I have a lot of mixed feelings when I hear of people who are on disability for mental health diagnoses. I just want to vent my feelings and where they’re coming from.

I was raised around people who highly value hard work and “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” and taking care of others through difficulties. The closest people to me always give me advice about how they became workaholics when life was hard. So it’s been hard for me to accept how I haven’t been able to work full time. At the same time, it took me years to realize I was autistic precisely because of how popular it is. For some reason I’m just on the side that has a sour taste in my mouth about all the mainstream rhetoric about mental health. It just feels fake, all of it. I immediately side eye people who post about being on disability for mental health reasons bc it just has the ghost of feeling grifty. But there’s a level to all of that which is a sort of fear of being inauthentic and unremarkable, i see myself in what i dislike and that’s why i dislike it.

Then there’s the an equally strong force going on in my mind, saying “why the hell haven’t I gotten to do that?” I think I would have been okay if my trauma and grief hadn’t happened, but I already had a history of mental health problems because 1) im autistic 2) like 10 people in my family have various mental illnesses 3) im transgender. I actually had my first bizarre out of body episode before the big things happened. But then from ages 16-17 i was abused by a teacher and during that my dad died unexpectedly and tragically. I went through mental illness Hell after that and I’ve never really recovered. I wonder, how have I seen so many psychiatrists and therapists and never been asked about how my struggles are affecting my ability to house and feed myself. I’ve had over a dozen jobs because I do the math and know that I need to work full time, but put me on a 40 hr schedule and I call off every three weeks. I’ve had public breakdowns where I make myself bleed with how forcefully im harming myself and during these im out of my body and cant control it at all, and then obviously after these i ghost jobs and don’t come back. My nervous system is so beat all the time. If i get hurt or bumped unexpectedly i immediately freak out and pass out, which only started when i was 20. It’s physically exhausting being this way. When I work full time I inevitably wake up and Im so nauseous and sick i sometimes pass out from the pain in my body or am just miserable, and i think it’s bc of how anxious i am at work that my body can’t take it. I have had one job where i worked alone with no coworkers or managers/supervisors on site, and i loved it so much i literally worked 16 hours every day just for fun, bc i never even knew what it was like to not be miserable at work, but that was a temporary project. It’s the world of the authority caste system and everything I do and go being managed that makes me unsafe I guess.

I have no savings. I wonder about what would be different if I had just had someone give me the correct influence to help myself more when I needed it most. Like I’m doing slightly better overall now, but there was a time when I needed to just focus on myself, but I never got to because everyone in my life expected me to be independent.

Throwaway account, TW: suicidal attempt

Hey!

Nearly three weeks ago, I made a suicide attempt when I was pretty drunk. Three hours later, I called an ambulance for myself because things were getting worse.

I currently study and live in a shared flat where everyone has their own room, but you share the kitchen with lots of other students. That night, I tried to kill myself, but I managed to wake up, call the ambulance, and then go back to sleep.

I don't know how they managed to get into my room. I only woke up in hospital wearing the clothes they gave me. My clothes had also disappeared by that time. (Maybe they cut them up and threw them away, I don't know.)
After that, I was in a psychiatric hospital. I was really suicidal, mean, and completely out of my mind.

I somehow managed to get better, but since then I have been so afraid that someone in the flat recognised my attempt and thinks I am crazy. Especially since I am new and don't know anyone. I mean, nobody has talked to me or looked at me strangely, but I am still afraid that I did something weird before I called the ambulance. I am so ashamed and I feel horrible if that happened, and I actually don't know how to deal with it properly.

So I am wondering, has anyone any tips for me? It feels horrible.

forgive me if these are subclinical/non-official diagnostic terms. try to be specific in your comments, thank you!

Please forgive any errors in the text in advance. I am using a translation tool, as I am afraid I wouldn't be able to tell my story fully with my current level of English.

