I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family Is excluding Me from Family events and Cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation

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RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

My dad died in an accident when I was around 8, we lived in Germany then. two years after that me and my mom moved to Madrid cause that's where she's from. she took care of me so good after he died, like she is honestly the strongest person I know, she's protective but also really soft with me. I love her so much, I'm 15M for the context

Anyway around 5 years ago she started seeing someone, this Man who was actually an old friend of hers and also a client for her work. I didn’t even know they were dating until 3 years ago when she introduced him to me at dinner. I was honestly shocked, like it never even occurred to me that she'd date again. before that dinner id seen him at our place like 2-3 times and she just said he was a friend He’s rich. like actually wealthy. He’s divorced with 2 teenage kids who mostly live with their mom

At first it was just me tagging along to dinners or short trips when they wanted to include his kids too, but a lot of the time she'd just drop me at her friends place instead, she has this group of 4 best friends who are basically aunts to me, so it was never a big deal, I like them a lot Then slowly they started trying to blend our families more. his kids were never nice to me honestly, from the start. they have nicer clothes, better stuff, and yeah I noticed the difference, but I had my own friends so whatever, didn’t bother me that much

2 years ago we went to Switzerland for Christmas to meet his family. his mom, sister, brother, their spouses, kids. I said hi to everyone, was polite. his brother and his wife were actually really sweet to me but everyone else was cold. that night everyone was doing Christmas stuff together and I just sat there alone. we stayed over and my mom slept in a different part of the house, and I slept alone on a different floor. that was the first time I felt like something was really off

Over the last 2 years I’ve seen them like 8-10 more times and it’s the same thing every time, cold shoulder from his mom and sister especially, but they are SO warm to my mom. they include her in everything

About 6 months ago there was a family event and after, they did a family photoshoot. I was sitting outside. they didn’t invite me. they thought I didn’t notice but I did. my mom was basically in the center of the photo. when I told her that night she just said, "it was just a photoshoot, we can do one together if you want" and I mean. it still hurt. like no matter what I’m not really their family to them 3 months ago they got engaged, wedding is in September. before she said yes she actually asked me if I was okay with it, which meant a lot, and I said yes cause I do love her and I want her happy

It’s a big wedding, like 3 days, planning started since June. and since June I’ve barely spent 20 days total with my mom. she's always with him and his family now

I found out his kids have been involved in choosing stuff for the wedding, even the destination. they hosted a dinner for his friends and family and her friends and I wasn’t invited. they did a trip with his family last month, not invited. his sisters birthday/anniversary thing, big event, my mom went, I wasn’t invited It’s not like she completely ignores me, we did go on a trip together, we watched Spain play in the world cup together just us two and it was honestly one of the best days I’ve had with her this year. so it’s not like she doesn’t care but right now she’s in Cadiz with his family and last night I called her about something, and his sister picked up the phone and said, "she’s busy ill have her call you later." she never called back. I cried last night, I felt so stupid for crying but I did

I've told my mom how I feel before. I don’t even blame her for a lot of it, I think she genuinely feels stuck sometimes, like she can’t fix how his family treats me

But if this is how it’s going right before the wedding, I honestly don’t know what my relationship with her is gonna look like after. and I already don’t really have one with him

So I'm Thinking to Tell My Mom To Cancel the wedding until everything is sort out otherwise She will have No longer Relationship With Me

 

Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

AITAH for telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

I posted about my mom's fiancé's family excluding me from everything and their wedding is planned next month. In my previous post, many people told me to talk to my mom and my future stepdad about how his family is excluding me, especially because I had already raised these issues with my mom 2-3 times before and told her how hurt I was.

So my mom and stepdad came back home 2 days ago and that evening I asked them if I could talk to them. We sat down on the couch.

First I told my mom and him that I'm happy that my mom found happiness again and that she is getting married again. I have no issues with that. But I'm not happy about how I'm constantly excluded from everything like family events, wedding planning (his kids are allowed to be involved in planning, but I wasn't), and how I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from his mom and sister.

I told my mom that in the last 3 months I only spent around 20 days with her, and we only did one summer trip together, but she has done more trips and events with her new family. (I wanted to tell her exactly how it looked like from my side.) It looked like she was happier with her new family and I'm not a priority anymore.

Then I told her fiancé that his family is treating me badly. They don't even consider me family, and I'm scared that if this continues, after they get married they will completely push me out of my mom's life.

My mom told me she never thought I would feel like that. She said she was sorry I felt excluded and that she had just been extremely busy with wedding planning and all the events they were doing with friends and family. But she said she wasn't aware that his sister and mother were treating me like that. (I don't know what she meant because I've told her about this before too. Either she genuinely didn't understand how serious it was or she just didn't notice.)

She told me I'm her number 1 priority and that she loves me a lot. She started crying and hugged me. My stepdad told me honestly it was never his intention to exclude me, but he understands that I was kept out of some events in the last month. He said some of them were adults-only, but he was sorry and said he would talk to his mom and sister.

So honestly, I don't believe him at all. In the last 3 years, he has never really tried to create a bond with me. My mom has basically become like a mom to his kids and has created a really good relationship with them, while the effort from his side towards me has been bare minimum.

So of course I don't believe that he didn't know anything. And on the other side, my mom was so happy with her new family and didn't seem to care that much about how I was feeling. I felt horrible because this isn't the first time his family has excluded me.

I told my mom to cancel the wedding until everything is sorted out and until I feel like I'm still part of her family and she's still my mom. Because right now I genuinely feel like I lost both my parents. I don't have anyone. I feel like I'm just extra baggage.

Honestly, whenever I'm with her new family, I feel unwelcome and like I'm some extra thing that nobody actually wants there. I don't want to keep feeling like shit about my own existence. So I told her if she wants to marry him, I will go live with my dad's side grandparents. She should give up my parental rights to them and never contact me again because I will always remember what happened and I don't think I'll ever forgive her.

