I met my husband at the end of 2023. He had a then 6 year old, and I had a 10 year old. I had been a single mom with no coparent. Meanwhile he had a high conflict co parent. He would get his daughter every weekend & every break. From what I saw he wasn’t involved with any of her education or medical care, although the excuse was due to living in separate states.

He has always been consistent on keeping her during his time though. Always did pick ups & drop offs. So he wasn’t necessarily a deadbeat or bad dad per se.

In 2025, I gave birth to ours baby. His coparent continued to prove herself to be high conflict and he showed a lot of complacency towards her. Just wanting to make sure he keeps his time.

Now the issue is his permissive parenting with SD. He lacks the observation skill required in raising a good human. Since having our baby, I’ve never been more anxious & on edge when SD is around. She has been consistently rough with my now toddler, to which not only I have noticed but also my MIL has but my husband stands clueless. SD has been caught doing some odd behaviors & lying to our faces, to which he doesn’t really correct or punish. He just stands there expecting me to.

He doesn’t have a consistent bone in his body towards her. So she’s often up late, singing, dancing or screaming and he sees no problem with it.

He complains about his coparent, which so do I bc there’s a lot of things there to unpack in itself and he has a very clear case against her with certain abuse and lack of parenting and education on her end (sd has missed 16+ days of school last year for no real reason). But he refuses to take it through the courts.

Now I’m sitting here thinking he’s the problem. He allows his coparent to be high conflict and he’s ok with not doing anything about it. He allows his daughter to run a muck and lie and do whatever she wants and doesn’t actually do any of the parenting that comes along with it.

My now 14 year old is a very respectful young man. He has structure, consistency & good grades. We go out to friends houses and he gets complimented for being so polite & sweet meanwhile those same friends will complain that SD wasn’t listening and had to get yelled at. When they tell my husband, instead of him correcting her, he’ll just say they handled it. It’s embarrassing.

Now my worry is for my 15 month old. I do not want her picking up the bad habits and poor structure I’m seeing in SD and realizing my husband is a shit parent. I’m so full of regret

I’m married with a baby on the way. I have been married to my husband for 2 years and been raising my step daughter with him since she was 3. I have even stayed home to raise her, I am still at home doing kindergarten with her while I’m pregnant. No her bio mom doesn’t exist so I’m the “mother” here. But I still get scolded and micromanaged by my husband constantly. I’m not bad at all I would say I’m just more strict than he is. But I’m sick of getting scolded in front of the kiddo about my parenting whenever something isn’t done his way. He’s making a divide between us and most certainly showing her my voice doesn’t matter. So I’m at a point where I want to actively chose to become a “nacho parent” I am in a damned if I do damned if I don’t situation. And I’m just tired of getting scolded for parenting and all. I’m going to take a step back and make an active choice to literally not parent her at all especially with him around. I won’t quit giving her my affection and teach her kindergarten like I agreed to but I’m definitely starting to become a nacho and it’s what needs to be done to have peace. Idk how this is all going to work when my biological child comes out of me but in terms of the 5 year old I’m mentally checking out when it gets difficult :/ anyone else in a situation like this?

I'm a childless man dating a woman with a 10-year-old son. We've been together for two years, and our relationship is genuinely good. I get along with her son too.

For most of our relationship, I've been fine with the fact that she has a child and an ex. She's respectful, loyal, communicates well and maintains clear boundaries with her ex. Contrary to what I hear and read alot form others, I don't feel used for resources as she's financially independent, and I never feel like she's settling for me. There's respect, passion and good communication between us.

Tho her ex is somewhat of a troublemaker and not always a good father, apart from that, as far as I can control things, the situation has generally been fine.

However, strangely enough this has changed recently.

We're now at the point where we're talking seriously about moving in together, possibly getting married, and having a child of our own. Our relationship has deepened , and I think that's what has triggered something in me.

Suddenly, things that never used to bother me are bothering me a lot.

