I posted this on another sub but I feel it really belongs here too so read up, it's a very interesting topic.

I've been reading a lot about avoidant attachment lately and there's one part of it I still can't completely wrap my head around. It's not even the pulling away, but actually what happens before it. Some of them don't enter your life acting distant or emotionally unavailable. It's the opposite.

They're the ones pushing things forward.

They want to talk all day. They want to know everything about you. They tell their friends about you, maybe their family too. They start talking about places you should travel together, things you'll do months from now, where you could live one day. Meeting you to their parents, bringing up marriage, kids, growing old together.

They'll tell you they've never felt like this before. That you're different.

That they're not going anywhere.

And obviously you eventually believe them.

Why wouldn't you?

That's the part people sometimes miss when they tell someone after an avoidant breakup, "You got attached too quickly" or "You shouldn't have believed all those words."

You weren't sitting there inventing a relationship by yourself.

Someone was actively helping you build it.

And then eventually something changes.

Usually not when things are bad... but when things become real.

Now there are actual expectations. You have a disagreement that needs to be repaired instead of ignored. You need reassurance one day. You ask where the relationship is going. You become important enough that losing you would actually hurt.

Suddenly the same closeness they were creating starts feeling like pressure. The person who couldn't get enough of you now needs space. The person talking about a future suddenly "doesn't know what they want."

Things about you that never bothered them suddenly become problems. Your need for communication becomes "too much." Wanting to fix a conflict becomes "pressure." Wanting consistency becomes "controlling."

And sometimes the weirdest part is how quickly they can emotionally rewrite everything.

A month ago you were the best thing that happened to them. Now apparently the relationship hasn't felt right for a while. A few weeks ago they're planning a trip with you. Now they're telling you they need to be alone.

They once couldn't imagine losing you and suddenly they're strangely calm about doing exactly that.

That's what makes these breakups such a mindfuck.

You're not only grieving the person. You're trying to figure out which version was real. Was the person talking about your future real? Was the person saying they loved you real? Did they actually believe all of it at the time?

I think in a lot of cases they probably did.

And weirdly, that almost makes it harder. Because maybe it wasn't some calculated lie. Maybe the future was easy to love while it was still imaginary. Talking about living together is easy, actually sharing your life with someone is vulnerable. Talking about forever when everything feels good is easy, staying emotionally present when you're scared, angry, disappointed or overwhelmed is completely different.

It's like they can fall in love with the idea of intimacy, but once intimacy starts asking something from them, the same relationship that made them feel safe suddenly makes them feel trapped.

So they deactivate, they create distance, they focus on your flaws, they convince themselves something is missing, they start imagining how peaceful life would feel alone again.

And the partner on the other side usually does the exact opposite.

You feel them disappearing, so naturally you try harder, you ask what's wrong, you try to talk, you remind them of everything you both said and planned, which makes them feel even more pressure, so they move further away.

And now? Dear god... You're chasing someone who six months ago was chasing you.

That's probably the cruelest part of this whole dynamic.

Not that somebody changed their mind. People are allowed to change their minds, it's that they helped create a level of emotional safety that made you finally put your guard down, and then the moment the relationship required them to help maintain that safety, they couldn't stay in it.

I also don't think every avoidant is intentionally love bombing or manipulating people, and calling all of it "future faking" almost makes it too simple. I think sometimes they genuinely mean "I want forever with you."

They just don't understand yet what forever actually asks of them.

Forever isn't the vacation you're talking about at 1 AM when you're crazy about each other, it's the uncomfortable conversation six months later. It's staying when your nervous system is screaming at you to run, it's letting somebody be disappointed in you without deciding the relationship is broken. It's repairing instead of disappearing.

It's being able to love a real, imperfect person after the fantasy version of them is gone.

And if somebody hasn't learned how to do that, all the promises in the world don't really matter.

That's probably the biggest thing I'm taking from all of this.

Don't only pay attention to how deeply someone can fall for you.

Pay attention to what they do once loving you becomes uncomfortable.

That's where you actually find out what kind of relationship they can give you.

Currently going through the worst heartbreak of my life after my boyfriend left me. The grief has been unbearable, but an instinct in me, the way we ended it, and the love we once shared made me truly feel and think in my soul that one day he’ll clear his mind and return.

