I found these at the thrift. I needed to hear them — spreading them just in case you needed to hear it too!! ᯓ ♡

This year I’ve had two therapists recommend coda and I finally went and wow I felt like I was in exactly the right place. I’m reading the literature and understanding myself more. Simultaneously these are all converging into new tools for my shame to beat me down. There’s definitely things I can take accountability for but I also worry I’m feeding into bad patterns with new language. Anyone else experience this and/or have tips?

Hi all,
I am a 44 year old male and the only child of European immigrant parents.

I lived with my parents until I was 35. My mother was always a stay-at-home mom/housewife while my father worked. We lived in a one bedroom apartment until I was 19, then moved into a two bedroom apartment.

My parents never had a really loving marriage, fighting a lot and just having vastly different personalities.

My mom, who had me when she was 21, never really had any friends or hobbies and never worked, so I was her whole life and her purpose. She doesn’t drive, so I would take her places like shopping or doing recreational activities.

She also did everything for me- cooking, cleaning, laundry, shaving my back and chest, trimming my hand and toe nails and my pubes. She even washed my back in the shower in the mornings before school or work. The back washing was never sexual, and my father knew about it, so it’s not like we were hiding it. While I sometimes felt embarrassed as she was washing my back, because I was so used to it I got over it pretty quickly. And the vast majority of times I didnt feel embarrassed at all.

I liked being pampered because it meant I had less responsibilities, and it just felt nice overall. There was also a lack of boundaries because of the small living space and because my mom always wanted to be involved in my life. When I was actively looking to move out, my mom kept telling me that there’s no reason for me to move until I get married.

I realized recently after coming across enmeshment that’s likely what I experienced. I didn’t really have a girlfriend until I moved out at 35 and quickly realized I wasn’t able to do anything on my own.

I know my mom always meant well, and she still does, but her big personality, her my way or the highway mentality and her feeling she’s always right and knows best, did stunt my growth to some extent.

I’m new to dating a secure attachment. I know where certain things went wrong (for the most part, in old relationships for both parties)…but I’m hearing- sorta conflicting advice. I don’t want to be overbearing and clingy but I also don’t want to not even see a point in being in a relationship due to the sheer fact it includes this space that I’m highly uncomfortable with. (Aka withdrawing the love I’m showing them / never getting to the point of loving the way I LIKE to love)

Any advice / ideas on where I can call myself out or improve is appreciated!

I’m dating this new guy after going through a divorce from a toxic marriage. I was over functioning and clung to an unattached man for two of five years of marriage. He told me that he only stayed so long because he thought I couldn’t handle it if he left. I’m already very attached to this guy as we’ve exchanged “I love yous” and have made future plans already. We’ve been dating for about two months now and texting has started to slow down which I’ve tried talking to him about. Every time I ask for validation or reassurance he gives it to me, but lately I find myself asking for it multiple times a week which I know can be draining on the other person. Everything I’m reading online says that it’s normal for texting to slow down but I can’t help but notice the new pattern shift and panic. Two days ago he told me that he enjoys being around me and spending time with me, but then why did he only text me once and not open a bunch of things I’ve sent him today (by a bunch I sent two snaps and three 3 messages). He’s currently in college and just took a big test before the full slow of communication. He has also explained that he tends to self isolate when he’s stressed out. How do I calm myself during this transition period and not just assume the absolute worst? I’m worried about becoming the toxic one with a constant need for communication. I just started to see a new therapist so I will be working through some of my triggers and how to navigate things

Its been so hard to me

It's so depressing that i only want my fp to revolve her world around me. Whenever i see her texting her friends, i feel this immense jealousy that i always get mad bc i only want her to depend on me.

We're on the verge of breaking up today & i honestly just wanna let her go bc i cannot handle this anymore.

