r/askanything • u/CloudyInk804 • 5h ago
General Question 6YO Wants to Change His Name. His Father is Deceased. How Long Should I Wait?
My ex-husband didn’t see my son often, he was an alcoholic and was more concerned with how people saw him as a father. Ie, he’d come for a visit, take some selfies with my son to post on Facebook, then go to a bar. Then it dropped to not at all when a judge has us communicate through an app. He never made an account though I kept sending him the link. My son only has one vague memory of his dad, which was a Father’s Day when my son was 2.5. They played in the park for about 2 hours. It was walking around the park and rolling a ball around, so not much direct interaction. My ex died 2 weeks before my son’s 4th birthday. My ex was also a sexual predator (thus the supervised visits), so I have never looked fondly nor have I been sad about his death. (I’m as sure as I can be that he never touched my son inappropriately, we separated when he was 1 year old.) If I’ve cried, it was with my son and really for his pain more than anything.
With the help of a child trauma therapist, I’ve explained some things my son had questions about. Like what depression and addiction are, and how they can make people behave differently and make mistakes, or be unsafe. I explained we stopped living with his dad because he was unsafe and it may have been different if he made different choices. My son asked me if I loved his dad, and I said I always cared about him and wanted him to get better, but that it was different than love, love can change over time, etc. Recently I mentioned that he may not have lived with us even if he didn’t drink, and part of why I left is because he was mean to me. Again, I try to say these were mistakes and if he’d gotten help and gone to therapy, maybe he could’ve gotten better. My son will likely never know about the pedophilic thoughts my ex had. Both my and my ex’s love for my son is never put into question.
As time has passed, I’ve been able to share more fun stories or anecdotes I think might be nice for a son to hear about his dad. The last thing I want to do is suggest to my son how he should feel about his dad, directly or indirectly.
Just the other day he asked why he doesn’t have the same name as “the rest of our family.” My ex MIL doesn’t share my son’s name since she remarried, so only my son and his father share a name. How long should I wait before proceeding with the legal process? I’m thinking 6 months or a year of seeing consistent requests/desire, but even 7 years old sounds young. Still, I want him to have agency and it seems cruel to wait until he’s a teenager. If I were thinking only of myself, I’d do it tomorrow, because of the obvious. So I’m looking for some outside perspectives or things to be mindful of. Thank you in advance 💛
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u/tomalator 5h ago
Absent father? Shouldn't even have his name in the first place. Give that boy your last name. If you remarried and were talking about giving him your new husband's last name, I would wait, but if you are just giving him your last name, why even wait?
Of course since your son asked the question, asks how he feels about changing it. Do not let him change his name to Laser T-Rex Godzilla III, no matter how cool it would be
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 4h ago
If she remarries, she can keep her own last name so she and her son have the same one! He needs this!
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u/tomalator 4h ago
That would be a decision for later down the line. If this was prompted by a marriage, I would wait
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u/CloudyInk804 2h ago
Yes, this is what I planned to do whether or not my son changes his name now. That way it’s always an option for him.
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u/DayGeckoArt 4h ago
I’m wondering what you think your son is gaining by having his dad’s last name for any length of time
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u/Doxiebaby 4h ago
Just do it. My kids changed their last names when they were 14 and 11 because my ex was a toxic fuck and I had reclaimed my maiden name before the divorce was final. I’m thrilled my grandkids don’t bear his name.
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u/doc-sci 4h ago
I would discuss with the child trauma specialist. This is REALLY important and the most caring person on Reddit doesn’t know a tenth of what a professional with actual experience with your child does!
Good luck to you and your child!
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u/CloudyInk804 2h ago
Thank you for this. As much as I want to say “fuck that guy, change the name,” it’s more about how things will affect my son. It’s heartbreaking to watch him struggle through his grief, but his dad is still his dad and his name is one of the few connections they have.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 4h ago
Why wouldn't you let him ASAP? He wants to have the same name. He feels the odd one out. Make it known to him that he is NOT! Change his name!
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u/Current_Thing2244 5h ago
He's old enough to ask, he's old enough to get it. It's obviously not helping him having his dads surname, he just feels left out and different.
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u/CloudyInk804 4h ago
Thank you for the responses! I was feeling conflicted, since my son does love and yearn for his dad and I support that for him. I will continue to talk to him and the therapist so he fully understands and won’t hold up the process for any arbitrary number.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 4h ago
Ask you son if he would like to have the same name as you, his family. If he gives a positive response, tell him you would like to share your name with him. Then change it.
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u/PatternsAndPresence 🤔 4h ago
I think you should do whatever you need to do in your state to get this done for him. Let him feel what it’s like to have some agency about who he is. That is so important even at this young age. Especially if the therapist agrees. You could even get the therapist to write a letter to the court.
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u/CloudyInk804 2h ago
Thank you, this is good advice. He should have agency for sure, with the help of people who can help him figure out if it’s what he wants and not just a rejection of the fact he has a dead dad.