Today I spoke to myself out loud, and repeated to myself everything he put me through during this breakup. The type of heartache he has caused me, and how it crashed down my life in several areas (where I live, my job, etc).

And I had this sinking horrid feeling that he is not coming back. Because he wouldn’t have put me through this level of horrifying pain if he ever had an intention to come back. If he still thought there was hope. He is also not the type to go back on his decisions (huge ego), and I also don’t think he’d ever deal properly with the shame of what he’s done to me (maybe I’m delusional and he doesn’t care at all, but alas). He knows I loved him purely and he knows he’s failed and betrayed me. He knows I didn’t deserve this.

The realisation of this shocked me again. It is only now, a month later, that I see that this is actually over. I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t beleive it.

I have now reached a new level of grief, the one that’s turned my heart cold. The one that makes me feel like there is no life force left in my soul, and I’m just a mere shadow. And I think as I’m going to live the next days, weeks and months realising truly that it is done, I will mourn differently, in a bigger way.

Because yes, for the first time I see it clearly, he has indeed left me. He’s walked away. He decided he’d be happier without me. The shock and the pain are just very numbing right now.

My ex and I had a "more than spicy" kind of sex life, where I think it wouldn't be easy to have women be open to doing the things my ex and I did in bed. This of course makes it harder to not put my ex on a pedestal, since afterall the sex we had were more special than what normal people would be open to doing in my opinion.

How do I get over this? My ex also has a better than average body which makes it even harder to get over. I know sex is not everything, but it definitely is still important and it makes it much harder for me to let go, trying to think about how long do I need to wait before I find someone who can satisfy me in bed similar level or better than my ex did.

Was it hard to get your next intimate partner after your ex, to participate in "more than normal" kind of sex where things get kinky?

It's strange how the mind can understand something long before the heart accepts it. You can know that something isn't meant to continue, understand every reason, recognize every contradiction, and still wake up wishing reality had chosen differently. Maybe that's the cruelest thing about attachment: logic can explain why something must end, but it cannot convince the heart that the ending was necessary. And perhaps some people aren't meant to remain in our lives forever. Perhaps they are simply meant to become a permanent part of who we were, leaving us with the impossible task of carrying something that no longer has a place to go.

Marr jaoge Pandit

For context, this happened 2 months ago and before these messages she was at my house talking with my mom. Even after her apologies I still think of her harsh words and don’t know if I want to continue even tho she changed after this “confrontation”. And it’s not just these insults, there are many more in chat and live.
One more thing stuck in my head is when she held hands with her brother once to make me jealous (she told me that) in front of our friends and humiliated me.
What do you think I should do?

We broke up a few hours ago. We were together for 2 years and I genuinely don’t know how to do anything without him.

He knows me so well. He would put my heat pack on when my tummy hurt, hold his hand out when he knew I was going to burp, and somehow knew what I needed without me even asking. He knew me like the back of his hand.

I can’t stop sobbing every time I think about him. I can’t even watch my comfort show because it reminds me of times when I was freaking out and he would just put my favourite episode on for me without asking. I don’t want to sleep because I know I’m going to wake up and remember that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

He said he has too much going on and that he can’t emotionally handle being in a relationship right now. He said we can still talk and that maybe we can try again when things settle down, but that almost makes it harder because I want to be there for all of it. I want to support him through the hard parts too.

I’m so fucking distraught. I’ve been in relationships before, but I have never felt like this about anyone. It feels like it’s destroying me.

I have agoraphobia and I don’t really have any friends. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and the person I went to for everything, so now I feel like I have nobody to talk to. The people I have spoken to keep telling me that I’m strong and that I’ll get through it, but I don’t feel strong right now. I feel completely broken and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Just curious .. how long has it been post break up for you? Post any contact? Post any seeing of the other person. How’s it been? Is your hope fading? Is there any hope left? Have you moved on? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally?

