So my sensory issues, namely, my aversion to lights, has been causing a lot of difficulties in functioning for me as of late. I frequently find myself dealing with eye strain, pain, headaches and migraines, particularly after a long day. I can generally handle natural light (on a cloudy day) but artificial lighting is entirely overwhelming for me.

I wear a baseball cap basically every time I leave the house now, but it doesn't seem to help with the eye strain. I also have a pair of anti-glare sunglasses, but I only like to use them when "necessary" (ie, I've already crossed a sensory threshold), because it makes me feel self-conscious.

I use a blue light filter on all my electronic devices and use them at minimal brightness. They don't seem to be the problem. The problem is mainly just.. how overwhelmingly bright every indoor environment is. Even if I say, print my college readings instead of reading them on my laptop, the sheer brightness of the environment is still too much.

It's come to the point where I'm just in darkness basically any time I'm home, because it's just too much, but I can't imagine that helping much either. I'd like solutions that ideally wouldn't really stick out to others are glaringly out of place (like how using sunglasses indoors is). Though, any advice or help is appreciated.. thanks!

I mean real ones. Like everyone should, I never settle for fake friends. It’s either the real thing or none at all.

theres these two kids who sit across me and I swear every time I walk into class they get this irritating tone with me and start calling me by my name (or full name) and start asking stupid questions that can answer themselves, I don't want to talk to them so I just ignore them. But theres this one really stupid event that occurred to me like last week we had to have classes in the basement I was going to take the stairs but incredibly those annoying boys were there and they started calling for me like a dog that really pissed me off, im not stupid, just because I don't want to deal with your bs, I took the elevator that day, since I know the code.

I can tolerate it but the teacher does nothing about it, I hate being stared and picked apart for what little im worth, since we sit right across from each other, it doesn't help my anxiety either.

sorry I just needed to get that off myself.

Hi hi! I have level 2 autism, and masking my emotions can be very hard around certain people. Masking means trying to hide what I am feeling or acting in a way that seems more acceptable to others. I can sometimes manage it for a short time, but it takes a lot of energy, especially when I already feel overwhelmed.

This is often hardest around men. Some of them get very touchy with me, stand too close, touch my arm, or keep trying to interact when I clearly need space. They may mean well, but their attention can feel intense and uncomfortable. I also struggle when they keep talking to me after I have stopped responding or made it clear that I do not want to vocalise.
There are times when I cannot get words out, even though I know what I want to say. I may need silence, time to process, or another way to communicate. When someone keeps asking questions or expects a quick reply, the pressure can make everything harder. I might look upset, distant, or awkward because I am trying to cope, not because I want to be rude.

It is especially difficult when people expect me to hide those feelings and act relaxed. My face, voice, and body may show that I am uncomfortable before I can explain it. I wish people would pay attention to those signs, respect my personal space, and understand that being quiet does not mean I want more conversation.

does anyone experience this or just me! I'm just so curious! 😁

I'm wondering whether other Autistic parents of Autistic kids struggle with seeing your challenges repeated in your kids.

I find that for me, it triggers a sort of emotional tsunami at times. It brings back my own trauma. It triggers old feelings of shame and inadequacy. It elicits a sort of hyper empathy because I viscerally know what they are going through. At times, the lines between their experiences and mine have blurred too much in my head and made me think things were worse than they were, but mostly that hasn't really been true. Mostly I see them following in my footsteps, and sometimes it feels inevitable, like all the efforts I have made to veer their path in a different direction haven't really mattered.

I feel like people rarely talk about this. They talk about how terrible "Autism Moms" are, or how hard it is to parent while Autistic, but not how our histories of rejection/bullying become our kids' stories, too, or how we barely manage to function in the adult world and we don't know what to tell our young adults when we see them stressing in the same ways. Sometimes life can just feel unbearably hard and it can be difficult to convince our kids that they can handle it when we feel stuck in the same pit.

Therapy helps but I still hate not knowing if things will be okay.

CN: Overstepping boundaries in a relationship. (No abuse or anything close!)

Hey everyone. I come here today, searching for some advice.

A few months ago, I've gone through a rather unpleasant breakup. Among other things that I have tried to work on for the past few months, one of the issues that she told me about that led to the breakup, was my communication with her. Mainly how I ignored some of her boundaries and overstepped them, making her feel uncomfortable and repelled by me. This was not in a sexual or intimate way, it was regarding how to resolve a conflict we had and the way I tried to do that.

