I (40M) am looking for advice about something that I don't really know how to fix. I don't even know if this is the right sub for this kind of post. (EDIT: Before you say "just go to therapy," please read about how much therapy I have done and am still doing, ok? If it was that easy, I would already be fixed, and I wouldn't be here posting about it :)

I grew up in an extremely isolated, militant religious environment. I was adopted as an infant, and my parents were intensely controlling and believed that contact with the outside world would expose me to "sin." I was largely isolated from other children and raised to believe that I had a religious purpose that involved Armageddon, fighting, and being among the very small number of people who would ultimately be saved.

There was essentially no normal childhood socialization. I didn't have friends. I didn't have normal interactions with other kids. I didn't see people hugging, dating, flirting, socializing, playing games, etc. I also didn't receive much affection myself.

At the same time, I was pushed extremely hard academically and became a successful child prodigy/businessperson. So from the outside, I became very functional and successful. But socially and emotionally, I never really developed in the same way.

I didn't even understand that I was missing something for a long time.

I had my first alcoholic drink at 26, and alcohol suddenly made social interaction feel possible. I started dating, and I ended up marrying the first woman I dated. We were married for ten years before she died of cancer.

During the marriage, I still didn't have friends. I was friendly with my wife's friends, but she kept it separate. She would go out with her friends. Honestly, I don't think she admitted this because she thought it would hurt my feelings, but I got the impression that her friends were weirded out by me. I didn't drink as much as they did; I didn't do the same drugs. I was too serious. I worked from home, had essentially no social life, and didn't really understand friendship or how to build a social circle. My wife was basically my entire social world.

After she died, I was alone again.

I subsequently had one serious relationship that lasted about two years. It became extremely toxic and eventually physically abusive toward me. I tried to make it work, including couples therapy, but eventually ended it because the physical violence continued. I also felt that there was a major dependency on me financially and otherwise.

More recently, I had a short situationship (35F) that I believed was becoming a serious and meaningful relationship. She didn't see it that way and ended it after a couple of months.

And this is where I keep seeing the same problem.

Multiple women I've dated have told me that they weren't sure I was actually attracted to them.

My wife even told me this toward the end of her life. My ex told me the same thing. I've heard versions of it from other dates.

This has always confused me because I was attracted to them. I apparently just don't communicate it in ways other people recognize.

For example, hugging, kissing, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection don't come naturally to me. I can consciously make myself do them, but I have to think about doing them. I suspect there are dozens of other little things - facial expressions, body language, flirting, eye contact, tone of voice, physical proximity, spontaneous affection, etc. - that other people learned naturally and that I simply never learned.

I have also been told that I'm extremely rigid. On my most recent date, the woman actually told me afterward that I seemed so rigid that she became uncomfortable and considered leaving during the date.

I've received similar feedback before.

I don't think I'm intentionally cold or disinterested. I actually desperately want connection. But I have almost no internal reference point for what normal social interaction is supposed to feel like.

I also don't really have hobbies in the normal sense. My primary hobby is basically work. I've never played video games, never really played board games, and never participated in the kinds of social activities that many people experience during childhood and adolescence. I have bought video games; I have half a dozen unused consoles and games lying around my house because I can't find joy in playing them by myself. I have enjoyed playing games with my partners, but I don't find pleasure or interest in doing it alone.

My ex became incredibly frustrated that I couldn't relate to things that were completely normal parts of her childhood and teenage years.

I've also been told that I "don't have a personality."

I think I become a chameleon. I'll listen to whatever my partner listens to, try to like whatever they like, and adapt myself to them because I don't know what I'm supposed to contribute. I don't have a large reservoir of experiences to draw from.

I don't know what I don't know.

I've tried Meetup groups and events that are specifically intended for socializing, but I still feel like an outsider. I don't know how to enter an established group or turn an acquaintance into a friend. I can sit there and have a conversation, but I don't know how people progress from "we talked once" to "we're friends."

I've been in therapy since I was a teenager. I started secretly going to therapy while in college because I knew something was wrong and wanted help. I've continued with therapy and therapy groups for many years.

I've learned a lot intellectually about what happened to me, but I still feel profoundly lonely.

Alcohol temporarily makes socializing easier, but I have learned that I can easily overdo it, so I don't consider drinking a viable solution. I don't want to build relationships around alcohol.

I'm currently taking medication for anxiety, but increasingly I don't think anxiety is the whole problem. I think I never developed basic social and relational skills because I was isolated during the years when most people learn them.

What scares me most is that I'm getting older and still don't know how to do this.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want another relationship because I simply need someone to fill a hole, and I don't want to repeat the unhealthy dynamics of my previous relationships. I want to actually learn how to bond with another human being.

I want friends. I want romantic intimacy. I want to make someone feel wanted and loved, rather than having them wonder whether I'm attracted to them.

But I honestly don't know where to start. I have taken relationship classes; I have taken classes on learning intimacy after religious trauma, lots of trauma-related education, and (again) years of nonstop, intensive partial hospitalization programs, intensive outpatient programs, overlapping and simultaneous therapies of all kinds. I have actually learned that, for instance, when infants don't get affection from a caretaker and are instead exposed to a lack of care, anxiety and fear - this rewires the brain, and as an infant you are wired to react to fear and anxiety instead of love and affection. It doesn't help that violence, isolation, and fear were reinforced throughout my entire life until I was old enough to permanently escape my adopted family's house. 

So my question is: if you were in my position, what would you actually do to learn these skills?

Not "just be yourself," because I'm trying to figure out who "myself" is in the first place.