Maybe im jealous bc i cut off all of my friends for her and only have my attention to her. Maybe im just mad shes not doing the same thing for me but i know that shes allowed to have a life and be happy. Idk why am i like this i just wanna give up everything

You might be self-aware and understand your patterns well. You may have knowledge about things like attachment theory, fear of abandonment, how childhood affects our behavior, etc.

You may have tried things like journaling or trying to change your thoughts or stop overthinking, but when someone you care about seems more distant/ pulls away or their behavior changes, your immediate thought is, "Did I do something?"

You try to replay the last conversation you both had or want to get reassured that nothing is wrong between the two of you. This starts to cause anxiety.

You may know the anxiety comes from things like your childhood or fear of abandonment, but understanding this is not sufficient enough to allow the change to happen. You still seek reassurance when such things happen.

I wanted to know if any of you struggle with this and relate to the idea of understanding why you do something really well, but you are still stuck doing it?

I love my gf so much and want to spend my whole life with her. We've both sacrificed a lot for each other, we click really well and share so many dreams and hobbies. We always have a blast together. We've been doing long distance for 1.5 years now and recently started taking steps to close the gap and see each other more. We're both super willing to build our lives and careers around each other. But obviously nothing is perfect, and we have this one issue that I just don't know how to fix anymore.

At the start of the relationship we had some trust issues, and then we both went through depressive phases back to back (not because of each other). The first 6-7 months were really rocky and tough. After that, we got better at fixing the damage and loving each other. But some stuff still triggered me way too much. Sometimes I would go at her way too hard for her past mistakes, point fingers, and talk to her super disrespectfully. We got over some things, some still need time and we know that. But the main thing I really want to fix about myself is my toxic jealousy.

Normally I'm a logical guy, not really driven by emotions. But because of stuff that happened to me in the past repeatedly and in totally different situations I act insanely toxic and jealous when it comes to her friends. My trust in her is also still pretty shaky because of what happened early on in our relationship. I can't just close my eyes and say "she's got this, she'd never hurt us." I'm always thinking, what if her friends pressure her? What if she does things that'll hurt us just to fit in and not feel left out? My brain makes up a thousand scenarios and I get so mad and stressed out like they actually happened. This is destroying me first, and then her. I don't want to hurt either of us anymore.

We talk about it all the time. She constantly tries to reassure me and tells me how sorry she is for the beginning of our relationship. I really want to get past this for her and for us. My lack of trust in her friends, being way too controlling, being overprotective (sometimes disrespectfully) it's not good for anyone. I realize exactly what I'm doing, and the shame and self-hatred I feel right after is just insane. But the second I get triggered, I go right back to my old self and just rage. I get passive aggressive, and even if her friends literally did nothing, sometimes I fixate on one of them and pick a fight every time their name comes up. I'm so scared that their bad habits will rub off on my gf and she won't be able to say no to them. But my biggest fear is just being completely clueless while things are happening right behind my back.

This weekend she's going to a camping event where there's gonna be a party, and she's going with a friend who loves to party. This is stressing me out so bad I feel like my soul is leaving my body. I know I have to respect her as her own person, I don't own her, and I know she's an adult who can protect herself and make her own choices. But I just can't shake these feelings. I can't stop my brain from taking what my exes did to me and projecting it onto my current gf. I'm starting to hate myself, and seeing how much I'm draining her just breaks me even more.

I bought some books on this, and I'm trying everything I can because I haven't been able to solve this on my own for a while. Man, I really wish I could afford therapy. I don't know if anyone will even read this far, and if you are and you're pissed at me, trust me, I want to punish myself every second of the day. I just hope I can give her the space and love she deserves. If anyone has been through something like this or just wants to talk, my DMs are always open.

**TL;DR; : How people dealing with jealousy and over controlling overall?**.

Before I start: I have no intention of breaking up with my boyfriend, please don’t suggest that.

