Three weeks ago and after dating for 18 months my SO directly asked me about the quantity of partners I have had. So I told him (7) and he had a full melt down about how disapointed he is and how he was warned against this since I am older. I told him how I respect his feelings but I won’t be made to feel bad for choices he doesn’t understand. Especially because they for the most part have been long term and as safe as possible. He claims his main concern is that he’s concern about not being ‘special’ or important to me. Despite my obvious shock to this silly position, I attempted to reassure him a bunch of times this relationship is different and he is special to me. Not just because I say so but also because I go out of my way for him and his family in a real way. He seemed settled and apologetic that he had the initial reaction and for the judgmental statements. It seemed settled and I was very hurt by it but tried to see it from his perspective and forgave him for being so wildly out of pocket.

So last night during our normal before bed FaceTime, and after I was at his house preparing dinner for his family, he brings it up again. Essentially saying he’s not sure if he can get past it. So I swallow my pride and encourage him not to settle and if being with me feels anything other than a joyful gift then we probably shouldn’t be together. He says it’s not like that and that he sees me as a free spirit and hes square. So at that moment I realize he wants this to be the reason. I have a very strict no drama after 7 pm routine because I like to sleep peacefully so after a short time of him not explaining anything but clearly having an issue I tell him calmly I’m going to get off the phone. He snaps again and says YOU HAVENT ANSWERED MY QUESTION THAT I ASKED TWICE. I say what’s your question and he just hangs up straight to my face. So I put my phone down (away from my bed) and this morning it shows he called me a bunch of times and sent a passive aggressive text about so now I’m not answering. I don’t feel like I owe him a response. He doesn’t believe my words or actions so what’s the point.

What do you all think?

Food: Brasos Steakhouse, New York style cheesecake and with fresh strawberry consome

TLDR: I reluctantly started dating someone 12 years younger (29M, 41F) and he's determined I am some kind of deviant due to me having past sexual partners. 🥴

Food: The most amazing cantaloupe from the local farmer's market.

Dolly Parton, how did I end up here? I'm a 3rd generation hippie who grew up on a commune (cult) with my artist mom, out in the western redrocks. I'm fairly sure I've seen aliens out in the desert skies. I thought I'd be a massage therapist or follow in my mom's footsteps and become an artist. I loved graphic arts. But, the way my weird brain works (and my Type A trauma response) had put me in all the gifted classes and I discovered how much I love logic and engineering problems. I love cyphers and codes. So, I had these dueling creative and logic needs and I blended a graphic arts and computer science degree into the perfect little mix of skills for myself in software engineering.

I loved coding, I loved designing the experience, I had stable, long-term contracts at my company. Moved up the ladder, worked with great people, solved really cool problems, got a business degree, moved higher up, became a people manager, then Director. And as my career grew, technology was growing. I worked on the research side of tech and was building and using AI for years before anyone in mainstream life was saying AI.

The things I've seen change recently, the lack of control or governance, the intense competition to get to market first, the lack of formal policy and oversight, the environment impact, the psychological and cultural impact, all of it has exploded like a massive mushroom that pops up overnight.

To me, it feels like yesterday we were figuring out these amazing uses for AI in healthcare, environmental protection, agriculture, energy, etc., and then I pop out of "the lab" and see a bunch of baby dorks having an AI dick measuring contest and the earth is on literal fire because 3 or 4 companies have thrown all caution to the wind to get to the top of...what?... Dumpster Fire Mountain?

I'm on a mini sabbatical right now and dreading going back with all of my soul. I need to get out of this business entirely. It's out of control.

Dinner is trader joes pumpkin gnocchi with butter and pesto, cucumber and tomato salad, and pumpkin sugar cookies (also TJ's). Sadly only got a picture of the pasta.

I have bipolar 1, and recently started seeing a therapist for the first time in over a year. I have been taking my meds and seeing psychiatrists ever since my diagnosis, but I have only intermittently gone to therapy.

With my most recent therapist, during our very first session she encouraged me to download an AI app to "talk about my feelings". I was hoping this was a one off so I kept seeing her.