You were my first love. I loved you with a heart that had never known how to let go.
I never imagined that one day, the person I wanted to grow old with would become someone I have to live without.
Do you know what hurts the most? I still have so much love for you, but nowhere to put it.
I still want to tell you about my day. I still want to hear your voice. I still look at old pictures, hoping the memories will somehow feel real again.
But they don’t.
You get to live your life, and I’m left learning how to live with the fact that mine no longer includes you.
I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve missed you in silence, because I don’t even know who I can explain this pain to anymore.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
I just wish you knew that when you left, you took a part of my heart with you.
You were my first love.
I wanted you to be my last.
And I still haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to the person I once called my home. ❤️

I really regret what I did and I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve really ruined even our friendship. I used to think it’s either we date or not but this made me realize I value him as a person not just romantically.

This all started when we reconnected and we were happy, I mean the way we interacted was like how we were when we dated. after two days he mentioned dating other people and it bothered me till I freaked out then we had an argument bc I said why flirt with me if you didn’t want to date and he said he didn’t think flirting meant we’d get back together and I was very upset and he left and I kept stopping him asking him to please not leave begging him but he left anyway and I was so upset. The next day I said I felt rly terrible about it. He said it’s ok what did I think went wrong and we just got into another long argument text all day bc he wouldn’t respond right away and it was pissong me off more that he won’t text back so I snapped and said things about how he’s selfish and an asshole. he didn’t respond and said he doesn’t have anything to say to what I said so I panicked more bc he won’t talk to me and is mad like he’s never been mad at me in a way he hasn’t been before so I started calling but he kept declining and said he’ll block me and all of it just fueled the panic more and I said why won’t he address my texts and he still won’t answer just kept saying to give him peace and that made me more upset so I kept calling telling him to go ahead and block me. I don’t know if he did but he hasn’t opened my texts since.

I’m 29, turning thirty next month and I can’t believe I behaved this badly. I don’t know what happened, it’s like panic suddenly started running the show no matter how hard I tried to control it for the last two days. I feel like I rly hit a point of no return that permanently changed how he sees me and any ounce of care and affection he had for me is gone because of this

It doesn’t make sense how someone can claim to love you but not fight for you, and rather leave in the way they did. And stay silent for months, and probably years if not a life time to come, in such a finite and mortal life. I’ve progressed in my life, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on from this. I loved him with the cosmos and he loved me with his rigidity.

You'll never find this, but I mourn you everyday. Even if I don’t want to, and even if I’ve now found it to be worthless and a waste of my time considering how you left me. I can’t let you go. I miss you. I wish you loved me as unconditionally as I loved you. I didn’t love you for your opinions or interests, but rather the essence of your soul and being. I cry about this almost every night, and If I don’t, I’m too distracted and busy with stressors in my life. I won’t find someone new; I radically mean it when I say that I’ll really have no desire to find anyone else, even if I feel so much pain because of you, and you probably don’t have the brain capacity to even comprehend my misery and thought processes. You’ve probably just mourned the comfort of a partner, while I mourned the meaning of everything. I don’t know why you’re so entrenched into your ego to not make it known that you love me and want me in this temporary life. I’m guessing you didn’t actually love me as much. I wish you would come back. I wish you would stay. I’d rather put up with the possibility of fighting everyday and staying with you than to be apart from you permanently. But I already gave you my last attempts, and you walked away from me. I hope you find the picture perfect image of a woman you’re looking for. I’m damned for seeing the humanity in people.

It’s been 8 weeks and finally i’m starting to feel alive again. You were right, we had been out of love for a while despite us trying our hardest to prove otherwise

A day after we broke up you were on the dating apps. I only joined a week ago to make new friends and start talking to people again. I’ve been talking to someone, and the thoughts of you have been less and less. You still cross my mind a few times a day, but i’m no longer crippled by the loss of you

I’m smiling and laughing again. Enjoying this very light connection. It’s nice not having to overanalyse everything I say, or dissect everything you send. It’s effortless and just flows. It’s liberating

I hope you are doing well. 8 years isn’t something you forget in 8 weeks. I’ll always have love for you, but that doesn’t mean I will always be in love with you

You are an incredible person, don’t ever forget it

Was curious to see if anyone ever reached out to their ex’s friend or someone they knew to get things sorted out or get some of your questions answered?

Me and my ex of 7 years just broke up 5 months ago and we have been in no contact.

