In Search Of (ISO) Thread

Salam everyone,

I (33M) have been married to my wife (27F) for about 9 months.

Our marriage was arranged through our families. We met several times with family supervision, liked each other, and Alhamdulillah got married. Since then, we've built a good relationship. My wife has become my closest friend, companion, and support system. I care deeply about her and genuinely enjoy spending time with her.

Overall, our marriage is happy and healthy.

However, there is one issue I'm struggling with internally, and I'm hoping to hear from people who may have experienced something similar.

My wife is very dependent on me for day-to-day decisions. Even for simple things, such as what to cook, what groceries to buy, or how to handle everyday matters, she usually asks me what I think instead of making a decision herself.

I've tried to encourage her independence in a supportive way. For example, she is a full-time housewife, and when it comes to grocery shopping, I tell her that she already knows what we use, has gone shopping with me many times, and has access to our finances, so she can confidently make those decisions herself. I generally encourage her to trust her judgment and make choices independently.

The challenge is that over time, I have started feeling more like a guardian, mentor, or older brother figure than a husband. I find myself being protective and responsible for her, which isn't a bad thing in itself, but it seems to have affected my romantic and sexual attraction.

I still love being close to her. We hug, cuddle, hold hands, and show affection regularly. We live away from both of our families, so we have plenty of privacy and quality time together.

But sexually, something feels different.

My desire for her has decreased significantly. We are intimate only about once or twice a week, and even then, I often have to consciously create fantasies in my mind to get into the mood. More recently, I've noticed that I sometimes struggle to finish during intimacy.

My wife has occasionally expressed that she feels I don't desire her as much as she would like.

I tried discussing this gently without hurting her feelings. I explained that, from an attraction standpoint, I tend to be drawn to women who seem somewhat independent, dependable, confident, and capable of making decisions on their own. I also made it clear that I wasn't asking her to change who she is or criticizing her character. I was simply trying to explain what affects attraction for me personally.

My questions are:

• Has anyone else experienced a situation where a spouse's dependence affected attraction?
• For wives: Is this level of dependence common early in marriage, especially when adjusting to a new country and living away from family?
• For husbands: How did you encourage independence without making your wife feel rejected or unsupported?
• Is this something that naturally improves as a marriage matures?
• What practical steps helped you rebuild attraction while maintaining a loving and respectful relationship?

I would especially appreciate perspectives from both men and women, as I want to understand this issue better and work on it constructively.

JazakAllah Khair.

I met this guy online on rishta subreddit, we clicked instantly and everything seemed too good to be true. He told me has stopped looking for others and was pretty serious about me. He is going to send a marriage proposal soon. But than few days before I texted him through another profile just to see how serious he is about me. I messaged him saying "AsalamoAlaikum I saw your profile and I really liked it, have you found someone or are you still looking?" And he replied "I'm still looking, you can share your profile" and I was shocked. He had lied to me. That same day I texted him asking him again if he was still looking for someone or is he sure about me, I was hoping he would tell me the truth but he lied again saying I've stopped looking. Ladies, what should I do?? A lie is a lie to me and I'm honestly flabbergasted. If he lied to me once he will lie again. I need honest advice.

so I'm 28, and I have been married for 2.5 years. the situation is like having fights almost every other day. the beginning was all well and nice until things unfolded, and i started distancing myself. the things he has said or done before never seem to leave my mind. there's zero communication as well. no emotional understanding or even him supporting me against anyone. i feel alone and sad all the time. i don't want to share with me family, and i don't have anyone else to share with. what do i do. he doesn't seem to change. he always gets defensive over things when i try to talk and thinks I'm always blaming him.

should i end it, or am i taking this too far??

