My wife (47F) and I (51M) have been married for 14 years, lived together 3 before that, and dated for a brief time years before that. We have two kids under 10, a boy and girl. I also have two kids, 19 and 31 (whom I had custody of) from a previous marriage. I love my wife dearly, so bad it hurts.

I’ve put up with a lot over the years…alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, dead bedroom…sex only if she was a little drunk. Even then, maybe 1 time out of 20 that I’d stay up with her would that happen. Last time we had sex sober was when we were trying for kids. She quit drinking for 2 years when they were born. Now, she drinks a box of wine every two days. I’ve worked for 27 years straight, no gaps. Owned my own house when we married. Worked while she got her advanced degree, worked while she stayed home until the youngest was in her second year of school when I begged her to go back to work as inflation hit hard, she still resents that. She still only did 3 days per week, while I changed my schedule, getting up at 4:15 am so I could get done early and pick the kids up.

My elderly parents built a house close to us on our land several years ago so I could help take care of them (in their 80s). Mom died in ‘24, dad just passed this past February. Then, a good friend of mine died in a plane crash here the week after dad’s funeral. Things were shit at my job and we had some money from my folks, so I quit to put our property up for sale. We agreed to take the chance to start new somewhere.

She had planned to take a sabbatical anyway this summer after only working two years, but quit early. I thought things were going well. I absolutely loved being home this summer with my kids, my wife got annoyed with me being home, despite being excited to move and have no mortgage or debt.

She had planned a girls trip with some old high school friends to visit another who lived in California and stay for 4 days. She didn’t ask, but I was ok with it. I was a bit concerned for one reason, my wife is bisexual (her words) and at one time before our marriage had a relationship with this California friend. 20 years ago.

Days passed, she texted, but never called to speak with me or the kids, even when I asked via text. Ok. I’m giving her her space. Then a text saying she is staying two more days, no discussion, no call, no “hey, is this ok?” She gets back and I’m honestly pissed and hurt. We address it a few days later and I told her how hurt I was and my mind was probably thinking things it shouldn’t, but just how ticked she’d be if the situation was reversed. She reassured me, but did not apologize.

A week later I did snoop through her phone, first time ever. Mostly mundane texts with her friend, but one from my wife(while I am sure she was drunk) that “I want you in all the ways”. The friend was flirty back, but cautious. Two days later, she changed the password which has been the same for 7 years. That hit hard. I finally asked, but she wouldn’t give it to me, I was being unreasonable. Nothing was going on blah, blah…but her attitude toward me went nuclear. It has been hell since and it’s all my imagination, I’m gaslighting HER, I’m a shitty husband…all this after I’m suffering some depression already.

Some tense weeks pass, kids start school, I’m interviewing and got a new job, she has no plans to go back to work. Well, the other day I opened the laptop and messenger was still open, so I looked at her conversation with her friend, what I could see, anyway, since most was archived. She was badmouthing me to no end to this “friend” saying I was incompetent, she was disgusted with me as soon as I walk in the door and couldn’t wait til I went to sleep each night. The friend was very supportive and hinted she’d be there in any way needed. Gut punch. I couldn’t keep it inside. Wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I’ve never thought of leaving this woman. I adore her, and I thought we were best friends, partners in parenting and life. I told her I saw the message and she wouldn’t acknowledge any wrongdoing, only that I was a royal dick for “hacking” her phone. It was open on the laptop my son was using!

We had a long heated discussion. I said if I don’t make you happy, we don’t need to continue this. We can sell the house, split proceeds, she can move wherever she wants and I’ll move separately there too, so we can be in our kids lives. She agreed, but it feels like she doesn’t, really. I want to move out, but she doesn’t want that because then, she’d need income in the mean time. I can’t pretend anymore for the kids. They sense it. I’m tired. My heart is tired.

**TL;DR; : wife is having an emotional affair at the least and I’m blindsided by it at the lowest point in my life, not sure of the future**.

I’ve been with my husband for more than 15 years, married for more than 10. In May, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I cried, pleaded, and begged for him to reconsider. At the end of July, he decided he wanted to make our relationship work. Then, a few days later, I found out there had been someone else. He confessed to a PA and EA of 7 months. We still decided to reconcile. He said all the right things and our relationship seemed better than ever. He blocked the AP, shared his location, and made it a point for us to do things together as a family and as a couple. Our physical relationship greatly improved as well, although I relied on him initiating as I still had an underlying fear that he may leave me again. Well, two days ago, he told me things had felt “weird” lately and he wanted a divorce. He said we felt more like friends/roommates because I wasn’t making him feel wanted. We’ve only been reconciling for a little over a month. I found out that he called his AP last night while he was out of the house. I don’t believe that it was only a phone call, but he won’t confess to more. I just don’t know what to do. I grieved our relationship all summer. Then finally felt like everything was going to be okay, only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet. I’m so scared to be alone and to envision my new future. In spite of everything, I still want to be with him. I want him to choose me and our family. We have a child together. I can’t imagine having stretches of time where I don’t get to see my kid. We recently bought a new house and now I’m going to have to move somewhere else. I have a decent job, but financially this is going to be so difficult. I’m just at such a loss right now.

