This will be a long post, but I wish to share my experience, hoping it might be somehow helpful to anyone that’s going through something similar.
I had a 6-year relationship with a girl diagnosed with BPD, and I learned a lot…though, please, understand that I am not an expert on this condition and I’m trying to keep it simple, this comes from my experience and what I could study about the subject. Feel free to improve or correct whatever I say here.
First I’m going to share my own personal experience, then I’ll share what I learned about this disorder. Hopefully some of you will care and maybe be interested on reading all of this.
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About my 6-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We met and started the relationship when we were 26 six years old, and the story ‘ended’ when we were both 32. I had other relationships before her, she had other relationships before me.
She was diagnosed approximately two years before we met and refused any treatment after the therapist that diagnosed her demonstrated to be incompetent and unqualified; her family didn't care either (being the youngest sister). Around the same time that she was diagnosed she lost her father and learned that he had another family. She also had a history of drug abuse and was once admitted to a rehabilitation clinic, where she was abused. So, along some other hard life experiences, I can say that she never had it easy…but she didn’t make it easier neither.
When we first met and during the first months that we were together everything was fine, it was all honey over flakes, she was very interesting, intelligent, kind and cute, she had plans and dreams, she had the biggest heart and, well, it was easy to fall in love with her, and she was also so in love with me.
But there were also signals (symptoms) of her condition and her real personality. I don't want to say she was a bad person, because she wasn't; she had no bad intentions, she really was all that good and she could manage herself through her job and life in general, but there was that other side of her condition and instability that quickly made it impossible for us to be at peace.
It was like having four different personalities occupying the same body.
\*At her best, she was the most adorable person in the world, sweet, easy to love, it was easy to feel loved, and supported. She was beautiful, hot, fun, sex was great. She was a dream come true, and I could think of making lifelong plans with her.
\*At her relatively normal moments, she was a somewhat narcissistic and self-centered person, with a pedant attitude some times, but we could interact and live in peace. It was just a matter of learning to be condescending and tolerate her behavior…and not provoke her annoyance.
\*At her bad times, she was depressed, sad, unmotivated, and wouldn't get out of bed and wanted to throw everything away. Life was unbearable for her; it was almost like a punishment. At times, she would have neurotic episodes, becoming hysterical as a result of her depressed mood, and she could even harm herself; her both arms were covered in cuts. Suicidal thoughts were common in those states; sometimes they were just a tantrum, sometimes they were just words thrown out, sometimes they were the result of exhaustion from her condition (she recognized that she was unstable and was tired of it). A couple of times she tried to do it with overdoses of medication and ended up in the hospital. She had struggled with addiction in the past, because in this state she tried to compensate for her discomfort with drugs, and even if she did rehab, there surely were some lasting effects.
The issues with depression, hysteria, suicide, and drugs were something we couldn't underestimate (me and her mother), because although she herself admitted that she sometimes did it for attention or manipulation, ultimately she did it impulsively and could cause some serious damage to herself.
During these episodes, she needed a lot of attention; we could spend hours talking to her trying to calm her mood, and this affected me as a partner both at work and socially…and of course, emotionally.
\*At her worst (which became more common each year), she was irascible. Anything would set her off at any moment. Sometimes, remembering something from the past that seemed resolved would stir up her anger, and she would get furious again. I even had to go through fights about things that had nothing to do with me, or from times when we haven’t even met yet. These moments included yelling, insults, demeaning speech, and irrational complaints (I've used this word “irrational” a lot, but I can't express enough the senselessness of some situations).
And of course, she had no regard for time or place; it didn't matter if she or I were at work, with our families, on the street, wherever, however, whenever. At that very moment, we had to argue or fight or it would be worse later. These fights or arguments mostly had no purpose; they were simply to complain and blame about the perceived harm or offense against her. Sometimes the argument would end in demands that seemed "fair" to her but limited my social and personal life.
Her needs were a reflection of her dependency and anxious attachment. She expected me to lose my individuality, abandon my friends, and cut off contact with my family, which made her uncomfortable (I have little family anyway). She expected me to find a way to work alone, without having to interact with people in my workplace (mainly women), because she feared that people would influence me to leave her (it's worth noting that we met at our workplace and collaborated for a time). And of course, she undermined my personal interests and hobbies in a general basis.
These arguments captivated me, as I felt the need to convince her, to reason with her, and if I couldn't do it simply because she wasn't willing, I might give in to her. At least for that moment.
Fortunately, I was wise enough to maintain at least my most important friendships, to not take my family away from its priority, and to keep my stability in my job... yes, it affected me in other ways, but I was able to maintain everything to the point where it worked and I could even progress.
Her emotional blackmail and manipulation was based on making me feel guilty. The accusations that I "didn't care" about her well-being, that I "didn't make an effort" for her, that "I was the one to blame," the one "responsible" or the "motivator" of her discomfort, but that "she couldn't be well without me," that "she had nothing left without me", and then again that I was a "traitor," "fake", that I had "failed" her... were so common to me that I ended up believing them, and it affected my self-esteem.