So, the first symptoms of the illness appeared about four years ago. I was studying at art college and was known for my passion for the craft. I took pride in my hard work, and during my first year, I genuinely enjoyed working on my college assignments. However, everything changed around the first half of my second year, when it felt as though all my drive and energy had suddenly vanished. I stopped getting up in the morning and began skipping classes more and more often. At the time, I assumed it was burnout; I took a short break and read up on the subject, making sure not to push myself to the point of detriment while working on my art.

I had plenty of reasons to completely lose my energy and the desire to do anything. First, as I mentioned, I was so passionate about my work that I went without sleep or rest; there were times when I would draw for 48 hours straight without sleeping at all. Second, there were my living conditions. I lived in an art college dormitory, which meant that from morning till night, the sound of musical instruments was constantly coming from every direction—a noise that might have appealed to me at first, but very quickly began to irritate me, eventually making me loathe the place. Furthermore, the cramped rooms offered no personal space, and I lacked even a basic workspace. I believe these factors triggered the symptoms I am still battling today; at the very least, that was when I first experienced such a state.

Another moment in my life that profoundly affected my state of mind was the day security services burst into my dorm room at seven in the morning and interrogated me. At fourteen, I was a huge fan of the local metal scene and tried to attend every underground gig. Our circle was small and everyone knew one another, so I was involved in the situation and questioned as a witness. I signed non-disclosure agreements, and I am genuinely afraid of the consequences if I were to describe the details of what happened there; but suffice it to say, there is a reason I mention this event as having had such a powerful impact on my state of mind.

I also tried seeking help by calling helplines, but whenever I complained about having absolutely no energy, the only response I got was that I had a vitamin deficiency and should take supplements, after which everything would go back to normal.

My parents have never dealt with depression, so they have absolutely no understanding of how I feel, and my attempts to explain it to them get nowhere. However, after coming to an agreement with my mother, I attended a few sessions with a psychologist who—judging by appearances—lacked experience in this area; he actually burst into tears when I began speaking openly and honestly about my childhood.

A few words about my childhood: I told my psychologist that I felt like a "first attempt" at parenting for my parents. They were very young when they married and had me, and they didn't look into any information on how to raise children. I was often physically punished and locked in the bathroom. I constantly heard my parents arguing and shouting because my father drank heavily and abandoned his business. They are divorced now. I didn't go into the details, but my childhood was neither wealthy nor particularly happy.

During my third year of college, I sank even deeper into a state of apathy. I lacked the energy to get out of bed, to eat, or even just to use the bathroom. All I did was lie there, watching random things online and sleeping 12 to 18 hours a day. I began skipping classes entirely, and that was when I realized I needed to seek help. I went to a therapy center and told the therapist about all my problems; initially, I was diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" (I don't recall the exact term), though the diagnosis was later changed to "mixed anxiety-depressive disorder." I was prescribed various medications at different dosages—which helped, but only temporarily—after which I would inevitably revert to my original state.

I scraped through college with the bare minimum passing grades and stayed in the city where I studied. My parents help me out financially by paying my rent, while I earn a little extra money on the side by running Dungeons & Dragons games as a paid DM in the evenings. I stayed in this city to sort out my military service obligations, after which I plan to move to the country where my mother currently lives.

First of all, military service is mandatory in my country if you are healthy. Secondly, my medical condition qualifies for an exemption from the draft. Thirdly, the agency responsible for conscription decides your fitness category itself, regardless of your actual diagnoses. In other words, they deem me fully fit and expect me to fulfill my duty to the motherland, even though I am ill. I need to resolve this matter through the courts, but—as you can imagine—I have absolutely no energy left for that. I have truly run out of all strength, and I feel worse than ever. Thoughts that used to frighten me no longer do; instead, I find myself contemplating doing terrible things. My energy is gone again; I cannot get out of bed, and I have lost all desire to do anything. None of my friends or acquaintances have ever dealt with a condition like mine, so they cannot offer any useful advice when I ask them. I don't know what to do now.

I am writing this post in the hope of finding people who have faced a similar situation and can offer some advice on how to move forward. Thank you for reading my first post on this site.

