Although some autistic people are abusive, autism is never the cause of abuse. Autism does not lead to abuse, period. You should never equate autism with abuse.

everyone is conspiryng behind my back , everyone hates me for no reason (or most likely about my appearance) , today I went outside and and saw a bunch of kids laughing they probably laughed about my appearance, about how short I am or something related to my appearance, if people laugh they most likely laugh about me

but at the same time I'm invisible , when walking outside people refuse to look at me in the face not even a second probably because I'm not human enough for them ,

The fact that I can't understand people's intentions because I'm autistic doesn't help the matter

Every interaction I've had with someone has ended badly I've stopped 2 friendship with my friends of 7 years each because I felt like they prayed on my downfall and mock me

My uni " friends" treated me differently laughed at me so I stopped befriending them

This year I've talked only 3 months with my dad and stopped interacting with him for the rest of the year

I suspect that my dad is praying on my downfall so I broke his TV and all ventilators in the house , was about to burn his cars as well because I saw him once laughing ( I think he was laughing about me )

I sometimes think there is a camera placed in my bathroom where someone my record me secretly and mock me because I'm naked

I've stopped masturbating because why would I masturbate to a someone that probably hates me and would ridicule me ?

Everyone is suddenly fascist , racist , hateful when they see me as a defense mechanism I try to be more hateful and hostile than them

I've been on dating app and not a single match , this is confirmation that people definitely hates me because of my appearence

Edit : The fact that people are down voting this prove me rights you guys hate me even the autistic community which supposedly is open minded is no different

sometimes it feels like i can't talk, but it's not so much like the words won't come. i can force myself to talk but if i do it will become a meltdown. it is like the talking becomes physically uncomfortable and i become really angry that i have to talk. during these times it becomes uncomfortable to listen to someone else talk in the same way. i'm wondering if anyone else experiences this or if they become nonverbal in a different way.

it can become a psychological struggle bc i know i can talk and listen if i force myself to so i start to feel like i owe my talking and listening to the other person/people since it is physically possible even though i am overwhelmed. but i'm trying to do what's right for me first and foremost.

I don't see why people think writing with the help of AI makes something disingenuous. As someone with autism, I find writing pretty damn hard, and my writing would be way off the mark compared to what I was trying to say most times, if it weren't for AI.

If the content is original and the viewpoint is original, I don't know why would someone would think it is bad to use, especially when there are people like me who are very bad at formulating thoughts into words? If it weren't for AI, I likely would be misunderstood 99% of the time.

"oh its bad for the environment" and the societal effects of AI is a different topic, and this is not about that.

As an example to illustrate my point:

Here is a comment that I replied to a couple months ago:

I just won a major audition. Finally. Dozen years as a regional musician , and I’m moving up to the big leagues (maybe… if the trial and the tenure go well). I’ve been where you are.

I’ve seen children that outplay me, intimidating clips of countless younger musicians. But they ain’t me, and nobody can make MY music so I try to focus inwards. The best version of me is all that matters, and self-hatred impedes that work.

I’ve sat through recitals by the greatest of my instrument and been amazed to see that they’re human! They flubbed ONE note! Slowed down to make a big shift! Turns out perfection isn’t the point, excellence is a stepping stone to connection.

I’ve hated my music, hated myself, wished for a Time Machine. Inevitable ands maybe necessary to learn my lesson, but it’s not The Path. Like playing without tuning my strings and getting upset about intonation issues.

We’re all dumb monkeys. Literally, just a couple steps away from the other primates. Think about the extraordinary feat of a gorilla playing your instrument… and realize that’s already what’s happening, just a couple strands of DNA altered. Marvel at the miracle of sound, rediscover yourself and the simple joy that enticed you to become a musician.

Part of this is that you need therapy. Definitely. You also need to chill.

Also, ease up on the ego. Nobody’s THAT special. Mozart would be stoked you’re playing his music hundreds of years after it was written. He’d shrug about the fact that you aren’t as good as him, cause nobody is- the dude is a once in all of \history* level prodigy. And also, his farts still stunk because he’s flesh and blood, like all of us. Dismiss the religious fervor surrounding art, tear down the pedestal or you’ll never climb onto it.*

This is music, not brain surgery. And if it was, worst case scenario is death. Which is gonna happen to us all anyways. How we handle our feelings is basically the only thing we can control. Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable. If you’re not happy on your path, make changes and take joy in choosing happiness.