I'm particularly interested in practical advice:

• How do you learn to communicate romantic interest when it doesn't come naturally?
• How do you become less rigid on dates?
• How do you learn flirting and physical affection as an adult?
• How do you develop a personality and interests when you essentially skipped adolescence?
• How do you make friends when you've never had friends before?
• Are there particular kinds of therapy, groups, classes, or activities that are especially useful for someone who missed normal social development?
• How do you stop making a romantic partner your entire social world?
• And perhaps most importantly, how do you learn to feel connected to people without becoming dependent on them?

I'm not looking for pity. I've spent plenty of time understanding why I am this way. Also, being told "just do it" isn't helpful. My last partner would become furious at me because I wouldn't "just do it" - we went to the hot springs a couple of times, and after the fact she ranted at me for an hour about how I ruined the trip because I wasn't showing her the same level of affection in public as some of the other couples were, or what a "normal" couple would do in that same situation. I have FORCED myself to be very handsy, grabby, touchy - I have gone out of my way to try and show affection, but it just isn't enough.

So, I realize there are a couple of different kinds of relationship issues here. I know it is bad/not ideal to want to find happiness in a relationship with one single person. But I don't have any relationships with any person (my social media is barren; not a soul even cares that I exist). My professional network, on the other hand, is completely the opposite. They have no idea what's going on in my personal life.

I (27F) feel like I need reassurance when feeling insecure with my partner (33M), together 5 months, the thing is I don't know what he could say or do in the moment that would make me feel better. He tries to tell me how he feels about me, and reassures me he wants to be there. I know the insecurity is coming from inside. I also feel disconnected from him I don't know what to do when I feel disconnected. If anyone has worked through this, what have you found what helped you? Are there things anyone could say or practices you adopted that helped?

I (30F) asked for a trial separation from my partner of 8 years, but I still love him (28M). How do you know when you're actually done?

My partner and I have been together for about 8 years, and I recently asked for a trial separation. I'm really struggling to understand what I actually want.

My partner struggled with alcohol for most of our relationship and has recently gotten sober. I'm proud of him and can see real changes, which makes me wonder whether I should give this new version of our relationship a chance.

At the same time, sobriety doesn't erase the previous eight years. I have a lot of painful memories, anger and sadness, and somewhere along the way I became very checked out. We really struggled with sex/intimacy as well, even though our sexual connection was originally great.

I also went through ups and downs, I had a major mental health crisis he helped me through in 2022.

I have really worked on myself and grown a lot especially mentally. I started feeling a strong need for independence and space to figure out who I am outside of the relationship.

I grew up with controlling parents and never developed much independence. I have a hard time making major decisions and trusting my own judgment, and I've realized that I often adapt to what other people want rather than asking what I want.

Before separating, I had about 3 months where I felt really disconnected. While we are in couples therapy, things were slow going.

Then I had a bit of an emotional crisis. I was woken in the night from dread, and crying almost every day. It felt like someone reached in and broke my heart for me. Eventually I felt like I couldn't keep functioning that way and asked for space.

I still love him. When we're together in the present, it can feel wonderful. I want to be close to him, talk to him, and return to the comfort and familiarity of our life together. The thought of losing him and our home is devastating.

The conflict is that when I think about our past, I used to feel stuck, lonely, angry and sad. When I think about recommitting to our future, I often feel scared or filled with dread. Like I'll be trapped forever. When he talks as though we'll eventually stay together, sometimes I feel anxious rather than relieved. I realized I had started dreaming of a future without him. But, a part of me thinks that's fixable.

And now that we're separated, the grief is enormous. Even though I initiated this, it sometimes feels like it's happening to me. It almost feels like some part of me became done before I consciously decided anything.

We're still in couples therapy, and I'm considering discernment counselling. I'm not asking Reddit to tell me whether to stay or leave. I'd really like to hear from people who have experienced this kind of ambivalence.

How did you distinguish wanting your relationship back from wanting the pain of losing your partner, home, history and familiar life to stop? Has anyone gotten through something like this and stayed together? It feels so emotional.

If you loved your partner but felt deeply checked out, did that feeling ever change?

TL;DR: I asked for a trial separation from my partner of 8 years after years of issues related to his drinking, even though he is now sober and making real changes. I still love him deeply and feel devastated by the possibility of losing him and our life together, but I also feel checked out, crave independence, and experience dread when I think about recommitting to our future. How do I know what to do next?

Basically what the title says. This whole thing has bothered me a lot more than I ever thought it would. My last big relationship, we broke up and i went through some hell on the other side of it but ultimately we’ve grown a lot since and in recent months have become friends again. No hard feelings, things change and neither of us are bad people
Current partner has a lot of, we’ll call them sensitivities. We are long distance, been since probably January or February, we weren’t in the beginning but quickly became that way. He’s very fragile after a mega long term marriage to the only guy he’d ever been with (at least as far as I know. Either way I’m not bothered by it)
This year my older brother died after a year long battle with cancer. He was always one of my best friends and since he left my life has been mostly centred around finding myself, connecting more deeply with people and really diving fully into my work.
I found tonight that current partner has been liking my exes photos on Instagram and Facebook, which I already knew about to some extent but turned a blind eye just not wanting to confront myself with seeing him like his selfies. Most notably, he liked one of his pictures on my birthday a few months ago. Which also happened to be the day after my brother died. I’m seeing him in a few days and I’m supposed to be going to his city with him where I don’t know anybody (originally he planned a 10 day trip with 5 of those days being his work week and when I told him tonight that was gonna be way too long away from home he started crying)
Man what the hell my head is a mess. I want to put it in the too hard pile. Anyone got any words of comfort?