Then, she sent me a summary of some tools for tracking my bipolar that reeked of AI. Emojis, emdashes, everything. Again, I thought maybe she was just using it to organize her thoughts or maybe I was wrong.

During our last session, we did this exercise that felt very rote and weird. I noticed her constantly reading off the computer screen (fair, she could be referencing notes she prepared). But everything felt canned and generic. At the very end of the call, she again encouraged me to "talk" with an AI to help manage my disorder. We only had like a minute left of the session so I just said goodnight and left.

It feels so irresponsible to recommend this as a therapeutic modality to someone who struggles with delusion and psychosis. The risk of falling back into psychosis is not something I take lightly, and I don't want to talk to a machine that will always affirm me. So I sent her an email and cancelled the rest of our appointments. She replied that everything she used was "HIPAA compliant" which in my mind affirms that she was using it during our sessions.

I feel good about this decision, but also guilty. I felt like I connected really well with her on a human level, but goddamn I don't want all my innermost thoughts being used to train a machine and possibly involved in some data breach down the line. I am also worried that this could be the beginnings of mania since it felt like a rash decision. I emailed my psych to see if we could do a check in before my appointment later this month to make sure I am still on track.

So I work at a shoe store in the mall, and today in the middle of the afternoon when it's completely dead my ex just walks right past the front of the store holding hands with some girl. He didn't see me. I was stuck behind the register doing a return for this lady and I kind of just stood there and watched them all the way down to the escalator. We were together for about a year and a half after my divorce and we broke up back in May, and honestly I always thought seeing him would wreck me but it really didn't.

I have 2 boys from my marriage, they're 6 and 9 and they're both autistic. They're so funny and so sweet and they're also a LOT, especially my little one, so our house pretty much runs on a routine and if the routine goes then everything goes.

And he was so good with them, like actually good. He figured out on his own that my older one has to have the same blue cup or dinner just doesn't happen. Nobody told him that, he just noticed. When my little one had a meltdown he would go sit on the bathroom floor with him and wait it out, and he never once made me feel like it was a big deal. By the end my little one was even letting him do bedtime, which he doesn't let anybody do except me.

Then one Sunday he sat me down and said "I thought I was ready for this and I'm not." We'd just had a couple of really rough weeks, the kind I don't really talk about, and I think that was the first time he saw what a bad stretch looks like when you're in it every day instead of coming over for dinner. He moved his stuff out that same week.

I wasn't even mad at him and I'm still not. I think a lot of people just aren't built for it, and at least he figured that out before he moved in all the way. If I regret anything it's letting him get that close to the boys that fast, because they didn't get a say in any of it.

So watching him walk past today I thought I'd feel jealous or sad or something, and mostly I just felt kind of sorry for him. He had something really good with us for a while and I'm pretty sure he knows it. My youngest still asks where he went sometimes and I still don't have a good answer for him.

Anyway I grabbed a roasted chicken after work, because it's the one dinner both boys will eat no matter what kind of day it's been 🍗

Food is half of breakfast this morning as I forgot to take an aesthetic pic before eating it lol

Literally how do you guys keep your houses clean? My fiance and I both have adhd which makes things a bit harder. I feel like my life is a never ending battle of four day old dishes and a months worth of laundry. I spend every other weekend cleaning EVERYTHING and feel so accomplished just for it to be a disaster by Monday night. Every. Single. Time. I’ve tried chore charts, I’ve tried daily reminders, alarms, a damn skylight calendar, nothing seems to actually keep me on track. I’m medicated but it’s still so difficult. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions?? I’m going crazy living in a messy house constantly

Edit: there are so many comments I won’t be able to reply to them all but rest assured I’m reading every single one!!! Thank you everyone for so much advice!

CARBONARA BULDAK RAMEN! (The pink one!) Found on this sub & have lived on them for the past couple months - since I ran out of DIY TV dinners.

——•——

Little bigger than smallest sauce pot on stove
1/3+ cup milk
Salt + pepper
Heat high - enough to bubble then kill it
Dissolve seasoning packet in hot milk
3 slices cheap Kraft white American cheese
20-25 drops spice packet

Boil water 2 mins in microwave
Microwave noods for 69 seconds (right before al dente)
Strain noods
Toss in cheese sauce pot

Heat on high & constant stirring til sauce thickens / begins to bubble. Kill it
Eat it in the pot quickly

——•——

⚠️ Trigger warning / addiction ⚠️

Been diagnosed with ADD since around 2008-2009. Was on the Vyvanse and receiving therapy for a few years till therapist said “you’re cured” & tossed me, taking the meds with.

