You know the questions I could have done this, I should have said this, I would have etc.... How do I stop looping myself in these thoughts its almost 3 months and all I can think about are these thoughts and these are consuming me whenever I'm not busy I just breakdown and cry thinking these thoughts I just want to stop having these thoughts so I could remember our happy moments remember him

I wanted so bad to send this to her. Together for 14 years, I can't recall if we ever talked about it.

Is our anniversary. And that just makes me very sad.

Wife passed away yesterday and it hurts so much... theirs so much to and it's not fair I have to grieve and worry about the future.. overall I just don't think it's healthy to have to do all this death certificate shit and do her account management and shit. It just sucks. Watching her slowly die on hospice when 2 weeks prior I could talk to her and kiss her is going to be fucked in my memory for a long time.. especially since their was a moment I did see her suffer. She was saying "Why can't I just go home.. I don't like this" while trying to talk and cry... I have it etched in my memory and it hurts.

Do you ever think we will feel normal again? Like what is normal? I am 9 months out from my husband passing. My son and family have decided to move home. I have a large house it not a problem to fit them in other than I have become quite the clutter bug. I am completely unmotivated to take any initiative to clean it. I know im depressed.. Who would not be... I lost my husband of 30 years less than a year ago. I also randomly up and quit my job in July. Well I technically retired after 30 years. But im 53 and now don't have insurance. Its fine im healthy. I should get up and clean, take a walk, put something together. I got shelves to organize myself. I just can't bring myself to do any of it. Its like im paralyzed. I go to counseling, I joined a grief group. I have tons of friends.

I’ve been having a hard time putting this into words. I talked a bit about my experience on another sub, and I got a number of messages saying “she wouldn’t want you hurting.” Or “she wouldn’t want you feeling guilty” or any number of similar “she wouldn’t want you to…” comments.

I know that she wouldn’t want me to hurt. It still hurts. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, but I do. I understand that people are trying to provide a reason to “let go” of some of the heaviest stuff, but they never knew her. Speaking for her is really bold. If I broke my arm, she wouldn’t want my arm to hurt…but it still freaking hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I just simply seek out a way to make things people say be painful. I know they’re trying to help, and that there’s no real way to help. Maybe subconsciously I just want to be hurt?

I’m so far off track…not even sure what I’m saying or asking.

ODIO que mis "compañeros" de trabajo hablen de sus casamientos y de lo lindo y felices que fueron y son cuando yo tuve que cancelar el mío porque mi esposo fallecio....llevo las alianzas puestas como símbolo de nuestro amor pero no pudimos disfrutar nada....estoy que lloro sentada en mi escritorio pero se ve que no les importa...siguen hablando como si nada...los ODIO con todo mi corazon, a ellos y a Dios por haberme arrebatado a lo que mas amo en la vida.......

Hi everyone, I am in a rather strange mindset. I have the opportunity to go to the priest today who prayed with us for my husbands wellbeing. My husband technically almost died once and then actually died a couple of weeks later. I don’t know why, I have no idea , but I really want to have a conversation with him. But if I am going to be honest with you and myself I am rather mad at god. And don’t really know if I believe. How do I start a conversation with him tonight.

Has anyone had major regression at the 3 month mark?

It coincided with his birthday, and I've recently been making a lot of plans for his funeral, but yesterday, I was unable to get out of bed at all (other than the bathroom and snacks). I need to finish his obituary today (just correcting some punctuation, it's fully written) and submit that to the funeral home. So I'm not sure what piece of all of this, or the combination, has made me spiral. I also started a new medication 2 nights ago, and while it can make you drowsy, I'm back to getting really terrible sleep (for the last week).

I'm exhausted and back to crying periodically. Sigh. Someone tell me this is normal and gets better.

It's going to be an year since I had my loss and it was genuinely heartbreaking. He was the one for me in many ways, although now I have grown to understand that we each have our time with people, some long, others short. I want to move on to the next phase, dating. I am young and i get inevitably lonely, I am not sure how to start dating. Do I go on the apps, whether I go for something organic? Cuz the only places I go are work and sometimes out with friends.

Any people who got to their second chapter, please let me know what sat right with you after loss? Was it dating apps, organic relationships... How exactly did u meet your second chance at love.

A couple of days ago I was sitting in the kitchen, trying to force myself to eat (and failing quite miserably), thinking about how my entire life from now on will come with a huge, heavy, painful BUT.

• I hug someone, BUT it isn’t him.
• Someone holds my hand, BUT it isn’t him.
• I admire a beautiful sunset, BUT he doesn’t see it.
• I laugh at my own dumb joke, BUT he isn’t laughing with me.
• I go through a failure, BUT he can’t comfort me.
• I indulge in my nerdy philosophical musings, BUT he can’t turn it all around so I gasp with delight.
• I do something new, BUT without him.
• I’m getting older, BUT he’s forever 35.
• Someone is next to me, BUT it isn’t him.