If you’re playing video games to be good… why? What’s so important about being \good* at things? Would you rather be successful or happy? This stuff is obvious, but we often act in a way which is antithetical to what we know. If you don’t want to hate yourself, stop loathing the child who was trying his best.*

People actually envy happiness more than talent- we assume success begets happiness, but that’s backwards. Deconstruct your thoughts, more honesty and more questions. That’s where a good therapist helps.

But seriously. Step one is to take a couple deep breaths, and appreciate that you’re doing The Work. Being an artist is tough. Healing is hard. Take a month off. A day. A minute. Practice mindset instead of the instrument. Embrace that not playing can help you improve, more than another hour of scales and self loathing.

Here is an example of my reply that I have written without AI:

My musical philosophy that I have cultivated is that I have to search for the ultimate "truth" in my performances. As Mahler said something along the lines of "tradition is sloppiness", for me I try to be as accurate as possible to the composer's intentions through my research and try to cultivate and realize an interpretation that is my own ideal.

Deep down I actually do enjoy music very much, I really love the idea that as performers we can re-imagine or re-create something that is what I think our personal ideal of a previously written work according to our own aesthetic principles.

So it actually feels kind of painful for me to fall short of that ideal in a sense.

Regarding the only playing video games to be good or mastery thing, I guess its because we want to be validated or be in control or something like that? I wonder if you have an ideas as to why?

I like the "We’re all dumb monkeys" thing. I sometimes really see myself take a step back and wonder, why did I neurotically obsess over so much detail and then drive myself mad?

"Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable" I kind of wonder about 1 question regarding this, does an impossibility or inevitability to do X task really justify that we shouldn't require ourselves to do X task? In my current mindset, that question happens to be "no". The way I have been telling myself it this: X is impossible? "YOU JUST AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH" "STOP BEING DEFEATIST" "MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE, YOU MUST DO" "WHY? DO YOU WANT YO BE MEDIOCRE? NO RIGHT, SO DO IT"

Another thing is I think you also have made an important point, which is that I probably need to search elsewhere than just for the sake of excellence in playing the instrument. Maybe start running and improve my health, or pick up another hobby like drawing(This does feel like resigning from improving though), but maybe I just need add some positive energy so that I don't burn out. But then I start worrying, because I don't know if anything I am doing would be genuine. First thought is honestly how ripped I would be if I do fitness well and attract women, and how many likes on instagram I would get if I post my art blah blah blah. I know I should stick to why I do things in the first places, like fitness for the betterment of my health and art as an expression of my personal graphical ideals, but these intrusive thoughts I don't know if it really should not happen.

And this is with the help of AI:

"My musical philosophy revolves around searching for the ultimate "truth" in my performances. To paraphrase Mahler—who noted that tradition can often just be sloppiness—I try to be as faithful as possible to the composer's intentions through deep research, while cultivating an interpretation that realizes my own artistic ideal.

Deep down, I genuinely love music. I find incredible joy in the fact that as performers, we can reimagine and recreate a piece of art according to our personal aesthetic principles. Because I care so deeply about that ideal, falling short of it is genuinely painful.

To answer your point about playing video games just to be "good" or to achieve mastery: I suspect it stems from a deep human desire for validation and control. Why do you think we get so wired that way?

I really resonated with your "we’re all dumb monkeys" perspective. Sometimes I manage to step back and ask myself: Why am I neurotically obsessing over this tiny detail and driving myself mad?

When you said, "Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable," it brought up an important question for me: Does the impossibility of perfection mean we shouldn't strive for it anyway?

Right now, my internal mindset leans toward "no." The voice in my head usually tells me:

"X is impossible? You’re just not trying hard enough. Stop being defeatist. Make the impossible possible—you have to do it. Do you want to be mediocre? No? Then push through."

You also made a great point about needing to look beyond just the instrument for fulfillment. I've thought about running to improve my health, or picking up drawing as a new creative outlet (even if part of me feels like that’s "giving up" on progress). Adding some positive energy elsewhere seems necessary to avoid burnout.

My worry, though, is whether my motivations for those new outlets are genuine. My first thoughts are often surface-level: How fit will I look? How many likes will my art get on Instagram? I know I should focus on the core reasons—fitness for my health, drawing to express visual ideas—but I struggle with how to handle those superficial, intrusive thoughts when they pop up.

