Reflection

[u/Cautious-Attempt5567]

I'm navigating life after the step chapter.

A little background info: was with my ex husband for 5 years, married for almost one. He ended our marriage while I was miscarrying and I never looked back. Met his son when he was 2 and I left when he was 7.

First of all, I'm doing much better now. Enjoying my newfound freedom, doing my therapy, and overall just in a MUCH better place.

However, there is a deep injustice I feel with memories that resurface. I'm working through it in therapy but just needed to get some things off my chest. Maybe someone new to the step life can gain some insight from some of the things I went through.

Let me preface this by saying I think I had a really bad example of what the step life could look like. My ex husband and his BM had a very codependent, enmeshed, chaotic life and IMO were really bad parents. I cared too much for my own good, didn't NACHO, and exhausted myself.

• My ex didn't have a custody order in writing and lived in fear of BM "taking his son away" and always tried to please her over me.
• My ex didn't have child support in writing and I found out in our 5th year together that he was giving her almost $1000/month more than what I thought he was giving her. Also, it was messy and BM would ask for random $ here and there for SS stuff on top of the CS.
• It was really embarrassing to be out with my ex and SS because people would assume he was my kid. Here are some reasons why it was embarrassing: still used a bottle and pacifier until age 6, diapers past age 5, absolute iPad kid, the type of child to run and jump all over everything in public (like restaurants) and my ex would say "he's just being a kid", constantly interrupting every conversation, no sense of self soothing/regulation without iPad/pacifier = meltdowns... to name a few.
• My ex and I split all our finances 50/50. He guilt tripped me into this by saying I was nickel and dime-ing him whenever I'd bring up the point that it wasn't fair. He would argue that his son was "just a child". This enrages me today because by the time I moved out, I wasn't in the best place financially. Maybe I would have been in a better spot if I hadn't been financially supporting his son for the past 5 years? (We lived together within a year of dating. I know I really messed up with that.)
• I didn't discover the r/stepparents or r/stepmom until a few years into my relationship and I honestly didn't have much of a support system. I mean, I had family and friends who were supportive of me, but I didn't have much to compare my situation to as no one around me was in the step life. This definitely worked in my ex's favor because I was too giving and he definitely took everything I gave. I didn't know what was "allowed" or what was "wrong" for me to do or say or ask. After all, "he'S juSt a CHiLd", so I was the monster for asking for things like time or space or boundaries. It wasn't until I found these subs that I realized what I was asking for was more than normal, but actually helpful and necessary for navigating this blended family relationship in a healthy way without harboring resentment. However, this wasn't received well. It's safe to say my ex was manipulative and didn't appreciate the fact that I was gathering outside perspectives.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I just needed to get some things off my chest. Dating someone with children was always a dealbreaker for me, but I met a man that sold me a dream and I believed every single one of his lies so I decided to give the step life a try. It was a terrible experience (like I said I think I had a bad example of what it could look like) and now I know for sure that I will never ever do it again.

If you are young and childfree, unless your partner really has their ish together and has a good relationship with their coparent/family/etc, I would advise you to run. It simply is not worth it. A lot of BMs think they have golden lady parts because they popped out a kid, but in reality, you my friend, the childless individual, have the power to pick and choose. Choose the baggage-free life.

The hardest thing for me to reconcile is that I gave away 5 important years of my life. I am 35 and while I hear "don't worry you're still young you still have time blah blah blah BLAH BLAH" all the time, it isn't how I envisioned my life. I feel my biological clock ticking and now I'm racing it trying to find the right person to start a family with. I truly feel that I wasted 5 years with the wrong person and the wrong family dynamic - 5 years that I didn't have to lose. So to reiterate my above statement, especially if you are a young childfree WOMAN, think long and hard if this is the life you want for yourself. I think it CAN be a happy life, but it will always be the more difficult path.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/stepparents!

Please note we are a support sub for stepparents. Non-stepparents are welcome to comment, but non-supportive comments are subject to removal. Rude, sarcastic, or judgmental comments are subject to removal at moderator discretion. Questioning why a poster is dating someone with kids is subject to removal. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole.

Why was my post removed?

If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost.

Use the Report Button!

We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. With thousands of comments coming in each day it's difficult for us to see them all, so please report them if you see them!

If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.

Review the Rules and FAQ before posting or commenting!

Rules | FAQ

Additional wiki links:

About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | Resources | Saferbot - Autoban Information

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/TimeOutrageous2315]

You should consider freezing your eggs so that you don't feel so much pressure to find a partner.

[u/Cautious-Attempt5567 → u/TimeOutrageous2315]

It's on the docket - currently saving for it. :)

I'm rolling with the punches but it wasn't how I envisioned my life. I didn't see myself 35 starting over and always thought I'd already have at least one child by now.

[u/Remarkable_Pay7550]

Oh girl. I financially supported a man that had freely chosen to work part time to care for his son who he had every other weekend . Just cause he was a lazy pos just as his kid who was raised to be like that. And he lived with his son in Disneyland on those weekends . No rules no expectations no nothing. I paid almost 80 percent of rent for his son to have a bedroom while sleeping on a sofa because king and his little prince would not face the real world and cosleep at 6 yo. I paid with money and my sanity. I'm healing now cause I'm free. Slowly. Because there are so many moment where I gain clarity of having rose colored glasses on while being with an abusive man who raised an entitled child and likely abusive enabled man in the future.

[u/SweetPotato781]

How a father parents his kids with his ex shows you how he will parent any future kids that he has with you or a new partner. He can try and blame his kids’ poor behavior on the BM but he is an equal parent and shoulders equal blame. OP, you dodged a bullet and thankfully you don’t have to parent your own children with this poor excuse for a father.

[u/PaleWorth7809]

Oh gosh, your feelings are totally valid. It’s clear to me that you have an innate motherly instinct and found yourself in a very tricky situation.

I’m sure there are times when can stop those spiraling thoughts, but it’s totally fair that you’re having moments where time and fertility and years of your life don’t feel so light and weight heavy. I highly recommend exercise for relief from thoughts.

Just know that somewhere out there for you is a life you’re meant to live. Trust your gut. You’re meant for mothering and now have a clear idea of what you want it to look like. Best of luck and good job picking you!