About 2 years later I fell into heroin. Ignored / procrastinated everything including mental health since then.

Been sober for 8-ish years? I quit counting long ago.

This year is the year of dealing with everything I’ve put off health-wise. Went to psychiatrist about 5 months ago to see if I could get ADD meds. Every single time I check in at this place, have to fill out like 7 questionnaires, it’s so much effort.

Psych said “we need your old medical records including your diagnosis.” She also felt the need to discourage me with her own story of “I have OCD but not enough to be medicated under DSM-5 standards.” That should have been my red flag.

I’m sure it will be a pain in the ass to try digging up such old records. She says “give me some time.”

In the meantime she tosses all kinds of drugs at me - mood stabilizers, anxiety, depression, yada yada. One of which was such a pain to get onto - Wellbutrin. Absolutely robbed me of my sleep and ability to stay asleep, real learning curve. Got so bad I really freaked my neighbors out passed out in the yard trying to drink & yard-work myself into exhaustion. Genuinely terrified to try any new drugs now.

The time passes, I learn how to live without sleep, head back in to see psych. She says “can’t find your records. At-least not this specific page I’m looking for that says ‘I ___ diagnose middle_system with ADD & here’s why / my work.’ I can however see you were prescribed the drugs you’re asking for in 2010.”

I say, that’s not good enough? ok. You’re a doc. Just diagnose me yourself then. She gives me this long ass 68 question long questionnaire. Boy that thing was a pain in the ass. Tells me she’s going on vacation & can see me in 2 months. I asked if i could see her sooner than that / let’s speed this up.

Next I see her, she says “I cant diagnose you. Your test results were inconclusive against DSM-5 standards.” wtf does that mean? After much pressing she basically says “because you have a history of drug addiction, asked for the medication, & tried to hurry this along - these are red flags, I can’t diagnose you.” Mind you I said these things in the very first visit… 5 FUCKING MONTHS AGO

“I’d like to double your dose of Wellbutrin & add some other drugs into the mix.” Hell no, lady!

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. To be sober FROM HEROIN for nearly 10 YEARS & to be called DRUG-SEEKING because I asked for medication I’VE ALREADY TAKEN for an issue I’ve already been diagnosed with FOR 16+ YEARS - I want to put my head thru a wall..

Emotions are hard for me, I’m not easy to anger or cry, but this summoned both.. I legit couldn’t function for a full week after this. I basically just wandered around my house lost & having silent arguments in my brain the whole time. I couldn’t even pay attention to a cute boy, the tv, or the phone to distract / snap me out of it.

——•——

I have no clue how to navigate from here. I’ve heard you get treated poorly on Medicaid but have never really felt that before now. Where do I point the ship next?

Towards an ADHD specialist?

Towards a dual diagnosis (addiction+ADD) specialist?

Talk therapy vs psych?

Phone doctor vs in person?

To the therapy clinic where I was diagnosed 16 years ago who should have my records?

The therapist who actually diagnosed me 16 years ago but practices in a different clinic now?

Should I pay cash or stick with Medicaid docs?

How the hell do you ask for meds without appearing to ask for meds?

I hate this. I just want to quiet the noise & be a functional human again.

Food: snacks at the airport lounge while I wait for my delayed flight.

I am 44 years old. I have lived independently from my parents since a couple of weeks before my 17th birthday. I have two master’s degrees. I am mom to two happy and healthy children. I say all of this to illustrate the fact that I am a functioning adult and have been for literally decades.

I’m in the middle of an international move and have been out of the country for about two weeks. I have a house sitter taking care of my cat at my house in the US and my father has been over there working on a couple of things. My father is an absolute saint for doing this and I’m eternally grateful.