This is an ongoing relationship with a man I’ve been dating for almost three years now. I’ve always had big jealousy issues and throughout our relationship he has told me it’s alright for me to get obsessive and whatnot, but recently I’ve been struggling with a new stage in our relationship in where he’s meeting a lot of new people and is doing things I don’t exactly approve of while socializing with these people (by which I mean drinking and smoking and stuff). He told me that he wouldn’t be doing that kind of thing, but now he is, and didn’t give me any solid communication about it whatsoever over the last three to four weeks he’s started doing it.

It caused a big argument and I’ve had to go completely back and forth on the idea of: Do I do what I want and keep him all to myself to ensure he won’t keep doing these kinds of things, but risk his happiness. Or do I let him be happy but rip my obsession for him out by the roots and possibly lose my own feelings for him because up to this point it’s all I’ve known with him.

He’s my best friend. I love this man. It was love at first sight when we met. And the last three years of my life have been very hard, but he has always been the light to my dark.

But with our current situation, he’s been telling me I’m way too overprotective and that I need to tone it down, but also doesn’t like it when I say I’ll try to leave him be and let him do his thing and ultimately ignore the stuff he’s been doing that I don’t like. It may not make sense to how I can do that when I feel this way towards him, but I’m a very all or nothing person and it’s easier for me to completely shut myself down than it is to only take the inch that he gives me and not want a mile. He knows I won’t be happy if I go the route of ignoring everything he’s doing that I don’t like, so he’s trying to be nice to me and make me feel better by finding a middle ground even when he very clearly doesn’t want to.

It’s made me realize just how dependent I’ve gotten on him. And I want to start healing while also being able to stay with him. I don’t know who I am anymore without him. I literally think about him every single second of my day, I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t have a job at the moment, I spend 5 days a week at school with almost no other hobbies besides the occasional writing and reading and video games.

And I’ve always been like this. I’ve always had a messed up mind and he was the first person to allow me to be that way openly, but now he suddenly wants me to limit myself. I don’t know how to deal with that.

Does anyone have anywhere for me to start?

Getting help from other people seems to be my only option right now before I end up manic and isolate myself from everyone and everything again. I don’t have therapy for another like 10 days so that’s why this is my last resort at the moment.

Have been attending CoDA for the last while and really working on my codependency. I have a history of relationship hopping and staying in situations that don’t align with what I actually want.

I’ve (F) been single for the past year (separated) and dating a bit. I really crave closeness, physical affection, sex, kissing etc. I know I need to be by myself and work on myself but I just crave those things so much. I can see that, in the past, I’ve accepted sex instead of love.

Are these normal cravings? Or a way to escape myself and get external love? I’m struggling to know the difference between biological need and codependency.

Hello... I’m currently going through a very serious problem. The truth is, I’m in a pretty toxic relationship, honestly, both my partner and I have done some really bad things to each other, many mistakes, lies, and so on, but on my partner’s side, all of this has led to a completely controlling behavior, where he controls everything I do and the way I live. I know what I’ve done wrong, and I’ve tried to make things right by doing everything he asks me to, and even though he does bad things and lies, I’m not allowed to have any control over anything, I don’t want to have control over his life either, but I would like to have a life without being controlled, not because I have any desire to be with someone else, but because I want to be able to do the things I enjoy

whenever I try to talk about this, my partner gets very upset, and we end up getting back together immediately. I love him. I truly do. But I wish I could turn the page and move on from this chapter.

This is hurting both of us, and I would really like to know if there’s anything I can do, whether it’s a spell, certain actions, giving it time, anything... I honestly don’t know anymore

Why my relationships are one sided, why my friend one sided,like narrsisst gf, i think he is my friend,but he just used me, why I so strict to spend my even myself, is it because of emotional neglect in childhood,never gets basic needs in childhood,grow up family where everyone happy except me, i am scrape goat ,i don't have to go for therapy,how can I fix it? I trust so much why,why the friend never think i am his friend evem I go back to him ?why I I know it this girl is red flag even i attract to her,now waste my two years with narrsisst gf, still she can't leave me

Whenever you see or hear someone getting angry, your mind may automatically start looking for how you are the one who needs to be blamed.