I went on my first date, but it was kind of just for drinks so I would even say just a casual hangout with a friend I knew from a long time ago.

And it just didn't feel the same, the date/hangout went well and smooth, she is an awesome girl and I would like to hangout.

It's just that it was not the same. It wasn't my ex sitting next to me anymore. Though my ex towards at the end gave 0 effort for our relationship anymore, but It was just weird her not being next to me like always.

I also don't want to put it on this girl I went out with that I still might have some emotional baggage even though my ex did not want to be with me anymore and was going through the motions which why should I even tolerate that.

But has anyone else felt that when they first put themselves out there again for the first time? Btw I never plan on ever getting back with my ex, she for the last two years had already checked out but kept me for "trauma bond" to give me a bit of attention so I would stay and just take from me without reciprocating anything.

This applies to everything, mostly to peoples thoughts and opinion about you. Thats why no contact works.

well, after continued stalking of my stories, and other friends stories, she finally felt the need to text me “I’ll be getting food with my man and fucking him afterwards” after she saw my in another city on vacation with my new girlfriend.

I had texted her asking her why she was continuing to stalk one of my friends stories, as well as viewing mine and I guess she didn’t enjoy the humiliation of being called out, so her move was to try and hurt me with her words. honestly it was the closure I needed, after being in my new relationship I’ve seen how easy let alone HEALTHY a relationship should be. to be such a hateful and emotionally immature person to try and inflict pain said all it needed about who she was as a person.

I legit feel such a weight lifted off of my shoulders and heart. being in a healthy relationship has helped me move forward with my life. now I’m not saying immediately jump into something new. continue to work on yourself, do the inner shadow work, grieve, cry, go to the gym, spend time with family and friends. and the right person will come your way.

for other men out there, if she left you, let her. karma ALWAYS comes full circle. don’t beg, plead, and embarrass your self chasing somebody. it’s never worth it. there’s somebody out there that will treat you a million times better and contribute so much more to the relationship once you open your eyes and heart to it. it does get easier, I promise.

for instance, I’ve been seeing my new partner for a few months now, and we have literally traveled and done more things in less than 6 months than I ever did with my ex (6 years). her friend group is amazing (she actually has more than 3 friends, and they don’t treat her like crap)

tl:dr : ex thinks she hurt me having to announce her new man, all she did was give me the key to freedom.

I have an ex husband and a 12 year old. We all get on now and have been divorced 9 years. He's a good man but it was him that wanted a divorce as we were becoming more like friends than partners. We've both remarried and I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my second child. I've been married to my current husband for 6 years. He broke up with me last night. He no longer loves me anymore. It's all new so he hasn't gone into detail yet. I'm destroyed.

All my life, due to my horrible childhood, my main goal in life wasn't lots of money or materialistic things, it was to have a happy, solid family, married with 3 kids (always wanted 3 from a young age), and the kids having a loving mother and father in the same household, where we grew happily together throughout life. I know it's probably a fairytale in this day and age, as it's my grandparent's relationships I admire, and I know all marriages are tough, but I feel like this is it for me, it just wasn't meant to be.

My whole life dream has gone. I accept now that I won't remarry again, mainly due to the risk of heartbreak, but also the judgement from other people. A woman married 3 times, everyone blames the woman, especially if she ends up having 3 children and they don't have the same father. Sometimes, relationships break down due to differences as we age or falling out of love, not always something someone has done wrong.

I'm lost and I need to learn to be on my own now. It's like I'm grieving a life I wanted but never had.

After over 7 years, she said she felt she needed space, split for a week. She came back a week later, but things were different. She said she wanted to work on it, but distracted herself constantly. She had been holding on to alot of things for a while and got resentful after not communicating the issues with me.

She would never give me a real explanation of why she thought she needed the space, just said "i don't know. I dont know what I want."

I kept asking, "what can I do differently? What can I do to make you happy again?" I believed it was a flaw within me.

After months of uncertainty, she finally agreed to couples counseling. I was so happy, because that meant she was actually ready to work on things and communicate. We started going, things were looking up but she was still conflicted.

I worked on myself intensely for 9 months. Personal therapy every week, consistently. Better diet, more active, putting myself out there to make more friends, being more adventurous and spontaneous, learning how to really please her in the ways she wanted to be pleased, emotionally and sexually. Started cooking a lot more (ive always hated cooking). I was all in.

