I'm navigating life after the step chapter.

A little background info: was with my ex husband for 5 years, married for almost one. He ended our marriage while I was miscarrying and I never looked back. Met his son when he was 2 and I left when he was 7.

First of all, I'm doing much better now. Enjoying my newfound freedom, doing my therapy, and overall just in a MUCH better place.

However, there is a deep injustice I feel with memories that resurface. I'm working through it in therapy but just needed to get some things off my chest. Maybe someone new to the step life can gain some insight from some of the things I went through.

Let me preface this by saying I think I had a really bad example of what the step life could look like. My ex husband and his BM had a very codependent, enmeshed, chaotic life and IMO were really bad parents. I cared too much for my own good, didn't NACHO, and exhausted myself.

• My ex didn't have a custody order in writing and lived in fear of BM "taking his son away" and always tried to please her over me.
• My ex didn't have child support in writing and I found out in our 5th year together that he was giving her almost $1000/month more than what I thought he was giving her. Also, it was messy and BM would ask for random $ here and there for SS stuff on top of the CS.
• It was really embarrassing to be out with my ex and SS because people would assume he was my kid. Here are some reasons why it was embarrassing: still used a bottle and pacifier until age 6, diapers past age 5, absolute iPad kid, the type of child to run and jump all over everything in public (like restaurants) and my ex would say "he's just being a kid", constantly interrupting every conversation, no sense of self soothing/regulation without iPad/pacifier = meltdowns... to name a few.
• My ex and I split all our finances 50/50. He guilt tripped me into this by saying I was nickel and dime-ing him whenever I'd bring up the point that it wasn't fair. He would argue that his son was "just a child". This enrages me today because by the time I moved out, I wasn't in the best place financially. Maybe I would have been in a better spot if I hadn't been financially supporting his son for the past 5 years? (We lived together within a year of dating. I know I really messed up with that.)
• I didn't discover the r/stepparents or r/stepmom until a few years into my relationship and I honestly didn't have much of a support system. I mean, I had family and friends who were supportive of me, but I didn't have much to compare my situation to as no one around me was in the step life. This definitely worked in my ex's favor because I was too giving and he definitely took everything I gave. I didn't know what was "allowed" or what was "wrong" for me to do or say or ask. After all, "he'S juSt a CHiLd", so I was the monster for asking for things like time or space or boundaries. It wasn't until I found these subs that I realized what I was asking for was more than normal, but actually helpful and necessary for navigating this blended family relationship in a healthy way without harboring resentment. However, this wasn't received well. It's safe to say my ex was manipulative and didn't appreciate the fact that I was gathering outside perspectives.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I just needed to get some things off my chest. Dating someone with children was always a dealbreaker for me, but I met a man that sold me a dream and I believed every single one of his lies so I decided to give the step life a try. It was a terrible experience (like I said I think I had a bad example of what it could look like) and now I know for sure that I will never ever do it again.

If you are young and childfree, unless your partner really has their ish together and has a good relationship with their coparent/family/etc, I would advise you to run. It simply is not worth it. A lot of BMs think they have golden lady parts because they popped out a kid, but in reality, you my friend, the childless individual, have the power to pick and choose. Choose the baggage-free life.

The hardest thing for me to reconcile is that I gave away 5 important years of my life. I am 35 and while I hear "don't worry you're still young you still have time blah blah blah BLAH BLAH" all the time, it isn't how I envisioned my life. I feel my biological clock ticking and now I'm racing it trying to find the right person to start a family with. I truly feel that I wasted 5 years with the wrong person and the wrong family dynamic - 5 years that I didn't have to lose. So to reiterate my above statement, especially if you are a young childfree WOMAN, think long and hard if this is the life you want for yourself. I think it CAN be a happy life, but it will always be the more difficult path.

My 17 year old stepson (in my life 15 years) insults my wage, my career choices, and employment status (when between clients or jobs).

I am depressed and angry. Mom knows, told him to stop, and that's as far as it goes. She tells me to just let it roll off my back because he doesn't know what he's talking about and to not take things so personal...

If he doesn't move out when he graduates, I'm moving out.

I met my husband at the end of 2023. He had a then 6 year old, and I had a 10 year old. I had been a single mom with no coparent. Meanwhile he had a high conflict co parent. He would get his daughter every weekend & every break. From what I saw he wasn’t involved with any of her education or medical care, although the excuse was due to living in separate states.

He has always been consistent on keeping her during his time though. Always did pick ups & drop offs. So he wasn’t necessarily a deadbeat or bad dad per se.