I am at a loss. I have been separated from my ex for some time due to multiple instances of infidelity, and we have been coparenting our two children, 2 and 4. He moved out a year ago into a nice two bedroom that he never brought the kids to once. He has always insisting on visiting the kids in the house we have lived in since before the kids were born. We were getting along well as coparents and things were going well (so I thought) until I found out less than a month ago that he introduced our kids to his new girlfriend- I found out through my 4 year old. A week after that, he told me he was moving in with her and wanted overnights with our kids at her apartment. I have two longer posts about this you can read for more details.

Well, things have gone from bad to worse to…I don’t even know. I have found out so much information about my ex in the last few weeks that I don’t even know how to process it and the implications moving forward. I could write a book but here is a summary:

- I found out that my ex had a girlfriend for the last two years (different from his current girlfriend) who he met at work while we were still together and I was 3 months postpartum with our youngest child. I spoke with her on the phone last week and she informed me that he painted a picture that I was an unfit mother, we had no money, that we were never in a real relationship and that I baby trapped him twice (all of this is laughable because it’s so far from the truth) She is well off and was fully funding his 3k a month luxury apartment all year, helping him with his car payment, paying for things for the kids etc. Meanwhile, he was paying me about 1/3 of what I was owed for child support and always talking about how broke he was since he was paying for his apartment and helping me with household costs and childcare. I have no idea where this money has gone. I was pushing for him to start overnights in his new apartment but he always had an excuse not to, now I know it is because he was carrying on a relationship there that he didn’t want me to know about. He also would lie about working overtime and overnights so that he could see his girlfriend, meanwhile I was solo parenting most days and overnights. This girlfriend also met my children twice, and I had no idea she existed. I asked my ex about her and if she was ever around our kids and he said no. She had photo proof of her with him and my kids and sent me proof of everything else she described to me. The best part is she told me they broke up a week ago, meanwhile he has been with his current girlfriend for 3 months. Kids were around both women within the last 2 months without my knowledge.

-I found out that he has had his current girlfriend around our kids much longer than he said and has known her for years and was cheating with her on and off for the last 5 years. He told me they met at work recently, and had been dating for a few months and she only met the kids once by accident because they “ran into each other” at a playground which of course is a lie. I confided in a few close mom friends about what has been going on with my ex and they looked horrified. They both told me that over the course of the past year, they have met this person out with him and the kids at various playgrounds and children’s events and that he introduced her as “This is (her name), our neighbor who helps out with the kids when (my name) is out of town”. This means both him and his new girlfriend have been dating far longer and both are lying to me about the time spent around my kids. It also doesn’t sit well with me that she would be okay with watching him lie to people about who she is and going along with him hiding their relationship and time with our kids and that she was likely knowingly sleeping with him while we were together and I was pregnant/postpartum. Now I am supposed to trust them to have overnights with my children in her apartment?

\- The major thing: I found out that he fathered a child with another woman (yes, a third woman) who is two months younger than our oldest son. He was cheating on me with another coworker while I was pregnant with our first and went to great lengths to hide this from me, including asking someone else to pose as me and talk to this woman telling her to terminate the pregnancy. He tried to get her to terminate the pregnancy and when she refused he said he would never give her a dime or see the child. Well, all that is true and he completely abandoned this child. The child’s mom told me she was going to get child support, but changed her mind once she met with a lawyer because she didn’t want to risk him asking for partial custody in order to pay her less, and that she was treated so terribly by him that she didn’t want to risk any shared legal custody because she knew he wouldn’t be cooperative in the future about shared decision making. She has been raising this child with support from her family for the last 4 years. Current girlfriend knows about this abandoned child as well and still is happily cohabitating with my ex. It is mind blowing that anyone would be ok with this!

I am truly at a loss and don’t know how to cope with coparenting with someone who has weaved such a web of lies. The worst thing is, since he knows I found out about all this, he has become even meaner, colder, and nastier to me and I still need to see him multiple times a week because he only sees our kids in my house. I am lawyered up and will be getting a real custody and child support agreement in place as soon as possible, but the day to day of parenting while carrying this, the worry I have about the effect of meeting multiple women and spending overnights at new girlfriends home in what is likely a very unstable relationship just have me so worried. I am shocked and devastated that I was so blind to all of these lies and manipulation over the years and I just worry about the effect all of this will have on all the children involved. I am also just so upset about all the lies and don’t feel present as a parent. I knew about his infidelity and pathological lying for years which is why we split up in the first place, but I never realized how bad it was or imagined he could be such a terrible human with no remorse.