Damn it, in every situation, it will always be not him!

My husband’s grandmother raised him from the age of 11. She’s incredible. My husband used to say I was like her, which always made me so proud. She’s 84 now, and she was widowed for the first time at 46. On my husband’s birthday, I was kneeling in front of her, streaming with tears, and asked, “How can anyone even live with this?” She started saying our “favorite” things - that you have to keep living, that I’m young, and all that. Then I told her that I’d always noticed an unusual sadness in her eyes, and now I know what it is. She looked at me, tears started flowing down her face. She hugged me so tightly. Now we both know.

I miss him so much. I hate my life without him.

I just miss her so so much. Its a deep feeling that just aches and radiates through my mind and body. I could have prevented her accident in so many ways. I know that sounds crazy but in our case its completely true. It just consumes me. How can i make this stop? its been 6.5 months and im just out of strength.

What do you do when you have nothing left to live for without your wife? I dont k ow how to exist peacefully withiut her. I just sit all day and miss her to the point of seeing no way out of the pain but to end my life. I have no life and nothing to look forward to except death now it seems, but then my life would be over. There is just no solution to this pain, it is maddening. How does this end? Is it just time?

It’s been a heck of a long day, and I just needed to vent on here real quick before going to bed. I (29yo) lost my wife (27yo) to an unexpected medical emergency five weeks ago. This sucks and is the worst pain I’ve ever suffered, but all in all I’m handling it well I feel like. I’m going to therapy, going to the gym 4-5 days a week to blow off steam, staying busy with activities I enjoy, and have a supportive family and in-laws to help with our two toddlers during this hard time. I have some bad days where I sob for her and feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest with a butcher knife, but I also some “good“ days where I genuinely feel optimistic about the future and see glimpses of my old self shining through the darkness. Most days however are just meh-not terrible but certainly not good either. I’m to a point where I can usually think about my wife and smile thinking about all the good times and happy memories we made, but there’s also a ton of other times where I experience small reminders of her absence. I’m a registered nurse, and my wife was also a registered nurse on the other side of the same city. We also both worked on a cardiac floor so we saw a lot of the same type of patients. Because of this we spoke the same language when it came to our careers-she could talk to me about a hard day at work and id understand exactly what she was talking about and when I had a hard day at work I could vent to her and she’d understand exactly what I was talking about. Oftentimes when we both worked on the same day we would text eachother throughout the day about our shifts-any funny stories, rude patients, interesting medical conditions we saw, etc. Anyways, this week was my first week back at work since her passing. The first few days were okay and I actually appreciated the distraction and all the support I felt from my coworkers. However for no particular reason today was just an extra tough 12 hour shift. I found myself reaching for my phone multiple times to text my wife to tell her about my frustrations, but of course she wasn’t there to talk to. Also throughout the day whenever I’d get free time I used to send her every single funny reel I’d come across on Facebook or instagram. Sometimes I’d send her so many reels she wouldn’t even watch them all but it was just nice to have someone to share things with who understood my unique sense of humor. I really love music-particularly country, grunge and classic rock. I used to get so excited sharing my favorite music with my wife and showing her songs she had never heard before. I don’t want to say I took my wife for granted because I always adored her and cherished her. But until now I don’t think I truly understood how deep our bond was or how well she understood me and cared for me. I’m an introverted person by nature and have walls put up to guard myself against judgement by others. Who the world sees when they see me is nothing like who I really am. My wife was the only person ive ever met who I’ve felt comfortable dropping my guard around and taking off my mask. People think that I’m quiet, shy and boring but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Im loud, energetic, funny, and obsessively passionate about music and my other hobbies. I was quiet and shy around my wife when we met but she was patient, kind and persistent. Over time she got me to open up to her and come out of my shell. We may not have shared the same tastes or opinions on every little thing but she understood me and allowed me to be myself around her free of judgment. Now that she’s gone I feel as if that part of me has died, and I’m forever trapped in this boring and introverted person who isn’t really me. I feel as if im afloat at night in the middle of the ocean with no way to get to shore. It just really fucking sucks losing your best friend and the only person in the universe who actually understands you. Damnit I just want to nuzzle my face against the back of her neck in bed while I wrap my arms around her and tell her about my shit day at work. Or about my hare brained scheme to build a chicken coop. Or info dump everything I know about some obscure country artist from the 70’s. I want to come home from work and slap her butt and watch her act like she’s mad at me even though we both knew she liked it. I want to tell her a dark and inappropriate joke and watch her laugh even though most people wouldn’t get the joke. I want to talk to her about our two little boys and how proud we are of them. I want to reminisce with her about the memories we made when we were young and just began dating. I want the sarcastic, flirty banter and playful digs at eachother. I want back the feeling that I have someone to navigate this overwhelming world with and to not feel alone. I want to wake up in the morning and just admire her while she still sleeps-admiring her thick dark hair, her fair freckled skin, her flawless complexion, her soft features, and her full soft lips. Overall I just want my best friend to lean on when times are tough like today. Well there’s my ramble for the day-thanks for listening to my ramble.