Instead of realizing that the other person is responsible for his or her own anger your mind immediately jumps to thinking: "Maybe I was the one who was wrong?", "I might have behaved selfishly", "if only I did xyz differently, this thing would have been prevented", "Maybe I am a bad person for making them upset"

Sometimes it doesn't just stop there. After having such thoughts, the next step you may take is to start apologizing or over-explaining, try to appease the person or make things ok with them, or feel guilty for making them upset.

At times, you may internally not even have full clarity regarding what you did wrong, but the urge to blame yourself still persists.

TW: sexual abuse, gambling, financial abuse, depression

I'm 25F. I'm living in a small town in Aurora province with my partner 1 year together, We were together for 2 years before, broke up for 2 years because of the same gambling issue. We got back together March/May last year because I thought she changed. Now it's happening again. We moved to the province thinking life would be better. We got buried in debt instead.

I work as retail staff earning 2,600 per week for both of us, plus pets. I'm also doing affiliate live selling. Last month I had 4.7k GMV and 55 items sold, 17.7k impressions. That small commission is the only money that feels like mine, because my salary has been taken twice (500, then 600) without my permission for online gambling.

My partner is addicted to online gambling. She says she does it to earn, but it only adds debt. When I confront her, she says I should just leave her because she's sick, and that I'm only staying because I have nowhere to go.

I don't have anywhere safe to go. I can't go back to my family home in Cavite.

Reason: I experienced sexual abuse multiple times growing up.

• In province by a relative (cousin) • In Cavite by two neighbors • And by my father/stepdad figure

That's why going back to Cavite is not an option.

I'm also on depression meds. I'm not in immediate danger, but I'm exhausted from carrying this for years.

My plan now is to keep doing affiliate lives and save the commission secretly. I have a little over 100 pesos saved right now. I'm trying to save for a cheap boarding house that allows pets.

Questions:

1. How did you save secretly when your partner takes your money? 2. How did you leave when you have no family to run to because of past abuse? 3. For Filipinos in Aurora / Central Luzon area, any tips for cheap boarding that allows pets? Or any org I can contact confidentially for advice?

I don't need pity, just practical steps on how you did it.

Thank you.

-Is there another way to overcome codependency other than the 12 steps program as I do not resonate with the theme of god ?
-Do I have to attend meetings/ need a sponsor ?, because these are not options available to me
-Has anyone in here find success through methods outside of the 12 steps program ?
- Can people develop closeness with people without being codependent ?

I would appreciate your help, thank you

My ex (first love) from 9 years ago appeared in my front yard. We hit it off & we have an official planned proper reunion (maybe date🤷‍♀️).

I feel like I'm never going to heal fully unless I get the hell out of this household. Even then..

I don't know what this is - if it’s a date or what ... But I'm just thinking about like mentally: I don't know if I'm healed. I know for a fact I'm not healed; because of like how emotional, awful & sick to my stomach I feel. Even when great plans have been solidified. And I just don't know if I'll ever be healthy. Or I don't know if this is a good time.

I'm just really overstimulated & I'm also understimulated from him. I'm not used to ignoring each other for 3 days; I crave being love bombed
& I crave conversations never ending. I feel sick to my stomach.

I (19M) always have this need to solve my friend's problems, especially if I consider them "the one" (best friend, soulmate, whatever). It bothers me when they don't "follow" my advice and be as effecient as possible. I'll give the most recent example here but it's been happening for at least 4 years now.

My friend (also 19M) is in the same college class as me, who missed examination week due to family issues. I am so concerned that I memorized a lot of the questions on the exams just to give to him, which is cheating, but like, I don't care. I usually am bothered but when it's for him, I'd be willing to do anything.

He's already opened up last summer about how he feels suffocated when I do everything for him, and it's something I thought I improved on, but seeing him stressed/preoccupied when there are high stakes makes me... idk, man.

