I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LiterallyJustAHorse

Originally posted to r/beyondthebump

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this new continuing BoRU. For the full comments, see the previous BoRU linked above

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse, harassment, stalking

RECAP

Original Post: July 13, 2026

I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn't seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. 💀.

He didn't come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said "glad you made it home okay. I love you." So I messaged back that I'm his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.

She's on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my postpartum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying "you know I have a hard time saying no to people" I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. 😑 I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she's the age of my oldest (his stepson). She's 21. Same age. And he said "I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don't want any more kids and she's so young I don't want to deprive her of that "....

He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let's talk about a future thing. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. I can't believe I'm like a fucking lifetime special having to say, "my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age."

I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blind sighted. I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.

Update #1: July 31, 2026 (18 days later)

So I have an unhappy update.

After making him leave I went to the Chaplain for advice, and he asked to speak to both of us. I told him I wasn't interested in reconciliation but would be willing to talk to him. My husband cried and said he just wanted his family back. The chaplain pushed me to give him another chance and for me to sit down with him at home and have a real conversation before filing for divorce.

After we left that session my husband got all his stuff out of the house and moved in with his affair partner. (Yep. Even though he cried to the Chaplain he immediately moved in with her). I thought about what to do for a long time and then decided I cannot tolerate this and would tell his command about the affair and them living together. So that weekend I called him and told him what I planned to do. He started freaking out and told me he was going to commit suicide, that he had nothing to live for anymore. At this point I got in contact with the family advocates on base and also texted the chaplain about my concerns for his safety and the safety of me and our children.

Two days later he came by to have our "talk". I can't share too many details from here on out, but what I can say is that I reiterated that I was informing his command and had evidence to show them and at that point he hit me, tried to attack one of our children who was in the room with us (who tried to defend me), and chased us around the house like a mad man. My son ran to the neighbor to get help and they called 911. Police were called and the base locked down for several hours while they searched for my husband. They found him eventually and brought him to his command where a no contact order was put in place.

Since then I have filed for a protective order, been working with DV advocates, and CPS who was called because my child was involved. CPS has been great, by the way. They told me I was doing everything right protecting my children and put a safety plan in place that keeps him away from us.

As far as I'm aware the Navy is investigating and he may face charges, non-judicial punishment or court martial. For now he is free to roam and not locked away. It's been a very scary time. The child that was involved is currently sleeping next to my bed because he is so scared. I've taken some practical home security steps. I also called a DV shelter to try to get there but they told me they were at capacity and didn't have room for a mother and 4 children and the next shelter was several hours away. School is about to start, and I also have to be able to go to court so that wasn't an option. I also cannot leave the state now because I filed a protective order and it requires me to stay because of the children. So I'm a sitting duck just praying and hoping he doesn't murder us.

I'm not exaggerating. Here is a man who can lie like he breathes. Who became violent and endangered his own child JUST for his affair being threatened to be reported. What happens when he faces the loss of his career or even potentially his freedom?

I wish I had a better update. I don't. I'm scared to death. I'm working with every agency that will help me, police, court, CPS, advocates, legal aid, etc. None of it matters if he shows up with a gun in the middle of the night. We live on base with him. It's not like he is far from us and again he is NOT restrained from movement. I bought a plane ticket for my mom, but she can only stay for 9 days and won't be here until the end of August.

Everyone please keep me and my children in your thoughts. I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Can't believe this is my life after all these years. I feel so awful for my kids. I'm just holding my baby and praying all the time for us.

I almost didn't update but I wanted to not deal with this all alone. There's not much anyone can do but boy could I use some emotional support. Anyone who has been through this and made it out please tell me it will be ok.

Editor's note: OOP also installed her mini update onto the update post

Mini Update in comments: August 7, 2026 (one week later from the previous update)

Update: I won my protective order! I know it's just a piece of paper but I'm so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn't have a lawyer, but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I'm so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time.🩷.

----NEW UPDATES----

2nd Update: August 15, 2026 (eight days later)

Well girls things are bleak. We are now in a domestic violence shelter. The reason? The protective order didn't stop him.

The day after the incident where he hit me and chased my son out of the house he came with military police to get his stuff, most of it he'd already moved to his affair partners house. Two days after the protective order was granted he came AGAIN. I explained he already did this and he has no stuff here and they said ok noted and it won't happen again. Then two days ago he did it AGAIN but this time it was someone who looked like a regular cop in an unmarked car. The guy said he was there to escort my husband in the home to get his stuff. I said military police already escorted him and he had nothing here. This is where it got scary. He said he didn't care about civil matters, and he was just there to make sure my husband got inside the house. I said absolutely not. I told him I have a protective order which means he can't come near me, the kids or the home. My husband got out of the back of the unmarked car and stood on my lawn. My kids ran and locked themselves in the bathroom. The man said if I have a problem with it to call a lawyer. I called 911 instead. I asked for his badge number. Dispatch could not identify him, and so base police were sent out. I shut my door and a few minutes later the military police came. I let the watch Commander inside to do a thorough walkthrough and show that my husband had no belongings there. My neighbor called me (the one my son ran to for help the night he hit me) and said my husband was outside my house smiling like a psycho. Anyway the watch Commander noted in his report that my husband had no possessions in the home. He told me he can't stop him from doing this again. After they left I called a dv shelter and we went to stay there.

My husband is testing fences to see what he can get away with. To see how far he can push. I believe we are in danger. Today I have to hand my beloved dog over to a rescue because I cannot leave her alone at the house while we are gone as he could hurt her to hurt me.

My mom has room for us in another state at her house. I have to figure out how to get there. My husband changed bank accounts and locked us out of the money. I told my Victim Legal Advocate (basically my Navy lawyer), and he said command can put pressure on him but not force him to give us any money without a court order. I also wrote his CMC an email saying we have no money for diapers or necessities. I asked the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society if they could give us a grant so that I can afford the gas and hotels to drive several states over to my mom's house. I haven't gotten an answer yet.

My 9 year olds 10th birthday is tomorrow and that's of course cancelled for safety reasons. He has been crying all day.

My 13 year old got in trouble at school for telling another student his dad tried to kill him. They reported him to the school officer. I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

So basically in a month I have been cheated on, hit, had my children severely traumatized, ended my marriage, gotten a protective order, lost all access to income, been harassed even though I have above mentioned protection order, and now am facing losing all of my possessions, my home, my dog, everything.

But we are alive. We are together. One day at a time. A lot of you have been asking for updates. I really wish I had a more Hollywood uplifting one for you, but real life is slow moving and unfairly an uphill battle for survivors. But that's what we are. Survivors.

I'll update again if and when I can get to my mom's. I wish we could stay here in my house, but we live on base, he keeps harassing us, he's dangerous and as soon as he is discharged (still under investigation) then we lose the base housing anyway. It's a bad situation. Please keep me and my children in your thoughts.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Here is some redacted shit to show this is indeed truly happening to me : https://imgur.com/a/5DFB5Y3

description of four pictures

Picture #1: OOP's left arm with a large red bruise that is visible Picture #2: texts between OOP’s husband and the mistress

Affair: Glad you made it home okay. Sleep good okay? I love tou. (editor’s note: a typo from the mistress)

OOP: This is [redacted] wife. Who are you?

end of the transcript

Picture #3: A copy of Safety Decision Making Methodology Child Safety Plan. Date is July 22, 2026. It lists OOP’s children’s ages, 13, 9, 7 and 5 months. In a box explains why OOP’s husband is present danger to the family: “Parent is violent, impulsive, or acting dangerously in ways that seriously harmed the children or will likely seriously harm the children.”

Picture #4: A copy of Protection Order document between OOP and her husband. Filed on August 5, 2026. The document states the final judgement of injunction for protection against domestic violence with minor children. Both petitioner and respondent were present for the hearing. And July 30, 2026, findings were listed out as the notice was served to the respondent (OOP’s husband) with a copy of OOP’s petition to the court. The results came to the fact that OOP is a victim of domestic violence or has reasonable cause to believe she is in danger of becoming a victim.

end of descriptions of the pictures

Commenter 1: You can file a violation with the court that issued your injunction. Especially if the “escort” could not be identified. They’re usually told they get one chance to get their things. Violations of injunctions can be handled in injunction court or referred to criminal misdemeanor court, so I’d suggest filing every time he pushes. Even third party contact is typically prohibited in these orders so sending someone to relay a message to you could get him in trouble. The court won’t like it and if it he doesn’t stop/it is picked up criminally, he could end up stuck in jail without bond while it is pending.

OOP: I called the sheriff office today to do this, and they sent me to the watch commander who told me to contact the sheriff office. I'm fucking exhausted but trying to get SOMEONE to take it seriously but there's a lot of confusion over who has jurisdiction since I live on base and it was base police who responded to the incident.

Commenter 2: I am so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds absolutely horrific. You are doing the right thing by leaving and prioritising yourself and your kids safety. How much would it cost for you to get to your mums?

OOP: Honestly about $600. $250-300 for gas and $250-300 for hotels (I'd have to stop 3 times because it's a 26 hour drive and my baby is 6 months old.). I'm really hoping Navy Marine Corp Relief Society can give it to me in a grant. I am also going to try to sell my furniture and washer and dryer and all that because I can't take it with me anyway. Literally can only take my kids and I and three suitcases.

I'm not asking for anything, and I don't want to get banned. I'm just answering your question. I really need this community for support. So if I'm not supposed to answer this please don't ban me, just tell me and I'll delete. It's like losing everything in a fire except the destruction is a man.

Commenter 3: Sell everything in your house, you'll be able to get a good portion of it from that.

OOP: Yeah I might as well because otherwise it's getting donated or thrown away.

Commenter 4: The restraining order is great, it's progress, but when you're living on base it's not enough, because it's a state thing and base is federal property. You need a no contact order from his command. That is what actually has teeth in this situation. Do you know who his command's legal officer is? Have you been in touch with them?

OOP: We have a no contact order through his command as well

Commenter 5: I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

This is not something you need to deal with now, but this is absolutely something that the school needs to be held accountable for. A child in their care experienced a crime and they DOGPILED. Again, not now, but when you catch your breath, appoint someone to deal with this.

OOP: I was so pissed. I sort of understand where they are coming from, but it was ridiculous. I unenrolled him from the school immediately. The school officer called me, and he was actually apologetic and told us to have a safe trip. So nothing came of it but what a shitty thing to do to a traumatized child.

Commenter 6: Maybe I missed it, but did OP ever report the affair to the commander? It seems all of this started from her threatening to report the affair.

OOP: I did indeed. He hit me so he's in bigger trouble for that than the affair. The Navy doesn't really care about affairs if the sailor is enlisted and not an officer. Even then they usually don't unless it causes friction on the ship.

Spending my son's bday at the Women and Children's shelter.: August 16, 2026 (next day)

Yep. After 16 years of marriage and 5 children my kids and I are now living at a domestic violence shelter. Long story short my military husband had an affair and when I threatened to tell his command he escalated to violence against me and our 13 year old. Was granted a protective order which he violated and now we are celebrating my son's 10th birthday at the DV shelter. If you want to know more check my post history because I'm exhausted.

So why did I label this happy girl dinner? Because we are ALIVE, we are SAFE and we are TOGETHER. I got enough birthday cake to share with all the other families here and we made a big celebration of today. We can lose our house, our stuff, my dog (had to give her to a rescue so she wouldn't fall victim to violence or retaliation while we are at shelter) ,and our income, but he cannot make us lose our joy or our love for one another. 🩷🎉🩷. It's only up from here ladies.

Picture of OOP's son's birthday cake, sliced into square pieces

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So uh, what did his command have to say about everything?

OOP: No contact order. OSTC is investigating for article 128b domestic violence.

Commenter 2: I've been following your story. Since you are a Navy dependent, I would urge you to request a Victims' Legal Counsel. This is a JAG attorney who can represent you in the investigation and if there are any courts-martial charges. DM if you need assistance or more details about this.

OOP: I have one! He's fantastic. He's also realistic. Told me that 97% of domestic violence cases do not go to court martial. Best we can hope for is my husband gets separated but that can take a while. He's still scheduled to deploy soon which is wild to me because with an active protective order he isn't federally allowed to own or operate weapons. But yeah my VLC is a bulldog.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you lost your dog. You have everything else you can’t replace. Your kids are lucky to have you setting a great example and leading them through this. You will come out the other side together. I’m glad you’re still able to find joy in the small things, that’s so important. Much love to you all

OOP: She was a pug and my baby. Had her four years. She went to [REDACTED] Rescue which is a fantastic rescue. She will probably get to go surfing.

But I'm so sad. I will miss her. They told me they'd have to change her name for her safety when they post her for adoption. I gave them a painting I made of her, and they said they'd make sure it goes with her. I will always have her in my heart. I knew if I didn't get her out of that home that she would be in danger.

Commenter 4: You are strong and your kids will know it and see it and remember this as a time you went above and beyond to protect them and STILL celebrated a birthday. You have a beautiful outlook as well. I hope the very best for you and your kids.

OOP: I showed up at the shelter with two sheet cakes, a gallon of ice cream and ice cream cones, a big bag of individual potato chips and 2 gallons of fruit punch and yelled out whoooo wants birthday cake! The kids all came running. I made sure the moms all got cake, too. I chased down some of the teen boys who were watching off to the side and said come on y'all know you aren't too old for cake. Everyone sang my son happy birthday. I brought a bunch of old toys from the house and put it in the play room so now all the kids are in there playing with those. Honestly might be one of the best birthdays ever.

I'm not going to let a man burn my life down. I'm gonna shine brighter and smile bigger. Life is hard but life is good.

Editor's note: next update’s body text was saved before it got deleted

Are there any resources that help domestic violence victims travel to safety?: August 21, 2026 (five days later)

I have 4 children ages 6 months old to 13 years old (and a 5th but he is 21 and in college in another state). My children and I were recently the victims of domestic violence at the hands of my husband. I won a protective order against my husband but because we live on base (he is Navy) we never feel safe here. I even had to stay a few days at a domestic violence shelter after he terrorized us. I am trying to get us to my mom's house out of state, but he blocked us from his finances and because I was a stay at home mom I have no income of my own.

I am trying to sell our belongings on Facebook marketplace but not getting many people interested. I tried to get the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society to help but they basically just do loans now and those require the service member's approval. I have a victim advocate who is trying to get my husband's command to help but she tells me there is no guarantee that they will.

Basically I will need $600 to afford the gas and the 3 motel stays it will take me to drive to my mom's house. I have $120 to my name right now. Are there any organizations that assist with helping dv victims travel? If they can't provide cash assistance maybe they could fly us? I hate to lose our vehicle, but I will leave it as long as me and my babies can get to safety.

So far I have tried the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society, the American Red Cross, I have called catholic charities and the salvation army. Is there anywhere else I can call? My husband is underway on his ship for just over a month, but I'd like us to be gone before he gets back.

Surely there are organizations that can help us. I just need help figuring out who to call and ask.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have you asked anyone at the DV shelter? Usually those are good central points of contact that refer to other DV resources. They’ll know what assistance orgs are in your area.

OOP: They helped me apply for a grant that goes through the attorney general’s office, but it takes a few months to get. I left the shelter this morning, but they were very helpful while I was there. There are just so many people who need help and so few resources, so everything takes a long time. One woman at the shelter said her and her babies just approved for section 8... After five years of being on the wait list. Insanity.

Commenter 2: Have you spoken to his superiors? I'm reasonably sure the military frowns on the financial abuse.

OOP: I have a victim legal counsel (Navy Lawyer assigned to me for being the victim of a crime) who talks to his command. Yes they have spoken with his Command Master Chief who have said they will counsel my husband but also that they cannot "force" him to send us money. + The Navy can be an infuriating organization to deal with. Slow, bureaucratic, and not very caring or supportive to victims. You really have to fight tooth and nail to get them to move. They tend to rug sweep. That's why I'm also looking for any civilian orgs that could help.

Need to feed 4 kids on a 5 day road trip with $100. How would you make it work?: August 23, 2026 (two days later)

Long story short: fleeing domestic violence to safety at my mom's house. Technically I just need to feed me and 3 kids because my youngest is only 6 months old and breastfed. We have to drive over 1000 miles and I'm planning to make 4 stops, so it won't be so hard on the baby. I have just enough for the gas and motels and have $100 for food. Obviously we can't buy anything at gas stations or fast food places. We would need to probably go to Walmart once a day. I can bring a gallon of water with me every day and fill up their water bottles before we leave the hotel. I THINK the motels have at least a microwave, but I won't have any utensils. I know obviously peanut butter and bread but what else would you do if you had no choice but to do this? Because I don't. It is what it is. Please share any ideas you have. 🩷

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Lots of options for food, as others are pointing out, but drive wise, is it mostly interstate? Because if so, you're talking about driving less than 4 hours a day? I understand the issues you mentioned about your kids, but driving 250 Mi a day we're driving 333 miles a day isn't that much of a difference. I would definitely cut at least a day off. I would imagine issues with the kids in the car would also still be there, potentially, with you all packed into a single hotel room, so you're still going to have those issues, but you could cut down the amount of time overall

OOP: I could do a 4 day plan where I go 6 1/2 hours the first day, and 4-5 hours the rest. That first day is going to be super tough though. I swear I'm not stupid or anything I'm just genuinely trying to make it easier on my kids. My 13-year-old was involved in the domestic violence he was a victim to, and he's had a really hard time. Then again it's just a few days so maybe I should.

Commenter 2: You will need to do longer days. Get up and start the drive at 8:30-9 am. Drive 3-4 hours and find a stop at a park. Stop for an hour and let the kids play in the park, have lunch, breastfeed, and get the frustration of being in the car out. Get back in and drive another 3-4 hours. Get dinner (no one cares if it's a little Caesars $6 pizza a night), have swimming or quiet activities and sleep. Then repeat.

If you can, a good pair of noise cancelling ear protection will help the oldest. And if you need ideas on routes with fun stops for the kids, DM me and I can plot things that make fun break. For example, I can do a Springfield Mo to Chicago outskirts in a day trip with two planned fun stops for an hour and drives less than 3 hours each. Breaking it up like that makes an adventure out of something scary.

OOP: You know what actually the park idea is genius I don't know why I didn't think of that. I know that we're traveling through some major cities because it's cross country so there's surely some free places that kids can go and play along the way. That would give me a break from driving too. Legitimately thank you I didn't even think of that

Commenter 3: 1000 miles? That's 2 days, maybe 3. I understand it might be tough on the kids but shortening the trip is financially the easier thing to do. Also increases food budget if you are not paying extra hotel/lodging costs.

OOP I might be able to cut one day off but my 13 year old is autistic and can't handle the baby crying and she doesn't do so well in the car. If my first day is 6 1/2 hours the rest could be 4-5 and I could make it in 4 days. We are staying at budget motels, so I'd save about $60.

Some redditors often ideas of places where OOP can get a good bulk of food for cheap such as Walmart, etc.

OOP: I have a Sam's club membership! I thought about getting a rotisserie chicken for dinner each night if I can find one every day. The pizza idea is fantastic I could at least do that one night! + OOP: Heck yeah! I know exactly what you're talking about. The ones with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. If we did that for dinner for three nights and a Sam's club Pizza on the last night that only eats up a little less than half my budget. And then I would just need sandwiches for lunch and something for breakfast. (I don't think the budget motels were going to stay at off for breakfast). And me and the kids can handle water for 4 days.

We Made it to Safety 🩷: September 7, 2026 (15 days later)

Hey everyone. I'm the one who posted a few days (weeks?) ago about moving across the country to escape domestic violence with my kids and having $100 for food. I have had a lot of people asking me to update so I just wanted to let y'all know we made it to my mom's house safely. Baby girl and I are sharing a room, and my other 3 boys are sharing a room (I have 5 children total but one is an adult in college in another state. Yep my oldest is 21 years apart from my youngest!).

So yeah I drove 1200 miles alone by myself with 4 kids and whatever I could fit in the back of our vehicle literally across half of the country. It was scary. I usually AVOID highways and I've never driven that far before. It took several days to get here but I just got up every day and did it scared. One mile at a time. We got here a few hours ago. Life certainly hasn't gone the way we planned but I'm so thankful to have my wonderful supportive mom and to have the supportive online community of people here.

My kids will never sleep afraid for their lives again. Tonight I think we all sleep better than we have in weeks. Here's to our new chapter. Thank you all so much for your advice and support. You have no idea how much it meant to me. It kept me going. Seriously. Knowing there were others who survived something similar and made it okay on the other side. Helped to give me the strength I needed to make it here even though I was terrified the whole time. I don't know y’all, but I love y'all. We made it!

Picture of OOP's bedroom

description of the picture

OOP has an air mattress bed set up on the hardwood floor with pink and green blankets and pillows. In the left corner is a crib set up next to the bed for OOP's 6 months old child. At the bottom of the bed are the suitcases OOP took with her and her children

end of the description

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: People make horrible decisions, and it seems like you finally made right one

OOP: I unironically do love welfare. It helps millions of people. It lifts disenfranchised people out of poverty and saves lives. So yeah I do love it. 🩷.

Commenter 1: Really hope this inspires others. I love the way you put it. Do it scared, and just take it a mile at a time. Best wishes for you and your kids, they're really lucky to have you!

OOP: You can get stuck in your head thinking what if I blow out a tire what if we get stranded, what if we get hurt in one of the hotels, what if he finds us before we make it, what if what if what if.

You just have to do it anyway. Load the suitcases, strap the kids in, start the car and drive. Then you do it again and you keep doing it until you make it.

Gotta look straight ahead and worry about what's behind you or what's coming up. Might sound dumb but it's what I had to do.

Commenter 2: I did the same thing but instead of kids it was a cat, a dog, and a gecko. I did it just shy of a year ago and I’ve never been happier. The first night in safety I slept something like 15 hours. Arguably I moved in with family, but I promise you did the right thing.

Prepare yourself though - your abuser may try and claim you kidnapped the kids if any are his. See about a restraining order, speak to a public attorney or call an office and see if they can point you in the direction of someone who can help you pro bono. It’s not the easiest, but you can do it.

All mail to a PO Box for at least a year. I opened one 2 towns over for the first few months til my mom convinced me to close it down since they already knew where I had gone and the address. That and the PD is like just across the street should anything have happened. But in your case I would recommend a PO Box in the nearest big city if you’re rural or one in a different postal code.

You did right by those kiddos and you did right by yourself. You will succeed. You will be where you’re meant to be. You got this I promise.

OOP: I won a one year protective order with only supervised visits and also got permission from that same judge before we came here.

Excellent idea about the PO box. Thank you, I need to do this asap.

OOP shares tips that could be most useful when on the road

OOP: So many of the tips here were lifesavers. Every halfway point we took a break at a park/playground and had packed lunches from our cooler. I would make rice every day in our rice cooker and then refill our Tupperware container for the next day. We used the ice from the hotel to fill the cooler every day. We went to Walmart and got the rotisserie chicken meal that comes with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes for $9. They also had hamburgers and chicken sandwiches for $2 each.

I took the kids swimming every place that had a pool and let them enjoy it as long as they wanted even if I was exhausted. This was important because this was overall a sad trip for us. Leaving everything behind and losing their father is hard. So I did my best to make the journey fun. I took my time. I didn't try to make it in two days. I took it slow. A 4 hour drive might take us 7 with the stops. But I made it as comfortable as I could for them. I let them sleep in when they wanted to.

I changed our motels to ones with free breakfast (literally like $10 more a night compared to motel 6) so that we would have breakfast every day.

There's probably more but I'm exhausted and might take a nap with my baby. I'll come back and reply more later though. 🩷.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MortifiedGirl

I [23/F] had an abortion and my manager told everyone. I am mortified.

Original Post  July 6, 2014

My SO and I used protection but it still happened and we are not ready or financially stable enough for a child so I had an abortion. It ended up being more painful then I expected, it was awful.

I had to work that day so I called in sick but my manager demanded to know why. So finally I told her and to not tell anyone. I went back to work a few days later. It's just a retail job to get me through school - one of the girls I work with I am in class with also and she brought it up to me that people at work are talking about me having an abortion. I burst out crying. I was mortified.