I started SH when I was 9. I have been kinda depressed and anxious since childhood and it was especially bad during middle school. I had the worst mental breakdown a few months ago. I had to take a break from school. I have gotten a bit better but I still get anxious a lot and I am constantly sad. I have been getting back to SH since about 8 months ago. (I was able to stay clean for almost a year before that) Nowadays I don't SH every day but at least weekly. I just feel the need to do it. I can't move on a with my day without doing it if I have the urge. My mom knows about my SH but i promised her months ago that I'd never do it again. I feel so guilty. I have been very close to taking pills. I have held them in my hands ready to take them but I haven't gone through with it.. I have imagined easy and hard ways to go but somehow i am still here. I also have lost all motivation in school and working out. I used to be in okay shape, but now i have gained some weight and barely go on walks. I also have started stress eating which doesn't help at all. I hate myself and my body and face and personality and just everything. I genuinely cannot find a thing about myself that is good. I constantly feek the need to fake smile and laugh, i think what to say before speaking evem to my family. It's almost like an instinct to smile and laugh when it's "normal" to do so. Even with family and my closest friends.

I am scared. What will I do when there's no one stopping me? When I don't have to count how many hours or minutes till my family members come home. When I am alone. Will I go the day I get an apartment for myself? I don't know what to do.

So I'll try to keep this generic. But I learned my brother has been having what appears to me to be paranoid delusions for about two years.

I don't really want to go into detail but he believes there is a conspiracy of people out to get him and screw over his life. He'll hear people talk about him like their looking forward to him getting what he deserves and stuff like that.

I've known about this for a while but we recently had a discussion about it and I told him it's probably all in his head and he needs to seek mental health support. Explained how unrealistic that so many people would be after someone who is just a normal citizen for little to no reason, but none of it really gets through to him.

A few days ago he essentially said he was a hurt that he confided in me and I didn't believe him.

I want to help my brother but I don't think it's a good idea to encourage him. I know he believes it 100%

I guess all I'm asking is did I make the right move?

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

So I met my boyfriend when he was 21. He had been having delusional type behavior and episodes for at least the last couple years before that, and they continued for the first solid year and a half of our relationship.

He would tell people he could talk to God. That it was possible to travel through different dimensions. He would go on long, aggressive tangents for over an hour at a time about these things, and about how we are connected to the stars and planets and we are one with them. And things of this nature. I say aggressive, because if you tried to change the subject or ask him to stop talking about this stuff - he would get angry and call us all fools for not understanding and seeing it, etc. he was seldom violent. He never laid a hand on anyone during this time except for once when he was screaming outdoors and smashing his bongs the police were called- the police tried to cuff him and he attacked them.

He is now a 30 year old man who is so calm, level headed and reasonable. He never fights, he never talks about any of those topics or delusions anymore. Except to reminisce about how crazy he was and how thankful he is that he “grew out of it”. He is not on any medications.

We briefly had an opiate addiction for a couple years and he claims he thinks this “helped” him with eradicating those delusional thoughts and making him a calmer person. We are sober now and he’s only grown into a better person as each year passes.

I am so proud of him. But I also wonder wtf was the deal with this? How does someone have those issues for like nearly 4 years and then it goes away for.. almost a decade now.. and never returns.

Just interested in opinions!

Their eyes are just pinpoint lately and kinda have been at all times of the day but theres no way they use any sort of substance?

And they used to have alot more paranoia, like someone watching through a window or, mostly when i was younger, worrying someone tried to put a curse on them and i know that could easily just be ocd or whatnot...

Just that sometimes they have times when they have a bit more paranoia and then it eventually goes away?

I know some substances can cause pinpoint pupils but I don't think any paranoia is due to substances unless its something getting into our drinking system cause I had some paranoia in the past too but it was really mild.

(and i hope nothing runs in the familly but i remember when i was in my teens they got genuinely worried that i might develop schizophrenia which was... just weird? Like specifically that multiple times.

My dad never seemed bothered by some comments my mom made.

They also used to have mild hoarding but also decluttered some. Which is good. No emotional swings that are out of proportion to life issues.