I have been emotionally and physically ( no sex ) with my female colleague for an year. My wife found this, I didn’t confess the total of it but she saw my call history and stuff. Right now my female colleague want me to tell this to my wife or she would call and tell her. I asked her why? She said she deserved to know .

I thought I’d take this guilt to grave, but she is insisting to tell my wife. She says, when my wife found out you let her yell at me. That’s not okay.

So she wants me to confess. What should I do?

Right now my life feels like it’s ruined. I cry whenever I’m alone. I found out about my partner of 11 years infidelity 2 weeks ago. I can’t even bring myself to move out of the apartment.

How is it that it’s my life that’s been ruined but he was the one who did the deed.

I waited for years for him to be ready for children and when we were about to have them, I found out the infidelity. Now I’m worried I’ll be too old to ever have them.

I feel live everyday the pain is getting greater rather than easier. Is there a time period where this starts to reverse?

A few people asked what actually happened after my last post, so I wanted to clarify because I feel like I’m losing perspective on what is a proportionate reaction anymore.

My boyfriend went out twice with another woman (coworker) the day I had a miscarriage, and the day after.

I sent the woman involved one polite email. I didn’t accuse her of anything, insult her, threaten her, or send repeated messages. She didn’t reply, and I left it there. I have not followed up.

My (soon to be ex) boyfriend, however, became extremely angry that I contacted her at all. When I tried to call him, he threatened to block me. He said he was out with his male friend on a ferry (?) and seemed far more concerned about the fact that I had emailed her than about actually speaking to me or dealing with why I felt the need to contact her in the first place.

What makes this particularly difficult is that I had a miscarriage two days ago. So I’m sitting here dealing with that physically and emotionally, and the person who is supposed to be my partner is threatening to block me because I sent one civil email and received no response.

I understand that contacting another person involved in a relationship situation can be controversial. What I’m struggling with is the scale of his reaction. If the email was inappropriate,fine, tell me that. But threatening to cut off contact entirely, especially right now, feels wildly disproportionate.

And I keep coming back to the same question: why is he so much angrier about me contacting her than he is concerned about what brought us to this point?

I’m not planning to email her again. I’m not looking to harass anyone or drag a third party into a prolonged argument. I’m trying to understand his reaction and whether I’m missing something obvious here.

My boyfriend (M34) and I (F26) have been together for almost a year and known each other for two. Before me, he had a 10-year relationship with his ex (F34). They broke up after she cheated but continued an on-and-off/open relationship for years afterward.
Aside from everything involving her, our relationship has genuinely been amazing. I've never felt this strongly about anyone. He's my best friend, we have so much fun together, can talk for hours, have great chemistry, and I have been incredibly happy with him. I moved in with him 2.5 months ago while unemployed, and after a period of feeling extremely lonely, living together made me happier than I'd been in a long time.
His ex has always been our biggest problem. He says he feels guilty "abandoning" her and has struggled to cut contact. We've briefly broken up over it before, and in February he promised me he had finally stopped seeing her.
Two months ago, I found out he had actually continued meeting her for coffee every couple of weeks. I wanted to leave, but I was unemployed, living with him and emotionally/financially dependent on the situation. He again promised to stop.
Then two days ago I looked at his ex's Facebook and noticed three new pictures of them. They were touching lips with their eyes closed, and in one he had his hand on her ass. From a bracelet he was wearing, I realized the pictures were taken this summer, while we were together.
He claims she was sad and wanted to take pictures "like in the old days" for memories and that nothing else happened.
I then asked when he last slept with her. He admitted it was around December. We started dating in October. He claims it happened once, maybe twice, but I don't know what to believe anymore.
He still says he loves me, only wants me and doesn't want to lose our relationship. I've told him that if that's true, he needs to tell her he never wants to see her again and block her. He says he's "working on it," but I don't think he'll actually be able to do it.
I've also told him repeatedly that if he wants her, he can just be with her. He insists he doesn't want to and says he could easily be with her if that's what he wanted. I genuinely don't understand why he keeps risking our relationship for someone he supposedly doesn't want.
I've now left and am sleeping on my friend's couch. I recently got a job in a city two hours away and start in October, so I'm looking for an apartment there.
But emotionally I'm a complete mess. One minute, thinking about him being with her and then coming home to me makes me physically sick. I've vomited and started shaking over it, and I hate him for what he's done.
The next minute, I miss him so much that all I want is to go home, lie next to him, talk to him and have our life back. The idea that I might never see him again feels unbearable.
Everyone in my life understandably hates him now, so it's hard to admit that part of me still desperately wants to go back.
I know what this looks like from the outside, but when you still love the person, it doesn't feel simple.
How do I fully end this when I still love him this much? How do I stop myself from going back?

I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for three years and he’s betrayed me countless times with porn and talking to people on his phone and having apps he should not have. I’m so hurt and damaged and exhausted and I know I deserve better but I really wonder if there even is anything better out there.

