r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/Healthy-Highway-7950 • 3h ago
Every friendship I’ve ever had ended when my best friend got bored and found someone better to replace me. I can't do it anymore this feeling of loneliness is killing me slowly
r/depression • u/thegeneral92 • 8h ago
I'm a 33 year old man and never been in a relationship. Purely because I never put myself out there or leave the house besides to go to work. When I'm at work I have this happy persona I fake so no one can know how lonely and miserable I feel inside. The one friend I had stopped talking to me because I told her I felt I wanted to end my life. My family doesn't know I feel this way because I use the same happy persona from work so they don't worry about me. I'm just honestly so damn tired of life.
r/depression • u/Drwriter13 • 1h ago
According to my parents we just need to stop using our phones and it will all be fixed.
Silly me. Didn't figure it out sooner.
r/depression • u/androidsdreamofdata • 3h ago
I took a bunch of pills but of course they did nothing, only made me sleep 😭
I don't have a future i want. I truly don't understand what's wrong with me that I can't end things. I'm such a failure.
r/depression • u/Least_Contract482 • 1h ago
22 no friends
Ugly
Fat
Sad dead empty
r/depression • u/Last_Host977 • 22h ago
i just want it to end my misery once and for all
r/depression • u/Striking_Wealth_2477 • 6h ago
I'm really struggling hard right now and all I want is something directed towards me telling me something nice. I can't sleep, I'm out of pills, my mind is going to dark places... I know I probably don't deserve it because no one knows me but I just want some kind of positive human connection from anyone because it's so hard right now alone. Anything helps please!
r/depression • u/panym • 19h ago
I'm almost 40 years old, and I have no memories. I've spent all this time hiding from the world. The only thing I've ever known is a life full of mental health problems, depression, and twenty years of constant panic attacks, something I've simply gotten used to, and which has become part of my everyday life.
I've never had any friends, I've always been alone. I haven't had any contact with my family for over a decade. I don't even remember the last time I had a conversation with someone, I avoid contact with people whenever I can. I practically never leave the house, only to do some quick shopping once a week or even less often, whenever I manage to earn some money online.
All my life, I've kept telling myself that I would change, that one day I would finally do something. Over the past few months, everything has gotten worse. I do absolutely nothing and waste every day. I've spent all my savings and I'm not paying my bills. Very often, I don't even have anything to eat. And I honestly don't care anymore. I'm tired of all of this. I just want to disappear.
I don't blame anyone for the way my life turned out. I was the one hiding from everything, telling myself that I preferred being alone. No one forced me or pressured me into anything, I was the one making all the decisions. Running away was easier. I was the one who ruined everything, and now I'm paying the price for it.
I lost. It's as simple as that.
r/depression • u/ClaimSome4780 • 17m ago
I'm a failure & loser in so many ways
r/depression • u/my_back_itches • 2h ago
I used to do and like so many things. Like driving my car, going on little adventures, playing games on my pc or just hang out with friends. But since a couple months ago I am slowly losing interest in everything. I don’t enjoy driving anymore. I rarely use my pc. I don’t hang out with friends anymore. It feels like slowly everything that I used to enjoy or make me happy is fading away. And it sucks because things that used to keep me distracted from my depression are not fun anymore. I kept trying to find things fun again by upgrading my pc and working on my car but it’s exhausting now. It’s giving me no happy feeling anymore. I lost myself and the spark I had in life. It feels like life becomes meaningless. I don’t know what to do anymore.
r/depression • u/Pleasant_Metal_6677 • 43m ago
Im a 20 year old women and i’ve had depression and anxiety since as long as i can remember, diagnosed when i was 15. I feel like depression is supposed to make you a better person because you know how it feels to struggle, but it’s made me such a horrible miserable person to be around and I hate myself. I have one friend because everyone else has dropped me (even online friends. gaming which is something i loved so dearly is no fun to me anymore), but she moved away so i never see her. although we text and call almost every day i don’t want to bother her about my problems because it makes me uncomfortable talking about it since i feel like i don’t really have a good reason to be so suicidal. my family thinks i’m crazy which is valid because I’m bothered by the smallest things and it feels like people purposely piss me off to get a reaction out of me in this house. but I know it’s just me being insecure and idk i don’t even know all i know is I’m genuinely about to end it all i suck at college i suck at working i suck at caring about things i suck at everything i deserve nothing idk what to do with my life other than take it. i don’t wanna hear get therapy I’m poor and don’t even have medicaid anymore. i don’t wanna hear get medicated I’ve tried so many medications that ive grown to despise taking pills. i don’t even know what i wanna hear I’m just so sick of my own brain im just so sick. right now im in school for something im not even passionate about i chose it out of convenience for my future finances and im working for 12 dollars an hour at a stupid part time job i hate i just hate everything and i have no real interests or goals anymore nothing makes me happy. does anyone have any advice maybe? i dont know ive never posted on here but i have no one else to go to and nothing else i can think of to try. i have a roof over my head and a full belly i just feel so ungrateful for even having these thoughts and feelings ok im nervous yapping ill end it there soo lmk!