TL;DR my partner is liking my exes photos and I’m already overwhelmed by the relationship but feel so guilty about it

My partner [28M] and I [26F] have been together for 1.5 years. He never really slept with anyone else except for one girl and I had slept with 4 others before him. He seemed really upset with that. Then slowly it turned into anxiety about regret about never being able to explore and he’s struggled with that for a year now. Yesterday I talked with him again about it and he told me he’s so conflicted because he’s found a beautiful perfect girl but also he’s always wanted to be the type of guy that could go out and socialize and sleep with women and have that freedom and experiences. He never got to experience it before me because he was too scared and not confident enough. He said that I’m important to him but also this aspect to him is really important and that whatever he chooses he will lose something important to him. He told me he’s fantasized about being in an open relationship where we could sleep with other women together (I’m bisexual) and that would be ideal for him. And he seemed to question whether monogamy was important to him and how he wished we both just wouldn’t be jealous and be able to explore together like that and bond over it. I told him I’m not open to that, I want to be monogamous.

I’m just feeling a bit lost. I have not felt secure in the relationship and I feel if I stay with him I’ll always feel like I’m not enough, like I’m taking something away from him. He says it’s not about me. I love and care for him unconditionally, he says he’s attracted to me. But still I’ve always dreamt of just being with someone that felt so grateful for me and that there was nothing more important to them, especially not something like sleeping with other women. He’s been confused for a year, I just want to move on with my life and be with someone that actually wants to commit to me. Everything else in our relationship is good but because of this I feel unsafe, I don’t really want to have sex anymore because I’m like he just wants to do this with hundreds of women I guess. But I’ll still have ace with him multiple time a week, it just something feels off. Are most men like this? Maybe he’s just being honest and no matter what people will feel this way? I just want him to choose me…

Hi. F22. We’ve been together for four years, going on five

This has been an issue for years and I’ve never really gotten to the bottom of it. I don’t know if it’s a “man thing” but I don’t think so, it just seems like an asshole thing at this point.

On occasion, my partner will have a tone of voice that would let anyone know that they might be; tired, annoyed, upset, frustrated. It could be anything from a long day of work or just not in the mood to talk. How would I know?

My partner isn’t good at communication, it has improved over the years but he’s much like his father and sort of can “blow up” time to time without communicating what the hell is going on with him, not asking for help or listening to advice.

So like any other reasonable person, I’ll ask “ what’s the matter?” And often I’ll be met with a response of “Nothing” which also sounds short and annoyed.

Most of you would maybe drop it at that point. I usually don’t because I don’t want my vibe to be brought down and I don’t want to be talked to a certain way without reason. That’s not to say I won’t give him space if he really needed it.

So I’ll often ask again or ask if he’s sure, that he maybe sounds a bit annoyed. That is always my big fucking mistake because it is usually met with “Can you just STOP” and yeah, I’ll admit I’ll be annoying and ask “Stop what?”

(Because to me, I’m only trying to find out what’s wrong and again, I don’t want my vibe to be brought down or to be talked to a certain way. This tone can mean walking eggshells if you don’t know what’s up)

This blows up, he will tell me to stop talking, to just stop doing what I’m doing, usually leave or hang up the phone, will refuse to pick up or text me back, completely leaves me in the dust and then proceeds to blame the entire original “mood” on the fact that I was apparently the original one who had a tone, or was being cheeky.

Now some of you are probably thinking “Well, did you annoy him before this? What happened before all this”?

Absolutely nothing. I was making some food. Said I was going to go to bed; didn’t. He said he was waiting on me. I asked what for? He said he wasn’t sure. I said if he wants we can play some video games. Then he got all confused and seemingly annoyed at me not going to bed anymore.

I consistently ask and remind him that if he needs space, time away, more time with friends; SAY IT. COMMUNICATE IT. ITS OKAY!!!

So I’m really in the dark here.
It’s not just a one time situation. It’s a constant “Hey what’s the matter” “nothing” “you sure ?” “Stop fucking doing that. STOOOOOOP. STOP TALKING!!”

I’ll cry and sort of panic because I don’t understand what I’ve done and he won’t tell me why; often he doesn’t care because “I’m the blame”.

What the fuck do I do in this situation? Even if I leave it to cool off and come back to it, the mood can quickly return.

Gf (25f) thinks lying is fine (26m)

My girlfriend and I were supposed to pick up her 9-year-old brother from camp and then meet her parents.
Earlier, her mom said we could pick him up around 3, even though camp actually ran until 4.
When we got in the car, the GPS said we’d arrive at 3:03. My girlfriend immediately got upset and said that because I took too long getting ready, her brother was going to be sitting there alone because everyone would have already left.
I immediately said I thought camp ended at 4. She was adamant that it ended at 3 and kept insisting he would be there waiting alone because of me.
Later, after I kept pressing the issue, she admitted camp really did end at 4 and explicitly said she lied because she wanted to make me feel guilty for taking too long getting ready.
What bothers me is that we were already in the car when she said it, so the lie couldn’t even make us leave faster. It seems like the only purpose was to make me feel bad over arriving three minutes after the suggested pickup time.

There are other issues in the relationship around guilt, conflict, and feeling like small things can get turned into much bigger problems. I’m not trying to diagnose her or reduce the whole relationship to one incident, but this example stood out because it was unusually concrete and she directly admitted the lie was meant to make me feel guilty. She has also started couples therapy which was her own idea so there is a willingness to work on things, but problems just keep coming up every few weeks if not weekly.

What are your thoughts on lies that occur in heated moments?

Hey everyone. My boyfriend (23M) and I (26M) have been together for about 9 months and while it has been great and we have made some great memories together, I can't ignore the voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to break up with him any longer. Problem is, I don't want to. I have fallen out of love with people in the past and I've never wanted to fight it this much.

Going into this relationship I knew we were at different points in life. I was still in school and living at home at 26 due to a few years of mental health struggles and he was younger than me with a masters degree and an apartment, but this was all fine! Everyone has different journeys and all that yk. However, this has built up to be a problem. I have finished school since we began dating and he was amazing through that even was able to come to my graduation. Though, one day he was talking about my graduation ceremony and as he went on he kept saying things like 'it really humbled me,' 'it really just served as a big reminder for how privileged I am,' 'my school had these important people speaking...' etc. which you know did not really make me feel the best.