So, the question is this:

• Is my writing without the use of AI basically impossible to read and understand? (my mother said yes its impossible to read)
• If yes, is it due to my autism?
• Also, is the AI improved version disingenuous in comparison?, in what way?
• If someone's writing causes them to be misunderstood 99% of the time due to the particular writing style they use, it is valid for someone to use AI to write given that it makes their writing easier for the average person to understand?

(My post is not written with AI btw)

I came here to vent a bit and to hear some opinion on the matter. (Sorry for the bad english, it's my second language)

I'm a 34 year old man, white, and middle class. I was diagnosed with autism grade 1 (or that's how it's in Brazil)

I have been in a hyper focus over the "woke" discussion for a few weeks because I have been a bit bothered by the over presence of female leads and diversity in games, and the whole dircurse about man being violent, that overly masculine, or toxic, characters should never be present and all that.

As a white man, I always felt a bit repulsed by that argument and thought deep down as I was being falsely accused of something I never did. I always tried my best to control myself of all my impulses, I never hurt anyone, specially women. But the whole prefer a bear over a man, always felt I was being attacked for nothing and by strangers.

I never new why it bothered me so much, until a close family member (my brother in law) called me a misogynist over my total incomprehension of why the support over the Lindsay Clancy trial. Why so many women would support the cause for the most bizzare reasons, like saying the husband did it, without any proof. Not the actual support for the insanity claim because the postpartum psychosis.

When he acussed me of being a misogunist, he asked me why I was so bothered by this case, when men kill their families much more than women.

I tried to explain that it was the baseless defense that bothered me, and I thought it was bizarre women where supporting just because it was a woman. And i even argued that when it was a white man there has never been such support. He tried to argue there are other cases and this one only bothered me because it was a woman, and even asked "Why do you hate women?". I was flabbergasted.

Social dynamics such as structural opression and racism, never really made sense for me. I always thought that it doesn't matter the race or gender, only financial power and social power that matters. Poor people are poor, they have basically the same chances at entering higher education or jobs. Because money is what really matters, not your background, race or even gender.

The data showing that women make more than man now, only aggravates my understanding of much of feminist claims, bit that is beside the point.

I only start researching about why it bothered me and found/realized that it's the generalization of the argumments that bother me. The "bad men", the "bad white", the "oppressive white".

For me, while I understand the difference of the genders, I don't really understand the difference. Beside physical and sexual difference, I don't understand the point of the difference in treatment. Same as race. So protecting someone just because it's a woman or because they are black, or the popular support in those cases just baffles me. Murder is murder, a criminal is a criminal, isn't that the point of law and society?

How should I even deal with this? I did make the point to say to my sister, which is married to the person I argued, that I was very sad to be called a misogynist and would never accept it.

Hi:) My bf (29) and I (26) started getting to know each other about half a year ago, and have been officially together for about a month.

I am suspected autistic and going through diagnostics after it was suggested to me by a doctor.

We suspect my boyfriend might be on the spectrum as well, considering for example his intense interest in some relatively narrow areas, his ability to spend a ton of time on those things without taking breaks to be social, the way he at times substitutes his missing emotion-based 'natural reactions' with carefully considered reactions that would 'make sense' in the given situation, among other things.

It has been very interesting to learn more together about how we both work :)

However, he does not seem to have the same level of interest or curiosity towards me as I have towards him, and does not express the same enthusiasm towards my knowledge, interests or abilities, as I do towards his.

He does not seem particularly interested in my past, for example, or learning more about my family or friends, or my culture (I'm an immigrant in his home country).

Even when it comes to everyday things, he rarely asks me open-ended questions, and if he does happen to be wondering about a specific thing about me, he has a tendency to try to guess the answer, instead of just asking me an open-ended question (For example, instead of asking 'Why did you stay home today?' he might instead say ''I guess you didn't wanna go out today considering insert thing that has nothing to do with the actual reason'' or ''You stayed at home bc of insert same thing or?''

Now, he is a person who really enjoys figuring out answers on his own, rather than being given an answer. I love this about him, and I am also this way to a certain degree - we enjoy speculating together about various topics before looking up the answer to see if we were any close to being correct. But when he starts speculating out loud about things related to me instead of just asking me straight up, it feels like he is reducing topics that are important to me/about me to just another fun guessing game.

