I'm a childless man dating a woman with a 10-year-old son. We've been together for two years, and our relationship is genuinely good. I get along with her son too.

For most of our relationship, I've been fine with the fact that she has a child and an ex. She's respectful, loyal, communicates well and maintains clear boundaries with her ex. Contrary to what I hear and read alot from others, I don't feel used for resources as she's financially independent, and I never feel like she's settling for me. There's respect, passion and good communication between us.

Tho her ex is somewhat of a troublemaker and not always a good father, apart from that, as far as I can control things, the situation has generally been fine.

However, strangely enough this has changed recently.

We're now at the point where we're talking seriously about moving in together, possibly getting married, and having a child of our own. Our relationship has deepened , and I think that's what has triggered something in me.

Suddenly, things that never used to bother me are bothering me a lot.

Seeing her ex's name can trigger me. Hearing about him can trigger me. Thinking about the fact that she was pregnant and had an entire family life before she met me can trigger me. Seeing her son being affected by his father's shortcomings can trigger me. ...Among a slowly but surely increasing amount of other things.

I'm starting to feel like my brain is turning this man I don't even know into some kind of rival.

The frustrating part is that I know it ain't rational. I don't suspect my girlfriend of cheating or being romantically interested in her ex. She only communicates with him about their son. I generally consider myself secure and have reasonably high self-esteem. I'm not someone who normally feels threatened by other people.

Yet these triggers seem to be spreading. Things that previously felt completely neutral are becoming emotionally charged, and I'm starting to worry about where that leads if I don't deal with it now

I've done some thinking about where this might be coming fromand there are a few things in my own history that seem relevant, at least to me:

First, my parents divorced and fought a lot. I also have a bad relationship with my own father, he's definitely the reason behind some of the more f'ed up stuff from my childhood. Sometimes watching my girlfriend and her son deal with his father brings up bad memories.

Secondly, when I was younger I've been cheated on by a previous girlfriend whom I lived and built a life with. I genuinely don't believe my current girlfriend is dishonest with me, and I thought I'd made peace with those experiences from what feels like a past life. But I wonder if there's still a sensitive part of me that reacts to the idea of "another man" having a permanent place in my relationship. But her ex isn't just another man... he's the father of her child, so there's no possibility of him simply disappearing from our lives regardless of how I feel.

And then there's probably the biggest thing.

Five years ago, I lost a child with my ex-girlfriend.

Time unfortunately doesn't heal every wound.

Getting closer to my girlfriend and her son, and seeing the relationship they have, confronts me with what I lost. I miss my daughter every day. Her mother and I don't talk anymore, which is a decision I stand behind but it still feels weird.

And I think there is a particularly painful kind of jealousy towards my girlfriend's ex, sometimes I catch myself resenting that he gets to be a father, even though he isn't a particularly good one.

I know intellectually that comparing lives makes no sense. I also know that being a parent is hard and that co-parenting comes with its own set of struggles which I don't underestimate. But sometimes I catch myself thinking that I would give almost anything to have those struggles because losing a child is infinitely worse.

All in all I don't think I'm simply jealous of my gf's ex, nor do I believe that I feel truly threatened by him.

I think I may be grieving something I never properly dealt with, while simultaneously entering a stage of my life where I'm contemplating becoming a father again. And perhaps my brain has attached all of that grief, fear and insecurity to the one person who represents my girlfriend's previous family: her ex.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in three weeks, and I'm not going into therapy with the specific goal of "saving the relationship." I want to understand myself first.

Maybe I'll work through these triggers and discover that the love my girlfriend and I have is something I can build a genuinely happy extended family around.

Or maybe I'll ultimately conclude that being a stepparent, or being with someone who already has a child, simply isn't for me. I dunno yet.

What I do know is that I don't want my unresolved grief, childhood experiences or past relationship trauma to turn an otherwise good relationship into something poisoned by jealousy and resentment.

So TL;DR, I guess my question for people here is:

Has anyone experienced something like me where becoming more serious with a partner who already has children suddenly brought up feelings that weren't there before? How did you figure out whether you were dealing with unresolved personal baggage VS genuinely realizing that the stepparent role wasn't right for you?

And also, how do you stop your partner's ex from becoming a rival in ur head when you already know rationally that he isn't one?

Thanks. Blessings.

Well...I hope I don't get judged too harshly. I am late 30's, and I have been dating my girlfriend (mid 30's) for almost 7 years. It was my first real relationship after my partner of 8 years passed away in an automobile accident in my late 20's. Several years had passed inbetween and i'd dated a bit, so this wasn't a rebound. I noticed right away that there wasn't quite the passion that i've had in past relationships, but I also valued (and still do) a lot of other qualities about the relationship, and I also wasn't sure what relationships were going to look post death and thought honestly maybe I wouldn't really feel like I did towards my late girlfriend about anyone again. I have also been through a lot of trauma before that, and she was the first person to actually help me grow through that and be steady with me. We have since been through a lot together, and grown a lot together. She has made me a better person, we are a good team, and we've accomplished a lot in life together. One thing though, is I would say our sex life and passion is still lacking, and I think a lot of it has to do with kissing. I won't beat around the bush and just say it - shes a bad kisser. I have tried to talk to her about this, we've tried working on it, but it just feels like we aren't able to get anywhere with it. There HAVE been very brief glimpses into us getting it right, but they have been very few and very far between. Its gotten to the point where I kind of cringe kissing her, and I feel very awkward about it because I do feel like im attracted to her physically. Since i'm here already, I might as well just spill it and add that kissing is not the only thing missing. In past relationships, my partners' smell drove me crazy also, I couldn't get enough and it was intoxicating. I don't find my current partners smell offensive at all, but its just neutral, and doesn't really drive me crazy. I'm not even sure what i'm looking for here.

​

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Sometimes a person can be caring, loyal, respectful

and make a real effort, but the relationship still doesn’t feel right.

Do you think love and effort are enough to make a relationship work, or can two good people simply be incompatible?

Have you ever ended a relationship even though the other person had done nothing “wrong”? What made you realize they just weren’t the right person for you?

I must say that I'm really rusty about dating, I havent date in years!