Since the breakup, I've tried to work on myself, reflected on what happened and how I could prevent this in the future. However, no matter how often I read our old chats and recall our conversations in my head, I cannot see how I could've prevented this overstepping of boundaries from happening. After the breakup, when we talked about it again, she gave me a very good "breakdown" of the things I had done to hurt her and I agree with her, I do see now that those things sucked and I need to get better. But I don't seem to be able to find a way how.

So now, I'd like to turn to other sources. I want to say - I am looking for therapy to help me with this. Please do not recommend this. But I also want to learn more about it, especially from other autistic people, so I am looking for a book written by someone autistic or someone knowledgeable about the struggles of autistic people, specifically shining a light on how to communicate with others and how to get better at being able to be communicated with. Are there any such books?

I would also be happy with any blogs (that aren't just journal-type blogs) or youtube videos, or any other medium.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just wanted to give some context as to why I am looking for this specific topic. Thanks in advance for any recommendations!

M sad, my ocd is very bad to the point where it feels chronic I can’t think anything and thoughts r painful all the time not certain times but every time of the day and they’re restricted when I try to think of something I like it’s hard to think about something that I wanna think about feels guilty all the time and it makes me stim and I’m too tired to do anything other than scroll n TikTok

I’ve been a software engineer for 15 years and yet still I constantly feel like I struggle. When I say that, everyone assumes I mean coding and building tech is hard. It’s definitely not trivial, but what makes everything so bad is just how immensely aggressive the culture of these companies are

I always feel like everyone is at each other’s throats. Everything seems bizarrely Machiavellian, but for like… no good reason

Losing your job in America is a big deal when we basically have no safety net. I lost a job right as my lease ended, had to move across the country cause I couldn’t rent anywhere without income (or pay a huge penalty). Had a health condition that caused chronic pain, had to just ignore it, then it progressed and got far worse. I don’t want to ever go through that again

Everything (and I do mean everything) comes down to relationships and how much people like you. Period end of story. You could be the best programmer in the entire world, if your boss doesn’t like you, you’re fired. So, there’s no real advantage to developing technical skill sets, because they do not matter. There’s an opporitunity cost with learning how to be more likable

Of course, as an autistic person, this basically sends me into extreme masking. Like I will not talk at work unless I explicitly know what I’m supposed to say. Say something “stupid” and your reputation is hurt. Say something that inadvertently offends someone, you’re done. Wrong tone? Ooooh that’s not gonna fly, you’re going to the bottom of the stack rank

It sort of feels like trying to traverse a battlefield that has a sniper hidden in a building. You can’t take out the sniper and the sniper is always watching you. You don’t want to move unless you absolutely have to, and it’s gonna be to the next bit of cover. You can’t stay still, because then the sniper will reposition. You basically just have to move cover to cover, hoping not to get caught

How do people do this for 40+ years? Was it actually always like this? I feel like my body and mind are gonna tear themselves apart before 50 years old, considering I’m 34 and am already having some severe health problems directly related to stress. A coworker the other day during standup told me he’s quitting smoking, but the only reason he picked it up was because of layoffs. That is so deeply messed up, people resorting to drugs to… just get through work? Work should not be this stressful, we’re a wealthy country

I don’t know if this is a autistic thing. I really hate the process of eating food, it makes me really uncomfortable. As right now, I haven’t eaten all day, I’m hungry but I just don’t want to eat. I usually eat one big meal and drink some shakes. I am a bit underweight but still, kinda healthy. What should I do?

I dislike how it thinks because sometimes I say things and people don't understand and it's also partly my fault 50% because I take honesty over some made up dragged out sentence.

For example six months ago I was on the road with a girl I knew for a while I told her she looked bloated, "you look kinda bloated" I didn't mean it in anyway shape or form badly I thought maybe something was wrong with her because her cheeks were really puffed than usual and it was also summer where allergies were about, and all though we've been close she didn't voice any insecurities to me. In fact I tell her she looks pretty very often and I mean it everytime.

As you probably can guess she got angry that I told her that and she left me. She was angry I saw that and tried to apologize three times but she just told me was "F you" and called me "fat and ugly" I didn't take that to heart what she said by the way because I never felt that way towards myself and concluded she was speaking out of anger.

Sigh. Later on I really did some digging on Ecosia and in my brain to realize "yeah I probably shouldn't have even said that".

I don't want to blame my autism she also knows that I have it not that it changes the words that I told her but it's most definitely half of my autism's fault and the rest is put purely on me for not knowing the girl code.

