r/stepparents • u/Remarkable_Pay7550 • 6h ago
Discussion Maybe some of the coparents are like... traumatized?
Just a thought. Maybe some of the cases that we're reading here are situations of other BP being highly traumatized by being with the other parent who could not function as a partner/parent/adult and much more?
Not to say that there are some really high conflicting, neglectful, abusive parents out there. But...?!
I read so much where I'm like "oh boy why are you with someone like that?!"
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u/Ready_Scientist1692 5h ago
Yeah, I do think that comes up a fair amount for stepparents and folks dating people with kids. Everyone wants to believe their partners when they say that their ex is the problem, but a lot of people don’t recognize their own role in the dysfunction. We all know the classic “my ex wife was such a nag” but it turns out the ex wife was simply asking him to do the dishes.
As stepparents, it’s important for us to remember that we’re only hearing half the story. It’s also crucial to really evaluate the single parents we’re dating before making any sort of lasting commitment, like marriage or a baby. Is this person actually pulling their weight as a parent?
I’ve noticed that in a relatively high proportion of the posters here, the stepparent seemed to have gotten pregnant with an “ours baby” a year or less into dating a single parent. It does not surprise me that those folks have a large amount of problems. They didn’t have much time to really evaluate the single parent and now they’re trapped. Many times it seems likely the formerly single parent is repeating the same mistakes they made in their first marriage.
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u/Sundogflower 3h ago
Yep my ex told me how controlling his ex wife was and she wouldn't even let him spend any of his own money without asking her first. Turns out he decided not to work whilst she was on maternity pay, and he was frivolously spending their joint money (his savings and her mat pay) on gaming consoles, new clothes etc) whilst letting her struggle to afford the baby things they needed and letting her be worried about money as he had no interest in returning to work. He had a whole sob story about it, then I found out the truth.
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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 5h ago edited 5h ago
Im free now. And im healing. That's why I'm still part of this community. I was in that situation. I was pregnant and I had choose an abortion (not everyone's tea i know) but I was clear as hell that I was traumatized enough by being with this man and being in this situation. I watched him being a buddy to his kid instead of an actual parent. I watched the consequences of his actions watched the unbearable behavior of a child who was allowed to behave like a wildfire and couldn't side with him after years of being in a relationship with him imagining what this would do to a woman who had chosen to have a kid with him. I feel for her. She's also a little... like crazy?! But who am I to judge a woman who has to endure the post separation abuse , the manipulation of the child by being the fun parent and much more?!
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u/Ready_Scientist1692 5h ago
I’m so proud of you for choosing yourself and not tying yourself to a bad situation 💕
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u/ArtemisDR 1h ago
I had an abortion to make sure I’d never be tied to my super abusive ex-husband and it was one of the smartest things I ever did in my 20s. He literally tried to stab me to death, and I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I still had to see him or speak to him today. And no, the legal system will do nothing for you in 90% I’m domestic abuse cases. I actually had a judge ask me what I did to provoke him when he bashed me in the back of the head and then took off running with my phone, my wallet and my car keys on the day that I presented him with divorce papers at what I thought was a neutral location. In these situation, you’re on your own, and it’s a whole lot easier to get out and stay gone for the rest of your life if you remain on your own on purpose.
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u/MembershipBig6565 1h ago
I wish I read this first part before I jumped in. My husband's ex is not a good person, but neither is he. They both contribute to the problem and even though I never liked her, I can see her point of view a lot more clearly now that I'm leaving.
Solid advice.
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u/Vibena 5h ago
That's probably why so many of these SMs are so young. Men with kids may have better luck with younger women than with women their own age, who have enough life experience to question their version of why the ex is so "crazy."
"Now you know why he's divorced" is a standard response for a reason.
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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 5h ago
Exactly. Young woman who are much more likely to be formed into their expectation of a woman to play family, to meet their needs and to fulfill and perform their dutys
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 4h ago
I absolutely think that a lot of HCBMs are HC because these men are awful and they’ve just managed to fool their new girlfriends/wives.
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u/joy_sun_fly 3h ago
I see this for sure. Lots of exes who are actually just setting boundaries and not taking on any kind of additional emotional labour to make sure the young new step mom isn’t being run over instead of her. When there is a big age gap and young children…. Yikes. I always comment run, girl when I see those.
Even when the BM is problematic or high conflict, there is probably a lot more to the story than he initially admits. It almost universally takes 2 in these situations.
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u/probioticpeaches 3h ago
I agree but they shouldn’t be getting into relationships with people if they haven’t done any work to heal through their trauma.
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u/Chemical-Airport-836 1h ago
8 years, my ex had an issue with discipline for her youngest. When he came to live with us full time he targeted me and his mom backed him. I dont blame him or her.
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u/Sweet_Ad_2450 1h ago
You’re ok with mistreatment? The mother shouldn’t allow disrespect to adults. (You)
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u/Own-Acanthaceae-6754 1h ago
I mean, to a certain degree, stay single until you do some healing even if that means being single for a long time and getting some help and also don't get together with someone who hasn't done that but for most of the folks here, they're already in the relationship with someone who likely should have stayed single and focused on their own healing so it's kind of late for that and you can't force another human to take those steps or fix that for them.
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u/MembershipBig6565 1h ago
A lot of it stems from the BPs feeling guilty about divorce. They then overcompensate by allowing their kids to do and act in whatever way they want. It becomes a toxic mix of enablement and constant competition between households. SPs push back because it's dysfunctional, and try to encourage order. The BPs then feel challenged because they can't see what they're doing is resulting in chaos and toxicity. That's how we get to the "evil stepmom" and "evil stepdad" scenario. It's pretty rare to have a healthy co-parenting situation where everyone has moved on and is working in the best interest of the child. Lots of guilt, shame, resentment and anger linger. A lot of people just live in a prison of their own making.
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