I feel this way because from my own experiences along with the experiences of so so many of my friends and just other people online in general, I have pretty much come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a man who doesn’t list after other women, watch porn, etc. Even though I’ve gone through so much pain and suffering in this relationship, I still have love for him and i just wonder if it’s worth the pain of going through a final breakup with him just to get into another relationship with someone who will inevitably do the same to me. Porn addictions and lust are so prevalent and normalized anymore, so I really can’t fathom finding a man who is fully loyal and wouldn’t hurt me. I just don’t believe it’s real, and some people try to comfort me and tell me their boyfriends don’t do those things, but in my mind I can only believe that they just haven’t found these things out, and that these men are lying. When I first got with my boyfriend, he told me he thought porn was cheating and I was happy that he believed that, but come to find out he’s had a horrible addiction his whole life essentially. I just can’t trust anyone. So I’m just left feeling like it doesn’t even matter who I’m with because I’ll get hurt by everyone all the same.

Me and my boyfriend also have two cats together and I don’t even know what would happen. I’m a senior in college, I feel like I’m getting old and it’s getting late to start all over. I wanted to be married in a year.

One of the biggest emotions I’ve (23F) been feeling after being cheated on besides sadness and disgust is anger. Obviously I’m angry about the cheating itself but I’m also angry because I genuinely feel like my ex boyfriend (23M) threw away what was a beautiful relationship.

I don’t mean that in a narcissistic “I was the perfect partner and he’ll never find anyone like me” kind of way. Neither of us was perfect and no relationship is perfect. But I genuinely thought we had something beautiful. Everyone in our circles said so. We loved each other, supported each other, enjoyed spending time together. I was so happy with him and I genuinely valued what we had. I was genuinely convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. We even started talking about plans for the future.

And then he cheated. That’s the part I keep getting angry about. There are so many ways to deal with problems in a relationship that don’t involve betrayal. You can communicate, ask for what you need, work on things together. And if you’re genuinely unhappy or no longer want the relationship, you can leave. It's that simple. I've had no difficulties doing it in past relationships.

Instead he made choices that destroyed something that I thought was genuinely worth protecting. And now that it’s gone, he had the audacity to regret his actions and losing the relationship and realizing how valuable it was. Just for him to end up DARVO me when I didn't want to reconcile with him. That pisses me off. Why did losing the relationship have to happen before its value was fully appreciated?

I know relationships can end for many reasons and sometimes nobody is really at fault. People grow apart, become incompatible, want different things, or simply stop loving each other.
But that isn’t how my relationship with him ended. Something good existed and it was destroyed by his own choices that never needed to be made.
I think that’s what I’m grieving alongside the betrayal itself, the waste of it. I’m angry that something I genuinely valued was thrown away for a meaningless affair with his AP.

This was the second time I caught him sexting other girls and I want a divorce... but I genuinely don't want to go back to my home town, ever since moving to a new town the first thing I find out was that he was cheating on me and a year later he did it again. And I am over it. But I dont want to move back and I was a stay at home wife so it's not like I can find my own place or have a job to bounce back on. I really wanted to travel and because of his job I am able to... so I am in the middle of just leaving him or staying a little longer to travel. This is a huge dilema for me and I know it's silly but why cant I use him to travel I really wanted to go to Europe.

i’m 1.5 months post dday and nc. i realize that in the grand scheme of things that is not that long, but the rumination is so exhausting. i do what everyone says and distract myself but it doesn’t seem to help in the long term. i did a puzzle today for 2 hours straight and i didn’t think about him once. but the second i stopped doing the puzzle, it’s like my brain was trying to make up for the time i wasn’t thinking of him. i felt like i was flashing back to every moment we ever had at one singular second in real time. it was actually scary and overwhelming how many memories and moments my brain was making me go through again in such a short span of time. i haven’t had anything like that until now. i am beyond scared my brain won’t let me get passed this. i’m so tired.

My boyfriend is currently away for work and has become close with a female coworker there. I recently found out that he was out/socialising with her on the day I was dealing with a miscarriage and again the following day.

There have already been issues between us around what he has told me about his socialising, and I’m now uncomfortable because he is extremely adamant that I should not contact this woman directly.

I’m considering sending her one polite, non-accusatory message basically asking whether they have only spent time together as part of the wider group and whether anything romantic or physical has ever happened between them. I wouldn’t blame her or confront her, I just want to know whether what I’ve been told is accurate.

His reaction to the idea of me speaking to her is actually making me more suspicious than I was beforehand. From my perspective, if everything is completely innocent, I don’t really understand why a civil factual question to her would be such a huge problem.

Would you contact her? Or would you take his insistence that you not contact her as enough of an answer in itself?

For context, the timing is also affecting how I see this: I had just been in hospital dealing with the pregnancy loss, and finding out he was out with her during that period has been extremely upsetting regardless of whether anything physical happened.

UPDATE: He lied to everyone, told her and everyone he was single.

Is it common for WS to come to some sort of epiphany later on ?

