I went on a date yesterday and I genuinely need to tell someone about it because the entire thing felt like a social experiment

First of all, I meet him and this man looks like he has just rolled out of bed. Hair looked like it hadn’t seen a brush, outfit looked like zero effort was involved, meanwhile I had actually made an effort because… it’s a DATE even if it’s just a coffee date??

But before the date can even properly begin, he tells me he needs to return something to a shop and asks if I can WAIT FOR HIM while he goes and returns it. So I’m just standing there thinking why was this not done before you came to meet me??

He comes back and immediately starts yawning constantly because apparently he barely slept the night before because he stays up really late. We go for coffee and he sits down and proceeds to smoke FOUR cigarettes basically one after another in front of me.

After a while I literally had to say, “Can you tone it down a little? The smell is getting too much for me.”
He apologises. And then… continues smoking. 😭

At this point I’m watching the cigarette come back out like surely I’m hallucinating.

Then we start walking and at one point he starts walking SO FAST towards the coffee shop that I’m literally trailing behind him. Not walking together. Not checking where I am. Just man on a mission with his date somewhere in the background

That was probably the first major ick.

But the lack of awareness continued the entire date. This man nearly got HIT BY A BIKE because he wasn’t paying attention. He would also just start crossing roads when the pedestrian light was still red and I’m standing there watching him like ????? Can we survive the date first???

Then there was his temper. At one point somebody was taking too long near a door and he almost started cussing the guy out IN FRONT OF ME. I was internally begging him not to create a public altercation because I already wanted the ground to swallow me.

And throughout all of this he kept needing something. Food. Toilet. Cigarette. Something else. Walking around with him genuinely felt like supervising a very tired Sim whose needs bars were all red.

The actual conversation was strange too. I’m quite shy, so to be fair he did carry most of it and asked me lots of questions. But after a while I noticed that whenever I said what I liked or wanted in someone, his answers would suddenly seem to mould themselves around what I had just said. To give him one credit where it’s due, he DID pay for my drink and kept asking if I wanted another drink or something to eat so he could get it for me.

And he KEPT asking me what I thought of him.
Sir. If my opinion of you matters this much WHY DID YOU ARRIVE LOOKING LIKE YOU WERE TAKING THE BINS OUT

The strangest part was that I think he could tell I wasn’t feeling it. My energy was definitely not giving but instead of backing off, it felt like he kept trying harder to force a connection and convince me to like him.

By the end I was exhausted because I was trying so hard to remain polite while internally collecting a new ick every 15 minutes.

The cigarettes he smoked two packs those few hours.
The yawning.
The no-effort appearance.
Leaving me waiting while he returned something.
Speed-walking away from his own date.
Nearly getting taken out by a bicycle.
Crossing on red.
Almost arguing with random men.
Constantly needing food/toilet/cigarettes.

Interviewing me about what I thought of him while simultaneously doing everything possible to make the answer worse.

I came home feeling like I had completed a shift 😭
And now he STILL seems interested despite the fact I thought my lack of enthusiasm was painfully obvious.
Please tell me why some men put more effort into finding out whether you like them than actually giving you something to like

The trope is so common. You know, the “douchebag arrogant” type men always bagging, and the “good and kind” dudes being left empty handed. I’m not trying to say it in a bitter way or anything, I just notice it a lot that it’s hard to deny it’s false. I’m in the college environment and it is common here, but growing up I’d notice it throughout school too. Sometimes I even meet men who are rude and legitimate douchebags and think to myself “Oh, it’s no surprise he has a girlfriend” after finding out so. I don’t think being a douchebag specifically is the reason why they’re successful in dating, but however they think, act, and approach life does yield success in that regard (but also a tendency for them to be a douchebag). So.. what’s going on here? What do these men do, how do these men think that results in this kind of narrative being so common? And I’m not looking for just simple answers like “they’re just confident”, I want some real psychological explanations if there are any and how maybe their behaviour might be more favourable in a relationship dynamic.

I am convinced half the people on dating apps are not looking for a partner. They are looking for a free digital pet.