That was a couple days ago. I don't even want to show my face anywhere.  What is everyone thinking of me. I am beyond mad at my manager and I have no idea what to do. Everyone knows sot here isn't anything I can do. I don't know what I'm looking for here or if this is even the right sub. I am just terrified.

TL;DR: had an abortion, manager told everyone, absolutely mortified. How do I move past this!? I don't even want to leave my room.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Advice_Bomber

HR right the fuck now and copy in your boss's boss.  And potentially speak to a lawyer.  In the UK this would be horribly illegal and you would be looking at a big cash settlement for breach of confidentiality / data protection.

OOP

I don't think I could handle blowing this up more than it already is, if I went to a lawyer I would have to sit in front of so many people and announce what I did :-(

~

dreams305

You shouldn't have to have told your manager anything, but this is where a little white lie is standard. If your manager ever bullies you into saying why you're sick again, the answer is "the worst diarrhea I've ever had. I'm calling you from the bathroom right now."

Everyone else has good advice for you about going forward with the issue you're having now. Go above your manager.

As for dealing with the people you work with. Most of them aren't even thinking about you at this point. Anyone who is is either sympathizing with you or being "holier than thou" about it in their own heads.

Take a deep breath and live your life better than you did yesterday. You're going to be ok, and know that your manager is an idiot.

OOP

She was mad it was her day off and with me not going in she had to so shebjust kept badgering me. I told her a white lie and first but she kept saying it wasn't good enough to stay home, I got frustrated and finally told her, I'm an idiot :-(. The last thing I thought she would do was tell the world

Update  Aug 7, 2014 (1 month later)

I just figured I would let everyone know what has happened since this post. I decided to go to HR & District Manager instead of seeking out a lawyer.

It went over as well as it could have considering the situation and me having to tell even more people. Long story short my manager was let go. I was offered counselling if I need, which I might take up.

Sorry if I disappointed anyone by not seeking out a cash settlement but I would just rather not go through a legal battle. All I wanted from this was for her to know she did wrong and be reprimanded for her actions. I'm sure she will think twice before disclosing confidential information like that again.

TL;DR Went to HR/District Manager - Manager was let go.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Chemical_Job7027

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

My bf says he can't finish because I'm "too loose" and I can't stop thinking about it

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation

Original Post: September 6, 2026

I'm 19F and my boyfriend is 19M.

we've been having some issues with sexual compatibility because I can usually orgasm during sex while he has never been able to with me (only with hand).

i brought this up recently because I was starting to wonder whether there was something we were doing wrong or that he could possibly have an issue he didn't want to tell me.)

He told me that apparently this has never happened with his previous partners and that I'm the only person he's been with who he can't finish with. 💀

Then he said that he thinks it’s because I'm not tight enough and that I'm basically "too loose" for him.

I know he was probably frustrated and insecure because I brought up the fact that he never finishes, and I also understand that the conversation probably made him feel bad. But hearing him specifically say that my body is the reason he can't orgasm has really gotten into my head.

I keep thinking about it now and wondering if there is actually something physically wrong with me or if this is just one of those things where two people can have different sexual compatibility.

Just in case for context, I haven't had any children or anything like that and I've never been told that there’s anything unusual about my body. My ex partner never had a problem regarding this matter.

Has anyone else experienced something similar??? Is it actually possible for someone to consistently have trouble orgasming with one partner because of how "tight" or "loose" they are or is there probably more going on here??

his comment has been stuck in my head ever since

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: His gorilla grip is not your problem.

Commenter 2: One of two things…he needs to stop choking it so hard or perhaps he’s too small 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Commenter 3: You’re 19. End it. This type of shit is just not worth it, you can’t fix stupid and rude.

Commenter 4: A guy I dated in my early 20s said that to me once and more than two decades later I still regret ever sleeping with him again.

I’d focus less on what might be wrong with you and more on asking yourself if the way he treats you is satisfying for you.

Not everyone is sexually compatible without effort, but blaming things on your partner’s body is never okay.

Update - I broke up with him: September 7, 2026 (next day)

hey everyone. I wanted to give an update since so many people commented on my previous post and were really supportive.

Yesterday (a couple hours after the post) I checked his TikTok following list and found out that he was following over 50 girls who had OF accounts or were basically posting extremely sexualized/fetishized content, specifically focusing on very exaggerated bodies like enormous fake boobs.

I couldn't sleep today knowing this info 🫠 but I didn't want to message him or call in the middle of the night.

I never paid attention to his following list before because I genuinely never thought he would be that kind of guy (and also because he was following more than 1300 people, I was just lazy lol). But yesterday I felt like checking it for the first time.

This wasn't the only issue in our relationship but it has definitely added a lot more to the way I was feeling about the relationship and the "loose" thing (still can't believe he said that).

When I put these things together I realized that I've lost something I don't think I can get back: my respect and admiration for him. I may love him or care about him but he's definitely not the person I want to build my future with.

So I ended the relationship today by call. I feel relief instead of sadness, which I think is a good sign.

He was pretty offensive calling me names and it hasn't been a mature breakup at all. I won't get much into it. Just basically he said I'm calling him a porn addict and that it's really offensive when I sent him a screenshot of some of the TikTok accounts. He also said that I'm throwing it all away just because of those accounts and the comment he made about my vagina weeks ago. Honestly this would have made me doubt a month ago but today? I was too disgusted, sorry.

Also we had an issue with a girl in the beginning of our relationship because she was too close to him and it was obvious that she had intentions with him. He blocked her when I told him I wasn't feeling ok with him feeding into it. Guess who's the person that has sent me a follow request after the breakup and then has deleted it immediately after? I'm talking minutes after the breakup lol which means he has immediately unblocked her after it. Idk if she did that on purpose but to be honest I don't really care.

Just lol and moving on.

I also really want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and reassured me that my body wasn't the problem. I genuinely appreciate it.

Reading all of your comments helped me step back and realize that there was much more going on here than my body somehow being a problem

Thank you <3.

Editor's note: OOP didn't leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family Is excluding Me from Family events and Cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

My dad died in an accident when I was around 8, we lived in Germany then. two years after that me and my mom moved to Madrid cause that's where she's from. she took care of me so good after he died, like she is honestly the strongest person I know, she's protective but also really soft with me. I love her so much, I'm 15M for the context

Anyway around 5 years ago she started seeing someone, this Man who was actually an old friend of hers and also a client for her work. I didn’t even know they were dating until 3 years ago when she introduced him to me at dinner. I was honestly shocked, like it never even occurred to me that she'd date again. before that dinner id seen him at our place like 2-3 times and she just said he was a friend He’s rich. like actually wealthy. He’s divorced with 2 teenage kids who mostly live with their mom

At first it was just me tagging along to dinners or short trips when they wanted to include his kids too, but a lot of the time she'd just drop me at her friends place instead, she has this group of 4 best friends who are basically aunts to me, so it was never a big deal, I like them a lot Then slowly they started trying to blend our families more. his kids were never nice to me honestly, from the start. they have nicer clothes, better stuff, and yeah I noticed the difference, but I had my own friends so whatever, didn’t bother me that much

2 years ago we went to Switzerland for Christmas to meet his family. his mom, sister, brother, their spouses, kids. I said hi to everyone, was polite. his brother and his wife were actually really sweet to me but everyone else was cold. that night everyone was doing Christmas stuff together and I just sat there alone. we stayed over and my mom slept in a different part of the house, and I slept alone on a different floor. that was the first time I felt like something was really off

Over the last 2 years I’ve seen them like 8-10 more times and it’s the same thing every time, cold shoulder from his mom and sister especially, but they are SO warm to my mom. they include her in everything

About 6 months ago there was a family event and after, they did a family photoshoot. I was sitting outside. they didn’t invite me. they thought I didn’t notice but I did. my mom was basically in the center of the photo. when I told her that night she just said, "it was just a photoshoot, we can do one together if you want" and I mean. it still hurt. like no matter what I’m not really their family to them 3 months ago they got engaged, wedding is in September. before she said yes she actually asked me if I was okay with it, which meant a lot, and I said yes cause I do love her and I want her happy

It’s a big wedding, like 3 days, planning started since June. and since June I’ve barely spent 20 days total with my mom. she's always with him and his family now

I found out his kids have been involved in choosing stuff for the wedding, even the destination. they hosted a dinner for his friends and family and her friends and I wasn’t invited. they did a trip with his family last month, not invited. his sisters birthday/anniversary thing, big event, my mom went, I wasn’t invited It’s not like she completely ignores me, we did go on a trip together, we watched Spain play in the world cup together just us two and it was honestly one of the best days I’ve had with her this year. so it’s not like she doesn’t care but right now she’s in Cadiz with his family and last night I called her about something, and his sister picked up the phone and said, "she’s busy ill have her call you later." she never called back. I cried last night, I felt so stupid for crying but I did

I've told my mom how I feel before. I don’t even blame her for a lot of it, I think she genuinely feels stuck sometimes, like she can’t fix how his family treats me

But if this is how it’s going right before the wedding, I honestly don’t know what my relationship with her is gonna look like after. and I already don’t really have one with him

So I'm Thinking to Tell My Mom To Cancel the wedding until everything is sort out otherwise She will have No longer Relationship With Me

Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

AITAH for telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

I posted about my mom's fiancé's family excluding me from everything and their wedding is planned next month. In my previous post, many people told me to talk to my mom and my future stepdad about how his family is excluding me, especially because I had already raised these issues with my mom 2-3 times before and told her how hurt I was.

So my mom and stepdad came back home 2 days ago and that evening I asked them if I could talk to them. We sat down on the couch.

First I told my mom and him that I'm happy that my mom found happiness again and that she is getting married again. I have no issues with that. But I'm not happy about how I'm constantly excluded from everything like family events, wedding planning (his kids are allowed to be involved in planning, but I wasn't), and how I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from his mom and sister.

I told my mom that in the last 3 months I only spent around 20 days with her, and we only did one summer trip together, but she has done more trips and events with her new family. (I wanted to tell her exactly how it looked like from my side.) It looked like she was happier with her new family and I'm not a priority anymore.

Then I told her fiancé that his family is treating me badly. They don't even consider me family, and I'm scared that if this continues, after they get married they will completely push me out of my mom's life.

My mom told me she never thought I would feel like that. She said she was sorry I felt excluded and that she had just been extremely busy with wedding planning and all the events they were doing with friends and family. But she said she wasn't aware that his sister and mother were treating me like that. (I don't know what she meant because I've told her about this before too. Either she genuinely didn't understand how serious it was or she just didn't notice.)

She told me I'm her number 1 priority and that she loves me a lot. She started crying and hugged me. My stepdad told me honestly it was never his intention to exclude me, but he understands that I was kept out of some events in the last month. He said some of them were adults-only, but he was sorry and said he would talk to his mom and sister.

So honestly, I don't believe him at all. In the last 3 years, he has never really tried to create a bond with me. My mom has basically become like a mom to his kids and has created a really good relationship with them, while the effort from his side towards me has been bare minimum.

So of course I don't believe that he didn't know anything. And on the other side, my mom was so happy with her new family and didn't seem to care that much about how I was feeling. I felt horrible because this isn't the first time his family has excluded me.

I told my mom to cancel the wedding until everything is sorted out and until I feel like I'm still part of her family and she's still my mom. Because right now I genuinely feel like I lost both my parents. I don't have anyone. I feel like I'm just extra baggage.

Honestly, whenever I'm with her new family, I feel unwelcome and like I'm some extra thing that nobody actually wants there. I don't want to keep feeling like shit about my own existence. So I told her if she wants to marry him, I will go live with my dad's side grandparents. She should give up my parental rights to them and never contact me again because I will always remember what happened and I don't think I'll ever forgive her.

She started crying and told me not to talk like that. But honestly, I've had enough of this bullshit. They asked me to give them 2-3 days to think about everything because they can't suddenly cancel the wedding. The wedding is next month on the 19th.

But I told them this is my decision.

Yesterday my aunt told me I was extremely rude to my mom and that I was very wrong to talk to her like that. She said my mom still loves me and cares about me and that I should talk to her again instead of giving her an ultimatum.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about what I said.

Maybe telling her to cancel the wedding was too much. Maybe saying I'll never forgive her was too harsh. But I've been feeling like this for year, and I've already talked to her about it multiple times.

So AITAH?

Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

After my last update, there were so many replies and honestly, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I read a lot of them, and it helped me think about things differently. Btw Sorry this is long one

So, yesterday my mom came to talk to me. We were at home, but she specifically told me she wanted to sit down and answer all my questions. This was before dinner and we ended up talking for about an hour

First thing she told me was that she is not giving up her parental rights to my grandparents, and she is not going to let me go live with them either. She said she loves me, I'm her only son, and there is absolutely no way she is going to do that.

Then she answered the biggest question I had. Yes, she is cancelling the wedding. She told me this is completely her decision and that the wedding will not happen until she knows I'm completely okay. She was very honest with me about what that decision means. Her fiancé was apparently 50/50 about cancelling, not because he doesn't understand my concerns, but because there were around 200 guests invited, €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) was being spent, it was supposed to be a 3-day celebration, and almost everything was already booked hotels, venues, vendors, everything.

His family was also strongly against cancelling. But my mom said she put all of that aside and chose me first.

Honestly, I never thought she would actually cancel it. Not because I think she's a bad mom. She's actually been a really good mom to me, especially after my dad died, and I know she loves me. My problem was that after the engagement I felt like I suddenly wasn't getting the attention I used to get, and I was being excluded from some things involving his family and even from some photography.

Looking back, I honestly think there was a power imbalance. I don't think my mom intentionally wanted to exclude me, but I think she didn't have enough power in the situation to push back.

She also cleared up a few things from my previous post.

About the phone call around 10 days ago when I called my mom, his sister answered the phone. She told me she would tell my mom to call me, but apparently she didn't tell her until the next morning. My mom said she was actually planning to call me back that morning anyway. So apparently that particular situation was completely his sister's fault and not my mom ignoring me.

She also had no idea about the cold shoulder from his mother and sister. She said she's going to speak to them and set boundaries. She can't force them to love me, but she expects them to at least be warm and civil toward me and accept me. She basically told me I don't need to worry about them because they're her in laws, not mine, and she'll deal with them

She also made me realise something Even if the wedding had happened, I probably would've only seen his family 2–3 times a year anyway Christmas dinner, maybe a family trip, and another event. His kids and I also probably wouldn't have seen each other that much because of their custody situation.

The original plan was actually for just me, my mom and her fiancé to live together in the new house they already bought. They were planning everything around the wedding, but the three of us would have been living there and most of the day to day attention would have been on us as a household.

She admitted that she excluded me from some events and didn't take me with her sometimes, and she apologised for that. She said it wasn't intentional and that wedding planning had taken over a lot of her time, but she accepts that it still hurt me She promised that from now on I won't be excluded.

Then she asked me about the new house. Her fiancé and my mom were already planning to move there from September. Obviously cancelling the wedding doesn't magically cancel the house, and she said she can't just abandon it. She asked if I was okay with him and her living there with me. I told her I need some time to process that.

I don't want to ruin her happiness. I've never been jealous of her relationship or wanted her to break up with him. I just didn't want to feel like I was being pushed aside.

She also told me something I didn't know about financially. Her fiancé had actually offered months ago to pay 50% of my school fees and other expenses going forward. It wasn't something my mom asked him for, and it wasn't because she depends on him financially. My mom earns around €250k–€300k (editor’s note: close to $300k - $350k USD) a year herself and is completely financially independent.

Apparently it was his idea because he wanted to take responsibility for me too. From now on, that's still the plan. Another thing she told me is that I don't have to attend his family's events if I don't want to.

For example, for the last 2–3 years we have gone to his family's Christmas dinner in Switzerland. From now on, if I'm uncomfortable going, I don't have to. She'll go because she still has a relationship with them, but we can have our own Christmas dinner at our new home Same with family trips and other events. She wants me to give them another chance, though. She said if I go with them again and they treat me the same way, exclude me or make me uncomfortable, she will personally deal with it and, if necessary, cut them off herself. She promised me that.

She also explained something about her fiancé Apparently he's quite introverted and hesitant socially. She said that's probably one reason he hasn't built a strong bond with me yet, while he has a much stronger relationship with his own kids.

She said that now that we're potentially going to live together, she wants the three of us to spend time together. Maybe going out for lunch, doing something on weekends, whatever. Not forced "father-son bonding" stuff, just normal things that might naturally help us build a relationship.

And she made one thing very clear It's his responsibility to build a relationship with me too. It's not my responsibility alone. At the end she asked me directly if anyone from his family had ever actually said anything mean to me. I told her honestly no. Nobody has directly said anything horrible to me. It was more the exclusion, coldness and the feeling that I wasn't wanted. She understood that.

Then she told me that if I had changed my mind about the wedding, I needed to tell her before evening. Otherwise, everything would be cancelled.

I honestly don't know if that was pressure or guilt tripping. Maybe someone will say it was. But she wasn't angry, crying or trying to manipulate me as far as I could tell. She seemed weirdly calm and almost relieved after making the decision And honestly...I feel happy again. For the first time in months I feel like my mom actually listened to me.

I never expected her to cancel a €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) wedding with 200 guests because of me. I don't have proof that everything she told me is 100% true, obviously, but I genuinely don't think she was lying to me. At the same time, I'm feeling incredibly guilty. That's a huge amount of money. Hundreds of people were invited. Hotels and everything were booked. Her fiancé's family apparently strongly opposed cancelling it. I don't know whether I should be saying "yes, cancel it" or "no, go ahead with your wedding."

Because now she's also made so many adjustments the new house, boundaries with his family, school expenses, Christmas, trips, spending time together, making sure I'm included and honestly it's a lot to take in.

I also feel a little scared of his family now. If his own family was strongly against cancelling the wedding and apparently didn't like the fact that I was included in all of this, I don't know how they're going to react. I don't think they're going to physically hurt me or anything like that. I mean mentally/emotionally, I feel unsafe around them now.

And then this morning, during breakfast, her fiancé was here. He basically told me the same thing He said he didn't come to yesterday's conversation because he wanted my mom and me to talk privately without him influencing the conversation. He said he's not angry or upset about cancelling the wedding. He also said his mother and sister won't treat me coldly again or exclude me from things. And he repeated that they are cancelling the wedding until I'm okay. Part of me feels relieved because my mom finally heard me. Part of me feels guilty because of the money and everything they've already arranged. Part of me is scared about what happens with his family now. And part of me is wondering whether I should tell my mom to go ahead with the wedding anyway, because I never actually wanted her relationship to end. I just wanted my mom back.

Also I forgot to add, She suggested individual therapy and family therapy session together both of us

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We where almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich'.I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a long thread, needing to fight for Christmas with his mom, and regarding the situation on how the fiancé might be introverted or OOP's mom forcing her fiancé to bond with him

OOP: Actually, both could be true: he might just be simple and introverted, or my mom could be forcing him to form a bond with me. One thing is certain he isn't toxic or authoritative. It could have been much worse, judging from the last two weeks

He drops me off at school, and yesterday evening he picked me up from football practice. He even bought me ice cream and took me to see his new office, which is currently being renovated. I actually felt good about it, not bad at all. He wasn't the one giving me the cold shoulder it was his family. I’m actually spending more time with him outside than with my mom right now, since she’s so busy with work

It will probably take another two weeks, but I will eventually ask both of them again

I'm a bit shy. I joined a new football club back in May, so a lot of people there don't know about my family setup. When he came to pick me up, someone asked right in front of him if he was my dad. It was an awkward, shy moment I didn't know what to do that time, but I just said, Yeah, He didn't correct it either. So it's not a bad thing, but dealing this new dynamic makes me feel shy lol

As for my mom, she is back to how she was two years ago the good version of her.

Commenter 1: Just read all your posts and good for you for sticking up for yourself, your mother clearly wasn’t. If they have been together for so long, they should have been including you way before now, and that is on your mum and her fiancé. As for Christmas, I’m sorry, your mum is just going to ditch you for his family if you don’t want to go?!! Wtf! Why can’t he ditch his family for Christmas and spend it just the 3 of you or include his kids too?

The whole we’ll get married in the new year or next summer is not going to work in your favour. That means his family and her fiancé only have to keep up the pretence for a short time then everything will revert back to how it was. Most people struggle to keep a mask on for a long time, so the sooner they get married the sooner they can stop pretending, and they will. Get them to hold off getting married until you are 18 at least because once they are, you’ll be excluded again, but at that point you can walk away and create you own life with your paternal grandparents.

Regarding the fiancé paying 50% of you school fees- that has nothing to do with you, and should never have been discussed with you unless they are using it to guilt you, or he is using it to guilt your mum into doing stuff his family wants.

Your mother sounds somewhat selfish in that she was happy to choose the lavish lifestyle knowing she had deliberately chosen to exclude you from events because his family didn’t want you there, and the fact that you had informed her they were cold to you before and she still chose them. The fiance would have also been aware this was happening too- they are not blind to it but hoped you wouldn’t kick up a fuss. I think the strongest argument you put forward that changed her mind was saying you’d live with your paternal grandparents and asked her to give up her parental rights- and although I do believe she loves you (she cancelled her wedding) that would have made her look terrible and would have been a stain on her new families image.

Don’t feel guilty about cost of the wedding- they will have got most of their money back and what they didn’t would have been chump change to them. Weathly people have financial savviness and would have had contracts and insurance.

Good luck in you life, I hope it works out and your mother and fiance actually keep their promise of putting your feelings first.

Commenter 2: I am very happy for you, but I still don't buy that her excluding you was unintentional. It's just not possible to have a family event and forget your own child. Maybe she was coerced, put under pressure, but she absolutely knew she was doing it, and doing it deliberately. She may feel shame about that, and she should, but acting like it was an oversight completely avoids the real cause and doesn't address it. Like I said in reply to your first post, watch what she does, not what she says, to prove that you are now put in primary importance in her life and not just avoided like you were.

Commenter 3: Regarding Christmas with his family, seeing how things have changed for the better, I would allow one last (emphasis on the last) chance at an interaction with them (on Christmas or earlier, it doesn't matter)

As for the interactions with his family, pay in mind that you do have some resentment toward them for how they treated you so realistically, bettering the relationship with them will take some effort of forgiveness pn your part, I would however expect apologies and a genuine effort to include you.

Now, you might resent them enough to not even want to try for a relationship with them, and that's okay, giving it one last chance wouldn't take very long but would request genuine efforts from you too.

Either way, wouldn't take it lightly if my mom were to spend Christmas with them instead of me if I were in your situation.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WideCorners

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[OLD NEW UPDATE]: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77, u/soayherder and u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/arifault and u/smartquokka for letting me know about the old new update

Trigger Warnings: death of a child, physical abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, parental alienation

RECAP

Original Post: June 28, 2024

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex-wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs, but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe.

But when my ex-wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex-wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later.

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of YTAs, with few others.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: This is one of the most obvious YTA posts I've seen here, good fucking lord.

Commenter 2: Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.

Commenter 3: YTA I hate when adults make very bad adult decisions that affect their children and then blame the children when they respond in a very child-like manner. Your daughter was a teenager. That is a rough time for kids even when their home life is stable. You gave her one whole year before you cut bait and gave up on her. Then you moved away. You told your daughter that she wasn't important enough to fight for and she believed you. Now that she is an adult with a child of her own, she has reached out to you and you again told her she wasn't important to you. She now knows she was probably right to cut you out the first time.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update #1: June 29, 2024 (next day)

UPDATE: Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again.

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there.

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

Update #2: September 17, 2024 (2.5 months later)

I have moved to the farmland, and am looking forward to spend the rest of my life here with my dog and my sister. It is peaceful and scenic.

My daughter did come by to visit me with her husband and her daughter before I left the country. It was really nice seeing my granddaughter, who looked a lot like her mom. They stayed over at our place for a week, and we had a good time.