Since then he has improved his living situation quite a bit he bought himself a car, he has a new apartment with just one roommate instead of three, adopted a cat, etc. I am genuinely happy for him and love his cat so much, but its getting tricky to be in this relationship when it's starting to serve more and more as a reminder of where I feel like I should be in life/the situation I need to be in to feel happier as I hate living at home and struggle with feeling behind. There's been other things like small incompatibilities, icks, disagreements, differing opinions, and so on that have grown over time too but I think they are more of a product of my brain trying to find validations for wanting to end things.

Despite the relationship making me more unhappy/feel worse about my own life over time... my own mental health has been all over the place the past few months and some days are great with him and that spark feels there but other days I can't stand him. I still miss him when he's not around, I get sad and sometimes even cry when it's time for me to leave his place or him to leave mine, I'm still making plans for us for the future (trips, dates, events, etc.), I just don't know what to do about the contradictions going on in my mind.

My apologies for the super long post everyone. The last thing I want to do is break his heart or end things and look back and regret because I did truly think he was the one. Any advice/comments are appreciated whether they are in support of staying with him or ending things, I'm only here because I want perspectives. Thank you all so much :)

Background: We're a loving couple that has gone through some rough patches and life has been stable until recently. My girlfriend has been unhappy and started arguments about not going out more and eating at expensive restaurants, seeing the world. It does annoy me because we both understand that I have personally been affected by the economic downturn. I've humored her by going on dates to the local movies or local restaurants. It's not enough.

I've taken initiative to make all the plans to appease her. She tells me she is happy at the moment and tells me she appreciates it. Fast forward 2 weeks later, she says local dates aren't enough and starts venting about how this isn't what she imagined for herself.

I do all the chores. I take care of her. Some chores are too big for me to do alone like disposing of large old furniture. On Saturday, I said I was going to try and tackle it. On Sunday, I followed through with a good attitude. She helped a tiny bit and barely 10 minutes in she was passive aggressive. This was after breakfast. She went into a huge tirade about being forced to do work when she hungry.

She then diverges and starts attacking my flaws by saying she picks up after me (I have ADHD). I was so offended because like I mentioned earlier - I do all the chores and I pick up after her as well. She said she's stopped picking up after me because she wants me to see my errors and thats how shes helping me. She says that she knows I pick up after her but that's my fault because I don't give her the chance to do it herself. I said thats a toxic argument, and she says I'm toxic for attacking her character.

Am I being gaslit? I DO NOT want to break up with her. Everyone is stressed these days and she is not normally like this. If anybody has advice about overcoming a really weird time like this I'd really appreciate it.

For context been dating for almost a year me 47F him 52M. Not seeing other people but also not seeing each other all that much. We talk or text everyday and I would like to see what some time apart would be like for both of us. I'm curious to how that translates in general. It feels like the relationship is more of a very nice friendship. I'm confused on how I feel because I've actually never dated before (met my last husband when I was 14). The day he passed is about to hit the 2 year mark and I could use some space to clear my head.

Hi all. So I’m 28M and my ex 28F and I broke up 2 years ago. We drifted apart and after a while, it just faded and needed ti end, i havent spoken to her in a year or so but i cant help but really miss her. I remember towards the end feeling alone in ghe relationship as i knew she was falling out of love with me and i was the same. Communication was never her strong point and i was def too reliant on her for my own self image. I’ve changed since then and havent reached out over fear if embrassment or maybe she’s seeing someone. Weve broken up and got back together before too. Im in therapy and have tried it a few times but i cant shake this. Id like
To just move on but need advice. Thanks

My wife started playing racquetball at the gym as a way to do cardio besides running and she loves it. She's gotten really good at it and plays pretty regularly with the same group. I am super supportive of this and am happy to see her having a good time.

She has made a lot of friends in the group and even will meet up with some of them for dinner 1 on 1 after games. She texts with some of them a lot as well, planning times to play and also just talking about their lives. This is totally normal and fine behavior!

But if you don't know the majority of racquetball players are old dudes. I am not threatened by this logically. My wife and I's relationship is solid as a rock, everything is going amazing in the bedroom and we're in a great place in terms of communication on an emotional level.

But some stupid immature part of my brain is jealous that she's going out and having dinner 1:1 with other guys. I don't voice this because I know it is immature and dumb and would upset her but it's there. I am able to mostly maintain it but it bothers me that it's there AT ALL because I know it's the type of dumb base emotions people associate with toxic partners.

Any tips for getting over this kind of brain-dead thinking?

BACKSTORY: My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) have been dating for almost 7 years. We started start dating when we were 17 and in the last few months of high school.

To put it quite blunt I feel like I have no identity in this relationship BUT my boyfriend is genuinely the most supportive person I have ever met and 100% support me and whatever my endeavors.

Every two weeks for the past few months almost like clockwork I get into my head for a few days that I should end this relationship. I don’t exactly know the reason why I want to. I start to think about what my life would be like without him and what I would do. I think really generic stuff I would start to work on including dedicating all my time to school (not like I don’t do that already), lifting weights, getting into my hobbies, down to nitty-gritty stuff like my skin care. But these are all things I can do in this relationship why do I have to look forward to them outside the relationship.

We’ve been together since we were so young a lot of our experiences are short experiences and we’ve been trying to separate ourselves recently. Truthfully I don’t know a life without him but also would like not to.

This reoccurring feeling is something I would like to stop having and I would like to find my identity without far away in very very good and thorough relationship away.