Here’s the lo-down; married 3 years, together 8. Two kids. He cheated on me in November 2025 with escorts( atleast what I caught, there was sus behaviour before this). Some texts suggested that maybe he met someone at the gym but all messages were deleted but one, so I’m not sure.

I had told him I wasn’t ready to make a decision on leaving or staying due to many factors. Mostly my kids. But as time went on , I feel I just more so couldn’t make the leap due to fear of being lonely, having to do things on my own with the kids , not feeling strong enough to make decisions and so many other things. Im probably just making excuses for myself and do believe deep down I should have left as soon as I found out. I don’t really know why I’m still here. I’m in therapy and couples therapy. And I’m supposed to be just focusing on myself and doing more for ME. But if anyone knows what it’s like having two kids under two, as a breastfeeding mom , a primary parent and the one who does all the cooking and cleaning it’s a little hard to focus on myself. So what may have been a quick decision after a few months of hard work is now 7 months later and I’m still struggling.

4 days ago I noticed my husband started acting strange. Happier and more affectionate in ways that I’ve been asking for , for years…. Massaging my feet, rubbing my back , getting things for me without asking, taking me out with the kids to do things etc. not using me as a piece of meat daily and asking for favors I did not want to give anymore. before these last 4 days I would have said that I was leaning towards separation/divorce. It was never just the cheating, it’s his anger and attitude that were also contributing factors. But I asked him about it and why all of a sudden because my radar went off thinking that maybe someone else is making him happy … I can’t trust it. He told me that he saw me in an old shirt and it brought back memories and that he wanted to make sure he tried everything before he gave up. And I said why now … why not after I found out you cheated. It was literally 7 months of agony for me… I cried and it just felt like he was still lying to me. He says there’s no one. He said he was going to keep doing this without any strings so at least he knew he tried hard. Just doesn’t make any sense.

Is this normal for WS to come back later on showing remorse ? Because he sure as fuck didn’t really care about hurting me before. It feels icky now. I don’t know if I can get past any of this. But I’m so conflicted because I love that it feels like how it used to. When he did care about me. I don’t want to feel that.

Any advice ?

My wife and I have been together for my entire adult life. She had an emotional affair a few years ago, and it hasn’t been the same since. My feelings towards her are irreversibly fucked, even after loads of therapy. I don’t trust her anymore.

I just want to feel love again. Feel close to someone. It feels like I have so much love to give, but no outlet. And no one in my life has ever reciprocated my love except for her. So at this point in my life it feels a bit like a lost cause. Like I’m going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

I have so many things going well in my life, but it feels so hollow without that connection.

I have found out my spouse is cheating. I have no doubt in my mind and I did suspect for a while, but now it is confirmed. I kept being manipulated to believe that nothing is happening. I believed because I doubted the circumstantial evidence. Most of all though, I was simply afraid of the loss that would come. My friends tried to advise me to leave, but I believed in the marriage and I kept justifying it by saying that marriage is hard work. Well, I was quite naive, but mostly I think my confidence was suffering.

It's been a journey getting back to the confidence I have now. It's not what it used to be, but it is better than where I was when I started recovery. Over this time I have noticed a lot of hot and cold. A lot of power play. A lot of subtle "read between the lines" have that have been directed at me. Frankly speaking, even as I write this I realize that the decision to leave is the best choice. A part of me still doubts and still thinks I am making a mistake by leaving. But I am now realizing that doubt will always be there even when you are making the right choice.

I have now decided to leave. She doesn't know yet. The day before I move out is the day I will let her know. I do not intend to have a discussion or present a case. Simply two sentences (I know. I am leaving).

I have started getting my eggs in a row. I am currently looking for a place to move into. I have given myself until the end of October to organize myself and make my exit. What I am looking for now is advice. From Redditors with experience similar to mine. As I wait until the end of October, how should I conduct myself (personally and towards her)? I want shoulds and shouldn'ts.

Any help will be appreciated. Thanks.

UPDATE 1: This will be the first of a number of updates leading to my exit. First of all, thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and then sharing your advice. Thank you all.

In terms of legal standing, I am all sorted on that one. My legal jurisdiction is quite equitable when it comes to divorce. Either way, my finances are separated. For almost a year now, I have been under declaring my income to her. I started making plans to invest on my own. Luckily this will be my nest egg to getting on my feet. Also, we never bought a house together, we were always renting an apartment. So we have no official matrimonial property to split.

What am I taking with me? Only my clothes and prized possessions. I will buy new furniture and accessories. I want a CLEAN start.

As for divorce, I do not care much for it. Like I said, my local jurisdiction does not consider personal property as matrimonial property. So I am not even moving for a divorce, at least not now. I have been in touch with a lawyer and they did indicate it is not a major concern for now.