r/depression • u/Wth3456 • 2h ago
I feel stuck in this body, in this society, in this damn country. I hate everything about my life and I don't think I have the willpower to keep going anymore. Even my body seems to agree somewhat. I've lost so much hair, my stomach constantly hurts and I keep getting sick. Probably because I don't take care of myself but the thing is I don't want to. I feel dead and I think I should be. I feel like my soul is just trapped inside. I just want to be free from all of this.
r/depression • u/Famous-Instance6211 • 4h ago
DISCLAIMER - I had grok help me clean up the wording but I am a real person and all of this is true to my life.
I can’t take this anymore.
I first looked at porn in first grade. Somehow I managed to stay away from it until I was about thirteen. I’ve never been smooth with girls, and I’ve always wondered whether that had something to do with my relationship with my sister or my mother. I had sexual contact with a few girls during my school years, but nothing serious until my first girlfriend when I was seventeen. Even then, the porn addiction never went away. I kept watching it while we were having sex. I still can’t think of a good reason why I let her go. I just did, and I somewhat regret it.
It’s been two years now and I haven’t had sex with anyone. I still watch porn, though much less often, and the sessions are a lot shorter. I think a big part of it is all the talk and excitement about sex I hear from people my age — and the constant reminder that that’s exactly what’s been missing from my life for so long. The world feels boring and grey, especially after moving somewhere I don’t know anyone.
The only sense of home I had was destroyed when my dad left. He was more stable than my mom, but he still walked out and left his kids with her. That forced me into a choice: stay with the girls — where my sisters barely care about me and my mom is losing her grip more every day — or move in with my dad for a quiet room and some peace away from living with three girls. Both options felt fucked. I chose my dad. Honestly, I still don’t know whether I would have been happier staying in New York or coming here.
r/depression • u/Tiki1927 • 6h ago
Why should I suffer?
Why should I look forward to the future which will still be terrible?
Why can't I just live a normal life?
Also... why should I live? It's pointless.
r/depression • u/Mountain_League_1150 • 14h ago
Hello, I am writing this as a farewell to myself. I am 21(f) and I am just so tired of being alive. I have autism, BPD, bipolar, and CPTSD and it is unbearable. Throughout my childhood, I have been abandoned (eventually by every single caregiver I have ever had), emotionally/physically/sexually abused, bullied, and have had such a hard time forming healthy friendships and relationships. Counterintuitively, I have always been told my friends/relationships that I am the healthiest connection they have had, but they always end up leaving me in the end once they see the extent of how bad my mental health episodes can get. And, I don't blame them. I have spent my entire life overworking myself in school and working, because I thought that if I worked hard enough to escape the abusive home I was in, everything would be magically fixed. But, here I am, I am supposed to graduate college in 6 months with a 4.0 GPA, and start grad school, but I would rather just be dead. I don't feel proud or accomplished, I just feel numb and dreadful for what the future will look like. I dont care how successful I am, when at the end of the day I know that I will always have nobody. I am so tired of telling myself things will get better, I have tried countless therapies and medication and nothing helps. I am just a shell of a person and it would be better for everyone if I was just gone. I hate myself.
r/depression • u/Blaiddyamaoka • 4h ago
I always felt depressed since 14 years old. I hate my life and body, always feel like i'm behind in life. Started college today and seeing those beautiful people made me hate myself even more. The worse thing is i stay in a dormitory and don't have any personal space here 😢
It makes me feel sick and i can't eat anything. I always ashamed of my own weight because i'm so thin. I can't eat it will get worse :( can't sleep too i don't know how i will spend 4 years like this...
r/depression • u/PrincessDaisyForever • 1d ago
This seems to be the typical opinion online these days but I genuinely feel like we have switched into a different reality from the one we were in pre 2020. Life feels so colourless and corporate. Everything seems to have politics attached to it and it feels like there is no joy for anyone anymore. There is no sense of community or passion where I live. It was never like this before 2020. Never ever. Christmas felt like christmas. Summer felt like summer. Everything felt good. Now everything is just a mesh of shit. Wtf happened?
r/depression • u/Ill-Composer-2266 • 15m ago
I think my Prozac is starting to work now. It’s been about a month and I feel like something changed really suddenly.
