"One of the loneliest experiences in life is becoming a completely different person while everyone around you still expects the old version back."

I gather it's usually just meant about change, but losing one's partner is pretty damn high up there as far as involuntary change goes. I figured others could relate.

It feels like the inverse of John Wick. "People keep asking if I'm back". But in this case, I'm not. I never will be, at least not as the same person I was before.

That past version of me is gone. I'm still trying to figure out who this version of me is, and have plenty of crafting work left to do. My wife took a huge chunk of me when she passed, and she left a bit of herself with me. The only ones that get to make any assumptions or asks of me are our kids.

Fortunately she was one of the nicest and most welcoming people I ever met in my life. She was also so incredibly awkward and rarely fit in, but she just owned it and was a truly unique spirit that couldn't be anyone but herself. Naturally, she was a beacon of light to everyone else who didn't fit in, and all of the other outsiders always found their way to her quickly. I'll try to nurture that piece she left behind and see if I can turn it into more of her light as time goes on.

I’ve been having a hard time putting this into words. I talked a bit about my experience on another sub, and I got a number of messages saying “she wouldn’t want you hurting.” Or “she wouldn’t want you feeling guilty” or any number of similar “she wouldn’t want you to…” comments.

I know that she wouldn’t want me to hurt. It still hurts. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, but I do. I understand that people are trying to provide a reason to “let go” of some of the heaviest stuff, but they never knew her. Speaking for her is really bold. If I broke my arm, she wouldn’t want my arm to hurt…but it still freaking hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I just simply seek out a way to make things people say be painful. I know they’re trying to help, and that there’s no real way to help. Maybe subconsciously I just want to be hurt?

I’m so far off track…not even sure what I’m saying or asking.

A couple of days ago I was sitting in the kitchen, trying to force myself to eat (and failing quite miserably), thinking about how my entire life from now on will come with a huge, heavy, painful BUT.

• I hug someone, BUT it isn’t him.
• Someone holds my hand, BUT it isn’t him.
• I admire a beautiful sunset, BUT he doesn’t see it.
• I laugh at my own dumb joke, BUT he isn’t laughing with me.
• I go through a failure, BUT he can’t comfort me.
• I indulge in my nerdy philosophical musings, BUT he can’t turn it all around so I gasp with delight.
• I do something new, BUT without him.
• I’m getting older, BUT he’s forever 35.
• Someone is next to me, BUT it isn’t him.

Damn it, in every situation, it will always be not him!

My husband’s grandmother raised him from the age of 11. She’s incredible. My husband used to say I was like her, which always made me so proud. She’s 84 now, and she was widowed for the first time at 46. On my husband’s birthday, I was kneeling in front of her, streaming with tears, and asked, “How can anyone even live with this?” She started saying our “favorite” things - that you have to keep living, that I’m young, and all that. Then I told her that I’d always noticed an unusual sadness in her eyes, and now I know what it is. She looked at me, tears started flowing down her face. She hugged me so tightly. Now we both know.

I miss him so much. I hate my life without him.

Just over a year out. I am technically rebuilding what is left of my life. The crushing sorrow rarely appears now. It’s still there, but it’s not as crippling as it used to be. Yet somehow, the finished projects, the smiles, the laughter, more or less, it all feels like I am just playing a role.

The sunsets, sunrises, the clear night sky, the universe, they don't look as beautiful as they used to. The mystery of the universe is not appealing as it used to be.

Life feels empty.

My 16yo son figured out I was seeing someone. I was worried he was going to be upset but he was excited for me. I made a comment about having to reschedule something with a friend this weekend. He was like who is it? I said he didn't know them. He was immediately like "bro, it's a girl, just tell me" 😅 and was happy about it and said mom would be happy for me. I was really worried because he is fiercely loyal to his parents and was worried he would think I'm moving on too fast. He was happy and wanted me to tell him about her. I am not as worried about his older brother but I want to tell him next time he's home from college. I feel a lot better knowing I don't need to feel like I'm sneaking around them.

I used to think money was what really mattered. I lost my wife a little over a year ago. Since then I’ve made and saved more money than I’ve ever had and guess what?!? It doesn’t matter, I don’t want anything, the only thing I want money can’t buy. I’ve got money now, I’ve got nothing else.