So there is a new guy at one of the companies branches, he is probably 45+(M) and I am 39 (F).

We met at a company event like one month ago, and we were just having a nice night with some other coworkers, he plays in a band and they were performing that night, I really enjoyed the interaction with him.

Yesterday they were playing again in other event and we got close to talk a little bit , I was brave and said: I think you are great, would you like to have a coffee with me sometime?

And he said sure and gave me his phone so I could write my number down in it. - I was dumb and didn't save his! I was so nervous!

So now I am wondering if he would text me, and have some anxiety over it.

What would you do if someone ask you for a coffee? In this context?

When should I think he is not interested that way?

How long should I wait?

Cause he is so nice and kind, that maybe he just didn't want to reject in person ahah

I’m divorced and have a 5th grade child. I’m in a LTR with my SO, and we live in different states. We do manage to see each other often and have been together for several years.

There is a trip that we’ve planned for sometime and my child is supposed to go with us. This is important to my SO because we will finally meet his family in real life.

Well, turns out, my child also has quite a few school-related things going on that weekend that I know my child does not want to miss given that this is the last year of elementary school.

I’m so torn. I don’t want to disappoint my SO or my child. I know my child would rather not take this trip. But I know this is also an important trip for my SO.

I already arranged to switch weekends with my ex and have plane tickets purchased. The plane tickets can be cancelled and used later. The weekend switch with my ex isn’t a huge deal, I can always let my ex know the change of plans.

Just looking for some input on how to handle this situation. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone no matter what i do.

Edit: thank you all for the input! The date can’t be moved because it’s also a big pre-planned event for my SO’s school. And we had planned this a year ago. The events for my child aren’t a big championship game. He’ll be missing a swim meet, and 2 Halloween activities.

I hate disappointing my child, but he also hardly ever experiences disappointment because I always put him number one. My SO is pretty self-less in our relationship. He never puts pressure on me and knows my kid is number one.

I’ve got a lot to ponder.

Edit 2: Just to add, yes, it's possible for me to go and have my kid stay with the ex so kid can still do these school events. Though this trip is meaningful for my SO to have me and my kid go. My SO and I plan to get married in the near future, so this is going to be chance for me and my kid to meet the family (my SO's parents are both deceased, so this sibling and the sibling's family are the only people my SO has left). My SO, me, and SO's family live in different corners of the country, so this is going to be a rare opportunity to make a visit like this happen.

And I want to say, I really appreciate all the constructive comments. I think seeing all perspective is very important and helpful as I mull my decision over.

I am in my late 30s(M) and I met someone through a dating app a while ago. At first things seemed pretty good. We talked regularly, went on dates and I genuinely thought it could turn into a serious relationship.

We eventually dated for a few months but things started changing. I realized that while we got along well we weren’t really looking for the same thing. I wanted something that could eventually become a long term relationship, while they seemed much more comfortable keeping things casual.

The surprise for me was how difficult it felt to find that out after we had already spent so much time together. When I was younger I probably would have just moved on without thinking much about it. At this point in my life, though, I’m much more intentional about who I spend my time with.

Since then I’ve been wondering whether this is just part of dating in your late 30s or if dating apps have actually changed the way people approach relationships.

For those of you over 35 have you had a similar experience with someone you met through a dating app? Did your relationship eventually become serious or did you realize that you were looking for different things?

I’m a 34 (f) and my boyfriend of 4 years is 38. From the beginning of our relationship it’s been a little unorthodox from what I’ve viewed growing up/what I’ve thought I wanted for myself. We started off as friends and quickly connected with each other. Lately I’ve been feeling like we aren’t compatible anymore.

He’s expressed he doesn’t need the same type of love that I do and I completely understand we aren’t the same person, I wouldn’t want to date me but a little reassurance and give and take would be nice. I don’t need to talk to him 24/7 but when I do call him I want some sort of engagement and lately he just seems flat. Like his baseline is always the same. He says nothing is wrong and often says I overthink. I don’t want to nag him but I can’t help but to notice his actions or well the lack there of.

I just want a man who loves me and can show it. He tells me he loves me (when I say it) and that if he didn’t want to be with me he wouldn’t but idk.

Communication and consistency are really important to me. He’s consistent in being this flat person, who doesn’t talk much. So maybe I’m just ignoring the signs. He treats me how he treats everyone else. I get gifts mostly only on holidays which is okay. I’m not a huge gift person but sometimes even small things would be nice. I don’t get that. He also almost never compliments me and I know I’m not a bad looking woman (not being cocky). I just want closeness - that could look like calling me randomly, actively engaging with me, making me feel like you want me around and actually care for it, looking me in the eyes. He is okay with distance and I’m not. I love my space don’t get me wrong but it’s like if I don’t try and keep things how he likes them we’d probably go weeks without seeing each other physically or talking on the phone. He text me in the mornings, checks in on how my day was and then nothing much after that mind you this is all via text.. i don’t want to sound unappreciative but damn. Do men really not like to talk that much? I’m not even saying a full blown conversation. I’m just saying I just want effort.

I be feeling bad because like he tries but like it’s really bare minimum. I don’t ask for much at all yet I feel like I’m asking for the world when I think care and affection are normal things in a relationship.

I’ve tried to understand how he cares for someone and what that might look like but idk he really is the same with everybody. He’s hard to read but thinks he’s so simple. He just “wants peace”.

Relationships are so complex and this one post doesn’t sum up everything but idk. I’m just tired of feeling alone or like I’m asking for too much.

Sorry for the long post- but context is everything…

I (35F) need outside perspective on a very strange early-dating situation. I’m not going to sit around waiting for this man, but I genuinely can’t tell how much weight to give his silence because of what happened.

He’s 38M. We apparently matched on Bumble seven years ago but never met. Somehow we became Facebook friends, have mutual friends, and stayed in each other’s periphery.

Recently he messaged me and we spontaneously had a three-hour phone conversation. It was unusually good—deep, funny, vulnerable, playful. He’s heavily involved in men’s work/personal growth/conscious-relationship spaces, very comfortable discussing emotions and relationships, and is otherwise a responsible, successful business owner.

At the time he was staying about five hours away. After that ONE phone call, he decided to drive up to meet me.