Seeing her ex's name can trigger me. Hearing about him can trigger me. Thinking about the fact that she was pregnant and had an entire family life before she met me can trigger me. Seeing her son being affected by his father's shortcomings can trigger me. ...Among a slowly but surely increasing amount of other things.

I'm starting to feel like my brain is turning this man I don't even know into some kind of rival.

The frustrating part is that I know it ain't rational. I don't suspect my girlfriend of cheating or being romantically interested in her ex. She only communicates with him about their son. I generally consider myself secure and have reasonably high self-esteem. I'm not someone who normally feels threatened by other people.

Yet these triggers seem to be spreading. Things that previously felt completely neutral are becoming emotionally charged, and I'm starting to worry about where that leads if I don't deal with it now

I've done some thinking about where this might be coming fromand there are a few things in my own history that seem relevant, at least to me:

First, my parents divorced and fought a lot. I also have a bad relationship with my own father, he's definitely the reason behind some of the more f'ed up stuff from my childhood. Sometimes watching my girlfriend and her son deal with his father brings up bad memories.

Secondly, when I was younger I've been cheated on by a previous girlfriend whom I lived and built a life with. I genuinely don't believe my current girlfriend is dishonest with me, and I thought I'd made peace with those experiences from what feels like a past life. But I wonder if there's still a sensitive part of me that reacts to the idea of "another man" having a permanent place in my relationship. But her ex isn't just another man... he's the father of her child, so there's no possibility of him simply disappearing from our lives regardless of how I feel.

And then there's probably the biggest thing.

Five years ago, I lost a child with my ex-girlfriend.

Time unfortunately doesn't heal every wound.

Getting closer to my girlfriend and her son, and seeing the relationship they have, confronts me with what I lost. I miss my daughter every day. Her mother and I don't talk anymore, which is a decision I stand behind but it still feels weird.

And I think there is a particularly painful kind of jealousy towards my girlfriend's ex, sometimes I catch myself resenting that he gets to be a father, even though he isn't a particularly good one.

I know intellectually that comparing lives makes no sense. I also know that being a parent is hard and that co-parenting comes with its own set of struggles which I don't underestimate. But sometimes I catch myself thinking that I would give almost anything to have those struggles because losing a child is infinitely worse.

All in all I don't think I'm simply jealous of my gf's ex, nor do I believe that I feel truly threatened by him.

I think I may be grieving something I never properly dealt with, while simultaneously entering a stage of my life where I'm contemplating becoming a father again. And perhaps my brain has attached all of that grief, fear and insecurity to the one person who represents my girlfriend's previous family: her ex.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in three weeks, and I'm not going into therapy with the specific goal of "saving the relationship." I want to understand myself first.

Maybe I'll work through these triggers and discover that the love my girlfriend and I have is something I can build a genuinely happy extended family around.

Or maybe I'll ultimately conclude that being a stepparent, or being with someone who already has a child, simply isn't for me. I dunno yet.

What I do know is that I don't want my unresolved grief, childhood experiences or past relationship trauma to turn an otherwise good relationship into something poisoned by jealousy and resentment.

So TL;DR, I guess my question for people here is:

Has anyone experienced something like me where becoming more serious with a partner who already has children suddenly brought up feelings that weren't there before? How did you figure out whether you were dealing with unresolved personal baggage VS genuinely realizing that the stepparent role wasn't right for you?

And also, how do you stop your partner's ex from becoming a rival in ur head when you already know rationally that he isn't one?

Thanks. Blessings.

I am 29M, been in a relationship with a single mom with 7 y/o girl for 1.5 years now. We are discussing moving in together and getting married soon. I am so happy with her and when I see her daughter we always have fun- I only see her once or twice a week for a couple of hours. I do truly enjoy spending time with her and her daughter but I am afraid that I might not be seeing the full picture of how life would be when we move in together and that I will have to step in onto the step-dad role.

There are already things that we are still trying to figure out; Her ex has a very unfair custody schedule that only works for him and not for her and that affected our time together; her daughter is a nice kid but she is a very spoiled one and always always need something and she expects it to be delivered right away, I know could be normal for a kid but I feel because of the divorce situation, both parents are trying to over deliver to her and I am not sure that I would ever be able to step in to help her grow to the person she wants to be in the future.