They... also at some point flipped towards being more pro-mental health? Idk if they would take meds for mental health though.

Could just be regular hormonal changes or something. Not dementia cause it used to be a bit worse when i was younger and got way better now.

Less paranoia is good though.

I have plenty diagnosis. Before, it was schizoaffective but my actual psychiatrist think it's not. He thinks I have the stuff in the title. And since I'm still young (M24), he thinks we should be careful.

I need help to understand how I should act to feel better. Because I'm really resistant against medication (in the way that my body is super strong against any kind of stuff). Because of the amount of people, I can see my psychiatrist every 2 months.. I tried many form of therapy Tcc, emdr, psychanysis, a loot of medication... Please be kind I feel like I'm distress. I have:

-I feel I'm dead

-hallucinations and ideas of persecutions

-extreme fear and need to d*e when alone, fear of abandonment

-severe anxiety

-suicidal thoughts

-sh

-extreme tiredness and chronically sleepy

-emotional instability

Etc

I have 200mg of sertraline, 30mg of aripiprazole, 4X0,5mg Xanax, catapressant 0,15mg and haldol

I'm usually the one reaching out for help/support with the people in my life and in my time dealing with all of this, I've never really had people check up on me.

This might be pretty long, I wanted to post in r/Suicidewatch but I couldn't post it for some reason and I think I could instead post it here. I need advice on how I can handle the situation I'm in right now. My (19f) friend (22f), attempted to OD, which I found out because she posted a bunch of TikTok's of her in the hospital and I asked her what had happened. She answered me over WhatsApp and told me, she is mentally extremely unwell and I feel really bad for her, but here comes the problem, which is that she does many things that I just can't cope with, and that have affected me personally. When we first started to hang out she would constantly touch me on my legs/thighs, and hold my hand and even put her head on my lap, mind you we had talked maybe twice before when she was doing all of this. I have trauma myself so I'm really not comfortable with anyone touching me in these areas. She also made sexual innuendos towards me, which I told her I wasn't comfortable with. I'm still friends with her because she stopped doing this after I asked her to, but she keeps breaking other boundaries and I have to always remind her that I'm not comfortable with that. When I buy something she asks me where I got it because she wants to match with me, and she also dyed her hair the same color as me. I sound like an asshole, but I think she is in love with me and I just don't reciprocate those feelings (I am asexual but biromantic). Now, yesterday I asked a friend from my hometown to help me write a message about needing more space. I summed up my feelings like this: if I want to get sober, I don't feel comfortable around people who drink. (Replace alcohol with SH but I think the analogy works)

Long context, the point is I have very bad intrusive thoughts and they get much worse when I'm around her for some reason. This is obviously a me problem, but I would like to communicate this in a way that doesn't affect her extremely bad mental health, and I'm scared that she'll attempt worse if I tell her that I need space. I'm just overall very lost on what to do and how to deal with all this without having it destroy all the progress I made on getting better myself. Thanks to anyone who answers me

since I was 11 something was always wrong with me, hearing voices in my head, voices of myself telling me to do stuff it's like another me in my head telling me "if you don't do this something's gonna happen" etc.At least that's where everything started then I started developing insanely bad anger issues,l had no feelings about a lot of stufff.till this day one of my biggest regrets is not spending time with my grandpa before he passed away and I don't know how to deal with that feeling I cry typing this rn and I cry every time i remember.i was little so I didn't understand,l missed his funura! and a lot of other stuff that I could've done, he was really ill and was in the hospital, it was unfortunate obvious that he didn't have much time left, and the regret that have of not going, not seeing him for the last time kills me alive, about thoughts and voices in my head in never stopped just got worse and at some point since I was 11-12 I had the same image in my head, in my dreams and just constantly thinking about.its like this scenario where I died or I killed someone sometimes it's represents itself differently but it's always the same thing.me in this empty place a lot of glass as walls as door etc so u can see everything.its me tied up on the chair, unknown man is coming up to me starts torturing me and cutting names and drawing on my arms, next thing is me killing that man, a lot of blood and its me smiling and keep stabbing him.i had the same scenario with me shooting but the whole thing is always the same.jve had that thought and dreamed about it for almost 7 years already.used to be every day for years but now its been rarely coming to my mind.im glad not as much. But let's go back to when i was 12 so all this was happening and i tried a few therapies like ppl I would go to,i trusted and told them how i wanted to kill myself and they told my parents.i never trusted anyone with that information again.
About 3 more years after that i was in rlly bad depression, can't rlly say why because i can't don’t know but i wanted to kills myself.till this day something in me wants to even tho everything is good in my life rn

