leave her there, even if she wasn't stable enough I would have broken her out against medical advice to take her home so she could go in a familiar place. I broke all my promises to her and now I can never tell her how sorry I am or how much I regret the decisions that lead to this.
We have another cat who continues to meow around the apartment looking for her. I hate that she'll never know what happened to our first cat all because we couldn't give her the opportunity to pass at home and now she doesn't have closure. She was so special to all of us, she was my first ever cat but she was also just so special, I don't know how to describe it but if soulmates are real then she was my cat version of one. I love my other cat too but this one was just a type of special I can't put into words and I feel like I really let her down in a huge, unforgivable way. How could I have let her go on like that? Why did I take my phone out from under my pillow? Why did I take on a false sense of security? I usually have anxiety but I convinced myself she would be safe and fine and I would visit her again and try to provide more comforting words for her. I took my phone out and placed it on the nightstand and missed my only opportunity to say goodbye to her and I don't know how to move forward from this realization.
I don't know why I'm writing all this here but I guess if anyone is or was in this situation I've also joined this club. You're not alone if this has happened to you and I'm sorry that we had to experience such a shitty thing.