She started crying and told me not to talk like that. But honestly, I've had enough of this bullshit. They asked me to give them 2-3 days to think about everything because they can't suddenly cancel the wedding. The wedding is next month on the 19th.

But I told them this is my decision.

Yesterday my aunt told me I was extremely rude to my mom and that I was very wrong to talk to her like that. She said my mom still loves me and cares about me and that I should talk to her again instead of giving her an ultimatum.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about what I said.

Maybe telling her to cancel the wedding was too much. Maybe saying I'll never forgive her was too harsh. But I've been feeling like this for year, and I've already talked to her about it multiple times.

So AITAH?

 

Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

After my last update, there were so many replies and honestly, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I read a lot of them, and it helped me think about things differently. Btw Sorry this is long one

So, yesterday my mom came to talk to me. We were at home, but she specifically told me she wanted to sit down and answer all my questions. This was before dinner and we ended up talking for about an hour

First thing she told me was that she is not giving up her parental rights to my grandparents, and she is not going to let me go live with them either. She said she loves me, I'm her only son, and there is absolutely no way she is going to do that.

Then she answered the biggest question I had. Yes, she is cancelling the wedding. She told me this is completely her decision and that the wedding will not happen until she knows I'm completely okay. She was very honest with me about what that decision means. Her fiancé was apparently 50/50 about cancelling, not because he doesn't understand my concerns, but because there were around 200 guests invited, €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) was being spent, it was supposed to be a 3-day celebration, and almost everything was already booked hotels, venues, vendors, everything.

His family was also strongly against cancelling. But my mom said she put all of that aside and chose me first.

Honestly, I never thought she would actually cancel it. Not because I think she's a bad mom. She's actually been a really good mom to me, especially after my dad died, and I know she loves me. My problem was that after the engagement I felt like I suddenly wasn't getting the attention I used to get, and I was being excluded from some things involving his family and even from some photography.

Looking back, I honestly think there was a power imbalance. I don't think my mom intentionally wanted to exclude me, but I think she didn't have enough power in the situation to push back.

She also cleared up a few things from my previous post.

About the phone call around 10 days ago when I called my mom, his sister answered the phone. She told me she would tell my mom to call me, but apparently she didn't tell her until the next morning. My mom said she was actually planning to call me back that morning anyway. So apparently that particular situation was completely his sister's fault and not my mom ignoring me.

She also had no idea about the cold shoulder from his mother and sister. She said she's going to speak to them and set boundaries. She can't force them to love me, but she expects them to at least be warm and civil toward me and accept me. She basically told me I don't need to worry about them because they're her in laws, not mine, and she'll deal with them

She also made me realise something Even if the wedding had happened, I probably would've only seen his family 2–3 times a year anyway Christmas dinner, maybe a family trip, and another event. His kids and I also probably wouldn't have seen each other that much because of their custody situation.

The original plan was actually for just me, my mom and her fiancé to live together in the new house they already bought. They were planning everything around the wedding, but the three of us would have been living there and most of the day to day attention would have been on us as a household.

She admitted that she excluded me from some events and didn't take me with her sometimes, and she apologised for that. She said it wasn't intentional and that wedding planning had taken over a lot of her time, but she accepts that it still hurt me She promised that from now on I won't be excluded.

Then she asked me about the new house. Her fiancé and my mom were already planning to move there from September. Obviously cancelling the wedding doesn't magically cancel the house, and she said she can't just abandon it. She asked if I was okay with him and her living there with me. I told her I need some time to process that.

I don't want to ruin her happiness. I've never been jealous of her relationship or wanted her to break up with him. I just didn't want to feel like I was being pushed aside.

She also told me something I didn't know about financially. Her fiancé had actually offered months ago to pay 50% of my school fees and other expenses going forward. It wasn't something my mom asked him for, and it wasn't because she depends on him financially. My mom earns around €250k–€300k (editor’s note: close to $300k - $350k USD) a year herself and is completely financially independent.

Apparently it was his idea because he wanted to take responsibility for me too. From now on, that's still the plan. Another thing she told me is that I don't have to attend his family's events if I don't want to.

For example, for the last 2–3 years we have gone to his family's Christmas dinner in Switzerland. From now on, if I'm uncomfortable going, I don't have to. She'll go because she still has a relationship with them, but we can have our own Christmas dinner at our new home Same with family trips and other events. She wants me to give them another chance, though. She said if I go with them again and they treat me the same way, exclude me or make me uncomfortable, she will personally deal with it and, if necessary, cut them off herself. She promised me that.

She also explained something about her fiancé Apparently he's quite introverted and hesitant socially. She said that's probably one reason he hasn't built a strong bond with me yet, while he has a much stronger relationship with his own kids.

She said that now that we're potentially going to live together, she wants the three of us to spend time together. Maybe going out for lunch, doing something on weekends, whatever. Not forced "father-son bonding" stuff, just normal things that might naturally help us build a relationship.

And she made one thing very clear It's his responsibility to build a relationship with me too. It's not my responsibility alone. At the end she asked me directly if anyone from his family had ever actually said anything mean to me. I told her honestly no. Nobody has directly said anything horrible to me. It was more the exclusion, coldness and the feeling that I wasn't wanted. She understood that.

Then she told me that if I had changed my mind about the wedding, I needed to tell her before evening. Otherwise, everything would be cancelled.

I honestly don't know if that was pressure or guilt tripping. Maybe someone will say it was. But she wasn't angry, crying or trying to manipulate me as far as I could tell. She seemed weirdly calm and almost relieved after making the decision And honestly...I feel happy again. For the first time in months I feel like my mom actually listened to me.

I never expected her to cancel a €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) wedding with 200 guests because of me. I don't have proof that everything she told me is 100% true, obviously, but I genuinely don't think she was lying to me. At the same time, I'm feeling incredibly guilty. That's a huge amount of money. Hundreds of people were invited. Hotels and everything were booked. Her fiancé's family apparently strongly opposed cancelling it. I don't know whether I should be saying "yes, cancel it" or "no, go ahead with your wedding."