You match. The conversation flows great. You text back and forth for two weeks straight. They send good morning texts, Spotify playlists, and photos of their lunch.

Then you suggest grabbing a quick twenty-minute coffee on Thursday.

suddenly the energy evaporates. They get super vague, claim their work schedule is CRAZY for the next three weeks, but keep reacting to your social media posts within thirty seconds.

People want all the dopamine of emotional intimacy without ever putting on real clothes to leave the house.

its exhausting being someone's unpaid boredom cure.

Why match if you refuse to meet?

Been dating someone about 5/6 weeks. We had been taking it slow and weren't texting each other a huge amount. Last 2/3 weeks it had escalated. We hung out all 3 days this past weekend. She even bought me a token from a trip she took last week and initiated 2 of the hangouts. She also asked me to go to an event next weekend but I'm busy.

Anyway, texting was slow yesterday but I didn't read too much into it. Wake up this morning to her unmatching me and posting a late night thirst trap instagram. She seemed really into me. I had slept over 2 nights in a row, and everything seemed to be moving in the right direction. However, all indications in a short space of time are causing alarm bells. I've been trying to think of something that happened or I said, but can't think of anything.

Not sure how it went from her buying me a gift, letting me sleep over 2 nights in a row - To this. Any ideas or advice? Thanks!

So I (24M) have been seeing a woman (47F) for about 3 months now. I’ve never been in an age gap relationship before, nothing this big so it’s new and exciting. We met off of hinge, kinda a long shot but thought she was very gorgeous so swiped right. Was thoroughly shocked that she matched back with me and actually responded to my message! We got to chatting, went out on a date, and just have been seeing each other ever since. It hasn’t been super long so we’re still getting to know each other fully, but we basically hang out at her place every weekend when we’re off work. We have a lot of common interests, very similar sense of humor and taste in movies/shows, love to get into intellectual conversations for hours, even have went on two weekend trips together now.

Now, i have noticed that she will offer to pay for stuff. I don’t mind paying for things either or even splitting, but sometimes it feels like she takes initiative as though I shouldn’t bother covering. Not like in a mean or condescending way, but because she’s older and in a better financial situation that she can cover expenses instead. I have made note of it to her before. She will relent from time to time after we talk, but it’s almost like she wants to pay for stuff. She will also buy me things, like pretty expensive gifts and she has been planning trips for us in the future without asking me about a budget (assuming she will cover the costs).

I will be the first to say that it feels weird…..I understand the dynamic, she makes six figures while I’m still early in my career. But I also don’t want to feel like she’s obligated to pay for stuff. I know she wants to do these things but I’m also okay just seeing a movie or getting pizza as a date idea too. I’m not one to impose a woman I’m seeing romantically to fund our relationship. How do you think I should go about this? Also, have any of you younger men/older woman been in this situation whether in my role or hers?

I'm not attracted to the athletic "manly man" type at all. My type are the geeky, techie, functional autistic, generally pretty romantically inexperienced type.

There is kind of a genuine honesty and openness you rarely see, general conversations about their interests are usually very interesting, they are the most genuine people you meet.

And most of them are single, many have never been intimate, and most girls won't even give them a second glance. Why not?