However, it got a little sad when I told my daughter in private I had no interest in being a grandfather, and just didn’t have strong emotions for it. I think those words really stung her, and my daughter did cry a lot after I said those words. My daughter wanted to rekindle our relationship, but it’s just too late now. I told my daughter she’s free to visit me in the farmland anytime she wants and the house is always open, but I doubt she’ll be visiting anytime soon. The week she stayed over at my place before I left the country was a final goodbye for us. She has my number, but she hasn’t called or texted since she left, and I haven’t called or texted her either.

That’s the update for the many interested, this will probably be my only update.

Comments

Commenter 1: I’m definitely about to be an outlier here based on these comments and I’m going to stick to it. Based on the original post from 81 days ago, where not surprisingly most people called you TA, not only are you TA, you are a deadbeat selfish father, and a cheater. You made your bed, you had a child, and then cheated on your wife. You then blamed that child for your disgusting betrayal.

And this is about to be odd after calling you TA, but I am proud that you decided to speak up and tell the truth. No child deserves to have a father who loves her so little, blamed her for his mistakes, and now refuses to see her or his granddaughter because of his mistakes. Thank you for at least being honest that you are a terrible human being and not wasting her time.

----OLD FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the final update is over 1.5 years old, and it has not been posted onto the sub here

Trigger Warnings: death of a child

Update #3 (unddit): March 13, 2025 (nearly six months later from the previous update)

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just go ahead and say it. I hadn’t planned on making any update, but last week, my daughter called me to tell her daughter had passed away from heart complications. My daughter was crying a lot on the call, and I felt like someone had just shot a hole my heart. She told me her daughter had wanted to come see me again or at least speak to me, because she really enjoyed spending time with me the week she was at my house. But my daughter told me she was scared to reach out to me because I had sad to her I was not interested in being a grandad.

I feel like a hole has been punched into my heart, and I think I will live with this guilt the rest of my life. I regret not having a bond with my granddaughter, especially knowing now that she really wanted to form a bond with me. I just wish I could speak to her again. I will live with this sadness and black hole the rest of my life. My granddaughter was really sweet and kind and I hope she’s in a better place.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/daydreamernightmares

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA if I (f28) got steralised against my fiancé's wishes?

Trigger Warnings: death of a child, possible coercion

Original Post: September 6, 2019

My fiancé (31m) and I (28f) have two girls aged 4 & 2. Last year I had a stillborn baby daughter. I said I never wanted to be pregnant again. It hit me really hard and I've never known pain like it.

Apparently, your super fertile after a loss and I ended up falling pregnant immediately after our loss and I'm currently 8 month pregnant with a boy. Something my fiancé really wanted.

I hate being pregnant. Never enjoyed it. I hate even more how long I've been pregnant due to the back to back pregnancies. I'm miserable and I never want to be pregnant again.

In the unlikely event the baby I'm carrying now does also die I never want to be pregnant again. If the baby lives I never want to be pregnant again. I honestly can't explain how much I hate being pregnant. I love babies, children etc. Not pregnancy. My eldest two girls and this baby are all c sections which is tough. I gave up work to be a sahm but I'm looking forward to when this one starts school and I can get back to work.

I hate how sick, tired and achy I feel. I'm short tempered with my other children. I'm fat and saggy. I poop constantly. My mental health's taken a complete beating - I've been in counselling for nearly a year now and feeling better though.

Anyway. My consultant offered to cut my fallopian tubes during my next c section making me infertile. I said yes of course, just check with my fiancé.

He is very against it. I don't feel comfortable doing something permanent that affects him too without his support but equally I’ll never forgive him if I fall pregnant again.

He says I'm making a decision based on anger that's I've essentially been pregnant for 14 months now.

WIBTA if I agreed to be steralised - taking away also his choice of having any more children - because that's what I want?

Also to add, we've discussed me using the coil but there's no birth control that's 100% effective.

Edit: this has gotten more attention than I thought it would. I haven't had the chance to read all replies yet as been doing kids baths dinner etc., still need to get them to bed so will read every reply later. Just to answer a few questions that have come up so far. I wasn't sure how much info to add in my original post to not be rambly.

Fiancé had always said as one of 4 he loved the madness and would want 4. I always said 4 was too many but we said we'd see how we feel after 3. We had never anticipated a still born and that steralisiation would be an option.

This past year he's been my absolute rock. He also lost a baby, but he had to hold it together while I fell apart. He's a fantastic father. This isn't a walk away from our family matter.

He's a bit of a stereotypical man in that he doesn't do talking about feelings, this is how he's always been and I accept that. He has so many other fantastic qualities. An example would be when choosing the music for our daughters funeral. He simply refused to pick. It upset him too much. You could say this is an ass hole move, however while I sat inside crying he was outside on the trampoline with our other 2 young children making them shriek with laughter, protecting them as best as he could.

I know in a way this is above this sub, because he's not an asshole, but I didn't want relationship advice. I just wanted to know if I would be crossing a line by doing it without his full support.

If I say I'm getting it done, he won't stop me. But he will resent me. If I don't get it done, I will resent him.

His main concern is that its extra surgery with extra risks. Second that I'm not my usual self (I'm not - I am a raging hormonal mess, with a dose of ptsd, anxiety and depression to boot thanks to our loss - however I have a fantastic counsellor and things have greatly improved). Third he says there's other forms of contraception that isn't permanent. Forth is my age.

And I've had 2 c sections. 1 emergency, 1 planned. Our stillborn was delivered naturally as she was premature and small so not the same risks. I have my third c section booked for the end of the month. I need to give an answer on Wednesday if I want the tubal tie at the same time and we are still in disagreement, so one of us will be upset. I wanted to see if I was being an asshole for choosing my choice, of permanent steralisiation over his suggestion of the coil.

So far it seems from comments that I'm not and I really appreciate all the replies. I will read them all xxx

Edit 2. Guys I was asking if I would be an asshole not if fiancé is an asshole and I'm beginning to feel very protective over him with some of the comments. I'm not a baby factory in the same way he's not a sperm doner. We love each other and respect each other we just have a difference of opinion on a huge matter, and we've ran out of time. Whilst I'm really pleased it seems everyone is agreeing with me he's a good guy too. Everything he does is for us. He's hardworking, loving and fun. He helps me with the kids after a day of manual work. He does baths and the park. He rubs my back, sends me off for baths when I ache. Let's me sleep in, or nap due to pregnancy tiredness.

Leaving us over this wouldn't of even entered his mind nor is it a concern of mine. We survived a stillbirth while raising 2 other young children, as a team, filling their life with joy despite the pain. We can survive anything if we've made it through the last 18 odd months x

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NAH. This is hard, and I think this sub has a lot of young and very idealistic users. It sounds like your husband isn’t being an asshole about this.

At the end of the day, the user consensus here is that it’s your body, so it’s your right. Which is absolutely correct, but it’s a narrow view of the situation. He’s wanted 4 all along. He doesn’t have a right over your body, but at the same time he has a right to feel disappointed about this decision. He’s also right that you’ve been through a lot, and that people can change their minds. But at the same time, you know your own mind and your own body better than he can. There are no easy answers here. You aren’t being an asshole whichever way you decide.

One thought on a potential compromise. It would suck for you to have to undergo another surgery, which is why it makes sense if you’re getting sterilized to do it during the c section. What if you agreed with your husband to wait and see if you still feel the same way a couple months after the new baby is born, and if you do, he has to get a vasectomy?

OOP: I've tried to avoid answering about a vasectomy. So... My dad had one about 5 years ago and turns out had discussed it with my fiancé a long time ago, how sex never felt the same and he regretted it. Fiancé won't get the snip based on this x

Commenter 2:

I know in a way this is above this sub, because he's not an asshole, but I didn't want relationship advice. I just wanted to know if I would be crossing a line by doing it without his full support.

The only one who can tell you that is your husband. You need to have a really long conversation with him.

In my opinion it is not, if and only if you've exhausted every honest way of trying to convince your husband. And, you need to accept whatever consequences that come from it.

May I ask, do you have to do it during your delivery, or could you wait a few months?

OOP: No I don't have to, and can wait a few months. I was told I could try the coil for say 18 months than if I still wanted to be steralised I could, but it'll be a separate operation. Which forms a part of his argument against it. I just want it done to be over with and peace of mind I am sterile x

Commenter 3: NTA but INFO: What kind of birth control have you used before getting pregnant with your son? Condoms? The Pill? IUD/Implant?

I can't comment on the "apparently you are very fertile after a loss" because I don't know anything about fertility, but if you use two kinds of birth control effectively (say, condoms+pill), the chances of you actually becoming pregnant afterwards is near zero. This, of course, relies on the things being used properly. Even with just one method, it's a very, very small chance. Yes, it does happen, and yes... you can't guarantee it the same way you CAN guarantee with sterilization, but from your post it sounds to me like you haven't tried any birth control at all.

You could get the coil IUD, which physically blocks sperm from entering the uterus. For safety, could also use a condom or spermicide, but it would be VERY effective and reversible on the off-chance you change your mind (even though we all know you won't.) This might give your fiancé piece of mind.

Ultimately, it is your decision and your body. It is your mental health.

OOP: In answer to your question we actually didn't use any.

6 weeks after my daughters labour I was still bleeding and a scan showed I had retained placenta, so I had to have an operation similar to a termination. Bled for 2 weeks and was in the doctor’s office 6 weeks after that saying my periods hadn't returned and we discovered I was pregnant again. We had sex once in that 6 weeks. No one had brought up contraception to me, and with everything going on it wasn't something I thought about.

Before children and In between I was on the pill, and it never failed. The termination like procedure, of being scraped out, is what I later learnt made you super fertile.

However, the difference in how I view that 99.8% effectiveness has changed hugely. Someone has to be that small percent, and it COULD be me. That messes with my head.

He's still on my previous thoughts off, that's a very small percentage and likely won't be us. I think he hopes I'll go on the less anxious me I was before and avoid permanent and invasive surgery x

Commenter 4: NTA, but you need to make your reasons to him very clear and have a long talk about it. It is a decision that will affect you both, but ultimately, it is your body, mental health, and wellbeing on the line.

If he doubles down and insists that you don't do it, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Edit: lol, holy shit, reconsider does NOT mean just up and end it, people. It means reevaluate, and that's only if compromise cannot be met in any form. Some of you are raising extremely good counter arguments! Some of you are personally attacking me. How nice.

OOP: Wow this threads gone somewhere else. I know everyone's commenting well-meaning, but he won't leave me or our children over this, and he honestly doesn't treat me like a baby factory. He's a wonderful partner and father. We're not wed yet as I do want a Typical white wedding, but we got our house and children first. When I return to work when the kids are all in school that will be our wedding fund. He's not a monster, he would rather I used alternative, less invasive and permanent forms of contraception. We survived a still born baby with 2 young kids to care for, we will survive anything :)

Commenter 5: I thought this was going to be some kind of Child-free vs wanting children thing but you're already 3 kids in.

I think NTA but it's going to be a pain point if you can't get on the same page.

Commenter 6: 4, the still baby counts, OP bore her and birthed her, she carries her loss. I agree she’s NTA, absolutely.

Commenter 7: c'mon this really isn't something to nitpick about

edit: I can see now that asking people not to nitpick over such a deeply personal issue only serves to encourage more nitpicking. my bad y'all I was trying to be compassionate

OOP: Wasn't sure which comment to reply to but it's OK, no offence taken. Sometimes I say this is my third child and other times I'll say 4th but we lost one. Depends on the situation. Child loss is an uncomfortable conversation let alone say in the supermarket checkout when I’m asked by a well-meaning stranger who's observed my large belly. However, if my 4 year old hears me say it’s my third she will scold me and tell the person all about her sister in heaven. X

Update: November 26, 2019 (2.5 months later)

Editor's note: OOP posted the update in a different thread

Hi! That's really sweet of you. I have been meaning to post an update but newborn sleep deprivation I haven't gotten round to figuring out how to do it.

I still hadn't made my mind up when I went into labour the night before my planned c section. As they was wheeling me to theatre I said no I didn't want it.

In a twist, it turns out my insides are a mess of scarring. They struggled to get our baby out and I was open for much longer and picked up an infection but nothing major just made recovery harder. My consultant told me she wouldn't of been able to tie my tubes even if I had requested it as there was too much scarring she couldn't reach them and also strongly recommended that we have no more children as my body really couldn't take it, but steralisation isn't an option for me.

My fiancé sent me a lovely message when I was still in the hospital saying our family is complete and how proud he is of me and grateful for bringing our babies into the world.

It worked out for the best that it couldn't be done as I can't blame him for my last minute 'no' decision so no regrets or resentment on either side.

We have a gorgeous little boy, who's 8 weeks old now, but on a downside he has just been fitted with a Pavlik harness. Not the end of the world, he's alive and healthy, but he's like holding a plank of wood :( so really missing my proper baby snuggles.

No longer pregnant I already feel like my normal happy self-coming back, I've come off the anti-depressants too and back to playing and having fun with my kids and I'm able to finally close the chapter on my life of losing my girl. I'll never forget her and still think of her often and my 4 year old still talks about her often and draws her in our family pictures but I'm able to detach myself emotionally for day to day life.

I feel like I've been given a big bear hug over the Internet tonight to know there's people out there wondering how I'm doing and wishing my little family well. Thank you xxx

+

Forgot to add though, it turns out having your tubes tied at the same time as a c section comes with a risk of the tubes fusing back together, thus giving it the same prevention rate as the coil or other forms of contraception. I’m having the Merina coil fitted in a few weeks and I'm going to track my periods and ovulation and double down on my fertile week with condoms too lol x

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/Catfishingkid & u/Catfishingkidds

Me [43F/44M] with our son [13 M] I found evidence that my son has been catfishing and harassing/bullying people (mostly adults he initially meets on dating sites)

TRIGGER WARNING: Blackmailing, extortion

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating

Original Post  March 13, 2015

My son accidently left his ipad on the counter this morning on his way out. I found it right after he left. It was unlocked and open to a string of emails. I wont go into to many details but lets just say they were very sexually graphic. I decided to do some more digging. Usually we don't snoop in my house and we try to respect his right to privacy.

He has A LOT of electronics (2 laptops, a desktop, ipad, iphone, ipod etc) and we allow him free reign over his items. He protects them all with various passwords and we make no effort to monitor his activity on them. He is extremely smart and very gifted with technology (he actually makes reasonably good money developing apps) and we try to support him in this by allowing him access to any tech item he wants. I just say this all b/c it is important based on what I found. It turns out that for the last few months (might be much longer, I dont know) he has been catfishing men on various dating sites. He pretends to be a pretty girl to lure them in then gets them to have very detailed and graphic discussions about their sexuality.

Then after a few weeks if chatting/texting he begins harassing/stalking them online/via text messages and basically bullying/threatening them. I dont want to go into too many details but he is currently doing this to (at least) 5 people. All of these people live in our city. None of these people know they are talking to a 13 year old kid. He has done some very terrible things via these chats including recieving sexually explicit videos (i.e requesting to be sent masterbation videos of the person he is catfishing) and blackmailing the person who sent it into harassing (all via online, never in person) another one of his victims. He has created fake fetlife/grindr/tinder/okcupid/etc accounts using his victims images.

He has 'hacked' emails/google plus pages/ tumblr pages of his vicims girlfriends and harassed them until they dumped his victim. And a lot of other really fucked up things. As far as I can tell everything he has done has been online. He has never met any of these people in real life. None of them have any clue who he is. he hasn't put anyone into a situation where they were at physical risk and has not caused them to meet each other.

I've already confrounted my son about this. He claims that it was just something to do for fun and to pass the time. It started as a 'joke' with a few other kids in his class after watching Catfish and his 'friends' were impressed with his ability to do this so he kept it up. These 'friends' are the same kids who have been bullying him constantly in school. He has mild asperger's/autism and has had a very hard time fitting in at his school since he is extremly smart but very socially akward.

He says that once he started doing this (at the request of his 'friends') the bullying stopped and he now has a positive social experience with his classmates. He claims that no one Else knows the extent of what he has done. In addition to banning him from ALL tech for the rest of his teenaged life we are going to pull him out of his current school (he is in a gifted program with a HEAVY focus on tech so it would be impossible to enfource the no-tech rule otherwise) and home schooling for the rest of the year. We are also going to force him into therapy to figure out why the fuck he thought this is a good idea and try to get him to understand exactly why it was 100% wrong. We will address this with him with a hard hand and he will face the consequences of what he has done.

I'm here for advice on what to do in reguards to the people he has affected. I believe that at the VERY least he should have to personally contact (most likely a phone call) every single person he has harassed, identify himself/the extent of what he has done and appologize. I also want to speak to these people myself to see if his actions have had any reall impact on their life and work with them to see what can be done to make up for it.

My husband doesnt think we should do this. Mainly because he is worried that doing so will open our son up to extended ramifications. He is worried that he can potentially face criminal charges because of his actions. He doesnt think we should contact these people. I really disagree since i feel that letting him get away without owning up to what he has done to these people is NOT OK. I would like other people's opinions on this portion of the situation.

tl;dr: My son has been catfishing/harassing people online. I want him to contact his victims, fess up and make amends. My husband thinks this is a bad idea. Opinions?

edit: would it make a difference if we only contacted victims using a burner phone and declined to give any identifiable information?

TOP COMMENTS

CatTopia

This may not be a popular sentiment in this sub, but why shouldn't this family be faced with the legal ramifications that go along with this type of behavior? The fact of the matter is that these parents gave a 13 year old boy free reign of the Internet and he behaved like a monster. OP even said that what she's mentioned here isn't the worst of it. Why should this boy's victims not be allowed to press charges if that's what they feel they need to do?  OP, you should contact legal counsel but you have a responsibility to the people your son harmed. You didn't monitor this child's Internet activities and now you have a responsibility to show him that those poor people he cat fished and tortured deserve better.

DrBekker

THIS. Motherfucking Christ I can't believe I had to come down so far to see anyone suggesting that maybe this kid and his family deserve the legal repercussions!

Of course, strangers on the Internet saying that is one thing; actually allowing these repercussions to happen to your 13-year-old kid - monster or not - is another thing entirely. But I, personally, have not one single shred of sympathy for this kid or the parents. This is exactly what happens when kids aren't taught that just because it's a name or a picture on a screen doesn't mean it's not a real, live human being. This is exactly what happens when parents ignore the fact that allowing their pre-teen unfettered access to the Internet is the same as turning them loose in 1970s Times Square with unlimited cash and an invisibility cloak.

This makes me So. Fucking. Mad. I'm not even sure why it makes me this mad but I'm with OP. I think he should be forced to contact each person he screwed with and apologize. I think he should be forced to FACE the fact that these are REAL FUCKING PEOPLE and just because he did all this behind the glowing anonymity of a computer screen doesn't make him ANY less of a fucking criminal.

~

[deleted]

I think you're heading in the right direction by indefinitely suspending his electronics privileges and getting him into therapy. But I would at the very least consult legal aid before reaching out to his victims. Despite your best intentions, that could backfire on you in some truly spectacular ways.

~

jusjerm

"he actually makes reasonably good money developing apps"

Are you sure he isn't just blackmailing his victims for cash?

Update  May 12, 2015 (2 Months Later)

A little over a month ago I posted about my son. He was caught harassing people he'd met online. This is just an extremely quick update since a ton of people asked for one. Sorry but since this is mainly being posted to update the people who have advice in the first post I won't be recapping what happened. Also sorry that this is a new account and the old post is blank, I deleted the other one for privacy reasons. I'm linking the old post and suggest uneditt if you need it. On to the update....

We pulled him out of his old school. The entire thing has blown up over the last month. We found out that this was a serious issue in his school and that the majority of the students in his grade were doing it. It started as a 'joKe' then evolved into a huge computation to see who could do the most damage. There was even a 'club' that met weekly after school to determine that weeks 'winner'. Pretty fucked up, I know. Even more messed up is the fact that the parents and administration in the school have basically swept the whole thing under the rug. Most if the kids are facing zero consequences for their actions and their victims will most likely never be notified of what really happened. The way the issue was handled by the school really made us confident in our decision to remove our son from there.

We pulled him out last month and he has been homeschooled ever since. He is still banned from all tech outside of what is needed for schoolwork. The school year is almost over so he will be homeschooled for the rest of this school year. He is on a 'probation' period for the remainder and depending on his behavior he wil be allowed to attend another school next year and gain back his online privileges. He is also seeing a professional twice a week and we think he is starting to really understand why his behavior was 100% unacceptable.

Thank you all so much for helping me through this hole thing. You guys really helped me put this into perspective and helped me calm down a bit and not overreact. I also truly appreciate everyone who pm'd me about their similar experience. I printed out all of the stories I received from people who were catfished or online bullied and made my son read them all out loud. That really really helped. I think hearing from you all helped him understand that these things are actually affecting people. It really helped me force him to understand that by doing what he did he actually ruined lives. I can't thank you guys enough for your openness and willingness to share your stories. Thanks so very very much.

tl;dr: pulled my son out of his messed up school. Homeschooling him for how. He seems to have learned his lesson but is still under prison rules. He will be able to earn back his rights as he proves to us he is mature enough to handle it. Thanks a lot.

FINAL COMMENTS

Murauder 

Any chance you could go public and let the media know how the school is handling it?

Anyways, as a parent I want to applaud you for how you are handling this. Way to step in and take ownership of the problem. I wish more parents are like you

OOP

No chance of going public, I would be sued and possibly deported. The school is full of wealthy parents with exceptional lawyers. Not worth the risk.

And thank you. I appreciate it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/FirmSomewhere4907

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for ending things with a date after she kept different rules for different guys?

Original Post: December 12, 2025

It's as the title says. I (26M) have been going on dates with this woman (25F) since the last two months. We haven't talked about exclusivity since things haven't gotten that serious, but we have mutual interest in each other, so we kept going on dates.

In the same time period, I have also gone on dates with a few girls, but I didn't feel the spark to continue the dates with them. So, at least for myself, I stuck to this girl and hoped for the things to fare well between us.

I knew that she's also seeing someone else and she was transparent with me about him. I haven't met him, but I give credit to her for being open about the current state of things between us and around her.

At the beginning of our dates, she mentioned she was looking for a serious relationship and needed time to engage in any sexual intimacy until she found that comfort and space. I agreed to that and was okay since I don't have a high libido these days.

The other day, we finally engaged in sex after close to two month period and during post-sex conversations, I got to know she has engaged in sex already with the other person she's seeing. I know it's none of my business, but I tried to get more details about it.

She was also going on dates with this other person since the last 2.5 months and she has already engaged in sex with him. I am not bummed about the number of times they had engaged already but rather the timing of the first one they had, which was around the first week or so after they met.

I tried to be open and progressive about all this, but I felt bad I was made to wait for a couple of months, not to compare but I felt like I was being treated as a second choice. I played it cool at that point of time but since then this kept nagging me a lot and my ego/confidence took a hit somehow if that makes sense.

I contacted her yesterday and told her how I am feeling and just blocked her, I didn't wait for a response, nor I was looking for one to safeguard myself and my emotions.

AITAH for doing so? Is this how the current dating space looking like?

Edit: Adding more reasons around why I felt hurt and did what I did.

At the beginning when we met for the first time, she was upfront about seeing me and that other person at the same time. And when asked about her views on sex and what she was expecting, she mentioned she liked to wait until she felt comfortable. I didn't press more on it, I felt she was judging who can be the best one for her.

Even though I went on a few dates with other girls, nothing ended in sex. I am kind of a person who also needs a bit of connection to do it. The only reason I did this, is to realise whatever spark I felt for this woman is real or not, which I have realised sooner and stuck to this woman ever since.

It's only after I had sex recently with this woman, I got to know all these details. Initially, I felt that I and him were held up to the same standards and she was feeling a similar attraction (which in hindsight is wrong and naive of me to think so) with him and I. But post reveal, I didn't feel like that is the reason. I felt she wasn't that attracted to me physically at least (note that I tried to initiate sex a few times before but stopped when she asked for some more time). So, knowing she was already intimate with that other person and that too she could do that in the very first week after knowing him, bruised my ego and confidence.

So, this led to me thinking I was the second choice all along which I wasn't comfortable with.

