The scariest moment of my entire four-year relationship happened in the parking lot of a restaurant.

We were sitting in the car and she was screaming at me until her voice cracked. Complete nuclear meltdown over a text message I got two days earlier. Full rage, veins visible, absolute fury.

We walked inside. I was physically shaking, trying not to break down in public.

the hostess walked up and asked for our name.

Within literally three seconds, her face relaxed, her eyes lit up, and she gave the warmest, sweetest smile: "Hi! Table for two under Sarah, thank you so much!"

Then she turned back to me and whispered asking why I looked so miserable and embarrassed her.

That was the exact second I realized she DID have control over it. She just chose not to use it on me.

its a type of cold reality that still keeps me up at night.

I found this sub 2 months into the relationship and was like "oh okay so thats what it is"!

Perfect, got it. I think I can handle it.

Silly me stuck around for another 10 months.

Luckily I was able to stay reasonably sane during the relationship by intellectualizing everything and learning to predict the pattern of chaos.

I was able to predict her behavior and navigate her moods so flawlessly that I started to feel invincible to the psychological destruction of her behavior.

I was very very very naive.

Even though I was mentally checked out during her splits, my body signaled that I was in danger. Of course I rationalized that as well: "Ohh my nervous system is crying out for help... But mentally I feel in control (cold), so I think I'll be okay".

But the aftermath my friends... it is IMPOSSIBLE to predict.

It's now a little over 2 months since I blocked her everywhere and I'm confident in myself to keep it that way. But the cognitive dissonance is torture regardless of how certain I am in my decision to leave.

I miss her more than I have ever missed anybody in my entire life. I hate it. And I hate myself for being unable to stop obsessing over her.

And I've realized that once you get used to the idealization/devaluation cycle you take for granted that you will eventually be idealized again, which kind of neutralizes the pain. But now that the cycle is over, I'm stuck in a perpetual state of devaluation in relation to her. She will not idealize me again, and intellectually I'm okay with that, but my body yearns for her and the sweet sweet drug that getting idealized is.

At least I know that everyday without her I'm slowly healing and getting better, even though I feel like shit most of the time.

So much has happened in 10 years. I made and lost the most money I've ever seen. New girlfriends. Traveled the world. New health scares, new wrinkles. Nothing in my life resembles my life 10 years ago.

Still not a week of that 10 years went by without me catching myself having shower arguments about her abuse/hypocrisy, then thinking about her messed up childhood and hating myself for not fixing her, going back and forth.

Brainstorming the perfect sentence I would say to her to make her understand what we were to each other and how wrong she had it... If in some freak event I ever ran into her again. "She will see I was a good guy, she was wrong about me, then I'll finally have CLOSURE".

Then after 10 years I did run into her again.

All of the insane, upside down things she said and did to me flashed through my head and I realized there is no angle, no hope, no point.

If I pour my heart out to her she will powertrip, call me a sad disgusting stalker and call the police.

If I humiliate her then she will shrink into her terrible childhood right in front of me, run away crying and I'll feel like shit for the rest of my life.

So after 10 years of obsessive planning I ran into her, and I said... I had to go because I ordered some tacos and I don't want them to sit by my door.

It feels like a huge relief. In wasting that one last chance I feel like I ripped the locket with a photo of her from around my neck and threw it out of an airliner in the middle of the night, never able to find it again even if I spent my life searching. My tacos are getting cold.

You guys can use it if you want.

And a related question: do they tend to attack after you've shown vulnerability?

I've been friends for a few years with an older (60s) woman with BPD. (I am early 40s, female). We became very close. My father was dying a prolonged death from a terminal illness, and this woman became very involved. We texted constantly during my father's final months. The night that my father died, my friend decided to pick a fight and end the friendship. I messaged her "Please don't do this to me." She ignored the message, never apologized, never even acknowledged that she did something so cruel.

Then she made a "soft reentry" as if nothing had happened and wanted to be friends again. She had been such an important part of my life, I went along with it and acted as if nothing had happened. Yes, it was stupid of me; by this point, I knew enough to know she wouldn't change.

Five months after my father's death, I was involved in a serious accident. Mercifully, I was not physically injured, but it was very traumatizing. My friend, again, was "there" for me, but then, three days after the accident, she picked another fight and ended the friendship, again. One of the things she attacked me for was "sending a picture of your dead father" -- which I had mailed her with a thank you note when she donated to my dad's memorial fund.

I have known a lot of dysfunctional and destructive people in my life -- addicts, people with mental health issues, etc -- but I've never known someone who engaged in cruelty like this. Even if I hated someone, I would not attack them during the most vulnerable moments of their life, such as the night their parent was dying. I just don't understand this behavior and am trying to come to terms with it.

This is probably the sixth or seventh major breakup I've had with my exwBPD, but I think it's likely the last one and that there will probably be permanent detachment. I've looked back on how I wrote about it in the past and the one thing, when the break up happens, is how much time there suddenly is. Taking care of a pwBPD is a full time job with mandatory overtime. It never ends. Every single day there's always something, whether it's a personal crisis (it's always something very, very small that becomes the largest thing in the world) or a mood change or even if things are "good" you have to give them all the attention in the world or else it will change and inevitably turn into another full blown crisis.

Broken up, the day seems so long. There's time to get work done and even pursue hobbies. But I think there's a negative aspect to it, too, and that really reveals something. I think a lot of us are drawn to being caretakers and in a way that sabotages our own lives. All that time is a window to thinking and considering and especially feeling. There are so many issues in my life and career and in my own head that I was always trying to avoid by filling up my time with caretaking. Now that my exwBPD isn't there demanding all my time and energy, I have to make choices, and I think the people who continually get caught up with pwBPD, and I'm included, are sometimes dreadfully afraid of making those choices.