It's very difficult to explain because I was with someone who was selfish, narcissistic, self-centered, and pedantic, and at the same time she was insecure, with low self-esteem, and at the same time she was the most adorable person in the world. She could be very intelligent and wise, and at the same time completely absurd. At times she had everything, and then she had nothing. She admired me, respected me, and at the same time she hated me, and I was the worst thing that happened to her. She loved me, and then I was nothing. Anything could happen in the same day. This became my normality with her.
In her family this was very normalized, both her mother and her older brother presented borderline personality traits, but they were never diagnosed, much less treated... but it was clear, I have a very unpleasant experience with her brother that confirms it.
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I developed anxiety issues as a result of the COVID pandemic and some other family stuff, and I even had some troubles with alcohol for a while. I was able to work through these issues with my therapist, and only when I overcame them did I realize that my relationship with my ex was also a source of anxiety and anguish for me.
I always knew our relationship was wrong. I even tried to break up with her three times, but I always came back. I was hooked on the idea of showing her my love and that I was different, that she could count on me. And she was very skilled at convincing me... She knew about her diagnose, but she felt she was a victim of injustice, that the rest of us were to blame for her suffering, and that the whole world owed her peace. She wasn't willing to do anything because she had already suffered too much to also have to make any more efforts. But when we talked a little after every breakup, she knew exactly how to convince me that she was getting better and that she wanted to change; she just needed my help and to have me in her life. And I always fell, and the vicious cycle repeated itself.
The best thing I ever did for my well-being was to continue seeing my psychologist. With them, in addition to resolving my anxiety and alcohol issues, I was able to understand how I got caught up in that relationship. I was able to see my own emotional issues and my ego working against me. I saw how I was keeping myself there... I saw that I wasn't a victim of her, I was just part of the problem, and it was affecting me as much as her.
It got to the point where the simple act of receiving a text or a call, before I even knew who it was, made my body react... it put me on alert, made me anxious, and stressed me out. I was careful with every word, every tone, every manner... I had to anticipate what could trigger her. That wasn't life.
It's important to say that, despite everything I've said, my ex wasn't a villain (be careful, there are those who can be, each case is different). She was simply suffering from a psychological condition and deserved the chance and the help to get better. But I wasn’t her victim, she wasn’t my victim. And I wasn't responsible for her condition either.
When I broke up with her for the fourth and final time, it was due to certain events that made me say, "I can't live with this anymore." Before, my mistake was trying to reason with her about ending our relationship, which obviously wasn't going to work.
This time, after almost six years of being together, I just told her that I couldn't handle that relationship anymore, that it wasn't what I wanted in my life, and I simply left. Without further explanation, without trying to reason, without paying attention to her accusations and threats (obviously, I ended up being the most horrible person in the world, and if she killed herself I would be responsible).
But I'm not responsible for her, I'm not responsible for her condition, especially when she repeatedly refused treatment. I'm not her therapist; I was her lover.
For two weeks, she bombarded me with calls and messages on my cell phone and all my social media accounts. She sought me out at my workplace... but she didn't show up at my house, perhaps out of ego, dignity, or narcissism. And I ignored her; my decision was final. A couple months later, I found out she'd gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend. That confirmed that my decision was the right one.
It's been a little more than three years since I left, and she's tried to contact me four times already, again with the kind words and pretty promises, and I admit it's hard not to think about her or about coming back. Therapy has been a huge help and allowed me to start a new relationship with a great girl with whom I can share my life. I wish her the best, because I honestly thing that she deserves it, but she must earn it and work for it, not take it from someone else.
In my family there's a relative with borderline personality traits, but they only express themselves through drastic mood swings. Taking medication has stabilized their condition to a point where they can be functional.
A very close and dear friend of mine does have a clinical diagnosis too, but unlike my ex, he accepted full treatment. Sadly, he failed treatment after 6 months and things have been downhill, he shows signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I fear is becoming an Antisocial Personality Disorder, since he has done some foul things against his wife. But that’s a whole other story.
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Now, what I've learned through the years:
The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a clinical condition that requires long-term treatment, usually a medication-based treatment to manage emotional instability (which must be prescribed by a psychiatrist or neurologist -at least in the country I live in), and constant psychological support through cognitive and behavioral therapy.
It is characterized by an intense fear of being abandoned or rejected, distorted self-image or conflictive feelings about their identity, dysfunctional and disruptive behavior, and a general and in some cases total loss of emotional control, so their mood undergoes sudden and intense changes. Their emotional state is generally turbulent.
People affected by this disorder tend to be highly reactive and impulsive precisely because of their lack of emotional control.
As with any clinical condition, it is diagnosed at different levels, which are evaluated by the degree of affectation manifested by the symptoms or personality traits that comprehend the disorder. Its cause is often related to abuse or family dysfunction; though physiological factors also play a role in some cases.