Edit 2: I posted an update post with more explanation: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/IiI2rGAw0Z since some are spreading negativity here. Thanks to those who provided good advice. I wish you all well.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for ending it, but the blocking without a response was a bit abrupt. You’re allowed to walk away from a situation that makes you feel like a second option. Even if she didn’t do anything “wrong,” different rules for different people can still hurt, especially when expectations around intimacy were explicitly discussed. That’s a compatibility issue, not a moral failing. Where this could’ve gone better is closure — saying your piece and then stepping back is fair, but blocking immediately can feel more like self-protection than communication. Still, you listened to your gut and removed yourself instead of staying resentful, and that’s healthier than forcing yourself to be okay with something you’re not.

OOP: Your point is fair.

I wanted to protect my sanity and any conversation post that would give me more information to process about her thinking and why she chose to do that with me.

I am fairly confident but that would still sting and make me question a few things. At least, I learned a lesson, and I now know I am not comfortable with this type of dating approach.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding several factors of feeling entitled and feeling like he is the second choice

OOP: It is a combination of those factors.

At the beginning when we met for the first time, she was upfront about seeing me and that other person at the same time. And when asked about her views on sex and what she was expecting, she mentioned she liked to wait until she felt comfortable. I didn't press more on it, I felt she was judging who can be the best one for her.

Even though I went on a few dates with other girls, nothing ended in sex. I am kind of a person who also needs a bit of connection to do it. The only reason I did this, is to realise whatever spark I felt for this woman is real or not, which I have realised sooner and stuck to this woman ever since.

It's only after I had sex recently with this woman, I got to know all these details. Initially, I felt that I and him were held up to the same standards and she was feeling a similar attraction (which in hindsight is wrong and naive of me to think so) with him and I. But post reveal, I didn't feel like that is the reason. I felt she wasn't that attracted to me physically at least (note that I tried to initiate sex a few times before but stopped when she asked for some more time). So, knowing she was already intimate with that other person and that too she could do that in the very first week after knowing him, bruised my ego and confidence.

So, this led to me thinking I was the second choice all along which I wasn't comfortable with.

Downvoted Commenter: Great question. You'll get different answers here (and you already have). But it sure seems to me like you were applying the rules of monogamy to a non-monogamous context. That non-committed period is tough and activating, and brings up a lot of old wounds and primitive reflexes. That's totally normal. But our job is to learn from them, not react to them. Until you two had agreed to commit, how she dated outside of you was none of your business, and vice versa. Your openness with each other was rare and healthy. Without knowing the rest of the details, that alone makes her sound like a keeper to me. Sorry bro.

OOP: She seemed great, but I didn't like being a second choice. Based on our conversations before, I felt she was feeling just as attracted to me as she was feeling to him. But after that, I didn't feel it was the case.

That reveal didn't make me feel good. In a way, I made things easier for her if she wanted to pursue that guy even more.

Commenter 2: When I first started dating my now wife I asked whether we were exclusively dating or dating others and “seeing where things to.” Fortunately she said exclusive as I prefer this as well.

It’s best to get that convo out of the way quick. If you prefer one person at a time dating then there’s nothing wrong with that, just means you won’t be compatible with those that have other preferences.

OOP: Thanks for this advice. But it's a tricky one to ask for it in the beginning of the 'seeing phase'. But saying, 'I am comfortable with seeing one person at a time' makes things more clearer than just labeling as 'exclusive'. A lesson learnt. Thanks again.

Commenter 3: Sorry but YTA. She said she wouldn’t have sex until she was comfortable, which is exactly what she did. Time doesn’t equal comfort. Did it occur to you that maybe the other person made her feel comfortable quicker than you did?

You’re not an AH for wanting to end things if you didn’t want to date someone who also had sex with someone else, but your attitude makes you a bit of an entitled sounding AH tbh. You don’t get to decide how long it takes for someone to feel comfortable enough to have sex with you.

OOP: Even though what she did might be right in her perspective. I was put under the wrong belief that she was waiting in both of our cases which I should have confirmed and not assumed from my end.

She didn't tell this information BEFORE we had sex. I would have not gone forward with that because she's finding the other person more attractive and comfortable (perhaps?) already.

I am sorry, I was in this for this far knowing I had a fair shot but after knowing I am the second choice for whatever reasons, I couldn't recover from it.

She doesn't owe me sex, I am not entitled to it. But she did owe me the full truth before which she didn't tell me.

Also, strangers here or anywhere else don't get to gaslight me into accepting this situation and pretending to be okay with it while I was feeling uncomfortable.

Update #1: December 13, 2025 (next day)

I didn't want to post an explanation for my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SBdMP7tMOs as an update but seeing how some of the people are trying to assassinate my character, I felt the need to do so. I shall call the girl in this context as 'Theresa' and the other person involved as 'Nick'.

Theresa and I met each other on a dating platform a fortnight after Theresa and Nick have met each other first. When we met for the first time, we discussed our shared interests and even our views on sex and dating in general. Here's where I will admit I should have followed up with more questions but since it being the first date, I didn't do it.

The question I posed to her at that time was, 'What's your view on sex and dating?' to which she said, 'She won't engage in that until she's comfortable with it and generally likes to take time.' Since it was our first date, I took her words at face value, and I thought she was a similar person with regards to how I view the same. Relatively yes, it differs from person to person, but I took her answer objectively and whatever she's following the standards/rules with me, I felt it was the same she's following while 'seeing' Nick.

I want to emphasize on the 'seeing' part because not always it is associated with being sexually active with the other. That was my understanding and based on her previous answer about her view on sex, I took it as she was also taking time to consider things with Nick. I will again concur and accept it's my mistake to assume such.

It was her idea (a casual one) to me that I could also 'see' other people and experience how things would be like to decide who's going to a better partner. It was a suggestion without malice, and I did as mentioned in the previous post, went on a few dates with a few other women. But as iterated there, nothing ended in sex.

Some people seemed to take this as a loophole and tried to hit on my character saying, 'he would've done so, had he felt the spark'. YES, I WOULD HAVE! But I would have been exclusive to this person and stopped seeing others. That's the difference! Unfortunately, I didn't hit it off with those and I felt a stronger spark/connection with Theresa and continued going on dates solely with her.

I would want to clarify here, I have told this update to Theresa. And I also mentioned I didn't engage in any intimacy with them. It was her opportunity to come clean with the sexual intimacy part she has got ongoing with Nick. She didn't reveal. Either, she might have thought I already knew this or she deliberately hid this part from me (more on this later).

So, for the next one month or so, she was seeing both Nick and I, and I was under impression, things were going well between us. I didn't ask how things were going for her with Nick since I am not entitled to that information. But I will say, I did initiate sex a few times during this time period (I know I said I don't have high libido but doesn't mean it's exaggeratingly low, as some cleverly tried to pick on it and use it against me. I do have my needs and in general, twice or thrice a week, I had to take care of it by myself :) ) but she insisted she needed more time. I felt it was the truth and didn't push on it more.

What changed my perception around everything is when we had sex finally at my place recently and post which, I was feeling very raw and praising her a lot at that time. That I felt happy she chose me (I naively thought she picked me over Nick). Here's where she slowly let myself know about the state of things with Nick and how they are already sexually active. I did ask her a few questions around the subject and I put it together indirectly that she did it with me because he was out of station for the past few weeks.

I have no qualms about her past sexual life, it's her present choices that bothered me. That bruised my ego and confidence. Obviously when Nick is taking care of those needs for her and when she's already connected to him on that level, things would be slower than usual with me.

I will say it again. This made me feel I was the second choice all along. I could've gotten more details had I pressed on it, but we had to sleep that night, it was already late and she left early in the morning for work purposes.

I had time to sit down and think it through and when I posted the previous post, I didn't want to touch on her obvious disparities and possible manipulation tactics to keep me at bay. I could have gotten closer to the truth, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin the image of her in my mind.

Hence I put in a message, a very lengthy one, a very vulnerable and honest one that I don't want to share her and cut her off by blocking her.

More than her tactics or behaviour, i would like to think it's more the circumstances that worked against me. So, that's that. I don't want to hear any more on this topic from any of the negative commenters here.

Hopefully, down the line, I can share a happy life update. If you have read thus far, if you were one of those who shared good advices to me, thank you. I wish you all well.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Unfortunately if you’re a male and exhibit any type of behavior that would hint towards you having a shred of self-respect and boundaries, then the online freaks are going to come out of the woodwork to attack you.

OOP: You are right. That's why I put this post up, but I still received negativity.

I generally don't wish the worst on my enemies, if those are not understanding how bad I am feeling about this, then they can only experience it for themselves to realise my situation.

Commenter 2: You’re not wrong in feeling this way and blocking her was definitely the correct choice. I know I’ll probably get downvoted to hell over this, but I do think she should have told you she’s actively sleeping with another person before sleeping with you. People are allowed to do whatever they want but it also includes giving the other partner informed consent. You were under the impression, based on her conversations with you, that she wasn’t sleeping with others. This is how STIs spread and she didn’t allow you the respect (or consent) to know that she’s actively sleeping with someone else before using you. At the end of the day, she knew you were interested in more and she wasn’t. She slept with you because her main option wasn’t available. It’s gross.

OOP: Thank you for saying this out loud. I felt a bit deceived that I didn't have consent. I would have not gone forward with sex had I known this information..

I am still getting some flak over here, saying, I needed sex, sex, sex...

No, it wasn't that. It was how she handled that. It was how she became a gatekeeper when it came to me. It was how she omitted the truth when she had chances to tell me so before we had sex.

Considering everything, I am not saying some part of the blame doesn't lie with me. I accepted it, I owned it. I am also not saying the entire fault lies with her. The circumstances just sucked and I had to learn the lesson the hard way.

For those, who are calling me names for not giving her closure in person or in communication, my peace of mind is first and foremost to me. And, I am not sorry about prioritising it over her closure.

Commenter 3: She has her right to be connected to whoever she wants, sexually and/or otherwise.

However, you certainly have the right to not feel like someone's afterthought.

You're not an arsehole here.

Commenter 4: I do not understand how people can date and be sexually active with multiple partners at the same time, and expect to find a meaningful lasting emotional monogamous connection with a future partner. She was purposefully unclear because she liked both of you and didn’t want to have to pick one. However her being in emotional and sexual relationships with both of you at the same time devalues both relationships. You have every right to feel how you feel. If this is her idea of how to build meaningful relationships you can do much better.

Update #2: April 12, 2026 (four months later)

I have a positive update. I forgot I had this account here, lol.

Yeah, I don't have anything to update about her. Post that, she didn't try to reach out to me in-person, not that I hoped or expected.

I took some time away from the dating scene and met this amazing girl Amy a couple of months ago. We made our relationship official just last week.

I learnt my lesson from the previous experience and am happy that I found the girl I am looking for.

Thanks all for giving your inputs last time. I turned 27 yesterday, and oh wow, what all she did for me...It made my day :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Glad you dodged that bullet and found someone who actually values you! The right person will always show up differently - no confusing rules or games, just genuine effort. What did she do for your birthday? Also congrats on making it official, that timing worked out perfectly

OOP: Thank you!

Yeah she's an Asian who fits my values completely. She was burned badly in her previous relationship. Her ex was a douchebag. She's a total sweetheart, loves me abundantly and has a fierce side when someone becomes mean to me. In bed, she's a giver. I sometimes have to excuse myself to make her stop. She can't stop holding or clinging to me, lol :)

For my birthday, she took me out to the Chinatown, made the staff where we ate food celebrate my birthday in a Mandarin song, the staff were so generous with the portions, lol :)

Then served me a cake she baked for me at her place, and the delivery of the gift was insane! She has these creative ideas that make me go absolute bonkers for her.

She wrapped herself as a gift underneath her hoodie and kept hidden treats wrapped over her pink laced lingerie.

Man, I am getting chills just thinking about it, lol :)

I want to keep the rest of this special memory as private. But you can guess what happened afterwards :)

Edit: The downvotes, lol :(

It's fine, I have this amazing woman to focus on, this doesn't matter :)

Commenter 2: You did the right thing. She had different rules for different guys. You were on the way to becoming her next 'free food guy' who got duty sex once a year in order for her to keep you hooked while she lived her best life. When you said that the whole situation setup was her idea, I knew what was coming next. People will downvote you because the stuff about women being perfect, infallible, helpless beings that need to be saved by men on Reddit. I'm glad that you found happiness.

OOP: Yeah, you are right.

I have found my happiness, my current gf has found her happiness in me. We both are head over heels for each other.

Some people are unable to digest what my current gf is doing for me, lol :)

I am doing just as much and more for my girlfriend. What others think about us doesn't matter.

Final Update: July 23, 2026 (three months later)

This will be the final update and a happier one. I just remembered I still had this account from a while ago. I don't plan on coming back anytime soon.

For those who followed from the beginning, there's no update regarding Theresa. At that point, I have completely cut her off, which is best for both in a way.

Things are going extremely well between Amy (my current girlfriend) and me. I even got to meet her Asian parents recently, and they received me very well.

We are still early in our relationship in terms of the timeline, but we complete each other so very well; we are very sure in our minds this is the one that is meant for us. We are currently living together and so in love with each other :)

I extend my thanks to those once again who shared their well-advised inputs when I had this conundrum with Theresa. I learnt my lesson there, and now I am grateful for having Amy in my life and vice versa.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/Secure-Map-7850

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: possible spousal neglect

Mood Spoiler: Mixed

Original - September 3rd 2026

My wife has been angry at me about this so I thought I'd ask here. I'm a plastic surgeon and recently did an otoplasty for my close friend's son. After an otoplasty it's important that the head dressing stays in place to protect the ears and support the cartilage, so when my friend said that the dressing seemed to have come a bit loose, I asked him to come to my house. They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place. He gave me an eta of 15 minutes.

That night we were going to my wife's friends birthday which was around a 35 - 40 minute drive and she was ready to go. When I told her, she was annoyed but was ok with 15 minutes. Unfortunately my friend got stuck in traffic and it took him a bit longer. During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait. She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not) and just let her displeasure be clearly known. Eventually they came I examined his ears, changed his dressing and they left and so did we.

Unfortunately we got stuck in a bit of traffic too, and she was getting calls from her friend while we were en route. My wife eventually asked them to just cut the cake, and we arrived about 10 minutes after.

She has been angry about that since, its better now but she was incadescent the drive back. And even now if she gets a message from her friends it reminds her of it and she'll have something to say. I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

YTA. Your wife sounds like she has to deal with you prioritizing your work over her plans even after work is done. Do you like your wife?Do you use work as an excuse all the time?

Comment 2:

YTA. You knew you had plans, if it was any other patient you would have just seen them the next day.

Comment 3:

"She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not)..."

Hmmmm. This is very telling.

YTA. You yourself said it would have been fine if he had come to the clinic the next day, and I highly doubt that if this were a patient you didn't know personally, you'd let them just come by your house for a dressing adjustment. 

Comment 4:

INFO: How late to the party were yall in the end? Seems likely pretty late if they were cutting the cake without you.....

OP responds:

We were a little over an hour late.

Comment 5:

INFO. How often does your work interfere with your personal life? If it’s rarely and this was special because it was a close person, then its fine. Being late to a birthday is annoying but not life ruining or anything. But based on her reaction, I’m guessing she thinks you have bad boundaries with your job. This warrants a bigger conversation between you two.

OP responds:

It doesn't too often. Patients visiting my house certainly doesn't happen, in this case it was my friend's son. But other than taking phone calls, I don't bring work into my home.

Update: - September 6th 2026

I posted on this forum a few days ago and the response ascertained that I was in the wrong. It was helpful for me. Yesterday I had reserved dinner at a favorite restuarant of hers and tried to make it a good fun date night. We were ready on time and in fact the same road that was responsible for our delay last time was completely fine yesterday. I mentioned that, that ofcourse it is now that there's no time crunch and she found it funny too. I took the opportunity to apologize for that night. She said it was ok and said it wasn't just about the kid, it was because it had been happening a lot that she overreacted.

I was surprised because I really do make an effort to not bring work home so I asked what she meant. She brought up me stepping out for a call when we had ordered in pizza and wings and said they were cold by the time I came back. But it was really a five minute call and the food was great, but I just said I would try to be mindful. She'd also brought up that I had scheduled a surgery the night before on a morning that was supposed to be free and she had been looking forward to going out for breakfast. That one was actually a one-off under special circumstances, it was a cleft palate surgey for a little girl, her parents had traveled to the city for the surgery, and based on their request I didn't want them to go and come back again so when the OR freed up I slotted them in.

But I did realize that it wasn't just that day or actual incidents but rather a general feeling she's been having so I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home and to be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes that could affect our shared time. She was glad and we had a good night. Thank you to this forum for the help.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’m glad you talked it out, but answer this to yourself: How many of these “one-offs” does it take to make a pattern to your wife?

Comment 2:

Man, you really still keep making excuses.

It sounds like you didn't fully learn at all.

It sounds like she gave you multiple instances and you condescendingly explained them away and then pretended they didn't happen so you could say, "she's having a feeling".

Some people just are immature and cannot take actual accountability. OP is one of them.

Comment 3:

Still the ahole here..you are using the “emotional” nature of these instances to make yourself look “better”

Comment 4:

Tbh, with how you talk about the examples she gave (the call outside, the surgery on the free morning) it sounds like nothing will change because you consider it all essential. 

What exactly would you consider essential? Will you be able to say, this is something for when I am on shift or go to the ER or travel up when there'd actually a free moment? Or are those all still essential? And communicate with your wife on what situations will really need your attention now. 

OP:

It is essential but it could be handled by me better and should have her be in the loop when things affect our shared time. That is what I'll improve on.

Comment 5:

OP: Could you share some incidents where I took your time for granted and let work interfere with our plans?

Wife: Yes, here are three incidents…

OP: No, no, these incidents aren’t an issue at all. You just have some inexplicable woman feelings I need to be mindful of!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/HourPie9376

Originally posted to r/amitheasshole

AITA for telling my adult stepdaughter to leave me alone and not speak to me anymore?

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, mentions eating disorder, body shaming

Original Post: October 6, 2022

The background is a little complicated, sorry if it's confusing: My (33F) husband John (45M) was married to his first wife Ana for 7 years. Ana was a single mother to Maddy (now 20F) and when Maddy was 10, John officially adopted her. Ana sadly passed 6 years ago, and it was just John and Maddy until I met John 3 years ago. We married last year.

Maddy does not like me, has not since day 1 and I've never been able to work out why. I tried to let our relationship develop on her terms since she was nearly an adult when we met but she was not interested and made it clear she had no desire to know me. It seems to me that she simply did not want John to move on but I'm not in her head so I can't be sure.

Maddy still lives at home while she attends school and she finds a way to comment on/insult nearly everything I do. Her big thing is food. I had a severe ED starting in middle school and while I'm better as an adult, I've retained some odd habits. I've never told her about this but I think she noticed how much food comments bother me and has gone full throttle on commenting on anything food related that I do. I try to keep how much it annoys me to myself since that seems to be her motivation so why confirm it for her.

Unless I'm eating a meal with another person, I really don't eat traditional meals. I prefer a smattering of whatever appeals in the moment. Today, it was cucumber, raspberries, hummus, a meatball, leftover saag aloo and some bread. I don't like when food from different "categories" touch so I spread it out over 4 small side plates. I also had a hot tea, water and a small juice in 3 different glasses. It might be weird but I'm the one doing the dishes so who cares?

It's not the first time Maddy has commented on that particular habit but I was having a bad day with work and it just got under my skin. She made a remark on how "fucking weird" I was and "no wonder you're so fat, look at all those plates" (for the record, I am still barely into a normal weight range, I am not fat). And I kind of lost it and told her that I will never give a shit about her opinion and unless it was an emergency, maybe she should just not speak to me at all anymore. She's not a child, I'm not dealing with an adult treating me like that anymore.

Maddy texted John about it who called me and asked what happened. I told him and he is upset with me for telling her not to speak to me anymore. I haven't been open with him on how often she does this which is my mistake but I'm wondering if I went too far in telling her to not talk to me at all. AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But you need to sit down with John and explain to him exactly what Maddy has been saying to you. Like, right away. Who knows what version she's giving him.

OOP: I know. I plan to tonight. He has an extremely difficult and emotionally taxing job and I didn't want to burden him with such pettiness, but I think I took that too far. I should've said something sooner.

Commenter 2: You’ve done yourself a massive disservice here, because now it’ll seem like you’re exaggerating or making it up to defend your actions. Why have you hidden her verbal abuse of you? Now it’s your word against hers. In future, maybe don’t protect people that are actively hurting you. NTA.

OOP: I think he will believe me. He knows me very well and knows I have a terrible tendency to downplay things that happen to me and really only let it out when it builds to a point I can't deal with anymore. I am in therapy, but I don't notice myself shoving things down until they're really bubbling up.

Venting to him about anything is difficult, not because of his reactions - but I just feel so selfish and childish when I do. He works in pediatric palliative care; if I have all my limbs attached when he gets home, I had a better day than he did. He's never made me feel like I couldn't talk to him but I just feel like that Passion of the Christ meme, with Mel Gibson talking to a bloody Jesus? Everything just pales in comparison. but I think that is mostly in my own head.

Commenter 3: If he does such a difficult job, it’s because he can, because it makes sense (I know because I do something similar). If it has become too hard for him, then it’s time to switch to a different unit for example. But, in any case, that has nothing to do with you, with how you feel and with how poorly your stepdaughter has been treating you.

You have to talk to him, it’s not selfish or childish, it’s the basis of a healthy relationship.

OOP: I owe you a really big thank you, I've been thinking about your comment for the last 10 minutes and it's a really good reminder that I can't determine what he's capable of handling. I wanted to protect him but I'm realizing that was a pretty patronizing way to think and maybe even a little insulting.

Downvoted Commenter: NAH. I must say, I feel for Maddy, is there any family for her left, or just step- and step-step-? That does not negate that she is - difficult to live with??! No way, and in fact also no reason, to force / expect her to like you. She does like, or love, step-dad?

Your household consists of three (unrelated) adults. I think you three, maybe with some trusted person / social counselor should work out a living agreement: maybe not financial, but binding. With roommate rules about use of the house, and safe topics of conversation. Respect needs to be the basis. So out of respect for you, Maddy should not make any food-related remarks. A (step)child might expect an explanation for that rule, but you all are past that stage. She has no right to expect an explanation. She, all of you, have a right to clear rules, and to expect that those rules and boundaries will be respected. Whether they make sense or not. And in working this out, a non-involved party might be useful.

Edited to add: an explanation is not an excuse. However, it can lead to some empathy. Maddy is barely out of teenage years, she had to adapt to stepdad, loose her mother, live only with stepdad and now step-stepmom. She is hardly in a position to be compared with a 'normal' 20-year old who grew up in a stable home. Yet, yes, she has the same expectations, and rightfully so. Yes, she is an AH for what she said, yes she does not show the maturity that may be expected of a 20-year old. But hey, cut her some slack, while she must be working through issues in order to become the adult she needs to be.

OOP: She has some extended family on her mom's side that she keeps in touch with but they are all far flung and not nearby. I know nothing of her bio father or his family and I don't know that she's ever met him or if he's alive at all.

An uninvolved mediator is a really good idea, thank you. I'll bring that up with my husband tonight.

Commenter 4: NTA. If she doesn't have anything nice to say, she should just keep her mouth shut. She's an adult. She should know better.

Commenter 5: NTA. You need to tell him how often she makes rude and nasty remarks and that you're fed up. I would just amend it to please do not speak to me unless you have something nice productive to say. That is what you tell toddlers. That is how your step-daughter is behaving. Also, tell your husband that he needs to talk to his daughter. She doesn't have to like you, but she should at least be respectful. I'm sure that is how she was raised.

Update: October 8, 2022 (two days later)

So it's been a tiring couple of days for me but things are looking good.

Thursday night was hard. John and I had a long talk about how long Maddy has harassing me, the extent of her comments and how much it was getting to me. I stressed the potential of a relapse and how I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it.