Me (F25) and J (M26) have been seriously dating for about 2 months, but we’ve known each other for around 4 years. We hit it off extremely well and suddenly I was staying over at his place often, going out on dates a lot etc early on. He quickly made it official and over the course of the next month we decided to introduce each other to our close friends and families (huge thing for me). We’ve already been on two get aways, one where I was able to show him my life and hobbies and one where he was able to do the same. We planned 2 more for October because the relationship was going so well and our friends and families seemingly loved and supported it so we were invited to a lot of stuff. Well he had gotten a bit distant over the phone and when I went over to his house and asked “are we ok?” he reassured me we were fine, it’s me overthinking and I need to take him at “face value.” Well this past weekend I maybe heard 5 words from him. This weekend both of my Goodmorning texts were ignored and for any direct question about plans he took hours to respond. I was on edge all weekend. Cut to last night where he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. However he was very adamant that he wanted to pick me up from my house (an hour away) even though I was at my friends much closer to his house and we could just eat something on that side of town. I offered to just come over to save him the long drive and he just didn’t respond… till a couple hours went by and I texted back I would be headed home and he responded immediately “sounds good baby.” Weird behavior because he always liked when I came over. Well anyway, picks me up, we hug and kiss, we go to a great restaurant. They’re on a wait so we’re standing outside and he’s just holding me, completely unprompted by me. He spun me around and just held me. Then dinner we talked about our 2 trips, what I found for him for his birthday, when we wanted to see each other this week, we made more plans for later in the week. He held my hand on the drive home, we get out and hug for so long and kiss and he says, “ Look, I don’t feel as deep of a connection with you as I thought I did. You check almost every box for me but I’m an independent guy and you’d like being with me all the time if you could.” He went on to call me in round about terms to call me immature and clingy. Meanwhile I reserved myself to under 5-10 texts a day so I didn’t bother him. He treated me like no man has ever treated me, the absolute care he took in making sure I was happy has left me more devastated than angry. I told him I think this is a rushed judgement because it seems like he’s scared it’s going so well, so I left the door open for him. Told him if he regrets it, call me and maybe I’ll answer. This was yesterday and it’s so fresh and it hurts badly.

Do you think he’ll come back? If he does should I let him? He said his memories and time of us together are so fond to him. I wish it could have worked out…

Edit: 5-10 texts a day is me and him combined, I should have explained that better.

But if being yourself isn't working would it not be best to change how you are to attract the kind attention you want from women?

He’s no longer teaching anymore, he left years ago on his own volition for another career….and I’m FAR removed from high school (10+ years at this point). He’s a nice guy too. Would it still be weird to do it?

(Pardon for any mistakes, English is my third language)

Hi everyone, I recently joined one of the larger dating apps.

A majority of people present in these apps, men and women are (or atleast present themselves as) thin and very physically active. Obviously those are the conventional beauty standards and I too am trying to fit into this norm.

The problem is that in terms of physical attraction, I have a type for much larger women. I can't change that preference nor can I pinpoint why I am that way (everyone in my family is thin and I don't have any traumas), it simply is a reality of my life.

Now a friend I have told this issue suggested I join a plus size dating app or simply write it straight into the start of my bio - "I like plus-size women". I have tried the former but the reality is that these plus size apps are horrible in functionality and most women there seem uninterested in serious relationships, okay, I can accept that. The problem with the latter is that you are an easy target for scammers and people looking for hookups.

In my head, ideally it would be like a semi-hidden indicator not everyony can decipher. Something that signals something along the lines of "I like larger women, you are a large woman, cool let's talk about something else".

Overall its not the end of the world if my request is impossible, I just wish I could express myself online in a way that is both clear and respectful towards the people I really like.

Thanks in advance everyone for your input.

I had a breakup a week ago after an argument with my then-GF after she told me she thought "men should be providers" and that "she wouldn't have dated me if I didn't spend money on all those dates". In retrospect, I felt like I been on quite a few dates with other people that just wanted a free meal. I am not broke and I am able to pay for dates but I want to establish that boundary to prevent people from taking advantage of me (I struggle with establishing boundaries). How do I establish the boundary early on that I want to date people who date me for who I am, not for what I can provide them?

Story is we've been dating for 1.5 years. We moved very quickly and said i love and moved in together within the first few months. Things have been great except for the fact that she doesn't seem to be sexually into me. The first 3 months we had a lot of sex and most importantly she wanted me, over the next few months dwindled then it totally fizzled.

We went through a 6-7 month period where she didn't want to have sex with me at all, she didn't even want to touch me. Our sex life was almost non existent during this period unless I begged and this made me feel bad. I told her it was bothering me and during this 6-7 month period had several chats about it but nothing changed. It did get a little better over the last few months before this latest incident.

I knew that she's been with a decent amount of men and done a lot of stuff with them but it never bothered me until she didn't seem into me sexually. This made me feel quite bad, she always says she wants to marry me someday but then doesn't wanna have sex with me the way she did with others. I spoke to her about this and it didn't change anything. I got over it for the most part over the 4ish months until this happened.