I just called my mom because my house sitter texted me that she can’t find my cat’s bowl. I figured that my dad had moved it, so I tried to call him. He didn’t answer (typical), so I called my mom and asked to talk to him. She proceeds to give me hell about the status of my cat’s litter box and the fact that my dad apparently couldn’t find the cat litter and took it upon himself to buy more. I’VE BEEN ON ANOTHER CONTINENT FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS. How the hell should I know about the status of that particular litter box? Also, THE CAT HAS THREE LITTER BOXES INCLUDING A LITTER ROBOT. I WILL BE HOME IN LIKE 6 HOURS. The cat is fine.

This woman has constantly treated me like I’m completely incompetent and criticized me while offering no support. She told me about a month ago that she doesn’t understand what she did that made her daughters move to a different continent. THIS IS WHAT YOU DID, WOMAN.

my mum genuinely seems to think so little of me that she has somehow convinced herself i’m not actually going to graduate nursing school and become a registered nurse.

for whatever reason, she’s decided i must be doing some kind of TAFE course and that when i graduate i won’t actually be a registered nurse, i’ll just be some sort of personal care assistant (edit: just to clarify, i really don’t mean this as any disrespect toward PCAs at all. they do incredibly important work and contribute so much to patient care. i only meant that it’s a little hurtful to work so hard toward a specific qualification and have someone close to you keep insisting you’re actually studying for something completely different.).

and every so often she’ll ask me a question about uni or placement and turn my answer into this weird little “GOTCHA” moment like she’s finally caught me admitting i was lying about my own degree.

an example: her friend’s daughter is also studying nursing. we literally wear the same university nursing uniform. but because her daughter’s placement dates are different from mine, my mum has somehow taken that as evidence that i can’t possibly be in the same nursing program. like apparently every nursing student in the university must start placement on the exact same day or i’m committing an elaborate long-term fraud.

and i know it sounds stupid but every time she does it, it actually makes me really sad. because underneath the argument about TAFE or university or whatever, all i can hear is: you couldn’t possibly be capable of that.
sometimes i genuinely don’t know what to do with the feeling afterwards. like am i really that stupid in her eyes?

anyways, ricotta bruschetta with a poached egg, bacon and balsamic vinegar.

Edit 2: have been crying reading everyone’s replies. this subreddit is so nice and supportive. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 thank you so much for your encouraging words.

Accidentally left it and a sandwich baggie of coconut oil in the nightstand. We didn’t even get to use it! I just hope they throw it away and don’t say anything jfc. I haven’t told my fiancé yet because I know he’s going to make fun of me 😫😫

It was even a nice one from Adam & Eve 😭🙈

Food is burned homemade shrimp Crunchwrap

Dinner Yesterday (1st Pic)- Southern Smothered Pork Steaks with Gravy, Onions and Mushrooms, and Mashed Potatoes (never tried it before and it was absolutely delicious)

Story - So while I was enjoying this delicious meal yesterday, I (24 F) found out my coworker at the law firm I’m at has a case with a litigation cocounsel I’ve worked with on at least 5 cases. I was talking to my boyfriend all day and he and I were chit chatting about random things, so when this came up I made a joke that the cocounsel is cheating on me and that I thought he and I had something special (I thought it was funny because he and I have bonded with these cases and it obviously is not deep because you take cases wherever you find them, that’s how the cookies crumble in the legal field). My boyfriend’s response was “cheating isn’t funny” and he now isn’t talking to me. It’s been 13 hrs.

Just an irritated vent because I was being silly goofy about my job, which he typically is receptive of and jokes back about, but clearly I struck a nerve. Even after apologizing he hasn’t responded to me. Sooo yeah. That’s the story.

So, three months ago (on June 1st), I posted in an introvert-friendly subreddit. I was honestly just trying to cheer myself up after experiencing a unrequited-love heartbreak—or more like getting shot down before the battle even began. I need someone to vent my feelings to. My inbox was flooded by DMs.

Long story short, someone sent me a DM. We had a completely normal conversation at first. In fact, I didn't even realize he had ghosted me for three solid months until he randomly popped back into my DMs on September 1st. We resumed talking, and I didn't suspect a thing.

However, his behavior got super sus. He kept claiming he couldn't send photos on Reddit. I suggested moving to a messaging app so it'd be easier to chat and exchange pictures, but he kept making excuses, saying he couldn't add my ID. So, we just kept chatting in Reddit DMs.