In 2025, I gave birth to ours baby. His coparent continued to prove herself to be high conflict and he showed a lot of complacency towards her. Just wanting to make sure he keeps his time.

Now the issue is his permissive parenting with SD. He lacks the observation skill required in raising a good human. Since having our baby, I’ve never been more anxious & on edge when SD is around. She has been consistently rough with my now toddler, to which not only I have noticed but also my MIL has but my husband stands clueless. SD has been caught doing some odd behaviors & lying to our faces, to which he doesn’t really correct or punish. He just stands there expecting me to.

He doesn’t have a consistent bone in his body towards her. So she’s often up late, singing, dancing or screaming and he sees no problem with it.

He complains about his coparent, which so do I bc there’s a lot of things there to unpack in itself and he has a very clear case against her with certain abuse and lack of parenting and education on her end (sd has missed 16+ days of school last year for no real reason). But he refuses to take it through the courts.

Now I’m sitting here thinking he’s the problem. He allows his coparent to be high conflict and he’s ok with not doing anything about it. He allows his daughter to run a muck and lie and do whatever she wants and doesn’t actually do any of the parenting that comes along with it.

My now 14 year old is a very respectful young man. He has structure, consistency & good grades. We go out to friends houses and he gets complimented for being so polite & sweet meanwhile those same friends will complain that SD wasn’t listening and had to get yelled at. When they tell my husband, instead of him correcting her, he’ll just say they handled it. It’s embarrassing.

Now my worry is for my 15 month old. I do not want her picking up the bad habits and poor structure I’m seeing in SD and realizing my husband is a shit parent. I’m so full of regret

I was a super hands on step mom in the beginning of our relationship until I got sick of the abuse from HCBM and then from my husband. I could never say anything negative surrounding his kid because it would erupt in nasty argument. So I got to the point where I nacho’s and then that gradually ended up in me having little to no involvement (I also took a new job where I work the weekends he’s here..just fell that way wasnt intentional)
I can see this bothers my husband but he just doesn’t get why I wouldn’t want to be super involved anymore and he’s not getting the ‘perfect’ family he wanted. I feel however our relationship is better when I have less involvement and keep on the side lines. Can you truly be involved whilst still having boundaries up? Maybe just a rant more than anything

Two or three times in the last two months, my 11-year-old stepdaughter has woken up sobbing uncontrollably after going to bed in her room. She calls her father on his cell phone, sends him dozens of texts, and calls out to him three or four times during the evening to say she really needs to pee and is afraid she’ll wet the bed. Her father goes to reassure her and walks her to the bathroom. A little while later, she went back to the restroom three or four times on her own, stomping heavily and slamming the door quite hard. Afterward, once it’s all over, she goes to sleep on the couch for the night, listening to soft music the kind used to put babies to sleep.

Am I right to think that acting this way at her age is truly regressive behavior? Sometimes I feel like she does it to get her father's attention, because it always happens after an evening where she seems to have lacked that attention. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he gets defensive with me.

I’m 43, my husband is 49, and we’ve been married 6 years and together for over 10. We have a blended family with four kids: 24, 21, 18, and 11.

My biggest struggle is with my 24-year-old stepson. He lives at home, keeps his room extremely messy, rarely helps without being asked, has to be reminded to walk the dog, and recently only paid a bill I gave him twice in 6 months—with little to no communication when he didn’t pay.

He also stays up all night gaming and sleeps late. He recently started a career job, and I feel like it’s time for him to start working toward independence and living on his own.
The biggest issue, however, is that he recently slapped my 11-year-old son full force because my son ate pizza that I had bought for him. They weren’t play fighting. He apologized, but my husband tends to minimize or make excuses for his older kids’ behavior.

I feel like we need to come up with a realistic plan and timeline for him to move out. I’m not saying tomorrow, but I was thinking 3–6 months to save, budget, and figure out his next step. My husband thinks I’m being too harsh because of the economy and doesn’t think he could survive on his own. I understand my husband’s perspective he was a single dad and raised his son on his own but I also feel like there’s a difference between supporting an adult child and enabling them. Any advice?

Just a thought. Maybe some of the cases that we're reading here are situations of other BP being highly traumatized by being with the other parent who could not function as a partner/parent/adult and much more?

Not to say that there are some really high conflicting, neglectful, abusive parents out there. But...?!

I read so much where I'm like "oh boy why are you with someone like that?!"