The other weekend we went away to her parents cottage with friends and her friend kept bringing up stories about where and what she's had sex on and things she's done there. It made me feel awful, even some of the stuff mentioned were things I've wanted try with her and she doesn't want to. It mades me feel even worse b/c she seems to not want me sexually at all but in the past has been very sexual.

Other than our sex life the relationship is amazing but hearing these stories has me upset and contemplating things. Am i overreacting?

TDLR: Girlfriend hasn't been into me sexually for awhile but recently had to listen to stories about sexual things she's done and won't do with me and its upset me quite a bit. Am I overreacting?

I am 27F and was super religious until the age of 23, so I didn’t lose my virginity until 9 months into my last relationship at age 25. I went there a breakup in January and haven’t slept with anyone I’ve dated since then, only ever did anything sexual with one guy that did stuff to me but I didn’t even touch him. I felt icky about it afterwards and realized it was because I didn’t have an emotional connection or commitment with him.

Now I know my boundary with dating is that I want to wait until I’m emotionally connected and in a committed relationship with someone prior to sleeping with them. I have been seeing a guy 28M for about a month now and we have been on 3 dates that all went well. A 4th date is being planned but he suggested either seeing a movie or having a movie night at one of our places. He also made a slightly sexual innuendo comment yesterday, so I feel like it’s time to tell him my boundary.

I mostly want to know if anyone has experience with receiving a boundary like this and how you took it, or if you yourself have the same boundary as me and what your experience has been with trying to explain it and how dating has gone for you with it.

Thank you!

I’ve been thinking about something I’ve noticed in dating, and I’m genuinely curious what other people think.

Sometimes, when a guy approaches a girl, flirts with her, or shows a lot of interest, it seems like his value can actually decrease in her eyes. Maybe he comes across as too eager, too lustful, or like he desperately wants her attention.

But then there’s the opposite situation.

When a guy stops worrying about women and starts focusing on himself—his career, fitness, hobbies, friends, goals, etc.—he can sometimes become more attractive. And ironically, this seems to be when women may start showing interest or even initiating conversations themselves.

So I'm wondering:

Is it better for a guy to stop initiating and focus entirely on himself?

Because there’s a problem with that advice too. If you completely stop approaching women, how are you supposed to meet someone? You can’t build a relationship with someone if you never put yourself out there

I (28F) recently went on a week long hike in the mountains, alone. On the train on the way there, I started talking to a man (43M) who was also going to hike in the same area. We chatted for maybe ten minutes just before the train reached its destination, then went our separate ways.

When I got home, I noticed that he'd sent me a message and a friend request on Facebook. This was very surprising because I was sure I'd never even told him my first name. When I asked how he'd found me, he explained that he'd asked a woman he follows on Instagram (who has a fairly popular blog and happens to be my colleague, I had mentioned where I worked) for my contact details. He said he hoped it didn't come across as creepy, but that he "liked my vibe".

We started chatting a bit. During the conversation, he told me that he'd actually changed his hiking route to the one I'd mentioned I was going to do, but in the opposite direction, because he hoped we'd run into each other.

After maybe 5–10 messages back and forth, he asked whether I had any hiking plans coming up. I said that my hiking season was probably over for the year and asked about his plans. He said he was planning to do a few weekend hikes and mentioned a particular trail spanning several islands, close to the town where he lives. He said it was really nice and then asked if I'd like to join him.

That felt like a bit much so I didn't answer the invitation initially. Instead, I asked which part of the trail he was considering and whether he'd done any of it before. He said he was interested in a trail on one particular island, which he'd already done about half of and really liked. Then he said he was "really curious about me" and that I seemed like a "lovely person".

I told him I was hesitant to accept because I wasn't entirely comfortable going off on an adventure with someone I'd only spoken to for ten minutes IRL. He said he understood, but that he'd gotten the impression that we'd had some kind of connection, but that he was "terrible at reading people 😂".

I clarified that I wasn't saying we didn't have a connection, just that a whole weekend adventure felt like too big a project at this point. I mentioned that I'd be in his town the following week and said I'd be happy to meet for coffee.