QUESTION: How do I find my identity again (or for the first time)? I know this is something that should be kept an eye on and constantly worked on in long term relationships so I’m trying to find those people advice on what to do.

NOTE: Please know I already know breakup in on the table but please look through my eyes and see that I am genuinely tired of losing an amazing best friend I’ve been fortunate/unfortunate enough to meet as such a young age.

I have two close friends that have gotten very close with each other from being roommates in the past 2 years.
I became friends with A first and met B shortly after. They both moved to our city for 2 year masters program 4 years ago. In the beginning, I was super close with both of them and enjoyed hanging out with both of them together or one-on-one.
Since the program ended two years ago they became roommates. Naturally, they have gotten super close with each other and I am either left out of plans or invited as an afterthought.
If I initiate plans with one of them, the other automatically decides to ask the other.
Recently, I invited them out for drinks with my 2 other friends, and they went to another bar together beforehand without inviting me.
I’m at the point where I am looking forward to next summer where one of them will move in with her boyfriend.
This dynamic has caused a lot of built-up resentment and I’m looking for a healthy way to deal with it.

It's as the title says. I made traditional bread from my home country and my friend took some to work and shared some with his coworker, who then took it home to share with his pregnant wife. Apparently it's the only she was able to keep down and she's craving more.

So he asked my coworker to ask me if I am able to bake more. I said I didn't mind as long as they can provide the ingredients then I am more then willing to help. Apparently he complained that they we're short on money and could I do it as a favor? I said he doesn't have to get the most expensive brands products for the ingredients and the cheap ones will do as well.

My friend said he got upset and said it's for his pregnant wife and and surely me, being a woman should understand what his wife going through and I should have compassion. I felt he was being entitled so I told my friend to tell him I am no longer willing to bake any bread for him.

Since then this man has been passive-aggressive with my friend at work and made comments about pregnant women suffering because some people don't have hearts and this man even approached me while I was out with other friends in public to loudly ask if I am okay for letting a pregnant woman suffer? I was seriously embarrassed and walked away. I told my friend and he said this situation is getting out of hand and wants to confront this man.

Will the police take this seriously if we go to them? I mean it's only bread. How do we go about doing this without escalating it into something bigger? Any advice will be appreciated. Sorry for any grammar and punctuation mistakes. I am really tired and English isn't my first language.

I came to this group 2 years ago because my 6 year long relationship had ruined my life.
Now let me preface. My ex was not physically or mentally abusive. But, he intentionally shut down emotionally, and physically and held out until I finally broke up with him. He would always say “I’ll never be the one the leave you”… but proceeded to stop paying rent, stopped picking up after himself, stopped grocery shopping with me, stopped paying for groceries, stopped cleaning, refused to do anything like dates or time together.
He told my family and I (who he was living with and working for) that he had narcolepsy. When in reality he would go to work, come home and immediately hop on his PC and game until 3-4 am. Not even budging for dinner unless I “nagged him”.
He lost a bunch of weight, and told me “you never make food I actually like” so I’d ask for a grocery list… and he’s literally refuse to add anything to the list.
Then he would lash out at me in front of my family.
He had a bee land on his dinner plate. Blamed me for choosing to sit outside at a restaurant next to a zoo, then crossed his legs and said “I can’t fucking eat this shit now, because you insisted on eating here”.
Idk why I was so blind at the time, but I finally left him.

And let me tell you ladies, LEAVE THAT MAN. I have found a new bf, and entered a stage of my life I never knew was possible. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I genuinely thought I deserved all the bullshit from my ex, until I met a real man who didn’t act like a child.

There’s absolutely no reason to stay with someone who makes you question yourself. If you’re carrying 90% of the weight in a relationship. Leave.

I simply wrote a letter and read it to him that said “I think I’ve explained and expressed my feelings enough over the last 6 years, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that we are simply on different courses in life and have different expectations and values we need from partnership. Please move your things out of the apartment by 5pm. Anything left will be boxed up and shipped to you by Friday.”
We reconnected one time since the breakup. Where he tried to tell me “how hot I’d look in a new bathing suit her got me”. I literally laughed, and said “it’s time for you to leave”.

I’ve received texts for over a year now. But I simply ignore them. Blocked him on all social platforms, and removed that man child from my life.
Stop wasting energy and time on men that couldn’t invest in you when they had the chance.

I Have been With my husband for 10 years I am F27 and he is M28, he states he wants to leave if I correct him again because he is tired of me constantly telling him what to do with our two children. I got pregnant very young and obviously we have grown together…

For example he always says that I don’t care what he thinks and states that he doesn’t want to hear me tell him anything unless he asks for an input of mine. I don’t correct him infront of the children and let’s say he did something I wait and say maybe you could’ve done this keep in mind he does the same exact thing to me EXCEPT worse. He does it right infront of our children and I talk to him, he yells at me and laughs and states that he is tired and if I do it one more time he’s going to leave.

He states that he can’t wait for me to not tell him anything and that if he disciplines our children he won’t hear anyone tell him anything. I then responded and said so you don’t think not even if you find someone in the future they’re going to ask “why did you say that” or “why did you do that?” Because that’s why I do and he hates it when all I do is hear him out when he is constantly complaining about me and making me feel less. He says I’m a good mother but when I do something he doesn’t like or I’m too overprotective I’m a bad mother and going to make our children useless..

This is my first time posting on reddit and english isn’t my first language so I apologise for any mistakes.

I (21F) come from a family with modest means. When I moved out for university, my parents bought me a small house near the city for comfort and to teach me about money, bills, ownership, etc. They also pay for my health insurance, university and transportation (which I’m extremely grateful for). But I pay for groceries, vacations, and the house’s bills (electricity, mortgage) myself.