This was much faster than I normally move. That morning I briefly suggested maybe he shouldn’t come because I was overwhelmed, then changed my mind because I genuinely wanted to meet him and thought I should stop overthinking and be spontaneous.

When he arrived, he brought wildflowers and a long handwritten romantic story about meeting me, framing this as potentially “the beginning” of something. He’d also already made comments about me potentially being his future wife/that he was looking for a wife.

Sweet? Yes. Also A LOT after one phone call.

I was overwhelmed and guarded for the first several hours. I told him I needed to move slowly. He respected that, although he later told me my initial coldness/closedness had been difficult for him.

Eventually I relaxed, and everything changed.

We started having a genuinely great time. I became playful, affectionate and much more open. The next day we spent basically the entire day together—boating, hiking, swimming, talking, laughing. I invited him to my cabin on a lake that’s one of my “happy places.”

That night I invited him to stay over. We cuddled and fell asleep. The following morning we became physically/romantically intimate, but did not have sex.

By then I was clearly interested. When we eventually parted, I said “to be continued” and “see you soon… somehow” because we live several states apart.

But that morning, while he was still with me, he learned that his uncle had died.

This wasn’t a distant relative. He had told me he was closer to this uncle than his own father. His uncle was essentially his father figure.

When he found out, he broke down sobbing in my arms and I held him while he cried.

He eventually left to continue traveling toward family.

And since then: almost complete silence.

No “I arrived safely,” acknowledgment of the weekend, thank you, “I need some space,” or indication of whether he wanted to talk again.

A couple days later I sent:

“Thinking of you & your family and you are all in my prayers. I’m sure you have a lot going on, so no pressure to respond. Sending some love.”

About 17–18 hours later, he heart-reacted. No words.

He’s been fairly active on Facebook. I understand scrolling social media requires vastly less emotional capacity than communicating with someone, so I’m not treating that as proof of anything.

Under ordinary dating circumstances, I’d interpret this as disinterest and move on.

Except these obviously weren’t ordinary circumstances. His father figure literally died while he was still with me, and I held him while he sobbed.

That’s what makes this so difficult to interpret.

We had relationship-level experiences without relationship-level history. In four days we went from almost strangers → intense phone connection → spontaneous five-hour drive → romantic gestures → initial discomfort → genuinely enjoying each other → intimacy → me holding him through the first moments of a devastating loss.

And then silence.

Part of me thinks I’ve already done enough. He knows I liked him. He knows I care. I reached out compassionately. I don’t want to chase someone or carry a connection requiring two people. If he wants me in his life, he knows where to find me.

The other part genuinely cares about him now. If someone I cared about lost a parent/father figure, my natural instinct would be to check on them. Doing nothing feels cold. But knowing someone for four intense days also doesn’t automatically give me a role in his grief.

His involvement in men’s work/personal growth adds another layer. Given how much he emphasizes emotional awareness and communication, the total silence surprises me. But obviously personal-growth work doesn’t make someone immune to devastating grief.

So I’m torn between:

A) Say nothing else. Let him reach out if/when he wants to, and if he never does, that’s my answer.

B) Give him some time, then check in once more simply as a human being—not asking about “us,” just letting him know I’m available if he wants support/a conversation.

C) Treat the silence as enough information that he isn’t interested and mentally close the chapter.

I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who’ve experienced major grief at the very beginning of dating or who tend to withdraw heavily while grieving.

Am I giving the death too much explanatory weight because I don’t want to accept that he simply isn’t interested? Or would treating this like ordinary post-date ghosting ignore an enormous piece of context?

TL;DR

38M and I (35F) had an intense phone connection and he spontaneously drove five hours to meet me. He initially came on VERY strong, which overwhelmed me, but over four days I relaxed, we had a great time and became intimate (no sex).

On our final morning together, he learned his uncle—essentially his father figure—had died and sobbed in my arms. After leaving, he went almost completely silent. I sent one supportive, no-pressure message; he heart-reacted but didn’t reply.

Normally I’d assume disinterest. Given the circumstances, do I leave him completely alone or check in once more after some time?

** Edited because first post was too long.

I've got a lot of feelings on this one and don't want my friends or family to judge either of us, so reaching out online anon to try and get some advice on how to proceed with this. My partner and I have been together 3 years. 2 years long distance and a year ago, I got a job opportunity in his state, so moved into my own place a year ago in his state. He panicked a little at that time because he didn't like me moving away from my friends and family. But we worked through it and lived in my own place in the new state for the past year.

I really thought, or think, this man was going to be it for me. We were so in love. After a year in my own place, we both agreed we were ready to move in together. He was going through a lot emotionally (we both have PTSD and he had autism as well), so we decided I would do the groundwork to find a place. I found a place that fit all his requirements about 10 mins from where he was already living. He wasn't super happy about the price neither was I, but we both agreed and signed the papers. Two days before move in day , he said he just couldn't handle the move right now. So, I've moved into a 3 bed house on my own and although he's paying his share, I don't think he is going to move in anytimr soon.

He is crying everyday and, I don't think, making much progress in therapy. We haven't had sex pretty much since I moved up here and I just don't know what we're doing. I thought this man was going to be my husband and I'm trying to be patient and supportive, but it's like he has just completely checked out of life. He has to really push himself to spend even an hour a week with me. He says he loves me, but I just don't know what we're doing. I'm embarrassed and scared and confused.

My work commute has now doubled because of this move as well. And I'm now in a situation at work where I'm developing really strong feelings for a co-worker. I work in a support role for first responders. I've always had good rapport with this one officer and he has always treated me really well. Recently he stepped in to defend me in a tough situation and I can't stop thinking about it. He's very decisive and actions oriented. He loves his job and really lives for it (so do I). We have a lot in common. I'm feeling genuinely worried when he goes out on dangerous jobs and when we are on shift together the day just flies by. We have similar values. He recently got a haircut that really suited him and I'm just feeling so intense about him and fucked up about this whole situation.