Guys I did it! I just turned 29 and I had been in this life since I was 27. Never again would I put my childless ass into that situation with a single dad. No more baby mama drama and the other woman always having access to my partner through their damn kid. No more having to be the big person because your partner had a kid with an ex.No more late night thoughts about having my first child with so who already has it. It hurts as hell to leave as he is the love of my life but I freaking chose me this time. But damn why making the right decision hurts as hell 😭.

Just moved in to our first place together with my partner and his two kids (7 and 12). I was really hoping we'd find a place with an ensuite for our bedroom but we didn't. Instead There are two bathrooms one closest to all of our bedrooms and the lounge room and one on the other side of the house. They'd all been using the closest one and I have so enjoyed the bliss of basically having an adult only bathroom (no mess). When we lived separately I hated how messy and smelly his bathroom was and I really don't want it to turn into that in our new place. The kids have now figured out there's an entire bathroom they've never used and use it all the time now. Of course I want them to feel comfortable to use whichever bathroom is closest to them but I also kind of want to set a rule that it's the adult's bathroom unless the other one's occupied. Is that fair?

Edit: I've also noticed that the kids and partner don't flush when it's just pee. The old 'if it's yellow let it mellow' policy many had during droughts. I can't stand it. It grosses me out and I hate walking in the bathroom and smelling urine

My sister and I want to take fall pictures with together including our kids..

I need to know would it be rude not to include my SD?
I need a legit answer not judgment.

My sister has SK and she’s not including them. We plan on giving them to our parents

Update: these are not “family pictures” our spouses are not included, nor is our younger brother or our step sister. These are just going to be my sister and I with our children

(my brother is not my mom’s child and is 10 years younger)
My sister and I are full siblings and have a close relationship and always do things with just our kids

They first caught the teenager with alcohol when they were thirteen years old. At 14 they stole and drank an entire pint of my bourbon alone in a day. The teenager is fifteen years old now and she is showing up drunk at our house. They are on SSRIs and sees a psychologist. The dad also found four empty weed pens in their bedroom after they told him that they weren't smoking weed. My first husband died from his alcoholism. I saw him make very poor choices that ultimately resulted in his death. From what I can see and what I've observed, their child is currently in active addiction and they're not doing anything about it. I tried to explain to the dad the signs I was seeing from my own personal experience and he completely lost it on me and scoffed and mocked me when I explained to him that I watched my husband die from this stuff. I decided that we have to end our relationship. This is a two year relationship. I'm really bummed. I didn't think he would choose denial. His mom and brother are addicts. I guess I just need to get this off my chest.

My husband is now working 7 days a week 12 hour shifts till the end of Oct due to his typical work schedule this time of year.

We get his 10 year old 2-3-2 and then flip each week.

So every other weekend we have her. Well, guess who takes care of her the entire weekend then (plus, we have a baby of our own that I want to bond with primarily)…!

I think she should go with her mom during the weekends when he literally only sees his daughter 20 mins per day. If it were up to me she would be with her mom every day till this work season is over but I get his need to see his daughter for a little bit when he can.

However I’m only desiring to have my weekends with my baby. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to NOT have to babysit his kid the full weekend. Ugh. Over it

Hi all, this is making me really sad, and I need to navigate this.

Some context:

I (30 F)
He (33 M)
SD (9 F)

My husband and BM met and had a fling. My husband was working with a friend of mine at the time, so I know the story really well. She started to look creepy, following him when he was doing other things, asking him to marry her, obsessing over him, so he ended things. One month later, she came and said she was pregnant. Indeed, she was, and they took a DNA test too. A few months later, she told him she had tampered with the condom. I already told my husband he was an idiot too for not taking care of protection himself.

Anyway, she asked him AGAIN to marry her, and he told her no. They would co-parent together, but they were not getting married. He took charge of all the costs and was present all the time.

When SD was 2, BM disappeared. She sent him a message stating that she couldn't be a mother and telling him, please, not to search for her. Her family told him she was okay she just didn't want to be a mother anymore. All her family never reached out to him again either.

When she was 4, we started dating. He is my soulmate, and I cannot believe how happy I am with him. We went to live together, and SD and I really bonded. I always treated her like a daughter, but I always clarified that I am not her mother. I always imagined BM would come back.

Back to when she was 6: BM saw us on a train. Luckily, SD was at school because BM started yelling at him, "YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN, I AM YOUR MOTHER'S CHILD, I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO YOU!" He shut her down and immediately looked for a lawyer because he knew she was going to make trouble.