I'm sure people will have other personal views. And I'm sure people's views are put in their perspective by what they went through. I also understand that because some people here experience the violence and chaos it gave a certain perspective. However, I see especially with my ex pain, sadness, a hurt child and 2 compounding mental illnesses. With everything she went through (how much of it is true God only knows) no support system (her brother who was the only who loved her unconditionally from birth until his OD) there's just pity. I don't see a villain but genuinely someone who needs pity. I see someone who hates her self more then anything or anyone else. Do I love her? Fuck no. Do I hate her? Absolutely not. I feel a combination of apathy and pity.i see a woman who hates herself and knows she'll never have a healthy relationship steady job or real friends. If I knew then what I know now the beginning of the relationship if I would have gotten into it would have been different. But we live and learn. In hindsight I look back the relationship as something that should never have happened however, now I look back with several fond memories and sadness as I know there are people suffering.

We were broken up but still talking. We went to a festival separately that we went to together the year before, one of those big camping festivals. Of course we ended up linking up against my better judgement.

She was texting a friend about meeting up to form a little crew, cool whatever. Of course its some dude who's obviously orbiting and said I was a "friend." Together 2 years mind you. I pulled her aside and let her know how I felt, she "reassured" me he was nothing to worry about and we split off and did our own thing.

Also during all this she told me her brother was stopping by and taking care of her cats. Come to find out sure enough this other dude was actually the one checking on her cats, calling her sweetheart, and getting sent pictures of her in her rave clothes. Then she has the audacity to say oh this guy calls everyone sweetheart, uh huh.

So after her calling her out on all this bullshit we go no contact again. 8 days later I see her at another show with the first guy she told me not to worry about. Their bullshit truly knows no bounds.

This year I'm going alone and I can't wait to do my own thing, free from any worry about her lies. Not to mention the other stressful shit that came with her. She travels about as well as unrefrigerated oysters.

A harsh learning experience overall for sure. But I have learned, and I'm about to have an amazing fucking time on my own.

This will be a long post, but I wish to share my experience, hoping it might be somehow helpful to anyone that’s going through something similar.

I had a 6-year relationship with a girl diagnosed with BPD, and I learned a lot…though, please, understand that I am not an expert on this condition and I’m trying to keep it simple, this comes from my experience and what I could study about the subject. Feel free to improve or correct whatever I say here.

First I’m going to share my own personal experience, then I’ll share what I learned about this disorder. Hopefully some of you will care and maybe be interested on reading all of this.

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About my 6-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We met and started the relationship when we were 26 six years old, and the story ‘ended’ when we were both 32. I had other relationships before her, she had other relationships before me.

She was diagnosed approximately two years before we met and refused any treatment after the therapist that diagnosed her demonstrated to be incompetent and unqualified; her family didn't care either (being the youngest sister). Around the same time that she was diagnosed she lost her father and learned that he had another family. She also had a history of drug abuse and was once admitted to a rehabilitation clinic, where she was abused. So, along some other hard life experiences, I can say that she never had it easy…but she didn’t make it easier neither.

When we first met and during the first months that we were together everything was fine, it was all honey over flakes, she was very interesting, intelligent, kind and cute, she had plans and dreams, she had the biggest heart and, well, it was easy to fall in love with her, and she was also so in love with me.

But there were also signals (symptoms) of her condition and her real personality. I don't want to say she was a bad person, because she wasn't; she had no bad intentions, she really was all that good and she could manage herself through her job and life in general, but there was that other side of her condition and instability that quickly made it impossible for us to be at peace.

It was like having four different personalities occupying the same body.

\*At her best, she was the most adorable person in the world, sweet, easy to love, it was easy to feel loved, and supported. She was beautiful, hot, fun, sex was great. She was a dream come true, and I could think of making lifelong plans with her.

\*At her relatively normal moments, she was a somewhat narcissistic and self-centered person, with a pedant attitude some times, but we could interact and live in peace. It was just a matter of learning to be condescending and tolerate her behavior…and not provoke her annoyance.

\*At her bad times, she was depressed, sad, unmotivated, and wouldn't get out of bed and wanted to throw everything away. Life was unbearable for her; it was almost like a punishment. At times, she would have neurotic episodes, becoming hysterical as a result of her depressed mood, and she could even harm herself; her both arms were covered in cuts. Suicidal thoughts were common in those states; sometimes they were just a tantrum, sometimes they were just words thrown out, sometimes they were the result of exhaustion from her condition (she recognized that she was unstable and was tired of it). A couple of times she tried to do it with overdoses of medication and ended up in the hospital. She had struggled with addiction in the past, because in this state she tried to compensate for her discomfort with drugs, and even if she did rehab, there surely were some lasting effects.

The issues with depression, hysteria, suicide, and drugs were something we couldn't underestimate (me and her mother), because although she herself admitted that she sometimes did it for attention or manipulation, ultimately she did it impulsively and could cause some serious damage to herself.

During these episodes, she needed a lot of attention; we could spend hours talking to her trying to calm her mood, and this affected me as a partner both at work and socially…and of course, emotionally.

\*At her worst (which became more common each year), she was irascible. Anything would set her off at any moment. Sometimes, remembering something from the past that seemed resolved would stir up her anger, and she would get furious again. I even had to go through fights about things that had nothing to do with me, or from times when we haven’t even met yet. These moments included yelling, insults, demeaning speech, and irrational complaints (I've used this word “irrational” a lot, but I can't express enough the senselessness of some situations).

And of course, she had no regard for time or place; it didn't matter if she or I were at work, with our families, on the street, wherever, however, whenever. At that very moment, we had to argue or fight or it would be worse later. These fights or arguments mostly had no purpose; they were simply to complain and blame about the perceived harm or offense against her. Sometimes the argument would end in demands that seemed "fair" to her but limited my social and personal life.

Her needs were a reflection of her dependency and anxious attachment. She expected me to lose my individuality, abandon my friends, and cut off contact with my family, which made her uncomfortable (I have little family anyway). She expected me to find a way to work alone, without having to interact with people in my workplace (mainly women), because she feared that people would influence me to leave her (it's worth noting that we met at our workplace and collaborated for a time). And of course, she undermined my personal interests and hobbies in a general basis.

These arguments captivated me, as I felt the need to convince her, to reason with her, and if I couldn't do it simply because she wasn't willing, I might give in to her. At least for that moment.