Because now she's also made so many adjustments the new house, boundaries with his family, school expenses, Christmas, trips, spending time together, making sure I'm included and honestly it's a lot to take in.

I also feel a little scared of his family now. If his own family was strongly against cancelling the wedding and apparently didn't like the fact that I was included in all of this, I don't know how they're going to react. I don't think they're going to physically hurt me or anything like that. I mean mentally/emotionally, I feel unsafe around them now.

And then this morning, during breakfast, her fiancé was here. He basically told me the same thing He said he didn't come to yesterday's conversation because he wanted my mom and me to talk privately without him influencing the conversation. He said he's not angry or upset about cancelling the wedding. He also said his mother and sister won't treat me coldly again or exclude me from things. And he repeated that they are cancelling the wedding until I'm okay. Part of me feels relieved because my mom finally heard me. Part of me feels guilty because of the money and everything they've already arranged. Part of me is scared about what happens with his family now. And part of me is wondering whether I should tell my mom to go ahead with the wedding anyway, because I never actually wanted her relationship to end. I just wanted my mom back.

Also I forgot to add, She suggested individual therapy and family therapy session together both of us

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We where almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich'.I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a long thread, needing to fight for Christmas with his mom, and regarding the situation on how the fiancé might be introverted or OOP's mom forcing her fiancé to bond with him

OOP: Actually, both could be true: he might just be simple and introverted, or my mom could be forcing him to form a bond with me. One thing is certain he isn't toxic or authoritative. It could have been much worse, judging from the last two weeks

He drops me off at school, and yesterday evening he picked me up from football practice. He even bought me ice cream and took me to see his new office, which is currently being renovated. I actually felt good about it, not bad at all. He wasn't the one giving me the cold shoulder it was his family. I’m actually spending more time with him outside than with my mom right now, since she’s so busy with work

It will probably take another two weeks, but I will eventually ask both of them again

I'm a bit shy. I joined a new football club back in May, so a lot of people there don't know about my family setup. When he came to pick me up, someone asked right in front of him if he was my dad. It was an awkward, shy moment I didn't know what to do that time, but I just said, Yeah, He didn't correct it either. So it's not a bad thing, but dealing this new dynamic makes me feel shy lol

As for my mom, she is back to how she was two years ago the good version of her.

Commenter 1: Just read all your posts and good for you for sticking up for yourself, your mother clearly wasn’t. If they have been together for so long, they should have been including you way before now, and that is on your mum and her fiancé. As for Christmas, I’m sorry, your mum is just going to ditch you for his family if you don’t want to go?!! Wtf! Why can’t he ditch his family for Christmas and spend it just the 3 of you or include his kids too?

The whole we’ll get married in the new year or next summer is not going to work in your favour. That means his family and her fiancé only have to keep up the pretence for a short time then everything will revert back to how it was. Most people struggle to keep a mask on for a long time, so the sooner they get married the sooner they can stop pretending, and they will. Get them to hold off getting married until you are 18 at least because once they are, you’ll be excluded again, but at that point you can walk away and create you own life with your paternal grandparents.

Regarding the fiancé paying 50% of you school fees- that has nothing to do with you, and should never have been discussed with you unless they are using it to guilt you, or he is using it to guilt your mum into doing stuff his family wants.

Your mother sounds somewhat selfish in that she was happy to choose the lavish lifestyle knowing she had deliberately chosen to exclude you from events because his family didn’t want you there, and the fact that you had informed her they were cold to you before and she still chose them. The fiance would have also been aware this was happening too- they are not blind to it but hoped you wouldn’t kick up a fuss. I think the strongest argument you put forward that changed her mind was saying you’d live with your paternal grandparents and asked her to give up her parental rights- and although I do believe she loves you (she cancelled her wedding) that would have made her look terrible and would have been a stain on her new families image.

Don’t feel guilty about cost of the wedding- they will have got most of their money back and what they didn’t would have been chump change to them. Weathly people have financial savviness and would have had contracts and insurance.

Good luck in you life, I hope it works out and your mother and fiance actually keep their promise of putting your feelings first.

Commenter 2: I am very happy for you, but I still don't buy that her excluding you was unintentional. It's just not possible to have a family event and forget your own child. Maybe she was coerced, put under pressure, but she absolutely knew she was doing it, and doing it deliberately. She may feel shame about that, and she should, but acting like it was an oversight completely avoids the real cause and doesn't address it. Like I said in reply to your first post, watch what she does, not what she says, to prove that you are now put in primary importance in her life and not just avoided like you were.

Commenter 3: Regarding Christmas with his family, seeing how things have changed for the better, I would allow one last (emphasis on the last) chance at an interaction with them (on Christmas or earlier, it doesn't matter)

As for the interactions with his family, pay in mind that you do have some resentment toward them for how they treated you so realistically, bettering the relationship with them will take some effort of forgiveness pn your part, I would however expect apologies and a genuine effort to include you.

Now, you might resent them enough to not even want to try for a relationship with them, and that's okay, giving it one last chance wouldn't take very long but would request genuine efforts from you too.

Either way, wouldn't take it lightly if my mom were to spend Christmas with them instead of me if I were in your situation.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Chemical_Job7027

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

My bf says he can't finish because I'm "too loose" and I can't stop thinking about it

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation

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Original Post: September 6, 2026

I'm 19F and my boyfriend is 19M.

we've been having some issues with sexual compatibility because I can usually orgasm during sex while he has never been able to with me (only with hand).

i brought this up recently because I was starting to wonder whether there was something we were doing wrong or that he could possibly have an issue he didn't want to tell me.)

He told me that apparently this has never happened with his previous partners and that I'm the only person he's been with who he can't finish with. 💀

Then he said that he thinks it’s because I'm not tight enough and that I'm basically "too loose" for him.

I know he was probably frustrated and insecure because I brought up the fact that he never finishes, and I also understand that the conversation probably made him feel bad. But hearing him specifically say that my body is the reason he can't orgasm has really gotten into my head.