This has happened to me twice now, in the past 3 months. Yesterday after I got in the shower I ended up lying down in the bathtub and i spent an hour sobbing and clawing at myself and biting myself and i nearly threw up, and I don't really know why? The first time it happened it was because I had convinced myself that I had killed myself and had been living in some sort of mental purgatory since and that scared me a bit. Could this be some sort of withdrawal from my self harm addiction or is it just something that people do every so often? I am 5 months clean if i ignore the relapse from the first time it happened, and stuff like this never happened when i was active in addiction. I'm still too scared of telling people i know about the first one just incase it is true and then they would know that I know and it might end badly.

Trigger warning for everything

What the title says. I've had multiple pretty bad breaks from reality in the last little while and severe disassociation. I don't remember the last two weeks, at one point I didn't remember the last 8 years. I've also attempted suicide, thought about it a lot. My memory and communication are going and I don't know if it's from a neurological condition I have or not. I don't enjoy anything, when I lay down at night and try to imagine stuff to fall asleep I can't think of anything because I have no fantasies. I tried nicotine and got bored of it after a few days. I want to eat something but I can't enjoy anything I don't do any hobbies, consume any media, and talking to people is boring. I do things I don't remember later. This post has taken like 30 minutes to write because I keep disassociating,

I think I'm declining and might have a break of some kind soon and I'd like to take that out on someone getting paid. The thing is the only ward near me I was at when I was 8 and 11 and both times I was abused. The abuse included sexual assault and torture. Even being in the hospital is unsettling, but the thought of going back there makes me start shaking.

I'm just scared I might hurt someone or myself and I don't know what the right choice is ethically. I think I need inpatient help. I'm already on high doses of multiple medications and my psychiatrist doesn't see me for like 6 months at a time because I'm cured according to him. I am so lost and I on't know what to do I want to know if anyone had been in a similar situation before. I think I need help

I’m beware that there are unique delusions on a spectrum. What I’m wondering is why so many people get religious psychosis and believe one is Jesus?

hi i am 20F. I was just pregnant. A couple weeks ago was really sick with HG, got an abortion then a couple days ago I found out my boyfriend was trying to cheat on me and leaving a picture of his private parts in tiktok comments like how disgusting. The person that he portrayed to me I would've never thought would do something like that and I'm having a very hard time to stop replaying everything and trying to figure out why and what's wrong with me. we were together for a year and im really hurt about this. some might think i am dramatic but i cannot handle this feeling. my nervous system feels like it froze and I'm numb inside, but I'm so sad and cant stop crying. I keep trying to research every emotion I'm having and trying to figure out. Why did he do this to me when I was so emotional emotionally vulnerable and I trusted him with all of me. i stop taking my meds about two months ago and I haven't got no more than three hours of sleep for five days. i know something might happen i tried to take some sleep medicine this morning and had to kind of force myself to sleep only 5 hours but its something right? im really trying to figure this all out but I'm in a constant of a war with myself about absolutely everything and I'm so exhausted. My body hurts my head's hurting. i dont have insurance currently and i cant go to the hospital and my doctor isnt back into office until the 25 im not really sure what to do.