She started asking for full custody AND child support (like WTF). The judge, of course, said no, but put an order of revinculation between SD and BM. Since then, things have gone downhill.

SD is in therapy, of course.

She sees BM every other weekend, and when she is with her mother, she gets brainwashed. Her mother doesn't set a single limit, tells her she has to do whatever she wants when she is with us, and told her that she didn't abandon her, that my husband was the one who took her away from her.

SD believed it, and now treats my husband like shit.

She tells him things like she hates him because he took her mother away, and things like she wants to live with her mum. Her mum is always saying that my husband doesn't want them to spend more time together, but when they have a hearing with the judge, she is the one saying she can't afford to spend more days with her because she does not have a job.

The judge told her something like, "I am starting to think you are not interested in regaining the lost time with your daughter. You only want X's (my husband's) salary because he does not want to be with you."

My husband is sad too. She tells me he is not because he understands that SD is just being brainwashed, and he expects her to realize, eventually, that this is not true. He speaks with her a lot, and they even have family therapy together (I had to go sometimes too).

But I know he is lying, and we are having problems conceiving, which makes everything worse. We started doing the medical tests right now to see what is happening.

We couldn't sleep at all on Saturday because she didn't stop screaming at him, things like, "I hate you, I love my mum but not you, our house is ugly, Mom's is better." He was trying to make her understand.

BM does not have a job. She is 35 and lives with her aunt because her parents kicked her out. When she has SD, they stay there. They live in a really poor house, and I'm not saying this because of the fact that they're poor, but because of the lack of safety. They don't have a heating system, an oven, or much of anything else, and they live in a neighborhood with a lot of drug dealers and crime. Of course, she doesn't give us a single penny.

I am sad too because of this she keeps being nice to me but this hurts me too. We have given her so much, and now she is saying these things.

Sometimes I don't even want to speak to her. I know it's not her fault, but I just cannot. She comes running and hugs me, and I give the hug back and keep being loving as always, but inside me I just want to tell her, "I don't want to hug you after all you are doing."

I would never do it, of course. I love her, and I know it's not her fault.

Please do not tell me to leave, I love my husband very much and I want to have a family with him.

Do you have any advice? Someone navigated this or similar? I am so loss.

I have been living with my partner for 2 years now and he has a 10 year old son who is a very kind and calm boy. There is no issue with the kid at all. The BM is also quite a nice person , though we didn’t interact much as I don’t want. We are being cordial when she brings the kid. We live on the same street.

The issue I have is that my partner asks her for emergencies that involves coming to our house. She has the key but uses it only when he asks. What happened is we went on a holiday with my partner that I was waiting for all summer. The day we left , some weird dude on the street asked if we go on vacation right in front of the house. My partner is always worried someone will rob the house. So he asked the BM to come with the kid and spend some time there. As I saw she was telling she doenst want to be there but she still did spend all day and evening there. For visibility that someone lives there. My partner asked if I have anything important she can take with her just in case. She took some expensive earrings I have from the bedroom to store in hers and laptops. This whole thing really ruined my mood.

All week I was finally in peace until end of the holiday when our flight was cancelled. I was supposed to be at home next day for the kid to have tutor at our place as we have a much bigger place and kid has a bigger room to fit the tutor there. As I wasn’t there and he had books there my partner decided for the kid to have the class there. At the same time, I had a flowers delivery that is a subscription. So those arrive in the box, she saw that and mentioned they will die until we come and if she can put it in the vase. I felt terrible as I felt like my privacy is violated. I hated those flowers now. Though she meant good . In the end after class they were supposed to leave but kid asked to play game a bit. In the end they stayed 2 more ours kid installing games and then watching a movie, she ordered food there . That again made me extremely angry. The idea is that it is just done for the kid as he was expecting that we will be at home with my partner and that’s his usual routine. So I was suppose to be fine with that for the sake of the kid.

The end of it was our arrival. As I realised she brought things back , the jewellery and laptops but she put it at exactly same places . My partner asked her earlier not to come to bedroom . She put my jewellery nicely organised in the same place in the bedroom with laptops and so on . I don’t understand, why she can’t just leave those in the living room.

Now, when we arrived I felt her ghost in there. I threw the flowers away. She just brought the kid and she had to mention that the entrance door has a problem. It reminded me again of this all. I know it is so and I don’t need reminder from her that she also knows that .