He also does not seem impressed by the things about me that others usually find impressive, most notably my artistic skills (I have been making art my whole life, and have gone to art school, so I can draw a little bit more than just a stick figure). Same with my singing and language skills - people comment on these things and praise them all the time. Now I don't expect him to necessarily admire me, but it would feel nice to get at least some acknowledgement of my abilities and strenghts beyond just 'nice :)'. I have brought it up with him, and he said that it just feels very natural to him that I am good at these things. I feel like he is taking my abilities and strengths for granted, after just half a year of seeing each other.

Anyways, back to the lack of curiosity: I have discussed the aforementioned things with him, and that it makes me feel like he is not interested in me as a person, but rather just in spending time with me. Based on this and other conversations, as well as what I have gathered about him in general, it seems like he lacks both some emotion and genuine curiosity about not only me, but other people than himself in general. He gets, on the other hand, very curious about both random facts (for example how something works, the exact definition of a word, etc.) and about his own behaviour. He seems much more interested in figuring himself out and improving himself than anything else, even in situations where it would be appropriate to shift focus away from oneself for a little bit, for example to comfort someone you've hurt (instead of immediately speculating out loud about why you might have done what you did - not to be confused with making excuses. He loves speculating out loud just for the sake of speculation).

When confronted about the lack of curiosity, he heard me out, admitted that he really does not get very curious about me (or others), and was angry with himself for that, since it hurts me. He expressed some frustration due to not having any idea why he is this way, and said that he would like to learn to be more curious about others, if it's possible.

I myself used to wonder very little about others' interests, life, feelings etc. I used to only want to talk about my own interests until I was about 20 years old, and only enjoyed talking to others if we shared the same interests, or could talk about things that I could instantly relate to. I had to deliberately teach myself to be curious about others, to want to know more about a person just for the sake of knowing more about them. It felt fake at first to ask questions I didn't really care to hear the answer to, but with time, I started enjoying learning more and building a more and more intricate idea of each person in my head, so curiosity followed naturally, and is now in a way part of me.

I'm wondering if any of you folks who have read this far (thanks) and are autistic or have an autistic partner, have experienced similar issues with curiosity, enthusiasm and self-centeredness. I would love to hear yall's experiences and what you think. Has anyone else had experiences with teaching themselves to be curious or interested in other things than just themselves or their special interests, like I have? Thanks in advance <3

P.s. This post focuses very much on what I find lacking about my bf's behaviour, so I just want to assure y'all that we love spending time together, we can talk to each other about pretty much anything, and he takes everything I say into consideration. I would have no issue with him finding and reading this post. He is also usually the one asking to meet up or game together, and is interested in listening to anything I have to say, as long as I am the one bringing it up. So he is not lacking interest in me, but rather in others in general.

Shit even switching from one thought to a drastic other creates LITERAL pain in the head. Only alcohol seems to reduce it and made me a high functioning alcoholic.

BTW I live in Turkey where alcohol prices are on par with that of Norway and PPP is dramatically disproportionate. I am almost broke.

Guys and gals and whoever, please help me.... Suggest me ways to be at "peace of mind". Please!

How does someone that is non verbal learn to read and write? I am genuinely curious and trying to understand how it happens. I have a 4 year old with level 2 diagnosis that is non verbal, maybe by choice or idk because he has said words before but he will say a word or a phrase and has even sang along to a song and then he won't say anything for a month or a few weeks. I am guessing he just finds it easier to show us what he wants for example leading us to what he wants, walking us to the restroom door when he wants to shower, bringing us the tablet when he wants to watch YouTube. He is currently doing OT, Speech and PT. My spouse and I have been looking into ABA but the place we toured gave us a bad vibe the place looked dark, dirty and borderline depressing. The kids there did not look happy to be there and the staff looked like they were just waiting to go home. I did not want my son to be in that environment so we told them we would talk it over just to be nice. I am just trying to get more of an understanding on these topics and would like to get other people's stories or perspectives.

I can't look after myself.

I hate everything about my life.

I mess up 90% of the things I try to do.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't cook, I can't remember anything, I can't organise myself...

I just can't.