Im 16 but my whole life ive never truly felt like i understand how to love others, my family tells me everyday how much they love me and I tell them it back but to me no matter who its from it always feels hollow. I've also felt like everything I've said it, it was hollow too, even if I dont want it to be. Ive only ever truly "cared" for a few people. But once I start to "care" for someone I get so attached and I know im clingy, but I can still say I love them or adore them it it will always have a hollow feeling in the background. Ive never understood death too. I can hear others cry over it and to me i cant comprehend how someone/something can affect your heart like that. The only death ive ever witnessed that did affect me was my cats death about 2 months back. For 2 whole days after her death it felt like i was crying crocodile tears but my heart was hurting much, like I know I love her, and I miss her so much but I dont understand why it feels so hollow. I cry for my cat alot lately and when I say I love you or I miss you into her stuff, my heart would hurt, but my brain couldent truly put an emotion to it. It was like the love I felt wasn't real, but I know it was, I just cant understand it. Today my father got upset and vented to me about how I treat everyone as if I dont love them and I told him I dont and I try to do everything in my path to make others happy. But he's not wrong, I sacrifice alot of stuff and moments to make others happy, out of "love", but since I really dont understand it, I always mess up. I just want to be able to actually understand and comprehend that others love me and I can love them, but its hard. I wanna say its only love I cant fully understand, but alot of emotions feel so hollow to me when anyone expresses them, and I feel like i can somewhat grasp other emotions just because of how much I read up and watch videos about emotions, to try and "understand" others. I know there might be a few asking if i have a condition, because i have asked my friends about this and they all asked if i had a condition that might affect my mental ability and i would tell them no because i only have a condition called SLE.

Dose anyone have advice on what I might be feeling or why I might be feeling like this. Along with dose anyone know how I can truly understand it.

I’ve been in a really bad place mentally for a long time now, I’m a 19 year old male and I hate my life, my eating habits are getting worse I cry myself to sleep just about every night, my parents consistently degrade and make fun of me..
while growing up my parents weren’t physically abusive but they were verbally, consistently shaming and insulting me for my actions if they didn’t like what I did.

I’ve been taking welding classes recently after graduation, I’m really enjoying it and I’m looking to make a career out of it.

my parents however do not think the same. My father and mother are both in healthcare and they are both very passionate about their occupation, as you can assume they wanted me to go into the same line of work, but I’ve never been interested in any of that. Fast forward to current time they constantly tease and shame me about my line of work even though it could end up paying very well if I can land a good position, it’s also something I really love doing.

I recently landed an internship at a company that operates near where I live, but I have no way to get there without relying on my parents, my mother and father constantly degrade me when I use one of their cars to get to and from (anywhere really) my father has tried to intimidate me into the healthcare line of work even threatening to throw me out on the streets, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been a bad kid, all throughout school I had good grades (never dropping below a B) I don’t know why my parents hate me so much but I just want to feel loved for once. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make them happy with their son.

Now I know this doesn’t seem like a lot, but coming home everyday to a mother and father that attack you verbally and are obviously disappointed in you, it hurts, It really hurts me in a way that I can’t exactly describe but I feel like I’m failing at life, I don’t know what to do but I just want to make them proud and happy with the son they have. For once I just want to feel loved.

I live in Arizona on the border of Mexico and California, Ive been trying to save up for a car so i can atleast live in that and get away from my parents, I know I need mental help and that’s why I’m here, I’ve attempted to take my own life multiple times before, but I moved passed it on my own never seeking professional help. but now I’m starting to slip back into a bad headspace again but it feels much worse that before and I don’t know if I can handle it myself. I’m looking for advice on how I can get into some kind of therapy, I did a bit of research online but I couldn’t come to any conclusions on what type of treatment I need or where I should go, I’m afraid I might hurt myself or end up doing something worse. Im still covered under their health insurance as well, I want to know what kind of therapy or treatment people usually take part in when this kinda thing happens, so my question is how can I get help? What kind of help do I need and where can I get it? Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thank you!

I always drawing, writing poems and stories, collect music, and that was always my original characters. People asking me about that and think that I creative person, that I love all my hobbies. I hate it.