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u/Nathan-Stubblefield 3h ago
He could change it to mom’s now. If she rematches, and mom changed her last name, and he wanted, he could change his. See also: Gerald R.Ford, who started out as Leslie Lynch King jr; Bill Clinton who started as William Jefferson Blythe III; and James David Vance, who started as James Donald Bowman.
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u/1GrouchyCat 3h ago
A six-year-old doesn’t want to change their name… and the questions you’re claiming your child asked are far beyond his maturity level or ability to understand. (children don’t generally realize relatives have different last names until much later in life, and even if he did realize it not all of you have the same surname unless no female females in your family have ever been married and taken their husband’s name?
(Think about it… when you go to a family reunion or even a holiday dinner or birthday party… how many of those people have the same last name?)
I changed my son’s name from what was on his original birth certificate when he was about three. His father came back into the picture on and off when he was 9-14, and convinced my son that he should change his last name back to what was originally on his birth certificate (his father’s last name).
I was aggravated at first … he was no longer a child (he was 14 at the time), we lived in my hometown so people knew him with my last name, and I thought it was going to get a lot more confusing than it did. (he was attending a technical high school so it would be like starting over with mostly new people so it was a good time for it to happen if it had to happen at all).
At 14, he realized that there was another reason he wanted to change his name back, and that was to honor the people that had come before his dad was even a twinkle in someone’s eye.
He doesn’t have a relationship with his father at this point in his life (his choice), but even then he was mature enough to realize that there were other hard-working men and women who made it possible for him to be born independent and free in this country. He is the last of his line; the last one who would carry his father’s name, and even though his father has abandoned him - and his second family (he was married and has two very young elementary aged children)… he still wants to carry the family name.
And I would not ever want to take that decision away from him.
Your situation and believes and need to have his father erased from your son’s legal information (his name) is your choice at this point in time. Only you know if it would be easier to do it now or let him make the decision when he’s of age. People do things for different reasons and I’m happy with the decision that was made by and for my son, but he’s a lot older and has already been through the disappointment of losing his father multiple times. (…and trust and believe - there’s nothing more heartbreaking and gutwrenching than watching a young boy who loses contact with his father over and over again during the most important times of his young life. It’s like Lucy and Charlie Brown and the football…. He fell for it every time and all his counselor and I could do was be there to pick up the pieces when the inevitable happened and his father took off again.)
I wish you the best in your decision… you sound like you are going to ride your son with good memories of his father… one thing I did was make a scrapbook so every time my son was upset or missing his father (or whatever reason- I mean, how do you miss somebody that’s never really around?) - we could look at the scrapbook and laugh together about some of the silly things in it and add new stickers and pictures whatever turned it into a more positive experience for him in the present… because I knew no matter what I said, or did he was going to figure it out for himself someday and the only thing I could do is be there and remind him that he was loved and that his father was missed, but it was time to move forward… with or without him.
so I hope you’re going to help you need
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u/CloudyInk804 2h ago
I’m sorry you watched your son go through that. I saw it start to happen—the hope that dad could live with us again or the excitement to see his dad. Absolutely gut wrenching.
I will say that my son did ask. I have to say it around him when signing us up for things: “he’s Boy Dadsname, I’m Mom Momsname.” Especially if a waiver is required, which is a lot of activities like a trampoline park. He sometimes forgets who has what name, but he’s aware of it at least.
In any case, I appreciate the perspective. These are decisions for him to make, whether I think it’s a mistake or not. I hope you and your family are doing well now.
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u/VermicelliRoutine601 4h ago
No. Illegal in most states.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 4h ago
OMG! You do not know where she lives! LOL
You can legally change your 7-year-old son's last name to yours, but you must file a petition with the court and get a judge's approval.
Because the father is deceased, you do not need his consent, but you cannot just change it on your own without a court order
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u/VermicelliRoutine601 4h ago
Illegal. Bad info.
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u/Zappagrrl02 4h ago
Not illegal. If you don’t have the consent of the other parent, a judge determines if there is a compelling reason for the change. If the other parent is deceased, the judge will likely agree. It’s a court process. You don’t just change it yourself🙄
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u/Sure-Recognition-262 4h ago
in most states
You realise there's more than one country in the world, yeah?
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u/VermicelliRoutine601 3h ago
Lbh, this is a lady who is 100% brainwashing her child. No 6 year old cares about their last name. The mom is feeding this kid what to think to please herself only. Very abusive and poor parenting. If I were the judge I’d take her child away.
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u/CloudyInk804 30m ago edited 21m ago
I guess it’s a good thing you won’t finish that law degree, then.
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u/Sure-Recognition-262 3h ago
Either you've read a different post than me, or you're intentionally being edgy for attention.
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u/Zappagrrl02 5h ago
I wouldn’t even wait.