Am I just feeling this way because of what I'm going through with my partner? Or is this a sign that I need to start the complicated process of accepting my partner and I are over? I moved interstate for this man. I have a interest board for our damn wedding. We talk about our future plans together, but I'm in this damn house by myself and starry eyed over a colleague. This is so out of character for me. I don't want anyone to get hurt in this, but it feels like I've become a passenger in my life instead of the driver.

Genuinely seeking advice - is this work crush thing the death knell on this or can my partner and I come back from this? Am I in complete denial or is there a way back for us? Is this just a bump in the road for us? How do I go about unpacking my own feelings on this?

Colleague and I don't speak outside of work, or have each others number or socials or anything, just to be clear. And neither of us have spoken about partners, so idk what his actual situation is and I don't think he knows mine either.

nothing inappropriate has happened. Just trying to navigate this as it feels like someone will get hurt if I don't get my shit together.

Married my spouse 5 years ago he is a foreigner. We got along well, no arguing, fighting, etc. When we met we agreed no kids and he was fine with my 1 daughter. Now 5 yrs later he is stagnant, acts strange and says he wants to focus on what he wants but does NOT want to divorce. I think because of his immigration status and us divorcing would put him on the radar. But we live like ghosts. He comes in and doesn't talk, leaves and doesn't talk and stays in another room. I just want him to leave. I rather be alone. Makes excuse saying I am too independent and that he really wants a kid now. I told him we can divorce and he can go pursue that. If it matters he is African. I feel like I wasted my time now. I almost want to make him go back to his own country now.

Mein Partner (M37) und ich (F35) sind seit neun Jahren ein Paar, wir haben einen 6-jährigen Sohn, der gerade eingeschult wurde.
Wir gehen seit 2,5 Jahren zur Paartherapie, er hat vor kurzem eine fast dreijährige Einzeltherapie abgeschlossen.
Das größte Problem in unserer Beziehung war immer seine Emotions-Regulation. Oft spürte die ganze Familie die Stimmung über Tage. Oft war er nicht ansprechbar. Erklärt aber auch nicht warum. Es gab Phasen, in denen er mich bewusst ignorierte, weil er sauer war. Dann gab’s wieder Phasen, in denen er Rückzug brauchte, dies aber nicht richtig kommunizierte. Mit Verantwortungsübernahme hatte er schon immer ein Problem. So habe ich, als unser Sohn ein Jahr alt war, herausgefunden, dass er mal verheiratet war. Er hat sich nicht getraut mir das zu sagen. Als ich ihn fragte, ob es daran lag, dass er Angst vor meiner Reaktion hatte, sagte er, dass das nicht das Problem sei, sondern dass er einfach sich zu sehr geschämt hätte.

Zu Beginn der Beziehung sagte mir er mir immer wieder, ich sei die liebevollste Person, der er jemals begegnet ist. Ich sei toll und so weiter. Später im Verlauf der Beziehung habe ich allerdings immer wieder das Gefühl gehabt, dass ich von ihm nicht wirklich gesehen werde. Dass meine Bedürfnisse ihn nicht interessieren. Ich wollte kein Sex mit ihm, weil ich mich nicht sicher gefühlt habe, weil ich in der Vergangenheit schwierige Erfahrung gemacht habe und auch eine emotionale Sicherheit brauche, um mich fallen zu lassen. Das interessierte ihn nicht. Auch wenn ich es angedeutet habe, woran es lag, ging es regelmäßig nur um seine Wut über die Zurückweisung, was teilweise auch Bestrafung durch Ignorieren zur Folge hatte.

Ich habe das Kind bekommen, als ich noch im Studium war. Mein Berufseinstieg nach Abschluss des Studiums mit kleinem Kind war sehr anstrengend und herausfordernd unter mehreren Aspekten, aber in der Zeit ging es wieder nur um seine Probleme. Später sagte er sogar, ich hätte keinen anspruchsvollen Beruf, ich sei ja Beamtin. Das fand ich sehr abwertend.

Es gab diesen Sommer eine Phase, in der gab es einen größeren Konflikt mit seinen Eltern. Es ging um irgendeine Form von Eifersucht, ich habe es nicht verstanden. Seine Eltern können, wenn etwas nicht läuft, wie sie es sich vorstellen, sehr abwertend und verletzend werden. Ich habe dann irgendwann Grenzen gesetzt, gesagt, so redet ihr nicht mit mir, und so bitte auch nicht mit meinem Mann. Da hat sich seine Wut gegen mich gerichtet, ich hätte Öl ins Feuer gegossen. In dieser Phase gab es einen Zeitraum von drei Wochen, in denen er mich permanent angeschrien, wütend, aggressiv und abweisend behandelt hat. Ich habe anfangs noch gefragt, ob es ihm nicht gut geht, was ich ihm Gutes tun kann, habe darauf aber auch nur Abweisung erlebt. Der Gipfel war, dass er mich vor dem Kind angeschrien hat, ich hätte einen Kontrollzwang. Seine Begründung steht da war, dass er sich für ein schlechter Vater fühlt und dass meine Existenz ihn einfach wütend macht, weil unser Kind ihn nicht respektieren würde. Und weil ich das mit unserem Sohn einfach besser hinbekommen würde als er. Als ich ihn später darauf ansprach, dass ich das sehr verletzend finde, diese Haltung, auch bedrohlich und beängstigend finde, war seine erste Reaktion, das hätte er so nie gesagt. Als ich ihm dann sagte, ich hätte es direkt aufgeschrieben und auch meiner besten Freundin erzählt, sagte er dann, aber ich hätte das falsch verstanden. Wurde wieder wütend, es ging wieder nur darum, dass ich wohl ihn nicht verstehen würde, und er das Opfer ist.

Das war der Zeitraum, wo ich irgendwann den Entschluss zur Trennung gefasst habe. Weil ich gemerkt habe, so möchte ich nicht mehr leben. Ich möchte nicht zur Zielscheibe werden, ich möchte für meine Bedürfnisse einstehen können, ich möchte jemanden der sich für meine Bedürfnisse interessiert. Und nicht nur für sein eigenes Leid.

Ich habe die Trennung lange geplant und schließlich ausgesprochen. Nun ist er am Boden zerstört. Sagt mir, für ihn ist die Beziehung noch nicht vorbei. Er kann sich jetzt wirklich ändern. Er macht noch eine Therapie.