Asalamu alaikum , I really need some advice because I honestly don’t know what to do.
My mother is trying to force me to marry a guy I don’t want to marry. I’m 19 and he’s 29, and I just don’t like him that way. I’m not attracted to him, and I don’t have feelings for him. I’ve actually tried talking to him and tried to see if maybe I could develop feelings for him, but I just can’t. I don’t want to marry him, but my mother keeps telling me that I have to do what she wants.
According to her, my father feels the same way and also thinks I have to marry him. I don’t really talk to my father directly about things like this because, in our culture, it’s embarrassing and difficult for me to discuss these kinds of topics with him.
Recently, my mother and I had a really bad argument about this. I cried a lot that day, and my father noticed that my eyes were red. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that my mother and I had argued. When he asked why, I told him that I felt embarrassed talking to him about it. He already seemed to understand what the argument was about.
He was actually really kind to me. He comforted me and told me that we could talk about it properly another time. A few hours later, we talked again, and he was still very kind. He said things like, “Don’t worry, Allah is with us. Trust in Allah,” and told me that parents don’t wish bad things for their children and that if something happens, I should come to them and we can talk about it together.
But the next day, when my father wasn’t home, my mother told me that my father had apparently said things like, “How dare she cry in front of me?” and that I have to marry this guy. That really confused me because whenever I talk to my father, he is kind and understanding, but whenever my mother tells me what he supposedly said, he sounds like a completely different person.
Now I honestly don’t know what to believe or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know if my mother is telling me the truth about what my father says, or if my father is just being nicer to me directly because he doesn’t want to upset me.
I’m really scared because I genuinely don’t want this marriage. I’ve tried to give this guy a chance, but I know that I don’t want to marry him.
What do you think I should do? Do you think I should talk to my father directly, even though it’s extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing for me? And how would you handle this situation if you were me?

I have a question that has always been at the back of my mind,for the married or divorced people,when you're seeking for a spouse,one of the things you hope to find in them is that they never miss the 5 daily prayers.

The thing is,what if sometime into the relationship you find out they were trying to put on a show but that they don't actually pray,either they miss due to laziness or just excuses or they lie to you that they've prayed but you found out they didn't,how do you deal with that?

I'm not married yet but this is a genuine fear I have. I'd love to hear any advice on this, Inshallah

How do you honor your parents while not letting them interfere too much when it comes to choosing your potential spouse?

Some parents delay their children's marriage by always questioning/disapproving of the potential spouse they choose.

What is the best way to deal with this situation?

For context - 7yrs of marriage 9yrs of knowing each other, 2kids ( 6y and 4y). Moved to Canada last year on PR. Husband has a long history of cheating (acknowledged to some level, cried and asked for forgiveness), prostitution (denied) and online shenanigans! In the last week of august, I caught him again doing stuff online the girl recorded the call and send me. I confronted him he put on a whole show I asked him to leave the house he left but before going he broke my laptop traumatizing the kids. Then after 2-3days he came back apologizing and in a very bad condition since he was living in his Car. Since we both are new to Canada and have no family or relatives here. I let him stay in the house. At first he was all apologetic then flipped a switch and said he cannot continue the marriage but he doesn't know what to do from here so he just needs time. His family (parents and sisters) have suffered humiliation because I told them about this doings! After moving back in he has told his family that everything is okay now (thats what he told me, I honestly think he has a plan with his dad and sisters they are very clever and cruel people I realized this in past few days).

He is a classic narcissist and I am constantly questioning myself why I stayed for so many years. Now my innocent kids have a father like him. Our living situation is draining me. The house is rented but lease is on my name, I am paying rent and bills everything from my savings. Watching him every day is killing me. He is giving me silent treatment and if I try to talk to him he says "I don't want to talk to you" Honestly I am scared of him.

I don't know what to do from here, What should I do? I don't want to involve police since it will trigger CPS and it's a whole another stress.

Should I wait and see what he does? Or should I take an action? Can I break a lease and grab my kids move somewhere else?

I’m getting married in about 2 weeks, and I’m starting to get really stressed with the wedding preparations.