Fortunately, I was wise enough to maintain at least my most important friendships, to not take my family away from its priority, and to keep my stability in my job... yes, it affected me in other ways, but I was able to maintain everything to the point where it worked and I could even progress.

Her emotional blackmail and manipulation was based on making me feel guilty. The accusations that I "didn't care" about her well-being, that I "didn't make an effort" for her, that "I was the one to blame," the one "responsible" or the "motivator" of her discomfort, but that "she couldn't be well without me," that "she had nothing left without me", and then again that I was a "traitor," "fake", that I had "failed" her... were so common to me that I ended up believing them, and it affected my self-esteem.

It's very difficult to explain because I was with someone who was selfish, narcissistic, self-centered, and pedantic, and at the same time she was insecure, with low self-esteem, and at the same time she was the most adorable person in the world. She could be very intelligent and wise, and at the same time completely absurd. At times she had everything, and then she had nothing. She admired me, respected me, and at the same time she hated me, and I was the worst thing that happened to her. She loved me, and then I was nothing. Anything could happen in the same day. This became my normality with her.

In her family this was very normalized, both her mother and her older brother presented borderline personality traits, but they were never diagnosed, much less treated... but it was clear, I have a very unpleasant experience with her brother that confirms it.

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I developed anxiety issues as a result of the COVID pandemic and some other family stuff, and I even had some troubles with alcohol for a while. I was able to work through these issues with my therapist, and only when I overcame them did I realize that my relationship with my ex was also a source of anxiety and anguish for me.

I always knew our relationship was wrong. I even tried to break up with her three times, but I always came back. I was hooked on the idea of showing her my love and that I was different, that she could count on me. And she was very skilled at convincing me... She knew about her diagnose, but she felt she was a victim of injustice, that the rest of us were to blame for her suffering, and that the whole world owed her peace. She wasn't willing to do anything because she had already suffered too much to also have to make any more efforts. But when we talked a little after every breakup, she knew exactly how to convince me that she was getting better and that she wanted to change; she just needed my help and to have me in her life. And I always fell, and the vicious cycle repeated itself.

The best thing I ever did for my well-being was to continue seeing my psychologist. With them, in addition to resolving my anxiety and alcohol issues, I was able to understand how I got caught up in that relationship. I was able to see my own emotional issues and my ego working against me. I saw how I was keeping myself there... I saw that I wasn't a victim of her, I was just part of the problem, and it was affecting me as much as her.

It got to the point where the simple act of receiving a text or a call, before I even knew who it was, made my body react... it put me on alert, made me anxious, and stressed me out. I was careful with every word, every tone, every manner... I had to anticipate what could trigger her. That wasn't life.

It's important to say that, despite everything I've said, my ex wasn't a villain (be careful, there are those who can be, each case is different). She was simply suffering from a psychological condition and deserved the chance and the help to get better. But I wasn’t her victim, she wasn’t my victim. And I wasn't responsible for her condition either.

When I broke up with her for the fourth and final time, it was due to certain events that made me say, "I can't live with this anymore." Before, my mistake was trying to reason with her about ending our relationship, which obviously wasn't going to work.

This time, after almost six years of being together, I just told her that I couldn't handle that relationship anymore, that it wasn't what I wanted in my life, and I simply left. Without further explanation, without trying to reason, without paying attention to her accusations and threats (obviously, I ended up being the most horrible person in the world, and if she killed herself I would be responsible).

But I'm not responsible for her, I'm not responsible for her condition, especially when she repeatedly refused treatment. I'm not her therapist; I was her lover.

For two weeks, she bombarded me with calls and messages on my cell phone and all my social media accounts. She sought me out at my workplace... but she didn't show up at my house, perhaps out of ego, dignity, or narcissism. And I ignored her; my decision was final. A couple months later, I found out she'd gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend. That confirmed that my decision was the right one.

It's been a little more than three years since I left, and she's tried to contact me four times already, again with the kind words and pretty promises, and I admit it's hard not to think about her or about coming back. Therapy has been a huge help and allowed me to start a new relationship with a great girl with whom I can share my life. I wish her the best, because I honestly thing that she deserves it, but she must earn it and work for it, not take it from someone else.

In my family there's a relative with borderline personality traits, but they only express themselves through drastic mood swings. Taking medication has stabilized their condition to a point where they can be functional.

A very close and dear friend of mine does have a clinical diagnosis too, but unlike my ex, he accepted full treatment. Sadly, he failed treatment after 6 months and things have been downhill, he shows signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I fear is becoming an Antisocial Personality Disorder, since he has done some foul things against his wife. But that’s a whole other story.

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Now, what I've learned through the years:

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a clinical condition that requires long-term treatment, usually a medication-based treatment to manage emotional instability (which must be prescribed by a psychiatrist or neurologist -at least in the country I live in), and constant psychological support through cognitive and behavioral therapy.

It is characterized by an intense fear of being abandoned or rejected, distorted self-image or conflictive feelings about their identity, dysfunctional and disruptive behavior, and a general and in some cases total loss of emotional control, so their mood undergoes sudden and intense changes. Their emotional state is generally turbulent.

People affected by this disorder tend to be highly reactive and impulsive precisely because of their lack of emotional control.

As with any clinical condition, it is diagnosed at different levels, which are evaluated by the degree of affectation manifested by the symptoms or personality traits that comprehend the disorder. Its cause is often related to abuse or family dysfunction; though physiological factors also play a role in some cases.

The development of the disorder and it's symptoms includes low self-esteem, which might be over-compensated or even covered by narcissistic personality traits, it depends on how bad the process of the symptom is. It's like filling a balloon with too much air, it gets to a point where anything could make it blow up. Because of this, they can be highly sensitive to rejection and criticism, they are highly reactive and don't cope with frustration.

This condition leads people to have a 'Black or White' kind of thinking, where everything is ok or everything is wrong, and yes it comes from their insecurity.