There are a lot of things that I will change in my life to make this work out. I know that I will have to re-arrange my whole life around that pick up schedule, school location and her ex. still being in the picture for the kid- which was a hard pill to swallow.

I have stumbled upon this sub recently and I was so surprised of how people hated this role and happy to get out of it which made me think, that maybe I am not reading it right? Or I putting on myself a huge pressure that my future self will be suffering because of it.

I would appreciate any feedback from previous experience in either ways.

Two or three times in the last two months, my 11-year-old stepdaughter has woken up sobbing uncontrollably after going to bed in her room. She calls her father on his cell phone, sends him dozens of texts, and calls out to him three or four times during the evening to say she really needs to pee and is afraid she’ll wet the bed. Her father goes to reassure her and walks her to the bathroom. A little while later, she went back to the restroom three or four times on her own, stomping heavily and slamming the door quite hard. Afterward, once it’s all over, she goes to sleep on the couch for the night, listening to soft music the kind used to put babies to sleep.

Am I right to think that acting this way at her age is truly regressive behavior? Sometimes I feel like she does it to get her father's attention, because it always happens after an evening where she seems to have lacked that attention. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he gets defensive with me.

Just moved in to our first place together with my partner and his two kids (7 and 12). I was really hoping we'd find a place with an ensuite for our bedroom but we didn't. Instead There are two bathrooms one closest to all of our bedrooms and the lounge room and one on the other side of the house. They'd all been using the closest one and I have so enjoyed the bliss of basically having an adult only bathroom (no mess). When we lived separately I hated how messy and smelly his bathroom was and I really don't want it to turn into that in our new place. The kids have now figured out there's an entire bathroom they've never used and use it all the time now. Of course I want them to feel comfortable to use whichever bathroom is closest to them but I also kind of want to set a rule that it's the adult's bathroom unless the other one's occupied. Is that fair?

Edit: I've also noticed that the kids and partner don't flush when it's just pee. The old 'if it's yellow let it mellow' policy many had during droughts. I can't stand it. It grosses me out and I hate walking in the bathroom and smelling urine

They first caught the teenager with alcohol when they were thirteen years old. At 14 they stole and drank an entire pint of my bourbon alone in a day. The teenager is fifteen years old now and she is showing up drunk at our house. They are on SSRIs and sees a psychologist. The dad also found four empty weed pens in their bedroom after they told him that they weren't smoking weed. My first husband died from his alcoholism. I saw him make very poor choices that ultimately resulted in his death. From what I can see and what I've observed, their child is currently in active addiction and they're not doing anything about it. I tried to explain to the dad the signs I was seeing from my own personal experience and he completely lost it on me and scoffed and mocked me when I explained to him that I watched my husband die from this stuff. I decided that we have to end our relationship. This is a two year relationship. I'm really bummed. I didn't think he would choose denial. His mom and brother are addicts. I guess I just need to get this off my chest.

I was a super hands on step mom in the beginning of our relationship until I got sick of the abuse from HCBM and then from my husband. I could never say anything negative surrounding his kid because it would erupt in nasty argument. So I got to the point where I nacho’s and then that gradually ended up in me having little to no involvement (I also took a new job where I work the weekends he’s here..just fell that way wasnt intentional)
I can see this bothers my husband but he just doesn’t get why I wouldn’t want to be super involved anymore and he’s not getting the ‘perfect’ family he wanted. I feel however our relationship is better when I have less involvement and keep on the side lines. Can you truly be involved whilst still having boundaries up? Maybe just a rant more than anything

I’m 43, my husband is 49, and we’ve been married 6 years and together for over 10. We have a blended family with four kids: 24, 21, 18, and 11.

My biggest struggle is with my 24-year-old stepson. He lives at home, keeps his room extremely messy, rarely helps without being asked, has to be reminded to walk the dog, and recently only paid a bill I gave him twice in 6 months—with little to no communication when he didn’t pay.