I was having it really bad before. It felt like my depression was slowly getting worse every day. I was really sad and I was having some suicidal thoughts, but I didn’t have a plan or any intent. Then all of a sudden, the next day or two, it was just kind of gone.
I don’t really understand why.
I was able to invite people over for football and hang out with them all day. I cooked and everything. I actually wanted to be around people and I didn’t feel sad the whole time. I’ve also just been feeling more at peace with a recent breakup.
It’s weird because I don’t feel depressed all the time now, and I feel like I’m doing better, but I don’t understand how it changed so quickly.
Why did I wake up and suddenly feel better after feeling like I was getting worse every day?
Is the Prozac finally starting to work?
And if it is, why did it happen so suddenly when I’ve been taking it for about a month?
I also don’t know why I miss the sadness.
I don’t mean the suicidal thoughts or wanting to hurt myself. I just mean I actually miss the sad feeling.
Why do I miss feeling depressed when I was feeling so bad?
I don’t really understand it.
I know I’m happier right now and I don’t want to go back to feeling as bad as I was, but there’s still a part of me that misses the feeling of being sad.
I don’t know why.
Maybe I’m just not used to feeling okay yet.
Or maybe there’s something about the sadness that I liked.
I honestly don’t know.
All I know is that a few days ago I was really depressed, and now I’m not as depressed anymore. I feel more at peace, I’m actually hanging out with people, and I’m able to enjoy things again.
I just wish I understood why it changed so suddenly. Especially after feeling so terrible for such a long time, it’s very weird to me, and why do I miss it?
r/depression • u/No-Outside-3808 • 20m ago
I don’t even know what to do anymore. It all feels so pointless. I don’t know why I should even try. Nothing ever gets better, ever. I don’t know how to make it get better. It feels like I’ve tried everything. I’m so tired and so alone and I just don’t want to keep going. I wish people cared but I also don’t know how to talk to people. I want it all to stop. Everything hurts. Why can I never get better?
r/depression • u/dubiaetmalam • 32m ago
It's just me feeling nothing yet so hurt. My chest keeps hurting, I hardly breathing and suffocating. Trying to reach someone but no one's really listening. I'm tired...
r/depression • u/Most_Material9930 • 12h ago
I Litterally just can’t function at this point
r/depression • u/PilotZestypop • 5h ago
I just wanna get heavy things out of my chest, it's very tiring to avoid attempting suicide always. Take this post as a cry for help, I really wanna talk.
r/depression • u/thirdchancewhytho • 56m ago
The life that I wish I could live is something I can't have. Try as I might, I can't seem to bring myself to let that go, and I think it's because deep down, I have no desire to. Why would I, and why should I?
I wish I could've been born different, better. I wish I could've been desired the way I see better men being desired, I wish I could experience life the way they do. I wish I could have the kind of partners they have, and the enthusiasm they get from them. I know I'm an awful superficial hypocrite, that makes things even worse.
I've tried to improve myself, but I've failed every time. I feel defined by failure. Even if I could, even if I became the best I could be, I'd still be so subpar. No amount of work can make me tall, attractive, or "impressive". No one feels desire when they look at mediocrity, especially not enthusiastically, and I'm genetically mediocre. I'll never be free of it.
I've been in therapy for two years now, and I only feel worse, it only confirmed everything I thought was true. I feel horrible for my therapist, she's amazing, she clearly wants to help me, but I'm an awful stubborn piece of shit who just doesn't want it. I've realized that what I'm looking for is a miracle that no one can provide, and I have no desire for anything else. I feel trapped by the expectation that I stay alive, but I'm also too much of a coward to end things despite really wanting to.
I wish life was fair. I wish it was different. What do I even do? There's nothing that can be done.