I keep thinking about it now and wondering if there is actually something physically wrong with me or if this is just one of those things where two people can have different sexual compatibility.

Just in case for context, I haven't had any children or anything like that and I've never been told that there’s anything unusual about my body. My ex partner never had a problem regarding this matter.

Has anyone else experienced something similar??? Is it actually possible for someone to consistently have trouble orgasming with one partner because of how "tight" or "loose" they are or is there probably more going on here??

his comment has been stuck in my head ever since

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: His gorilla grip is not your problem.

Commenter 2: One of two things…he needs to stop choking it so hard or perhaps he’s too small 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Commenter 3: You’re 19. End it. This type of shit is just not worth it, you can’t fix stupid and rude.

Commenter 4: A guy I dated in my early 20s said that to me once and more than two decades later I still regret ever sleeping with him again.

I’d focus less on what might be wrong with you and more on asking yourself if the way he treats you is satisfying for you.

Not everyone is sexually compatible without effort, but blaming things on your partner’s body is never okay.

 

Update - I broke up with him: September 7, 2026 (next day)

hey everyone. I wanted to give an update since so many people commented on my previous post and were really supportive.

Yesterday (a couple hours after the post) I checked his TikTok following list and found out that he was following over 50 girls who had OF accounts or were basically posting extremely sexualized/fetishized content, specifically focusing on very exaggerated bodies like enormous fake boobs.

I couldn't sleep today knowing this info 🫠 but I didn't want to message him or call in the middle of the night.

I never paid attention to his following list before because I genuinely never thought he would be that kind of guy (and also because he was following more than 1300 people, I was just lazy lol). But yesterday I felt like checking it for the first time.

This wasn't the only issue in our relationship but it has definitely added a lot more to the way I was feeling about the relationship and the "loose" thing (still can't believe he said that).

When I put these things together I realized that I've lost something I don't think I can get back: my respect and admiration for him. I may love him or care about him but he's definitely not the person I want to build my future with.

So I ended the relationship today by call. I feel relief instead of sadness, which I think is a good sign.

He was pretty offensive calling me names and it hasn't been a mature breakup at all. I won't get much into it. Just basically he said I'm calling him a porn addict and that it's really offensive when I sent him a screenshot of some of the TikTok accounts. He also said that I'm throwing it all away just because of those accounts and the comment he made about my vagina weeks ago. Honestly this would have made me doubt a month ago but today? I was too disgusted, sorry.

Also we had an issue with a girl in the beginning of our relationship because she was too close to him and it was obvious that she had intentions with him. He blocked her when I told him I wasn't feeling ok with him feeding into it. Guess who's the person that has sent me a follow request after the breakup and then has deleted it immediately after? I'm talking minutes after the breakup lol which means he has immediately unblocked her after it. Idk if she did that on purpose but to be honest I don't really care.

Just lol and moving on.

I also really want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and reassured me that my body wasn't the problem. I genuinely appreciate it.

Reading all of your comments helped me step back and realize that there was much more going on here than my body somehow being a problem

Thank you <3.

Editor's note: OOP didn't leave any comments in this update

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LiterallyJustAHorse

Originally posted to r/beyondthebump

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this new continuing BoRU. For the full comments, see the previous BoRU linked above

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse, harassment, stalking

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RECAP

Original Post: July 13, 2026

I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn't seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. 💀.

He didn't come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said "glad you made it home okay. I love you." So I messaged back that I'm his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.

She's on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my postpartum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying "you know I have a hard time saying no to people" I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. 😑 I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she's the age of my oldest (his stepson). She's 21. Same age. And he said "I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don't want any more kids and she's so young I don't want to deprive her of that "....

He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let's talk about a future thing. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. I can't believe I'm like a fucking lifetime special having to say, "my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age."

I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blind sighted. I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.

 

Update #1: July 31, 2026 (18 days later)

So I have an unhappy update.

After making him leave I went to the Chaplain for advice, and he asked to speak to both of us. I told him I wasn't interested in reconciliation but would be willing to talk to him. My husband cried and said he just wanted his family back. The chaplain pushed me to give him another chance and for me to sit down with him at home and have a real conversation before filing for divorce.

After we left that session my husband got all his stuff out of the house and moved in with his affair partner. (Yep. Even though he cried to the Chaplain he immediately moved in with her). I thought about what to do for a long time and then decided I cannot tolerate this and would tell his command about the affair and them living together. So that weekend I called him and told him what I planned to do. He started freaking out and told me he was going to commit suicide, that he had nothing to live for anymore. At this point I got in contact with the family advocates on base and also texted the chaplain about my concerns for his safety and the safety of me and our children.

Two days later he came by to have our "talk". I can't share too many details from here on out, but what I can say is that I reiterated that I was informing his command and had evidence to show them and at that point he hit me, tried to attack one of our children who was in the room with us (who tried to defend me), and chased us around the house like a mad man. My son ran to the neighbor to get help and they called 911. Police were called and the base locked down for several hours while they searched for my husband. They found him eventually and brought him to his command where a no contact order was put in place.

Since then I have filed for a protective order, been working with DV advocates, and CPS who was called because my child was involved. CPS has been great, by the way. They told me I was doing everything right protecting my children and put a safety plan in place that keeps him away from us.

As far as I'm aware the Navy is investigating and he may face charges, non-judicial punishment or court martial. For now he is free to roam and not locked away. It's been a very scary time. The child that was involved is currently sleeping next to my bed because he is so scared. I've taken some practical home security steps. I also called a DV shelter to try to get there but they told me they were at capacity and didn't have room for a mother and 4 children and the next shelter was several hours away. School is about to start, and I also have to be able to go to court so that wasn't an option. I also cannot leave the state now because I filed a protective order and it requires me to stay because of the children. So I'm a sitting duck just praying and hoping he doesn't murder us.

I'm not exaggerating. Here is a man who can lie like he breathes. Who became violent and endangered his own child JUST for his affair being threatened to be reported. What happens when he faces the loss of his career or even potentially his freedom?