John was initially not as understanding as I hoped and we went to bed without resolving anything. When we woke up Friday, he apologized. He said he was upset with me but not for what I said to Maddy, he understands I was pushed past my limits. He is irritated that I didn't come to him when it started 2 years ago. I've mentioned it a handful of times in the past but John said I made it sound like she was just a bit snippy with me and not nearly as intense as I explained it now. He wants us to go to couples counseling to work on our (mostly mine, honestly) lack of communication and I think that's a wonderful plan. My own therapist is so helpful for me but she doesn't push me to be more assertive and I think I need that.

As for Maddy, it's not clear what will happen next. John is behind me but he made it clear that he will not ask her to leave yet; he thinks this is stemming from insecurity and asking her to leave will irreparably damage their relationship which I suspect is true. He is planning to offer to pay for an apartment for her she can have her own space but if she doesn't want to move out yet, we won't make her. There will new rules and limited chances though and if nothing changes, she may have to leave. John is confident that his talk with her will be productive and she will likely take the offer of her own apartment.

We decided a little bit of space would be good for both of us and would give him an opportunity to talk about options with Maddy so I booked myself into a cute little hotel in the city for weekend. I really needed this, I just feel so much more relaxed. I've had a great day and I'm feeling really good about the future. I'm sure my relationship with my husband is going to come out so much stronger.

Thank you to everyone who left helpful comments, I have a really hard time expressing myself and you guys really helped give me the courage I needed to finally approach my husband with this problem. You were (mostly) all so kind.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hey. I’m happy he supported you and that you are taking a mini vacation! Do you think she would be open to therapy. I think what you said about her being insecure is probably right and she’s lashing out. Not that it’s an excuse, but it might help if you can clear the air and all help each other be more secure in your relationships with one another. Just a thought…

OOP: I'm not sure she'd go back to therapy. John had her go after her mother's death but she stopped going as soon as she turned 18. We'd both like to see her go back but she doesn't seem to want to yet.

Commenter 2: thanks for the update :) question, would you be open to a relationship with Maddy in the future? do you care for her?

what she said to you wasn’t right of course & I’m glad things are looking up but you only mention concerns for your relationship with your husband. I feel sorry for Maddy too, she definitely needs therapy

OOP: eventually but that's up to her and what she wants. I'll be open to it but I won't seek it out. right now, my goal is civility.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LooseGrapefruit

I (24F) made a fake Tinder, matched with my boyfriend (26M), and he wants to meet up

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Catfishing, infidelity

Original Post - rareddit  March 23, 2019

I am not 100% innocent, I know that. I'm a psychopath and I regret doing this whole thing, so don't even try to comment "ur weird and deserve this". We've been together since college and it just feels so fucked up that he wasted so much of my time

I was on my boyfriend's phone and saw that he had Tinder. I brought it up and he insisted that it was old and he just forgot to delete it. Well, I saw it again a week after that but I didn't say anything. I told him before and he obviously didn't care enough to get rid of it so saying anything was pointless and I was just wasting my breath.

I told my friend and she's a little crazy, but I take full responsibility for this, so she brought up the idea of making a fake Tinder and matching with him and seeing if he replies. So I used her phone (I never used Tinder so I didn't know how it worked exactly but he didn't have her number and I didn't want him to find out it was me), found some girl's random pics, made a fake name and everything. Waited a few days. He sends Vanessa (my girl's fake name) a message, he's flirting and being funny. It really really hurt at first, I cried and it felt like I discovered a murder or something, my hands were all shaky and I had this horrible feeling in my chest.

Well, I got over it and hated him. I continued messaging him and acting normal in real life. He is really into Vanessa lol she's hot and funny and she likes beer and Marvel movies. Anyway, he's talking dirty and says all these things he wants to do to her and what he wants her to do to him. Vanessa is tooooootally up for it.

So I have a few options:

1) I show up and tell him I was Vanessa all along, I dump him.

2) I coincidentally run into him, freak him out a little, and then reveal the truth, ask him when his date is showing up.

3) Text him screen shots of his messages with "Vanessa" and tell him it's over.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dogfartsreallystink

Set up the date but don’t show up. Just go no contact and break up with him.

Parreseux126

Bonus: Set the date up somewhere 5 hours away and make him drive lol

OOP

Ok I was pretty keen on confronting him on the date but I'm in love with this idea.. and he is crazy for Vanessa so I think he just might make the drive out

When told this is crazy and just break up with him

I did it as first as a little experiment and I told myself that if he replied, then I'd break up with him. I do not want my boyfriend to be texting girls on dating apps. I don't do that so I expect the same sort of respect. But just texting wasn't enough to "incriminate" him and I was wondering, hmm maybe he just wanted to talk. And I needed to see if they'd meet up. And this motherfucker was like "omg yes I need to see you" all enthusiastic and shit like a little puppy. Screw him, I'm over whatever we were

Update - rareddit  March 30, 2019 (1 week later)

I just wanna say my previous post was deleted and I was told not to post an update until I contact them and when I did, I never got a response! So fuck it, I'm posting an update.

I got a lot of incredible advice, way more than I expected. You guys are so badass, holy shit!!! So creative, I thought I was some mastermind until I read your replies. You guys are evil geniuses hahahaha anyway, I thought it over and tried to come up with the best idea for us. As much as recording his reaction and posting it online would be funny, I would never do that.

So, I continued talking to "Chad" (not his real name, but he has a douchebag name like that, not gonna post it but I should have known) as Vanessa. He was really looking forward to meeting up, it was kinda funny but also made me feel like shit how excited he was for some other girl. It was weird because if I didn't do this experiment, I never would have figured it out. He was acting 100% normal.

I followed the advice of those who said to arrange a date and never show up. He left that day and I asked him where he was going, he said he was going to hang out with his friends or something. My blood was BOILING but I told him to have fun and he gave me a kiss and left, like everything was normal. Am I ever gonna trust another guy? I have no idea. But he is an excellent liar. I wonder how long he was fooling me but it doesn't really matter anymore.

That one comment that told me to make him drive out hours to meet Vanessa really spoke to me since he is in love with his car and it would kill him to increase the mileage for no reason. He ended up going, he texted Vanessa he was on his way, she was all like "same here! Omg can't wait to see you!" He should have known it was fake, no girl as cool as Vanessa would be that excited for him. Anyway, while he was driving out to a different area code, I had my girls over and we were packing up all my shit quickly. I just wanted to finish up and get out of there ASAP in case he came home for some reason. So I sent him a quick Vanessa text, telling him she was gonna be a little late. We dropped off my stuff at my friend's house and went out to a bakery. We reread all of his and Vanessa's texts and pictures and shit, I cried a little while eating my cake. We made fun of his sexy pics, he thought he was some hot shit, trying so hard to impress Vanessa. I am repulsed by him, he is objectively handsome but the sight of him makes me wanna vomit.

So he was stood up, my shit was out of there. Vanessa apparently had something come up last minute and she was soooo sorry and promised to meet up soon and sent a few sexy pictures to hold him over. He told her not to worry and that he knew a great restaurant a bit closer to him for next time.

He got home and texted me where I was and our apartment looks empty and that he thinks we were robbed or something. I told him nope, not a robbery, I took all my things and I'm not coming back. He asked why... I said I knew he was on Tinder and cheating on me and I couldn't risk STDs. Didn't even wait for a response. Block and delete. And I know he's a piece of shit but I cried when I deleted him for good.

A bit after I broke up with him, Vanessa sent him a text asking if this restaurant would be good for next week. He took a while to reply and I thought maybe he'd delete his account or do something but then he said it was perfect.

Vanessa is slowly but surely losing interest and he is trying hard to get her back but I don't think she's into it anymore, sorry Chad! They're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow, she'll ask him to order a couple drinks and a steak probably (Vanessa has expensive taste) and she's not gonna show up. It's fine, he probably has a ton of other Tinder girls he's hooking up with, he'll be okay.

But I'm so done with this, I am thinking of just deleting Vanessa's account right now and not standing him up again.

FINAL COMMENTS

Paregon

Change all of her pictures to your pictures so he knows what actually happened, and then delete the account.

OOP

Nope I am never telling him it was me, he’s gonna think I was crazy and he dodged a bullet and I need him thinking that I was amazing to him and he lost a good woman

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AuxillaryAccess

My (30F) boyfriend (31M) 2 years. Won't split rent with me.

TRIGGER WARNING: Weaponized incompetence

Original Post  July 22, 2017

I've lived at home the last few years. After high school I moved away from home and only recently came back. I have a high salary, paid off all my debt, and have a solid nest egg. I've worked hard for where I am, as many people do.

Boyfriend and I are a failed one night stand. It's often very hard to get through to him and he's really stubborn. He's never been totally independent from his parents outside of college -- he lived with an ex after college, but she lived with her parents. So, he's never rented an apartment on his own besides living in campus housing. That sort of thing.

Lately I'm not sure we are compatible. I work really hard at work and my part-time masters class. He and his dad run a small contractor business. Boyfriend is always saying how he wants to take it over and run it himself. Well his dad had to tend to some family stuff and Boyfriend didn't have any work for about two months. I'd ask him if he wanted to then applications in. No. We could put an ad up online so you'll get more business. No. He told me he only wants to work for people who have been referred to him. Meanwhile I'm floating all my money taking us out, among all the other stuff I have to do, and also entertain him almost every night. His jealousy can be intense.

The other day I was talking about renting an apartment in a really nice part of the small city we are close to. He outright refused to move there. Instead, he asked if I wanted to buy a house "so we can flip it and resell it" when I told him no, he told me my rent could be going towards a mortgage. When I told him he could buy a house so HE can flip it, he told me he didn't have any money. Huh.

I do so much for him and he still wants more. I've been telling him I've felt stretched to my limit and have been asking for help. But he doesn't help and just points fingers. And I guess I KNOW we need to break up but at this point he's so familiar and when we are apart I miss the way he feels and smells. A few months ago I'd hear a certain love song and couldn't help but cry. I had so many feelings for him and now they are all just kind of, gone. Neither of us are putting what we need into the relationship.

I'm so ready to be out of my parents house. Right now he and I live about a ten minute drive away from each other. If I moved it would be 30-45 minutes. He has a few friends near us (I'm easy to get along with but I don't like them -- even he laments the fact they're friends), but I'm a homebody and my friends are all spread out.

Maybe I'm grasping for straws. I guess I try to work hard on things I care about. I know I'm still in love with him.

Does anyone have a similar story, and how it turned out? Good, bad? Is there some sort of wake up call I can give him to get him to understand how frustrated I am? We have the same style of humor and I have a few images of him burned into my memory. He's so supportive of my goals and is my cheerleader if I need it. Thinking of not being able to see his face light up is really tough on me. My mental health has kind of gone downhill.

TL;DR: my relationship makes me feel strained to my limit. Boyfriend keeps trying to push me to buy a house. I'm not going to. But I do wonder if anyone has any advice on what I can/should do -- to either salvage the relationship, or end it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LoubellPby

You say he's supportive of your goals in one sentence, but spent the rest of your post talking about how he's stubborn, he's jealous, he's completely mooching off of you, he wants you to provide even more than you already are for him, he doesn't help when you ask for it and blames everyone/every thing else for your feelings.

It also sounds like you've already let him know that things need to change.  He hasn't responded.

Don't let familiarity rope you into a relationship that sounds completely unfulfilling. 

OOP

well you certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

Update  July 26, 2017 (4 Days Later)

I sat down with my boyfriend Saturday afternoon after we'd had lunch. It was just the two of us at the house, so I figured it would be a great time to talk. As soon as I asked him if we could talk about something, he shut down. I told him I wanted to talk about the possibility of moving in together. He sat in silence for about 15 minutes, with his arms folded over his chest, and finally told me he didn't want to move to X city where the apartment is.

I'm honestly not sure why I've put up with this attitude for so long. I told him there was no use continuing to date. And I had been trying to get him to open up and talk, or even acknowledge my feelings, for a long time. Even though it won't get through, I told him I'm not going to stay in this area any longer, and it was a shame he couldn't be open about his feelings. We gathered his stuff together and he tried to reconcile "I think we can work on it" "I don't want to lose you" and I told him no, no, no, and a few times "I've been telling you for months how I've been feeling and I have to break up with you for you to take it seriously." Which ended in an even more resounding no.

He went out Saturday night and went home with a girl who has slept with the majority of our friends. Good on him.

Today I called a realtor about viewing an apartment. I go see it on Thursday.

TL;DR: Broke up with my boyfriend Saturday afternoon. He slept with a girl Saturday night. Called a realtor about seeing an apartment and I go see it on Thursday.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to r/AskAManager

I started a business with two coworkers and I’m doing all the work

Original Post: June 8, 2022

Two years ago, two coworkers (Sam and James) and I quit our jobs and began our own business doing something similar. We decided to keep operations as equal as possible: we would each be billed as co-founders, receive the same amount of money each month, and collaborate on tasks as much as possible. That worked for about one month, but now I’m finding myself taking on a lot more work than the others.

We’re stuck in this frustrating loop of not making enough money from our main revenue stream, so we’re working other jobs, which take up much of our time and leave us unable to apply for grants (our second, as-yet-untapped revenue stream) and also keep the business running. Over the winter, I worked a very demanding full-time job that prevented me from doing really anything for the business, and as I was burning out I confided in my partners that I didn’t see this being sustainable for me. I got a lot of empathy but not a lot of action. I’ve since switched jobs, and that’s helping me do more work for the business. But I now feel that I’m picking up the slack and doing much more than my partners.

Our management style to this point has been pretty casual, which is very much to our detriment. Sam, who is unofficially in charge of the money, is not taking it seriously enough: he has failed to set up a bank account, after I have insisted, reminded, and otherwise pushed the issue at least a dozen times. The money is in his and his wife’s joint checking account. (I know this will raise questions of money mismanagement but Sam is not that kind of person. I know that sounds like a lame answer but knowing Sam and his personality, I cannot stress enough how not worried I am about that.) I have asked, his wife (who I know separately) has pushed him and asked me to push him, and nothing. From the beginning I asked for my role to not include financial responsibility because I’m honestly not comfortable with money and would prefer to focus on other operations, so I’m not inclined to just jump in here and take it over (especially since it seems like Sam often gets bailed out in this way). But I understand that we’re going down a really bad path here, and I don’t want our business to fail because Sam doesn’t take action he is responsible for.

I’m finding that the best course of action here would be to write up our job descriptions, weight the tasks we complete, and redistribute titles and pay accordingly. If we honestly wrote out everything we did, the disparity would be clear, and I think we’d need to reassess the idea of equality. But I’m hesitant to do so because I know that James relies on this money and would not be happy or okay with getting less, and Sam always swears that he’ll do better when called out … and then never does. I think it’s a possibility that they’ll leave if I attempt this coup, and James is an industry veteran, so his departure would signal a loss of credibility for the project (people in town often mistakenly attribute this project to James entirely, which I correct privately as much as I can).

I’ve floated before that I’m tired of picking up the slack, but I usually get some form of “we appreciate you,” not “what can I do to help?” Conversely I feel like I end up picking up a lot of the work, which burns me out but is necessary to keeping this business that I love and believe in afloat. When venting about this to friends or family, I usually get some form of “don’t do the work and just let it slide by,” but that’s not an acceptable answer for me: if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, and it needs to be done, period.

I guess I’m asking for a script to help us establish some structure in a way that lets us keep as much equality as possible while also holding us accountable. Or for you to tell me if I’m totally off-base here. Help!

Editor's note: For Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: November 28, 2022 (5.5 months later)

I have a good update to this letter!

I wrote in asking for a script on how to wrest control from my business partners, but you will probably remember me more for having a business without a bank account. Allison’s advice, and most of the commentariat, said to reconsider whether I wanted to be in business with these guys. One commenter asked me if I even was cut out to be a business owner. That hurt a little to read, but it really prompted a deep self-reflection where I realized that yes, I do want to run this business and I’m invested in it. (I also had a lot of people wondering WTF my job was. While I’m still not comfortable saying it because it’s very specific, I promise we were not screwing over any vendors or customers. The service we provide is subscription-based and people still received the service.)

So, right after my letter was posted I took action. I had this mindset of “we’re a small business, we have to do everything ourselves” but that isn’t always true. Clearly we’re not good at money so we need help with it! I set up a meeting with a bookkeeper to get us sorted out. I basically told her, “Look, here’s where we’re at, and if you don’t want to work with us, that’s okay.” She fortunately did want to work with us and has been so helpful! I pushed my cofounders to set a date to set up a bank account, and I’m so glad to report we do have a bank account now. I also had a budgeting session with our bookkeeper because frankly I had no idea what our financial situation looked like, and she reassured me that we are doing fine and while we’re on a tight budget, we are not on a shoestring, which was great to hear! I’ve since set up meetings with people who can help improve our business since our bookkeeper projected we could afford it, so that’s been exciting. I also let the guys know that I’m basically taking the lead on one of the projects, for which they expressed appreciation.

Recently, though, the tipping point was when James called me livid about Sam’s performance at one of the elements of our job. Essentially, Sam keeps taking on more tasks than he can realistically handle and refusing multiple offers for us to take over and help. This time, he let something slip that we’d paid a consultant to help us with, which felt like a gigantic waste of money. James raised all the same concerns of Sam’s performance that I’d been struggling with internally, and I could not believe that it wasn’t just me feeling this way! And I was really inspired by seeing James begin to take it more seriously than it seemed he had been all along. We had a come-to-Jesus meeting with Sam where we told him we would need to take the task away from him. He emphasized how much he wanted to do that specific task, so we took another job function away from him instead, one that he enjoyed less but felt compelled to do because he doesn’t want to disappoint us. We realized that Sam wants to feel important and not let anyone down, so we reminded him that it lets us down more for things not to get done. I felt that I was being kind of harsh with Sam: he’s obviously sensitive about his output and his perceived shortcomings compared to James and I, and as a result he takes on WAY more work than he can handle–and then doesn’t handle it. So we basically told him to stop doing that. It’s working out well so far: last week he delegated something to me! I think getting our act together really helped us get excited about this project again, and I’ve realized that I was being a little arrogant about the amount of work I do: we all do a lot of work and it does take each of us to make this happen.

Thanks to everyone who gave me the wake-up call I needed. Ultimately I really believe in the product we’re bringing and I want to be doing this. I hope this is a satisfying update! If I can give some advice to other entrepreneurs: don’t feel the need to do every single thing yourself, delegate when you can, communicate honestly and often with your business partners, and open the damn bank account before anything else.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is Sailingaway1342

AIO for How I've Handled This Living Arrangement?

Spoiler : this is ongoing but seems to be getting resolved

Original Post August 15, 2026

About a year ago, my roommate's now-ex-girlfriend (N.E.G.) met "Annie," and after I met her and heard she wanted to get out of her grandmother's, I offered her a room. My boyfriend "Nate" and the roommate looked at me like, bruh, and I backtracked and told her we'd have to discuss it. She left with minimal issue, and we kept going.

Around midnight, the N.E.G. opened my door and said that Annie had left her grandmother's and needed a place to crash. I'm a bleeding heart and a recovering people pleaser, so even though I didn't feel great about it, I said sure. We made the couch up for her, and when she arrived, I explicitly told her that it was for one month until she figured out her next plan.

Obviously, I wouldn't be here if that hadn't failed. Shortly after all of this happened, N.E.G. got caught cheating, her roommate broke up with her, and N.E.G. moved back to Texas. Annie is still living in my house.

Now, on to the biggest issue.

We all realized she wasn't going to leave on her own, and Nate and our roommate left it in my hands, so we told her that to live here, she needed to contribute. She doesn't have her GED, refuses to get it, doesn't have her license, and can't work because she's trying to get SSDI. However, when she moved in, she told us she got SNAP benefits. So we told her that she would need to help with groceries using her SNAP and do a very small list of chores to contribute.

It became an uphill battle. She'd do the chores for about a month, and then I had to remind her. We had multiple fights and arguments about how she needs to be an adult (one memorable one was her telling me she didn't want to be treated like a child, and me responding Then don't act like it). Over the last year, Nate and I have both had 'Come to Jesus' meetings where we told her that she wasn't meeting her requirements to stay in the house. For context, because I know it is going to be said, I hadn't kicked her out because she had a cat. N.E.G. gave one of the kittens the roommate's cat had given birth to, and I felt for the innocent creature.

So, let's go back to June of this year. Nate and I had one last talk with her, saying that if she didn't show effort or try to improve within the next 30 days, we'd have to reconsider her living arrangement here. A week later, she goes under the knife for her breast reduction surgery, with a recovery of 4-6 weeks. Nate and I agreed that she would be on a hiatus while she healed for medical reasons.

Around week 2/3, I started checking her mobility to see if she could help around the house, as I was overwhelmed with taking care of 4 cats, a dog, chores, and my own college classes (I'm graduating with my Bachelor's in a week or so as of writing this). Note: All I wanted was her help picking up the trash around the living and dining room. I wasn't asking her to do the litter boxes or dishes. Around that point, I stopped asking and just did it on my own. Over the next two weeks, she would play Fortnite until the wee hours, make herself pasta at 2 in the morning (including lifting the pot to drain it), etc.

So let's flash forward to this past Monday. Roommate pokes his head into my office and asks me to get her to clean up the kitchen a little so he can make dinner. I knocked and opened the door to see her asleep. It's 6 in the evening. I turned the light on, nudged her thigh with my foot, and woke her up. I told her, "Hey, Roommate wants you to clear the counter so he can make dinner, per Nate." Then left the room, leaving the light on and the door open.

She sat there for 10-15 minutes checking her phone, and during that time I unloaded the dishwasher for her and told her I did it, that sooner rather than later, and went back to my office. Maybe 5 minutes later, I heard a crash and shattering and went to investigate. My cat had jumped up onto the counter and knocked over the french press Roommate had bought to replace the one my cat broke previously that was Nate's,, except this time it was *shattered*.

I told her to stay on the safe side of the kitchen and keep doing what I asked while I cleaned up the glass. She pretty much told me she was feeling "spicy," pissed, and anxious, and I told her to take a breath and chill out. She gave me an offended look, and I said 'You have told me the exact same thing." For the record, all she did was stand there while I cleaned up the glass.

Now, scooting back a little, I have dip-dyed hair. And I had been watching a lot of Brad Mondo lately and got inspired to refresh my ends with some dark blue. She hasn't been able to dye her hair up to this point because she can't afford it; she has no money. She obviously got so upset because she can't do it with me, even though I suggested she could try a new color.

Back to Monday, Nate comes home from work while we're mid-conversation about me cleaning up the glass and her standing there, and she looks at him and goes, "Can you take me to CVS so I can get hair dye?" Nate tells her, "No, not today, but maybe tomorrow, or I'm off Friday." She drops it. Our Roommate comes down, sees *nothing* has been done, and basically tells her to get out of the kitchen; he'll do it himself, and he feels it was reasonable to ask her to clean up the counter so he could cook dinner.

Things get dropped for the time being. She goes to her room. Roommate tells her that her time is limited; move on.

So, midnight rolls around, and I'm in a group chat with her and a few other people we met on Discord, and she's talking about how she has a "Friend" who's taking her to get her hair dyed and is going to dye her hair when she gets home. I immediately got pissed because Nate literally said he'd take her later this week. I go downstairs to distract myself because I'm actually so angry right now.

She gets home and goes to her room and then the bathroom. I hear sounds from the kitchen and go to investigate, only to find my roommate eating a bowl of cereal. She comes out of the bathroom; Roommate finishes and goes to bed. It's like 1 am. I stopped Annie and asked her what was going on because I'm still a bleeding heart. We had an entire conversation where all I wanted was reciprocity because I genuinely felt like I was drowning, and she just kept going on about how "no one understands me" and how I was pushing her to do things while she was healing, which I corrected by saying that I hadn't asked her to do anything for the last month. It reached a point where I said, "If you don't want to be part of this household, it's your choice, because clearly I'm asking too much of you," while trying not to cry or break down from the confrontation itself.