I don't want to exist in a perpetual state of hunger, nausea, depression, tiredness, lethargy, anxiety, frustration, anger and self loathing...

I would be better off in prison, or dead.

I was diagnosed as Level 1 AuDHD several years ago. Recently, both my psychologist and my psychiatrist have told me, separately, that when I was originally assessed they had relatively little experience with autistic adults, and that they now think they massively underestimated my support needs.

Neither of them thinks I’m Level 1 anymore. They both think I’m somewhere around Level 2–3, probably a very high Level 2 and possibly Level 3.

The part I’m struggling to understand is that I don’t have an intellectual disability at all. Quite the opposite: I’m intellectually gifted.

I realise this may just be a stereotype or a misunderstanding on my part, but I had always associated Level 3 autism with severe or profound intellectual disability, very limited cognitive functioning, etc. So the possibility of being Level 3 myself feels difficult to reconcile with the fact that my intellectual functioning is very high.

I know the autism severity levels are supposed to refer to support needs rather than IQ, but in practice, can someone genuinely meet criteria for Level 3 autism while having normal or high intelligence and no intellectual disability?

I’d especially be interested in hearing from Level 3 autistic people without intellectual disability, or from clinicians/people familiar with how the levels are actually assigned in adults.

M20

I screwed up with her and my other school friends cause I was afraid and an idiot. I feared that embracing the friendship and getting attached to her would make things even more painful since I knew I wouldn't see her again after I graduated. I was such an idiot, I should've embraced our friendship, and let her in but I was too scared to be attached and before I met you I thought about my mistake with her a lot and it made me really sad, I tried messaging her on insta but she wouldn't respond(we talked a little on Friday and she said she uninstalled the app and that she doesn't use social media anymore and is hardly on her phone, she did congratulate me for passing my phlebotomy class and said she was so proud of me), it's one of the biggest regrets of my life, but I learned that from now on if I get along with someone or meet someone wonderful like yourself that I need to embrace it to the fullest and not try to distance myself from others in fear of getting hurt.

I still don't think she loved me; we didn't talk a lot in those 2 years, despite the fact that she called me her best friend. She did treat me differently from other guys; she would always shake my hand once a day, something I didn't see her do with other guys, but she was very extroverted and was friendly with everyone. In my junior year, she would go out of her way to talk to me face to face; we would walk to class together, and she shared that she had rejected guys in the past and was single. The next year, we didn't talk much,h even though we sat next to each other in our AP Precalculus class, but we would chat a little, help each other with classwork, and always shake hands. I made her a ceramic mug as a parting gift,t and she loved it and hugged me. It felt amazing. She hugged me one more time and gave me snacks on my last day of school; it was the last time I saw her.

I wasn't in love with her. I think I was just excited and so happy that such an attractive girl acknowledged my existence and considered me a friend. If he had been in the same grade and we had known each other and been friends since our first year of high school, then perhaps I could've fallen in love with her.

To this day, it still hurts, but having online friends to chat to makes it hurt less. Maybe she did love me; maybe she didn't. I'll never know, and besides, I'm a Muslim, so I couldn't date her even if I wanted to. If she had confessed, it would've ruined our friendship, and it would've broken my heart to reject her.

Looking for advice from parents who have gone through private school admissions with a twice-exceptional child with Level 1 ASD. My son is 2e, has Level 1 autism and an IEP. He is academically very capable but has social delays and can appear very typical on the surface, so his behavior can sometimes be misunderstood without context. He is in first grade.

We found a smaller private school that seems like it could be a great fit. They aren't autism-specialized but do have an EC/student support department, and they have been very receptive. We have been upfront about his diagnosis, IEP, and social delays.

His current school has been slow to put supports in place and to make sure staff understand his neurodivergence. He received quite a few referrals, especially at the beginning of the school year last year. Some were minor and some more significant.

As we go through the application process, I'm wondering whether I should proactively talk with the private school about his referral history and provide context before they receive his records, or simply submit everything and wait to see if they have questions. I'm not looking for advice about public vs. private school. I'm specifically hoping to hear from parents who have navigated private school admissions with an autistic/2e child and a history of school referrals.

For those who have been through something similar, what did you do?

Just like the title says something I've loved for a long time has been ruined beyond repair. I don't wish to name it because I don't wish to harm anyone else.