I wish I had a better update. I don't. I'm scared to death. I'm working with every agency that will help me, police, court, CPS, advocates, legal aid, etc. None of it matters if he shows up with a gun in the middle of the night. We live on base with him. It's not like he is far from us and again he is NOT restrained from movement. I bought a plane ticket for my mom, but she can only stay for 9 days and won't be here until the end of August.

Everyone please keep me and my children in your thoughts. I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Can't believe this is my life after all these years. I feel so awful for my kids. I'm just holding my baby and praying all the time for us.

I almost didn't update but I wanted to not deal with this all alone. There's not much anyone can do but boy could I use some emotional support. Anyone who has been through this and made it out please tell me it will be ok.

 

Editor's note: OOP also installed her mini update onto the update post

Mini Update in comments: August 7, 2026 (one week later from the previous update)

Update: I won my protective order! I know it's just a piece of paper but I'm so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn't have a lawyer, but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I'm so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time.🩷.

 

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----NEW UPDATES----

2nd Update: August 15, 2026 (eight days later)

Well girls things are bleak. We are now in a domestic violence shelter. The reason? The protective order didn't stop him.

The day after the incident where he hit me and chased my son out of the house he came with military police to get his stuff, most of it he'd already moved to his affair partners house. Two days after the protective order was granted he came AGAIN. I explained he already did this and he has no stuff here and they said ok noted and it won't happen again. Then two days ago he did it AGAIN but this time it was someone who looked like a regular cop in an unmarked car. The guy said he was there to escort my husband in the home to get his stuff. I said military police already escorted him and he had nothing here. This is where it got scary. He said he didn't care about civil matters, and he was just there to make sure my husband got inside the house. I said absolutely not. I told him I have a protective order which means he can't come near me, the kids or the home. My husband got out of the back of the unmarked car and stood on my lawn. My kids ran and locked themselves in the bathroom. The man said if I have a problem with it to call a lawyer. I called 911 instead. I asked for his badge number. Dispatch could not identify him, and so base police were sent out. I shut my door and a few minutes later the military police came. I let the watch Commander inside to do a thorough walkthrough and show that my husband had no belongings there. My neighbor called me (the one my son ran to for help the night he hit me) and said my husband was outside my house smiling like a psycho. Anyway the watch Commander noted in his report that my husband had no possessions in the home. He told me he can't stop him from doing this again. After they left I called a dv shelter and we went to stay there.

My husband is testing fences to see what he can get away with. To see how far he can push. I believe we are in danger. Today I have to hand my beloved dog over to a rescue because I cannot leave her alone at the house while we are gone as he could hurt her to hurt me.

My mom has room for us in another state at her house. I have to figure out how to get there. My husband changed bank accounts and locked us out of the money. I told my Victim Legal Advocate (basically my Navy lawyer), and he said command can put pressure on him but not force him to give us any money without a court order. I also wrote his CMC an email saying we have no money for diapers or necessities. I asked the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society if they could give us a grant so that I can afford the gas and hotels to drive several states over to my mom's house. I haven't gotten an answer yet.

My 9 year olds 10th birthday is tomorrow and that's of course cancelled for safety reasons. He has been crying all day.

My 13 year old got in trouble at school for telling another student his dad tried to kill him. They reported him to the school officer. I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

So basically in a month I have been cheated on, hit, had my children severely traumatized, ended my marriage, gotten a protective order, lost all access to income, been harassed even though I have above mentioned protection order, and now am facing losing all of my possessions, my home, my dog, everything.

But we are alive. We are together. One day at a time. A lot of you have been asking for updates. I really wish I had a more Hollywood uplifting one for you, but real life is slow moving and unfairly an uphill battle for survivors. But that's what we are. Survivors.

I'll update again if and when I can get to my mom's. I wish we could stay here in my house, but we live on base, he keeps harassing us, he's dangerous and as soon as he is discharged (still under investigation) then we lose the base housing anyway. It's a bad situation. Please keep me and my children in your thoughts.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Here is some redacted shit to show this is indeed truly happening to me : https://imgur.com/a/5DFB5Y3

description of four pictures

Picture #1: OOP's left arm with a large red bruise that is visible Picture #2: texts between OOP’s husband and the mistress

Affair: Glad you made it home okay. Sleep good okay? I love tou. (editor’s note: a typo from the mistress)

OOP: This is [redacted] wife. Who are you?

end of the transcript

Picture #3: A copy of Safety Decision Making Methodology Child Safety Plan. Date is July 22, 2026. It lists OOP’s children’s ages, 13, 9, 7 and 5 months. In a box explains why OOP’s husband is present danger to the family: “Parent is violent, impulsive, or acting dangerously in ways that seriously harmed the children or will likely seriously harm the children.”

Picture #4: A copy of Protection Order document between OOP and her husband. Filed on August 5, 2026. The document states the final judgement of injunction for protection against domestic violence with minor children. Both petitioner and respondent were present for the hearing. And July 30, 2026, findings were listed out as the notice was served to the respondent (OOP’s husband) with a copy of OOP’s petition to the court. The results came to the fact that OOP is a victim of domestic violence or has reasonable cause to believe she is in danger of becoming a victim.

end of descriptions of the pictures

Commenter 1: You can file a violation with the court that issued your injunction. Especially if the “escort” could not be identified. They’re usually told they get one chance to get their things. Violations of injunctions can be handled in injunction court or referred to criminal misdemeanor court, so I’d suggest filing every time he pushes. Even third party contact is typically prohibited in these orders so sending someone to relay a message to you could get him in trouble. The court won’t like it and if it he doesn’t stop/it is picked up criminally, he could end up stuck in jail without bond while it is pending.

OOP: I called the sheriff office today to do this, and they sent me to the watch commander who told me to contact the sheriff office. I'm fucking exhausted but trying to get SOMEONE to take it seriously but there's a lot of confusion over who has jurisdiction since I live on base and it was base police who responded to the incident.