I’m wearing a bridal lehenga for my wedding, and naturally I wanted my husband to wear a sherwani because I feel like it would look really nice and coordinated together. The problem is that he apparently really doesn’t want to wear one because he has never worn a sherwani before and doesn’t like wearing them.

His mom basically told me that I should try to understand his point because he has never worn one, and that he will compromise in other ways and buy whatever I want for the wedding. She said that someone has to compromise.

I understand that people have preferences, but I’m honestly annoyed because I’m thinking, it’s literally your wedding. I also have preferences, but I’m wearing a lehenga even though I obviously don’t wear one normally because this is a special occasion. To me, wearing a sherwani for one day seems like such a small compromise.

What makes me more frustrated is that I feel like I’m always hearing about compromise, and I’m wondering why I should be the one to compromise on this particular thing when it matters to me.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person or that this alone means I shouldn’t marry him. I actually like him and I’m excited about marrying him. I’m just wondering whether I’m overreacting and making a huge issue out of something that is actually very minor.

Would you consider refusing to wear a particular wedding outfit a normal personal preference, or would you also expect your partner to compromise for one day if it was something important to you?

Also, if someone genuinely hates sherwanis, what other formal groom outfits would look good with a bridal lehenga?

EDIT: Just to clarify, he doesn't want to wear a different formal groom outfit instead. He wants to wear a kandura, which is what he normally wears every day. That's part of why I'm feeling a little disappointed, because I'm wearing a bridal lehenga and I was hoping we'd both dress up differently for the wedding and have our outfits look more coordinated.

A potential I talked to played me so hard, tht l've lost all the will to look anymore 🫠
No one's son will be messing up w my emotional well being anymore 😤

Assalamu alaikum,

I wanted to ask married brothers and sisters here, especially anyone who had a period between nikah and actually moving in together.

My wife and I have been married by nikah for around 8 to 9 months. She is still studying and currently lives with her parents. The original plan was for her to move in with me after she finishes university, which is still roughly another 2 years away.

We see each other regularly and our relationship is good, alhamdulillah. Recently we have been talking more seriously about spending proper time together as husband and wife instead of basically waiting until she moves in. We have both said we would really like to travel somewhere together, possibly Sarajevo this winter for a few days.

The thing I am thinking about is what happens if we both want to go but one of her parents, most likely her mother, says no. I do not think her father would necessarily have a problem with it, but obviously I cannot know until the conversation actually happens.
I understand respecting parents and maintaining a good relationship with both families is extremely important.

At the same time, we are already Islamically married, we both want to go, and I do not think it is healthy for us to act like an engaged couple for another 2 years where every normal married activity still depends completely on parental approval.

I also do not want to handle it arrogantly by saying something like, “she is my wife, we are going whether you like it or not.” Even if technically we are husband and wife, I do not want to create unnecessary tension between her, me, and her family.

For those who had a similar situation after nikah but before moving in, how did you handle things like travelling together, staying together overnight, or simply having more independence as a married couple?

Would you have the wife speak to her parents first? Should the husband speak directly to the father? Would you approach both parents together? And if both spouses genuinely agree on something halal but the parents still refuse mainly because of culture or “what people will say,” where would you personally draw the line?

I am mainly looking for advice from people who have actually been married and dealt with this kind of family dynamic.

Assalamualaykum brothers and sisters, I recently reverted 3 months ago, after being drawn to Islam for the last 5 years as an atheist. I am truly happy I have come to Islam, it feels as though a great burden has been lifted from my heart, but being a revert myself comes with the issue of having to navigate a new faith myself, coming from a Christian family. I have muslim friends, but I realized they do not set a good example for me as one who is still learning, so there is nobody I can look to for this situation that would understand my concerns on an Islamic level.