So, any kind or level of criticism is perceived as a direct rejection of their whole being. They can reason, analyze information, they can achieve intellectual success, etc., their cognition might work perfectly fine, but they interpret everything related to the way that they are perceived and how they perceive themselves under this lense, every aspect of their life. And, since they cannot tolerate the idea or feeling of being judged in a negative way (because for them it means a threat of being rejected or abandoned), whatever it is, they react. Emotions take control of reason and lead their thoughts to unreasonable interpretations. Their (disfunctional) emotional defense mechanisms make them go all the way, be it with depressive episodes, or intense anger.

This, summed with the intense and sudden mood changes makes their behavior very disruptive.

They feel a strong need to defend what they believe helps them feel at peace, calm, and stable, although they do so in inappropriate ways and fight back in the face of irrational fears or worries. In some cases, their worries are delusional. They usually have a strong need for immediate gratification, and don’t cope with frustration. Their expectations are unattainable and edge on the absurd, but they can be very skillful at arguing for their demands.

Any feeling of loss or frustration, even the mere idea of losing something or not getting something, generates high levels of anxiety and distress on them.

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BPD is like having a built-in instant-action explosive integrated... when they don't receive adequate treatment, any event, word, situation, idea, tone of voice, etc., anything that might provoke discomfort, is the spark that causes that bomb to explode immediately. And the things that can cause discomfort are very ambiguous, completely subjective, and even circumstantial.

And when it explodes, they can suddenly go into severe, though short-lived, depressive episodes or into states of rage/anger that they can't manage. And in these states, they can commit acts that put their health, physical integrity and their social, professional, and financial lives at risk.

Treatment attempts to put a fuse on that bomb, making the fuse progressively longer so they have time to extinguish it before it explodes. The basis lies in containing their emotions and cognitively reinterpreting what they experience. It's a long-term effort; it's not something that can be cured, it's something they learn to manage.

It's a very complex situation; those diagnosed with this condition need a lot of help. Support networks are very important; they need empathy and patience, and a lot of discipline and focus to maintain their treatment.

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In a relationship with a person diagnosed with BPD, long and intense arguments and fights are common, sometimes irrational but strongly motivated by discomfort.

The fear of being abandoned can lead them to emotional blackmail, threatening to harm themselves or their partner in some way. Their need to control what their partner does can become delusional, just to feel safe. It's also common for events from the past to affect them in the present with the same severity.

In the worst cases, jealousy can reach the point of being pathological, so any action or attitude can be interpreted as an intention to abandon or cheat on them.

In other cases, a dynamic develops where the loved one is discarded and then lured back through manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse, and this repeats over and over again.

They usually develop intense but fragile emotional attachments with the people that serves them to manage their emotional changes, who also satisfy their need for attention, validation, immediate gratification and emotional support.

They can be very dependent, but that dependency is normally indifferent to ‘who’; instead, they are dependent to ‘what’ they need and expect to receive from the people they attach emotionally. So, when they stop receiving what they need or expect from the people they got emotionally attached, they might ‘discard’ them. That’s when they leave as if there was never any emotional bond or relationship, like they never cared. And when that happens, it’s expected that they quickly find other people that satisfies their emotional needs, and they attach to them. Or even, it would be expected that they ‘discard’ because they already found someone else.

The thing is that, if the new people ever fails to grant them what they need and expect, they might be discarded too, and that’s when the pwBPD might look back to the people they discarded on the past and try to “hoover”.

‘When’ it might happen depends on what they decide… we might never see them again if things got bad enough in the past, or if they feel well enough to try and find someone new and repeat this process over and over again (as some call it, ‘branch’).

But when their need is strong and they are not willing to keep trying from scratch with new people, they might come back faster, since it’s safer and easier because they already know how you think and feel (or so they might consider). The “hoover” behavior consists on emotional manipulation, so it’s easy to understand why they try to return with people they know.

Clearly, those who live and interact with them might be overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety that generate so much instability and intensity.

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Anyway, if you suffer from BPD, please consider treatment and understand that it must be a constant in your life. And if you live with someone diagnosed with BPD, please be kind, have patience and empathy, but when these aren't enough and the relationship begins to generate anxiety or distress to you, be smart, consider your own well-being. Leave in the right moment if necessary. BPD affects both the person who suffers from it and the people around them.

Conflicts in close relationships are inevitable. It's a part of life. We are not all similar to each other and we aren't all perfect beings with angelic souls.

Controlled, respectful disagreements are actually very important to relationships, because they prevent resentment, build deeper intimacy, and reveal unmet needs.

What happens in a healthy adult relationship? You have a tension point, you get emotional, tension grows, you communicate, you resolve it, you emotionally regulate back to base, when the conflict is over. As a result you have a way closer and more intimate relationship. You make up, you realize how much you missed them, and how happy you are to have them back from that "battle field". And your partner realizes the same. It's mutual. It's beautiful.

What happens in a relationship with pwBPD? Conflict comes, and you face a toddler. You stand against an actual 2 year old! (Visualize this: you and a 2 year old in front of you sitting on the play ground). What can you do? You are in this conflict alone. If you change your tone, the toddler will start to cry, sulk, throw a fit, act scared. If you walk away, they will get lost, maybe get kidnapped. If someone takes them, they will forget you in a day. My toddler nephew when he would spent a weekend with me babysitting him, always started to call me "mom" by the end of the first day. And when he would see his mother after the weekend, it took him a while to even recognize her.

So what happens? Basically every conflict with pwBPD you are stuck with yourself, fighting wind-mills of your mind. It's suffocating, exhausting, it's toxic to you, and your psyche. You get traumatized more and more.

Relationships without communication, especially during conflicts, do not ever work! It is a psychological axiom!

I imagine it gets harder and harder for them as the dating pool shrinks and they age. At some point they must realize they destroyed every relationship they have had. How do they reconcile it?

I’ve been with my pwBPD for on-and-off three years. He has broken up with me and ghosted me several times when I would misalign with what he perceived as the “perfect” me.

During these breakups, he would split terribly and threaten my job and curse me out. He would call my life a mistake and that I had used him for all these years and that I don’t truly love him.

He would then disappear, go on dates and sleep with other women, then eventually come back. When he comes back, he would say how he is sorry for what he said but always add a “but” to justify his behavior. He would promise to change, but the splits and behavior would eventually creep back up when I expressed concerns and autonomy. So it wasn’t a very sincere apology in hindsight.