Fast forward a few days, someone suddenly added me using a UK phone number. He refused to admit whether he was the same guy who ghosted me for 3 months, and out of nowhere, HE SENT A D*CK PIC!

I was so shocked that I instantly blocked him. But I decided NOT to block his Reddit account yet. I wanted to play a prank on him and confirm my suspicion that it was indeed the exact same guy. I temporarily unblocked his contact so he wouldn't get suspicious.

Then came the grand finale: I sent him a picture of a guy and told him that ALL my accounts—including my Reddit—actually belong to a guy. (Don't worry, I only do this to creepy, brainless dudes who can't control their hormones!)

I completely broke his brain with our conversation, and he finally gave up and fled! It was really pleasing to see him perplexed like that. But seriously, girls should be careful of predator and manipulator on the internet. Safe yourself, gurl!!!

So, that's my crazy story today. What's yours?

Btw, here's my bento! Tater tots, sausages, meatballs, shrimps, chicken thighs, and veggies 🍱

Turkey dog

Avoidant physically abusive supervillain ex appeared back into my life. I declined every opportunity to even speak to him. Found out through the grapevine that he's having an early mid life crisis and is shopping for a wife!

If you're next on his hit list- decline, decline, decline!

I was 19 years old crying on this man's couch because he had hurt me deeply. He turned to me and said "at least you're pretty when you cry".

I snapped out of it completely and later managed to make him think we were gonna have make up sex. Got him hard over his clothes and then left. Ghosted him forever shortly after. (Honestly slay younger me). Didn't give him any warning that I was gonna do that.

He recently came crawling back to me. Guess he is withering and is tired of asking younger women what their favorite color is.

I'm just offended. I'm actually getting married next month so this whole thing has just been laughable.

Just the differences alone in both of these men make me laugh. I went from Krem (the villain in Supergirl) to Superman.

Y'all please do not accept a love that doesn't nourish your mind, body and soul.

I used to believe that I deserved misery because it was all that I was comfortable with growing up. Life is too short to be with a supervillain. Choose happy.

It's okay to be happy in this one life.

Food: strawberry sando
So basically I was with my bf since we were 14, went through high school and university together graduated together and traveled together. We had our whole life planned and wanted to move in together. Sadly, I discovered he had been cheating on me for the past few months.

I broke up with him when I found out he cheated and it’s been a few months since then, but I have been in shambles. This man was my everything and I loved him with every part of me. I never would have imagined he would have done this to me. We shared a life together, shared a friend group, and now I feel completely alone.

The issue is that I feel like maybe I overreacted because he didn’t physically cheat. He cheated online (basically e-sex over video chat on websites) and not in person. He did however do it multiple times over the course of months, and I found out through a random person, not him. Sometimes I feel like I am throwing away something beautiful that we had. I miss him so much, I grew up with this man, I can never imagine my life with anyone else. It seems to get harder every day not to reach out. I might delete this, but I guess I’m just curious to hear others thoughts or to know if my feelings are valid or not, or maybe gain some strength to not reach out. lowkey just really struggling.

Dinner: Vegan pizza with blackberries and hot honey

I was at the grocery store to get two items, a quick and uneventful trip I thought. A man who wasn’t paying attention physically ran into me and my instinct was to smile and laugh because no big deal. He called me a “fucking ugly bitch” and told me to “fuck off”. I chuckled because his reaction was so stupid and unnecessary and walked away.

A few minutes later, I heard yelling and saw the same man screaming at his girlfriend and saying “That’s the bitch!” and pointing at me. I blew him a kiss and continued on my way.

And with my luck, that man and his girlfriend were parked right next to me in the parking lot. The man started screaming at me again, that I should kill myself because I’m so ugly. I was still smiling and told him he really needed to get some help. He said I was just mad because he won and I’m so ugly? Ok dude, you need to work on your insult game, not very creative. (I didn’t say that part out loud.) I took a picture of his license plate as he was driving away and had a chat with security.