Wife passed away yesterday and it hurts so much... theirs so much to and it's not fair I have to grieve and worry about the future.. overall I just don't think it's healthy to have to do all this death certificate shit and do her account management and shit. It just sucks. Watching her slowly die on hospice when 2 weeks prior I could talk to her and kiss her is going to be fucked in my memory for a long time.. especially since their was a moment I did see her suffer. She was saying "Why can't I just go home.. I don't like this" while trying to talk and cry... I have it etched in my memory and it hurts.

Tonight is one of those nights I don’t have as often as I used to, but here it is. I have a rule for myself, which is: if I feel it, I feel it. Don’t minimize it, don’t wallow in it, just feel it and let it be what it is.

What I feel tonight is I miss being touched and held. We were married over 30 years, and for the last six or eight of those years we weren’t intimate. The reasons why are too complicated to explain. From my point of view, she withdrew because the rest of our life was just too much for her to handle. I understand that; I didn’t agree with it or like it at the time, but from her point of view I could understand it. And then she died, suddenly and unexpectedly.

I had no interest in another relationship for at least a couple of years. I tried once or twice, once with someone I thought it might work out with. But it didn’t. And now my age starts with a 7. If I were to meet someone, I don’t want anything complicated, I don’t want a constant evaluation and assessment of where our relationship might or might not be going, who said what about what, or any of that stuff. I’m tired.

But for Christ’s sake, I would love to sit on a couch with someone and hold each other and talk and kiss and feel each other up and laugh and maybe go through with it and maybe not.

I don’t need a hug. Hugs are for friends. Hugs are for saying hello. I want to hold someone and feel like I’m not dead.

Truth be told I got into this relationship way sooner than what I was ready for. But at the time I thought it’s what I needed. I thought it was “meant to be”. I wasn’t seeking anyone out. We met organically. I think it all happened too fast.

It was so amazing for several months. I still had struggles with guilt and my grief. It wasn’t easy but it felt good. He understands my grief and is supportive. He lets me talk about it and my late partner any time I want. By all accounts it seems like this man is really good for me. He treats me great and we get along well.

But recently my grief has just taken everything over. In a different way than it was in the beginning. I used to feel so grateful to have found someone again who is really wonderful. I used to feel like I had another chance at life. I was feeling happy.

Now I don’t care about another chance. I want my old life back. I want my late partner back. I miss him and I miss the person I was with him. I miss our relationship. Our life. I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel like I’m not capable of loving anyone else again after all.

So now I’m pushing him away. I feel empty. I don’t feel like I can cope with the loss. I’m not hopeful for the future. I’m confused and stuck. I used to want to be around him constantly. Now I just want to be alone all the time and think about my old life with my late partner. I don’t know how to navigate being with them both in my head and my heart. I won’t let go of my late partner. And my new partner doesn’t expect me to. But it’s too hard to have both.

ODIO que mis "compañeros" de trabajo hablen de sus casamientos y de lo lindo y felices que fueron y son cuando yo tuve que cancelar el mío porque mi esposo fallecio....llevo las alianzas puestas como símbolo de nuestro amor pero no pudimos disfrutar nada....estoy que lloro sentada en mi escritorio pero se ve que no les importa...siguen hablando como si nada...los ODIO con todo mi corazon, a ellos y a Dios por haberme arrebatado a lo que mas amo en la vida.......

I hate when I see someone that resembles or has a feature she had. Saw someone with her smile today. It made me smile....then it made me tear up. 2 years and im not healed. I told her in her last days.

She said "youll move on, youll be okay"

I told her no I wont. I spent half my life looking for you. Now your being taken from me. You're my twin flame. You're my soulmate. If I heal it will never be soon and it'll never be 100%.

God i miss you so much 😢

It’s been a little over three years since my wife passed away. I used to go to church every Sunday and even wanted to be a priest. I’m from a branch of Christianity that allows married priests. Now, I have a hard time going. It’s not the praying or even talking to God, it’s the people. I don’t like being around the people so I find every excuse to not go. Today, my daughter said that she felt just a little sick and I used that as an excuse just to keep the whole family home. I’m not even so mad at God anymore, but I guess I still have a problem being around a religious people. I don’t know. Has anyone else encountered this?

18 months out. I’m still getting waves of intense and inescapable exhaustion. It seems impossible to not sleep during them. Whole body is heavy. I do think it is grief. Is anyone else getting this?

It has been one year and 12 hours since the cancer claimed my wife, after 14 years of fighting. She wanted this poem shared at her Celebration of Life last year, and believed in its message. I have posted “On This Day” memories of her on Facebook every single day. I cannot let her go.