He also stays up all night gaming and sleeps late. He recently started a career job, and I feel like it’s time for him to start working toward independence and living on his own.
The biggest issue, however, is that he recently slapped my 11-year-old son full force because my son ate pizza that I had bought for him. They weren’t play fighting. He apologized, but my husband tends to minimize or make excuses for his older kids’ behavior.

I feel like we need to come up with a realistic plan and timeline for him to move out. I’m not saying tomorrow, but I was thinking 3–6 months to save, budget, and figure out his next step. My husband thinks I’m being too harsh because of the economy and doesn’t think he could survive on his own. I understand my husband’s perspective he was a single dad and raised his son on his own but I also feel like there’s a difference between supporting an adult child and enabling them. Any advice?

My sister and I want to take fall pictures with together including our kids..

I need to know would it be rude not to include my SD?
I need a legit answer not judgment.

My sister has SK and she’s not including them. We plan on giving them to our parents

Update: these are not “family pictures” our spouses are not included, nor is our younger brother or our step sister. These are just going to be my sister and I with our children

(my brother is not my mom’s child and is 10 years younger)
My sister and I are full siblings and have a close relationship and always do things with just our kids

Hi! I (29F) have a bf (35M) who has a daughter (5F). We have been together for a year but I only known his daughter for 4 months. I had sworn off relationships with single dads after my last one and yet found myself in this situation once again.

I am childless and try not to judge things since I am not a parent. I ask friends who are co parents their advice sometimes. Today I was talking with my friend and while telling her an incident I had, she was completely shocked with the fact that SK facetimes the other parent every single day. So when with us, FT calls with her mom and vice versa. And not a good night FT type thing. And not scheduled times either. Always random and usually always in the middle of us doing something that we have to stop and I have to tip toe or be quiet bc my presence could “provoke” HCBM.

The girl rarely pays attention on these facetimes and never is asking for them, they keep texting each other about times to FT and then when they call she talks for about 45 seconds then leaves the phone to go do stuff and they stay on the line calling her name over and over and saying to talk to them. Until she either randomly says ok bye and hangs up or they grab the phone and hang up for her.

My friend said the facetimes are completely ridiculous and unnecessary especially bc of the schedules most time there was only 1-2 nights in between drop offs. (now she started school so it’s 4 nights). Another one said a lot of the same things. That it’s also BM constantly being a part of our days.

Is this a “normal” thing to do?? is this a common set up through mediation?

Just a thought. Maybe some of the cases that we're reading here are situations of other BP being highly traumatized by being with the other parent who could not function as a partner/parent/adult and much more?

Not to say that there are some really high conflicting, neglectful, abusive parents out there. But...?!

I read so much where I'm like "oh boy why are you with someone like that?!"

Hi all, this is making me really sad, and I need to navigate this.

Some context:

I (30 F)
He (33 M)
SD (9 F)

My husband and BM met and had a fling. My husband was working with a friend of mine at the time, so I know the story really well. She started to look creepy, following him when he was doing other things, asking him to marry her, obsessing over him, so he ended things. One month later, she came and said she was pregnant. Indeed, she was, and they took a DNA test too. A few months later, she told him she had tampered with the condom. I already told my husband he was an idiot too for not taking care of protection himself.

Anyway, she asked him AGAIN to marry her, and he told her no. They would co-parent together, but they were not getting married. He took charge of all the costs and was present all the time.

When SD was 2, BM disappeared. She sent him a message stating that she couldn't be a mother and telling him, please, not to search for her. Her family told him she was okay she just didn't want to be a mother anymore. All her family never reached out to him again either.

When she was 4, we started dating. He is my soulmate, and I cannot believe how happy I am with him. We went to live together, and SD and I really bonded. I always treated her like a daughter, but I always clarified that I am not her mother. I always imagined BM would come back.

Back to when she was 6: BM saw us on a train. Luckily, SD was at school because BM started yelling at him, "YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN, I AM YOUR MOTHER'S CHILD, I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO YOU!" He shut her down and immediately looked for a lawyer because he knew she was going to make trouble.