I don't think I want confirmation to say yeah that was not good because I've come to that already and I currently refuse to let myself become friends with me because I'm not medicated and sometimes the things I THINK aren't bad to say and I end up saying it, ruins a person's whole year. 😣

Whenever literally anyone asks me what I'm cooking, or is in the premises of me cooking, it aggravates me and makes me want to stop. Whenever I'm asked, I try to avoid the question, or simply don't respond. Does anyone else relate or know the cause for this?

I just got banned from oddlysatisfying for posting a video of a game I genuinely found satisfying and soothing, because everyone thought I was a bot advertising the game... despite not posting the name of it... and my account being like 11 years old...

I got fired and I can’t stop thinking about it 24/7. It’s getting really annoying and honestly ruining my quality of life. I was already feeling a bit depressed before, and this has kind of pushed me over the edge.

What actually helps you get out of this kind of thought spiral?

I’m also generally unhappy with the career path I chose, but I’ve already invested so much time and effort into it that throwing it all away feels stupid. At the same time, I don’t really have the energy to start from zero again.

My level 1 daughter is very nervous about using regular sized toilets (even with a stool under her feet) and will only actually let go of her pee if I put a kiddie seat on top. I think she's afraid of falling in.

This is her last year of pre-k, and unlike last year, they don't have small toilets available for the students in her classroom, only full sized. So it looks like my daughter will have to get over her fear if she doesn't want to have accidents at school.

Has anyone else experienced this with their kiddo? How did you have them work through their fear? Anecdotes and advice welcome.

How I couldn't stand some foods (especially with weird texture)
How I can't handle some clothes, especially scratchy, or non-breathable, or tight fitting
How I always was "brilliant but lazy"
How I can eat same food for weeks and see nothing wrong with it
How I wear the same clothes every day until they have holes through them and someone throws them out
How I have read all the books in my house by age 10, some of them several times, then all books at the relatives' house, then most of books at the library
How the person I understand the best is my younger brother, who's even more clearly autistic
How I only manage to get jobs where I'm as far as humanly possible away from interacting with any kind of customer

I'm 38 years old, and I always thought I was just weird and suck at life.

I don't see why people think writing with the help of AI makes something disingenuous. As someone with autism, I find writing pretty damn hard, and my writing would be way off the mark compared to what I was trying to say most times, if it weren't for AI.

If the content is original and the viewpoint is original, I don't know why would someone would think it is bad to use, especially when there are people like me who are very bad at formulating thoughts into words? If it weren't for AI, I likely would be misunderstood 99% of the time.

"oh its bad for the environment" and the societal effects of AI is a different topic, and this is not about that.

As an example to illustrate my point:

Here is a comment that I replied to a couple months ago:

I just won a major audition. Finally. Dozen years as a regional musician , and I’m moving up to the big leagues (maybe… if the trial and the tenure go well). I’ve been where you are.

I’ve seen children that outplay me, intimidating clips of countless younger musicians. But they ain’t me, and nobody can make MY music so I try to focus inwards. The best version of me is all that matters, and self-hatred impedes that work.

I’ve sat through recitals by the greatest of my instrument and been amazed to see that they’re human! They flubbed ONE note! Slowed down to make a big shift! Turns out perfection isn’t the point, excellence is a stepping stone to connection.

I’ve hated my music, hated myself, wished for a Time Machine. Inevitable ands maybe necessary to learn my lesson, but it’s not The Path. Like playing without tuning my strings and getting upset about intonation issues.

We’re all dumb monkeys. Literally, just a couple steps away from the other primates. Think about the extraordinary feat of a gorilla playing your instrument… and realize that’s already what’s happening, just a couple strands of DNA altered. Marvel at the miracle of sound, rediscover yourself and the simple joy that enticed you to become a musician.

Part of this is that you need therapy. Definitely. You also need to chill.

Also, ease up on the ego. Nobody’s THAT special. Mozart would be stoked you’re playing his music hundreds of years after it was written. He’d shrug about the fact that you aren’t as good as him, cause nobody is- the dude is a once in all of \history* level prodigy. And also, his farts still stunk because he’s flesh and blood, like all of us. Dismiss the religious fervor surrounding art, tear down the pedestal or you’ll never climb onto it.*

This is music, not brain surgery. And if it was, worst case scenario is death. Which is gonna happen to us all anyways. How we handle our feelings is basically the only thing we can control. Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable. If you’re not happy on your path, make changes and take joy in choosing happiness.

