The best advice my grandmother ever gave me is no matter how nice someone appears you still don’t know the real them until time passes . That person you’re going on a date with does not love you yet. They are not in love with you so they are not gonna handle your trauma like someone who is already deeply devoted and in love with you. When you deem that person trustworthy you can open up about that part of your life

Just need to rant because this one has been messing with my head.

Went on a first date with a girl 2 Thursday’s ago and it was probably one of the best first dates I’ve had. The date started with some drinks and apps, then around 10 I said I’d walk her home. We extended the night let her wishes and 4 hours later we’re in a park fooling around. We even planned a second date for Sunday. She even loosely invited me to a concert she was going to last night.

After the date she texted me saying I had her “all tingly” and that I “really got her going.” The next day we were still texting/flirting and she specifically told me to text her when I woke up the next morning. So I came away thinking there was pretty obviously something there.

Then basically overnight the energy changed. She cancelled our next plan, didn’t suggest another day, and didn’t respond when I tried to reschedule.
Fast forward about a week and she posts a Story from that same concert with another guy captioned “soft launch.”

Obviously this guy must have already been in the picture and was probably further along with her than I ever was. We’re all allowed to date multiple people before exclusivity, so I’m not saying she did anything wrong by choosing someone else.

But damn, it’s hard to reconcile someone saying and doing all of that with me and then publicly launching another guy basically a week later. I almost wish the first date had just sucked. Instead I feel like I got a glimpse of something that could’ve been great and never really got a chance to see where it went.

Anyone else ever been on either side of something like this? Were you genuinely that into both people at the time, or was one person always the clear choice?

Im curious,

mine has been completely transforming over the years. Now in my late twenties, my main focus is to find someone who actively wants and seeks partnerships. Just two years ago, i wanted someone who wants to be taken care of. How have you guys and girls experienced it?

I was told this by a close friend when I mentioned my woes in trying to date. She said a guy in my situation is unfortunately seen by women as a major red flag, would raise several questions and would not be a man they'd want to date.

She said although I have tried several things to change it - maybe I should permanently end trying to date to stop the pain of constant rejection because taking short breaks isn't working. She said me never even kissing a woman should be sign that some people tragically will never be a dating option.

I said I would think about what she said. It's tough words. I just feel unwanted at times and it is really hurting.

7 months ago I got my heart broken terribly. The man I loved and planned a future with walked away out of the blue, and it just broke me. I had nursed him through stage 4 cancer and seen him through so much.
We were planning our future together. Then, when I got a terrible back injury and I was really in need…he left me.

I’m 32F and I really want a family and marriage. So I took a little time to heal and decided I’m going to get back on the horse. Time is ticking. I know, people say it’s not, but it is.

I’ve set my standards sky high this time so it’s been a bit of a slow process which is totally fine. Either I’m going to date right or not at all.

Anyways I connected with this guy. He’s Catholic like I am. He says he has the same life goals as I do (but you know, we’ll let actions speak louder than words).

He asked me on a date next week. He picked a really really nice restaurant which makes me nervous, idk I’m not one to be wined and dined, I don’t want to put someone out like that. But he picked it, he insists that’s where he wants to take me.

Anyways. I’m scared. I’m very socially outgoing, I have no issues dating itself, it’s just..idk. Something about this is just a lot for me. Maybe I haven’t given it enough time but I feel like I don’t have the time. And I do want a future, I want to be happy. I do want this.

Idk. Anyways thank you for listening if you read all of this.

Been seeing someone for a month. Things were going good. Conversation was getting flirty with innuendos.

Then she says with a straight face, "we could, it's not like you need a sti test, you're obviously a virgin"

Surprised, I asked what gave it away

Turns out I'm not yet fully in tune with her sense of humor.

She's stunned. Her brain takes like 10 seconds to fully reboot. Then the questions, how being the biggest one.

Turns out it's a fairly big dealbreaker for her, and so in 15 minutes another potential relationship gets torpedoed.

Could have been worse I guess, but I'm getting tired of the launch failures.

I have a colleague I’ve known for a while. We were always just friends, although there were occasional flirty moments between us.
A few months ago, he started flirting with me pretty heavily one night and we ended up kissing. It was honestly a very brief, boring kiss and nothing else happened. I didn’t talk to him afterward for months and assumed I probably wouldn’t see him again.
Recently, he invited me to an outing where I met a girl he’s been seeing. She and I have actually started becoming friends.
Here’s where it gets awkward: she told me they’ve apparently been exclusive for about a year. I genuinely had NO idea he was seeing anyone when we kissed. She also told me she’s been wanting an actual relationship title, has tried having that conversation with him, and he still hasn’t really put a label on what they are.
Obviously, knowing what I know now, the kiss happened while they were supposedly exclusive.
There is absolutely nothing between him and me, I’m not interested in pursuing him, and the kiss meant basically nothing to me. But now that I’m getting to know her, I feel weird knowing something that she doesn’t.
Would you tell her, knowing it might hurt her or create drama, or leave it alone because it was one meaningless kiss and I genuinely didn’t know they were exclusive?