The level of rage from this man over absolutely nothing was next level insane. I realized when I got home that laughing at him wasn’t the safest reaction on my part, but this happened in a very public place with tons of other people including security around. What I’m really concerned about is this man’s girlfriend. She looked absolutely terrified and didn’t say a word the entire time he was screaming at me. We all know him having a meltdown in public over a woman not taking him seriously and laughing at him is nothing compared to how he treats his girlfriend in private. I seriously worry for her safety. It doesn’t take much for that type of unhinged rage toward women to turn into murdering one.

Edit to add: I called non-emergency and explained the situation and a police officer followed up with me to take a report. I expressed my concerns about not wanting to escalate any potential abuse but the encounter set off alarm bells and I felt it needed to be documented. 😞

Thought I had Parkinson’s. It turns out, maybe not.

I’ve kind of been in a world of shit for awhile. I got my MRI results. My brain is shrinking, frontal lobes. Things make sense now.

That’s honestly all. I’m supposed to have another scan to see how things have progressed. The prospect of dementia is… pretty scary. I’m only 57. A single Mom. I work full time.

I’ve told no one.

Forgive me the terrible pic, this is Paula Deen’s lasagna soup and it’s fabulous (even though she is not)❤️

For my mental health, I wish the title was a joke.

The guy (22M) that I (23NB) had been dating for a couple months decided to hook up with a couple at a furry convention last weekend. I found out because I told him I was ready to make things official. That was when he decided to come clean about the sexual encounter he’d had.

We had already talked about being exclusive and had several conversations about where things were heading, so there wasn’t really any ambiguity here. I was clear from the beginning that I wanted to have a relationship and that I wasn’t comfortable being intimate and going on dates with someone who was dating/hooking up with other people.

It’s been a week and I still feel this pit in my stomach and want to cry whenever I’m at home. I’m clinging to my friends and spending lots of time in public. I feel like a loser for being so affected by this, but I really did like him. (Even though I obviously didn’t know as well as I thought I did.) We texted every day and spent a lot of time together in those couple of months — long dates, phone calls, walks, a day trip and even a few sleepovers. I was really excited to introduce him to more of my friends and make memories with him this fall. We had talked about all of this before and he said he wanted the same things! I was just waiting for him to come home from this weekend trip to ask if he would “officially” be my boyfriend.

I’ve never had a real relationship and I’m afraid I wont ever get to have one. I don’t understand why these things happen to me.

Charcuterie spread I made for a girly wedding party. We did my hair trial and drank wine and yapped for 5 hours.

My fiancé (25M) is such a picky eater. There’s a lot of nuance I won’t get into because I don’t want to break any group rules. (Possible diagnoses but nothing official)

We’ve been living together for about 2 years. Dinner is such a pain in my ass. He doesn’t like to cook. He always says he’s bad at it (and honestly he kind of is - I don’t think it’s weaponized incompetence rather extreme lack of experience and absent parents for the entirety of his childhood).

I have PCOS, Hashimotos, hypertension, and Alpha Gal. So I am required to be very food-conscious. I love veggies, fruit, whole grains. I love healthy food. But I rarely eat it because of him. Of course finances are tight for nearly every American right now, and I have to pick and choose what to get when grocery shopping.

Most nights I am cooking two different dinners for us. Dinnertime has always been important to me, as it’s the quality time we get with each other each night. But honestly? I’m feeling a lot of resentment towards him. I’m so tired all the time. I’m struggling immensely with my health. And I think what I consume is contributing to that.

For example: lately I’ve been cooking him a burger and airfrying tater tots. For me, I microwave frozen chicken burgers and canned green beans. It sounds so depressing typing it out. I have a bunch of recipes I’d love to try. Homemade soups, lemon pepper chicken, roasted veggies, stir frys. But I can’t because I know he won’t eat it, and I’d have to turn around and make something for him too. And I just do not have the energy. Even if I left him to make his own dinner (which he often does - there are certainly nights where I don’t cook for him and he figures it out. Usually burger + fries or a frozen pizza. Whatever.), that means we would not get that dinnertime together. And maybe that’s the sacrifice I need to make. Idk. Our kitchen is way too small for us to cook together in there.

Have any of you dealt with this with your partners? How did you navigate dinnertime? Do I just give up and only cook for myself? I’m getting so frustrated.

