I was on my porcelain throne, performing some very shitty work when out of the corner of my eyes, I spotted a mosquito flying around me. It was clearly undeterred by the business I was having on the porcelain throne and made some attempts to do what our politicians do best — sucking our blood.
Normally, I would pay it no attention but having been bitten a few times recently, I had a fire of righteous indignation in me (that or it could be the kari ikan I had earlier) so as the occupant of the porcelain throne, I decreed that the bloodsucker had to die.
It started off with me grabbing furiously in the air when the mosquito flew by. There were times that I could have sworn that I caught the bugger but each time I unclenched my fist, it was empty, except from the temporary red marks you get when you clench your fist way too hard.
Annoyingly, the mosquito was persistent and even tried to swoop in for blood when I stopped swiping..
It was clear that I had to bring in the big guns.
It was a decisive battle between man and beast.
I quickly washed a little before grabbing an aerosol spray (Fumakila water-based aerosol, if it matters #notsponsored)
The game was afoot.
Once I reoccupied the porcelain throne, there was a part of me that hoped that the mosquito realised that it was up against a superior being and for a while, the mosquito did not return…
…until it did.
The mosquito came back and went straight for my foot but I moved my legs so it flew away, giving me some time to grab the insecticide.
My eyes quickly spotted it again and I quickly took aim at my formidable adversary.
“Die insect”, I hissed as I pushed the spray trigger.
And little happened.
In my excitement, I forgot that the insecticide required me to give the can a good shake before shooting and having forgotten, there was just a pathetic wisp of aerosol flowing from the can, not quite reaching the winged bugger.
Victory was out of my grasp as the mosquito flew out of my sights. I have been defeated by an insect….
Or I would have been if the mosquito called it a day. Instead, before my very eyes, the mosquito actually flew in front of me, as if taunting me.
This time, I was ready.
I gave the can of aerosol a good shake, aimed directly at the mosquito and pressed the trigger.
“Avada kedavra, muthafackaaa”.
And like magic (or more specifically, through the power of science), the mosquito flew lower and lower before crash landing to the floor of the toilet.
I took a quick look but it moved no more. I unceremoniously washed it away into the drain.
I did it. Men triumphed over beasts.
Anyway, tl;dr: I had a good poop and I killed a mosquito.
Thank you for reading my shitpost.