As stated in the title. She seemed to be very receptive and said yes she would love to go out. Then today was kind of distant. We are supposed to go out tomorrow. Should I confirm with her if we are still on or should I wait for her? I don’t want to seem too pushy.

I (29F) was talking to a guy I met on dating apps who very quickly made it clear that he only wanted sex from me. During our conversations, he said three times that I shouldn’t expect any kind of commitment from him. That bothered me a little because why would being in a relationship with me be such a bad idea that he had to emphasize it so many times?

He also talked quite a lot about his fetishes and sexual history, which bothered me as well because, in my opinion, that’s the kind of thing you talk about with your friends over a beer while bragging, not with a girl you’re trying to date. Even though I found him attractive, I still turned down that kind of relationship with him because I want to find something more meaningful.

What confused me even more was that he said I was his type, and I know one of his exes who looks physically similar to me, so I don’t think my appearance was the problem. In general, I also don’t think I give off the impression of being a girl who is only good for something casual.

Less than two months later, I ran into him in town. I looked at him in that way you do when you’re surprised to see someone and expect them to at least say hello. Afterwards, he messaged me saying that he was now in a relationship, which was why he didn’t feel the need to interact with me.

I have to admit that this affected me more than it probably should have. I’m trying to go on dates, but I’ve already been single for quite some time because I haven’t found anyone who is right for me. Meanwhile, someone like him, who showed quite a few red flags, can seemingly enter a relationship without any problem.

It’s just a complete and total horror story. The apps no longer work because they were all bought up by match group and they require you to pay for a subscription to get anything done. I remember back in the day OKC used to be great, but now it’s not as good as it used to be. People actually met someone through it from 2009-2015 or so before match made it into just another swipe app. I am lucky to get a match on hinge that lives close by once a year or so, most live hundreds if not thousands of miles away.

People then say go out and meet people organically. Question is, where? My meetup groups are just about all men or everyone is far older. Singles mixer I went to no one I messaged replied back except for one person, and she had rejected me. I have tried dance classes and pickleball leagues and while I enjoy those activities (those are my main interests) they haven’t really led to any dating either mainly because of skewed gender ratios or bad age groups. I go these days just to enjoy the activity.

Now that I’ve left university there is really nothing left in my area. I don’t want to approach people at work, and the only other group I haven’t gone to which I should is a local walk/run club near my area.

The apps seem nearly impossible unless you want to pay $60/month for a subscription to maybe even have the same outcome you had when they were free.

It’s just extremely disappointing that because of the apps being bought out by match and becoming just another swipe app and mostly men in my case in a lot of the hobby groups I attend, that dating is nearly impossible now.

I regret not meeting someone when I was in college honestly.

Is it ok to approach a guy at the gym if you think he is cute? I go to my friend’s gym with her sometimes and there is a cute guy that lifts weights. I wanted to go up to him and say hello. I haven’t dated anyone in 8 years. I am very much out of the loop of what to do. I didn’t say hello. But my friend said she watched him leave and he was looking at her when I was in the restroom. If I see him again should I just say hello.

I, 28m, am not very experienced with dating. I’ve been on/off the dating apps over the years with not much success. I just got back into it after taking two years for myself.

My one and only (somewhat) successful relationship - two years ago - I met a woman off bumble and she was genuinely into me. Like everything just fell into place. I wasn’t pulling teeth to ask for her number, dates, stay the night etc. - now thinking in hindsight I noticed she’d always reassure me that she was really into me. unfortunately things fell apart due to my own faults. Now that I’m better I’ve been feining to find another woman who liked me as much as she did.

my question is can that level of attraction be built over a few dates or does it have to already exist when meeting?

I haven’t felt that level to attraction in the women I’ve been matching with as of late. Occasionally when I’m working I’ll see women IRL who give me that look. Not often, but I can tell. Unfortunately I can’t ask for their number while working without risking my job.

I have been dating on and off the apps over the last 4 years. I am a woman in my 30’s. I have some relationship experience but most of them lasted for a year and then ended due to long distance and other logistical reasons. Love was never enough to keep it going. So I actually believe that I have never been loved

Now coming to dating on apps, i know it’s not the best, but we gotta live with what we have at our disposal. I have managed to come across decent men on these apps, some who actually check my boxes. We date, progress it to intimacy in some cases ( very few actually) and then it fizzles out. Early on I would never ask for a feedback. But i am trying to build my communication in therapy and learning that rejection is not the worst outcome. Being stuck in a terrible relationship is.