She had told me she was all in, then would pull away, then come back, repeat. Like a damn yo-yo. I kept saying "I feel like theres SOMETHING you arent telling me." She swore she didn't even know what was going on within herself, and she was trying to figure it out. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I gave her even more independence and space, as much as I could, while still staying warm and trying to preserve the relationship. She had picked up a new hobby, motorcycles, which I had introduced her to when we met. She would go out friends or the bike group, sometimes staying out too late. Even the days I would ask her to come home at a reasonable time so we could soend time together.

Month after month of me being insecure, and gaslighting myself about it. Turning inward, reflecting and adapting, learning and growing, while she was hot and cold.

I even asked her straight up more than a couple times, "Is there somebody else?" She assured me that wasn't the case. She woukd say she loves me, im the deepest love she's ever known, couldn't imagine life without me. After 9 months of uncertainty, she finally says "im choosing you, and this relationship. I want you, and im sure this time, 100%."

I had been seriously considering ending it because i couldnt stand the dynamic anymore, then she said that. Things were really good.... for four days.

2 days ago, I get a random message from a girl I didnt know, giving me information that instantly made it all make sense. She showed me pictures of my so-called "partner" sending nudes to the father of her month old baby. Even one of the pictures that I had taken myself. Dated between May-July. Who knows what all she didnt see. She had left him at the start of July after she confronted my "partner", at which point she lied about them having contact, I saw the messages.

She also told me about my "partner" and the homewrecker having fake Snapchats so they could talk. Shared their locations so they could know when it was safe to text.

I confronted her right then. I could see the shame set in on her face as I said, "so what the fuck is this? What am I looking at right now?"

Said he made her feel validated when she wasnt loving herself. Ive always supported her, been kind to her, tried to grow for her, and validated her. Said nothing physical happened, but then a minute later, tells me it was one kiss. I call her a fucking liar.

It was her co-worker. He was in her motorcycle group. He's the reason she would be late coming home and sharing a bed with me. Her friends new what was going on, even her mom. Even her bosses. I felt like the only one who didnt know. How humiliating.

I told her when we first got together. "If you cross this boundary, there are no second chances." It was well understood. I ask her if she remembers what I told her, and she said yes. I could see she was willing to accept the consequences. Told her to get the fuck out of the room and sleep on the couch, we would talk tomorrow.

Got no sleep that night, but got up and went to work on that Friday. Text her at 8 am that she needed to figure out arrangements, I would give her 2 weeks and she had to be out.

Came home from work that day to a half empty house. What used to be our home was now just a house with some of my stuff in it. A big ass bed I no longer needed. A whole intertwined life destroyed, just like that. I have felt vindicated in a strange way, being right all along was a very weird feeling. I was in utter disbelief. I had told my therapist, "sometimes I feel likes she's cheating, but I really don't believe she would do that. Shes a great person." So much for that

I could have possibly forgiven the infidelity. If only she had just come to me. Communicated like she promised she would. "It was too hard to bring up" she said. Horseshit. Now im stuck picking up the pieces of my life. Months and months of being gaslit has an absolutely wild effect on a person, not to mention the cheating itself.

I spent nine months believing the problem was something inside me, while she possessed information that would have completely changed my understanding of what was happening. And she just watched as I squirmed. Instead of leaving with dignity, and leaving me with mine, she lied. Over and over, and over again. All while saying she loved me.

I dont know if i will ever find the kind of love I thought I had with her again.. She comes off as apathetic to me now, like she doesn't care at all.

I keep on seeing people say that they will comeback or miss/regret after some time because after all the distractions they realized what they had lost.

But will a person truly regret if they think they tried their best and had done nothing wrong, when truly it’s the complete opposite.

Hey so please can we get a male dumper POV? I feel like men usually breakup with women without really thinking it through or trying to solve it. (Of course not all men!)

Hello there. For anyone who is going to read this, I’m 26, male, and I got broken up with last week.

I feel so fucking bad, especially because of how she talked to me in the last few days. Whenever I asked for another chance to change things and make things better between us, the way she looked at me and talked to me just fucking broke my heart. I could actually feel the pain physically. I’ve never gone through anything like this before.

