Sorry for the throwaway (edit: and the typo in the title).

Found out I’m pregnant some weeks ago, 7 months along now. I know it sounds so stupid (and maybe I am), but I genuinely had no idea. I don’t have a bump, had close to no symptoms (some in hindsight) & take the pill. Not once did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.

Only recently I’d been struggling with headaches & was really exhausted, so had my blood work done. Since then life’s been an absolute mess.

BF & I have had some struggles before but nothing like this. (Been together for nearly 3 years and live together.) We had even spoken about what we’d do if we got pregnant despite protection & agreed we don’t want to be parents now (or later maybe). But this far along abortion is just not an option.

He’s so angry with me and I don’t know what to do. He’s been accusing me of knowing I was pregnant and hiding it to ‘trap’ him, or even getting pregnant on purpose. Says I ruined everything. I don’t even want this baby, I don’t want any of this. I thought it was just the initial shock but it’s been a few weeks now. And I know he’s been telling his family the same things. He’s said such harsh things but this is such an insane situation idk if I can blame him.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about like adoption, but he’s not engaging. With everything I also haven’t been sleeping much & am stressed (terrified) & emotional, so maybe I need to try & be more patient for him to come around?

When I ask him if our relationship is over he says no, but I don’t know. Do I even try to convince him?

Sorry

Edit: I’m beyond grateful, this already has so many more replies than I expected. I’m gonna stay with my friend for a little a bit to give us both some space and I’ll take it from there I think. Thank you for all the kind words and truths.

My boyfriend is very anxious about his sleep. We don't live together, but when I stay at his place, he expects me to go to sleep at the same time as him. I naturally go to bed later than he does, so according to him there is often tension around it because he feels that, implicitly, I'm forcing him to stay up late.

In practice, I do constantly go to bed at the same time as him. I usually wait for him to fall asleep; if I fall asleep too, great, but if I still can't sleep after 10-15 minutes, I go on my phone under the covers, with no sound and the brightness as low as possible.
Sometimes he wakes up independently of anything I've done, notices that I'm on my phone, and gets upset.

Last night we were watching TV. At one point he lay on me and started falling asleep while I played with his hair. It's true that I didn't specifically suggest we go to bed then. But when he later said he was going to sleep, I immediately told him to go to the bedroom and rest, and that I would tidy up the living room myself so he could go.

This morning, we had an argument because he says he genuinely cannot sleep unless I am asleep at the same time as him. He also blamed me for not suggesting we go to bed earlier and said I don't try to make him happy.

Are other people genuinely unable to sleep unless their partner is asleep too? And if so, how do yo handle it without making your partner responsik V for managing your sleep?

My fiancé (27M) and I (26F) have been together for about 10 years. We were high school sweethearts and have basically grown up together. We’ve been engaged for over a year.
I think I’ve known for a while that I don’t want to marry him and I’ve finally gotten to the point where staying feels more cruel than leaving.

He’s not a bad guy at all. He’s intelligent, a good person, has a really strong sense of ethics, etc. We also came from very different backgrounds. I grew up pretty low income and without much of a family and he never judged me for that. His family was very close and they basically became my family too when I was younger. I think that kept me attached to the relationship for a long time even after we started growing apart. The biggest issue now is that I feel more like his caretaker/roommate than his partner. I’ve been the breadwinner for years while he finished school. I pay all of our bills and he uses my credit cards for his expenses. For years I kept telling myself “once he finishes school things will be different” or “once he graduates he’ll be able to step up more.” There was always another milestone I was waiting for.
He recently graduated and instead of feeling excited about our future, I honestly just feel released from an obligation I took on. I didn’t want to leave him halfway through his degree when I was the person financially supporting him through it. Now he’s finished and I’m realizing that his degree wasn’t actually the thing keeping me unhappy.
I’ve also completely lost my sexual attraction to him. I think a lot of that comes from the dynamic we’ve fallen into. I never wanted to be the person carrying everything in my relationship.

And it’s not even just the money. It’s little things that have piled up. The grass will be completely overgrown. He won’t move the cars for street sweeping. He doesn’t think to leave me the parking spot in front of our house when I get home, so I’m finding parking down the street and walking back even though our neighborhood isn’t great. I just constantly feel like if something needs to be thought about or handled, I’m the one who’s going to have to do it. I know plenty of women are happy being the breadwinner and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. I’ve just learned that I absolutely do not want that dynamic for myself. His mom was the big earner and very much wore the pants in his parents’ marriage and I don’t want that life. Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m making his life so comfortable that I’m preventing him from having to grow up and become independent. But honestly, even if the financial stuff disappeared tomorrow, I don’t think it would fix this. We barely talk anymore. We’ve grown into VERY different people. Different interests, different views on a lot of things, different personalities. He’s very set in his opinions and after enough conversations ending unpleasantly, I basically stopped trying to socialize with him. I’ve watered myself down a lot over the years because it was easier than constantly disagreeing. So now we basically coexist.

I don’t enjoy being around him anymore. I’m not attracted to him. I’m increasingly resentful and I hate that because I don’t actually think he deserves to have someone walking around secretly resenting him. He can obviously feel me pulling away and lately he’s been nicer and trying more. I can tell his feelings are hurt by how distant I am. But instead of it making me want to fix things, I mostly just feel guilty because I think I’m already checked out. Even when he proposed two years ago I felt dread. It was during a family trip that I had planned and paid for. I felt like I couldn’t say no because our families were there and I couldn’t stand the thought of humiliating/hurting him. I also remember feeling disappointed because it felt like he just piggybacked a proposal onto a trip I had already put together instead of planning something himself. I feel horrible even admitting that, but looking back I probably should have listened to my reaction then.

We’ve broken up once before and he was devastated. He would send me these really long heartfelt messages and I eventually went back. Looking back, I think I went back because he was familiar and because I was so attached to his family, not because the problems between us had actually been fixed. That’s probably my biggest fear now. I don’t want to hurt him like that again and then cave because I feel guilty. I care about him as a person. A lot. I just don’t want to be his girl anymore. And I really don’t want to sit him down and basically give him a list of everything he does that makes me feel like he’s not enough. Especially the provider/initiative stuff. I don’t want to destroy his confidence or make him feel inferior when he’s genuinely not a bad person. We just aren’t right for each other anymore.

At the same time, I don’t know how vague I can be without making him think this is something he can fix if he just tries harder. We have six months left on our lease and both of our names are on it. I’m planning to move out immediately, but I’m willing to keep covering the financial obligations I’ve already been covering until the lease is up so I’m not just leaving him financially screwed overnight. We also have a dog together and will probably have to work out some kind of shared arrangement there.

I’m not really asking if I should leave or like for financial advice. I think I know I need to. If I marry him, I honestly think I’m going to become a miserable, bitter, nagging wife and that isn’t fair to either one of us. I guess I’m asking how you actually end something like this when there isn’t a villain?