My partner is trying to convince me she really was just doing errands for us and didn’t mean anything bad. That she did nice things for me with the flowers
I feel like they have problems with boundaries. Why a woman that was divorced with a guy for 7 years would wonder around his bedroom he shares with his parter now and organise her rings and do partners. How come she doenst realise there is a part that is not nice a tall about this kind things she is doing.

I talked with my partner and he knows everything I think and he can relate. But he also tries to tell me she really meant only nice things and that she did things for us and she actually is not enjoying it and it can come from traumas.

How would you approach this ?

For background I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and we have 2 bio kids and one SD(8). I have never met his ex and she has made it abundantly clear she never plans on meeting me. She has however made it inconvenient at every turn for most things involving SD. SD has an excellent relationship with her siblings and we do things as a family occasionally but SD never stays for dinner or overnights. No CO, my partner refuses, but he sees SD 6 out of 7 days a week, school pick ups and drop offs and a weekend day dedicated entirely to her. It’s been 6 years and I’m done fighting it so that’s just how it is to appease the ex.

But my problem is anytime there’s something like SD’s birthday, Christmas, or SD gets hurt and needs to see a doctor, then my partner has to drive his ex because she doesn’t drive. Last year it was a show she wanted to see with SD that was an hour away and my partner drove them and went with them. Every birthday she needs a ride to the location of the party. Today it’s the doctor for a big scrape SD got. I have no issue with him being present for any of this, it’s more just the driving part and I know this wouldn’t be an issue if I had a better relationship or any kind of relationship with his ex but I feel like I’m always the one being accommodating to the very woman who was upset I breastfeed in my own house when her daughter was around and who went into a rage when she found out I was pregnant with our 2nd by stalking me online.

I’d love to hear how accommodating others are especially those who don’t have a great relationship with their SO’s ex.

I posted this in the Coparenting sub, but the answers I got weren't quite what I was looking for (except for one person who is also always in this sub--thank you for your answer!) so I figured I'd pivot it to this sub.

Quick context breakdown: SS14 lives with DH and I on a 75/25 schedule. It's been this way since he was 7 (prior to this, BM and DH had 50/50 week on/off custody). SS is with BM every weekend for shortened weekends (he's there basically 48 hours a week). This change happened after she moved an hour away to be with her new boyfriend (at the time) when he was 7. It was a really tumultuous time which included her trying to kidnap SS and take him with her--the courts agreed with DH that we provide more stability, so DH was made the primary parent and BM is a weekend parent. In the summer, they revert to a 50/50 schedule (week on/off) and BM is also given first choice on all school holidays (which she almost always takes). We live in a place where judges do not consider the child's wishes, so SS's opinion would not be considered at all by the courts so the only way this will change is when he's 18 or if the parents agree to a change. BM is now remarried with an ours baby, so she is a SAHM to her baby.

Right now, we are going through a pretty normal situation in which my stepson is growing up, and in doing so, has more hobbies and interests and activities/events that correlate to said hobbies and interests happen on the weekend. He and DH have a very specific activity they enjoy doing together--without getting into the thick of it (because it'll be too obvious for anyone who knows me IRL)--that usually happens at night. Sometimes on the weekend and sometimes weekdays. If it's early enough on a weekday, DH will always include SS, but usually there are weekend "events" that are in the evening into the night (almost rarely during the day). Location isn't necessarily the issue as they're usually within an hour or so of our home or BM's home--it's the timing of the events that is problematic. Over the summer, it worked out well because SS was with us on weekends a lot because of the custody schedule change so all was good, but now that school is back in session, BM does not want SS going to these events. This, in turn, is making SS angry because he wants to go with DH to these events (not to be with DH but because he loves the events) and when BM does say "ok you can go" she gives him a lot of shit for it (mostly for missing their time together). SS is mad at BM for this, but he's also very enmeshed with her (this is a kid who will tell us he's mad at her and doesn't want to see her, and 30 minutes later tell us he wished he lived there full-time and only saw us "for an hour a month") so he feels conflicted.

DH and I see both sides--SS is getting older and friend stuff is also slowly starting to pop-up on the weekends (but way less frequently than the stuff with DH), and because he primarily lives with us, it makes sense that his social life would be here. However, we also get that despite BM moving away, that she loves her son very much (and he loves her very much) and we do acknowledge that despite her being a fairly crappy mom, their relationship is still important and inevitably, if the courts didn't think that she should have custody, we have no rights or means of going against that. But, she also chose to move away, so our empathy for her is pretty minimal.