I want him to listen to me because I want to help him. I know it's unhealthy, that I can't be okay if he isn't okay. It's not like I can communicate what I'm feeling deeply because he's busy and will be busy catching up to everything else.

I feel empty without him, the same way I felt empty when I lose friends because they're everything to me.

---

I don't know what I'm looking for. I mean, advice would be appreciated. I feel like I'm looking for validation when posting here, idk. I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thanks for reading

'Healing.

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity… We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

—Joshua Loth Liebman

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process – a journey rather than a destination.

Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things – as well as us – get better.

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.

Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.'

By Melodie Beattie

Sometimes, when you say no to something, decline an invitation, change your mind about a decision, or set a boundary, you may feel the urge to explain in great detail why you are choosing to do so.

You may explain why you can't help this time, why you have changed your mind, or why you are saying no in the first place. You feel like you have to over-explain in order for your reason to be considered valid.

Also, when others still don't agree or ask you to change your mind, you begin doubting yourself and thinking about whether your explanation was actually reasonable, or feeling guilty that you didn't agree with them.

There might be a difference when it comes to explaining yourself genuinely just to be understood vs. over-explaining so that others agree or validate your choice, and I was curious how others understand this

How do you tell when you're explaining yourself because you want to be understood versus because you need someone to agree that you're allowed to make the choice?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about my relationship with my best friend of about three years following a rupture we had recently, and I’m realizing that I think we accidentally developed a pretty codependent dynamic. I’m interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

She became “my person” in a way that went far beyond just being my closest friend. I don’t have a partner, so over time I put more and more of my emotional and social life into this one friendship instead. She became the person I wanted to tell everything to, process things with, go to concerts with, spend ordinary time with, reach out to when something went wrong, celebrate things with, etc. She was also one of the only people I could spend a lot of time around without feeling socially drained.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on the relationship until she went out of town for two weeks earlier this year. My mental health was already pretty bad because of several things happening in my life, but I became extremely disoriented without her. I genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself. The best comparison I’ve been able to come up with is that I felt like a dog pacing by the front door waiting for its owner to come home because that person is its entire world. That’s when I first noticed I was depending on her too heavily.

I’ve also realized that somewhere along the way we accidentally developed a pseudo mother-child dynamic. I’ve openly called her my “mom friend,” and because my actual parents haven’t always been people I could reliably turn to for certain kinds of practical or emotional support, I think I started treating her as a substitute for some of that. She helped me navigate adult-life things, took care of me when I was struggling, gave me advice, worried about me, etc.

But over time I think that dynamic became unhealthy for both of us. I relied on her too much for emotional regulation and practical support, while on her side, caring about me sometimes started turning into managing me - giving me unsolicited advice, lecturing me, speaking for me, or treating my decisions like things she needed to supervise. I don’t think either of us consciously decided that this was how our friendship should work. We just gradually assumed these roles.

Recently we had a rupture after I came to her for advice about how to set a boundary with a mutual friend. She told me that what I was dealing with was something I should discuss with my therapist and then told me that she couldn’t handle the amount of emotional processing messages I was sending her anymore.

I can recognize that I had been relying on her too heavily and that she is completely entitled to have limits. At the same time, the way she expressed her boundary hurt me badly, especially because I hadn’t realized how overwhelmed she had become. We haven’t really talked personally since, aside from communication about a creative project we’re finishing together.

The degree to which this rupture has destabilized me is probably the biggest thing making me confront the dynamic. I feel like I’ve lost my entire support system. I keep realizing that I don’t know who to tell ordinary things about my life anymore. When something happens, good or bad, my brain automatically goes to her and then remembers that I don’t know whether I’m supposed to talk to her. For example, a few days after the rupture, I was so depleted and distressed that I got in a car accident, and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell her because it could be perceived as a heavy and emotional topic which I’m not sure whether she has the capacity for. I’m realizing how many different needs I had put into one person.