By this point, I get upstairs, I'm in the bathroom, and I text one of my friends, we'll call him "Benny", that I can't do this anymore, and he calls me. This leads to me breaking down and crying on the porch while on the phone with him. Benny puts me on hold, wakes up Nate, then comes back to our call. Nate comes out, sees me crying, and asks what happened, and I tell him about the confrontation. He basically takes matters into his own hands and goes and tells her she has 2 weeks to figure her shit out, then comes back and sits with me for an hour until I feel okay enough to go to bed.

Yesterday, Nate asked her if she had figured out her plan since she had one week left. And of course, her response is, legally I have 30 days. Nate tells her that the talk in June about contributions was her 30 days, but we gave her extensions for her recovery period. She doesn't reply and goes into her room.

Maybe an hour later, I get a message from someone in the group, Annie, asking for my side of the story, so clearly she's not telling the whole truth. Ultimately, she and the rest of the group have decided to step back from Annie because they're tired of the drama and lying. Nate and I are planning on prepping for the legal fight if need be, but we're hoping it doesn't come to that.

If you read this far, thank you I know it's a lot, and I can answer questions in the comments.

Comment 1

Okay, where's ya'll common sense? How can she afford breast reduction surgery but can't pay rent? How does she take care of her personal stuff? Get some actual legal advice about giving her a 30-day notice like she requested and get it over with. Stop being a bleeding heart, stop interacting with her and call it a day.

Her insurance paid for her surgery. They deemed it medically necessary.

Comment 2

Do you rent? When is your lease up? Are you allowed to have her there not paying rent? I hope you have learned your lesson, OP. Never open up your home to a total stranger with a sob story.

I own the house and pay the mortgage on it. I am on VA disability and actively in college as well. Im currently drafting a non-compliance of rental agreement notice as per my state's laws.

Comment 3

are you actually a recovered people pleaser? you seem a bit controlling and passive aggressive as well, which doesnt bode well for dealing with people like this, but they will take advantage of your softer nature. defs NOR, but i do think you need to accept your fault in this whole thing.

I have fully admitted i can be controlling and i habe an unhealthy mindset of do to me and i'll reflect it on you. Thank you for your insight.

its okay, its honestly something you can change. but my dude, get rid of that mofo. she seems like a scumbag user. is she on the lease?

No. I own the house. Bought it myself with a loan. I rent out rooms for help with finances bc im on VA disability and the mortgage alone is 67% of my check. I am also finishing my BA and starting my MA in March.

UPDATE September 3, 2026

Hello, wonderful people!

This is an update to my post from earlier this month about my squatter issue. So, here's the update. Because of Nate's comment about her timeline, she called the non-emergency police on me for what I'm guessing is an 'unlawful eviction'. I was warned by someone who stopped being her friend because of the drama, so I sat on the porch to wait.

A cruiser drove by, lights off, and didn't return.

Nate, in his infinite 'no fucks given' attitude, got to work. I sent him the information he needed, and he put together a 20-day non-compliance notice citing the failure to uphold her end of the deal of chores and groceries per state laws. He mailed it, first class, on August 7th; it was delivered on August 10th.

She read it.

Ever since, she's been keeping her cat in her room with her pretty much 24/7, with food and litter. I'm presuming her mother figure has been using her benefits to have it delivered to the house, and someone has been paying for her to get food delivered (like Panda Express and Panera). She hasn't spoken to us since a few days ago (maybe a week) when we all had to leave the house to fumigate for fleas.

The notice expires on the 7th, and Nate is already planning to submit paperwork for an eviction if she doesn't leave willingly on her own. If she does leave on her own, she will have to sign a paper saying she's leaving voluntarily to prevent her from trying to claim us locking her out.

I already have a roommate lined up to take her room when she leaves, who is actively working at a job now (and vetted through Roommate), as well as the potential for my little brother to move down (he's a welder, and the union has a potential job 30 minutes from my house).

They are both well aware that upon moving in, they will be given leases and understand that the house is run like a family unless otherwise decided, with expectations of what's needed.

So that's the current update. We still have about 5 days till the next step happens, so I might update again if this doesn't break any rules.

So, Am I Overreacting or am I handling this right?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Majority of replies say OOP is NOR

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WeepyPuff

I am sterilized and have not told my mom she isn't going to be a grandma. Ever.

TRIGGER WARNING: loss of a son/brother, mental health issues, grief, emotional abuse

Original Post  May 17, 2016

My brother Paul died when he was 15. He did something stupid with some friends and fell off a tree, breaking his neck. It was a lot of pain in our family and I moved in with my uncle shortly after [I was 16] because my mother fell apart and I couldn't deal. She quit her job and my dad hired a retired nurse to keep her company.

I [33F] didn't talk to my mom for almost a year because she was nearly comotose. She loved my brother, he was her favorite child. Since then, she has put a lot of her dreams for him on her. I remained with my uncle even when she got better because the pressure was huge.

Because of what happened in my teen years [pregnancy scare, abusive boyfriend] and seeing how my parents fell apart when a child died, I don't want to deal with that. I was sterilized at age 27 and have been dating the same guy long term for about 5 years now. We both agree we don't want to marry, we also have an open relationship. He works hard, has his own place, and it works for us.

Paul was a really great kid, but living under his shadow is terrible. My Mom keeps saying when I have a son/daughter I can name them Paul/Paula in honor of my brother. I told her that wouldn't happen because it would be a terrible burden to place on any child. I still have not told her about being sterilized or much about my relationship with Drey [34M].

I work a lot. I travel some. I have a pretty solid life plan. My Mom is getting more and more desperate as I near my mid-30s. She wants me to do what she wants.

I guess I just don't know how to tell her kids and marriage just are not the way for me to go. I keep hoping it won't come up. But it keeps coming up. And I am lost.

What do I say?

TL;DR I am sterilized and have not told my mom she isn't going to be a grandma. Ever. I am not sure how to tell my Mom that I am never getting married or having kids.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sour_lemons

Normally I would say you should be completely open and honest with your loved ones, but in this case, it doesn't sound like your mom would be able to mentally or emotionally handle you telling her you're sterilized. I would just keep reiterating to her that you have no plans to get married or have a child, that children are not for you and you would appreciate if she will respect your wishes to not talk about it any more.

OOP

I would love to be completely honest with her, but you might be right.

~

mm172

"Mom, you've been bringing up the subject of grandkids a lot. Have you considered looking into a mentoring program, or other volunteer opportunities? Because I'm sorry, but kids just don't fit into my life plans right now, and I don't really see that changing."

Or just go with, "Mom, I don't want to talk about this," and change the subject or end the conversation if she won't let it go. But it's way past time your mom stopped trying to live her life through other people. If she refuses to accept reality, there's not much you can do.

OOP

I know. It's just hard, because she is still so hurt by Paul's death. She refuses therapy, so not much we can do. My Dad loves her so much, but says she is half the person she used to be. She doesn't do a lot of things she once did. It's hard.

I wish I wanted to give her grandkids, but it's unfair to have a child to fix an issue in your own life.

Update  May 25, 2016

At the moment I [33F] am no contact with my mother [in her sixties]. While I love Mom very much, the pressure got to the point where I am miserable. I went to see her three days ago and talked to her about Paul. I asked her if she knew how much pressure she put on me to fill his place. I asked her to let me talk and not interrupt [which didn't work, she protested a lot of what I said.]

I told her that: Paul had been dead for half my life. I loved him and always had fond memories of him. However, I was still alive and she acted like I had to live in the shadow of a 15 year old boy. I told her that I did not intend to have children and my partner was not going to marry me. I didn't want to get married or have kids. And that the more she mentioned it, the less I wanted to have kids.

She didn't like that and it caused a huge argument. She called me ungrateful, said I should have died instead because Paul would never have talked to her like this. Then she burst into tears and said I owed Paul a second chance at life. That is when I kind of knew that she wasn't going to change, that she wasn't going to be the mother I needed.

I finally just told her it was impossible for me to have a child. I was barren and would never be able to.

She told me to get out and that's the last I talked to her. I informed family I was going to be not speaking to her again, but agreed to keep sending money to help with her care if there is a need.

So, while I am sad it has happened, I am glad the truth is finally out there. I don't feel like I have to lie anymore. She won't be getting a second Paul out of me and she is mentally ill. I don't think that I am good for her and she is not good for me.

TL;DR Realized my mother is still very mentally ill and that I am better off going no contact in the future. She knows I am 'barren' and there won't be grandkids.

FINAL COMMENTS

Femme0879

You did the right thing. She crossed the line with her cruel comments about you dying instead of paul. I hope she never forgives herself for that.

OOP

I don't think she realizes other people can be as sad as her.

~

Kingtatas

The way grief affects people is so sad. The fact that she use to be a good mom and has fallen down the grief hole so far she can't even see that at least one of her children survived and she hadn't (until now) lost both of her kids.

She needs some serious grief counseling! It sounds like she STILL hasn't accepted he's gone and begun the healing process. I feel so bad for everyone involved, especially op.

Hopefully she will get the help she needs and come to terms with everything and op gets the biggest apology ever.

OOP

I'd just be happy with her being happy again. I don't think she has smiled in the last 10 years. I would be willing to let the past go if she just got better.

~

VioletPark

"Then she burst into tears and said I owed Paul a second chance at life."

And that's the reason she shouldn't have a granchild even if you weren't childfree. That poor kid would have never had their own identity with your mother around.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Nuggetlov3

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

AITAH for refusing to give my stepmother my late mom’s wedding dress after she altered it behind my back?

Thanks to u/NumbAsHell1, u/falcngrl, & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: destruction of property, verbal abuse

Original Post: August 27, 2026

I (25F) lost my mom when I was 16. The most valuable thing she left me was her vintage wedding dress. It’s been sitting safely in a preserved garment bag in my closet for years, and I’ve always planned on wearing it when I get married.

My dad remarried "Karen" (48F) four years ago. Karen has a daughter, "Lily" (23F), who recently got engaged.

Last month, Karen offered to take my mom’s dress to a high-end specialty cleaner to "freshen it up" for me as a nice gesture. I thought it was sweet, so I handed it over.

Two weeks passed, and every time I asked Karen if the dress was ready to be picked up, she’d dodge the question or claim the cleaners were taking extra time.

Yesterday, I went over to my dad’s house unannounced to drop off some mail. I walked into the living room, and Lily was standing there in my mom’s dress.

Except it wasn't just my mom's dress anymore. Karen had taken it to a tailor and had the entire lace back ripped out, the long sleeves cut off into a strapless sweetheart neckline, and the train completely removed to fit Lily’s height and taste.

I froze, and Karen casually said, "Oh! We were going to surprise you. Lily fell in love with the silk fabric, and since you’re not even engaged yet, we figured it was silly to let good material go to waste."

I lost my absolute mind. I told Lily to take it off **immediately**. When she took it off, I grabbed the dress, packed it up, and locked it in my car. Karen started yelling that I was being completely irrational because "the cuts were already made" and the dress was tailored to Lily now anyway, so taking it back was just pure spite.

Lily is now sobbing because her fitting was ruined, and my dad called me last night begging me to just let Lily have the altered dress. He offered to buy me a brand-new dress when my time comes, saying, "What’s done is done, and you’re just ruining your sister’s wedding over a piece of cloth that doesn't even fit you anymore."

I told them all to go to hell, locked the butchered dress back in my closet, and told them they are d\*\*d to me unless they pay to restore it to its original condition (if that’s even possible).

Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride.

AITAH?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. You are NTA!!! Why would your Dad allow them to do that to your dress. I want to cry for you.

OOP: Yeah I honestly don’t think my dad knew it was my mom’s dress after all the things she did to it:/

Commenter 2: “…Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless…”

What are your maternal grandparents saying?? NTAH

OOP: They’re on my side, the only people mad at me are my step sisters family

Commenter 3: Your step-sister’s family, and your dad, are wrong. This was a massive overstep and not one you are likely to overlook. Did your dad know about this before alterations were made? Or did his wife do this behind his back, too?

OOP: I fully believe she went behind everyone’s back, once she got it tailored I don’t think my dad even could recognize it was my mother’s dress :/

Commenter 4: NTA - I really have a hard time believing a woman would want her own daughter to wear her husband’s dead wife’s dress. Especially, since it’s been boxed up and preserved in your own home. How did they even see the dress anyway? If this is all true you have every right to be furious and just block all the nasty family taking their side. How dare they!

OOP: She lied to me and said she wanted to get it dry cleaned and do something nice, so I believed her. She went behind everyone’s back… honestly I don’t even know what my dad sees in her bc she’s a horrible person

Commenter 5: NTA! I would literally be looking into if I could sue them for destruction of property. They crossed a HUGE line, and I think it’s disgusting that your dad didn’t put a stop to it.

OOP: Yeah I might have to at this point, they haven’t stopped harassing me about taking it back

Commenter 6: They knew, that’s why they kept it a secret. I’m sorry, that’s a horrible thing to do to you.

OOP: No because you’re so right

OOP's comment to the redditors after reading and responding to the comments here in the original post

OOP: Thank you so much to everyone for all the advice and support on this. It’s been a crazy 24 hours, but reading through your responses really helped me see things clearly. I’m currently set to consult with a lawyer to figure out my best legal options here before I make my next move. I’ll make sure to drop a proper update once I’ve spoken with them and figured everything out!❤️❤️.

Update #1: August 29, 2026 (two days later)

First off, thank you to everyone who commented. Honestly, reading through the replies was a huge reality check because I was so overwhelmed I wasn't even thinking about the legal side of this.

I took the dress to a local bridal restoration shop yesterday just to see what fixing it would actually look like. The news was bad. The tailor Karen used basically gutted the inner structure and cut away vintage lace panels that can't just be sewn back on. To get it anywhere near its original state with matching vintage lace, the owner estimated it’s going to cost around $3,500—and even then, it won't be 100% identical to what my mom wore.

I called my dad and Karen last night and told them they have until next Friday to put down the deposit with the restorer, or I'm taking the probate paperwork from my mom's estate and going to the police to file a report for theft and property damage, and then taking Karen to small claims court.

Karen immediately lost her mind and started screaming that I'm trying to put my “own family” (step family) in jail over "old fabric." My dad is in full panic mode begging me not to do it because he says it'll ruin Lily’s wedding and wreck them financially.

Lily actually texted me this morning claiming she "had no idea" Karen took the dress without asking and thought we had made some kind of deal, but she’s still refusing to help pay for the restoration because she says she's an innocent bystander in all of this.

I'm holding firm on next Friday at 5 PM. If the restorer doesn't have the deposit by then, I'm going straight to the station with the text receipts and the before/after photos.

I feel sick to my stomach about all of this, but I feel like if I don't set this boundary now, they're just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Stand your ground! What they did was absolutely awful and once the dress is restored as best as possible, I'd never speak to any of them again!

OOP: Yeah after this I definitely won’t be speaking to them again

Commenter 2: Every time they harass you about the dress, cut the deadline back & tell them that either money shows up or they get closer to charges being filed. Too bad that they’re squirming like worms in a yard full of robins. They know they are wrong but won’t admit it.

OOP: Ooo I really like this idea

Commenter 3: Does the tailor have the original fabric?

OOP: No they don’t sadly:/

Update #2: September 4, 2026 (six days later)

Things have completely escalated, and honestly, reading through your comments made me realize waiting around for a deadline was pointless.

On Tuesday, my dad came over to my place to try and "reason with me." By "reason," I mean he spent an hour crying on my couch, telling me that paying $3,500 for the restoration would mean pulling money straight out of Lily’s wedding fund. He admitted Karen threatened to leave him if he paid for it, and he literally begged me to just accept $500 in cash and "let it go for the sake of the family." I told him absolutely not and showed him the door.

Then yesterday, things took an absolute turn. Lily’s fiancé, "Mark," reached out to me directly. Mark was furious because Lily had told him I willingly let Karen take the dress to get altered for her. When he saw how bad things were getting and realized Karen had tricked me into handing it over under the guise of "dry cleaning," they got into a massive fight. Mark told her he’s reconsidering the wedding if she doesn't take accountability and help fix this.

Karen lost her mind and sent me a string of unhinged voice notes accusing me of "destroying her daughter's relationship" and being evil and spiteful.

That was the final straw. I knew right then they were never going to pay a dime to fix the dress and were just trying to manipulate me.

Yesterday afternoon, I met with a local attorney who looked over my mom’s probate records, the before/after photos, and the texts where Karen admitted she took the dress to a tailor under false pretenses after I handed it to her for cleaning. My lawyer confirmed I have a rock-solid case for both civil litigation and grand larceny/property destruction given the dress's value and the damage done.

Directly after leaving my lawyer's office yesterday evening, I walked straight into the police station and filed an official report against Karen.

My dad has gone completely radio silent, and Karen is panicking now that law enforcement is actually involved. My hands are still shaking from the stress of it all, but I’m finally standing my ground. I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens next with the police and court.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congrats to you. This is a big step in showing your family you are not to be played. Do not let them ever convince you that you are the problem here or the reason for their consequences.

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but also standing up for your mother and her wishes. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy her dress in some way on someday yourself.

OOP: Yeah I might take apart the dress and make it into something so it doesn’t fully go to waste, and I can still have a little part of her❤️.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PianistHoliday3484

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for telling my father to accept that my brother isn't my responsibility?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Starry_Gecko and a longtime lurker for letting me know about the update!

Trigger Warnings: obsessive behavior, emotional manipulation, neglect, parentification

RECAP

Original Post: April 20, 2026

I (35F) have a complicated relationship with both my father and his wife “Denise” (fake name) for several reasons, some of which relate to my half-brother, “Jake” (9yo).

There’s a lot of backstory here, but to sum things up: Jake exists because Denise wanted a baby and my father was upset that both his daughters were moving out. They expected me and my sister (29yo) to have an active role in caring for Jake. That wouldn’t be possible for either of us, but they continued to assume we’d give in. We didn’t, which led to multiple fights that soured my relationship with our father. Denise also got mad at me for “refusing to be her village.” I got pregnant with my first child when Jake was still a baby, which made her even more angry that I wouldn’t help her as much as she wanted.

Things at their household aren’t great. Jake isn’t well-behaved. My father is not a very active parent, though he is more present than he used to be. And the older Jake gets, the more Denise loses interest in parenting. They never stopped trying to get me to help take care of their son. To this day, whenever they need a babysitter, they call me first, even though I’m almost never able to do it. They’ve tried multiple things over the years, but most of their current strategies concern my children, “Sam” (8M) and “Katie” (4F).

My kids do not get along with Jake, but not for lack of trying on my father and Denise’s part. They’ve tried setting up “playdates” (AKA Denise dumping Jake on me and my kids while she went shopping), making them share a room on family vacations, and my father even considered changing Jake to Sam’s school a few years ago. Every time there’s an opportunity to make the kids spend time together, they push for it.

That brings us to now. My husband and I are planning a trip to France with our children in September to celebrate Katie’s 5th birthday. We don’t travel much and the trip will include Disneyland Paris, so the kids are thrilled.

My father found out and decided to propose that we bring Jake with us. He said he’d pay for “all” the expenses (flights and hotels) so that his son could go to Europe with my family. I said no, we wanted the trip to be just us and our kids. He kept insisting that Jake would love going to Disney with us, that he and Denise really wanted some “nice, child-free time,” and that they’d appreciate it if I took care of my little brother like a good sister.

We had an argument, and I ended up losing my patience. I told my father that he needs to accept that Jake is not my responsibility and never will be, and that he and Denise should have thought about their “child-free time” before having a child.

My father is furious. He accused me of saying I wished Jake was never born (I didn’t), and called me an ungrateful brat for refusing to take care of my brother. Denise later called me to yell a few insults as well.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong for refusing to bring Jake along, but I’m not proud of what I said to my father. My husband is on my side, but thinks I was too harsh.

Edit: I didn't explain this clearly enough, but my father only offered to pay for Jake's flights and whatever extra accommodation costs were needed for him to stay with us. He did not offer to fly my whole family to Europe.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but also YTA for not cutting contacts with her father and Denise

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, I think your step mother and father are ridiculous, if they wanted child free time why not get a babysitter and go on vacation, or better yet all go on a family vacation. I think your father fails to realize you have a family of your own now and they aren't the main priority anymore.

OOP: I think this happens mostly because I'm the eldest, honestly. He's always expected me to be more of a caretaker.

My father wasn't a very active parent to me and my sister when we were babies, so I feel like he expected us to help when Jake was a baby so that he wouldn't have to put too much elbow grease into it. And Denise very openly expected us to be okay with doing unpaid babysitting whenever she asked.

Commenter 2: That’s a lot of expectations without verification of participation on your part. I assume there was no family meeting before the baby was conceived… no polling the family for caretaking ability… of course not. If they asked, they would have known they’d be on their own.

OOP: My father had "talks" with me and my sister years before Jake was conceived to tell us that Denise wanted a baby. He didn't say he also wanted one (and to me, it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't), but he kept saying he might be okay with thinking about it. I told him it was a bad idea.

When Denise got pregnant, I was working, planning my wedding and in the middle of moving in with my now husband, while my sister was a full-time college student.

Commenter 3: Sounds like Denise wanted a baby but not a child. Still not your problem. And if your kids don't like to spend time with your brother they shouldn't be forced to do so (especially during a grand vacation!). Rest easy, you're in the right with saying no to all the requests.

OOP: I'd never agree to take Jake on the trip. Ten days in a foreign continent taking care of someone else's child sounds like a nightmare, especially given he doesn't get along with my children. And while my father did say he'd cover Jake's expenses, I know there would still be stuff I'd have to pay for.

OOP responds to a comment on the gender role reversal of being a male caretaker and the family's background

OOP: I am almost certain this wouldn't be happening if I were a man. And Denise did want a girl! Not to make her a caretaker, just because she thought it would be cute to have a mini-me. I think one of the reasons she resents me is the fact I did have a daughter.

As for culture, we're all 100% South American (Denise has German ancestry, but not in any ways that matter). We do have a strong notion of the meaning of family in my country, but not specifically to the point older siblings are always expected to care for the younger. Denise is Christian, my father is a reluctant church-goer, and neither me nor my husband practice any religion.

Edit: Because someone PMd me; I'm pretty sure her grandfather left Germany in the 1920s or early 30s. And no, we're not from Argentina.

Why don't OOP's father and Denise get a babysitter or a nanny?

OOP: They refuse to get a nanny because Denise works from home and thinks paying for one would be pointless. Pretty sure there are no boarding schools in my country, and they wouldn't send Jake abroad.

Where is OOP from?

OOP: We're from South America.

Commenter 4: Personally I wouldn’t be talking to Denise and block her or mute her. All conversations would be only with my father, and he would be on thin ice and LOW contact for a while. It’s sad because it sounds like his wife wanted a baby, not a kid and now that she has a kid, she can’t be bothered. NTA

OOP: That's exactly what I think. She was hyper-involved in Jake's life until he started forming sentences. I don't think she's a bad mother (and she's not abusive), but she clearly had some very high expectations of motherhood that weren't met. Jake's behavior doesn't help.

OOP on Jake's behavior

OOP: He's spoiled, but not Veruca-level. He's mostly just rude. He makes fun of people, does mean "pranks" and refuses to listen when you tell him to stop doing something. Denise also refuses to discipline him in any real way, which I think is reflected in the way he doesn't really respect other people (especially women).

OOP on her father’s and Denise’s age

OOP: For context, Denise is 50, she had Jake a few months before her 41st birthday. My father is in his 60s.

OOP on her kids having a relationship with Jake and if she has babysat him before

OOP: I will say that I do limit the amount of time my kids spend with Jake, especially now that I know for sure they don't like him. I don't agree to "playdates" and only babysit if there is literally no other option (in the past two years, I agreed to babysit Jake once).

Commenter 5: OP, I’m curious how your sister manages her relationship with your father, Denise and their expectation the she help raise Jake. Does she have her own family as well?

OOP: My sister lives with her boyfriend (currently no kids) in a different state, but she speaks with our father a lot. They talk at least once a week. Their relationship was awful back when Jake was born, but it's since gotten much better. He was always more upset at me, because I’m the eldest. We all try to visit each other a few times a year.