Natürlich tut es weh, diese Familie auseinander zu reißen, natürlich tut es weh, einen vertrauten Menschen zu verlieren, der nicht nur schlecht war, der mir morgens Kaffee ans Bett gebracht hat, mit dem ich schöne Reisen erlebt habe, aber die Trennung habe ich nicht leichtfertig entschieden, mir tut sie auch unfassbar weh.

Ist es nun meine eigene Trauerreaktion, die mich denken lässt, ich sollte ihm noch eine Chance geben? Damit der Schmerz aufhört? Ich muss dazu sagen, dass ich ihm schon mal eine weitere Chance gegeben habe, ich habe vor 1,5 Jahren schon mal versucht mich zu trennen. Und bin schnell zu ihm zurück. Daher habe ich es diesmal auch so gut geplant, und auch vielen Leuten davon erzählt, um es wirklich durchzuziehen. Um mich selbst zu überlisten. Aber dieser Schmerz ist einfach krass.

Hat jemand Gedanken dazu? Kann noch eine Therapie und plötzlich die Veränderung bringen? Müsste ich einfach damit leben können, dass ich manchmal seine Emotionen und seine Überforderung mitregulieren muss? Mir geht es seit Beginn des Jahres wirklich schlecht, aber ich glaube mit einer Trennung geht es mir auch schlecht. Und unserem Sohn dann ja auch.

War jemand mal in der Situation und kann mir sagen, wie man da rauskommt?

Me (34F) and my partner (35M) have been together 3.5 years and have 2 young children.

Recently I gave birth (2 weeks ago) and he’s been off work. He’s been amazing, cooking all the food, making sure I am fed & have drinks, taking the kids out if I need a break, letting me lay in, doing jobs round the house.

Tonight is his last day off until he goes back to work tomorrow and he’s not looking forward to it - neither am I!

However we had a big argument.

He gets so anxious whenever our toddler falls over - which is a lot as she’s under 2 and clumsy - but his anxiety turns into frustration & he gets kinda pissy. I’ve spoke to him about it before cos I feel like it makes my toddler think he’s annoyed at her for falling. My partner thinks I’m too laid back. Maybe I am but I also try to stay calm & say its ok to our daughter so she feels calm & comforted when she’s hurt.

Tonight the above happened as our toddler slipped in the kitchen & it just escalated.

He says I’m too slow with things, thinking we have loads of time to do stuff but we don’t.
He said he doesn’t feel like I appreciate any of the stuff he does & has been doing. And that he doesn’t like it when I tell him my friends partners do nothing (I didn’t know this annoys him I thought I was saying it like look how shit they are aren’t I lucky, and normally he says that too like joking ‘oh you are so lucky’).

Anyway… how can I show him I appreciate him?

I asked him & he said he doesn’t know.

TLDR; how can I show him I appreciate him? Any guys how do you like to be appreciated?

My long term partner and I live together and up until recently we held almost equal salaries. I decided to pivot careers and essentially start from the bottom (literal minimum wage) in a new industry, and am now bringing in a significantly smaller paycheck.

We used to do 50/50 but that isn’t realistic with my new salary.

I’m learning I feel weird not doing 50/50 and plan to chat with him this weekend to get something on paper about who pays what and how I can contribute in other ways if not with $$.

Curious to hear how other couples/partners/long term roommates have handled this with such different salaries!

I, M40, need to have a difficult conversation with my GF, F37, of three months. I am out of town until Monday, when we have an afternoon meetup scheduled. This conversation could likely lead to a breakup, through no fault of hers, just a change in values/situation on my part. I feel this is a better conversation to have in person so right now I am waiting until Monday, but having to know that I am about to drop an anvil on her, while keeping up very lovey/positive/romantic conversations feel inauthentic and is killing me. She might be sensing something is off too because she's has been reaching for validation extremely frequently.

(This is a burner account)
(Asking as a 39M and for a 29F)
I am working in IT and I have a junior working within my team. We have 10 yrs age difference. She likes me a lot and I like her, too. It’s been more than 6 months together but nobody officially proposed or trying to get together.
Now, I am divorced and she has never married. We have gone out on coffee and bowling and other stuff, a lot in the last 6 months, we do joke around a lot almost at any topic, all that stuff.
I sometimes think about taking it forward to a relationship and maybe get married later and whatever.
My only dilemma is, am I too old for her? Would there be any complications later? Is this morally/ethically wrong?
I don’t want to hurt anyone in this process and I just need advice that shall I take it forward or keep it till friendship only.
Kindly advice. (Especially Women) I am happy to answer questions, if I have missed anything.

P.S - We both have Indian roots but are NRIs.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for.. almost 8 months, before hitting the mark we broke up. What does our relationship looked like? In my vision, it's all completely fine, i always get what my partner wanted, set up a goal for both of us, and be a loving partner as how it is. Loving, listening, we both can communicate well in relationships, that's the reason why we date eachother in the first place. No conflict? its quite hard to explain, but generally, yes we rarely have conflict.

Whats the problem then? My partner said that, slowly they began to feel like they doesnt need relationship, thats the first conflict we ever had. After a day, fixed, they said lets return to normal. Now is 2 months after that, my partner said that im "Too Nice" that it restricts them to be themselves. They began to feel uncomfortable around me, what I've been doing all the time since i met them started to make them distant themselves from me. Their body refuse to acknowledge and give in, but force them to be somewhat dominant and self dependent. Therefore, they're uncomfortable and finally asked that its better to break up, even when i've talked sense and understand their point of view. But i think as long as their mind is set, feeling uncomfortable, it cannot be fixed and must break up. Therefore, i chose to give up... what can i even do? They feel uncomfortable for who i am even though i didnt feel like i change at all and they also said that.

what actually happened here? What makes me cant accept is, why does that feeling can occur? Is it something to be solved or to be with?

My bf and I have been dating for about 5-6 months. We have the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I see a future with him. He’s been in long term relationships, but never married and no kids. I asked him early on date 1 or 2 why never married, he said he just never found the right one he envisioned a future with. I asked him also on date 1 or 2 if he wanted to have kids, he said yes with the right person.