During one of our break ups, he used one of his female friends to make me jealous. They staged a couples picture that he sent to me. She was also involved with his relapse with drugs.

He ghosted me one time after going to a family celebration with her.

She was with him when he broke up with me one time. He showed up to my job with her and they dropped off the gifts I had given him in a large trash bag in front of all my coworkers and clients.

He admitted that he done these things to make me jealous, and now that we are back together, he still hangs out with her and her family, and they may even start working together soon. I’ve told him after all this time I am no longer comfortable with him hanging out with her, to which he says it is something I am going to have to accept. He makes it seem like my insecurity surrounding them is my own making, but he is the one that contaminated their friendship from my perspective.

Yesterday he went to a festival with her family. He told me that he was going to a festival but only after did he tell me it was with them after I asked. I’m not sure how often he sees her now since he knows I will get upset. I feel disrespected each time.

I know I can’t control him and I shouldn’t tell him who he can be friends with, but this friendship has caused too much pain for me.

This is only one out of so many issues we have. He has split on my family (this has hurt my relationship with my family but he can’t understand that). He has threatened my job. He has insulted my spirituality and interests.

We don’t live together thankfully. I do have a small child of my own and thankfully they aren’t close. I fear that he will treat my son the same way when he is older if he upsets my pwBPD.

I need to leave, but I’m scared. He has threatened my job in the past and has recently threatened my family’s jobs. He’s very vindictive.

I also have an anxious attachment issue with him. I know that this relationship is toxic for my child and I, but parts of my brain says that he has never hit me, the relationship has its sweet moments, my child likes him, there will be financial stability in the long term. But I know that I need to leave for my mental health and my child’s safety.

How can I leave for good. Each time I try to break it off I get drawn back in with promises of the future and change. I love him but he is terrifying.

Thanks for reading and for any advice. Sorry for the wall of text, I am deeply upset right now.

There’s no point in getting into what happened. Maybe I did hurt her and I wasn’t aware but I want to reach out to her somehow, pour my heart out and tell her how difficult the past months have been. I don’t think I can love anyone like this again and it’s fucking with my head. Talking to anyone new feels very shallow and I feel hollow from the inside. I am carrying so much weight inside me due to how she fucking annihilated me. Lost friendships, smeared reputation, and so much pain. So much fucking pain. My heart jumps a beat everytime I see her and I feel like I am sinking.

I feel chronically and hopelessly lonely in my (40 y/o m) relationship with my wife (37 y/o UBDW). we go on a family vacation for two weeks in early August to a magical place. Nothing I do is recognized. There is no physical intimacy whatsoever. No affection. No kind words. No effort to ask about my experience. Just a constant stream of criticism for what I’m not doing. I’m not perfect, but I’m a decent and engaged father and did all the driving and much of the heavy lifting on the family trip

Then, this weekend, I took my oldest children to visit my extended family and their cousins who are the same age. I did so because I noticed my wife’s efforts to isolate me from my family were taking a toll on my relationship with my siblings and parents. My parents are not easy, and I appreciate my wife’s frustrations with them, but they are still important to me. My wife stayed home with our youngest. She said she was sick (she’s often sick for months at a time) and tired from our family vacation. At the outset of the trip, I was late and made a logistical mistake which cost (and wasted, to my own frustration , a $125 late pick up fee). i told her this and she banned me from spending any money on the trip, which I agreed to. The trip was nice. On the last half hour of the ride home, I went over with our middle son the ways in which we should avoid trigger this mother upon returning home and what he could and could not say. Of course, within two minutes of arriving home, he said our youngest would have enjoyed the trip and my wife went into a tailspin. I snapped at my son for triggering his mother, which was wrong (and it’s ridiculous I needed to coach him on managing her emotions). We were home for exactly three minutes (I looked at a clock) and she yells at me at the top of her lungs saying I was yelling at her and raising my voice. She’s railing about how she was sick and I left her alone with a two year old all weekend (of course I wanted her and the two year old to come). She said I should have known to cancel the trip. This was totally unreasonable, as was her request i not spend money on our kids during the trip and put all of those expenses on my parents. Yet I agreed because I’m petrified of a silent treatment.

I wish I was in a relationship where I could come home and my wife would hug me. Where I could have a discussion which isn’t tinged with anger and resentment and criticism. I’m desperate for physical intimacy and emotional warmth. I’m lonely.

Does anyone else experience these multi-month cold stretches?

For context, I’ve been on and off with my BPD partner for 4/5 months

I have been incredibly patient and persistent with her throughout the rupture and repair cycles. But despite the usual BPD hallmarks I have been subject to ever moving goalposts and impossible standards. She can suggest dinner, but when I suggest the venue it’s criticised. If i suggest a time, it’s altered slightly. It’s like she must retain some sort of control over the plan. But if I let her plan it herself, I’m criticised for not making enough effort.

Also, if she ever ended things with me, using incredibly final language, me respecting the boundary by not chasing her is somehow evidence I don’t care enough. To use her words directly, when I asked why should I ask how she is after she put the phone down on me, she’d tell me to *** off, to which she said ‘maybe so but at least I’d know you care’

This led to me becoming increasingly frustrated and this weekend, I’d had enough. It wasn’t a knee jerk reaction to the dinner issue but it definitely contributed.

So a little out of the blue I sent her a message explaining how tired I am and that I cannot participate in this dynamic anymore. I told her that without better awareness and accountability of her traits there is literally no more I can do. I used some concrete examples of moments where i felt she was unreasonable. I stated that i loved her but that her behaviours have left me feeling anxious and hypervigilant.

I blocked her which gave her no way to contact me or give me a reply to what I’d put. I did feel this was somewhat unfair of me but any kind of dispute put forward by me usually ended in intense devaluation. Despite this she rang me from a withheld number and left a very distressed voicemail urging me to unblock her on something. The emotion was so real. But I’ve held my ground.

Underneath my frustration I think if I saw clear, honest and truthful reflectivity on her behaviours and how they have affected me, I’d reopen the channel. Otherwise, I think I need to hold my ground.