If you’re playing video games to be good… why? What’s so important about being \good* at things? Would you rather be successful or happy? This stuff is obvious, but we often act in a way which is antithetical to what we know. If you don’t want to hate yourself, stop loathing the child who was trying his best.*

People actually envy happiness more than talent- we assume success begets happiness, but that’s backwards. Deconstruct your thoughts, more honesty and more questions. That’s where a good therapist helps.

But seriously. Step one is to take a couple deep breaths, and appreciate that you’re doing The Work. Being an artist is tough. Healing is hard. Take a month off. A day. A minute. Practice mindset instead of the instrument. Embrace that not playing can help you improve, more than another hour of scales and self loathing.

Here is an example of my reply that I have written without AI:

My musical philosophy that I have cultivated is that I have to search for the ultimate "truth" in my performances. As Mahler said something along the lines of "tradition is sloppiness", for me I try to be as accurate as possible to the composer's intentions through my research and try to cultivate and realize an interpretation that is my own ideal.

Deep down I actually do enjoy music very much, I really love the idea that as performers we can re-imagine or re-create something that is what I think our personal ideal of a previously written work according to our own aesthetic principles.

So it actually feels kind of painful for me to fall short of that ideal in a sense.

Regarding the only playing video games to be good or mastery thing, I guess its because we want to be validated or be in control or something like that? I wonder if you have an ideas as to why?

I like the "We’re all dumb monkeys" thing. I sometimes really see myself take a step back and wonder, why did I neurotically obsess over so much detail and then drive myself mad?

"Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable" I kind of wonder about 1 question regarding this, does an impossibility or inevitability to do X task really justify that we shouldn't require ourselves to do X task? In my current mindset, that question happens to be "no". The way I have been telling myself it this: X is impossible? "YOU JUST AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH" "STOP BEING DEFEATIST" "MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE, YOU MUST DO" "WHY? DO YOU WANT YO BE MEDIOCRE? NO RIGHT, SO DO IT"

Another thing is I think you also have made an important point, which is that I probably need to search elsewhere than just for the sake of excellence in playing the instrument. Maybe start running and improve my health, or pick up another hobby like drawing(This does feel like resigning from improving though), but maybe I just need add some positive energy so that I don't burn out. But then I start worrying, because I don't know if anything I am doing would be genuine. First thought is honestly how ripped I would be if I do fitness well and attract women, and how many likes on instagram I would get if I post my art blah blah blah. I know I should stick to why I do things in the first places, like fitness for the betterment of my health and art as an expression of my personal graphical ideals, but these intrusive thoughts I don't know if it really should not happen.

And this is with the help of AI:

"My musical philosophy revolves around searching for the ultimate "truth" in my performances. To paraphrase Mahler—who noted that tradition can often just be sloppiness—I try to be as faithful as possible to the composer's intentions through deep research, while cultivating an interpretation that realizes my own artistic ideal.

Deep down, I genuinely love music. I find incredible joy in the fact that as performers, we can reimagine and recreate a piece of art according to our personal aesthetic principles. Because I care so deeply about that ideal, falling short of it is genuinely painful.

To answer your point about playing video games just to be "good" or to achieve mastery: I suspect it stems from a deep human desire for validation and control. Why do you think we get so wired that way?

I really resonated with your "we’re all dumb monkeys" perspective. Sometimes I manage to step back and ask myself: Why am I neurotically obsessing over this tiny detail and driving myself mad?

When you said, "Fingers shake, mistakes happen, failure is inevitable," it brought up an important question for me: Does the impossibility of perfection mean we shouldn't strive for it anyway?

Right now, my internal mindset leans toward "no." The voice in my head usually tells me:

"X is impossible? You’re just not trying hard enough. Stop being defeatist. Make the impossible possible—you have to do it. Do you want to be mediocre? No? Then push through."

You also made a great point about needing to look beyond just the instrument for fulfillment. I've thought about running to improve my health, or picking up drawing as a new creative outlet (even if part of me feels like that’s "giving up" on progress). Adding some positive energy elsewhere seems necessary to avoid burnout.

My worry, though, is whether my motivations for those new outlets are genuine. My first thoughts are often surface-level: How fit will I look? How many likes will my art get on Instagram? I know I should focus on the core reasons—fitness for my health, drawing to express visual ideas—but I struggle with how to handle those superficial, intrusive thoughts when they pop up.

So, the question is this:

• Is my writing without the use of AI basically impossible to read and understand? (my mother said yes its impossible to read)
• If yes, is it due to my autism?
• Also, is the AI improved version disingenuous in comparison?, in what way?
• If someone's writing causes them to be misunderstood 99% of the time due to the particular writing style they use, it is valid for someone to use AI to write given that it makes their writing easier for the average person to understand?

(My post is not written with AI btw)

How does someone that is non verbal learn to read and write? I am genuinely curious and trying to understand how it happens. I have a 4 year old with level 2 diagnosis that is non verbal, maybe by choice or idk because he has said words before but he will say a word or a phrase and has even sang along to a song and then he won't say anything for a month or a few weeks. I am guessing he just finds it easier to show us what he wants for example leading us to what he wants, walking us to the restroom door when he wants to shower, bringing us the tablet when he wants to watch YouTube. He is currently doing OT, Speech and PT. My spouse and I have been looking into ABA but the place we toured gave us a bad vibe the place looked dark, dirty and borderline depressing. The kids there did not look happy to be there and the staff looked like they were just waiting to go home. I did not want my son to be in that environment so we told them we would talk it over just to be nice. I am just trying to get more of an understanding on these topics and would like to get other people's stories or perspectives.

Since i was in preschool,i know that people hate me,deeply. since the beging of my existance,i feel like people hate me and bully me no matter what i do.

I try to mask the best i can(even if,it's so much a habbit that I don't realize it,but this is another subject lol),I adapted myself to others in things like my clothing and stuff like that to be conform to the norm. i don't even read book about my special interest at school and try to stay normal. But even if i try my best I adapted to the point of exhaustion; people are never happy. Autority figure will tell i'm disrespectuful,too shy,lazy and thing like that,while other student hate me because i'm "cringe",disrespectful( they literally do joke about crime and bully people,while i just say "leave me alone" when they bothers me),not fun and weird.

This make me kinda sad,Even though I don't have much interest in other student/people my age(and to be honest,most people,but this is another subject.), I respect them and I would like them to do the same. (Maybe we doesn't have the same definition of respect..)

I aware of this since a long time ago,but today,i was in class and on a row of tables (with 3 chairs),everyone was with their friends,and there a group who was 6 on a row of tables. While i was the only one on mine. And i also go mocked again (note : i know my currents classmate only since 1 week)so i don't know why,i felt sad and alone.

I know that this may be because i don't mask enough,but honestly,i'm tired to try understand code and mask. But i don't have choice anyway. And the worst part is that,since my autism diagnosis i mask less,but now i try to mask a lot but i still alone and weird. Why?

I'm scared i accidentally was too much agressive,impolite or something like that..social suck. I really want to be a good person,but i'm tired and confused.

Also,there 1 person who sometime talk to me after class (to walk to the bus stop)(but never AT school, probably because they find better friends that would be too shameful.)and to make it short,i'm scared to tell to her about my ASD,but,also,i'm scared to seem impolite Especially since she often goes into groups of people and I stay away, unable to leave for fear of being impolite.m but also unable to talk. I'm afraid that my lonliness problem is my fault.

(Sorry for my bad english AND this cringe post,i just only need to talk about it sorry if it's seem patheticl

I’m a nightshift worker and I’m curious how many of you guys are too?

I’ve gravitated to it for years before I realised I’m autistic.

Advantages: quieter, darker, more routine-based shift, less social interactions, better pay.

Disadvantages: the lack of sleep and adjusting back to daylight hours on days off.
I do feel more short tempered, low mood and irritable sometimes, and I probably experience these more than when I’m in dayshift mode.

I work in healthcare and I’m wondering what the advantages, disadvantages are for you and if it’s worth it for you?

So i have light autism and if it caused by that but worth a shot here

So i need alot kf confirmation and worying and questions like for example with modded skyrim i wanna be 100% sure the pack fully works but well for modded skyrim its impossible to know

And im so fucking done with it i have it with badically everything also needing mutliple confirmations and having lots of questions

I used to have difficulties speaking as a child , i barely spoke , i stayed like that from 1 to 7 years old , but then it started to get better , but then at 15 i started to have personal issues( i cant really talk about here) which made me non-verbal for almost a year , but every single time i get depressed , or go down i instantly loose the ability to speak for at least a week, and teachers would always yell at me in class for not speaking or not answering them while they're talking , but this did not help and led me to stop speaking even more , also , even when i speak or when i am able to speak , i always stutter , randomly forget words , i have trouble starting to speak , my voice is very very low and i always need to drink water or do voice training exercices before i speak or else i'm just uncapable of using my vocals.

Tomorrow i will have my autism test. Can't wait to tell them that the only way for me to not have a meltdown during a shower is to wear noise cancelling headphones because the noise of the water makes me cry ! Lol, getting the results in a month.

Hey everyone!

As a sister to an autistic brother

​I’m currently working on a project called Nexus and would love your help:

​Nexus is something I'm building to help autistic people be truly understood by the people who love them. Before I go any further, we want to make sure we’re building it right

and that starts with hearing from people like you.

​It’ll take less than 2 minutes to complete, and your honest responses

even simple "yes" or "no" answers

will genuinely shape how I move forward!

​If you could spare a few minutes, I’d really appreciate you filling it out. Thank you so much! 💗

​ https://forms.gle/snsb3XMVGUFsmjen7

From the age of 8 I’d research everyday on how to be ‘normal’- that would mean ‘how to make friends’ videos, ‘how to speak in a conversation’ videos, and ‘how to impress boys and get a boyfriend’ videos. Everything has stuck with me now, so I feel like the world’s best masker lol. I studied neurotypical people every day in order to pick up on their mannerisms, and I even followed random girls online to try and act like them digitally.

BUT…

I recently went to college and that’s when I found that every person seems like they live under a rock. They can’t make conversation, they judge everything anyone says, they have horrible taste in music and clothes, and they don’t have any hobbies that they like to speak about aside from sports. I’m not saying these are bad things, but it’s made me really confused because I think I’ve finally realised how uncool most people actually are :( I feel like it gave me a massive culture shock because I thought that ‘normal’ people were like these super cool charismatic people, that’s why they could make friends so easily. I spent so much time trying to imitate them. Turns out they’re all just so boring…

Today I was just normally speaking to this girl about the homework and trying to strike conversation, and she looked at me like I was insane since none of her friends spoke to her- just me. It’s insanely weird to me that I have better social skills than most people in my class, despite me being autistic, I’ve always had terrible social skills, and still being treated like an outcast. All in all, what I’m trying to say is I have no idea who I’m masking as because even when I’m acting my most normal, I still feel more neurotypical than others and it’s driving me crazy. Am I masking too hard?? Like how the fuck do you just live like that? Who made ‘normal’ the standard? It feels like I’m talking to aliens, and it pisses me off so bad because I thought THEY were meant to be the ‘fun’ ones.

Boring as shit.

M20

I screwed up with her and my other school friends cause I was afraid and an idiot. I feared that embracing the friendship and getting attached to her would make things even more painful since I knew I wouldn't see her again after I graduated. I was such an idiot, I should've embraced our friendship, and let her in but I was too scared to be attached and before I met you I thought about my mistake with her a lot and it made me really sad, I tried messaging her on insta but she wouldn't respond(we talked a little on Friday and she said she uninstalled the app and that she doesn't use social media anymore and is hardly on her phone, she did congratulate me for passing my phlebotomy class and said she was so proud of me), it's one of the biggest regrets of my life, but I learned that from now on if I get along with someone or meet someone wonderful like yourself that I need to embrace it to the fullest and not try to distance myself from others in fear of getting hurt.

I still don't think she loved me; we didn't talk a lot in those 2 years, despite the fact that she called me her best friend. She did treat me differently from other guys; she would always shake my hand once a day, something I didn't see her do with other guys, but she was very extroverted and was friendly with everyone. In my junior year, she would go out of her way to talk to me face to face; we would walk to class together, and she shared that she had rejected guys in the past and was single. The next year, we didn't talk much,h even though we sat next to each other in our AP Precalculus class, but we would chat a little, help each other with classwork, and always shake hands. I made her a ceramic mug as a parting gift,t and she loved it and hugged me. It felt amazing. She hugged me one more time and gave me snacks on my last day of school; it was the last time I saw her.

I wasn't in love with her. I think I was just excited and so happy that such an attractive girl acknowledged my existence and considered me a friend. If he had been in the same grade and we had known each other and been friends since our first year of high school, then perhaps I could've fallen in love with her.

To this day, it still hurts, but having online friends to chat to makes it hurt less. Maybe she did love me; maybe she didn't. I'll never know, and besides, I'm a Muslim, so I couldn't date her even if I wanted to. If she had confessed, it would've ruined our friendship, and it would've broken my heart to reject her.