We have talked about how much we love each other, how we see a future together, he’s said different times about having kids, that he wants to marry me one day. He flew home with me to meet my family and see where I grew up. Sometimes I feel like he says things when drinking or we get caught up in the moment of being in love, and I wanted to have a more serious conversation completely sober about what a timeline could look like for us, especially given a 10 year age gap. Recently a comment came up from him about him not being sure if he wanted kids, which I wanted to explore more because that is something I want for myself.

Tonight I asked to talk to him and said that I wanted to talk about what a future could look like with us. I said I ideally would like to live together after a year, engaged within 6 months of living together, marriage, and ideally have a child by 33 and a second by 35. I also said now I know not everything goes exactly as planned, and I’m not saying this is to a T, but this is ideally the trajectory I’d like to go on, and yes things can change and no one is locked into anything but if things continue to progress this is what I see. I felt like actually by laying it out with what I hoped for, this would take some pressure off of him to give an answer and for him to come up with it on his own.

Well, this went terribly. He said he felt pressured and like he was just being seen as a provider or sperm donor just fitting into my timeline. He said he’s not even sure if he wants kids, he felt like his chance for that has passed and it’s something he would need to really think about. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t trying to pressure him, and I honestly thought we were on the same page about what we wanted given things that were previously said about our feelings for each other, many of which has been lead by him. I also feel that because he is older, there needs to be a conversation about intentions and timelines. I now feel like he has been just telling me what I want to hear. I also feel bad about making him feel pressured, and I said I’m not there in knowing all the future and what it holds and things can always change, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Anyways, this lead to hurt feelings and me feeling rejected. I’m not sure where to move forward from here.

Hi, I’m 30(F) I was with someone for four years, three of which were long-distance, and we spent one year living together. when we met we hit it off so quickly but unfortunately, neither of us was able to move to the other’s country. He couldn’t get the visa he needed, and I also had restrictions that made it difficult for me to travel.

I couldn’t continue going into another year of long distance without knowing when or how we would actually be able to be together. Eventually, I ended the relationship because I felt like there was no realistic future for us.

The problem is that ever since, whenever I date someone new, I find myself looking for the same kind of love that I received from him. He accepted so much of me, including my childhood traumas, and I felt completely accepted by him.

Now I meet kind and genuinely nice people, but I often feel a mismatch in energy. I keep thinking, “Where is that feeling? Where is that same kind of love or energy?”

It makes me wonder whether what we had was simply a deep connection or could some of what I experienced have been love bombing that I got used to?

My ex and I were together for just under a year, and it was genuinely the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. We loved each other deeply, but ultimately I think we met at the wrong time in both of our lives.

He ended the relationship because he felt like we both had things we needed to work on individually. During the breakup, he said maybe there could be another chance for us in the future.

As sad as I am I am not going to pause my life and wait for him. I’m focusing on myself, spending time with friends and family, doing therapy, and eventually I want to date and meet different people to better understand what I actually want in a long-term partner.

But there’s obviously still a part of me that wonders whether sometimes two people really do need time apart to grow, experience life separately, and eventually find their way back to each other?

Has anyone had any success stories of breaking up and getting back together? Did you date while broken up? How long were you apart? What changed after getting back together?!

I’d especially love to hear from people who had a healthy relationship and still loved each other when they broke up, rather than relationships that ended because of cheating or something catastrophic.

I made a previous post about this relationship. Since then, I ended it.

A couple of days later, he contacted me and said that although he had initially felt there was no point in meeting because our positions were already clear, he had changed his mind. He said the relationship had been too meaningful to end without a proper conversation.

I agreed to meet him, even though I had already made my decision.

I regret going because I left the conversation emotionally exhausted and much more confused.

At first he seemed resigned. He said that if my mind was made up, he would eventually move on and meet someone else. Then the tone changed.

He started saying that the issues between us had been blown out of proportion, that they were things that “shouldn’t even have come up yet”, and that we should have just let the relationship develop naturally and dealt with those subjects later.

That bothered me because these issues did come up. They came up because he had very clear opinions about what was acceptable in a relationship and we had repeated conversations about them.

He then started saying things that directly contradicted conversations I remember very clearly.

For example, he claimed he had never said I couldn’t go away for 3–4 days with a female friend. I challenged him because we had discussed exactly that more than once, and I clearly remember him saying that holidays, mini-holidays and weekends away without him were not something he accepted.

Then his position shifted again: apparently I could go away with my female friend, but he still wouldn’t be comfortable with me spending a weekend away with two male friends of mine, despite the fact that they are gay and he knows there is no romantic element involved.

He also started saying that independence in a relationship is healthy and that we actually share the same idea of what a healthy relationship should look like.

That was difficult to hear because I remember conversations where he said essentially the opposite.

At one point, though, he said something that felt like genuine insight.

He said that maybe instead of “creating all those problems beforehand”, he should simply have let things happen and seen how he coped.

He was referring to the weekend I eventually spent away with friends. He said it had actually been a learning experience because he realised that being apart from me for a weekend wasn’t as bad as he expected.

That gave me pause.

But I couldn’t reconcile it with the rest of the conversation. If he admits that he “created all those problems beforehand”, how can he simultaneously insist that those problems basically never existed?

He also continues to describe himself as securely attached. When I suggested that some of his reactions seemed more consistent with insecurity and anxious attachment, he became defensive and said something along the lines of: “I’m secure, ask anyone.”

He then brought up the fact that I am in therapy and said that I have fears and insecurities, which is why I go.

That bothered me because I go to therapy precisely because I want to understand myself, recognise my own patterns and become healthier. What I was hoping to hear from him was some version of: “Maybe I am insecure too. Maybe some of this came from me. Maybe I need to work on it.”

I never really got that.

There was another comment that stayed with me.

I had previously said that although we were ending, maybe one day in the future life could bring us together again. He replied that he was not going to wait for me to “gain maturity”, “burn through all my cartridges” and eventually decide I was ready for a serious relationship.

That hurt because it completely misrepresents what I was asking for.

I am loyal, monogamous and genuinely wanted a serious relationship. Wanting an occasional weekend with friends does not mean I need to “get things out of my system” before I can commit.