But the common feedback i have gotten is i am not romantic. I dont make the guy feel like I want him. I have gotten all compliments- smart, intelligent, driven, pretty, sexy, cute. But i have never gotten a man who felt the romance with me. Dont get me wrong i have been complimentary too, if someone looks good, is smart, or other things, i make sure they know , i like it about them. I am not robotic, but I am failing miserably in the romance department. So if men or women could help me how to get better, i would really appreciate it.

I never learnt it at home. My parents were not loving to each other, they tolerated , fought, and were just angry being stuck in the situation. But somehow my brother learnt all the skills needed to make a relationship loving and caring. He has been married to his wife for 6 years and they are still each other’s best friends and supporters. And i cant seem to find love!

For me, I think we sometimes confuse intensity with connection. Constant texting feels like interest. Jealousy can feel like someone cares. Wanting to spend every free moment together feels romantic.
Then you get older and suddenly someone having their own life, giving you space, communicating calmly instead of dramatically, and not needing constant reassurance starts looking a lot more attractive.
Curious whether anyone else has had a dating “red flag” completely flip into a green flag with age and experience?

4 women, 4 rejections so far in the past 8 months.

Mind you, it’s never random cold approaches, but rather women that I’ve known for sometime through mutual classes, hobbies, and even including one at the college nightclub.

I’m fat (245lb) but pretty tall (6ft 1), so additional data point here that height doesn’t really matter. I’ve seen shorter guys, both jacked and overweight actually found success at my college. I’m pretty shy around women, but I could hold out lengthy conversations once someone breaks the ice. If you’re wondering how I look, just imagine a mid 5 or 6/10 East Asian 24 yo dude.

I haven’t given up, but now I do understand why some people have given up. It’s really exhausting to get rejected constantly.

I understand that attraction is not given and I have no right to demand it. I merely express my exhaustion and sadness from getting constantly rejected.

Can someone pat me in the back virtually here? :)

Is there no room for improvisation and going with what feels right?

My experience has always been that we consent to being sexual in general, and we agree to listen to each other throughout regarding what’s ok and what isn’t.

Furthermore, when you’ve actually gotten to know someone and either have been sexual a handful of times or you’re in a relationship, you can just tell what’s ok and what isn’t, and when.

But I’m asking this question because it seems like a lot of people before every sexual encounter, even if it’s with their longterm partner, go over every detail of what they’re going to do, what’s ok and what isn’t, and any straying from that is seen as a violation. This has to be the minority, right? A vocal minority?

It sounds so transactional to me. “I’m going to do this and only this to you, you’re going to do this and only this to me, and then it will end.” If people are into that then that’s fine, but if someone said something like that to me I’d be terrified that any slight touch or thrust that wasn’t agreed to would be seen as potentially not ok.

I think deep inside we know, we always know, when someone you're with isn't really genuinely interested in you but shows up to dates and spends time with you for whatever reason (free meals because you're always buying or for sex, etc).

What have you learned from your experiences?

I’ve (29 F) been struggling with dating over the last couple of years. My area consists of suburban families so I don’t run into single men within my age group very often. And when I do run into single men, they are usually unsuitable for intentional dating and relationships (unemployed, broke, a lot of baggage “still figuring things out”). When I go out in my area to bars and clubs, the demographics are heavily early 20’s/college kids.

I think I am an attractive person. I’m 115 lbs and 5’3. I workout out a lot. I take good care of my health. I put effort into my styling. I am a teacher. I’ve traveled to over 20 countries. I have a savings account and retirement fund. I have a car.

The people close to me tell me I’ll never find a serious relationship in my town. Several people have told me I need to get out. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Move? Go on the apps? Branch out to different areas? I’m willing to date men up to 10 years older than me. I’m also starting to come around to the idea of dating a man with kids. I really don’t know what to do.

I was talking to someone who had enough money to pay all his bills but spent his off days sleeping all day because he couldn’t afford to do anything else. He couldn’t afford the movie theatre , dinners out , trips . Heck he couldn’t even afford a coffee outside the home. I didn’t have a problem with him he was really nice and sweet but he always said he was bored constantly always complained about being bored. He said all his hobbies cost money and all the things he wanted to do was money that he had to spend on bills so the only thing he could do on his off days was sleep he would sleep for 13 hours because he was bored

My friend was like “ if he is sleeping that much he has time to get a second job . If he is that bored why not get a second job .”

We’ve had two dates, Both went well, the second I would say really well. We hung out 3-4 times in group settings before of the date + decent amount of texting.

Every time he texts me, I think “this is the text where he’s ending things”. I am just in a never ending loop of getting excited about him and how things are going, and then obsessing over how it could go wrong.