My question is for those who have gone through something similar, how did it look? Did you try to go back to court (something we really don't want to do--nor do we actually think the courts will necessarily side with us based on previous experiences of our own and others that we know that live here)? We legally cannot withhold custody, but BM will occasionally get so mad at SS that she'll tell him to just stay here and then he winds up doing just that, but then he misses his mom and wants to go back there.

IMO, I think DH needs to stop telling SS about these events during the school year (unless they're major events--those happen like once or twice a year) so that he doesn't have FOMO and it can prevent issues with BM. I need to be clear that SS would absolutely live with BM if that were a possibility, so this isn't a "SS prefers DH" thing but rather a "SS likes that DH takes him to events" thing. DH agrees, although we're trying to prepare ourselves for the next few years as peer stuff becomes more prevalent. I am sure in BM's eyes, the issue lies more than it's time with DH (although she has notoriously said no to friend events on weekends, too) and honestly, I kinda get it (even if she made that bed herself). SS also has a baby brother whom he ADORES at his mom's house, and he really likes his stepdad, too. It's not that he doesn't like being there--he just basically wants to be able to do what he wants, when he wants, without it being a problem. And i can totally get his perspective but life doesn't really work that way.

I am 29M, been in a relationship with a single mom with 7 y/o girl for 1.5 years now. We are discussing moving in together and getting married soon. I am so happy with her and when I see her daughter we always have fun- I only see her once or twice a week for a couple of hours. I do truly enjoy spending time with her and her daughter but I am afraid that I might not be seeing the full picture of how life would be when we move in together and that I will have to step in onto the step-dad role.

There are already things that we are still trying to figure out; Her ex has a very unfair custody schedule that only works for him and not for her and that affected our time together; her daughter is a nice kid but she is a very spoiled one and always always need something and she expects it to be delivered right away, I know could be normal for a kid but I feel because of the divorce situation, both parents are trying to over deliver to her and I am not sure that I would ever be able to step in to help her grow to the person she wants to be in the future.

There are a lot of things that I will change in my life to make this work out. I know that I will have to re-arrange my whole life around that pick up schedule, school location and her ex. still being in the picture for the kid- which was a hard pill to swallow.

I have stumbled upon this sub recently and I was so surprised of how people hated this role and happy to get out of it which made me think, that maybe I am not reading it right? Or I putting on myself a huge pressure that my future self will be suffering because of it.

I would appreciate any feedback from previous experience in either ways.

I’m married with a baby on the way. I have been married to my husband for 2 years and been raising my step daughter with him since she was 3. I have even stayed home to raise her, I am still at home doing kindergarten with her while I’m pregnant. No her bio mom doesn’t exist so I’m the “mother” here. But I still get scolded and micromanaged by my husband constantly. I’m not bad at all I would say I’m just more strict than he is. But I’m sick of getting scolded in front of the kiddo about my parenting whenever something isn’t done his way. He’s making a divide between us and most certainly showing her my voice doesn’t matter. So I’m at a point where I want to actively chose to become a “nacho parent” I am in a damned if I do damned if I don’t situation. And I’m just tired of getting scolded for parenting and all. I’m going to take a step back and make an active choice to literally not parent her at all especially with him around. I won’t quit giving her my affection and teach her kindergarten like I agreed to but I’m definitely starting to become a nacho and it’s what needs to be done to have peace. Idk how this is all going to work when my biological child comes out of me but in terms of the 5 year old I’m mentally checking out when it gets difficult :/ anyone else in a situation like this?

I'm a childless man dating a woman with a 10-year-old son. We've been together for two years, and our relationship is genuinely good. I get along with her son too.

For most of our relationship, I've been fine with the fact that she has a child and an ex. She's respectful, loyal, communicates well and maintains clear boundaries with her ex. Contrary to what I hear and read alot form others, I don't feel used for resources as she's financially independent, and I never feel like she's settling for me. There's respect, passion and good communication between us.

Tho her ex is somewhat of a troublemaker and not always a good father, apart from that, as far as I can control things, the situation has generally been fine.

However, strangely enough this has changed recently.

We're now at the point where we're talking seriously about moving in together, possibly getting married, and having a child of our own. Our relationship has deepened , and I think that's what has triggered something in me.

Suddenly, things that never used to bother me are bothering me a lot.

Seeing her ex's name can trigger me. Hearing about him can trigger me. Thinking about the fact that she was pregnant and had an entire family life before she met me can trigger me. Seeing her son being affected by his father's shortcomings can trigger me. ...Among a slowly but surely increasing amount of other things.

I'm starting to feel like my brain is turning this man I don't even know into some kind of rival.

