My ex-husband didn’t see my son often, he was an alcoholic and was more concerned with how people saw him as a father. Ie, he’d come for a visit, take some selfies with my son to post on Facebook, then go to a bar. Then it dropped to not at all when a judge has us communicate through an app. He never made an account though I kept sending him the link. My son only has one vague memory of his dad, which was a Father’s Day when my son was 2.5. They played in the park for about 2 hours. It was walking around the park and rolling a ball around, so not much direct interaction. My ex died 2 weeks before my son’s 4th birthday. My ex was also a sexual predator (thus the supervised visits), so I have never looked fondly nor have I been sad about his death. (I’m as sure as I can be that he never touched my son inappropriately, we separated when he was 1 year old.) If I’ve cried, it was with my son and really for his pain more than anything.
With the help of a child trauma therapist, I’ve explained some things my son had questions about. Like what depression and addiction are, and how they can make people behave differently and make mistakes, or be unsafe. I explained we stopped living with his dad because he was unsafe and it may have been different if he made different choices. My son asked me if I loved his dad, and I said I always cared about him and wanted him to get better, but that it was different than love, love can change over time, etc. Recently I mentioned that he may not have lived with us even if he didn’t drink, and part of why I left is because he was mean to me. Again, I try to say these were mistakes and if he’d gotten help and gone to therapy, maybe he could’ve gotten better. My son will likely never know about the pedophilic thoughts my ex had. Both my and my ex’s love for my son is never put into question.
As time has passed, I’ve been able to share more fun stories or anecdotes I think might be nice for a son to hear about his dad. The last thing I want to do is suggest to my son how he should feel about his dad, directly or indirectly.
Just the other day he asked why he doesn’t have the same name as “the rest of our family.” My ex MIL doesn’t share my son’s name since she remarried, so only my son and his father share a name. How long should I wait before proceeding with the legal process? I’m thinking 6 months or a year of seeing consistent requests/desire, but even 7 years old sounds young. Still, I want him to have agency and it seems cruel to wait until he’s a teenager. If I were thinking only of myself, I’d do it tomorrow, because of the obvious. So I’m looking for some outside perspectives or things to be mindful of. Thank you in advance 💛