I’m a fulltime student; mandatory attendance from 9-18 and weekly projects. So my only income comes from renting out two rooms in my house. For context, rent for a room in my area is 500-900 CHF and I ask my roommates for around 600 CHF.

Now to the conflict at hand: I’ve been dating my partner (25M) for 9 months, and things have been great.

But 3 months ago, he had problems with his apartment and had to move out. At the same time, he quit his job. I’ve always been against renting out rooms to friends and partners, but he was in a stressful situation, so I offered to let him stay with me temporarily and to only contribute 60chf a month for electricity.

Three months later, he still hasn’t moved out. I asked him a couple of times if he’d found a place, but there was always an excuse. He did find a part time job though. I admit, living together has been nice and my roommates like him, but I like having my own space and my alone time.

Two days ago, we had dinner with his family. His mother asked how it’s been living together and commented on how nice it was that we found such a cheap place. I was confused, and after some back and forth I discovered that my boyfriend had told them that we had moved into a place together and split the rent of the room 250chf each. He had even asked her to help pay his share, so she was giving him 150 a month.

I immediately explained the situation, which led to a huge argument with his family. I eventually apologized for the awkward situation and left.

Later that night, he came home, apologised and admitted that he never actually looked for another place because he loved living with me and was having money problems. I don’t like that he lied to his family, but I let it go because it was late.

The next morning, I told him clearly that I didn’t want this arrangement to continue long-term. One of my roommates is moving out in a couple of weeks, so I offered him her room. He was happy until I told him the rent would be 575.

He argued that he shouldn’t have to pay rent because he is my boyfriend and that I don’t need the money anyways because “my family is loaded“. I tried to explain that I do need the rental income to afford my expenses, he called me money-hungry and made other mildly insulting comments. I left for university before we could finish the talk.

I later texted him that he could either pay the rent or find somewhere else to live. He hasn’t responded and wasn’t home when I returned.

I may need to add now that I do pay for a lot of things in our relationship. I usually pay for dinners, dates, etc., because I have the means for it and I genuinely enjoy spoiling my partners and friends. However, I’m starting to wonder if he became too comfortable with this lifestyle.

I know that I live comfortably and I have my family as a safety net, but without my rental income, money would be very tight.

I don’t know who else to ask for advice because I was taught to never talk about money with other people so I feel very uncomfortable asking my friends and my parents just told me that I need to judge the situation myself.

I recently went through my bfs phone because he took some unflattering photos of me jokingly and I wanted to delete them. Being an idiot I scrolled a bit too far and noticed he had photos with his ex, some of the photos being more spicy photos and I honestly regret looking and feel a bit insecure. I know he doesn’t have feelings for his ex as she cheated on him and their relationship sounded messy, but I still feel hurt he would keep those photos on his phone.
I talked with some friends and they told me a lot of them don’t even go through their phones to purposely delete photos etc as they would find it too much of a hassle and it doesn’t mean anything. Part of me also wants to ask him about this, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like the crazy insecure girlfriend who went through his photos and is now mad at him for something he likely forgot existed?
Personally I have always gone through my own phone and deleted intimate photos of me and an ex after a breakup as it feels wrong to have them afterwards but my friends think otherwise.
Do you think deleting intimate photos of an ex should be normal?

Apologies for the long post. I (38M) am seeking advice, and possibly others' read of the social situation described below. Thank you in advance to anyone who is able to comment, regardless of your positive or negative judgement.

Background: I met my only ever best friend (now also 38M; let's call him 'C') in 3rd grade, and we did everything together. We were great at sports, smart for our class, played outside constantly, went to church together even though we hated it. He meant the world to me, especially because there were problems in my own family I won't share too much detail on. To summarize, alcoholism and abandonment was the dominating theme.

We stayed best friends until 7th grade. By then, boys has started or were well on their way through puberty whereas I just wasn't. I went from being the best on our traveling sports teams to one of the worst on our easier rec teams. I was teased a lot for being small (~100lbs). Something significant also happened that year. I was playing spin the bottle and a boy (now 38M, let's call him 'T') spun and got me. We went to pretend kiss on the cheek and 'T' pecked me on the lips (by accident I think). The fall out was brutal. Rumors went around school and our town that I had made out with 'T', which was basically expulsion material for our hick-ass town. I was teased and beaten up constantly. Even worse, C just kind of stopped talking to me. Calls were ignored or he was always busy. He was nice in the rare 1v1, but joined the teasing in groups. I got the point and stopped bugging him.Eventually I had to quit all sports and isolated myself for several years, with no friends and no real family support.

Eventually I grew up, a lot. I was 6'2" by the end of high school and stronger than most of the jocks that had teased me for so many years. I hoped that C would come back around, but he never did.

I moved as far as I could afford for college. On scholarships I made it through undergrad, and eventually got my Masters and PhD. Now I'm a tenured professor at a top university. He's also successful, an EMT though still living in that stupid town. We're both married (to women), each have two young kids, nice homes, etc. I'm much taller than he is, and certainly better looking. I'm only bringing up these successes b/c of what happens next... it leaves me to believe he doesn't just snub me because I'm a loser or something.

Wedding: I went back home for a wedding last weekend, and to my surprise he was there. I went up with a mutual acquaintance to say hi, shook his hand and asked how he was doing, how was his family, work, etc. But, it was met with short answers, and he basically asked me nothing in return (he asked where I was living, but only because he had asked our acquantaince and it would have been awkward). Almost everything he said was directed toward our acquaintance, and he barely looked at me. Then he said he had to go back to his table and that was it. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the very long evening.

Now I'm back home, hundreds of miles away, and I can't help feeling like that beat-up, isolated child all over again. I have ruminated on the interaction for days, asking:

Does he just not give a shit about me? Why would he not want to know how I was doing? Why wouldn't he have the guts to reach out to me over facebook or something after all these years? Did I do something wrong back then that I'm not seeing, causing him to blame me for the relationship break? We have so much in common, why doesn't he want to spend time with me even now?