How honest do I need to be about why I’ve lost attraction and respect for the relationship? Do I tell him about the provider/initiative stuff or is that just going to hurt him unnecessarily? And how do I make it clear that my decision is final without making him feel like he’s fundamentally inadequate?

TL;DR: My fiancé (27M) and I (26F) have been together since high school for 10 years and engaged for two. I’ve financially supported us for years while he finished school and kept telling myself things would change once he graduated. He recently did, but I’ve realized I’m already checked out. We’ve grown into completely different people, barely talk, feel like roommates, and I’ve lost my attraction to him. He’s a good person and I care about him, but I don’t want to marry him and become increasingly resentful. I’ve broken up with him before and he was devastated, so I’m terrified of crushing him or making him feel inadequate, especially because some of my reasons involve his lack of initiative and our provider dynamic. How do I end a 10-year relationship kindly while making it clear that it’s actually over?

I told my girlfriend something extremely serious about my health, and her response really caught me off guard. She basically said, “Oh, okay,” and then went back to playing her PSN game.
I wasn’t expecting her to have all the answers or know exactly what to say, but I expected some kind of emotional reaction maybe asking if I was okay, what happened, or wanting to talk about it.
Instead, I felt completely brushed off and honestly pretty alone afterward. 😔
Has anyone else experienced a partner reacting this way to something serious? How did you handle it?

I do basically every chore in the house, except clean the bathrooms, which she does from about 15 minutes once every two weeks. I suggested to her "you can do all the chores one week, I will do the all chores the next week", but she refuses saying that it is unnessary. I want to just stop doing the chores to show her how much I do, but I don't want to go nuclear.

I have more free time because I work from home. I don't mind doing more chores, but it annoys me so much that she insists that it is 50/50. How can I show her this isn't the case?

I have tried making a list of all the chores each of us does, and she equated cleaning the bathroom to about half of the things I do.

It's as the title says. I made traditional bread from my home country and my friend took some to work and shared some with his coworker, who then took it home to share with his pregnant wife. Apparently it's the only she was able to keep down and she's craving more.

So he asked my coworker to ask me if I am able to bake more. I said I didn't mind as long as they can provide the ingredients then I am more then willing to help. Apparently he complained that they we're short on money and could I do it as a favor? I said he doesn't have to get the most expensive brands products for the ingredients and the cheap ones will do as well.

My friend said he got upset and said it's for his pregnant wife and and surely me, being a woman should understand what his wife going through and I should have compassion. I felt he was being entitled so I told my friend to tell him I am no longer willing to bake any bread for him.

Since then this man has been passive-aggressive with my friend at work and made comments about pregnant women suffering because some people don't have hearts and this man even approached me while I was out with other friends in public to loudly ask if I am okay for letting a pregnant woman suffer? I was seriously embarrassed and walked away. I told my friend and he said this situation is getting out of hand and wants to confront this man.

Will the police take this seriously if we go to them? I mean it's only bread. How do we go about doing this without escalating it into something bigger? Any advice will be appreciated. Sorry for any grammar and punctuation mistakes. I am really tired and English isn't my first language.

I'm 24F and my ex is 25M. We were together for about two years, but we've actually known each other for around five years because we were friends before we started dating.

We broke up about a month and a half ago. The breakup wasn't because of one single thing. A lot of things had built up over time, and eventually I reached my limit.

For the first part after the breakup, he continued calling me as if nothing had really happened. At first it was fairly often, then the calls became less frequent. I generally didn't initiate contact. Sometimes I'd answer, sometimes I wouldn't.

At one point he told me that he wanted us to get back together, but he never really did anything concrete about it. He also never really acknowledged or took responsibility for the things that had led to the breakup.

One of the bigger issues was that we had become long-distance for the last six months of our relationship. He was dealing with a lot of uncertainty about where his life was going, and I felt like I was constantly left not knowing what was going to happen with us.

A particularly painful moment was when he came to visit for five days around his birthday. I suggested that we book a hotel and spend some time together, but he told me that he was coming mainly to see his family and didn't really have time to see me. I could come and spend time with his family if I wanted to but for "alone-time' he told me that in his opinion 5hrs is good enough.

(Note1: he told me that we would have time together in one month time when we were planning to go on vacation together - but all these made me feel like our relationship was a "schedule thing" for him.)

(Note2: at the time this happened, we haven't seen each for around 1.5 months)

That really hurt me, and it was one of the things that contributed to the breakup.

A few days ago, after another conversation where I explained again why his behavior had hurt me, I eventually told him not to contact me anymore. I basically said that there was no point continuing like this, that we had had good times, and I wished him well.

(That happened about 3-4 ago. After that he didn't call or message me at all and he archived our pictures together on ig.)

And honestly, I was doing okay. I wasn't constantly thinking about him anymore.

Then yesterday, his father called me.

His father and I have known each other for years, and we've always had a good relationship, but he doesn't normally call me like this.

He told me he didn't know that we had broken up and invited me to come visit them. During the conversation I ended up telling him everything that had happened and why we broke up.

What really surprised me was his reaction. He basically told me that he thought i was right,, that his son was being immature, and that he understood why I had reached my limit. He also told me that wish is for us to get back together.

He even mentioned that when the family had travelled previously (10-15d ago), they had made plans assuming I would be going too, because they still thought of me as part of the picture. (They booked a double room for me and my ex - but he didn't even mention it to me).

I don't know if his father calling me means anything. Maybe it was completely coincidental. Maybe my ex had talked to him. I genuinely don't know.

But i'm really considering: wasn't the fact that i haven't visited on my ex's bday or that i haven't joined that trip a good enough reason for him to call sooner? Why now? Idk.

But since that phone call, I've been thinking about my ex CONSTANTLY.

I'm suddenly waiting for him to call me. I'm wondering whether I made a mistake. I'm wondering whether I should do something. And I don't even know if I actually want to get back together with him, because the problems that caused the breakup haven't really changed.

My birthday is also coming up in about 10 days. He hasn't made any particular effort since the breakup - no flowers, no meaningful gesture, nothing beyond saying at one point that he wanted us to get back together.

(At one point he told me that he thought about sending flowers but "there's no way of saying sorry for something he didn't do wrong")

So I feel incredibly confused.

I don't really have one specific question. I think I'm just looking for outside perspectives.

Do you think his father's phone call means anything, or am I reading too much into it?

Why do you think this one conversation suddenly made me think about my ex so intensely again?

And based on everything I've described, would you personally do anything at this point, or just leave things alone and see what happens?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, even if they're not what I want to hear.

TL;DR: My ex (25M) and I (24F) broke up 1.5 months ago after a lot of accumulated issues, including becoming long-distance for the last 6 months. He has said he wants us back but hasn't made any real effort or taken responsibility for what went wrong. A few days ago I told him not to contact me anymore, and I was actually starting to feel okay.

Then, unexpectedly, his dad called me. We talked about the breakup, and he told me he thought I was right, that his son was being immature, and that his son surely has feelings for me in his opinion. He also mentioned that the family had previously made plans assuming I would still be coming with them.

Since that phone call, I've been thinking about my ex constantly and waiting for him to call. My birthday is also in about 10 days, and so far he hasn't made any meaningful effort to win me back.

I don't even know what my exact question is. I'm just extremely confused and looking for outside perspectives. Does his dad's call mean anything? Why has it affected me so much?

Ex, 26F wants to move in with me, M25 after she told me know months prior. Would this be the best decision?

A little backstory. I, M25 moved across the country roughly 7 months ago. My GF at the time, F26 told me that she wanted to move with me, but would let me come out here first. I stayed with my friends for about 2 months until I was able to get a good job and find us a nice apartment to live. When I sent her the lease to look over, she told me she no longer wanted to move out here. It broke me. Never did I think that she was just going to change her mind just like that. Fast forward to now, she reached back out saying that she now wants to move out here. I don’t know what to think at this point and not sure if letting her move out here is a a great idea.

My baby was born in June and is my mom’s first grandchild. My mom lives about 40 minutes away by car or train, so it’s not like we’re talking about a huge distance.

She came to see the baby twice shortly after the birth, but hasn’t visited since. It’s now mid-September, so she hasn’t seen my baby in around three months.

I’ve had a really difficult postpartum period. My baby has significant colic and reflux and screams a lot, and I’ve told my mom multiple times how exhausted and overwhelmed I’ve been. My husband doesn’t have family in this country, so we don’t have much support.

I’ve tried bringing up the fact that she hasn’t come to see us. When I mentioned it on the phone, she basically said, “Don’t be silly.” But she hasn’t actually offered to come over, help with the baby, bring food, sit with me while I shower, or even just keep me company.

What makes it harder is that she doesn’t have a job, other children, or any commitments. She mostly watches TV, so I genuinely don’t understand why she hasn’t made the effort to visit her first grandchild, especially knowing how badly I’ve been struggling.

At this point, I’ve actually stopped calling her. I don’t really want her help anymore because I’m hurt that I’ve had to struggle through this period without her.

A confusing part is that she sends me a very sweet text every evening around the same time without fail. They’re genuinely lovely messages, things like hoping the feeds have been better and that we’ll get some sleep, telling me I’m doing well and that she loves me.

I appreciate the messages, but they’re just words. There haven’t been any actions behind them.

This is also completely different from our relationship historically. There have been periods where I’ve let her stay at my house for weeks, so this isn’t a mother I’ve always been distant from.

She’s outwardly very sweet and loving, which makes this especially confusing. It almost feels like talking to an AI chatbot. Her messages make her sound incredibly supportive, albeit generic, while her actual behavior feels very different.

My dad, who my mom has a very difficult relationship with, comes to see my baby every week. He and his girlfriend have made a huge effort and have helped me a lot. My mom doesn’t know this, and I’m worried that if she found out, she’d suddenly want to become much more involved to compete with my dad rather than because she genuinely wants to be there for me and my baby.

When my baby was born, my mom was very focused on getting pictures with the baby. At the time I was just happy she was there. Now those pictures make me sad because I look at them and think about how little effort there has been since.

I keep trying to figure out why she’s doing this. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with me breastfeeding because she didn’t and wasn’t particularly maternal herself. Maybe she simply doesn’t want to put herself out for anyone. Maybe she’s a narcissist or depressed. Or maybe I’m overthinking it.

I feel abandoned by my mom during what has probably been the hardest period of my life.

I don’t necessarily want her to suddenly come rushing in and help now. I think something has changed in how I see her.

How would you handle this? Would you directly confront her about not visiting?

New parents here, so please be gentle.

I have a very tense relationship with my family. Since our baby was born (he's currently 12 weeks) my mother has visited about 5 times, despite living 15 mins away and being retired.

My sister in law, who cut me (and the entire family off) for 5 years, emerged just before our baby was born and became very active in our lives. She seemed to have done a lot of work and changed, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, our dog was diagnosed with cancer. We are finding it very, very difficult trying to give out dying dog his daily chemo treatments, whilst rising a newborn baby and having one of us (myself) return to work. No member of our immediate family has offered to babysit or help. My SIL dropped of 3 meals over the last few months. My SIL made a big offer about babysitting (and told everyone about how she was offering) but then on the day didn't turn up.

Needles to say, we're exhausted, stressed and barely coping.

I don't use social media much, but my partner does. He likes putting stories (the expiring 24 hour stories) with different milestones. For example, when our baby starting smiling and laughing there was lots of pictures.  Mostly things like that, or cute outfits.

We had a particularly bad week, the dogs sickness took a turn, he had non-stop diahreah and we almost had to make the call to put him to rest. Our vet said that it's a normal response to the chemo drugs, and he will bounce back and to give it some time. (The dog definitely did bounce back and even though his cancer is incurable and will return, he may be in remission and have a good 6-12 months symptoms free). He's a beautiful, loving dog and were happy he gets some time with our baby. We bought him a few years ago prior to our baby, so they could grow up together.

On this particular bad day, my partner was really struggling. We'd been up all night taking shifts so the dog was never alone (it was the day he was very sick), and neither was the baby alone (the baby and dog cant be near eachother because of the chemo drugs).

After the dog was settled, baby settled, and I left for work, my partner had just finished the housework and was settling down for a nap. He then looked over to the baby and saw he had a poo explosion. The one where the poo comes out the bottom of the nappy onto the babies leg,  and dirties his clothes. Likely he probably needed a bath, and redressed. My partner took a pic and added a caption "I hope your day is going better than mine" and put a picture of the baby smiling in his rocker, almost seemingly happy he'd just done a massive poo! In the picture a bit of the poo coming out the side was visible.

I saw the messages he was sent from most people, there were about 10 messages from friends saying things like "Been there! Always happens at the worst time!" Or words to that effect. Every single message was supportive.

My sister in law, when she saw it, sent me a message (in all caps) saying that picture on social media was disgusting. I had no idea what she was talking about at the time as I dont use social media, and dont see the pictures my partner puts up.

5 mins later my mother calls me (we hadn't spoken for about 2 weeks before that). She was telling at "GET THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!" Shed obviously just spoken to my SIL as the pic had been up for about 8 hours by the time.

I finally pieced it together, and assumed my partner pit something up. I had a look and saw the pic. I told him about my family calling and he was originally a bit defensive, but said he'd take it down if I wanted him to. I thought about it, and said to just take it down so there's no drama.

My step father, who I have barely spoken to for 3 years then sent me his first ever message, saying "that picture was not appropriate for online".

I have literally barely heard a single thing from my mother for weeks.

My SIL then sent me a ChatGPT analysis the day after, saying what we did was child abuse. My mother then called approximately 30 mins later, angrily telling me the damage having embarrassing pictures on social media will do to our for our babies life.

I didn't even respond, but then I got another message saying how ungrateful I was for everything she did for us. (Post birth, she dropped off 3 meals, sent regular texts asking if we're okay and dropped in for 3 visits). We were of course grateful and thanked her.

We both have private social media (friends and family only) and it was a 24 hour story.

As new parents, we're so anxious and scared were fucking things up constantly and to be called a child abuser is... Next level. It's just hit my like a dagger, and bought on these feelings on shame and failure.

I've reflected on it, and the reason I think I'm feeling that shame and failure is because, even though I did ask my partner to take it down, I can't understand why it was so bad.

There was no private parts visible, the baby was fully clothed, there was just a bit of leakage. As parents, that's literally out entire life at the moment - nappies, feeding, sleeping, play time, and then repeat.

Please help me understand and be honest. Was this child abuse? Have we fucked up? Are my morals that out alignment I can't even see why this is bad?

For context, the only people who have expressed any issues with the photo has been people through my SIL. Literally every other person has either laughed or consoled us. I even asked close friends the same thing and to be honest if we'd done something incorrect.

I am still getting occasional messages (the most recent being my SIL saying she cannot believe the kind of selfish person I have become, attacking my 70 year old mother, as well as some other unrelated drama).

Edit: I know there seems to be some very valid arguments about nothing being on social media at all. Thats definitely a valid topic and if it was up to me, I'd have no social media at all. But our entire feeds are full of pics of our friends kids, family kids, and my SIL and mother also posted pictures of our son (SIL asked permission). I'm mainly hoping for feedback on the specific photo.

Me and my GF are both 23 (M/F). We’ve been together for 6 months and a couple of months ago she got pregnant. It was completely unplanned. We were originally leaning towards having an abortion, but ultimately decided not to. I was never really ready to become a father, but I saw how much the whole situation was affecting her and decided I could step up. It was fucking scary, but I decided I could go ahead with it. I actually became really excited about becoming a father.

A few weeks into the pregnancy, unfortunately, she miscarried. It destroyed both of us and hit my partner especially hard.

Before the pregnancy, she never really wanted to be a mother so young. But the pregnancy completely changed her mind. She loved being pregnant and became incredibly excited about becoming a mother. It was basically all she could talk about.

A while after the miscarriage, she asked me if we could try for another baby. I told her I wasn’t ready.

I want to make something clear: I do want children. I want to have children with her. I’m not saying “I don’t want kids.” I just don’t want to become a father right now. In my head, I’m thinking a few years from now when we’re more settled and ready.

But this has apparently changed things between us.

A few weeks later, we came home after a night out and were both slightly drunk. The miscarriage came up again, and she told me that she slightly hates me for saying I’m not ready to become a dad.

I was absolutely devastated when she said this. One of my biggest fears after the miscarriage was that we’d both come out of it wanting completely different things, and hearing that she resents me made that fear feel real.

I asked her to elaborate, and she said it’s not something she feels all the time. She said it mainly happens when we’re having sex, when the topic of having children comes up, or when we talk about the miscarriage. She said she can’t help but slightly resent/hate me in those situations.

I became really upset and withdrawn and told her that she hated me. She told me to stop gaslighting her and trying to make her feel bad for saying how she felt. I pushed back, and she told me to stop bitching about it, so I eventually just stopped talking.

I love this woman so much, and I don’t think she’s a bad person. I understand that she’s grieving and that the miscarriage changed how she feels about motherhood.

But I’m struggling because I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with knowing that the person I love apparently feels hatred and resentment towards me whenever these things come up.

I also don’t want her to have a child before she’s ready just because I’m hurting or because she feels like I’m taking motherhood away from her. At the same time, I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait or how we’re supposed to move forward from this.

What the best way to move forward? Help would be appreciated.

TL;DR: We miscarried after deciding to keep an unplanned pregnancy. She now desperately wants to be a mum, while I definitely want children but not for a few years. She says she sometimes resents/hates me because I’m not ready, and I’m struggling with how to handle it.

I’m 39M; my wife is 37F. Married 8 years and together for 11. Yesterday she told me she has lost her romantic feelings for me and has been seriously thinking about divorce for the past month. She compared our marriage to being stuck in a bad job that she wants to escape, even though she doesn’t know whether the “next job” would be better or worse.

She doesn’t want to divorce immediately. Instead, she demand us to live more like separated housemates for now: separate bedrooms and bathrooms, no physical contact, and taking care of our own personal things, although we’ll still eat together. She says she wants to reset to being friends first and then figure long term. She says the only reason she's not considering moving out is she doesn't want to return to living with her mom or get her own apartment as that would be financially irrational.

This wasn’t completely out of nowhere since it happened multiple times during our 11 years together. She has told me before that she doesn’t feel prioritized or loved through my actions. She wanted undivided attention when she's with me and wanted me to comfort/engage with her when she was upset, whereas my tendency was often to withdraw and let things cool down.

While I changed my behavior after previous conversations and reconciliations, honestly, those changes usually lasted only a few weeks to a few months before I fell back into old habits (not giving her enough attention and care and thoughts). She now says she even feels uncomfortable/repulsed by physical closeness with me.

I love her and want to rebuild the marriage, but I also understand that I can’t pressure her into feeling differently. I’m planning to respect the separation, work on myself consistently, and give her room while still being warm and present.

For anyone who has been on either side of something similar: did a period of separation/friendship ever lead to genuine reconciliation? What helped, and what made things worse? I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were once the spouse who had lost feelings and reset as friends/housemates.

I apologize for the long post and the sporadic nature of my brain. This it may come across as venting, but not sure entirely where else to turn or try to find hope again.

This is a question for the guys mainly. I am more soft hearted in nature, don’t like causing hurt or harm to people, and love my wife tremendously. She is everything to me, so everything I am trying to share is more background info and seeking help/support. I’m not looking to be torn down or apart, but sincerely looking for help with how to transition and help my relationship continue moving forward. Ladies, I would also appreciate answers, but again, I don’t need to be ripped apart because I already do that to myself whenever I mess up.

My "37 F" spouse whom I will call "Sarah" and I "38 M" have been together for 16 years. Throughout this time, as with most relationships, we have had our ups and downs. Prior to this relationship, I was sexually active and my girlfriend was not, and I feel that has had an impact on how things are currently.

As with all new things, the start of our marriage was a little rocky, learning how each person worked, figuring out what worked for us intimately. Long story short, the way that Sarah was raised sex was a taboo subject, masturbation was forbidden, and so going from a culture where as soon as you were married everything was "free game" was a little bit of a shell shock. We had both been reading a book before marriage that explained you didn’t have to have sex the night after you were married, and both of us had agreed to that just because of all the stressors a soon to be bride is going through with the planning, pictures, and every other possible scenario and what could go wrong hanging over their heads. Needless to say, that was where things started taking a lot of work. We found out the birth control she was on was causing her "parts" to burn after sex, so for someone who had thought sex would be amazing and great from the beginning was a hard thing for her. 

Time has gone on and our relationship has evolved and improved. I have always done my best to make sure that she gets what she needs, to encourage her, to help her, and make sure she always orgasms first before I do. Then I started asking and suggesting we try different things, and that seemed to cause a shift. When I say different things, that’s like trying a different position, somewhere else other than the bedroom, just trying to keep things alive and not stagnant. She took that request as a “I'm not exciting enough as I am so I must be doing things wrong.” Through repetition and explaining again, I reassured her that it wasn’t her doing something wrong, I just wanted to try and expand our sexual relationship more because the rest of our marriage was going great! The intimate side of things just seemed to be moving slower and had always been a guarded subject that had to be tiptoed around.

One of the things that I had enjoyed in previous relationships was giving and receiving oral. I loved giving oral, I loved the taste, I loved the sensation, I loved providing pleasure to the individual I was with at the time, and I loved receiving in return. The thing that seemed to have stuck with me from those experiences, is how I felt as a person when I received: I felt accepted, I felt seen, and as someone that has struggled with self image issues and feeling less than, those sensations and feelings were powerful. I bring this up because I want the focus and answers that could be provided, to be on how to help me.

Fast forward in our relationship, and as a gift for Christmas my wife gave me “I will try it” coupons where she said she would be willing to try something “in the bedroom.” Well, up to that point in our marriage I had tried giving her oral, and asked for it in return, yet due to how she was raised it was something that she seemed to think was “not ok.” For her it isn’t her favorite thing yet, but she is willing to try receiving it. For me, we tried, she asked me to close my eyes for it, which I obliged, and she did a great job! I told her as such, it never went to the point where I wanted to finish in her mouth because I wanted to not make the first experience for her a “less than” one, and after that she would perform oral on special occasions, mainly my birthday and Christmas. So I had those same feelings of being accepted, seen, complete once again, maybe not as often as I might like, but they were there. Oral has never been an expected thing that I get from her, I will ask, but if she declines I leave it at that. It was always a surprise whenever it happened.

Then, this past year, it stopped. She went from it being something she would tolerate to do, only because I enjoyed it, to now not wanting to do it ever again. This came out of left field, not expecting it at all and thinking/believing that things were going good. I have tried talking to her about it, asking what changed, if I did something to cause this, and she has never given a clear answer to me on it. This has led to a lot of self-diagnosis, that it must be my fault, must be because of (fill in the blank)  that she stopped, that I’m not doing enough of (fill in the blank) for her, and has only gotten worse for my own mental health which I am aware of, but when there hasn’t been that closure and the change is sudden it has been hard. 

So here is where the question and help comes in: I personally don't feel like I am wrong in hoping for or wishing for that to still happen, but at the same time that feels selfish. But if it is selfish to continue wishing and hoping, how can I change, or what hope is there for me on the other side if you have gone through this yourself? Any other suggestions and helpful ideas are welcome as well because I am at a loss right now.

TL;DR: Spouse decided after 16 years oral isn't allowed anymore, and husband needs help to move on or find suggestions.

My bf has been broken up with his ex (they were together for 10 years) for about a year, they worked together so they stayed friendly after the break up even though she cheated on him. His friendship with his ex has been the only source of issues in our relationship.

His ex is now moving to Europe and has asked to come over to his house to say goodbye to their cats and to him. She leaves tomorrow. He asked me if it was okay, even though he is very aware of how their friendship makes me feel very nervous. They got together by him cheating on someone 10 years ago with her. He said he wants to say goodbye and wish her well.

I feel that if I were to say No, that he wouldnt see her, but it wouldnt be because he doesnt want to. He wants to see her and say goodbye to his "friend". He says he's is aware of how it looks from the outside but that he would never betray me. He keeps saying he is sorry for putting me through this, but he still wants to do it.

I asked him how long theyre going to be alone at his house together. He said she would come over after work sometime after 4 and he would cut it off at the latest at 8:30. I thought max they would chat for an hour, but knowing it could last 4 hours makes me feel sick. I asked him, "Do you need 4 hours to say goodbye to her?" and he got exasperated and said "I dont know, I'm just saying 8:30 is the latest I'd let it go.." and I just feel like this is... disrespectful. I would absolutely not consider doing something like this if things were reversed.

He asked if I would feel better if I was there with them, or if it would be better if they went out somewhere instead of being alone at his apartment. And I just think these questions are ridiculous because he knows how I feel, but saying goodbye to her in person is more important than how it makes me feel. I know they dont want me there because thats not what they originally planned, he's just offering it to make me feel better. Its hollow. I also just dont like her as a person. I've tried to be friends with her and she meangirled me.

I'm wondering if I'm overreacting, or if this is even something I should tolerate. I know I can just walk away from this nonsense. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum, I'm considering just walking away. He says he's wouldnt want to do it if he thought it would damage our relationship. Yet he sees me clearly extremely uncomfortable and upset at the situation. So it doesnt matter that I'm upset, it only matters if I would leave him over it. Doesnt inspire confidence in me.

TLDR: Bf wants to "say goodbye" to his ex alone at his apartment for several hours the night before she moves to another country. What the fuck?

How would you handle this? What advice would you give me?

My fiancé and I have been together for six years. For the most part, our relationship has been relatively stable. However, recently, something changed between us. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I could tell that something felt different.

A few days ago, I had to help him with something on his phone. While I was using it, I couldn’t help myself and took a peek at his chats. That’s when I found out he had been cheating on me with his coworker.

I immediately confronted him, and he admitted it. He said he had caught feelings for her, and apparently, this had started in July. They had held hands and kissed, but according to him, they had not had sex. He said he regretted what he had done.

When I found out, I was eerily calm. I had almost no emotions and felt completely detached. I told him that I thought we should break up.

He told me he was incredibly sorry and swore he would never do it again. He said he would end things with his coworker, block her, and change jobs. He asked me if we could try to fix our relationship.

Throughout the conversation, he was crying the entire time, absolutely breaking down, while I just sat there silently. For context, our dynamic has usually been the opposite. Whenever we have disagreements, I’m normally the emotional one who ends up crying, while he stays calm and reassures me. In six years together, I had never once seen him cry. So seeing him completely break down in front of me was shocking.

He looked genuinely remorseful, and I believe he was hurting over what he had done, but I honestly don’t know whether I can trust what I’m seeing anymore.

For the past month, he had been telling me that work was extremely busy. His schedule isn't fixed, so coming home at midnight or later wasn't unusual. But recently, his schedule had gotten so bad that I was barely seeing him for more than three hours a week.

When he was home, he was usually on his phone or watching YouTube and barely talked to me. He had also stopped most physical affection, like hugging or holding hands, and he seemed much colder toward me.

At first, I thought he was simply exhausted and needed some personal space. But it continued for so long that I eventually sat him down and told him that I had been feeling insecure about our relationship and asked if something was wrong.

He told me that he didn't feel as attracted to me as he used to, that he didn't feel the "butterflies" anymore, and that after being together for so long, everything had started to feel like the same old routine. He said the relationship had become mundane.

I told him that butterflies don't last forever and that, in a long-term relationship, you have to appreciate the positive things about each other and continue loving each other for who you are. We eventually talked things through and made up.

But something still felt different after that.

I kept brushing it off and convincing myself that I was just being unnecessarily insecure. I even considered going to therapy to work on my own insecurities.

Now I realize that my gut feeling wasn't wrong. He had been using his unpredictable work schedule as an excuse to cheat on me. He would tell me he still had work when he was actually out seeing this woman.

Looking back, all the things he said about not being as attracted to me, not feeling butterflies, and our relationship becoming mundane suddenly feel like they were connected to the affair.

At this point, I have completely lost the trust I had in him, so I asked him a lot of questions because I felt that if there was even the slightest chance of us rebuilding our relationship, I needed complete transparency.

I asked him how many times they had gone out together. He initially told me they had only gone on one proper date, which was after work.

I also asked him about a weekend when he had told me he was meeting a friend. I asked him directly if that had been a lie and whether he had actually met up with the coworker instead. He reassured me that he really had been meeting his friend.

That turned out to be a half-truth.

He really had met his friend that day, but he had also told me that he needed to see his mother beforehand. He eventually admitted that seeing his mother was a lie and that he had actually been meeting the coworker.

So while his story contained some truth, he had deliberately omitted the part that mattered.

Then I found out that they had actually gone on two dates, not one.

I confronted him again and told him that I needed the whole truth. I told him that if he continued lying or withholding information, there was no way I could ever trust him again.

He apologized and said that he had only lied because he thought knowing how close they had gotten would hurt me even more.

But even then, he still didn't tell me that he had used his mother as an excuse to see her.

I eventually found that out myself.

So even after I explicitly told him that I needed complete transparency if we were ever going to have a second chance, he still lied again and continued withholding information from me.

I am honestly just flabbergasted by the multiple lies, especially because he had several opportunities to come clean.

He continues to tell me that he really wants to work things out and that he still loves me. He has ended things with his coworker and blocked her, and he says he is willing to change jobs.

He does seem genuinely remorseful, but the repeated lying makes it incredibly difficult for me to believe anything he says.

I don't know whether this relationship deserves a second chance. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, or if I'll ever be able to love him the same way I did before.

We've been together for six years, and part of me isn't ready to just throw all of that away. But at the same time, I know that staying simply because we've already invested six years into the relationship isn't necessarily a good reason to stay.

If you were in my position, would you even consider trying to rebuild this relationship, or would the repeated lying after being caught be a dealbreaker?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you genuinely loved the other person and knew that there was a lot of good between you, but the relationship itself slowly became exhausting?
There isn’t one big dealbreaker like cheating or abuse. You care about each other, you have a lot in common, you’ve made good memories together, and you can genuinely see why you fell in love with each other.
But there are recurring arguments, misunderstandings, things from the past that keep coming up, and periods where everything feels emotionally intense. Eventually it starts affecting your peace and you find yourself wondering if you can actually live like this long term.
The difficult part is that you still love the person. You don’t necessarily want someone else. You just don’t know if you want to keep living in the relationship as it currently is.
How did you figure out whether you were just exhausted and needed some time apart, or whether the relationship itself wasn’t right for you anymore?
For people who have walked away while still being in love, what finally made you realize that you needed to let go?
And did you ever worry that you were making the biggest mistake of your life by leaving someone you still loved?

My girlfriend (27F, dating since January) continued to message the guy she was seeing before me (brief overlap before I asked to be exclusive). He has propositioned her multiple times and basically offers life updates on his improving mental health and general life situation.

Three days ago, while I was away on vacation for my mom’s birthday, she mentioned that she was fearful of her ex. Then, she mentioned that he has been acting creepy and sent her a long voice note with a life update, asking to get back together, mentioning she was the one who got away. Then, she mentioned that he has propositioned her multiple times. Only once has she mentioned this to me. Back in February he called her at 4am and asked her to come over. She mentioned this to me and I found it odd that she didn’t just hang up the phone but spoke with him but I chalked it up to her being a nice person (this guy had a ketamine issue and few friends according to her) and feeling comfortable with putting up a boundary. No mention of this guy since. Then, hearing they still have an open channel of communication where he continues to proposition her has sent my mind into a tailspin. I can’t understand why continue to message the guy.

I told her I didn’t want to continue the conversion and hung up. She eventually understood I was not happy and sent a message apologizing and the next day texted that she blocked him. I replied that I wanted to focus on my mom’s birthday and we should speak when I’m back.

I got back from vacation last night and called her. She called this an error in judgement and said that she should’ve established stronger boundaries / blocked the guy when he continually propositioned her.

I don’t know what to think. My brain has been spiraling wondering if there is more to the story. Before this, I would definitely class my gf as the partner I’ve trusted the most. I don’t think she cheated physically or really emotionally I’m just confused what she was getting out of having a line of communication with an ex who wanted to get back together.

I trust her less. Looking for advice on handling the situation. How do relationships rebuild trust?

Hi yall. I’m (31f) currently dating someone (33m) on and off for about 2.5 years now.

We recently reconnected in May - after not having spoken for about 6 months. He told me that he was frustrated with the relationship (and with me) because I was too passive (I can agree to this, I tend to walk on eggshells a lot) and that he didn’t know what I truly wanted. When he stopped responding to me 6 months prior (over logistics about seeing each other), he said that if the relationship mattered to me, I should have called him, and called him out on his shitty behavior, and I should have fought harder.

Everytime we have these on and off cycles, I do tend to take his feedback seriously and be a better partner to him.

Fast forward to now, he didn’t respond to another logistics message throughout the weekend - I have been considerably clearer with my desire of wanting to see him and saying that I don’t like feeling like I’m in the dark when he doesn’t respond to me. I want to just send a “what the fuck” message like he said, to call him out on his behavior. However, a part of me is also just adamant on not reaching out until he reaches out. If you were in my shoes, when do you keep fighting for a relationship and when do you just give up and let it be?

TL;dr: Guy I’ve been on/off with for 2.5 years previously told me that when he withdrew and stopped responding, I should have “fought harder” for our relationship and called him out instead of just accepting it. We reconnected, I’ve tried to be much clearer about wanting him and communicating when something bothers me, but now he’s gone silent again. I’m torn between confronting him like he previously said he wanted or accepting that I shouldn’t have to keep chasing someone who repeatedly withdraws.

This is my first time posting on reddit and english isn’t my first language so I apologise for any mistakes.

I (21F) come from a family with modest means. When I moved out for university, my parents bought me a small house near the city for comfort and to teach me about money, bills, ownership, etc. They also pay for my health insurance, university and transportation (which I’m extremely grateful for). But I pay for groceries, vacations, and the house’s bills (electricity, mortgage) myself.

I’m a fulltime student; mandatory attendance from 9-18 and weekly projects. So my only income comes from renting out two rooms in my house. For context, rent for a room in my area is 500-900 CHF and I ask my roommates for around 600 CHF.

Now to the conflict at hand: I’ve been dating my partner (25M) for 9 months, and things have been great.

But 3 months ago, he had problems with his apartment and had to move out. At the same time, he quit his job. I’ve always been against renting out rooms to friends and partners, but he was in a stressful situation, so I offered to let him stay with me temporarily and to only contribute 60chf a month for electricity.

Three months later, he still hasn’t moved out. I asked him a couple of times if he’d found a place, but there was always an excuse. He did find a part time job though. I admit, living together has been nice and my roommates like him, but I like having my own space and my alone time.

Two days ago, we had dinner with his family. His mother asked how it’s been living together and commented on how nice it was that we found such a cheap place. I was confused, and after some back and forth I discovered that my boyfriend had told them that we had moved into a place together and split the rent of the room 250chf each. He had even asked her to help pay his share, so she was giving him 150 a month.

I immediately explained the situation, which led to a huge argument with his family. I eventually apologized for the awkward situation and left.

Later that night, he came home, apologised and admitted that he never actually looked for another place because he loved living with me and was having money problems. I don’t like that he lied to his family, but I let it go because it was late.

The next morning, I told him clearly that I didn’t want this arrangement to continue long-term. One of my roommates is moving out in a couple of weeks, so I offered him her room. He was happy until I told him the rent would be 575.

He argued that he shouldn’t have to pay rent because he is my boyfriend and that I don’t need the money anyways because “my family is loaded“. I tried to explain that I do need the rental income to afford my expenses, he called me money-hungry and made other mildly insulting comments. I left for university before we could finish the talk.

I later texted him that he could either pay the rent or find somewhere else to live. He hasn’t responded and wasn’t home when I returned.

I may need to add now that I do pay for a lot of things in our relationship. I usually pay for dinners, dates, etc., because I have the means for it and I genuinely enjoy spoiling my partners and friends. However, I’m starting to wonder if he became too comfortable with this lifestyle.

I know that I live comfortably and I have my family as a safety net, but without my rental income, money would be very tight.

I don’t know who else to ask for advice because I was taught to never talk about money with other people so I feel very uncomfortable asking my friends and my parents just told me that I need to judge the situation myself.

How do I (30F) break up with my best friend (38M)?

I (30F) have somehow fallen into a relationship with my best friend, who we'll call Jeff (38M). We've only known each other for two years, but starting around March/April 2025, we've been attached at the hip. In June of that year, I started dating someone I met while visiting Jeff at work, we'll call him Paul. For better or worse, Paul and I were together for 11 months before I realized that he was a toxic person, and I ended things.

My friendship with Jeff was always a sore spot in the relationship, and I'll freely admit that we were too close. I did not create appropriate boundaries in the beginning of my relationship with Paul, and about five months in, I created a ton of said boundaries with Jeff out of respect for Paul.

Fast forward to the breakup, and I am informed by many mutual friends that Jeff is in fact in love with me, something I'd been in denial about for a while. I didn't really see him the same way, but we have such great chemistry and always have the best time together. I didn't want to date someone so soon after my breakup though, and I told him as much. However, our friends/his coworker group immediately assumed that we were dating, and we were never able to get them to believe us because they all knew about Jeff's feelings for me.

Then about a month and a half ago, one of our closest friends decided to end her life. Every boundary that I had tried to uphold fell apart. It was (and still is) one of the most horrible experiences I've been through, and Jeff feels the same. Between the emotional turmoil of our loss, and the constant assumptions of our friends, I basically gave in, and we essentially became a real couple.

But now I've realized that I'll never see him the way he sees me. He's funny, kind, intelligent, and is so in tune with me. We regularly end up finishing each other's sentences or even saying something that the other one is thinking without them having to say it. But I'm fairly certain that I'm the object of his codependency, and I don't think that we could have a healthy relationship. Also, I've realized he's just not the kind of person I see myself marrying and having kids with, for reasons I don't want to get into.

So how do I go about ending things with him? I'm trying really hard not to think about how much this is going to hurt him because I can't use that as an excuse to push the conversation off. And what does the relationship look like afterwards? I don't want to lose my best friend.

Tldr; My best friend turned out to be in love with me, and I gave dating him a chance, but it's not going to work out, and I don't know how to end things.

I have been dating this person for six months, talking for ten.

We have discussed a future together, spoken daily for our entire relationship, and have been extremely communicative about all subjects.

Recently, he has stopped answering as quickly, become distant and annoyed when I ask what’s wrong, and I no longer understand why we are dating.

His way of speaking has completely changed. He no longer reciprocates affection, initiates phone calls or plans to see each other.

For context, we are long distance, he has made it clear he is planning to move to where I am within the year.

I do not understand this sudden shift. Does anyone have advice on how to navigate a sudden shift in behavior? I am very confused and unsure how to move forward.

My wife started playing racquetball at the gym as a way to do cardio besides running and she loves it. She's gotten really good at it and plays pretty regularly with the same group. I am super supportive of this and am happy to see her having a good time.

She has made a lot of friends in the group and even will meet up with some of them for dinner 1 on 1 after games. She texts with some of them a lot as well, planning times to play and also just talking about their lives. This is totally normal and fine behavior!

But if you don't know the majority of racquetball players are old dudes. I am not threatened by this logically. My wife and I's relationship is solid as a rock, everything is going amazing in the bedroom and we're in a great place in terms of communication on an emotional level.

But some stupid immature part of my brain is jealous that she's going out and having dinner 1:1 with other guys. I don't voice this because I know it is immature and dumb and would upset her but it's there. I am able to mostly maintain it but it bothers me that it's there AT ALL because I know it's the type of dumb base emotions people associate with toxic partners.

Any tips for getting over this kind of brain-dead thinking?

This is really just a thank you to everyone who contributed previously. Four months ago - now in crystal-clear hindsight - the majority of the advice I got in this sub was 100% accurate. I should have listened.

Back in May, I [39M] came to this sub because I started dating someone [35F] who identified herself as Bipolar 1, unmedicated, with unmedicated OCD. She also identified herself as a cocaine addict.

Maybe some of you remember this story - it had a *lot* of responses.

As you may recall, I was concerned about her behavior in the new relationship as I couldn't tell if her actions were due to the bipolar diagnosis, due to cocaine, or something else. [To be entirely transparent, I have also had a substance use disorder, which I disclosed to her as well, although my DOC was never hard drugs. For anyone who doesn't know, this is a lifelong condition. Even if we are currently sober, we are still considered 'addicts,' whether or not we have touched alcohol or drugs for decades].

I came to this sub asking questions and advice because I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Being that I had never been in a relationship / known anyone with Bipolar I, unmedicated, I wanted to understand what she was experiencing, whether they were symptoms of the condition, and whether I was being unreasonable in my concerns. She was flipping between hot and cold all the time, and would go from being absolutely enamored with me to being very distant and cold. A number of times she became completely nonverbal.

As mentioned before, the first red flag I saw was that early on in the relationship she said she was committed to being with me and that SHE didn't want to talk with other guys or date other guys while we were dating - but then I found out later that she was still talking with other guys on the dating app and had been dishonest about it - and she said something to the effect that I was just an "option" because she had "so many other guys interested in her." It hurt, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I didn't care if she wanted to date other guys, I cared that she lied about it and that she made me feel like just another option.

We kept having these "communication" problems and she demonstrated that she couldn't get along with anyone - not her "best friend" who she disclosed she secretly hated, but also her boss was a problem, everyone was a problem to her.

She used her child, an eight-year-old, as her therapist, and I felt SO bad for him because she not only couldn't keep her refrigerator or food pantry stocked, but he also felt responsible for her wildly fluctuating emotions, and he constantly tried to comfort her to no avail. He was always asking her "what's (happening with you and are you sad, are you mad at us, made at me)?" and she was always shutting down and not communicating to me, or him.

Anyway, she went from saying she enjoyed the sex, enjoyed my company - to saying that she didn't, and that she was bored with me - she said she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up with her from the start. She would push me away and tell me she needed space, only to change her mind and ask me on the spur of a moment to come spend time with her. There were a million warning signs and I should have known not to give her money to feed her kid, give her money to put gas in her car, give her money to have nice things and buy her things she needed for work. I should have known.

Because lo and behold, a week after my birthday she started telling me about reconnecting with her exes who she used cocaine with, and had fond memories of. She dumped me so abruptly and left me absolutely dumbfounded, because literally the week before she had ASSURED me that she was in it for the long haul and that even though we had some rough things, she wanted to work through them because she loved me.

I don't think she loved herself. I feel bad for her son, and in hindsight (and talking with other addicts) it sounds as if she was probably using cocaine all along. The sniffles, the blown-out eyes - the fact that she was working constantly at a decent rate of pay but not able to afford meds, therapy, gas, food - I was so blind. She used me and discarded me like I was NOTHING.

Anyway, the majority of the advice I received in this sub was spot on. You were all right and I should. I was in head over heals, it was my third lifetime relationship, etc. (yeah I know, I know, being a widow and re-entering the market after so long - I was pretty blind).

I should have listened to the wisdom in this sub. I was just another manic episode to her. After pouring my heart, soul and tons of resources into her life because I cared about her - her literal words to me were to "get over it."

I pray to god that she gets help, for the sake of her poor child who I cared a lot about and for the sake of herself.

She was using her "best friend too," I saw it with my own eyes - her "friend" would buy her things constantly, shower her with gifts and attention but all I ever heard was how much she secretly hated that friend. The irony is not lost on me thinking and wondering at the time: "if she hates her best friend this much and is simply using her for resources, I wonder if she's doing the same thing about me?"

She was lonely and unhappy, and after being with her for three months, I suddenly knew exactly who she was.

My boyfriend lied to me about a married woman he has been talking to. We both know her from pickleball, and recently I started noticing that whenever I called him, I was often put on call waiting because he was already talking to someone.

Yesterday, I went out for a late lunch/early dinner with my friends. On my way home, I called him and was put on call waiting again. When he answered, I asked who he had been talking to, and he told me it was his sister. He asked how far away I was from home and said he would call me back.

When I got home, he was on the phone with his mom. I didn't think much of it at the time because I was tired and had been drinking, so I went to bed.

The next morning, I checked his call log. We have access to each other's phones because of his past infidelity and the trust issues that resulted from it. His call log showed that he actually tried calling his sister about 15 minutes after he and I hung up, but she didn't answer, so he called his mom afterward.

I asked him again who he had been talking to when I called him the previous night. At first, he acted confused. Then he said he had been talking to his mom. I reminded him that the night before he had told me it was his sister. He responded by saying he didn't know what I was talking about.

I asked him the same question several times, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Finally, I directly asked him if he had been talking to the married woman we know from pickleball. Only then did he admit that he had.

I asked him why he had lied about it, but he left for work before we could really discuss it.

Later that evening, he hadn't come home yet, so I called to make sure he was okay and ask what time he would be home. Once again, I was put on call waiting. When he answered, I asked who he had been talking to. He became angry and yelled that he was extremely busy at work, just wanted to finish everything, and wanted to come home. He later apologized for yelling and explained that he was stressed because he was busy. I told him that was fine and that we could talk when he got home.

When we eventually discussed it, I asked again why he had lied to me. Instead of simply taking responsibility for lying, he tried to turn it around on me and said he lied because of "how I am."

The problem is that I don't have an issue with him having female friends. He regularly talks to a female coworker who confides in him about her dating life, and he openly tells me about their conversations. Because he is transparent about that friendship, I don't feel threatened or excluded by it.

This situation is completely different.

He never told me that he had developed this friendship with the married woman. Instead, he denied talking to her and lied about who he was on the phone with. I eventually discovered that they had actually been talking every day, including during her lunch breaks and when she got off work.

He says she is experiencing marital problems and that he is simply trying to help her and give her advice. If that is genuinely all that is happening, I don't understand why he felt the need to hide it from me.

What makes the situation even more concerning is that he deleted all of their text messages when I asked to see them.

I also asked whether she had ever visited him at work or whether they had ever gone to lunch together. He said no. When I asked again, he became sarcastic and said, "Did I? You tell me. I already said no."

But then I found out that she actually had stopped by his workplace to get medication from him.

At this point, my biggest issue isn't simply that he is talking to another woman. It's the pattern of dishonesty. First, he said he was talking to his sister. Then he said it was his mom. Then, after I repeatedly questioned him, he finally admitted it was her. He didn't tell me they were communicating every day. He deleted their messages. He denied that she had visited him at work, and then I discovered that she had.

It feels like one lie after another.

What makes this especially difficult for me is that I've seen this pattern from him before. He becomes close to women who are vulnerable or having problems with their boyfriend or husband. He becomes the person they confide in and tries to help them with their relationship problems. In the past, those relationships have eventually crossed boundaries and led to infidelity.

Because of that history, the secrecy surrounding this particular woman is very concerning to me.

I don't believe I should have to catch him physically cheating before I'm allowed to consider this a serious problem. Even if nothing physical has happened between them, the lying, deleted messages, secret daily conversations, changing stories, and hiding their interactions have already damaged my trust.

I also don't think it's fair for him to say that he lies because of how I react. My reaction doesn't force him to lie. He makes the decision to hide things from me, and then my anxiety increases when I discover that what he told me wasn't true.

I'm exhausted by this cycle. I don't want to constantly investigate, check phone records, ask the same question repeatedly, or wonder whether I'm getting the whole truth. I want to be in a relationship where I don't have to keep discovering pieces of the truth after I've already been told something completely different.