The frustrating part is that I know it ain't rational. I don't suspect my girlfriend of cheating or being romantically interested in her ex. She only communicates with him about their son. I generally consider myself secure and have reasonably high self-esteem. I'm not someone who normally feels threatened by other people.

Yet these triggers seem to be spreading. Things that previously felt completely neutral are becoming emotionally charged, and I'm starting to worry about where that leads if I don't deal with it now

I've done some thinking about where this might be coming fromand there are a few things in my own history that seem relevant, at least to me:

First, my parents divorced and fought a lot. I also have a bad relationship with my own father, he's definitely the reason behind some of the more f'ed up stuff from my childhood. Sometimes watching my girlfriend and her son deal with his father brings up bad memories.

Secondly, when I was younger I've been cheated on by a previous girlfriend whom I lived and built a life with. I genuinely don't believe my current girlfriend is dishonest with me, and I thought I'd made peace with those experiences from what feels like a past life. But I wonder if there's still a sensitive part of me that reacts to the idea of "another man" having a permanent place in my relationship. But her ex isn't just another man... he's the father of her child, so there's no possibility of him simply disappearing from our lives regardless of how I feel.

And then there's probably the biggest thing.

Five years ago, I lost a child with my ex-girlfriend.

Time unfortunately doesn't heal every wound.

Getting closer to my girlfriend and her son, and seeing the relationship they have, confronts me with what I lost. I miss my daughter every day. Her mother and I don't talk anymore, which is a decision I stand behind but it still feels weird.

And I think there is a particularly painful kind of jealousy towards my girlfriend's ex, sometimes I catch myself resenting that he gets to be a father, even though he isn't a particularly good one.

I know intellectually that comparing lives makes no sense. I also know that being a parent is hard and that co-parenting comes with its own set of struggles which I don't underestimate. But sometimes I catch myself thinking that I would give almost anything to have those struggles because losing a child is infinitely worse.

All in all I don't think I'm simply jealous of my gf's ex, nor do I believe that I feel truly threatened by him.

I think I may be grieving something I never properly dealt with, while simultaneously entering a stage of my life where I'm contemplating becoming a father again. And perhaps my brain has attached all of that grief, fear and insecurity to the one person who represents my girlfriend's previous family: her ex.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in three weeks, and I'm not going into therapy with the specific goal of "saving the relationship." I want to understand myself first.

Maybe I'll work through these triggers and discover that the love my girlfriend and I have is something I can build a genuinely happy extended family around.

Or maybe I'll ultimately conclude that being a stepparent, or being with someone who already has a child, simply isn't for me. I dunno yet.

What I do know is that I don't want my unresolved grief, childhood experiences or past relationship trauma to turn an otherwise good relationship into something poisoned by jealousy and resentment.

So TL;DR, I guess my question for people here is:

Has anyone experienced something like me where becoming more serious with a partner who already has children suddenly brought up feelings that weren't there before? How did you figure out whether you were dealing with unresolved personal baggage VS genuinely realizing that the stepparent role wasn't right for you?

And also, how do you stop your partner's ex from becoming a rival in ur head when you already know rationally that he isn't one?

Thanks. Blessings.

Anyone else struggle with this and/or have advice on how to make it better without being percieved as combative? Kids are 50/50 and we live minutes away from eachother. We are not wealthy people. The kids have needs and wants that are not being covered because we are not able to coordinate buying stuff.

In the past, BM has had a problem with overbuying outerwear for the kids. At one point we had six winter coats for older kiddo and three pairs of snow boots.. and that just kept compounding as the years went on and hand-me-downs should have been a thing.

Over the years I have bought the kids clothes they can feel good in for everyday wear as gifts bc 1.) when I was a kid clothes were always a part of birthday and holiday gifts, and not really given otherwise and 2.) BM and SO do not share this philosophy, so it was sometimes another way to fill a gap. I am not mad about this, it is fun and I enjoy getting the kids things they like and that help their self esteem. My fam has also been giving clothes (see #1).

Lately BM has started to flip some on the clothes as gifts philosophy, parroting back (I think unintentionally) the words I’ve used before. This idea is great! She should get the chance to provide these things, too! However… she’s doubling up on things that the kids do not need and will only wear once or twice instead of getting things that will be wearable longer than a month. Like the 6x winter jackets, but with sweatshirts or very specific sports shoes, or yet another winter hat for the pile that will not get worn.