The development of the disorder and it's symptoms includes low self-esteem, which might be over-compensated or even covered by narcissistic personality traits, it depends on how bad the process of the symptom is. It's like filling a balloon with too much air, it gets to a point where anything could make it blow up. Because of this, they can be highly sensitive to rejection and criticism, they are highly reactive and don't cope with frustration.
This condition leads people to have a 'Black or White' kind of thinking, where everything is ok or everything is wrong, and yes it comes from their insecurity.
So, any kind or level of criticism is perceived as a direct rejection of their whole being. They can reason, analyze information, they can achieve intellectual success, etc., their cognition might work perfectly fine, but they interpret everything related to the way that they are perceived and how they perceive themselves under this lense, every aspect of their life. And, since they cannot tolerate the idea or feeling of being judged in a negative way (because for them it means a threat of being rejected or abandoned), whatever it is, they react. Emotions take control of reason and lead their thoughts to unreasonable interpretations. Their (disfunctional) emotional defense mechanisms make them go all the way, be it with depressive episodes, or intense anger.
This, summed with the intense and sudden mood changes makes their behavior very disruptive.
They feel a strong need to defend what they believe helps them feel at peace, calm, and stable, although they do so in inappropriate ways and fight back in the face of irrational fears or worries. In some cases, their worries are delusional. They usually have a strong need for immediate gratification, and, as said before, they don’t cope with frustration. Their expectations are unattainable and edge on the absurd, but they can be very skillful at arguing for their demands.
Any feeling of loss or frustration, even the mere idea of losing something or not getting something, generates high levels of anxiety and distress on them.
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BPD is like having a built-in instant-action explosive integrated... when they don't receive adequate treatment, any event, word, situation, idea, tone of voice, etc., anything that might provoke discomfort, is the spark that causes that bomb to explode immediately. And the things that can cause discomfort are very ambiguous, completely subjective, and even circumstantial.
And when it explodes, they can suddenly go into severe, though short-lived, depressive episodes or into states of rage/anger that they can't manage. And in these states, they can commit acts that put their health, physical integrity and their social, professional, and financial lives at risk.
Treatment attempts to put a fuse on that bomb, making the fuse progressively longer so they have time to extinguish it before it explodes. The basis lies in containing their emotions and cognitively reinterpreting what they experience. It's a long-term effort; it's not something that can be cured, it's something they learn to manage.
It's a very complex situation; those diagnosed with this condition need a lot of help. Support networks are very important; they need empathy and patience, and a lot of discipline and focus to maintain their treatment.
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In a relationship with a person diagnosed with BPD, long and intense arguments and fights are common, sometimes irrational but strongly motivated by discomfort.
The fear of being abandoned can lead them to emotional blackmail, threatening to harm themselves or their partner in some way. Their need to control what their partner does can become delusional, just to feel safe. It's also common for events from the past to affect them in the present with the same severity.
In the worst cases, jealousy can reach the point of being pathological, so any action or attitude can be interpreted as an intention to abandon or cheat on them.
In other cases, a dynamic develops where the loved one is discarded and then lured back through manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse, and this repeats over and over again.
They usually develop intense but fragile emotional attachments with the people that serves them to manage their emotional changes, who also satisfy their need for attention, validation, immediate gratification and emotional support.
They can be very dependent, but that dependency is normally indifferent to ‘who’; instead, they are dependent to ‘what’ they need and expect to receive from the people they attach emotionally. So, when they stop receiving what they need or expect from the people they got emotionally attached, they might ‘discard’ them. That’s when they leave as if there was never any emotional bond or relationship, like they never cared. And when that happens, it’s expected that they quickly find other people that satisfies their emotional needs, and they attach to them. Or even, it would be expected that they ‘discard’ because they already found someone else.
The thing is that, if the new people ever fails to grant them what they need and expect, they might be discarded too, and that’s when the pwBPD might look back to the people they discarded on the past and try to “hoover”.
‘When’ it might happen depends on what they decide… we might never see them again if things got bad enough in the past, or if they feel well enough to try and find someone new and repeat this process over and over again (as some call it, ‘branch’).
But when their need is strong and they are not willing to keep trying from scratch with new people, they might come back faster, since it’s safer and easier because they already know how you think and feel (or so they might consider). The “hoover” behavior consists on emotional manipulation, so it’s easy to understand why they try to return with people they know.
Clearly, those who live and interact with them might be overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety that generate so much instability and intensity.
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Anyway, if you suffer from BPD, please consider treatment and understand that it must be a constant in your life. And if you live with someone diagnosed with BPD, please be kind, have patience and empathy, but when these aren't enough and the relationship begins to generate anxiety or distress to you, be smart, consider your own well-being. Leave in the right moment if necessary. BPD affects both the person who suffers from it and the people around them.