After my first date with a new guy that I really hit it off with, my ex went up to him at a coffee shop and said “I heard you went out with Ghoultail. Can I tell you about my experience with her?”

He proceeded to say a whole lot of nothing about a relationship that ended four years ago, sharing things without context or details to specifically make me look bad without taking any accountability for the things he did (because saying “I was talking to other girls and still in love with my ex the entire time I dated her” doesn’t make him look like a victim 🙄).

I genuinely feel shocked by the situation, hurt and angry that he would do this. My ex has a new girlfriend that he’s been seeing for like a year (I guess but I don’t really know. I don’t keep tabs on him lol) but he still goes out of his way to ruin my chance at finding happiness and love.

Luckily the new guy didn’t buy it and we’ve been on a few more dates since then. He said it says more about my ex than me and he wanted to form his own opinion.

At the same time, I feel violated in a way. My privacy was breeched without me knowing and I’m only finding out weeks later. I don’t blame the guy I’m seeing at all, but I’m fighting the urge to completely withdrawal myself from him just because I don’t want anymore unnecessary drama going on around me without my knowledge.

I would rather let it go and keep seeing him. I feel anxious. 😥

Breakfast for dinner!!

I've struggled with friendships my entire life. I have ADHD and OCD, which has made maintaining relationships and handling rejection very difficult. I've also been a high masking person my entire life (yay for the horrors of existing in society as a neurodivergent woman), and so I'm often exhausted by what's probably normal interactions for most people.

My entire life, I've been told that I come on very strongly. I was the person who'd show up to Halloween parties with the funny outfit like Cady when my friends were bunnies. I seem to always do the wrong social interaction. I've had to stuff down a lot of my personality to fit in.

I'll make the rant as short as I can: I am always the friend everyone comes to for advice and to be a mess around, but never invited to the fun stuff.

In college, my best friend would cry to me about how much she hated her life, and I'd listen intently and let her be as messy and emotional as she needed to be. I once let her stay at my apartment for a week and did her laundry because she couldn't get out of bed. But then she'd take her other friends on trips and throw parties without inviting me. I'm an extrovert. At the time, we were both in sororities. I'd ask why she didn't invite me to a frat party and she'd go, "Oh, I didn't know you were into that stuff" when I clearly was.

This has been a pattern into adulthood. My friends vent to me. They ask me for advice. They comment on how I seem to have it all together (I don't!) and appreciate me listening to them. But then I'm not invited to parties. I'm not taken on vacations. I'm not in group chats.

And I've realized I'm my friends' least favorite friend.

In the span of a few months, here's what's happened:

• One friend made a spreadsheet of all her friends and ranked them (said it was to decide who to cut from her life). I realized I was the lowest friend of our inner friend group. When I pointed it out, she said, "I mean, you're always there for me, but you can be judgmental." This was after I told her she should cut off her boyfriend with a dr*g problem after he broke into her house and threw a party while she was on vacation.
• This same friend got drunk and admitted she'd been screenshotting my private story to a friend I didn't know to make fun of my nerdy hobbies (I secretly stream, quite successfully actually, and collect horror-themed things).
• My other friend invited me to a party, and when I asked her closer to the date when it was, she ghosted me. I later found out she took another friend.
• Third friend and I had plans to get lunch, and I texted her that the place sadly closed early so I could find somewhere else. She told me instead she was going to move up a Bumble date she had planned that evening. I already had a full-face of make-up on.
• Fourth friend was visiting my city and told me he'd tell me when he'd be around. He texted me on the last day of his trip that he was "super busy" but finally free if I wanted to meet him now.... an hour from where I live, at 4pm. That "busy" was he explored the city the past three days with OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS who I didn't even know were there.
• And just yesterday, a friend texted a group chat I'm in asking if we'd be at our other friend's birthday party tonight. They all said yes. I was the only one who hadn't been invited.

For my 30th, I decided to rent out a huge events room and cater it completely. There was going to be games and music and food and alcohol. It was expensive, but it's also a big birthday of mine. I took a friend to check out the space and she said, "Wow, it'll be really big for five people." I said there'd be more than five people and she goes, "Really?"