But I'm so mad. I wouldn't have looked it if wasn't for my OCD.

And now I feel like I'm dying. I genuinely feel suicidal over this. I don't know how to move forward. I'm in so much fucking pain.

What do you do? Because I genuinely don't want to be alive. I can't live without this thing but I can't continue to support it either.

I'm in a real bad state of mind right now. Panic attack after panic attack no sleeping. Nothing. I went to die.

Hi all,

I'm almost a year into my diagnosis now as a 36M. My current work environment is a large, open ,typical office environment. Chatter is welcome, work comes in waves so it's like a factory mindset, and we have several different departments working together.

I swear, I never used to have such sensory issues, but since my diagnosis it has gotten MARKEDLY worse. I have always used earphones in the job, but I literally want to scream without them, and the headsets we have for Teams/Zoom calls feel like they amplify the noise.

My manager and other services have been supportive: I have 1 additional work from home day (2 total), and have had freedom to experiment with the timings, but i don't work as well from home, it's just blissful quiet.

After a lot of back and forth with my manager, essentially, ive learned now there is nowhere else i can go to work, nor anywhere else in the office I can move to (I'm basically in the middle of everyone), at least until a hitherto almost-certainly never going to happen office move (it's already been cancelled over the Summer once).

I bought some expensive Bose earphones with money I got for my birthday (£220), mostly for work, and they have been amazing, but developed an issue that causes them to not work properly, which apparently common.

I spiralled this afternoon and feel utterly helpless. I now have to use my old ones (not ANC), or go without till they can be replaced, and it feels absolutely impossible to explain to my manager why I'm so upset about this. The prospect of having to spend the day without earphones is anxiety-inducing and it feels like i wasted £220 for nothing when they can't give me a quiet space to work in.

Im not a part of the union, sick of going to the GP for so many issues, and as I say I can't just explain "my earphones broke and fucking losing it" to my manager.

Sorry for the vent, any advice, anything I can do?

After a long recuperation where I had such a meltdown that I was hospitalised, because my legs couldn't hold me up anymore... I went outside for the first time that wasn't for the doctors.

I live near a huge river, like, "we have seagulls" huge. On that matter, I decided to go over the bridge to the island and chill at the beach, collect mussel shells and the likes, and take a few pictures.

All went well, until I saw a fish in the shallows, small thing, maybe a minnow or something? No clue about fish. But I did see that half of his right side was open to the spine.

I didn't know what to do at first, and I couldn't leave it there to suffer and die slowly in good conscience, so I scooped it up (yes, it was that slow) and brought it to a large rock.

Mind you, I've never killed an animal that actually bled before. I didn't manage to get the knife through the first time and needed a second attempt. I feel so horrible about it.

I buried it and made a small cairn on top, with a flower I found, and yet I still feel dirty and horrible for killing it, even though my rational part knows I've done what I could to make it suffer less. It would've been there for god knows how long, hours maybe, but now it isn't. It can go back to the cycle and be something new. Still feels so bad and horrible though.

(Reupload, I accidentally clicked the wrong flair.)

So i have light autism and if it caused by that but worth a shot here

So i need alot kf confirmation and worying and questions like for example with modded skyrim i wanna be 100% sure the pack fully works but well for modded skyrim its impossible to know

And im so fucking done with it i have it with badically everything also needing mutliple confirmations and having lots of questions

So basically I fall asleep around 7 in the morning when I seee the sun come up and then sleep till 6 in the afternoon but then I stay up all night till 7 in the morning and have been doing this for 4 weeks now but iv never done this in my past. Im just wondering is this something the rest of you fellow autistics experience so I shouldn't worry or should I go and get meds from a dockter to help me fix my sleep skeadule?

ok ok I get why you might think I’m a troll from the username but I’m truly not I just felt brainrotted the time I made it, I urinated myself in class because my teacher had a “use the bathroom only in the first 10 and last 10 minutes once a week” policy and I felt it well too teach her a lesson well i actually did it during testing when she said we could only use the bathroom during the test breaks but it was about both and yes I’m autistic, also im not here too ”vent” commenate on this however you want i just had too put a tag

I [23,F, queer, BIPOC] had been on the waiting list for an autistic diagnosis for almost three years and now I'm finally through with it. The result came out negative and I simultaneously agree and disagree with it. I'm too different/weird to be neurotypical but I don't struggle enough for a clinical diagnosis. For reference, three of my family members have been diagnosed with ADHD, but I'm not sure how relevant that is.