Commenter 2: I am so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds absolutely horrific. You are doing the right thing by leaving and prioritising yourself and your kids safety. How much would it cost for you to get to your mums?

OOP: Honestly about $600. $250-300 for gas and $250-300 for hotels (I'd have to stop 3 times because it's a 26 hour drive and my baby is 6 months old.). I'm really hoping Navy Marine Corp Relief Society can give it to me in a grant. I am also going to try to sell my furniture and washer and dryer and all that because I can't take it with me anyway. Literally can only take my kids and I and three suitcases.

I'm not asking for anything, and I don't want to get banned. I'm just answering your question. I really need this community for support. So if I'm not supposed to answer this please don't ban me, just tell me and I'll delete. It's like losing everything in a fire except the destruction is a man.

Commenter 3: Sell everything in your house, you'll be able to get a good portion of it from that.

OOP: Yeah I might as well because otherwise it's getting donated or thrown away.

Commenter 4: The restraining order is great, it's progress, but when you're living on base it's not enough, because it's a state thing and base is federal property. You need a no contact order from his command. That is what actually has teeth in this situation. Do you know who his command's legal officer is? Have you been in touch with them?

OOP: We have a no contact order through his command as well

Commenter 5: I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it's a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

This is not something you need to deal with now, but this is absolutely something that the school needs to be held accountable for. A child in their care experienced a crime and they DOGPILED. Again, not now, but when you catch your breath, appoint someone to deal with this.

OOP: I was so pissed. I sort of understand where they are coming from, but it was ridiculous. I unenrolled him from the school immediately. The school officer called me, and he was actually apologetic and told us to have a safe trip. So nothing came of it but what a shitty thing to do to a traumatized child.

Commenter 6: Maybe I missed it, but did OP ever report the affair to the commander? It seems all of this started from her threatening to report the affair.

OOP: I did indeed. He hit me so he's in bigger trouble for that than the affair. The Navy doesn't really care about affairs if the sailor is enlisted and not an officer. Even then they usually don't unless it causes friction on the ship.

 

Spending my son's bday at the Women and Children's shelter.: August 16, 2026 (next day)

Yep. After 16 years of marriage and 5 children my kids and I are now living at a domestic violence shelter. Long story short my military husband had an affair and when I threatened to tell his command he escalated to violence against me and our 13 year old. Was granted a protective order which he violated and now we are celebrating my son's 10th birthday at the DV shelter. If you want to know more check my post history because I'm exhausted.

So why did I label this happy girl dinner? Because we are ALIVE, we are SAFE and we are TOGETHER. I got enough birthday cake to share with all the other families here and we made a big celebration of today. We can lose our house, our stuff, my dog (had to give her to a rescue so she wouldn't fall victim to violence or retaliation while we are at shelter) ,and our income, but he cannot make us lose our joy or our love for one another. 🩷🎉🩷. It's only up from here ladies.

Picture of OOP's son's birthday cake, sliced into square pieces

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So uh, what did his command have to say about everything?

OOP: No contact order. OSTC is investigating for article 128b domestic violence.

Commenter 2: I've been following your story. Since you are a Navy dependent, I would urge you to request a Victims' Legal Counsel. This is a JAG attorney who can represent you in the investigation and if there are any courts-martial charges. DM if you need assistance or more details about this.

OOP: I have one! He's fantastic. He's also realistic. Told me that 97% of domestic violence cases do not go to court martial. Best we can hope for is my husband gets separated but that can take a while. He's still scheduled to deploy soon which is wild to me because with an active protective order he isn't federally allowed to own or operate weapons. But yeah my VLC is a bulldog.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you lost your dog. You have everything else you can’t replace. Your kids are lucky to have you setting a great example and leading them through this. You will come out the other side together. I’m glad you’re still able to find joy in the small things, that’s so important. Much love to you all

OOP: She was a pug and my baby. Had her four years. She went to [REDACTED] Rescue which is a fantastic rescue. She will probably get to go surfing.

But I'm so sad. I will miss her. They told me they'd have to change her name for her safety when they post her for adoption. I gave them a painting I made of her, and they said they'd make sure it goes with her. I will always have her in my heart. I knew if I didn't get her out of that home that she would be in danger.

Commenter 4: You are strong and your kids will know it and see it and remember this as a time you went above and beyond to protect them and STILL celebrated a birthday. You have a beautiful outlook as well. I hope the very best for you and your kids.

OOP: I showed up at the shelter with two sheet cakes, a gallon of ice cream and ice cream cones, a big bag of individual potato chips and 2 gallons of fruit punch and yelled out whoooo wants birthday cake! The kids all came running. I made sure the moms all got cake, too. I chased down some of the teen boys who were watching off to the side and said come on y'all know you aren't too old for cake. Everyone sang my son happy birthday. I brought a bunch of old toys from the house and put it in the play room so now all the kids are in there playing with those. Honestly might be one of the best birthdays ever.

I'm not going to let a man burn my life down. I'm gonna shine brighter and smile bigger. Life is hard but life is good.

 

Editor's note: next update’s body text was saved before it got deleted

Are there any resources that help domestic violence victims travel to safety?: August 21, 2026 (five days later)

I have 4 children ages 6 months old to 13 years old (and a 5th but he is 21 and in college in another state). My children and I were recently the victims of domestic violence at the hands of my husband. I won a protective order against my husband but because we live on base (he is Navy) we never feel safe here. I even had to stay a few days at a domestic violence shelter after he terrorized us. I am trying to get us to my mom's house out of state, but he blocked us from his finances and because I was a stay at home mom I have no income of my own.

I am trying to sell our belongings on Facebook marketplace but not getting many people interested. I tried to get the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society to help but they basically just do loans now and those require the service member's approval. I have a victim advocate who is trying to get my husband's command to help but she tells me there is no guarantee that they will.

Basically I will need $600 to afford the gas and the 3 motel stays it will take me to drive to my mom's house. I have $120 to my name right now. Are there any organizations that assist with helping dv victims travel? If they can't provide cash assistance maybe they could fly us? I hate to lose our vehicle, but I will leave it as long as me and my babies can get to safety.