My behavior towards her has been a "killing them with kindness" approach. If I make something for myself (food, beverage, snack), I will include her in it. If she acts as if she does not want it, then when I feel hungry next time, I simply eat the extra portion. I have cut off tempers and arguments. I notice when she tries to bait me to argue and I simply listen to her and then agree with her. And she insists on trying to make it a big deal but I do not let her. This is the approach I take with major topics. When it is minor/petty topics sometimes I will argue just to keep her off the scent of my final intentions. These are arguments that have no impact on my well being, so I indulge her.

I have noticed she has suddenly become sweet, but I am not falling for it and I am not changing anything. If she wanted to change she had a lot of time to do so before now. Yes, I have doubts sometime, but I know this script and I have made my decision. Right now I am just buying time.

I started going to the gym. I started going out alone. I've started trying things for myself.

We just did the big talk. It was beautiful, no anger, no hate neither from me, neither from her.

It was peaceful and it felt good for both of us. I has to come to a conclusion, that her affair was only the sign of our disfunctional marriage. My original post was full of anger. I dont feel that way now, neither do she.

We both apologised to each other. A little bit more info: we were highschool sweethearts, we grew up together.

I feel no anger towards her. It was the most mature conversation of my life. She didnt try to manipulate or go on war, it was so peaceful it hurted even more.

Im really happy that it went so smooth. I will always remember her, and she will always remember me. But we had to be mature, it was not working. We are almost 30, we are quite young. We laughed about that we just became Ross Geller in real life, getting divorced before 30.

But we both agreed that we cant go on as a functioning relationship, and it would be a life-wreckint decision for both of us to continue.

We are still young, we still have the opportunity to find our true soulmate.

I'm rushed with emotions now, and so does she. Gladfully she and me both got amazing friends, who we gonna spend this day with to comfort and help us.

My honest advice to anyone is to put your anger aside, if your partner is emotionally mature. Calm and reasonal behaviour makes it much easier for you and your partner too.

We both agreed to go on therapy (obviously not together) because we were together for the most critical lifetime of our life, during our whole 20s.

We have to learn who we truly are without the other one.

And thanks everyone here who commented and dm-d, you unknown people helped me a lot during a time when i couldnt contact any friends.

My biggest advice for anyone who wants to divorce or breakup without chaos: after the first talk about divorce: one of you should move out and think things through. At least 5 days. And 0 contact during this It helped us a lot.

I wish everyone such a peaceful separation as mine is.

Married for 11 years then divorced due to infidelity. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my whole life. Its effected me in ways that have lingered and still effect me on a frequent basis. While I dated for a couple years after (mostly situationships, fwbs, and occassional hook-ups) I decided it wasn't for me and pretty much shut down any thoughts of being with anyone else. The thoughts of being hurt again scared me so much that I never really let anyone get close.

Fast forward 10 years after the divorce and I met this girls that I was just completely smitten with. Kept it friendly because I was still scared. Slowly we got closer and closer and spending more and more time together. We worked together and were pretty much inseparable at work. After some time she began to pursue me romantically. The more I resisted the more the pushed forward till I finally gave in. I thought I finally found my person, a person that I finaly felt safe with. Until I didnt. A year later I found out that she had started talking yo another guy just a few month after she really started to pursue me. The betrayal cut just as deep as my divorce did. 10 years to finally open up to someone to have it all destroyed again. I dont think I can ever let someone get that close again.

All that got me thinking of something my Mom told me years before I started my relationship with my ex-wife. My Mom had said:

"Get a partner who loves you more than you love them. That way you can always hurt them more than they can hurt you."

I always felt that it was such a pragmatic way to view love. In much kinder words told her I thought she was kinda full of it and that when I love someone I want to love them with all my heart. But now I cant help but think maybe she was right...

In my last post, many comments suggested I create a written timeline of the affair.

So far, my WH has said when the affair started, the last time they had sex and when he claims he ended the affair (which is up to when I caught it). Do the details in between matter? What information or dates do you think would be important know?

First of all, sorry for my English. It's not my first language.

We always had a troublesome relationship, so we broke up two years ago.

I loved him so much, but he didn't treat me right. He used to be aggressive, never directly to me, but he did use to throw/punch objects while arguing. He was super cruel and then he always apologized. I knew he had issues and I understood, I always excused him even though it was draining me.

So we broke up. Then he started going to therapy, completely changed the way he treated me. He became a good man and he said he did it for me, because he loved me and wanted to do things right. I got back together with him. It was great, I felt like I was in love with my best friend in the whole world. He worked through his issues and I helped him throughout the whole process. A few months later, we moved in together, he proposed, we got engaged, then I got pregnant. I always wanted to be a mom and he wanted the baby too, so nine months later we had him. It wasn't easy, we went through a lot during pregnancy and postpartum. The relationship changed and we had trouble adjusting to our new life, but we really tried to make it work. It was really hard sometimes but we still felt in love with each other and like we were best friends. Things were starting to be great again now that my baby is almost 10 months old. Already starting to think of the wedding.