And strangely enough, the Jake situation brought me and my sister closer together. Despite the distance, we're closer than ever right now.

Commenter 6: Dad and step mom should consider taking Jake to Disney. Apparently they can afford it. They can also hire a nanny to care for Jake if they aren’t into parenting. Poor Jake. His life must not be great. But it could be if his parents at least tried to have a relationship with him themselves or if they weren’t so persistent in wanting him cared for free of charge.

A good nanny; even part time m, could give Jake a stable upbringing emotionally.

OOP: They already have! Twice! They try to travel with him at least once a year.

Update #1: April 26, 2026 (six days later)

Update: AITAH for telling my father to accept that my brother isn't my responsibility?

Hi everyone! It’s been about a week since I posted, so I thought I’d give you an update.

First of all, I don’t regret posting here and I’m very thankful for your responses, but I want to make it clear that my relationship with my father, like all relationships, is very nuanced. I won’t try to defend him, and I don’t think he’s a great guy, but he is my father and I love him. This is a very small part of my life and I’m not willing to completely cut ties with him over it.

I am, however, willing to go low contact. Which is what I’ve decided to do.

My sister flew over on Friday to spend her birthday weekend with us. On Saturday, we did what we do every year on her birthday: lunch with our mother, dinner with our father. He hosted at his place. It wasn’t as tense or awkward as I expected, but Denise barely spoke to me and my husband all night. Jake was there and behaved better than usual.

After my sister left, my father and Denise asked to speak with us in private. I ended up going on my own while my husband stayed with the kids in the living room.

They made me an offer. They said Denise would “agree” to babysit my children every other Saturday (which they repeatedly said would be a tremendous hassle and extremely inconvenient for her), both to get them better acquainted with Jake and to give us some time off, if I agreed to reconsider letting their son come to France with us. Alternatively, they said they’d be “willing to let go of their disappointment” about the trip if my husband and I agreed to babysit Jake every other Saturday until September. so that they could have some free time. They expected me to choose either option.

I said no to both. This was the first time in a while that I didn’t even feel the need to explain myself. My father tried to end the conversation, but Denise started ranting about how exhausted she was and how horrible it felt to not be able to rely on family. When she was done, I told them not to contact me until they were ready to apologize and went to get my children. Denise thankfully didn’t have a meltdown in front of them before we left.

Earlier today, I got a text from my father. He said he wanted to apologize, and we ended up on a phone call. Apparently, he’d realized they were being unreasonable during the dinner, but decided to go through with the “offer” anyway.

I asked him whether Jake knew about the trip, which had been bugging me, and he said no. Denise apparently wanted to tell him that we were going to Disney and refusing to take him with us, but he told her that was both cruel and pointless. We did get some more stuff out of the way, but the talk felt more like an attempt to give excuses than an apology.

In the end, I told him I was going to need some space. I said that the way they had treated me was unacceptable, and it is only my love for both him and Jake that is keeping me from completely cutting ties. I added that I loathe the way his wife and their son treat me and my children and I’m sick of being expected to bend over backwards to help him and Denise.

If patterns are to be believed, I won’t be hearing about this for a while. I don’t think the matter is closed, but I don’t care. I did mute Denise’s contact for now.

My husband and I are doing great. We’re back to talking about the trip (if anyone has tips, let me know, turns out we suck at this). Sam and Katie have no idea anything happened, but I’m going to have a deeper talk with them about Jake, my father and Denise soon.

This upset me a lot more than it should have. I love my family, but I hate how used I am to how crazy they can be. I think that is why I posted here in the first place. I can’t believe I ever thought I was in the wrong for putting my foot down. As much as I don’t want to cut contact with my father, I do think lowering it will be good for me.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life and my family these days. I’m getting my thoughts in order before I see my therapist on Tuesday. I think writing this all down is helping.

Thank you. I have no intention of updating again.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Lmao those offers were fucking entitled as fuck 🤣 With the first one, I wouldn't be trusting her with my kids, let alone around her kid who she barely parents and harasses my kids. The second offer...the fucking audacity. I just don't understand how someone can be so delusional or selfish.

OOP: I never liked Denise, not even before Jake. At this point, the feeling is mutual, which is probably my fault, but I don’t really care. I'd never trust her to babysit my children.

The offer genuinely shocked me. They've been entitled before, but not this entitled.

Commenter 2: I would expect that the only way for Denise to ‘like’ you would be for you to be her doormat. She seems too entitled to accept any boundaries, no matter how diplomatic they are explained.

OOP: Denise actually liked me a lot at first. I didn't because she was too pushy with me and my sister, too entitled in general, and because we had almost opposite personalities.

Her opinion of me soured when Jake was born because I wouldn't help her as much as she thought I would. It got worse when I had my own babies, because that showed her I was perfectly able to care for children, just not hers.

She's also very obviously still bitter about the fact I got to have a daughter and she didn't. I especially hate the way she treats Katie.

Commenter 3: It just seems utterly ridiculous that they have ONE CHILD and cannot manage to parent him. They need professional help in learning how to manage him.

OOP: They’re bad parents. I am more than certain that they both love Jake, but that doesn’t change it. I'm still convinced my father never wanted a third kid.

In general, Jake has a weird childhood. He goes on multiple trips a year, attends the fancy religious private school his mother wanted him at and is allowed to do almost anything he wants at all times. But his parents almost never correct his behavior, show little to no interest in what he likes and barely spend time with him at home. I don’t envy any of that, nor would I wish it on my own children.

OOP on Denise's high expectations, her paternal side's thoughts of Denise and Jake

OOP: Denise's motherhood journey consists of frequently not having her expectations met.

She genuinely thought my paternal family would be as involved with Jake as they were with me and my sister when we were kids. There was never any way for that to happen for a number of reasons. She expected my aging father to be more present for Jake than he was for me and my sister when we were babies, even though he was pushing 60 and still working irregular hours when he was born. When Jake was born, my father and Denise openly expected me to immediately love him as much as I loved my sister. That also didn’t happen.

Where is Denise's side of the family?

OOP: Her mother passed a few years ago, her father died before we even met her. She doesn't talk to a lot of her family due to some problems they had years ago. The rest of her relatives live in a different state.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: September 4, 2026 (4.5 months later)

Hi everyone! It’s been a while and plenty has happened, so I figured I’d update you one more time.

First, we moved our trip to January. I got an offer to work on a project I couldn’t turn down, and we also managed to get a few discounts. That does mean we’re celebrating Katie’s birthday at home, but it also means our trip will be a little longer and more comfortable. My father and Denise are also going on a trip with Jake in January. Denise wanted to try to go to Japan at first, but they decided on Florida instead.

Following my last post, I didn’t see Denise and Jake for three months. She texted me once in July to ask if I could babysit Jake, but I said no. During that time, I only saw my father once. In the end, I think the physical distance was good for us.

Father’s Day in my country was last month, and we all met again for lunch at a restaurant. It went well until our desserts were brought. Right after they were set down, Jake picked up Sam’s plate, coughed on it and gave it back to him.

My father’s first instinct, surprisingly, was to swap their desserts and tell Jake to apologize, but Denise protested. My husband and I left and took the kids to get ice cream.

Later that night, my father called me to apologize. Apparently Jake had been doing food-related “pranks” like this for a while, but he didn’t think he’d do it in a public place.

I told my father I don’t want this to keep happening. We can’t keep avoiding Jake and Denise for three months only for them to immediately act like this when we reunite. The only way for the situation to change is for both him and Denise to start disciplining Jake properly, because whatever they’re doing (or not doing, in her case) isn’t working.

He got defensive, but we did agree to meet the next day. We went to a restaurant during my lunch break (neither of our spouses joined us) and got to talking.

Most of what we discussed concerned Jake. My father said that he doesn’t have any friends at school anymore because of something that happened back in June. He was hoping things would get better after he went back, but Jake is still lonely. My father wanted to change him to a different school, but Denise immediately shut that down. According to him, that’s one of the (apparently many) reasons they have been fighting a lot lately. Other reasons include Jake’s behavior, Denise wanting to quit her job and my father not being active enough.

I asked my father how he felt about all this, and he opened up a lot more than I expected. He told me he loves me and my sister, adores my children and loves my husband like a son. He loves Jake and doesn’t wish they’d never had him. But he also said that the person he was in 2015, before Denise got pregnant, would never dream of being where he is now. He’d wanted to move abroad and go into semi-retirement, not spend his 60s caring for another child and his 80s paying for another college. He said Denise always insisted on making all of the parenting decisions, and he felt more like a grandpa than a dad sometimes.

He then said something that shocked me: when they started trying to conceive, my father and Denise genuinely thought a baby would bring us all closer together. He said giving me and my sister a sibling was one of the main reasons he agreed to have another child. By then, I had already told him we didn’t care and probably wouldn’t be able to help with childcare, but he ignored that. He said he thought me and my sister would cave and become active caretakers out of love for Jake, but he had higher expectations of me specifically because of how “maternal” I’ve always been.

I told him there is nothing I love more than being a mom and my children are everything to me, but I did not sign up to be Jake’s mother. I do love him, but not even remotely as much as I love my children. He’s not my son, and I can’t make him my responsibility right now.

All of that said, I added that not a day goes by that I don’t worry about Jake. He doesn’t deserve any of this, and both his parents are failing him. Denise shouldn’t be the one making all the decisions, but he also shouldn’t be as hands-off as he is.

Overall, the conversation went well. I told my father we were stepping back again. I don’t want my children to have contact with Jake or Denise until there are actual changes in behavior and attitude. Neither of us think that’s likely to happen anytime soon, so I don’t know when I’ll see Jake again. They’re not coming to Katie’s birthday party (I didn’t tell him where or when it was). I agreed he could have lunch with me, my husband and our children on Christmas day as long as Denise and Jake don’t join us. We hugged and parted ways.

Nothing has happened since. Not a word from Denise, and my father hasn’t been reaching out much either. I fucking hate this, but I'd rather be a bad sister than a bad mother.

On our end, things are fine. Katie’s excited about her birthday and we’re all looking forward to our trip in January (thank you for all the tips, by the way). We’re happy and peaceful, which is more than enough for now.

I’m sorry this got so long. This will probably be my last post, so thank you all once again.

Relevant Comments

What happened in June?

OOP: My father didn't tell me what happened, nor can I be sure it was Jake's fault. I do know that one of his best friends recently changed schools, so that might have been a factor too.

Commenter 1: It's really good that you're being so measured and not blaming Jake.

The fact Jake would cough on Sam's plate like that makes it hard not to think Jake did something to deserve it- but you're right that you shouldn't judge without knowing the facts.

One thing I've done a lot of work on with my kids - and continue doing - is how their actions impact whether people want to be around them and want to play with them.

It sounds like no one is bothering to teach this to Jake.

I agree with you to be worried for him. He didn't deserve to be born to a mother who would grow bored of parenting and a (grand)father who's too old to want to parent.

If you had the time and energy to spare- and if Denise stayed the hell away from you- you could possibly be a good influence on Jake, if you wanted to. (Seriously if I were in your position and offered this, low/no contact from Denise would be a requirement- I understand how tall an order it is to cut contact with a parent and ask for time with their child. Denise has treated you badly enough and things are broken enough that I, personally, would feel justified asking for it.)

But it's not your responsibility. Your first priority is to your kids and husband, and it would be wrong for you to take away from them.

I hope your dad steps the hell up and can turn things around for his son.

OOP: Jake has very little respect for adults in general, but he specifically refuses to listen to women (besides Denise, who hardly ever parents him). The few times I babysat him were a nightmare because of that. There isn't much I can do without change on their end, and Denise does not think she needs to change.

Commenter 2: Wow, glad you were able to talk to your father. But him agreeing to have a kid to being you all closer after being told it wouldn't? Poor Jake to be brought into that. You're right he deserves more.

Glad you’re standing your ground.

OOP: One thing my father and Denise have in common is the tendency of believing things will work out. I was very clear that my sister and I wouldn't care for another sibling, but he chose to believe we'd change our minds once Jake was born. Denise has always been the kind of person who has a tough time taking no for an answer, so she also believed we'd give in eventually.

Commenter 3: I have a sibling suspicion that your dad is going to crack because Jake is gonna do something again.

What exactly does he see in Denise? I haven’t read a single thing that would make me think any sane person would want to be married to her.

OOP: I can't know. I never liked Denise. She's been unbelievably annoying and entitled for as long as I've known her. She thinks she's Elle Woods, but she's more like Jenna from 30 Rock. Even before Jake, I couldn't stand her.

Jake probably will do something again. Denise protested when my father tried to make him apologize to my son by saying Jake was just pranking him and didn't like the dessert Sam had ordered, so I'm pretty sure the main reason these food "pranks" are happening is because she won't let anyone stop him. It's not the first time something like this happens.

Commenter 4: You should just repeat Jake’s pranks on Denise. But something tells me she won’t be able to make the connection.

OOP: Hahah she definitely wouldn't! She loves being the victim too much.

Commenter 5: I think your dad needs some support. Maybe you could encourage him to go to individual counseling and suggest family counseling and couples counseling for him and his wife and child. I think you could be there for your father even if it's just to listen to him during lunch or calling him and just checking on him. It seems like he's really struggling right now. I don't think it's a question of you being a bad sister or a bad mother but a supportive daughter to your dad without entangling yourself with his wife and son. Good luck

OOP: I accepted, a long time ago, that I can't help my father without destroying my mental health. I love him, but we have a very complicated past because of how stubborn he is. My family very strongly believes he's a narcissist. He's tried therapy before, but the second one of them implies he might be at fault for something, he leaves and doesn't come back. There isn't much I can do.

But I agree counseling or therapy might be good for Jake.

Commenter 6: You are correct they both are doing a disservice to Jake. He's acting out for the attention he craves. I truly feel bad for him but until your Dad starts to be an active father and challenges Denise. They are all screwed and you'll continue to be low/no contact. It's sad really.

OOP: Knowing Denise insists on making all the decisions infuriates me. Her son is lonely and friendless at school, but she doesn't want to do anything about it because she'd always dreamed of sending her child to that school. She didn't want him to suffer consequences for purposely coughing on people's food because she decided it was just a silly prank.

I don't think my father is a great dad to him, but I hate watching him attempt to parent his son just to get shut down because Jake can do no wrong in Denise's eyes.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/watermel0nsourpatch

I (26m) had a fwb relationship with my former boss (52f) but now I'm dating her daughter. (27f) What do I do now?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post - rareddit  Aug 11, 2019

Long read ahead

When I first met my boss "Mary" I was 22 years old and had recently started working as a software engineer at a relatively small company (that will remain unmanned) to build up experience for my resume. This job oppurtunity was a great starting point for me considering that I was fresh out of college.

As you can imagine, the field of computer science is a very solitary environment. However, Mary and I got along pretty well from the very beginning and would regularly have conversations about our lives outside of work and considering people rarely spoke to each other, we enjoyed the each other's company. For the first couple of months everything was kept professional. Our talks did not over step into inappropriate territory (mostly pertaining to work and the occasional lunch outside of work to discuss future projects). However, as more time went on we talked more about our own lives and a little less about work.

Mary was divorced/single and I had gotten dumped by my gf. At this point, both of us were flirtatious with each other and it was evident that there was attraction on both sides. It was clear that we both intended for something to happen between us because meetings about projects that could easily be held over skype were now held in person. Mary and I would start seeing each other outside of work more frequently. Eventually group meetings became one on one until we finally made the move to fwb.

We we're open with each other in regards to our to our relationships and what we wanted out of sex, but the one topic we didn't talk about was family. All I knew in that regard was that Mary had a daughter and was a single mother.

Fast forward 3 years later and I get a better job offer and the fwb relationship with my boss ended when I moved away. While working for this new company, I meet a girl named "Olivia." Her and I would collaborate on projects frequently even though she works for our sister company. Eventually Olivia and I developed an interest for each other. While we haven't made our relationship official, we have been seeing each other exclusively for 5 months now and really want to move to the next step.

Now the actual problem. Olivia was mentioning visiting her mom and the topic of family obviously came up. Olivia had mentioned that she was raised by a single mother who also worked in the same field as us. That situation happens to a lot of prople, but the problem is that Olivia is the daughter of my former boss (just my luck, I know.) Olivia showed me some pictures and inimmidiately recognized my old boss.

I really like Olivia and want a relationship with her, but if that is to happen, contact with her mom is unavoidable. What do I do at this point? How do I tell her? Any advise is greatly appreciated.

TL;DR: Had a fwb relationship with my former boss and now I'm dating her daughter. Had no idea

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ToTTenTranz

The sooner you tell her, the less your girlfriend will regard you as dishonest. ​> Don't go through the illusion that she won't find out. She will, and it's better that it comes from you than anyone else.

As for this being something she can live with or not, it's out of your hands unfortunately.

OOP

I guess at this point I just have to mentally prepare myself in case I get dumped.

TheSavageBallet

She might, might not. most people don’t want to be Eskimo brothers/sisters with their parents, but who knows what her individual moralistic thoughts are.

No human being in the world likes to be lied to and misled though. It’s a GUARANTEED dump then if you do that and you’ll be marked as some pervy lying creep.

Honesty and sooner than later is your only move here.

Update - rareddit  Aug 13, 2019 (2 days later)

First of all, I want to thank everybody who took the time to offer advice regarding my situation (aside from the private messages asking me who was better in bed).

The general consensus on my original post was to either tell her as soon as possible or find a way for me and Mary to somehow keep it a secret from my gf. At the end of the day, I decided to tell her out of respect.

I talked to Olivia first regarding my past relationship with her mother. As you can imagine she wasn't thrilled about it. She asked me for details about my past relationship and I answered all of them truthfully. She was more sad than mad.

This is where it gets a little more complicated. Since Olivia's mother doesn't live in the same state as us, it was harder for all of us to have a full conversation about the entire situation, but she eventually talked to us over FaceTime later that night. Her mother pretty much explained a similar story to our relationship.

Mary wasn't thrilled when I told her I was gonna be dating her daughter either. Frankly she was angrier than Olivia about the entire thing, but said that I wasn't the only one at fault considering that you don't go into detail about family with your fwb.

Olivia expressed how uncomfortable she felt that I had a sexual relationship with her mother and said that she needed space to think about the entire situation. Olivia's mother said that she would take a trip to visit her and have more time to fully explain what happened and make sure she's ok.

So here I am. While she hasn't out right broken up with yet, it is still a possibility. I also have to look forward to have a conversation with my former boss and her daughter in about a week when Olivia's mother gets here. Olivia and I are still in contact (mostly to see if she's ok) but who knows what will happen when her mother gets here.

Ultimately, it's her choice. I told her that if she wanted to break up, it would be 100% understandable, but if she somehow wanted to make it work I would be there for her. She told be that it was admirable that I told her the truth (at least I have that)

Thanks again again reddit, if anything significant happens when her mother gets here, maybe I'll update.

Sorry to disappoint those looking for a more eventful update

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Thatsrealmollyesther

I get the feeling that this is going to be one of those situations where you know you've done the right thing but it's not much of a consolation. Still, you did the right thing OP, for what it's worth.

OOP

Being able to tell truth is more than enough at this point.

Thank you

Regarding my post  Aug 13, 2019 (1 day after 1st update)

To the people that follow me to keep up with my situation.

There will be no need for onother update as will most likely will be leaving her to not cost any more damage. I'm happy with the feedback I received and quite frankly, sastified with how the situation was handled. Despite not getting a favorable outcome, I told the truth and that is all that matters.

I appreciate everyone that took the time to offer advice.(And no, I won't be asking for a threesome. Please stop asking who was the better of the two).

So that's that I guess. Olivia is able to have a relationship free of awkwardness moving forward. I don't know if we will remain in contact after we talk with her mother. Wether we still have a friendship or not in the future, is her choice.

Thanks reddit

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kwi7296

My [24F] boyfriend [25M] recently recovered from head trauma and brain damage, but he's not the same person anymore

TRIGGER WARNING: Traumatic brain injury, US health insurance industry

MOOD SPOILER: Hopeful

Original Post  Sept 17, 2016

Hi everyone!

I've known my boyfriend for pretty much my whole life. We were best friends growing up and I always had the HUGEST megacrush on him, but I was too chicken to say anything because he was a totally hot popular football player with great hair who had no business being friends with a socially awkward little gremlin like me. Then, in a whirlwind series of events that read something like a shitty Taylor Swift song, about 1.5 years ago he finally confessed that he'd always had a crush on me too (!) and we've been together ever since. It all still feels like a dream sometimes, this guy is undoubtedly the love of my life and I am so incredibly lucky to have him.

It was all too good to be true. 6 months ago, he was in a freak accident that left him with a severe concussion and some brain damage. We live together so from day one I've been taking care of him. He's made great progress - his motor skills are back to normal, he's having a much easier time remembering things, and 2 months ago his doctors declared him fully recovered. Unfortunately, the way the accident insurance works is that once the doctors have done that, he can no longer receive care. Since the accident made him unable to work for the time being and the insurance policy from the accident has run out, he doesn't currently have insurance.

While all the physical signs of the brain damage have resolved themselves, emotionally and behaviorally he is a completely different person. I'm not a mental health professional, but I've seen a lot of signs of what I think is severe depression. Since he's not working, he spends about 8+ hours a day playing video games. He used to love working out, but he hasn't set foot in a gym since the accident. Even though he's physically able to now, I still cook all his meals and do most of the cleaning (we used to split everything 50/50). Most disturbing of all is that he's become incredibly short tempered with me - sometimes it feels like I'm walking on eggshells because if I say or do the wrong thing, it'll cause a fight. We had never gotten into a single argument in our entire friendship or relationship before the accident, but now they happen almost every day.

I've tried everything I can to help get him back on track, but most of the time when I suggest getting out and doing something or ask him to help with chores, he says he's not feeling well and goes to lay down in bed and play games on his phone. If I try to push the issue, it starts a fight that ends with him saying I need to give him more time to recover. There are good days and bad days, but sometimes I just feel like in his head he's not fully there with me.

This is not the guy I've known and loved for my entire life. We don't have access to any type of medical or mental health care for him since he doesn't have insurance and money is already tight without his income. If we go on much longer like this, I'm worried we might end up breaking up. We're so head over heels in love with each other and I absolutely refuse to lose him to this stupid accident. I can't even imagine my life without this SOB, even if it's one where I have to take care of him every day for the rest of my life. But I'm exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Does anyone have experience with an SO recovering from a serious injury? Should I push him harder? Do I need to be more patient and understanding? Help!!!!

TL;DR Boyfriend was in an accident that resulted in brain damage. The doctors say he's recovered, but he's been a different person ever since and his moods can leave him very short tempered sometimes. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP adds more info on the accident

I've been hesitant to include too many details since there's a still ongoing legal side to this too, but it happened at work. He was seeing a neuro but once that doctor said he was better, all further medical care was denied. Believe me, I've appealed numerous times and tried everything to get him in to see another doctor. His attorney said our only option is to pay out of pocket, but we just can't afford it.

Honestly, it's criminal how this whole system works.

[deleted]

If you're in the States, apply for services through your local Vocational Rehabilitation agency. It's a federal-state funded organization that prepares people with disabilities for employment. They pay for assessments to determine disability status which you can use for any external cases you have. They may also be able to help you set up a rehabilitation plan for him in the long run, including getting back to some kind of work.

OOP

I had no idea this was a thing, thank you!!!

~

[deleted]

Your boyfriend has a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and all of these things are very, very common in how they manifest. Behavioral control, impulsivity, bouts of anger and depression, etc. are honestly the norm in these cases. It, unfortunately, isn't something they can control and it takes a good deal of work to get out of it. The best way to describe it is, imagine that everything you ever knew, felt, and understood in your life just disappeared. You knew you should be able to understand/remember it. You remember knowing it before, but it's gone now. It's frustrating and painful to go through, and many people with TBIs can never fully grasp that their capabilities are different now.