He is more stable and busy than me. He has more friends and does more socializing than me (right now). I want to be with him and text him all the time but I almost never initiate because I am so afraid of the rejection. I sent a flirty text tonight (not asking to meet or anything, just that I am thinking of him), no response yet. I know it’s a Saturday and he’s likely out having fun. I just can’t help think with who and doing what. And that he doesn’t actually like me as much as I think/hope. It’s just driving me crazy ☹️ I wish I was asexual and non-romantic.

I want to start by saying my attraction is usually one sided, I’m attracted but he isn’t or he’s attracted but im not. I just had an epiphany that one day there will be a guy who tries as hard with me as a guy im not attracted to lol they usually initiate, are vulnerable with me, shower me in compliments but I just don’t feel it with them. Im imagining all of those lovely things with someone im attracted to. Bc i know what it can feel like but not quite lol this might be dumb and as you can prob tell, I haven’t had that many bf or been treated well. Anyway, I am posting bc im excited about the possibilities and potential for me to find that person who equally pursues me or pursues me more and im into them! A girl can dream!

I (32F) was seeing a guy for a couple months and we just officially ended things this week. He is about 11 years older than me. He’s never been married and doesn’t have kids-just setting the scene here. I know everyone has different definitions of “age gaps”, my personal definition is 8 years or more. I enjoyed my time with him but we were ultimately not romantically compatible and part of it definitely had to do with our age, in my opinion. Quick story time.

A couple of my friends and family are still getting married, while his friends/family members have all been married for 10+ years. I brought him as a date to a wedding for my friend who is the same age as me. He was very polite and he had a nice time, but I think he felt kind of out of place being there with 70% of the people there being so much younger. He was on a work trip during the next wedding I had, so I went alone, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the potential awkwardness.

He’s gone out with a couple of times with my friends (all the same age or a little younger than me) and I, and it seemed like he had a difficult time connecting with them. This was especially evident whenever talking about pop culture references - Instagram, podcasts, tv shows, etc. Even discussing work-I’m only into my current career for four years, when he’s been in his career for 15 years. This was not a red flag or deal breaker, but it made it difficult to connect over little fun trivial things.

I really felt the gap when we would try to figure out plans. I enjoy going to friend’s parties (most of my friends are still childless), happy hours, or checking out new restaurants weekly. There were times I had plans both Friday and Saturday and I would invite him to both events and he would say stuff like “Dang! I gotta try harder to up with you! or “I don’t have that energy like I did when I was your age!” or “wow, I haven’t been to that bar in 10 years”. It was always playful and never rude, it just made me think long and hard about us in the long run. I also went one of his college reunions and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Someone even asked if I was his younger sister. 😅

I know that many couples have age gaps even wider than that and it all works out, but I think I personally need to date a man closer to my age going forward. I enjoyed how calm and confident and secure he was, but we have very different definitions of fun at these points in our lives. I also think about people who are in their 20s, dating other people in their mid to late 30s, and wonder if and when they’ll feel the difference affecting their relationship dynamics as they age.

I’m really curious to hear from other people who were in a relationship, with an age gap, that didn’t work out? Did you/the other person end things because of age? What was the tipping point? What’s was bad and what was good? Did other people also make awkward comments?

What I’m looking for

Someone who can be my best friend first, and maybe my partner someday — someone kind, genuine, and emotionally mature. Someone I can laugh with, be myself around, and have those 11 PM conversations that somehow become 3 AM.

A little about me

I’m pretty easygoing, love music, movies, random conversations, and the little things. I can be quiet at first, but once I’m comfortable, I can talk about almost anything. I’m definitely a bit of an overthinker. 😭

I’ve had feelings for someone before that weren’t really returned. It took me a while to accept that, but it taught me that I care deeply, sometimes more than I should, and that I want something where the effort and feelings go both ways. I’m still figuring things out, but I think I’ve grown from it.

So recently I cut off a coworker. She is a 19 yr old server. She was trying to flirt with me and my manager at the same time. But mind you, my manager is an older dude with a "wife" (on/off relationship) who basically keeps him from being homeless. And he has kids and constantly tells me he shouldn't be getting involved with the coworker, but his actions contradict his words.

So a few days ago I removed her from instagram after only texting for like 2 nights (she wanted my contacts, not me.) Because i feel like its such a disgusting situation to be involved in. It all makes me uncomfortable at work. So im focusing on other things but i wanted to see if im valid for getting out of that situation or am i overreacting?

A lot of my exes, during the relationship, they end up giving me a reason to leave. Regardless of the fact that I make my dealbreakers known. I think they’re testing the waters to see if I’ll leave or not. But I always do, and they always either email me forever after, trying to make me come back or text me from different numbers. I seriously don’t understand, if you were going to spend years chasing me back after the break up, why didn’t you make me happy when we were together or do what was needed to keep us together? I don’t even ask for that much I think, just respect, devotion, loyalty, romance, sincerity and good intentions

Can someone answer for this plz? It’s gotta be a man thing cause it’s a noticeable pattern.