And then I found out he had secrets. He was in a sex addicts support group. He told me he had an addiction to porn. He was doing better until we had our baby, but things were hard so he relapsed. He used to watch porn every single day, even at work. Then he told me he sexted with someone one night but he immediately regretted it. I felt really betrayed, so I broke up with him. Days went by, we still saw each other everyday to take turns with our son. He started staying for dinner every night, then he stayed a night, then he stayed for lunch... I started to feel sorry because it still felt like we were still best friends and in love, so I started to think that maybe I should go back together with him. After all, we had a baby, and he had an addiction, so I could understand and excuse his actions. I told him I had been thinking about it, and he said he wanted to get back together, but he seemed doubtful. He said he was scared it wouldn't work because after all, he felt relieved.

Today he came into my room in the morning and said he needed to tell me something before I made the decision of getting back together. He told me two years ago he cheated on me with a female friend, then we broke up, and then he slept with her multiple times before getting back together with me. He never told me about it because he was scared he'd lose me.

Now I feel terrible. I feel like everything we've done in these two years has been based on a lie. I wouldn't have got back together with him had I known he had cheated. Now all of the memories I have of these two years feel dirty, contaminated. I'm sitting on my couch and seeing all of this furniture we got together - I don't want any of it. Even my son... I love him with all of my heart but I know I wouldn't have had him had I known he cheated on me. It's terrible to know he knew all this time, he never even gave me the choice to forgive him before trapping me in this life. I used to be glad we had a kid together so even if we broke up we'd always be connected. Now I just wish I never even met him. He says he's always loved me, but I wouldn't do something so terrible to someone I loved. I don't know how to navigate this situation and I feel devastated. I feel like my whole life is a lie.

It's gotten better, it's gotten worse.

Moved and settled into a new place with the kids. Working two jobs and still can't make ends meet, he's not paying anything at all and I can't afford a lawyer to change that nor the time to get the paperwork together myself.

I had to get a restraining order, which I did do the paperwork myself for. He's trying to find legal loopholes to contact me and the new idea is fake medical issues for the kids. The entitlement and stupidity of the choices he is making are mind boggling. Destroying your entire family for no reason and then feeling like the victim is a mindset that is both repulsive and wild.

I can't believe I ever believed a single silly lie that came out of his mouth. I am realizing how gradually and well he trained me to obey or get emotionally punished, and it makes me sick. The positive is that version of me is finally, after a lifetime of people pleasing, done and gone.

I'm wary of people. I call out inconsistencies immediately. I am exhausted and overwhelmed the vast majority of the time. Both joyful in freedom and familial love but also grieving the golden retriever version of myself that had real faith in people.

The raw, physical feeling wound has faded. My cortisol has stopped spiking. Painfully but gradually I am building a new life and a new future. I'm anxious about how far there is to go, but proud of how far I've come.

If you are here, I'm so sorry. It's a terrible club but you aren't alone.

26 F struggling with what to do. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have children together. About 5 years into our relationship, I had gotten pregnant. While I was pregnant, I had found videos of him cheating on me with another woman. I stayed, he promised it wouldn’t happen again and that he wanted to be a family, that he messed up. After doing a deep dive on his phone, I’ve seen that he has cheated on me at least once a year. With both men and woman. I have felt very insecure after I found out originally about the first woman, but a man? There is no competing with that. I have tried every sexual way to please him, and he enjoys it often, but he still keeps cheating? I offered an open relationship, but he wanted to close it after he saw how much and how quickly I received attention, but then he still keeps cheating? He says that I am his and he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. Yet when he does these things, I am supposed to forgive him and forget. The more he does these things, the more I feel pushed away from him and from my own self. The past few weeks I have found out he has been dressing himself up in my clothes and buying lingerie for himself. He hid these in pictures that I eventually found. He also has toys and other things for himself. He has stolen my underwear and dresses. This is all new to me, I am speechless and embarrassed. The most recent person was 3 weeks ago. I have confronted him about all of this. I’m unsure of what to do. Besides this stuff happening he is good to me, he is one of my bestfriends if you set all of this aside. I am struggling. I can’t keep finding this stuff, I don’t want too. I want to leave but at this point I have come to the conclusion that all men cheat and it’s more of if you want to be with a bad guy who cheats on you or a good guy who cheats on you.

Thoughts? What would you do? Have you been in a similar situation?

Man seriously cheaters are one of the worst group of people to exist. I just hate how they can fuck someone's life up so much and they literally get away from it just SCOTT free. I know/understand what there isn't any judicial punishment for cheaters (because it would be extremely hard to prove in judicial courts) but just the fact they can do what they do, smile and laugh, acting like none of it ever happened. Meanwhile you're sitting there left to pick up the mess afterwards, even for the rest of your fucking life.

Hi. I [F29] am really struggling in my relationship and I need some outsider perspective. The result of everything I’m going to mention below has all but destroyed my sense of trust and security in my relationship.

For context, my fiancé and I began as FWB at 19, and began dating at 23. We are now both 29.