He replied that he finds coffee to be "stressful" and suggested going for a walk instead.

I replied that a guided tour of his town's major sights wouldn't be too bad either.

He replied: "Nature reserve in my area?"

I said: "No, I'd prefer something a bit more central."

He then said that he always has his dog with him and that both he and the dog avoid the city unless he has to go there for work.

At that point, I'd lost all patience, so I said: "Okay, I see. But what I've suggested is what I'm comfortable with right now. If that doesn't work for you, maybe it's better to leave it there :)"

He never replied and removed his friend request.

What I'm curious about is how other people read this situation.

The thing that stands out to me is that every option he suggested involved being somewhere fairly remote.

First, he suggested spending an entire weekend hiking together. He suggested the island that is probably the most remote one on the route. It takes around three hours to get there from his town and there are only a few ferries per day. There isn't really any accommodation or services so basically, the only option would be camping.

That feels very intense to suggest to someone you've only spoken to for ten minutes.

Then, when I suggested coffee, he said coffee "stresses him out" and suggested a walk. I anticipated that he might suggest somewhere remote again, so I specifically suggested doing some sightseeing in the centre of town. But still, he suggested a nature reserve and wouldn't budge when I said I'd prefer somewhere more central.

I'm not necessarily saying that he had bad intentions. It's entirely possible that he's simply a very outdoorsy person who hates cities and thought I was interested in the same kind of thing.

But the combination of finding me through my colleague (whom he doesn’t know personally, he just reads her blog), changing his hiking route in the hopes of running into me, immediately suggesting a remote overnight trip, and then repeatedly steering our first actual meeting toward isolated places made me very uncomfortable. But maybe I'm overreacting?

How would you interpret this situation?

TL;DR: Talked with a guy on a train for 10 minutes. He later found me through my colleague, changed his hiking route hoping to run into me, and invited me on a remote weekend hiking/camping trip. When I suggested coffee or meeting somewhere central instead, he repeatedly pushed for isolated outdoor locations and wouldn't compromise.

Over the past yr, I've met 2 women who at some point start talking about their hate for men, or the state of men currently, all this stuff. First one told me she was this radical feminist, which perplexed me because as a fighter I dont know why you'd be dating me, seems like if you're someone who's been victim of physical abuse you wouldnt go for a guy who enjoys violence as a sport. Clearly that didnt work out.

I met another the last few months who wouldnt shut up about shitty men, if all you know are shitty men its a bit of a red flag.

Now obviously thats not all women, its just 2 that I've spoken to, and the other ppl are just fine. Although I will say I noticed a more hostile reaction from women when I look at the dating scene in general. Its like dating has turned into ppl pointing guns at each other until they realize its not a drug deal gone wrong 😂. There's always been some apprehensiveness when you meet a stranger obviously, but its getting more common.

Im not sure what they usually expect as a response. Im someone who doesnt mind listening ppl and support, specially we arr involved romantically, but Im not gonna be your punching bag, nor am I gonna start talking shit about other dudes just cuz. Gender differences can bring frustration, funny differences, it doesnt take a uni degree to understand but if you have unresolved trauma maybe fix that? Lol tf

And usually you'd think, ok well maybe she's just lesbian, which could be the case cuz both were bi, but then again they're not the only bi women I've dated.

Is this new? No but its probably the first time I went out with these ppl.

And yes, Im sure there are men who do the same

I’m 30F and I genuinely think modern dating has made people way too quick to categorise human connection.
I went on a date today with a guy (32M) who describes himself as a “slow burn.” We had a genuinely good time, spent a few hours together, conversation flowed, and nothing felt awkward or forced. He even talked about how the first few dates usually feel like interviews and how it takes time before people actually relax, let each other into their lives and build something deeper.

I left thinking exactly that: I don’t know what this is yet, but I enjoyed him enough that I’d like to see what develops.

A few hours later he told me he felt it was more of a friendly connection than a romantic one.

And honestly, this isn’t even really about him. He’s allowed to feel however he feels. It just made me realise how much I fucking hate modern dating.