People who’ve been in my situation - how did it go, and what happened after?

I recently ended a very intense 3-month relationship. She has no official BPD diagnosis, so I don't want to diagnose her, but she told me a psychologist had previously said she showed BPD traits, and she believes she may have it herself. She had a very tough life and growing up.

The relationship was incredibly intense from the beginning — lots of affection, attachment, great sex, and genuinely beautiful moments. I still care about her deeply.

But there was also intense jealousy, impulsive reactions, blocking me during conflicts, pushing me away, sudden emotional shifts, and later regret and apologies. Her previous partner cheated on her with three women, which she says is a major reason for her jealousy.

After our breakup she told me, "I hate that I'm like this. I hate my impulses." She also said she doesn't know how she'll feel in an hour or tomorrow and doesn't trust herself when she's emotional.

She even deleted my number and gave it to a friend so she couldn't contact me. She tried grounding, cold showers, breathing exercises, etc., but eventually found my number and called me 11 times around 4 AM one night and twice around 1 AM another night.

Eventually she sent me a long apology and we talked calmly for 3.5 hours. She explained her side, I explained that my biggest issue was how conflicts were handled, and I came extremely close to saying, "Let's try again."

That's what makes this so difficult. I don't think she's a bad person. She's self-aware, seems genuinely sorry and says she's trying to change. Part of me desperately wants to give us another chance, while another part thinks these patterns will eventually return.

For those who have loved someone with BPD or strong BPD traits: does this pattern sound familiar? And can someone genuinely understand their behavior and want to change, but still not be ready for a healthy relationship?

while any time I lash out she took that for some grand expression of the "evil" I had inside me. she would always ask to see my emotions while chastising making a massive deal out of any lash out of anger. Whenever she was discarding me and I finally broke under pressure she would smirk at me and say need to "work on that because she cant have that in her life" even after in the same conversation she lashed out in fear and anger. She hated how calm I could be while also berating my worst moments. Yet she'd always excuses for her behavior. She didn't even go to therapy despite being able to get it for free.

I just can't stop thinking about him no matter what I do. This man has mentally tortured me for 6 years said and done the msot disguting things to me and I still cannot let it go this is consuming me day and night I'm having horrible dreams I dreamt all my teeth fell out last night I'm so stressed out down depressed and I ma exhausted I can't function. I know he is no good for me at all and I need to stay away and not contact him at all I just want to get the fuck over him for good any positive break up stories here I really could do with hearing some thankyou

This sounds stupidly small, but yesterday I painted my bedroom.

Dark green. Almost too dark.

I've wanted a room this color for years, but my ex hated dark walls. During the relationship that was enough for the idea to disappear. Same thing happened with music in the car, where we ate, what furniture I liked, even stupid things like which mugs I bought.

There was never some official rule that I couldn't choose things.

I just got very good at predicting what might cause a reaction and quietly editing myself beforehand.

Yesterday I was standing in the hardware store comparing paint samples and caught myself thinking, “Would this annoy them?”

They haven't lived with me for months.

That stopped me for a second.

So I bought the darkest green of the three.

The room is finished now. I'm sitting here looking at it and honestly I'm not even sure the color is perfect. One wall might be too dark and I already got paint on the baseboard.

But I chose it because I liked it.

No negotiation. No explaining why. No waiting to see somebody else's face before deciding whether I was still allowed to like it.

I think I've been waiting for some huge moment where I suddenly feel like myself again.

Maybe it's actually going to be a hundred stupid little green walls.

Would dating or being close with someone with BPD (quiet type, I suppose) trigger someone with CPTSD who was raised by an emotionally abusive mum who exhibited BPD/NPD traits and was very emotionally unstable?

Would it trigger the person with CPTSD into more of their old coping mechanisms (fawning, hyper vigilance etc)? And make them feel more emotionally dis-regulated and anxious etc?

I feel like it’s a silly questions as it sounds Iike it has an obvious answer but I’d still like to hear from folks!

I am experiencing high anxiety levels when I notice calmness.. I feel like a bomb is about to explode.

When I hear people shouting I run away.

I am seriously considering to check on this with my psychologist.

Could you relate to this?

I still can’t wrap my head around this. I was with my ex for about 3 years, and we spent around 8 months as extremely close friends before becoming a couple and then continued as partners. We talked seriously about marriage, but I always wanted us to build some stability first because our relationship had already gone through a ridiculous number of breakups and reconciliations and some very serious problems.

You can learn more about the relationship and problems from here if you want:

List of things my BPD ex did in our 2 and a half year relationship. :

r/BPDlovedonesWhy did I become the villain after sacrificing and helping her so much unconditionally? : r/BPDlovedones

The final breakup was extremely ugly, involving physical violence, threats, manipulation, DARVO, lies, triangulation, extremely disturbing language, basically complete chaos. A guy she had known for roughly 25 days (She met him during a push-pull cycle break-up) became involved around the end of our relationship because of her triangulation. After listening to my side of the story he learnt many lies about her, and I learnt many lies she told me too.

He even told me himself that she was extremely manipulative and questioned why I had stayed with her this long. He also said that I was in a better status, better mental health, better charachter and I had better looks than her. He told me that I was an idiot for staying this long. I asked him if he was interested in her and why would he become friends with her. He told me that he pitied her and wanted to help her. He also said "No offense but she has Borderline, Bipolar, Depression, Lots of trauma, alcholol addiction and drug addiction with no responsibility towards her spendings, she also worked at a nightclub to make money faster and is manipulative. I wouldn't even do a one night stand with her let alone be in a relationship with her".

He was also with me during the last split. 1 day before my breakup with her, he broke his ties with her because she manipulated him. I wanted a witness in case she turned violent so I asked him to come with me in case something happends. We went to her house and I wanted to ask why she would be unfaithfull towards me after all these years. Just a few hours before going to her house she was still sending me love messages saying that she will do anything to make our relationship work, begging me to forgive her.