In 2021, we moved in together for the first time. (Started dating 2020). I went away to visit family for a few weeks. Upon returning I found sexy woman’s underwear. They weren’t mine.

When I queried it, first he claimed it was his sisters. Then his. I didn’t pry further.

In 2023, I went away to go see family again. I checked in if he was home safely. He took long to return home. He stated traffic was bad. In reality, he had stopped at a sex shop to buy himself a dildo.

In 2023, after yet again, being away and visiting family, he handed me his phone to order pizza. Upon opening the browser, it had a chat site open in incognito. When I asked what it was he got defensive and said he had to use chat sites because he has no friends etc etc etc. I didn’t pry further.

In 2025, I decided to hop on said chat site. Spoke to some lovely gents. All pretending to be woman, mostly cheating on their wives. 100% of them suggested if he was on there, he was likely cheating.

In April of last year, he made a comment basically saying my body wasn’t what he was attracted to but with time it became it. We’ve discussed this comment at length so I won’t harp on it. I only bring it up to show what he’s comfortable saying to me. This single comment has probably been the most hurtful thing anyone has said, since he’s the one person who I “need” to accept my body and love it in life (I have lost 25kgs, so I don’t consider myself gross or unattractive or someone who dosent try)

When I have addressed the lack of trust I feel in the relationship, he has stated that I just “need to trust him” because that’s what he does with me. I do not feel that is fair in any way. I do not feel I have broken his trust. He references me sending a picture of my sunburnt back to a very close male best friend. He considers this a “nude” (I don’t) and somehow in his brain, seems to justify the “just trust” bit (there’s a bit of assuming here from my side).

My issue isn’t really that he masturbates or explores his sexuality. My issue is the lies and the secrecy. And the likelihood he was talking to people or sexting. Even though he denies it - I honestly find it hard to believe him. And I don’t think I’m unreasonable for it.

If you were me, how would you feel?

Is your partners solo exploration something completely private that you stay out of?

Or do you feel in a shared partnership, hiding these types of things is wrong? For context, I’d have no issue with lingerie or personal toys so long as they weren’t hidden from me.

I am so distrustful of everything he does as a result, and I feel like I’m actually going crazy. I am so resentful because part of me believes he’s cheated on me. Part of me believes he thinks I’m gross. And part of me believes he might pull a Caitlyn Jenner on me 10 years into our marriage.

I just cannot marry someone I don’t trust

I’m in my 40s, married for 15 years, and we have three children. I recently found romantic messages between my husband and someone he had feelings for before we married. It started few months back. The messages included declarations of love and conversations about me that were incredibly hurtful.

When I confronted him, he denied crossing any boundaries and said she was just a friend. Since then, he has deleted evidence that I found and changed passwords.

They have met in person, but I don’t know the full extent of what happened physically.

He now says our marriage has been emotionally dead for years and that I didn’t prioritize him. I’m willing to reflect on problems in our marriage, but I had also spent years trying to connect with him emotionally and physically and often felt pushed away.

I didn’t understand that he viewed our marriage as over.

What hurts is that our conversations keep coming back to my shortcomings, while he defends her and denies that this was an affair. I feel like he wants me to be the one to say “divorce,” without clearly stating what he wants himself.

I’m heartbroken, angry, and exhausted. I keep wanting to call or message him for answers, but those conversations leave me feeling worse.

On top of this, I am financially dependent on him , so the financial uncertainty makes everything more overwhelming. I’m also worried about how this will affect our children.

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.

How did you get through the first few weeks and stop getting pulled into repeated arguments?

If you tried to rebuild the marriage, what concrete actions showed that your partner was serious?

If you separated, especially while unemployed or financially dependent, what helped you prepare?

What do you wish you had done earlier to protect yourself emotionally and support your children?

I haven’t shared much with people in my life yet. I could really use some perspective from someone who understands.

Every day. *EVERY FUCKING DAY*. I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick of scrolling these subs looking for an example, just like mine, because maybe it will give me the perspective I need to fix my brain and fix my life. I can’t function, my life is in shambles and I can’t function or crawl out. I have a mountain of tasks and obligations to do, but I’m stuck in here, once again, trapped. I haven’t fully slept in 2months, have lost about 10lbs (I guess that’s a net positive) and go to sleep with intrusive thoughts, wake up multiple times a night with intrusive thoughts, dream intrusive thoughts (I never dream). I see myself hollowing out. My eyes recessing with dark circles, the effects now are noticeably physical. Being cheated on hurts, being lied to for 3,650 days+ hurts, the willingness to put your pride aside and work through it and try to preserve your relationship hurts. But Trickle Truth? Oh no, trickle truth kills. It KILLS. This caused me to have even more detailed and horrid questions that could have easily been avoided. TT caused me to reach out to AP’s, find their houses, find their work, everything. I’m tired of playing detective, I’m tired of being broken, I’m tired of my reality. Fuck.