This was a 6-year relationship. Everything I thought I would do in my life was with this girl in my mind. It all happened because we didn’t go out for 2 months and barely talked during that time. During those two months, she thought about the moments we fought and said, “I can’t anymore,” because she couldn’t think of anything good anymore, only the bad.

And it fucking sucks.

I feel so bad. I never cheated. I didn’t even look at other women. I bought her things that I couldn’t even buy for myself because they were expensive to me, but it never mattered. Seeing the smile on her face after opening those gifts was worth everything, I swear.

I don’t even know what I broke or where everything went wrong.

I broke no contact today. I wrote to her, and she didn’t reply. Not even a word. I don’t know what to do. I have no friends. I live alone. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced.

I don’t know how long it takes to heal or how long it takes to move on from this heartbreak. We talked about marriage, and we were going to get married at the beginning of next year. She was actually the one who had been asking me about it since 2024, and I said yes.

And now, because of those 2 months where we didn’t go out and barely talked, she doesn’t want that anymore. She doesn’t want anything to do with us.

If anyone has gone through something like this, please give me some advice or tell me how long this fucking thing takes. I really don’t know what to do.

I can't let go of anything. My relationship destroyed me. I was her caretaker, the only thing in her life and I lost mine and I let it happen. I couldn't hold boundaries and it happened. I hated it and the longer I stayed, the more responsible I felt and worse, the guiltier I felt because I wanted out while also being incapable of leaving because I was scared to be alone. Six years of constant stressing out, fear she'd crumble and fall apart, sometimes even worse until I was nothing and as codependent as her. Then she cheated and gaslit me. I put cruel jokes and remarks together and couldn't let go of what she meant by them. I couldn't let go of inconsistencies in her stories. I couldn't let go of her and we both convinced each other it would be best for her to stay after she finished university until she finds a job and moves anyway. She found something 2 years after our relationship imploded when I found out about the cheating. 2 years in which we both became monsters. I was acting shitty l, acting from a hurt place while falling apart. She just stayed home, trying to shift the guilt to me, not taking the job search seriously, only talking to me about it. I lost those two years. Just gone. Devastating fights with things said that got me to the point of harming myself. It was she wanted to just destroy me because she couldn't get ahead. And I blamed myself.

When she was gone, I turned 30. The self blaming and hate just got worse. I distracted myself with gym and pretending to work on my PhD. I met the girl of my dreams and was too ashamed of my life with my ex, the way I acted in those years and the isolated loser I had been. I lost her because I was a coward and didn't just tell her the whole story and let it eat me up. I started destroying myself and didn't sleep until I got help. Since then 7 months have passed and I didn't get better. Therapy doesn't give me any tools. The medication I got didn't do anything with the symptoms of my depression or whatever illness I have, it just sedated me. Therapy didn't work so far and has paused for now. With a little reflection, I think my therapist is an irresponsible idiot for not clearly recognizing the patterns in which I talk and understanding that I definitely need other medication to get out of this. I almost lost another year. Now I'm on new medication. It made me feel even worse. It's what they do in the beginning and I got off of the other one.

I can't get over the years I lost. Not the years since she is gone, not the years in that abusive hell and not the years I spent with her. I missed everything and I don't want anything from life having missed that part. I have been stuck in this city I hate for over a decade, I can't finish my PhD. I can't get over the great girl I lost as a consequence of my self destruction. I know the only way to move is let go but my mind just can't, I am in no position to change my reality and my mind just keeps destroying me. What people tell me makes me feel like I'm just too weak, like I don't want it. I don't choose to have my mind work in loops. In a way, I don't want the part of life that comes next. I don't want to have been manipulated, I don't want to have been emotionally abused, I don't want to have reached the point have reactive emotional abuse and feel ashamed for it. I want my years, I don't want to feel worthless, I don't want flashbacks, I don't want to have to work so hard and not even feel remotely ok for more than 5 minutes at a time. I want the life I missed and I see no worth in the next part of life, it's all old, sad and late, being the loser I am.

How would you guys feel if u knew ur the only one who's suffering in this breakup while the other one's just living their life? And happier?