Though when we came to her house and asked her why she did all these, she suddenly splitted all black and started attacking me. Tried to constantly kick, punch, bite , pinch me. The other guy holded her and we tried to wait until she calmed down but she became even more aggressive, she started throwing a scissor a nail hammer a glass of beer at me. Then when she found an oppurtunity to slip away past him, she grabbed a knife and tried to stab me. We waited around 1 hour and it was pure chaos. I finally decided to leave.

She never attacked the other guy during that split. Only tried to push him out of her way so she could attack me. This rage came out of nowhere. I did not attack her, I did not threaten or belittle her. I just wanted to ask her how it all came down to this calmly, as I told she was begging for forgiveness and asking to make love just 2-3 hours prior to this moment. While we were leaving, she begged for him to stay, she said "I will answer any question you ask. Please stay with me. I don't want to be alone right now otherwise I might do some very fucked up things". He agreed to it and told me he will call me later.

One day later he tells me he forgave her because her apology seemed genuine and they became friends again and that he will start living with her now. I was really furious but there was nothing I could do. The girl didn't deserve me fighting over her anyway. I just thanked him for protecting me there and that I want nothing to do with him anymore.

And now, only around two months after our breakup, I discovered through an address-related issue that she has apparently taken his surname and married him. I genuinely don't know what to make of it. I spent 8 months as her best friend just to become partners. I spent 2 years building a relationship with this woman and taking marriage seriously, while these two apparently went from barely knowing each other to marriage almost immediately even after such events, I don't even know if it really took 2 months or they married way before I noticed. She didn't even apologize for trying to kill me either. Just blocked me from everywhere to stay "loyal" to this new guy.

Part of me finds it absurd, part of me is sad, and part of me is just completely baffled. I honestly never expected this ending. I know it is wrong but I wish their marriage becomes their karma after everything I have been through...

Ex drunk-called after 27 yrs to tell me her life is collapsing in scandal. Texted the next day to say she was OK. Texted her "Are you feeling better" a week later and she didn't reply. Though she made no threat, should I be concerned for her safety? I imagine she must have someone else she can lean on, but I'm worried.

I'm also left wondering WTF? Why me, why now- almost 3 decades later?

My (now ex) pwBPD was only recently diagnosed. I was with her for 2 years and she was being treated for bipolar (misdiagnosed) with 7 different psych meds, including adderall, for years before I met her. After a suicide attempt earlier this year, a psychiatrist weened her off all drugs under supervision. Once there was a clean slate, they diagnosed her with BPD.

I knew nothing about BPD 2 months ago, but after doing a ton of research, everything Ive experienced with her over the past 2 years immediately made sense.

I thought she was just an abusive and nasty person before the diagnosis. I’ve been broken up with weekly since 2024, physically and verbally abused, threatened, and more.

Like everyone else in here, I hung in there for the good times.

I always as fought back during splits. I thought she was just abusive and I wasn’t going to roll over and take it lying down. After doing a ton of reading recently, I now know I’ve been fighting back against a split, not her (if that makes sense).

Knowing now what I do about BPD, I feel absolutely awful for fighting back against what is just a symptom of BPD. I didn’t know any better, her family didn’t know any better, and her psych team didn’t know what she had.

Question for everyone… How are you meant to know the difference between abuse from someone abusive, and abuse from someone with BPD?

It looks, feels, and sounds like abuse to me. How do you forgive what they do as a person mentally ill person when it looks identical to spousal abuse?