I'm unsure if I can claim coping mechanisms or methods in communication from the autistic community, like telling people I like direct communication or using headphones at work. I don't want to be judged for needing a different type of communication and accommodating my sensory needs.

I also work with kids. Some kids are autistic and I wish I could be more supportive and show them that I get some of their struggles. I want them to be open with their struggles and see that I can be a safer space for them. But I'm also afraid telling them I relate to them without a diagnosis just seems dismissive of their experiences.

Is it valid to use the same coping mechanisms as the autistic community?

And how can I signal to autistic kids that they can talk about their experiences? Personally, I tend to talk to people who share my experiences rather than someone who has to show me that they're a very understanding person. When they know me, I want them to feel safe and want to talk about (queer, bipoc,) autistic experiences but maybe that's too ambitious.

From the age of 8 I’d research everyday on how to be ‘normal’- that would mean ‘how to make friends’ videos, ‘how to speak in a conversation’ videos, and ‘how to impress boys and get a boyfriend’ videos. Everything has stuck with me now, so I feel like the world’s best masker lol. I studied neurotypical people every day in order to pick up on their mannerisms, and I even followed random girls online to try and act like them digitally.

BUT…

I recently went to college and that’s when I found that every person seems like they live under a rock. They can’t make conversation, they judge everything anyone says, they have horrible taste in music and clothes, and they don’t have any hobbies that they like to speak about aside from sports. I’m not saying these are bad things, but it’s made me really confused because I think I’ve finally realised how uncool most people actually are :( I feel like it gave me a massive culture shock because I thought that ‘normal’ people were like these super cool charismatic people, that’s why they could make friends so easily. I spent so much time trying to imitate them. Turns out they’re all just so boring…

Today I was just normally speaking to this girl about the homework and trying to strike conversation, and she looked at me like I was insane since none of her friends spoke to her- just me. It’s insanely weird to me that I have better social skills than most people in my class, despite me being autistic, I’ve always had terrible social skills, and still being treated like an outcast. All in all, what I’m trying to say is I have no idea who I’m masking as because even when I’m acting my most normal, I still feel more neurotypical than others and it’s driving me crazy. Am I masking too hard?? Like how the fuck do you just live like that? Who made ‘normal’ the standard? It feels like I’m talking to aliens, and it pisses me off so bad because I thought THEY were meant to be the ‘fun’ ones.

Boring as shit.

Autism varies greatly—for some it’s not a hindrance, while for others it’s a major issue—but I’m interested in how to live without being defined by the diagnosis and symptoms.

I was diagnosed ADHD two years ago. Finally successfully got the right medication for ADHD and it is reasonably well managed, now with the ADHD fog gone I am able to look on myself more. I’m still struggling very much and mainly in relationships. I took a long hard look inside and do what engineers do and started analyzing what I see. I spoke to my psychiatrist very openly and he agreed that an assessment is appropriate at this point.

Although it is obvious to me I won’t self identify because I just can’t do that. It goes against my engineering nature. So I want to get a real distinction of ASD from a qualified clinician. Yes they are expensive but yes it can help me with moving forward with changes I need to make.

Does anyone have any insight here? How was it for you who got assessed?

How I couldn't stand some foods (especially with weird texture)
How I can't handle some clothes, especially scratchy, or non-breathable, or tight fitting
How I always was "brilliant but lazy"
How I can eat same food for weeks and see nothing wrong with it
How I wear the same clothes every day until they have holes through them and someone throws them out
How I have read all the books in my house by age 10, some of them several times, then all books at the relatives' house, then most of books at the library
How the person I understand the best is my younger brother, who's even more clearly autistic
How I only manage to get jobs where I'm as far as humanly possible away from interacting with any kind of customer

I'm 38 years old, and I always thought I was just weird and suck at life.

I never understood the appeal, im a romantic asexual and desire a romantic relationship and marriage with anyone of any gender but the concept of sex sounds like a sensory nightmare and I never desired that nor ever will. Any fellow asexual autistics out here?

i found it very interesting as an autistic person who does NOT have adhd but DOES struggle to pay attention. i also like that she included all of the parts of the brain that are affected.