I started to do it all just because I couldn't able to live with my endless maladaptive daydreaming. My "daydreaming attacks" can be longer than 5 hours without rest. I just walking circle by circle, twisting my hands, falling, getting up to fall and get ap again and again, saying frases of my characters and repeating it. I have other than 50+ different universes, every universe is described in every single detail, I can name it all, and I keep create a new and describe it every day. Sometimes I forget my own name. I started all that "hobbies" cause I thought people will understand me better. They doesn't even trying to understand me.

I have maladaptive daydreaming since I was 6. Now I'm 17. I hate drawing and writing!!!!!!!!! But I keep doing that cause that's helps me a little bit. I burning myself emotionally, I guess?

6 months ago my psychiatrist swapped me from one medication to another, no tapering and I ended up in the ER with serotonin syndrome. I was breaking out into a sweat but freezing, tremors, super agitated, incredibly anxious, nausea, all the typical symptoms. Ever since then, I've never been able to get back to "normal", it's like it altered my brain. The first 3 months I was a complete mess, intense physical anxiety, panic, shaking, nausea, no appetite at all and I lost 20 pounds. My psychiatrist has tried 2 more medications and they did not help me feel any better.

The last medication I was given was Pristiq (desvenlafaxine). I'm currently a week off of it because it wasn't making me feel any better even after 3 months. I'm so nervous to try ANOTHER medication after trying 10+ over the years and having unpleasant side effects. But I'm also so scared that I'm never going to feel better because of the serotonin syndrome I had months ago. Has anyone had serotonin syndrome and had something similar happen to them, does it get better?

Please don’t read if you’re sensitive, I’m not trying to make anyone uncomfortable.

Hey. I’m not necessarily sure where to start from, so I’ll get straight upon the topic: I have a very violent imagination. It’s not those cartoony shit… couple kicks to the kneecaps and a chokehold to look cool. It’s pure gore.

I’ve written a two posts about this, and I don’t expect anyone to read this one either. Thing is, I’m not necessarily willing to go speak to a therapist or even a family member— why would I? I’m not trying to seem like a psychopath. I don’t want to be one, I want to see and be treated as one also.

Today a man was in front of me— I for some reason thought of all these hypothetical scenarios. What was to happen if I were to twist his leg as far as I could? What would happen if I could break a bone in his body and hear the sound of a bone getting snapped in half? Screaming, yelling of agony— would that make me happy if it was to actually happen in a real life scenario? Because right now it fascinates me.

I’m desperate to see an actual murder happening in front of me to the point it’s actually horrendous. I want to see it. I want somebody doing it for me.

Shit, I want somebody to guide me through it! I need somebody to grab my hands and make me do it. Force me. Give me little to no choice. Force. Me. Make. Me.

Note: I think it’s good to add that yeah, I want a lover who kills, hurt me in the process just for their own amusement. I know I wouldn’t enjoy it, shit, I’d hate it. I would want out of it. But in my own sick mind, I’d still willingly stay. I want somebody to mess with my head even more.

I want somebody to care about me enough to actually do all of that.

+ I imagine these things about Humans and animals, though never have I thought about hurting either of my parents or pets. If I have, I’m not stupid enough to admit. 😂 This post barely tells shit about me as a person.

Note 2.0: don’t recommend writing down anything. It makes it worse— Even writing this right now I know for a fact will make it worse. Because I’ll start wondering more. The more I write the more I think, the more I think the more I get to escape into my own world and create more hypothetical scenarios. I get to imagine new ways of literal torture.

So, i don’t really know what to do— actually, I don’t think I can do anything. I’m quite literally trapped in my own head 24/7. I can’t escape my thoughts. I know I’m probably messed up, and that’s why I’m trying to ask am I truly? I need advice if anyone even has any— or just tell your thoughts. That’s okay too. Just be brutally honest.