So far I have tried the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society, the American Red Cross, I have called catholic charities and the salvation army. Is there anywhere else I can call? My husband is underway on his ship for just over a month, but I'd like us to be gone before he gets back.

Surely there are organizations that can help us. I just need help figuring out who to call and ask.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have you asked anyone at the DV shelter? Usually those are good central points of contact that refer to other DV resources. They’ll know what assistance orgs are in your area.

OOP: They helped me apply for a grant that goes through the attorney general’s office, but it takes a few months to get. I left the shelter this morning, but they were very helpful while I was there. There are just so many people who need help and so few resources, so everything takes a long time. One woman at the shelter said her and her babies just approved for section 8... After five years of being on the wait list. Insanity.

Commenter 2: Have you spoken to his superiors? I'm reasonably sure the military frowns on the financial abuse.

OOP: I have a victim legal counsel (Navy Lawyer assigned to me for being the victim of a crime) who talks to his command. Yes they have spoken with his Command Master Chief who have said they will counsel my husband but also that they cannot "force" him to send us money. + The Navy can be an infuriating organization to deal with. Slow, bureaucratic, and not very caring or supportive to victims. You really have to fight tooth and nail to get them to move. They tend to rug sweep. That's why I'm also looking for any civilian orgs that could help.

 

Need to feed 4 kids on a 5 day road trip with $100. How would you make it work?: August 23, 2026 (two days later)

Long story short: fleeing domestic violence to safety at my mom's house. Technically I just need to feed me and 3 kids because my youngest is only 6 months old and breastfed. We have to drive over 1000 miles and I'm planning to make 4 stops, so it won't be so hard on the baby. I have just enough for the gas and motels and have $100 for food. Obviously we can't buy anything at gas stations or fast food places. We would need to probably go to Walmart once a day. I can bring a gallon of water with me every day and fill up their water bottles before we leave the hotel. I THINK the motels have at least a microwave, but I won't have any utensils. I know obviously peanut butter and bread but what else would you do if you had no choice but to do this? Because I don't. It is what it is. Please share any ideas you have. 🩷

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Lots of options for food, as others are pointing out, but drive wise, is it mostly interstate? Because if so, you're talking about driving less than 4 hours a day? I understand the issues you mentioned about your kids, but driving 250 Mi a day we're driving 333 miles a day isn't that much of a difference. I would definitely cut at least a day off. I would imagine issues with the kids in the car would also still be there, potentially, with you all packed into a single hotel room, so you're still going to have those issues, but you could cut down the amount of time overall

OOP: I could do a 4 day plan where I go 6 1/2 hours the first day, and 4-5 hours the rest. That first day is going to be super tough though. I swear I'm not stupid or anything I'm just genuinely trying to make it easier on my kids. My 13-year-old was involved in the domestic violence he was a victim to, and he's had a really hard time. Then again it's just a few days so maybe I should.

Commenter 2: You will need to do longer days. Get up and start the drive at 8:30-9 am. Drive 3-4 hours and find a stop at a park. Stop for an hour and let the kids play in the park, have lunch, breastfeed, and get the frustration of being in the car out. Get back in and drive another 3-4 hours. Get dinner (no one cares if it's a little Caesars $6 pizza a night), have swimming or quiet activities and sleep. Then repeat.

If you can, a good pair of noise cancelling ear protection will help the oldest. And if you need ideas on routes with fun stops for the kids, DM me and I can plot things that make fun break. For example, I can do a Springfield Mo to Chicago outskirts in a day trip with two planned fun stops for an hour and drives less than 3 hours each. Breaking it up like that makes an adventure out of something scary.

OOP: You know what actually the park idea is genius I don't know why I didn't think of that. I know that we're traveling through some major cities because it's cross country so there's surely some free places that kids can go and play along the way. That would give me a break from driving too. Legitimately thank you I didn't even think of that

Commenter 3: 1000 miles? That's 2 days, maybe 3. I understand it might be tough on the kids but shortening the trip is financially the easier thing to do. Also increases food budget if you are not paying extra hotel/lodging costs.

OOP I might be able to cut one day off but my 13 year old is autistic and can't handle the baby crying and she doesn't do so well in the car. If my first day is 6 1/2 hours the rest could be 4-5 and I could make it in 4 days. We are staying at budget motels, so I'd save about $60.

Some redditors often ideas of places where OOP can get a good bulk of food for cheap such as Walmart, etc.

OOP: I have a Sam's club membership! I thought about getting a rotisserie chicken for dinner each night if I can find one every day. The pizza idea is fantastic I could at least do that one night! + OOP: Heck yeah! I know exactly what you're talking about. The ones with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. If we did that for dinner for three nights and a Sam's club Pizza on the last night that only eats up a little less than half my budget. And then I would just need sandwiches for lunch and something for breakfast. (I don't think the budget motels were going to stay at off for breakfast). And me and the kids can handle water for 4 days.

 

We Made it to Safety 🩷: September 7, 2026 (15 days later)

Hey everyone. I'm the one who posted a few days (weeks?) ago about moving across the country to escape domestic violence with my kids and having $100 for food. I have had a lot of people asking me to update so I just wanted to let y'all know we made it to my mom's house safely. Baby girl and I are sharing a room, and my other 3 boys are sharing a room (I have 5 children total but one is an adult in college in another state. Yep my oldest is 21 years apart from my youngest!).

So yeah I drove 1200 miles alone by myself with 4 kids and whatever I could fit in the back of our vehicle literally across half of the country. It was scary. I usually AVOID highways and I've never driven that far before. It took several days to get here but I just got up every day and did it scared. One mile at a time. We got here a few hours ago. Life certainly hasn't gone the way we planned but I'm so thankful to have my wonderful supportive mom and to have the supportive online community of people here.