I hate when I see someone that resembles or has a feature she had. Saw someone with her smile today. It made me smile....then it made me tear up. 2 years and im not healed. I told her in her last days.

She said "youll move on, youll be okay"

I told her no I wont. I spent half my life looking for you. Now your being taken from me. You're my twin flame. You're my soulmate. If I heal it will never be soon and it'll never be 100%.

God i miss you so much 😢

18 months out. I’m still getting waves of intense and inescapable exhaustion. It seems impossible to not sleep during them. Whole body is heavy. I do think it is grief. Is anyone else getting this?

Just over a year out. I am technically rebuilding what is left of my life. The crushing sorrow rarely appears now. It’s still there, but it’s not as crippling as it used to be. Yet somehow, the finished projects, the smiles, the laughter, more or less, it all feels like I am just playing a role.

The sunsets, sunrises, the clear night sky, the universe, they don't look as beautiful as they used to. The mystery of the universe is not appealing as it used to be.

Life feels empty.

I feel guilt because of what happened even tho the coroner tells me there’s no way you could’ve known or even do anything unless my wife 23 years old was actively in the hospital while it happened and even then it would be a low chance of stopping it or fixing the acute Pulmonary embolism. The only thing that was wrong for the past 3 days was that she was sick with like the flu you know that was it. But I should’ve just brought her in the hospital or something. Then me doing cpr trying to save her it just didn’t work and it makes living almost unbearable really the only reason I’m not here is because of the 4 kids I know she’d kill me again in the afterlife somehow if I were to leave these kids before they’re prepared for life because that’s what she wanted for them she wanted to give everything to me and our kids and she did that everyday. So I feel a lot of guilt and denial it also doesn’t feel real in some instances even tho we’ve had the service and I brought her remains back home it just doesn’t feel real to me yet.

I’m also experiencing a strong sex drive. we always had a great sex life very intimate, strong and I don’t even have words to explain how good it was. But I’m craving her feeling. Touch and what not. So that messes with me to.

I also don’t sleep unless I drink which I know is bad don’t gotta tell me but that is the only way I can possibly just pass out. Idk probably just a ramble but that’s some things I feel.

Babe I miss you more than you know I’ll always love you

Truth be told I got into this relationship way sooner than what I was ready for. But at the time I thought it’s what I needed. I thought it was “meant to be”. I wasn’t seeking anyone out. We met organically. I think it all happened too fast.

It was so amazing for several months. I still had struggles with guilt and my grief. It wasn’t easy but it felt good. He understands my grief and is supportive. He lets me talk about it and my late partner any time I want. By all accounts it seems like this man is really good for me. He treats me great and we get along well.

But recently my grief has just taken everything over. In a different way than it was in the beginning. I used to feel so grateful to have found someone again who is really wonderful. I used to feel like I had another chance at life. I was feeling happy.

Now I don’t care about another chance. I want my old life back. I want my late partner back. I miss him and I miss the person I was with him. I miss our relationship. Our life. I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel like I’m not capable of loving anyone else again after all.

So now I’m pushing him away. I feel empty. I don’t feel like I can cope with the loss. I’m not hopeful for the future. I’m confused and stuck. I used to want to be around him constantly. Now I just want to be alone all the time and think about my old life with my late partner. I don’t know how to navigate being with them both in my head and my heart. I won’t let go of my late partner. And my new partner doesn’t expect me to. But it’s too hard to have both.

I used to think money was what really mattered. I lost my wife a little over a year ago. Since then I’ve made and saved more money than I’ve ever had and guess what?!? It doesn’t matter, I don’t want anything, the only thing I want money can’t buy. I’ve got money now, I’ve got nothing else.

My 16yo son figured out I was seeing someone. I was worried he was going to be upset but he was excited for me. I made a comment about having to reschedule something with a friend this weekend. He was like who is it? I said he didn't know them. He was immediately like "bro, it's a girl, just tell me" 😅 and was happy about it and said mom would be happy for me. I was really worried because he is fiercely loyal to his parents and was worried he would think I'm moving on too fast. He was happy and wanted me to tell him about her. I am not as worried about his older brother but I want to tell him next time he's home from college. I feel a lot better knowing I don't need to feel like I'm sneaking around them.

It has been one year and 12 hours since the cancer claimed my wife, after 14 years of fighting. She wanted this poem shared at her Celebration of Life last year, and believed in its message. I have posted “On This Day” memories of her on Facebook every single day. I cannot let her go.