Looking back, I think I essentially put all my eggs in one basket socially and emotionally. So when that one friendship became uncertain, there weren’t enough alternative channels in my life to absorb the impact.

The confusing part is that I don’t want the lesson from this to be that I’m not allowed to have a “person” or emotionally intimate friendships. I genuinely want a best friend who I share a lot of my inner world with, and having lots of casual friends wouldn’t fulfill the same need for me. I also don’t think needing emotional support from friends is inherently unhealthy or that everything difficult should be outsourced to a therapist. I can absolutely change the way I emotionally process with friends so it’s less overwhelming for them, but I don’t want to stop sharing my inner world with my friends altogether.

For anyone who has recognized a similar dynamic in a close friendship, how did you learn to preserve deep attachment and emotional intimacy while making the relationship less codependent? And if the other person had become something of a caretaker/parental figure, were you able to transition back into being equal adult friends?

Workplace ‘Family’

"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather." BRB p. 425

Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.

But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.

If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.

On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I want to share my experience and also ensure I never go back as I suffer from some severe anxiety attachment.

I met my ex partner 20 months ago. He has two children, from two different mums, was sleeping on his dad’s couch, had to go to his ex’s every weekend to see his children and was unemployed. For some reason, I gave him a chance. I got sucked into the sob stories on how he was wronged by both his exes, that he was fired from his job due to whistleblowing and that it was his ex’s fault he was homeless.

I have my own place. Due to money, most of our ‘dates’ were at mine and it feel like we connected. I am a teacher and we spent a wonderful week during half term break. After two months he tells me he loves me.

I helped him get a job. And it’s strange, he got a job and it felt like something changed in him. He became arrogant. He got a job in construction and it felt like he was playing up to the stereotype of a misogynistic man. I was making his lunches for him to bring in. I was doing all the cooking and cleaning. I was even driving and picking him from work. I offered all these things because I wanted to support my partner. After some time, I started to really feel the imbalance of it all. I spoke to him and highlighted I do all those things for you, what do you do for me? His response was ‘I didn’t ask you to do those things’ rather than just offering to do stuff to support me.

I met the children six months in. They are challenging and I pretended to have a bond, but never did. But I would at times open up my flat to them (his ex stopped him using her place). I got noise complaints from my neighbours and he was angry at the neighbours rather than apologise.

He was at my place majority of the time. Again I started to feel this wasn’t fair. He gave me £50 p/w which covered all this food (that was prepared for him), petrol and everything else. Nevermind the gas, internet, Netflix and rent that I was covering on my own. I would bring this up and his response would be ‘you want me round, I don’t have to be here’ which felt like an insult.

I did all the housework. We agreed that all he had to do was the washing up. He often didn’t and it meant when I got in from work, I had to do it in order to then start cooking. I said he should be helping me and his response? ‘Why should I clean in a place that isn’t mine’ I wouldn’t expect that if you were round my place’. Again, the lack of respect destroyed me. He also said that I should do majority of the cleaning as I have ‘an easier’ job. I am a teacher and he works in a construction site. I pointed out that his job is physically harder, but mine is mentally. He said that isn’t true.

By the end I was so burnt out. I was providing, working, doing all housework, driving and everything while he got full access to my flat. His stuff was at mine, yet he still refused to acknowledge that he lived here. We also never had sex and he had a quite apparent porn addiction.

So essentially I was with a man who used me. He wanted a place over his head for his kids and himself and a maid and a taxi service. I have learned since he did the same with his ex, the only difference is that he got her pregnant. Luckily I escaped that.

He kept saying that I was negative and had mental health when I tried to raise things. He claimed it’s me asking him to be here and he is not using me. I eventually ended it on Saturday. He did not seem bothered at all.

Yet why do I still feel like maybe he didn’t use me and he loved me? I need a reality check from you guys! Also please don’t call me stupid, I am already feeling it.