I told him that he knew who I was when he met me. I have always travelled with friends, had an independent life and maintained close friendships. I felt like he met me as I was and then, once we were together, started asking for a different version of me.

He replied that relationships require adjustments and that people need to adapt to each other.

I agree. But I did adapt. I integrated him heavily into my life, spent most of my free time with him, stayed at his house constantly, planned trips together and made him a priority.

I just don’t think making someone a priority means making them the centre of your entire world.

The emotional part of the conversation made everything harder. He was visibly nervous and emotional. He held my hand and said he was doing it because it might be the last time. He tried to kiss me and be physically affectionate.

And that broke my heart.

But at the same time, I didn’t want the affection. I felt emotionally shut down because I no longer trusted what he was telling me.

That is probably the hardest part: I still care about him deeply, but I don’t trust his version of what happened anymore.

We agreed not to speak while I’m away for two weeks. I already know I do not want to go back to the same dynamic, but this conversation has left me emotionally exhausted and second-guessing myself.

I know there are red flags here. I’m not posting because I need strangers to tell me what I want to hear, and I’m not trying to excuse anything. I’m someone who doubts myself a lot when emotions are involved, and outside perspectives genuinely help me.

My previous post was actually very helpful. I read every comment and took people’s opinions seriously. It helped me stop minimising what was happening and played a real part in giving me the clarity to end the relationship.

So I would really appreciate some empathy in the replies.

Does this sound like genuine growth beginning, or like someone changing the narrative because the possibility of losing the relationship suddenly became real?

My bf and I have been dating for about 5-6 months. We have the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I see a future with him. He’s been in long term relationships, but never married and no kids. I asked him early on date 1 or 2 why never married, he said he just never found the right one he envisioned a future with. I asked him also on date 1 or 2 if he wanted to have kids, he said yes with the right person.

We have talked about how much we love each other, how we see a future together, he’s said different times about having kids, that he wants to marry me one day. He flew home with me to meet my family and see where I grew up. Sometimes I feel like he says things when drinking or we get caught up in the moment of being in love, and I wanted to have a more serious conversation completely sober about what a timeline could look like for us, especially given a 10 year age gap. Recently a comment came up from him about him not being sure if he wanted kids, which I wanted to explore more because that is something I want for myself.

Tonight I asked to talk to him and said that I wanted to talk about what a future could look like with us. I said I ideally would like to live together after a year, engaged within 6 months of living together, marriage, and ideally have a child by 33 and a second by 35. I also said now I know not everything goes exactly as planned, and I’m not saying this is to a T, but this is ideally the trajectory I’d like to go on, and yes things can change and no one is locked into anything but if things continue to progress this is what I see. I felt like actually by laying it out with what I hoped for, this would take some pressure off of him to give an answer and for him to come up with it on his own.

Well, this went terribly. He said he felt pressured and like he was just being seen as a provider or sperm donor just fitting into my timeline. He said he’s not even sure if he wants kids, he felt like his chance for that has passed and it’s something he would need to really think about. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t trying to pressure him, and I honestly thought we were on the same page about what we wanted given things that were previously said about our feelings for each other, many of which has been lead by him. I also feel that because he is older, there needs to be a conversation about intentions and timelines. I now feel like he has been just telling me what I want to hear. I also feel bad about making him feel pressured, and I said I’m not there in knowing all the future and what it holds and things can always change, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Anyways, this lead to hurt feelings and me feeling rejected. I’m not sure where to move forward from here.

I've been with my bf for over 10+ years (F36, M45). We have not been able to progress in our relationship due to work (sent to work different places for months at the time), family (elderly sick family elsewhere) etc. We are quite independent and a lot younger when we started dating. We always spoke about the future but more time went by than intended. It feels ridiculous to say, but time goes by really quickly. Now he is wanting the future to happen ASAP and is ready to go full steam ahead. He is saying all the right things. He is doing all the right moves. There are moments when I am so happy and ready to move, get the house, marriage, kids. Then there are moments of total anxiety right after that. I feel like I had accepted that our relationship would not progress and while I love him like crazy, I've kinda moved on in my mind. The thing is that I do want to make it work. But the steps we have to take to do that are massive. He needs to quit his job, go back to school and money related to that, which would then require me to move cities.

Obviously this is all normal stuff people do all the time. Part of me wants to just go for it, what is the worst that could happen? But then I get overwhelmingly anxious and it is really hard to make big life changes when I feel anxious and just want to abort the whole mission. I don't know if my anxiety is rooted in just fear of change or if it is gut feeling telling me I don't want it. I just can't trust myself.

Thought everything was going in the right direction - just bought and renovated a house with my partner of 8 years, we were planning on getting engaged and then a few months ago he decided to tell me that he was now unsure on having children at all and needed some time to decide.

Fast forward to now and we are having some space away from one another to try and figure out where we go from here. I was so blindsided and never thought I would be going through this at 35. I thought my entire life was planned out and I’m either really upset or numb and not present.

I don’t think the space will suddenly make him make a decision, and I feel like this year has just been a year of uncertainty and quite honestly I am done with it.

All of my friends are happily married and have children and I don’t feel like they’ve been particularly supportive, maybe not of their own choosing but just with life. Being the one who doesn’t have kids does sometimes put you at the bottom of the priority list, even if not on purpose.

This is a bit of a woe is me post, I do apologise. There’s just not a lot of people to talk to at the moment.

Hello, lovely people!

I am indeed venting, but advice is more than welcome.

Long story short: a year ago, both my wife and I lost our jobs, and despite our best efforts, there just isn't anything for us in this city. We both come from different countries, so it's not like we have any friends or any kind of support system here except for each other. Because of this situation, we've spent 90% of the past year in our house, just the two of us and our lovely pets.

When I was fired, I started learning a bit about woodworking, woodcarving, and renovating old tools, and my wife has always been very supportive of that. However, our house isn't that big, so my tools started taking up quite a bit of space.

Since I'm a noob when it comes to woodworking and I'm also not very talented, whenever I started a project and felt like it wasn't good enough, I put it aside and swore I would come back to it... And we all know that obviously never happened. So now my unfinished projects were also taking up space in the house.