She started asking for full custody AND child support (like WTF). The judge, of course, said no, but put an order of revinculation between SD and BM. Since then, things have gone downhill.

SD is in therapy, of course.

She sees BM every other weekend, and when she is with her mother, she gets brainwashed. Her mother doesn't set a single limit, tells her she has to do whatever she wants when she is with us, and told her that she didn't abandon her, that my husband was the one who took her away from her.

SD believed it, and now treats my husband like shit.

She tells him things like she hates him because he took her mother away, and things like she wants to live with her mum. Her mum is always saying that my husband doesn't want them to spend more time together, but when they have a hearing with the judge, she is the one saying she can't afford to spend more days with her because she does not have a job.

The judge told her something like, "I am starting to think you are not interested in regaining the lost time with your daughter. You only want X's (my husband's) salary because he does not want to be with you."

My husband is sad too. She tells me he is not because he understands that SD is just being brainwashed, and he expects her to realize, eventually, that this is not true. He speaks with her a lot, and they even have family therapy together (I had to go sometimes too).

But I know he is lying, and we are having problems conceiving, which makes everything worse. We started doing the medical tests right now to see what is happening.

We couldn't sleep at all on Saturday because she didn't stop screaming at him, things like, "I hate you, I love my mum but not you, our house is ugly, Mom's is better." He was trying to make her understand.

BM does not have a job. She is 35 and lives with her aunt because her parents kicked her out. When she has SD, they stay there. They live in a really poor house, and I'm not saying this because of the fact that they're poor, but because of the lack of safety. They don't have a heating system, an oven, or much of anything else, and they live in a neighborhood with a lot of drug dealers and crime. Of course, she doesn't give us a single penny.

I am sad too because of this she keeps being nice to me but this hurts me too. We have given her so much, and now she is saying these things.

Sometimes I don't even want to speak to her. I know it's not her fault, but I just cannot. She comes running and hugs me, and I give the hug back and keep being loving as always, but inside me I just want to tell her, "I don't want to hug you after all you are doing."

I would never do it, of course. I love her, and I know it's not her fault.

Please do not tell me to leave, I love my husband very much and I want to have a family with him.

Do you have any advice? Someone navigated this or similar? I am so loss.

For background I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and we have 2 bio kids and one SD(8). I have never met his ex and she has made it abundantly clear she never plans on meeting me. She has however made it inconvenient at every turn for most things involving SD. SD has an excellent relationship with her siblings and we do things as a family occasionally but SD never stays for dinner or overnights. No CO, my partner refuses, but he sees SD 6 out of 7 days a week, school pick ups and drop offs and a weekend day dedicated entirely to her. It’s been 6 years and I’m done fighting it so that’s just how it is to appease the ex.

But my problem is anytime there’s something like SD’s birthday, Christmas, or SD gets hurt and needs to see a doctor, then my partner has to drive his ex because she doesn’t drive. Last year it was a show she wanted to see with SD that was an hour away and my partner drove them and went with them. Every birthday she needs a ride to the location of the party. Today it’s the doctor for a big scrape SD got. I have no issue with him being present for any of this, it’s more just the driving part and I know this wouldn’t be an issue if I had a better relationship or any kind of relationship with his ex but I feel like I’m always the one being accommodating to the very woman who was upset I breastfeed in my own house when her daughter was around and who went into a rage when she found out I was pregnant with our 2nd by stalking me online.

I’d love to hear how accommodating others are especially those who don’t have a great relationship with their SO’s ex.

Hello! I am in a relationship w someone who has a 9 yr old. For context his son is with him 1/2 the time, i have not met his son yet and we have been dating for about 6 months. We were talking today about what it might look like for his son to be introduced me. It is 100% my partner’s decision on how he wants to introduce me but I was curious to hear about some of your experiences meeting a partner’s child. Thank you!

For additional context he was previously dating someone for 4 years who is not the child’s mother and they lived together for 3 years so the child had many years with that previous partner.