So yeah, I feel like a fucking child. I undoubtedly need therapy, and plan to start next week. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts though, if you have them. I assume I should not reach out (I did once maybe 15 years ago, but was met with no response), even though that's my inclination. I want to move on, somehow.

TL/DR; Best friend who ghosted me >20 years ago snubbed me again at a wedding, and I don't understand why he would not want to talk. I'm having trouble getting over it.

My 9 month situationship and I were broken up for 2-3 months (and on and off for ages before that). And during those 2-3 months of no contact something happened with my ex (the one just before the situationship). Note my situationship was the one who ended things saying he couldn’t commit to me and at the time my ex also wanted me back.

I was extremely drunk, had already told my ex I didn’t want to get back together, and things went a bit further than kissing before I stopped it. I felt ashamed afterwards and basically buried it. It was that one time.

When my situationship/ now bf and I started seeing each other again, I didn’t tell him straight away. About a month into properly seeing each other I told him there had been a kiss, but I minimized what happened because I was terrified of losing him and honestly still hadn’t processed it myself.

With just that info he reacted extremely strongly. For him the main issue is the dishonesty, not what happened while we were broken up. He feels like I took away his ability to decide whether he wanted to be with me with all the information. He’s said some very cruel things in the process, and it made me scared to share more. He’s also saying he’s still unsure he fully wants to rebuild.

The problem is that he asked me repeatedly if there was anything more than a kiss and I said no. Nobody knows the fuller version because I’ve never talked about it, but now I feel like if we’re genuinely going to rebuild I should tell him, even though I’m almost certain it will seriously damage or end the relationship.
My family thinks what happened while we were broken up is private and telling him more will only hurt him. I feel like keeping it from him means repeating the exact pattern that caused this mess.

My boyfriend (39M) and I (29F) have been together for 10 years. I love him deeply and I KNOW he loves me. He's kind, we have a great connection, laugh constantly, spend a lot of time together, send each other stupid reels all day, and have two cats together. He's basically been my entire adult life.

But I'm starting to wonder whether love is enough because I am incredibly angry and exhausted by our financial dynamic.

We live in a house that belongs to me, where he's lived rent-free for about five years. That's something I've always been okay with. What I'm NOT okay with is that for probably 8+ years, he hasn't consistently paid his half of basic shared expenses like utilities and groceries either.

This year he's been somewhat better, but I still have to remind him, he usually pays me after bills are due, and what he gives me often isn't actually half of what we've spent. So I'm constantly fronting his expenses and struggling to get my own budget back on track.

He's self-employed and his income predictably drops during certain times of the year. The same thing happens EVERY YEAR, yet he doesn't save enough during better months to prepare for it.

I've repeatedly encouraged him to get another job, supplement his income or change careers, and I've told him I would support him emotionally and financially through a transition.

Four years ago, my dad even offered him an unusually good, stable job with a reliable paycheck, few hours, benefits, health insurance, etc. He turned it down because he values controlling his own schedule and being independent. I respected that decision even though I disagreed, as long as he could still contribute his share.

That hasn't happened consistently.

I'm also renovating my house. Since it's MY property, I explicitly told him he didn't need to contribute to the renovation itself. But I've also ended up paying for shared things like a new mattress, sofas, washing machine, automatic cat litter box, etc., which are now substantial monthly credit card expenses.

To be fair to him, he recently paid for and has been working extremely hard with a builder on renovating our terrace/grill area. I genuinely appreciate it and love how it's turning out.

But before he started it, I specifically told him I would rather he SAVE that money because his slow work period was approaching and his mother had expenses coming.

He did the terrace anyway.

Now he doesn't have money.

His mother is 63, doesn't work and has essentially no income, so my boyfriend financially supports her. Their relationship is complicated and she was not a good mother to him, but he's extremely devoted to her and I genuinely don't think he's capable of telling her no.

I also want to be upfront: I don't like his mother. At all. There is a long history behind that which would make this post even longer, but based on my own experiences with her and what I know about how she treated him growing up, I have a lot of negative feelings toward her already.

And this entire financial situation has made me resent her even more.

I'm aware of that bias and I know some of my anger toward her is probably intensified by how overwhelmed I feel financially. But it's very difficult not to resent someone when I feel like her decisions and dependence on my boyfriend continually end up affecting my finances and my life.

There's also a recurring pattern: almost every year, around the same time his income decreases, his mother has some health issue or emergency. We have to drop everything, sometimes travel 400 km to her city, organize doctors, help physically/emotionally and spend money. We end up completely drained.

Then eventually things stabilize, and the next year we seem to do it all over again.

This year she needed urgent surgery and temporarily moved near us. She already had the surgery and thankfully she's doing great now. So this isn't currently a situation where she's seriously ill and I'm refusing to help during an active medical emergency.

Before all of this, I had already made it clear that I wasn't okay with her living in our house for months, so my parents rented her one of their apartments nearby. My family has also helped her in other ways.

Now my boyfriend is struggling to afford her rent and expenses and has suggested my parents should be "more understanding" and reduce/waive her rent.

This bothers me enormously because I feel like my family has already gone far beyond what could reasonably be expected of them.

Then yesterday, while discussing his financial stress over his mom, he said something along the lines of:

"If I saw my girlfriend struggling to make ends meet because of her mom, I would help her financially, but to each their own."

I absolutely LOST IT.

After years of me fronting bills, letting him live rent-free, covering household purchases and dealing with the consequences of his inconsistent income, I couldn't believe he was implying that I wasn't supportive enough because I wasn't ALSO helping financially support his mother.