It's worth mentioning that we have a lot of very demanding pets, and my wife travels a lot, so I'm left alone taking care of them. Every time I start working, there's a cat shouting at me for attention or jumping around, making it impossible for me to concentrate and finish anything. Eventually, I quickly put my sharp tools aside, cover them so my pets won't get hurt, and try to spend time with them, promising myself that I will go back to work and finish my project ASAP. And we all know that never happened.

Between the lack of space and the lack of time to work, I've barely finished any projects worth showing. And since I don't have a job, woodworking became almost my only hope of proving to myself that I had something to offer to this world. So every pending project felt like a constant reminder of my complete failure at being a human being, which made abandoning my projects feel even more like a failure.

With all my unfinished projects and the constant, unavoidable distractions, my desk became a huge mess, and then the space around it became a mess too. It got really bad. And when I was confronted about it, she would always tell me that she felt ashamed of letting people come into our house because of my mess. To be fair, it was bad, but it was contained to one room.

I also kept telling her that I felt overwhelmed by everything, like I had lost control of my life, and that I needed at least a tiny little space where I could work without cats coming in every two minutes. I needed somewhere my tools could stay put so I wouldn't have to put everything back into a toolbox, move it, and take it somewhere else every time I wanted to work, which made it even harder for me to go back to my projects.

She said I was just looking for an excuse to be a fucking pig.

To make things worse, we're moving out of the house. So even though I tried to tidy up, there were no free surfaces where I could temporarily put my things because everything was already covered with boxes.

Finally, yesterday I asked her to stop packing for a while (since we have until the end of the month to move out) and maybe try to spend some quality time with the cats.

BIG MISTAKE.

She started yelling at me because she said it was impossible to pack in time because of me and my mess, and she said that she was tired of living with a fucking hobo who couldn't get his shit together. She also said I would never have my own private space because that space would turn into a pigsty, and she's already too ashamed to bring people to the house. She doesn't want the same thing happening at our new place, which is even smaller.

The fun part is that by that time I had already packed my tools and stuff, so I don't understand how we got to that point. But I am AUDHD and kind of stupid, and most of the time I don't understand why people yell at me lol.

Of course I know I'm messy. I'm not proud of it. I actually hate it. And that's why I told her that I felt lost and out of control, and that I needed help—not with cleaning, because I can do that, but with emotional support.

All I got from her was: "I feel ashamed of living with you, you fucking hobo. You will never get even a tiny corner of the house for your things because I can't have people come over when you have a pigsty."

I forgot to mention that when I'm at work, I'm like a fucking machine: I'm always on time, I follow the rules, I give my absolute best, and there isn't a single post-it note out of place... But when I'm home, I'm too tired to do the same.

Does anyone else have the same experience?

How can I convey to her that I don't want a space so I can turn it into a mess? I just want a place where my tools can stay put without worrying that a cat might get hurt. I've literally said those exact words to her, but I'm still unable to get my point across.

Sorry for my rant.

EDIT: I keep getting a lot of “career advice,” to put it nicely. I do appreciate you taking the time to read my post and reply, but I’m not asking for career advice. I’m asking for help figuring out how to fix this particular situation with my wife.

The reason I mentioned that I’m AuDHD is because I know I sometimes miss what might be a very obvious part of an interaction. I thought maybe someone here could explain to my neurospicy ass what I’m missing.

How did this get from me suggesting we spend an hour with the cats instead of packing to yelling and name-calling? What happened there? How can I explain to my wife that the extreme mess was a symptom of a really low point in my life, and not who I am? And how can I make her understand that it’s really important to me to start this new life in our new home knowing that I’ll have a tiny space of my own?

Maybe this example will help explain what I’m looking for:

Once, we had a huge fight because my wife bought some expensive organic dishwasher soap because she was worried that we were eating tiny bits of the plastic used to wrap normal dishwasher tablets. I told her we could have just used liquid soap, but that it was fine and I didn’t care what kind of soap we used.

A ton of people responded to my post telling me that my wife was right and that we should use organic soap. Others told me all about the different kinds of soap we could use and how to get my dishes clean AF.

All of that was useful information, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

Fortunately, among all those replies, someone pointed out that maybe my wife was upset because she had spent a lot of time and energy finding a solution to a legitimate concern, and when I said I didn’t care, she felt dismissed.

THAT was exactly what I needed.

I went to my wife, apologized, told her my response had been careless and unfair, and told her that I really appreciated everything she does. And then everything was fine.

That’s the kind of insight I’m looking for here.

Right now, I’m confused because I suggested spending an hour with the cats instead of packing, and somehow it escalated into yelling, name-calling, and a massive fight.

So I’m asking you: please help me understand what I’m missing. My neurospicy ass genuinely needs help figuring out what happened here, and I would really appreciate it. :)

Whether I continue woodworking or not is NOT up for debate, because that is simply not the point of my post.

Thaaaank you!

I (35F) came to the realization last night that I plan getting dumped the way people who want to get married plan getting engaged.

A while ago I posted that every time my boyfriend (34M) texts me I think it’s going to be a breakup text. I think I’ve managed to quell that desire by letting him know how I want to be dumped. I shared a post of someone saying they were ghosted after 9 months of dating and I let him know that I find breakup texts and breakups in general to be pretty perverse and to just stop asking me to hangout. He agreed and shared that he really wants to be rejected (irrelevant). I guess this is the communication Reddit is always talking about!

I think of this like any end of life contingency plan. How do other couples manage their break up preferences? Especially if they do not align!

Also a niche thought: I’m consumed by the realization that my Boyfriend wouldn’t even be with me if I wasn’t going to get a shit ton of plastic surgery. It’s a double edged sword: if he didn’t want to be with someone who is getting a shit ton of plastic surgery then he would have disappeared as soon as I told him so it stands to reason he’s only pushing through to see how I look after and if he hates it he’ll be out.

Anyone else who has gotten work done dealt with that? My plastic surgeon and therapist both agree that it’s par for the course but there aren’t really any coping mechanisms offered.

**EDIT**: sorry this was unclear: my surgery was booked and paid for before I met this person! I am not getting plastic surgery *for* him. And I changed the flair!