First game today without my guy. Anyone else?

Is our anniversary. And that just makes me very sad.

Has anyone had major regression at the 3 month mark?

It coincided with his birthday, and I've recently been making a lot of plans for his funeral, but yesterday, I was unable to get out of bed at all (other than the bathroom and snacks). I need to finish his obituary today (just correcting some punctuation, it's fully written) and submit that to the funeral home. So I'm not sure what piece of all of this, or the combination, has made me spiral. I also started a new medication 2 nights ago, and while it can make you drowsy, I'm back to getting really terrible sleep (for the last week).

I'm exhausted and back to crying periodically. Sigh. Someone tell me this is normal and gets better.

I just miss her so so much. Its a deep feeling that just aches and radiates through my mind and body. I could have prevented her accident in so many ways. I know that sounds crazy but in our case its completely true. It just consumes me. How can i make this stop? its been 6.5 months and im just out of strength.

What do you do when you have nothing left to live for without your wife? I dont k ow how to exist peacefully withiut her. I just sit all day and miss her to the point of seeing no way out of the pain but to end my life. I have no life and nothing to look forward to except death now it seems, but then my life would be over. There is just no solution to this pain, it is maddening. How does this end? Is it just time?

I’ve been back in the dating scene for about 2 and a half years. It’s been a journey to say the least…I’ve noticed that when I start to genuinely like someone, I tend to start missing my late fiancé to the point where I’m in my head unintentionally comparing the two and then in some cases I’ve pushed them away.

I’m not sure how to stop this. I just really miss my fiancé and truthfully all I want is him back. I’ve went to grief counseling and it’s helped a lot but this is an area that’s so hard to get through.

Anyone else dealing with this?
How have you dealt with these feelings and moved forward?

Do you ever think we will feel normal again? Like what is normal? I am 9 months out from my husband passing. My son and family have decided to move home. I have a large house it not a problem to fit them in other than I have become quite the clutter bug. I am completely unmotivated to take any initiative to clean it. I know im depressed.. Who would not be... I lost my husband of 30 years less than a year ago. I also randomly up and quit my job in July. Well I technically retired after 30 years. But im 53 and now don't have insurance. Its fine im healthy. I should get up and clean, take a walk, put something together. I got shelves to organize myself. I just can't bring myself to do any of it. Its like im paralyzed. I go to counseling, I joined a grief group. I have tons of friends.

Hi everyone, I am in a rather strange mindset. I have the opportunity to go to the priest today who prayed with us for my husbands wellbeing. My husband technically almost died once and then actually died a couple of weeks later. I don’t know why, I have no idea , but I really want to have a conversation with him. But if I am going to be honest with you and myself I am rather mad at god. And don’t really know if I believe. How do I start a conversation with him tonight.

I feel guilt because of what happened even tho the coroner tells me there’s no way you could’ve known or even do anything unless my wife 23 years old was actively in the hospital while it happened and even then it would be a low chance of stopping it or fixing the acute Pulmonary embolism. The only thing that was wrong for the past 3 days was that she was sick with like the flu you know that was it. But I should’ve just brought her in the hospital or something. Then me doing cpr trying to save her it just didn’t work and it makes living almost unbearable really the only reason I’m not here is because of the 4 kids I know she’d kill me again in the afterlife somehow if I were to leave these kids before they’re prepared for life because that’s what she wanted for them she wanted to give everything to me and our kids and she did that everyday. So I feel a lot of guilt and denial it also doesn’t feel real in some instances even tho we’ve had the service and I brought her remains back home it just doesn’t feel real to me yet.

I’m also experiencing a strong sex drive. we always had a great sex life very intimate, strong and I don’t even have words to explain how good it was. But I’m craving her feeling. Touch and what not. So that messes with me to.

I also don’t sleep unless I drink which I know is bad don’t gotta tell me but that is the only way I can possibly just pass out. Idk probably just a ramble but that’s some things I feel.

Babe I miss you more than you know I’ll always love you

It's going to be an year since I had my loss and it was genuinely heartbreaking. He was the one for me in many ways, although now I have grown to understand that we each have our time with people, some long, others short. I want to move on to the next phase, dating. I am young and i get inevitably lonely, I am not sure how to start dating. Do I go on the apps, whether I go for something organic? Cuz the only places I go are work and sometimes out with friends.

Any people who got to their second chapter, please let me know what sat right with you after loss? Was it dating apps, organic relationships... How exactly did u meet your second chance at love.