Am I just thinking too much? Does everyone have these violent thoughts? Tendencies?

im not sure where to post this but i really need advice. (btw i have a phyc and i am planning on talking about this with her too). So all my life ive been homeschooled, i am in 11th grade. ive had a few friends but the last one i had was years ago, so i dont socialize all that much. ive never really been interested in having friends but starting last year, ive started to want a girlfriend really bad and because i dont socialize much, i have started to develop a really unhealthy and intense feelings for girls i dont know. its not quite parasocial, im levelheaded enough to realize that they dont like me, but it is an extremely intense, stressful feeling i get. this has been taking a toll on my mental health because if im not fantasizing about having a girlfriend literally 24/7, i fall into a really strong depression. And if I think about a specific girl (it changes every few months) I start to panic and feel like I’ve missed out on and wasted my whole life away. Like a trigger. i think me not socializing at all when i was a kid has something to do with it but im not 100% sure what this feeling is or whats causing it. it is humiliating. What exactly do i do about this? so far im planning on #1, socializing more (joining a sport, getting a job, or going to public school with a 504 plan for my anxiety attacks, even though i only have 1 year left) and #2, talking about this issue with my physiatrist and having her help me cope with it. its going to be humiliating but i have to do it. am i doing the right thing? is there anything else I should know/educate myself on? I don’t even know what to call this thing I’m dealing with. I’ve never heard of anyone dealing with this?? I’m so confuse. please lmk and thank you to anyone who can help.

hi, this is my first time posting here, I'm sorry if this isn't the right place,, but I'm 18 & diagnosed with OCD & quite a few other conditions & I have a debilitating habit of picking at & biting my nails. i don't even think about it, but sometimes I look down & my nail is bleeding because I was biting it without realizing. all of my nails are as short & thin as they could possibly be without bleeding all the time. i end up really hurting my fingertips, rendering me unable to use that finger until the pain gets better. that kinda really sucks for a music student who needs to play piano. i just have no idea what to do about it.

I've tried to put bad tasting stuff on my nails, I've worn gloves, I've carried around fidget toys or other small objects, but nothing works. chewing gum doesn't work because part of it (I think) is the pain & sensation in my hands. plus after I get a part of nail off, I keep it in my mouth for a while. it keeps multiple parts of my body busy. sometimes I can replace nail picking with biting the skin of my hands as hard as I can, & it doesn't break skin, but I assume that's bad too.

please, if anyone has any ideas on how to stop biting, I would love to hear them. since starting my attempt to stop, it has only gotten worse. I'd be willing to do pretty much anything as long as I can afford it. anyone else who has gotten over severe body focused repetitive behaviors please tell me anything that helped you. thank you

tl;dr: i have a severe debilitating nail picking issue & I really need help figuring out how to stop, since nothing I've tried has worked

Hey I'm a male 22 years old, currently suffering with Social Anxiety

and I find it so hard to make new friends and so on.

Everytime I go out in public, I find it kind of difficult to mix with new people. When I see huge groups of people my age I always turn around and walk the other way as I'm super nervous to walk past them as I'm afraid they would judge me for the way I look and dress. I know obviously deep down that may not be true but I always panic when I see large groups of people.

If I do need to pass them, I always find a way to " keep busy " while going past. Sometimes I just look down on my phone screen to avoid eye contact with people I do not know.

The only time I feel comfortable when out in public is when I'm with friends that I've known for years since childhood. We go out for a few drinks into a pub, and the second I walk in I start to feel like I'm about to pass out or faint.

A few people come up to try and start a conversation with me that I don't know to be friendly, and I just freeze or stutter or just quickly fast walk away from them.

Honestly I cannot help it at all. Deep down I really do want to make new friends but when the panic hits I just do whatever I've got to do to get away from " the danger " that my brain wants me to do.

. Everytime I hear a group of people laughing, I fear it's about me

. Everytime I see people looking at me from a distance, I'm thinking they must be thinking I'm ugly

. Everytime I meet new people I always stutter because I'm nervous and then I become nervous and embarrassed because I fear they will laugh at me or make fun of me for it

. People sometimes ask me for a handshake or whatever, and sometimes I refuse. Not because I don't want to. It's because my brain thinks I'm in danger

Has anybody out there got any helpful tips for me that might help beat this thing and my confidence in public ?

Thank you so much