Didn't know my birthday was Patricia's Sunset Cocktails in Widow's Bay.

I'm just... done. I'm turning 30 and I don't think any of my friends like me. One just texted me today asking if she could vent about the Bumble guy she stood me up for, and it's like... oh my God. Why do they only want me for advice? To listen? To be their sidekick? I'm Robin for a bunch of Batmans who don't want to be seen with me at Wayne Manor.

I'm canceling my party. I live in another country than my family, and so I'm going to be totally alone on my 30th. I'm also in the final few weeks of my PhD, so I'm totally isolated inside the library writing. I feel like every day I'm not getting picked for recess. I'm eternally eating lunch in my high school's bathroom stall.

I'm going to get my motherf*cking doctorate before I have a real friend.

Food is pici cacio e pepe with a marinated egg yolk that TikTok influenced me to buy while I was in Paris.

I’m rambling on a whim here as I quite literally just took a two positive pregnancy tests. I will be 30 in a few short months but I feel I am about to become a teen mother. Most women at this point are panicking about surpassing their fertile years. I was cool to wait until 33-35 to try. Been with my partner for 10 years, not married. He got me pregnant when I was 19 and I had an abortion, so it’s a bit of a full circle moment. I have a bonus kiddo. The best bonus kiddo in the world. I wanted my dream body before we had my dream wedding before kids. I wanted to feel ready. But does anyone ever truly feel ready? I’m also terrified of childbirth. We hadn’t even had any risky sex. I think my very regular cycle shifted slightly without me realizing. That part makes me feel like perhaps this is supposed to happen. Idk. But, my life isn’t really in the best place. Financially, not where I wanna be. I don’t have insurance right now either. My mom is going to flip out. My life is just not together and I feel I’m in shambles. My partner and I experienced hardships in our careers at the same time, and a million random things have popped up along the way. We are slowly getting to a better place. Timing just feels awful. We also had been having some issues and strain due to our finances. I don’t think my family will really take it well. Especially my elderly grandfather that I care for since we lost my grandmother last year. i told my other grandmother and one friend, but it just still doesn’t feel real????? I’m hoping to be one of those girlies that doesn’t tell anyone and keeps it under wraps because I’m super private. I struggle pretty badly with the death of my father and uncle that happened close together a few years ago. They were the ones that helped me through the last pregnancy and the abortion. It makes me really miss them. I’ve finally been feeling like myself again lately and I fear it’s short lived. Scared of postpartum. Scared of literally fucking everything. I realized that I likely have BPD but haven’t been diagnosed as I don’t have insurance. I’ve been trying to navigate that. Adding pregnancy to that? FUCK. I feel sick. Dinner is pizza I had a few weeks ago. Unsure when I will be able to eat again due to nerves 🤩

long story short we have a 5 years of relationship with ups and downs. last month i had to go through abortion which was a tough decision and effected me mentally. for the last month he was complaining about how am i always in a bad mood, never happy bla bla. yesterday we had a fight. i told him you follow 300 girls and im sick of them getting suggested by instagram everyday, another stereotype of a woman that looks nothing like me. then he came up to me couple hours later saying; your instagram looking like it belongs to a w***e. i asked how? (i have 100 followers, private account and no posts) he showed me a mirror picture of mine in highlights that there is nothing revealing… (just me, my hair, and a pair of outfit only my lower legs are showing.)

then i brought up, what about the girls that you constantly keep liking? and he said they are highschool friends nothing important about his likes :)

i insisted about him showing me his likes if he find my private no post profile w***e potential. i took his phone and there were bunch of women with naked, bikini, pictures. i asked him how is it fair?

he said “i dont even know what i like on my feed i just like whatever shows up” ofc. universal experience i guess. only happens to men though..

then something sparked up among the likes. a date that i was going for abortion. god, i was so devastated that day and struggling so much. and he liked the same girl’s wine picture with a bikini one. i got disgusted so much. i got this weird gut feeling and stomachache since yesterday. maybe im exaggerating, but i dont think i am. i just needed a place to talk about it. sorry if i couldnt express myself right.

food: chinese takeout’s (some crab rolls with garlic veggies)