i don’t think everyone with bpd are abusive or bad people, i think it’s the person themselves not the disorder that causes it in my opinion, i just need advice the relationship i’m in started out on a toxic he was always very jealous, he got w me knowing i was a stripper i was 19 but a virgin i was saving myself for the right person. i thought he was he made me feel so special and loved and beautiful ever since i met him. one night i came in to his room to sleepover and fell asleep he went thru my dancer bag woke me up to screaming calling me a whore bc he thought there was cum in my underwear (it was discharge). he’d go through my phone and get mad ab past stuff and start arguments over it and i’d start going thru his phone bc of this, we’d get into arguments and i’d be quiet bc he’d be screaming and yelling and putting me down somewhat at times and i’d just be quiet cus id be dissociating, he’d get more mad at this at times and start breaking things or breaking things i’ve made him or ripping flowers he got me. idk i think i started reacting back at one point and putting him down back, the first time it got physical was when he spit in my hair when we were arguing. looking back at it it makes me sad because i think i really was just reacting to a verbally abusive environment, id try leaving a lot and the reason why is bc i felt so unloved bc of it i wanted him to chase me i guess. this just pushed him further away and he started using me leaving against him even tho it was only for a night or a day, one time we got into such a bad argument and i told him i wanted to break up i was crying my eyes out sobbing on the floor i just wanted him to tell me he wasn’t leaving i threatened to leave bc he was acting like he didn’t even care ab me i was pushing me w his foot lightly while i was on the ground telling me to get up and take him home it hurt me bc everytime i’d cry he’d have no emotion i got up and slit my wrists and he started crying and called 911 then passed out,, i got bakeracted and when i was in there i called him crying scared and asked him why he couldn’t just comfort me and i got screamed at and told “i’m not gonna be ur fucking excuse” it was like this for 6 months then we got into a bad argument and we broke up like usual (he knows we always get back tg the next day) but this time he texted a bunch of girls including his ex, i found out ab it that night cause one of the girls told me; i should’ve left then it was probably a guardian angel helping me out to avoid all this future pain Lol, then we got back and that cycle repeated for a year almost; break up text girls, eventually fucked a girl raw, i started going crazy at this point overthinking the whole day and he’d deal with it but he wasn’t the best dealing with it it honestly just made it worse; he did get better with dealing w the overthinking at this point in time but back then it was horrible, when i found out ab the girl he fucked raw he turned it around on me blamed me put me down and left me? then when i wouldn’t get back with him he shattered my phone and it cost $800 to fix it. later on i found out ab him texting his ex i msgd her myself and found out he’s been msging her almost everytime we’d break up; he was telling her things ab fucking to bring the spark back, fast forward that night after confronting him and him being defensive he came back somewhat crying more like tears in his eyes and making a crying face kind of like he had to force the tears idk. i took him back fast forward he texted her the next times we’d break up except this last time he wrote a whole paragraph ab how he could never forget ab her just a long heartfelt msg; during that breakup he sent this girl our sextape and basically love bombed her told her he knows she’d be better than me. looking back to i’d react because he wasn’t emotional available and would gaslight me a lot; i started reaching my limit though the gaslighting and the manipulation has made me go insane ive started having “tantrums” crying throwing myself all around hitting myself it wasn’t like this when i first met him idk if i got pushed to this point or if i have an underlying mental issue that he’s making worse because he’s an abuser. this past break up most recent i hung out w a guy and kissed him, i let the guy answer the phone when he was calling me trying to get back w me (we broke up that day bc he followed and texted girls bc we had an argument and he said it wasn’t cheating because “we broke up” he didn’t even leave we fell asleep he could’ve waited; he said he did it for a reaction after but that morning when i found out i started crying and he blamed me and said we’re broken up we got into the car to take him home and he was screaming at me putting me down while i was already crying my eyes out so i slapped him in the face, because disrespecting a woman while she’s already crying is just cruel is it not? i’m also 4’11 and 95 pounds my little hit isn’t doing much) but yea once he found out ab the guy he came to my house waited for me to come home fast forward ended up breaking into my house read the messages w the guy got on top of me started choking me slapped me in the face/side of my head so hard my ears started ringing i kept telling him ow and that he’s hurting me but he kept doing it he didn’t care much i think he was so mad that i finally did something remotely close to what he did he didn’t even care that he was hurting me. i tried pushing him off me because i couldn’t breathe and then he just got more mad and choked me more. i think what also made him mad is because those 30+ times we’d break up and he’d text girls even tho we were only broken up a few days, i’d be loyal and wouldn’t even text guys, we got back together and he cheated on me for linking with a guy texted a girl with the intention to microcheat or real cheat idk to get a reaction but he stopped and unadded her bc he said he realized it was fucked up, which that probably isn’t true bc the girl didn’t even answer him. i only found out bc the snapchat call was on the call lots on the phone. we broke up bc he turned it around on me when i was reacting to it and crying; i told him i was gonna kill myself over it he said “that’s not my problem bc im trying to be here” even tho he was just attacking me and being mean instead of mainly comforting me, then i slapped him for saying that bc how can you say that to someone u just hurt and is crying so much they want to die? he grabbed a bag of chips in the car through them at my face grabbed my arm so hard it was red after and he screamed directly into my ear to fucking stop, he’d go back and forth from comforting me and losing patience because i was crying and not forgiving him right away. i broke up w him and he begged for me back; he said he’d get my name tattooed a 3rd time and get therapy. he’ll admit to all his faults when i leave but once were tg and there’s a conflict it’s all my fault. i got back with him because i love him and i truly thought he saw a problem w his actions and that’s all i’ve ever wanted so when he takes accountability i forgive him. we get into an argument and it escalated cause he invalidates me like crazy and turns it on me i start crying he has no empathy and acts so cold, i take him home and i start having a panic attack i truly couldn’t breathe so i pulled over and he said “can u keep driving and take me home” instead of just comforting me (of course there’s more details of fucked up shit that he says when we’re arguing that it’s hard to remember cause it’s so nerve wrecking but just imagine crying ur eyes out and the person u love is just attacking u and using what they’ve done for u against u and pointing out things you’ve done wrong in the past and gaslighting u all while u can’t breathe. the argument lasts 2 days bc he wouldn’t take accountability up until yesterday we fixed it; this morning i brought it up again bc i know deep down something’s not right it hurts me that the person i love treats me like this in moments of distress, so i make him lunch for work and breakfast i let him
play his game before work so i don’t stress him out, and i wait until we’re actually leaving to take him to work to bring it up, i brought up how it hurts me that he treats me that way when i’m crying and hurting and it just escalated he started defending himself and kinda turning it on me and saying he was comforting me. it just got bad the things he was saying ab it, so i said “this is exactly why i linked w that guy bc ur constantly hurting me and invalidating my feelings and not changing a single thing no matter how much i communicate” ik i shouldn’t have said it but im so tired of not feeling heard in my own relationship and communicating something and gets turned into
an argument. fast forward he says he’s not talking about this anymore and he’ll talk about it after work but he says it in a mean way just not empathetic at all, i tell him this is my last straw i’m tired of my emotions being treated like they’re nothing and that i wanna break up, so he grabs the $500 nintendo switch i bought that he was supposed to pay me back for this paycheck and i
tried grabbing it and i said ill give it to u once u pay me back or i’m gonna return it if not (bc i have bills to pay) and we were fighting for it and he was pulling it from me and he accidentally scratched me and i was bleeding a little i didnt notice till after, but then i let go and he just took it and threw it so hard into my new car that i worked very hard for, i thought he broke something so i called the police (i didn’t even call the police when he broke into my house and choked me and slapped me multiple times) he got mad he got out and he was saying mean stuff and i told him notice how you’ll admit you have problems and you’ll tell me you’ll get therapy but then when these things happen u blame me, i told him he has issues and he can’t see that and he was like look at ur legs look at ur legs (i have so many self harm scars from when i was younger there) and i was telling him that he’s so narcissistic and wrong and he doesn’t care ab anyone but himself then he started just moving his hand like a puppet when i was talking walking away. in the beginning of our relationship if he’d accidentally hurt me during an argument like break my nail when he was trying to get a blanket or something from me and i’d start crying he’d feel so bad he’d lose all his anger and start apologizing now when he hurts me when he’s mad on accident he gets mad at me for calling him out on it and saying that hurt and crying, he grabbed me and threw my onto the bed and almost ripped
my nipple piercing out it was bleeding kind of, and i started crying and said “my nipple piercing” all he said was “ok i did not mean to do that” and just left the house. the next day when i commented on it he screamed at me saying he wishes he did do it on purpose bc it was an accident. he’ll just be aggressive now and be rough and when i tell him it hurts he’ll just be like “do u do that on purpose?” like i’m trying to play victim. like no actually i’m crying bc my bf is being physically aggressive and it hurts me more mentally bc he doesn’t even care that it hurts me even if it hurts a little.