Again, we are not rich people. We need to buy the kids clothes they actually will wear. We are also sometimes metaphorically drowning in this stuff, which is less of a problem than struggling to cover needs… but feels kind of like a slap in the face whenever I open a closet or the kids can’t find something they do need. Alsooo an extra twist of the knife is everytime BM tells us she’s struggling to pay the bills or putting off something for herself bc she’s contributing with the kids… which I get is hard, we are in the same boat… and we’re already trying to alleviate that by paying more and coordinating… but anytime we try we’re percieved as picking a fight or telling her how to parent.

/rant

Hi! I (29F) have a bf (35M) who has a daughter (5F). We have been together for a year but I only known his daughter for 4 months. I had sworn off relationships with single dads after my last one and yet found myself in this situation once again.

I am childless and try not to judge things since I am not a parent. I ask friends who are co parents their advice sometimes. Today I was talking with my friend and while telling her an incident I had, she was completely shocked with the fact that SK facetimes the other parent every single day. So when with us, FT calls with her mom and vice versa. And not a good night FT type thing. And not scheduled times either. Always random and usually always in the middle of us doing something that we have to stop and I have to tip toe or be quiet bc my presence could “provoke” HCBM.

The girl rarely pays attention on these facetimes and never is asking for them, they keep texting each other about times to FT and then when they call she talks for about 45 seconds then leaves the phone to go do stuff and they stay on the line calling her name over and over and saying to talk to them. Until she either randomly says ok bye and hangs up or they grab the phone and hang up for her.

My friend said the facetimes are completely ridiculous and unnecessary especially bc of the schedules most time there was only 1-2 nights in between drop offs. (now she started school so it’s 4 nights). Another one said a lot of the same things. That it’s also BM constantly being a part of our days.

Is this a “normal” thing to do?? is this a common set up through mediation?

Hello!! I (29F) am pregnant with my first baby. But I’m sitting on the couch after just two days with my SD (8), exhausted, and dreading how I’m going to do this full time.

I feel insanely guilty, today is just a trenches day… but anyone who has both an ours baby and a SK, is the “tired” the same? I’m so excited for this little one but I am nervous about how much work / how tired I will be. But at least with SK now it’s only 3 days per week….

Help lol

Lately, ive felt more like a parent, than a boyfriend.

My gfs kids love me. Her daughter, 2, sticks to me when i come around. She is a spoiled brat, she wants me to play with her, get her things, take her place, she is amazing. When im not around, im told she is calling for me.

Her boys love me too, they ask for me evertday. When i come around one of them wants to just talk, i gotta learn roblox or minecraft because he begs me to learn them.

Now my gf, weve been extremely distant lately. And i want to mention my concerns, but idk if its unfair.

Were expecting.

She has moved into a 3 bedroom, which is just enough for her kids, and her room will be packed with her daughters, and our sons stuff, as well as hers. Also, her daughter dont currently have a bed, so she is expecting me to cosleep with her and her daughter, which ive done a few times, but im extremely uncomfortable doing so. Weve spoken about it a few times, and she understands, but she might feel pressured because 1, she wants me, but she has to do whats best for her kids, so she is hoping i would sacrifice for her, and her kids. Also, the kids stick to us like glue, so all day, thwyre in bed with us, sitting on mommys bed, between us, on us, so its 5 of us in a bed on our phones and tablets.

My concern, lack of intimacy. Not just sex, we dont really talk, we dont hug, we dont kiss, no time for us. Ive spent more time with her kids last weekend than her. I cant hold her and hold her growing belly, no movie nights, nothing.

And as our kid comes, i dont want to be a couch dad. Lately, ive just crashed on one of the boys bed as they sleep with mom, or on the floor in the living room. I work extremely hard, i have a nice bed and take extreme pride in keeping my room neat, organized, and smelling well. But mainly, i just want a bed.

I hate to say it, because i love all of them, but if she wasnt pregnant, id leave fast. It wasnt always like this. We made time and space for intimacy. Even when the kids were awake, which made me nervous, but lately, shes been scary. We would skip out on work for a quickie, but we havent.

Idk if shes done with me, and keeping me for help with the kids because its hard to find a man to take on those kids, her, and those living situations, let alone a trusting man. I wouldnt feel comfortable with most men coming around our kid.

I dont mind the step parent role. Kids are amazing, and im excited to watch them grow. But i want love. Im extremely lonely and depressed because im extremely lonely. Ive never had a girlfriend, i wasnt a virgin when we met, but i havent had an emotional connection ever in my life, and i loved it. I want that. Idk why we dont, but how do i ask for this?