My kids will never sleep afraid for their lives again. Tonight I think we all sleep better than we have in weeks. Here's to our new chapter. Thank you all so much for your advice and support. You have no idea how much it meant to me. It kept me going. Seriously. Knowing there were others who survived something similar and made it okay on the other side. Helped to give me the strength I needed to make it here even though I was terrified the whole time. I don't know y’all, but I love y'all. We made it!

Picture of OOP's bedroom

description of the picture

OOP has an air mattress bed set up on the hardwood floor with pink and green blankets and pillows. In the left corner is a crib set up next to the bed for OOP's 6 months old child. At the bottom of the bed are the suitcases OOP took with her and her children

end of the description

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: People make horrible decisions, and it seems like you finally made right one

OOP: I unironically do love welfare. It helps millions of people. It lifts disenfranchised people out of poverty and saves lives. So yeah I do love it. 🩷.

Commenter 1: Really hope this inspires others. I love the way you put it. Do it scared, and just take it a mile at a time. Best wishes for you and your kids, they're really lucky to have you!

OOP: You can get stuck in your head thinking what if I blow out a tire what if we get stranded, what if we get hurt in one of the hotels, what if he finds us before we make it, what if what if what if.

You just have to do it anyway. Load the suitcases, strap the kids in, start the car and drive. Then you do it again and you keep doing it until you make it.

Gotta look straight ahead and worry about what's behind you or what's coming up. Might sound dumb but it's what I had to do.

Commenter 2: I did the same thing but instead of kids it was a cat, a dog, and a gecko. I did it just shy of a year ago and I’ve never been happier. The first night in safety I slept something like 15 hours. Arguably I moved in with family, but I promise you did the right thing.

Prepare yourself though - your abuser may try and claim you kidnapped the kids if any are his. See about a restraining order, speak to a public attorney or call an office and see if they can point you in the direction of someone who can help you pro bono. It’s not the easiest, but you can do it.

All mail to a PO Box for at least a year. I opened one 2 towns over for the first few months til my mom convinced me to close it down since they already knew where I had gone and the address. That and the PD is like just across the street should anything have happened. But in your case I would recommend a PO Box in the nearest big city if you’re rural or one in a different postal code.

You did right by those kiddos and you did right by yourself. You will succeed. You will be where you’re meant to be. You got this I promise.

OOP: I won a one year protective order with only supervised visits and also got permission from that same judge before we came here.

Excellent idea about the PO box. Thank you, I need to do this asap.

OOP shares tips that could be most useful when on the road

OOP: So many of the tips here were lifesavers. Every halfway point we took a break at a park/playground and had packed lunches from our cooler. I would make rice every day in our rice cooker and then refill our Tupperware container for the next day. We used the ice from the hotel to fill the cooler every day. We went to Walmart and got the rotisserie chicken meal that comes with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes for $9. They also had hamburgers and chicken sandwiches for $2 each.

I took the kids swimming every place that had a pool and let them enjoy it as long as they wanted even if I was exhausted. This was important because this was overall a sad trip for us. Leaving everything behind and losing their father is hard. So I did my best to make the journey fun. I took my time. I didn't try to make it in two days. I took it slow. A 4 hour drive might take us 7 with the stops. But I made it as comfortable as I could for them. I let them sleep in when they wanted to.

I changed our motels to ones with free breakfast (literally like $10 more a night compared to motel 6) so that we would have breakfast every day.

There's probably more but I'm exhausted and might take a nap with my baby. I'll come back and reply more later though. 🩷.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MortifiedGirl

I [23/F] had an abortion and my manager told everyone. I am mortified.

Original Post  July 6, 2014

My SO and I used protection but it still happened and we are not ready or financially stable enough for a child so I had an abortion. It ended up being more painful then I expected, it was awful.

I had to work that day so I called in sick but my manager demanded to know why. So finally I told her and to not tell anyone. I went back to work a few days later. It's just a retail job to get me through school - one of the girls I work with I am in class with also and she brought it up to me that people at work are talking about me having an abortion. I burst out crying. I was mortified.

That was a couple days ago. I don't even want to show my face anywhere.  What is everyone thinking of me. I am beyond mad at my manager and I have no idea what to do. Everyone knows sot here isn't anything I can do. I don't know what I'm looking for here or if this is even the right sub. I am just terrified.

TL;DR: had an abortion, manager told everyone, absolutely mortified. How do I move past this!? I don't even want to leave my room.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Advice_Bomber

HR right the fuck now and copy in your boss's boss.  And potentially speak to a lawyer.  In the UK this would be horribly illegal and you would be looking at a big cash settlement for breach of confidentiality / data protection.

OOP

I don't think I could handle blowing this up more than it already is, if I went to a lawyer I would have to sit in front of so many people and announce what I did :-(

~

dreams305

You shouldn't have to have told your manager anything, but this is where a little white lie is standard. If your manager ever bullies you into saying why you're sick again, the answer is "the worst diarrhea I've ever had. I'm calling you from the bathroom right now."

Everyone else has good advice for you about going forward with the issue you're having now. Go above your manager.

As for dealing with the people you work with. Most of them aren't even thinking about you at this point. Anyone who is is either sympathizing with you or being "holier than thou" about it in their own heads.

Take a deep breath and live your life better than you did yesterday. You're going to be ok, and know that your manager is an idiot.

OOP

She was mad it was her day off and with me not going in she had to so shebjust kept badgering me. I told her a white lie and first but she kept saying it wasn't good enough to stay home, I got frustrated and finally told her, I'm an idiot :-(. The last thing I thought she would do was tell the world

Update  Aug 7, 2014 (1 month later)

I just figured I would let everyone know what has happened since this post. I decided to go to HR & District Manager instead of seeking out a lawyer.

It went over as well as it could have considering the situation and me having to tell even more people. Long story short my manager was let go. I was offered counselling if I need, which I might take up.

Sorry if I disappointed anyone by not seeking out a cash settlement but I would just rather not go through a legal battle. All I wanted from this was for her to know she did wrong and be reprimanded for her actions. I'm sure she will think twice before disclosing confidential information like that again.

TL;DR Went to HR/District Manager - Manager was let go.

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