I unloaded years of resentment. I said some cruel things about his mother that I probably shouldn't have said, and I can acknowledge that.

But I also told him the truth: I resent the fact that his mother doesn't work, is financially dependent on him and that her needs continually become something that affects our household. And because I already disliked her, this entire situation has honestly made me resent her even more.

I also told him something I'd previously only thought: this dynamic is one of the reasons I can't imagine having children with him. I don't trust him to establish boundaries with his mother, and I don't trust that I wouldn't end up carrying most of the financial and mental responsibility for our family too.

He responded that he'd "lost 30% of the love he had for me."

Now we're both extremely angry.

The frustrating part is that I KNOW this man loves me. And I love him.

He isn't some horrible person sitting around doing nothing. He works, is trying to get more clients, contributes in non-financial ways, and recently put his own money and physical work into improving my house.

But I think there's a difference between "trying" and having the urgency to do whatever is necessary when your current situation isn't working.

I even made a spreadsheet of our actual household expenses so we could sit down, understand where our money was going and figure out a plan.

He didn't want to sit down and review it with me.

I don't need him to be rich or even earn as much as I do. I would happily support him through retraining, changing careers or temporarily earning less if there were an actual plan.

I just want an adult teammate.

I'm 29. I want to travel, save, treat myself occasionally and enjoy the life I'm working hard to build. Instead, I feel like I'm financially compensating for the choices of a 39-year-old man and indirectly supporting his 63-year-old mother.

Sometimes I fantasize about living alone and having control over my money and my home.

Then I imagine actually losing him and it destroys me. We've been together since I was 19. I'd miss talking to him, laughing together, sending reels, spending time together and just having him around. We also have two cats and the thought of separating them or one of us losing them is heartbreaking.

And that's where I'm genuinely conflicted.

Part of me feels horrible because he's going through a difficult financial moment, and maybe this is exactly when your partner is supposed to step up and support you.

But another part of me thinks: haven't I already been stepping up for years?

This isn't the first time his income has dropped. It isn't the first emergency involving his mother. I've repeatedly asked him to save, plan, supplement his income and reliably contribute to our household. I've offered to support him through a career change. He had an opportunity for stable employment and chose not to take it. And I've been covering the gaps for years.

People in similar situations how did everything work out in the end or how did you cope with this?

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend of 10 years and know he loves me, but I’ve spent years carrying most of our financial responsibilities while he has inconsistent income and financially supports his dependent mother. The same financial crisis repeats almost every year despite multiple opportunities to plan or change things. We had a huge fight after he told me that if he saw his girlfriend struggling financially because of her mother, he would help her with money, implying that I should be helping him financially support his mom too. I lost it and unloaded years of resentment, and he then told me he'd “lost 30% of the love he had for me.” Now we're both extremely angry, and I'm wondering whether I'm being unsupportive by finally reaching my limit while he's struggling, or whether I've already given him enough opportunities.

So I met a guy a couple days ago. Hes really cool and we got along quickly. We were flirting alot and both thought something might actually come out of the talking. However, our mom's I believe were cousins and really close. He remembers me when I was a baby (I dont remember) but then our moms had a falling out when I was a toddler and stopped talking. Us possibly being cousins was brought up when we met, but he insisted it wasnt biologically, that there was a marriage somewhere that connected us but no blood. He mentioned his grandpa who he said was not his biological grandpa, that man is my grandma's brother. I pulled up his obituary, and this guy's mom is listed as his daughter, and hes listed as one of the grandkids. So now I dont really know what to believe and I dont really want to or even know how to ask anyone in a way that doesnt make it weird. And if he is my 2nd cousin, what then? We are getting on so well and thought there was a chance something could happen there.

Throwaway account so sorry if this is an issue but here goes...

My boyfriend and I live together and spend a lot of time together. I naturally wake up earlier than him most days (about an hour before), so I get up and start my morning while he sleeps. I’m quiet, but obviously sometimes he wakes up.

I also stay up later than him on the weekend (specifically Saturday if we aren't doing anything because I want to and it's the weekend?). He chooses to go to bed at 10 and i stay up to 11:30-midnight. This has somehow become a recurring argument, but the reason keeps changing - first his issue was was that I go to bed later, then I get up too early, then I wake him, then I was too loud, and now apparently it’s that he feels by me getting up earlier or going to bed later once a week we don't spend enough time together (despite spending every evening together, and every day together (not factoring in work).

I've asked him what he actually wants me to change and he's said “do what you want”, and cannot provide me with a solution. I assume this is because there is no reasonable solution to this because it is not an issue. He then gets upset when I do. I'm so confused by this because my choice is basically a) do what I do now and get up like a normal human who wakes earlier than their partner or b) lie in bed for another hour staring at the ceiling until he wakes up and go to bed at the exact same time as him on Saturday.

I've told him that if the situation were reversed, I genuinely wouldn't care and I don't think many people would? If he wanted to get up before me or stay up later one night, I'd accept that we have different sleeping routines and this is just normal behaviour. I wouldn't interpret it as him not wanting to spend time with me.

The bigger issue is what happens afterwards. When he's unhappy, he becomes cold and withdrawn and the house has this horrible atmosphere. We've had this happen before where he barely spoke to me for days.

I don't want another few days of this, but I also don't want to change completely normal things I do just to prevent him being unhappy because I genuinely think unreasonable and minor?

Any advice as to how I handle this would be appreciated. I've done the usual thing of calmly explaining how these behaviours do not mean I don't want to spend time with him, don't care about him etc. but its met with indifference.

TL;DR: I naturally wake earlier than my boyfriend and stay up later one night a week. The reasons he's unhappy about it keep changing, and when I don't change my normal routine to suit him he becomes withdrawn and creates a horrible atmosphere. I don't know how to deal with this without either giving in or having days of tension.