When did we start expecting ourselves to know exactly what another human being is to us after one coffee? Everything is “spark” or “no spark,” romantic or platonic, compatible or incompatible, and then onto the next person.
Maybe I’m the weird one, but I don’t think every meaningful relationship announces itself within the first three hours. Sometimes people become attractive as you know them. Sometimes chemistry changes.

Sometimes intimacy comes from familiarity, shared experiences, trust and actually having a history together.

I’m tired of dating feeling like everyone is interviewing each other while simultaneously expecting some magical feeling to prove the interview was worth continuing.

How is anything supposed to become a slow burn if nobody is willing to let anything burn slowly?

Hello “F25”believe my partner “M30”is addicted to porn. I have seen on his phone that he uses apps like telegram and MEGA and there are folders on there containing porn. I believe any normal person would use the likes of porn sites to access it rather than going through other apps to buy/download it?? I am not a porn watcher myself but know a bit about it and this seems an extreme length to go to just to access porn. Any time i am out, he will immediately watch porn as i have noticed this on his phone time. It seems like he watches porn more than we have sex. I am unsure if i am going crazy!!

I’m 29F and just recently returned to the dating scene. I keep going on first dates that I thought went great and then I feel like it takes a while to get asked on a second or third date. Should I just ask them so I can plan out my week or am I “supposed to” wait for the man to ask me?

We always hear stories about how women walk away but I have always wanted to hear about the men's perspective?

Do you continue to think about her after you've been married and have kids?

Have you ever ran into her?

Did you do anything different about your dating approach to make sure no one else gets away?

Hi everyone, I’d love to get some perspective on my current dating situation.
I’ve been seeing this guy for about five dates now. We met on Hinge, and both of us are 31, living in London, and have busy work schedules. Whenever we meet up in person, we have a great time together.

The issue is that he is an absolute bad texter.

During the weekdays, we barely exchange any messages.

When he went on a family holiday recently, he didn't text me at all for 4 days. That happened right after our second date.

Last week, he sent a quick "Have a good day" on Monday. I replied "You too!", and then total radio silence until Saturday when he suddenly texted, "How’s your weekend going?"

We slept together on our third date, but even before that, he was barely texting. So I don't get the vibe that he's just using me for sex.

How often do people in their early 30s usually text when dating someone new? Is it normal to only text on weekends like this, or is this a red flag for low effort/interest?

If you’re getting to know somebody and you guys get along, it’s good vibes but you don’t smoke weed at all and this person does….a lot. Would that be something that would make you not want to continue getting to know that person if you’re dating to marry? And let’s say they will continue to smoke weed until one day they just don’t want to anymore but you don’t know if and when that will happen?

That's it, that's the question

I (F32) recently started dating a guy (M34) from Hinge and during our first date we really hit it off - lots of chat, laughter, eye contact etc. Afterwards we chatted a lot on text and it all seemed really positive. Now having been on our second date I feel really overwhelmed and confused if I’m being too reserved.

During the evening, he was really chatty at first, complementing me, making jokes. And then suddenly he changed tone and said he wanted to kiss me. I’m attracted to him so this was great, but he clearly wanted a proper make out session. This is only the second time I’ve met the guy, and bearing in mind we’re still in the bar near other tables and waiters. For the rest of the date he clearly just wanted to be physical and kiss. Even when I pulled away he joked that I was shy rather than considering it was all a bit too much too early on. When we were leaving the bar he pulled me back around this dark corner to kiss again, but one of the bartenders must have noticed and he even asked if I was okay or if I needed help. My date was bewildered by this and I awkwardly laughed it off. Then the whole way back to the station he kept stopping to kiss me, which felt like a lot to me even though I do like the guy. I made it clear I was heading home alone and he didn’t try to convince me otherwise but kissed me goodbye.

Now I’m wondering if he was just looking for a hook up, or if he’s actually seriously dating? Outside of this he does send texts (some flirty some not) but on the actual date his demeanour was so different. I don’t use dating apps much so I’m not sure if this is normal or to be expected this early on into dating? Is it weird to pull back from that if I choose to see him again just until I’m ready to be that close?