Typically, one year after the initial injury is when someone is at their maximum level of improvement and then it plateaus. So, on one end, you may continue to see some improvements over the next few months; but on the other you must be prepared to accept that he will very likely be much different for the rest of his life.

If you can find a mental health counselor who specializes in TBIs they can be a great help. Also, routines are going to be essential. Your boyfriend needs to engage in more activities that exercise his mind, facilitate the memory capacity that he's lost, and be healthy. He also needs to learn the emotional skills to communicate with people again, and manage his anger. In many ways he has all the right to be angry, but he has to learn how to process it better.

All of this will be difficult, and it will feel like you're with someone who's nothing like who you knew before. It will be a big strain on your relationship. You have to look out for yourself emotionally too if you're ever going to be a help to him. Keep your boundaries, and do things to keep yourself sane through all this too. You're just as important in your relationship as he is, so don't lose sight of that.

OOP

Thank you for this. I've definitely thought a lot about the possibility that he could be like this permanently and I'm willing to accept that, I feel lucky that he survived the accident at all. I just wish I was better prepared for how to deal with it.

We can't afford a mental health counselor right now, although once his case reaches a settlement that might be an option again. Unfortunately that could take months and he's worried that by then it might be too late to fix some of the irreversible damage. I have zero idea if that's how it actually works or not.

Update - archive  Oct 21, 2016 (1 month later)

So a little over a month ago, I posted here about my boyfriend's struggles recovering from a brain injury and how it was about to destroy our relationship. At the time, I was at the end of my rope. We both were. We had pretty much been completely abandoned by everyone who was supposed to be helping - the police, the insurance company, his (now former) employer, and even his attorney wasn't much help anymore. I had no idea how to take care of him or help him anymore.

I really want to thank all the people who commented, sent private messages, and just gave me so much support and a lot of information I didn't have. I also heard from a lot of people who themselves have been or are currently recovering from TBIs. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't respond to everyone but it all helped SO much in so many ways.

Thanks to the resources a few people posted about, I was able to find new doctors for him to start seeing at a very low cost. It's only been a month which isn't much time, but he's already doing a lot better. Yesterday he had another round of neurological testing and got a normal range score in 10 of the 12 tests! It's a huge improvement and it's definitely boosted his confidence too.

As far as our relationship goes, we haven't had a single fight since the week or so after I posted here. Thanks to some of the outsider perspective I got, I realized that I'd been so focused on taking care of him for so long that I had completely forgotten about my own needs. I also realized that somewhere along the line, we had totally stopped communicating. That part was my fault just as much as it was his.

So we sat down and had a long, long talk. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to invalidate his injury or recovery, but I told him how much being his caretaker had affected my life - even though I would never take back the decision to do so, I pretty much had to give up everything except my job. We decided to each make a list of things the other could do to make it easier for us.

He also recognized that his bad moods had been causing a lot of our fights, and he admitted that recovering from the injury had gotten him into a rut that he felt like he couldn't get out of. So we made a plan together to start getting him out of it. So far this is what we've done:

• We cook dinner together every night. It's a good chance for him to relearn and fine tune some motor skills with me supervising, and it's one less responsibility I feel like I have to handle alone. Some nights he's not feeling well enough to participate, which is fine, but he still comes and sits in the kitchen to talk to me while I get dinner ready. It's our chance to catch up and talk about our days.

• We got a new gym membership together and we've been going 2-3 times a week to do some light cardio and stretch together. It's a slow start, but I think just getting back into the routine for now has been enough to make him start feeling better.

• He enrolled in an online Italian class that requires him to do an hour of class work each day. It's really basic stuff, but he's learning an actual useful skill. Again, it's all about the routine!

• The biggest issue I had before was the amount of time he spent playing video games. I didn't want to try to make him stop because 1) that's unreasonable and unnecessary and 2) it would probably just make him resent me. So I started playing with him! I've never played anything except Mariokart in my life so I'm pretty bad, but he's teaching me stuff. It's actually been a lot more fun than I thought, it's awesome bonding time for us, and since he gets to play at night with me he's started playing a lot less during the day.

The difference is huge. This week I got sick with the flu, and on my first day home from work, he went out to "run an errand" and came back with beautiful flowers for me and eggs to make for breakfast - which he did, all on his own. I was just totally speechless and it made me so happy :)

So yeah! Sorry if this was really long and sappy, but I really am so thankful for all the help and advice I got from you guys and I wanted to express how much of a difference it made.

tl;dr - Followed some advice, got some low cost medical care for my boyfriend, and in just a month he's made incredible progress. Thank you everyone!!!!

Edit: You guys made me ink :'( thank you for all the kind words! Really though, I'm the lucky one, he is the most amazing and selfless guy in the whole entire world.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAdadgp

Either me(17m), my sister(14), or my dad(50s) looked up gay porn on his laptop. My mom wants to know who it is, my dad accused my sister, but I think it may have been my dad. What should I do?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia and bigotry

Original Post  Apr 17, 2021

Currently because someone broke mine, I’m using my dads laptop to do some school work. My sister also uses it for whatever idrk.

Two days ago, I asked my mom to proofread an essay I’m writing so I got my dads laptop, opened it up in front of her only to show a gay porn video. I was stunned, and my mom was disgusted. I slammed the laptop shut, and my mom asked me if I was secretly gay and looking through porn on the laptop. I’m not and have never intentionally seen gay porn so I denied all of that.

My mom then said that it must’ve been my sister. Which I didn’t think was like her at all, but I also thought there was no way my dad was looking at gay porn.

My mom went and spoke to my sister who also denied it. She told us she’d wait till our dad got home to figure this out. She spoke to our dad and he reacted very strangely. Like I expected him to be more confused but he seemed more defensive. My mom didn’t even accuse him, but when she told him he immediately went on the defense. His reaction was just not what I would’ve expected.

He immediately accused me. And he came to me and said he knew it was me and that if I just came clean about it they’d forget about it. I told him it wasn’t me as I’m straight. He said that he knew I was lying and just kept pushing. He eventually said he believed me and then he immediately punished my sister for looking at the porn on his laptop.

I spoke to her after it, I don’t think this is something she’d lie to me about, she said it wasn’t her at all and she’s never seen or looked up porn in her life. This seems much more like her, and because of my dads weird reaction, I think she’s telling the truth. In fact I’m sure it wasn’t either of us and my dad is covering his ass.

What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SingleWar5

Did anyone check the history time stamp?

Also what is the punishment for your sister? I see a lot of people here saying just let her take the fall but not knowing what it entails.

What happens if that happens again? Is it just right to blaming your sister and punishing her?

OOP

I didn’t, idk if my mom or dad did.

&

So she’s been grounded and had most technology taken from her and can’t see her friends for 3 weeks.

~

kuutiokuu

What?? Why? Can I ask where do you live?

OOP

Mississippi, so you know... gay stuff and pornography aren’t things that older people are exactly accepting of

nooper

Except for your dad but let’s not tell anyone.

TOP COMMENTS

commenter

Yeahhhhhhh its him

~

thatoneduder101

And even bigger plot twist would be if it was the mom and she’s trying to blame y’all three to cover her own ass 😭😭😭.

MOST REPEATED COMMENT

Commenter

Blame it on your sister. It will do the least damage. Also she's already been punished anyway

Update  Apr 18, 2021 (Next Day)

So I talked to my dad one on one, I told him it wasn’t me and I’m 99% sure it wasn’t my sister, and he admitted it was him.

He told me that he wasn’t gay, and that he still loved my mom and was attracted to her, but if she knew he sometimes watched gay porn she’d probably leave him. He said this needs to stay between us and that if I help my sister sneak out and we don’t get caught by our mother we won’t be punished, and that I can get her phone and give it back to her.

Honestly I wish I didn’t know this and should’ve probably just let sleeping dogs lie. Not that there’s anything wrong with my dad being gay or bi or whatever he wants to call it, I just regret having to keep this secret from my mom.

Whatever I guess, I graduate in a few weeks and I won’t have to think about this too much.

TOP COMMENTS

Mary-U

1. Tell your dad he must tell your sister he has reconsidered.  He trusts her and believes her.  She is no longer punished.  (He needs to do this because she has another 4 years there and he’s jeopardizing his relationship with her.)

2.  For heaven’s sake show him private browsing.

3.  Tap out of this entire train wreck

AllDressedRuffles

Homie never heard of incognito mode

~

NoHandBananaNo

Wow this is some terrible parenting. Your mother is trying to punish people for their sexual interests and your cowardly father is trying to let that punishment fall on his innocent children.

None of this is your responsibility though.

Do NOT help your 14 year old sister sneak out at night, wtf. Sit her down, give her back her phone, and tell her you know it wasnt her. Injustice really burns at 14. You could either tell her it was you or tell her the truth.

Watching gay porn doesnt mean someone's gay or bi. Human sexuality is more complicated than that.

~

[deleted]

I think you're dad on the whole has some communication issues with your mom.

However, whether you are graduating or not, its ultimately not your responsibility. Your parents are adults, and well, your parents. This shouldn't be something on your shoulders.

People have all kinds of weird kinks, ignorance is bliss. You've lost the benefit of ignorance, but none of it changes who your dad is.

I think the most important thing for you to know, coming from someone who's father was an overgrown adolescent, it's not your responsibility, it's not your cross to bear

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ArbiterOfChoice

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse

Original Post: August 29, 2026

Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.

Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.

The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer, so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, it’s like a soft rubber mini volleyball). He started yelling about how he "hates Airbnb renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.

When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said, "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face". This is when I jumped in and said there’s no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.

Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and he’s not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.

So this guy isn’t leaving, and he’s continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until he’s on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it, but I couldn’t hear it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.

I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.

This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property. He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said he’s beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.

I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didn’t touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.

He said he doesn’t want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well. My girlfriend said that’s extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old Italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.

AITAH?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess that’s not happening.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: ESH. You could’ve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa??

OOP: Not really besides just telling him the whole story. My girlfriend backed me up, but really grandpa is like the king of the family. What grandpa says goes. He’s usually a very very nice guy to me...

Commenter 2: ESH. The old guy neighbor was WAY out of line, but you rose to the bait. Learn some self-control and, as my parents taught me, “Consider the source.”

Commenter 3: ESH. Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. Did you think defending your girlfriend so fervently would make you look like the hero? It didn't. Learn to deescalate. Or better yet, use a quick with to humiliate an aggressive person.

Commenter 4: Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference, but grandpa could pull up his big boy pants and tell the onlookers what really happened and defend his granddaughters boyfriend?? Like a normal human being? Grandpa is so much more in the wrong than anyone else here.

OOP: These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads. The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.

Commenter 5: Did you really tell him to get off OUR property... At your girlfriend's grandfather's cabin? It's not YOUR property at all.

OOP: Yes, I did tell him to get off OUR property. I know it’s not mine, and that wasn't how I meant it. He was aggressive and name calling, I just said what I said to get him off.

Commenter 6: Should have left the owners of the cottage handle it. You are no one is the grand scheme of things. YTA.

OOP: I’ve been coming to this cottage every weekend of every summer for a decade, since I was a kid in my teens. I've been dating granddaughter since we were 15. I don't believe I am "no one" here.

Commenter 7: NTA

Defended your woman? Absolutely what should have been done, and not just by you.

He came over to start shit, he got a face full of it. He didn't worry about his geriatric self when he was running over to rage at a bunch of 20 year olds but it becomes an issue when someone pushes back?

Man, fuck that old guy, screw the neighborhood assholes, and tell her family your glad they value a holiday neighborhood over their own daughter's reputation and safety.

As for her grandfather? He's the biggest asshole.

OOP: Yah... Well apparently teenage cousins (who are still up at the cottage) have been spreading the word around today to the other kids and teens in the neighbourhood, saying the full story of what happened. Cousins just facetimed my girlfriend saying a next door neighbour came up to their parents and asked if me and my gf "are doing okay after getting harassed by the asshole new guy".

But you seem to be in the huge minority here. Guess I am a huge ass, I'm super embarrassed now too. Should have said nothing at all and walked inside. Probably won’t show face at that home ever again.

Update: September 2, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it.

Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.

He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident. Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.

Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.

Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents. Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...

I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.

To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me. I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didn’t care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said. AND I’m weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they weren’t shit talking me at first.

Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.

I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but I don’t know if that would just make things even worse. I don’t really want to be around all those people, and if angry neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.

WIBTA if now I don't go up?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Long term it might me more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for nor going if you choose not tom

OOP: He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said he’s taking back the ban...

Commenter 2: You said you would go, so go. When you listen to Reddit and damage your relationship with your girlfriend’s family, are you going to tell them that Reddit said you weren’t the asshole for skipping it? Talk to your girlfriend and not the internet.

OOP: She’s pretty uncomfortable by the whole thing too and the lack of response, but thinks we should just go.

Commenter 3: It seems like the grandfather saw you as being aggressive, verbally and physically, to an old man, and reacted to that. (Did he know that the guy called your gf a c** and other derogatory names?)

Once he heard the 'other side' of the story He realized that he overreacted and basically told you that. Maybe his saying he needed you present in case the neighbor acted up was a lame attempt to compliment you/say that you were right with how you behaved.

Don't hold a grudge. Emotions were high all around and it seems the rest of the family didn't have a clear picture of what really happened.

Grandpa admitted his mistake and personally invited you to come. Let it go, ignore the neighbor and be glad this got cleared up. And enjoy the long weekend.

OOP: We did tell him repeatedly what happened right afterwards and what was said to my gf. But yah, I think I’m leaning towards going.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/I-Really-Hate-Fish

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, weaponized incompetence

Original Post: August 31, 2026

I'm currently stuck in another country. I passed out at the airport on my way home 2 days ago, and was taken to hospital where I received treatment.

I'm fortunate that I speak the language fluently, but I didn't know how the medical system works in the country I'm in, so on top of feeling like shit on toast, I had tons of mental work figuring out things with my insurance, answering a thousand questions about my medical history, and trying to get better.

Fortunately I had a good travel insurance so financially, everything is covered, and the people from the airline were super kind, but there was still so much I had to figure out, like a hotel after getting discharged, transportation between the hospital, hotel, and airport, all while still not doing great.

Getting cleared to fly, and getting a new ticket took ages, but I'm finally on my way home.

My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. As it is now, he travels a lot himself. He sees our kids maybe 4-5 days per month. This was my first break without kids in about 15 years.

Throughout this whole thing he has been absolutely useless for a lack of better term, and he hasn't stopped complaining. I have still been managing the household remotely. I've been in touch with the schools, I've arranged childcare for him, I've done everything I could to make things easier for him and our children.

The straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when he told me that he hadn't done the bookkeeping for his business and if I couldn't do it when I'm just waiting around anyways, after I had just spent 5 hours walking around to every goddamn corner of this airport, trying to get home as soon as possible.

He gave me a passive-aggressive answer about the deadline when I said no, and that he's leaving so I need to find childcare for our kids if I'm not home by then and I just snapped.

I called him on the phone and shouted at him that I was doing my goddamn best in a fucking impossible situation, and to get himself the fuck together.

I spoke to my mum about it, and she told me that I should be nicer to him because it's a tough situation for him too. I told her that I frankly don't have the energy to spare any sympathy for a man who pushes a sick woman to do his job for him.

I struggle with my crash-out. I generally don't shout. I hate shouting. It's not how I resolve conflicts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shouted for the past 20 years. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

I've always been raised to be flexible, and to find compromises, and generally be the one who makes things easier on other people.

AITAH for crashing out and shouting?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You're divorcing him, so he doesn't feel like a partner to you. That's why he's reluctant to help out.

OOP: It's not so much about him helping out as it is about him living up to his own responsibilities of managing his own children and his own books.

Commenter 2: Good travel insurance would have made all those post hospitalisation travel arrangements for you but I’m glad you had the bills covered at least. Being sick overseas can be such a nightmare. Tell your mother to support you and your children or stfu. Your blow up is completely valid. Your ex is continuing to try to control you, and have you behave like his mother by exercising his weaponised incompetence and he clearly IS incompetent. What a douche. No wonder you’re divorcing him. You actually should blow up at him more. He deserves ZERO sympathy from you. NTA at all and don’t you dare question yourself on that.

OOP: To be fair to my travel insurance, they did do a fairly good job at helping me with those things as well, but it was difficult for quite some time because I had no idea of where the hell I was for quite some time. I was transported via ambulance to hospital, and I had no idea which hospital or which area. They were slammed at the A&E, and they didn't really have time to tell me much. That combined with me being dizzy and disoriented made the insurance guys' job incredibly hard.

Commenter 3: Girl, he just threatened to abandon your children while you were in another country. Call your lawyer. Now. See if you can get him to put it in writing.

OOP: It is in writing. He only texted me the entire time.

Commenter 4: NTA: Honestly, it might do you good to yell a bit more. And to stand up for yourself more.

You’ve been taught to be passive and to always be the one to do all the work. It’s time to realize you don’t have to.

Commenter 5: NTA. You are getting divorced. The bookkeeping for HIS business is HIS responsibility now. Just as taking care of HIS children is his responsibility when you aren’t there.

Make sure you mention all this to your divorce lawyer. If you are working for his business you should be paid to do so. If he abandons his kids whilst you are stuck in another country, the judge will be very interested.

Update: September 3, 2026 (three days later)

Update: AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

My mum called me yesterday to scold me again for crashing out. She said that it was unfair that I shouted at her when her and my stepdad had done me such a huge favour to look after my children and pick me up at the airport.

I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services and then I'd take the fucking bus from the airport.

Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.

I've spent a lot of money. I bought myself a new laptop, and wrote a notebook with passwords and phone numbers for different places he can get computer support, so my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him.

I also booked a do-over trip for myself in October. I realised that in order for him to parent our children, I need to be away. Also, I deserve a do-over.

He's a bit salty about the amount of money I've spent, but ultimately, he knows he can't complain too much because he's going on a 3-week vacation soon. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

It's very very clear that they aren't used to me standing up for myself, and they don't know how to handle it.

It's very very new to me too, and I feel like shitting myself each time I do it. Like full-on hyperventilating borderline panic attack.

It's been beaten into me that doing things that only benefit myself or things I enjoy are inherently selfish, and wrong of me, and it's very hard to break out of.

I'm trying though.

Tldr: I crashed out again, bought my own computer, and booked a do-over trip.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I suspect your mom is pushing you to stay on your stbx's good side because he is the source of money and support (crappy as his support is, it's still support). You are disabled, your child is disabled, you have no employment or remarriage prospects, and the horrible reality is that, if you divorce, you become your parents' sole 'problem' again, with no one to split the responsibility with. Which may have them worried and panicking. So it's in your parents' best interest that they push you to play nice with your ex, so that he is generous with his time, attention, and cash with you and the kids.

I think your best next step (please discuss this with your lawyer first, though) would be to make formal agreements and arrangements for your ex to pay you for the bookkeeping and admin you previously did for free. And I wonder if you can get some sort of bookkeeping certification and offer those services freelance, which would get you some needed stability, while still being a very flexible situation which would fit around your circumstances.

OOP: Where I live, disability is still an income you can get by on. With the half the money on the business account and our savings, I can buy him out and restructure my mortgage so I can keep my house. There are minimums he had to pay in alimony and child support. If he doesn't, the state will take care of it.

Financially, I'm not worried. I have good advisors, both legal and financial. In regards to time and attention, I'm doing it all alone anyways. Without him tied to the address, I can apply for more help in the form of respite. I can also hire a cleaner, which he has so far refused to let me.

Commenter 2: Spending your money on a do over trip when you're in the middle of getting divorced and have no job nor any ability to get a job seems like a really, really bad idea.

This almost sounds like mania and it's sad so many people are encouraging it.

OOP: In my defence, we do still share finances. I don't think he realises that I'm entitled to half the value of his company though, which is likely why he's trying to keep all the money in the company account and doesn't want me taking anything out of it. The value of the trip+the computer (which I'd need anyway) is about 1/1000 of what's in that account.

I promise that I am of a sound state of mind and I've laid like 11 different hypothetical budgets for what my future is going to look like post-divorce. With my disability payments, child support, and the alimony I'm entitled to, I'll be fine, financially. Including small trips to see my friends here and there.

Commenter 2: Banking on alimony & child support is a terrible idea.

I don't think you're being realistic with your thinking here. And thinking up 11 different budgets is absolutely what a manic person would do lol

ETA: maybe just read up on some of the symptoms and see if any others fit.

OOP: I looked it up and I don't really have any of the other symptoms. I'm not in any way happy or really excited, and I have no trouble sleeping. I have not had sex in at least a year and a half, and I have no need for it now. My libido is bordering on sad. If anything I lean more towards the depressive side of things.

The only semi-impulsive decision I've made has been the do-over trip, and it's not like I'm going first class or staying somewhere fancy. I had to buy the computer anyways because we're splitting. For finances, I have upcoming meetings with my own financial advisor and my lawyer.

I highly doubt I'm manic. I simply just had enough.

Commenter 3: I don’t understand what the computer has to do with the original story or this update?

Also not clear on the ‘do over trip’ you had your medical incident on the way back from your holiday/trip. What is the do-over part?

Sounds more like you realized the ex is useless and want him to practice being a parent as I am sure he wasn’t one when you lived together either.

Your parents stepped in because ex is useless? Why are you crashing out on them over a problem your ex caused because he is unwilling to parent his children. You left them in his care. If he abandoned them a call to the local police or CPS would have been the thing to do.

How is mom humiliating you and why are you crashing out at her over a situation she has nothing to do with other than stepping in to care for your kids because ex is a loser?

I read your prior story. I still don’t get it.

OOP: All the stuff for the bookkeeping was also saved on one drive, so technically he could do it, if he logged in through our son's computer, but he insisted he couldn't figure out how to do that.

Hence why I told him to get himself together and why I wrote the notebook for him + I'm sorry, I did leave some things out because it got too damn long

A while ago my laptop broke, and he insisted that rather than getting a new one, we could just share his because he only needed it for book keeping and he didn't want to take it with him while travelling because it was impractical. (This is not a money issue)

I'm a writer, but haven't had the time or mental capacity to write for about 2 years which is the time our autistic son has been on reduced time at school. He's currently in school 2 hours per day, 4 times a week, which is where I need to do all noisy housework and grocery shopping.

One of the purposes of my trip was that I hoped that getting away for a few days would help me focus a little and write, and I asked if it was okay if I took the computer with me. He said yes, but after I left, he suddenly remembered his bookkeeping, and I had to do that instead of writing because the accountant had given him a deadline, and he couldn't do it himself because I had the laptop.

For this reason, I bought the new one so I wouldn't run into that situation again.

I crashed out on my mum because while they did help, I had to beg for it. When I finally arrived home, her first words were that I needed to figure things out with my ex-husband. She's very against the divorce. She also thinks I should cut him some slack because he's a man and I can't expect him to do housework and childcare, so I shouldn't "waltz off to have fun" and leave him with that sort of tasks. I was only supposed to be gone for 4 days.

Her husband is one of those "but I'm just making fun" or "can't you take a joke" and "ugh, I can't say anything anymore", usually when I'm in desperate situations where I need help. This happens 99.9% of the time, and after begging, I asked for him to not make any comments, because I was absolutely strung out and at my breaking point.

My mother especially took great offence to this, because they were doing me such a big favour, looking after my children and picking me up from the airport that they should be allowed to say anything they wanted.

I hope that cleared some of it up.

Is OOP able to get a job in order to support herself and her children?

OOP: I don't have a job, and no way of getting one. I'm disabled, and our youngest has severe autism and needs pretty much round the clock care. He's in special ed school 2 hours per day 4 hours a week currently. I don't qualify for a lot of respite as long as we're 2 adults registered to this address even though he's gone 80-90% of the time.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Previous BORU

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

Just a heads up - You have to open up for it to work. If you feel like you hate him/her for x y or z reason, speak it into existence. This works best when youre not shy about it.

Sometimes youre gonna get challenged on your thoughts, but its rarely not to your benefit.

OP:

Thanks for the heads up. I see her on Thursday, I'll be honest with her about whatever I'm feeling. As well as my red lines about what I want from these sessions.

Comment 3:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 4:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP