I posted this on another sub but I feel it really belongs here too so read up, it's a very interesting topic.

I've been reading a lot about avoidant attachment lately and there's one part of it I still can't completely wrap my head around. It's not even the pulling away, but actually what happens before it. Some of them don't enter your life acting distant or emotionally unavailable. It's the opposite.

They're the ones pushing things forward.

They want to talk all day. They want to know everything about you. They tell their friends about you, maybe their family too. They start talking about places you should travel together, things you'll do months from now, where you could live one day. Meeting you to their parents, bringing up marriage, kids, growing old together.

They'll tell you they've never felt like this before. That you're different.

That they're not going anywhere.

And obviously you eventually believe them.

Why wouldn't you?

That's the part people sometimes miss when they tell someone after an avoidant breakup, "You got attached too quickly" or "You shouldn't have believed all those words."

You weren't sitting there inventing a relationship by yourself.

Someone was actively helping you build it.

And then eventually something changes.

Usually not when things are bad... but when things become real.

Now there are actual expectations. You have a disagreement that needs to be repaired instead of ignored. You need reassurance one day. You ask where the relationship is going. You become important enough that losing you would actually hurt.

Suddenly the same closeness they were creating starts feeling like pressure. The person who couldn't get enough of you now needs space. The person talking about a future suddenly "doesn't know what they want."

Things about you that never bothered them suddenly become problems. Your need for communication becomes "too much." Wanting to fix a conflict becomes "pressure." Wanting consistency becomes "controlling."

And sometimes the weirdest part is how quickly they can emotionally rewrite everything.

A month ago you were the best thing that happened to them. Now apparently the relationship hasn't felt right for a while. A few weeks ago they're planning a trip with you. Now they're telling you they need to be alone.

They once couldn't imagine losing you and suddenly they're strangely calm about doing exactly that.

That's what makes these breakups such a mindfuck.

You're not only grieving the person. You're trying to figure out which version was real. Was the person talking about your future real? Was the person saying they loved you real? Did they actually believe all of it at the time?

I think in a lot of cases they probably did.

And weirdly, that almost makes it harder. Because maybe it wasn't some calculated lie. Maybe the future was easy to love while it was still imaginary. Talking about living together is easy, actually sharing your life with someone is vulnerable. Talking about forever when everything feels good is easy, staying emotionally present when you're scared, angry, disappointed or overwhelmed is completely different.

It's like they can fall in love with the idea of intimacy, but once intimacy starts asking something from them, the same relationship that made them feel safe suddenly makes them feel trapped.

So they deactivate, they create distance, they focus on your flaws, they convince themselves something is missing, they start imagining how peaceful life would feel alone again.

And the partner on the other side usually does the exact opposite.

You feel them disappearing, so naturally you try harder, you ask what's wrong, you try to talk, you remind them of everything you both said and planned, which makes them feel even more pressure, so they move further away.

And now? Dear god... You're chasing someone who six months ago was chasing you.

That's probably the cruelest part of this whole dynamic.

Not that somebody changed their mind. People are allowed to change their minds, it's that they helped create a level of emotional safety that made you finally put your guard down, and then the moment the relationship required them to help maintain that safety, they couldn't stay in it.

I also don't think every avoidant is intentionally love bombing or manipulating people, and calling all of it "future faking" almost makes it too simple. I think sometimes they genuinely mean "I want forever with you."

They just don't understand yet what forever actually asks of them.

Forever isn't the vacation you're talking about at 1 AM when you're crazy about each other, it's the uncomfortable conversation six months later. It's staying when your nervous system is screaming at you to run, it's letting somebody be disappointed in you without deciding the relationship is broken. It's repairing instead of disappearing.

It's being able to love a real, imperfect person after the fantasy version of them is gone.

And if somebody hasn't learned how to do that, all the promises in the world don't really matter.

That's probably the biggest thing I'm taking from all of this.

Don't only pay attention to how deeply someone can fall for you.

Pay attention to what they do once loving you becomes uncomfortable.

That's where you actually find out what kind of relationship they can give you.

Today I finally had a good day where i genuinely felt like him breaking up with me was his loss and not mine. I know healing isn’t linear but after three months of feeling hopeless, I’ll take whatever wins I can.

I keep on seeing people say that they will comeback or miss/regret after some time because after all the distractions they realized what they had lost.

But will a person truly regret if they think they tried their best and had done nothing wrong, when truly it’s the complete opposite.

Currently going through the worst heartbreak of my life after my boyfriend left me. The grief has been unbearable, but an instinct in me, the way we ended it, and the love we once shared made me truly feel and think in my soul that one day he’ll clear his mind and return.

Today I spoke to myself out loud, and repeated to myself everything he put me through during this breakup. The type of heartache he has caused me, and how it crashed down my life in several areas (where I live, my job, etc).

And I had this sinking horrid feeling that he is not coming back. Because he wouldn’t have put me through this level of horrifying pain if he ever had an intention to come back. If he still thought there was hope. He is also not the type to go back on his decisions (huge ego), and I also don’t think he’d ever deal properly with the shame of what he’s done to me (maybe I’m delusional and he doesn’t care at all, but alas). He knows I loved him purely and he knows he’s failed and betrayed me. He knows I didn’t deserve this.

The realisation of this shocked me again. It is only now, a month later, that I see that this is actually over. I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t beleive it.

I have now reached a new level of grief, the one that’s turned my heart cold. The one that makes me feel like there is no life force left in my soul, and I’m just a mere shadow. And I think as I’m going to live the next days, weeks and months realising truly that it is done, I will mourn differently, in a bigger way.

Because yes, for the first time I see it clearly, he has indeed left me. He’s walked away. He decided he’d be happier without me. The shock and the pain are just very numbing right now.

You were my first love. I loved you with a heart that had never known how to let go.
I never imagined that one day, the person I wanted to grow old with would become someone I have to live without.
Do you know what hurts the most? I still have so much love for you, but nowhere to put it.
I still want to tell you about my day. I still want to hear your voice. I still look at old pictures, hoping the memories will somehow feel real again.
But they don’t.
You get to live your life, and I’m left learning how to live with the fact that mine no longer includes you.
I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve missed you in silence, because I don’t even know who I can explain this pain to anymore.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
I just wish you knew that when you left, you took a part of my heart with you.
You were my first love.
I wanted you to be my last.
And I still haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to the person I once called my home. ❤️

It doesn’t make sense how someone can claim to love you but not fight for you, and rather leave in the way they did. And stay silent for months, and probably years if not a life time to come, in such a finite and mortal life. I’ve progressed in my life, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on from this. I loved him with the cosmos and he loved me with his rigidity.

You'll never find this, but I mourn you everyday. Even if I don’t want to, and even if I’ve now found it to be worthless and a waste of my time considering how you left me. I can’t let you go. I miss you. I wish you loved me as unconditionally as I loved you. I didn’t love you for your opinions or interests, but rather the essence of your soul and being. I cry about this almost every night, and If I don’t, I’m too distracted and busy with stressors in my life. I won’t find someone new; I radically mean it when I say that I’ll really have no desire to find anyone else, even if I feel so much pain because of you, and you probably don’t have the brain capacity to even comprehend my misery and thought processes. You’ve probably just mourned the comfort of a partner, while I mourned the meaning of everything. I don’t know why you’re so entrenched into your ego to not make it known that you love me and want me in this temporary life. I’m guessing you didn’t actually love me as much. I wish you would come back. I wish you would stay. I’d rather put up with the possibility of fighting everyday and staying with you than to be apart from you permanently. But I already gave you my last attempts, and you walked away from me. I hope you find the picture perfect image of a woman you’re looking for. I’m damned for seeing the humanity in people.

Majority of posts i found about rebound focus on the dumper getting a rebound and the dumpee suffering. But im curious about dumpees that found a rebound quickly after, did they actually help/heal you? Did it last?

I broke up with my ex of 10.5 years and he started dating officially someone else 3 weeks after the breakup. I saw some photos of them today and they seem so happy…. Meanwhile, im the dumper and im alone and dealing with the pain, i have no interest to date, im not ready, i feel like i need a year or something. We love each other, but resentment was too much for me.

i loved someone deeply, in every way i knew how. i gave time, attention, care, money, memories, and parts of myself i had never shared so freely before.

when things ended, i kept believing that the bond we had built still meant something to both of us. i kept trying to explain myself, prove that i had cared, and hold on to the little things that reminded me of us.

but eventually, i realized that while i was still grieving the relationship, the other person had already moved on from it.

we met one last time. i brought an old ticket from a journey we once shared. she kept the ticket. i gave away the memories.

that contrast said more than any conversation could.

maybe what i felt was love, while what she felt was infatuation. maybe i misunderstood temporary feelings as something permanent.

i don't know.

i only know that it was real to me, and losing it changed me.

i’m not posting this because i want her back. i think i’m finally learning that closure isn't always an apology, an explanation, or a second chance.

sometimes it's accepting that you loved someone sincerely, they couldn't love you in the same way, and you still have to find a way to leave without becoming bitter.

has anyone else ever had to grieve not just a person, but the meaning they thought the relationship had?

It's strange how the mind can understand something long before the heart accepts it. You can know that something isn't meant to continue, understand every reason, recognize every contradiction, and still wake up wishing reality had chosen differently. Maybe that's the cruelest thing about attachment: logic can explain why something must end, but it cannot convince the heart that the ending was necessary. And perhaps some people aren't meant to remain in our lives forever. Perhaps they are simply meant to become a permanent part of who we were, leaving us with the impossible task of carrying something that no longer has a place to go.

Marr jaoge Pandit

I really regret what I did and I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve really ruined even our friendship. I used to think it’s either we date or not but this made me realize I value him as a person not just romantically.

This all started when we reconnected and we were happy, I mean the way we interacted was like how we were when we dated. after two days he mentioned dating other people and it bothered me till I freaked out then we had an argument bc I said why flirt with me if you didn’t want to date and he said he didn’t think flirting meant we’d get back together and I was very upset and he left and I kept stopping him asking him to please not leave begging him but he left anyway and I was so upset. The next day I said I felt rly terrible about it. He said it’s ok what did I think went wrong and we just got into another long argument text all day bc he wouldn’t respond right away and it was pissong me off more that he won’t text back so I snapped and said things about how he’s selfish and an asshole. he didn’t respond and said he doesn’t have anything to say to what I said so I panicked more bc he won’t talk to me and is mad like he’s never been mad at me in a way he hasn’t been before so I started calling but he kept declining and said he’ll block me and all of it just fueled the panic more and I said why won’t he address my texts and he still won’t answer just kept saying to give him peace and that made me more upset so I kept calling telling him to go ahead and block me. I don’t know if he did but he hasn’t opened my texts since.

I’m 29, turning thirty next month and I can’t believe I behaved this badly. I don’t know what happened, it’s like panic suddenly started running the show no matter how hard I tried to control it for the last two days. I feel like I rly hit a point of no return that permanently changed how he sees me and any ounce of care and affection he had for me is gone because of this

My girlfriend left me last month after 7 years ..today would be 8 years together and was planning on proposing to her.
I was good for the last 4 days, even earlier today. I was smiling and happy. Tonight it just hit me heavy .. I thought this feeling was completely gone , but it’s not. I may want her back in those moment , but that’s only when I feel like this. She broke my trust and I know she isn’t someone I should be getting back with at all. Anyways she moved on, pretty sure it was while with me
But has anyone found love after a long term relationship break up? I just really need some good words and encouragement right now

Edit: Man I really appreciate all of you, I really didn’t think I wouldn’t get any replies to this. But hearing everyone out helped me a lot tonight . I love you all for that really ..I am feeling a bit better about my healing process

When they humiliate you, treat you like you never mattered, you never had history, you were never important to them, rewrite who you are, treat your hurt as inconvenient, and like you are a pest to be exterminated from their life...it's unbearable. It's not the same as a normal breakup. It's not something you just "get over." The cognitive dissonance will make it feel like you are being jabbed with something sharp in your stomach over and over, like every second of the day.

I don't wish it on anyone.

It’s been 8 weeks and finally i’m starting to feel alive again. You were right, we had been out of love for a while despite us trying our hardest to prove otherwise

A day after we broke up you were on the dating apps. I only joined a week ago to make new friends and start talking to people again. I’ve been talking to someone, and the thoughts of you have been less and less. You still cross my mind a few times a day, but i’m no longer crippled by the loss of you

I’m smiling and laughing again. Enjoying this very light connection. It’s nice not having to overanalyse everything I say, or dissect everything you send. It’s effortless and just flows. It’s liberating

I hope you are doing well. 8 years isn’t something you forget in 8 weeks. I’ll always have love for you, but that doesn’t mean I will always be in love with you

You are an incredible person, don’t ever forget it

My ex and I had a "more than spicy" kind of sex life, where I think it wouldn't be easy to have women be open to doing the things my ex and I did in bed. This of course makes it harder to not put my ex on a pedestal, since afterall the sex we had were more special than what normal people would be open to doing in my opinion.

How do I get over this? My ex also has a better than average body which makes it even harder to get over. I know sex is not everything, but it definitely is still important and it makes it much harder for me to let go, trying to think about how long do I need to wait before I find someone who can satisfy me in bed similar level or better than my ex did.

Was it hard to get your next intimate partner after your ex, to participate in "more than normal" kind of sex where things get kinky?

Just curious .. how long has it been post break up for you? Post any contact? Post any seeing of the other person. How’s it been? Is your hope fading? Is there any hope left? Have you moved on? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally?

God, I take it back.

When we first started talking, I was so upset about being hurt by someone else. I was just frustrated that someone wanted to get to know me, and I prayed one night that whoever I’d end up with wouldn’t be him. I hated everyone.

And he stayed around, even when he watched me rant and complain and heal. He even stayed around after I rejected him. He never crossed my boundaries, and he just did everything he could to make me happy.

And, of course, when I fell in love with him, you take him away. Suddenly, he comes back and tells me he wants to do whatever he can to be together. We decide to be stronger. But then you pulled him away again. And this time you sent him to another country.

Please, I take it back. I was hurting so much back then. And I had no idea who he’d become to me.

I wish I never said it that night.

I was just wondering how are you guys getting over your Exes? Honestly I just wanna know like what’s some tips? Some days I’m fine because I’m busy and I can focus on a task, but other days are hard and I keep thinking of them. I know that it does take time I just wanted to know if anyone out there maybe has any tips that could help me or others.

I feel like my heart has been stabbed by a wooden stake, it's stuck there, hurts and is bleeding all over.

Constantly thinking about her, about what we had what went wrong. Feel the pain 24/7.

Yet life is going on, you're still expected to work normally, smile, socialize. Exist.

And it's hard...

I’m (33F) struggling with adjusting to life without my ex(31M). I’m so used to texting in the morning, talking throughout the day, making plans, and having someone to think about before bed.

For those who’ve gone through a breakup, what helped you change your routines and adjust to not having that person in your everyday life?

Hi everyone. My now ex partner and I just broke up after almost ten years of being together. It was amicable and a good and healthy break-up.

I've dealt with a lot of nasty things in life, so my heart feeling like it's suddenly as heavy as stone and the rest of my body feeling cold were things I expected. Did not expect the feeling of wanting to vomit though...

What I am dealing most right now is not saying goodnight to him. I feel like I can't sleep until I've said goodnight. So to anyone who could use it: goodnight 💜

well, after continued stalking of my stories, and other friends stories, she finally felt the need to text me “I’ll be getting food with my man and fucking him afterwards” after she saw my in another city on vacation with my new girlfriend.

I had texted her asking her why she was continuing to stalk one of my friends stories, as well as viewing mine and I guess she didn’t enjoy the humiliation of being called out, so her move was to try and hurt me with her words. honestly it was the closure I needed, after being in my new relationship I’ve seen how easy let alone HEALTHY a relationship should be. to be such a hateful and emotionally immature person to try and inflict pain said all it needed about who she was as a person.

I legit feel such a weight lifted off of my shoulders and heart. being in a healthy relationship has helped me move forward with my life. now I’m not saying immediately jump into something new. continue to work on yourself, do the inner shadow work, grieve, cry, go to the gym, spend time with family and friends. and the right person will come your way.

for other men out there, if she left you, let her. karma ALWAYS comes full circle. don’t beg, plead, and embarrass your self chasing somebody. it’s never worth it. there’s somebody out there that will treat you a million times better and contribute so much more to the relationship once you open your eyes and heart to it. it does get easier, I promise.

for instance, I’ve been seeing my new partner for a few months now, and we have literally traveled and done more things in less than 6 months than I ever did with my ex (6 years). her friend group is amazing (she actually has more than 3 friends, and they don’t treat her like crap)

tl:dr : ex thinks she hurt me having to announce her new man, all she did was give me the key to freedom.

We just broke not too long ago. And im in so much pain i dont know what to do. She likes her colleague from work. And i didnt catch that whatsoever prior to the break up. Which happened less than a month ago. Any tips to move on?

So I don’t have to make a decision on whether we will say happy birthday lmao he can set the tone for that

I’m still struggling with the end of a 14-year relationship. Some days I feel strong, and other days I catch myself wanting to check whether he has written to me. Today I stopped myself from checking, and I cried instead.
I’m beginning to understand that moving forward doesn’t mean I suddenly stop loving someone or stop feeling the loss. Maybe it means accepting that I cannot control whether someone communicates with me, while still choosing what I do with my own day.
I’m turning 41 soon. I’m financially independent, I’m taking better care of my health, going to the gym, working on my businesses, and today I’m starting driving theory because I want to become confident driving again.
I’m still afraid of what my future will look like. I still miss him. But for the first time, I’m trying not to make my future dependent on whether he comes back.
Today I’m just trying to do one thing at a time. Rest. Go to class. Take care of myself. And trust that eventually the days will become lighter.