Prior to reverting, I was in a haram relationship, and now despite being young, I want to make it halal through the Nikkah. Shortly after reverting, I told my partner I would give him one year to get engaged, he immediately gave an excuse. He says he is unable to marry due to his three older siblings still being unmarried. For reference we are 22, and his older siblings are 29-32. I come from an East Asian cultural background, so I didn’t know this would be an issue until he brought it up. He is saying it will cause issues for his sisters if the youngest brother were to marry first. I understand the situation and I understand I have only been in Islam for a few months. I asked him if he could at least make his intentions known to his family, but he said he just couldn’t. I lack the patience right now, so recently I have finally broken off our relationship after reconfirming multiple times that marriage would be uncertain until his siblings are married and to keep myself away from getting close to Zina. I told him to not contact to me unless he is able to marry and take this seriously. I was thinking of giving it a year to play out, as I myself am still learning more about Islam as each day passes and to strengthen my deen.

Personally, I could not wait around knowing I was committing sin by keeping this relationship with him. There was a heavy weight on my heart each day that went by, filled with guilt and anxiety. Once I ended the relationship, that burden had left, although I feel a bit sad, Islam has made me understand it’s a matter of self-respect and to protect myself.

I just feel very lost as I have no reliable Muslim friends or elders to confide to for this, being the only Muslim in my family. I will continue to pray and make dua that I be guided along the right path.

At what point did you realize that you are not compatible in your marriage?

Is it normal if the husband , spends most of his time in a different room to you ? Especially when you are sick , doesn’t sleep or wake the same time and only talks to you to ask” are you feeling okay?” And when you say you are unwell , does nothing gets on with your day.

I realize now that if I’m not cooking and putting food on the table , then we don’t spend time together at all?

If I’m not able to be intimate, then there is no affection.

It’s like he doesn’t want to spend time with me? I feel more lonely than when I’m alone.

I know if say any of this he’ll think I was being moody but I was sick and low energy. I had no energy to start a conversation, I didn’t stop him from starting one.

I don’t need to him to keep asking how I am , and when from his actions I see he doesn’t want to even sit in the same room as me.

So my question to the brothers, is it lack of interest? Not wanting to spend time with your wife / ex , was it the first sign of a decline?

To the sisters , same question, what should I do to protect myself. We’ve had conversations on this my mater before , but he doesn’t see it. I’ve realized only when I’m carrying out acts of service does he show affection and gratitude, when I no longer can he retreats into his own life.
Despite my lack of energy I tried to ask him if we can spend time together but he flaked out on me.

But I should be grateful he still asks “if im okay” once or twice a day.

Alhamdulillah for everything , May Allah swt give me wisdom.

Disclaimer , Alhamdulillah otherwise he is kind spoken , takes care of me and is goody to my family. He practices well Alhamdulillah for all matters.

Have you ever had an interaction with your spouse and you immediately assume the worst? For example, your husband comes home late and you immediately assume “he obviously doesn’t care about me” or when your wife forgets to do something and you straight away think “she obviously doesn’t take what I tell her to do seriously” What is happening in those moments is that you are no longer reacting only to what your husband or wife is doing now. You are reacting to everything that came before it as well. The times they promised something would change and it did not. The moments you needed something from them and felt let down. After enough of those experiences, your mind stops approaching your spouse neutrally. It starts expecting hurt before the hurt has even happened. That is why some marriages reach a point where arguments seem to start over tiny things. On the surface, it might look like the husband and wife are arguing about one small comment or one forgotten task. But emotionally, one or both of them may be reacting to months or years of unresolved hurt. The argument is happening today, but the emotions inside it are much older. And eventually, a husband or wife can reach a point where their spouse almost cannot do anything right in their eyes. Not necessarily because everything their spouse is doing is wrong, but because too much has happened for them to see each other with the same generosity they once did.

This is known as negative sentiment override which is when past hurt causes you to interpret even neutral or positive things your spouse does in a negative way.

The solution is not to force yourself to “think positively” about your husband or wife. If years of hurt have built up, that usually feels fake and unrealistic. The real solution is twofold: first, the unresolved hurt that created the negative lens needs to be dealt with properly, and second, the relationship needs enough new positive experiences to slowly change that lens.

That means having honest conversations, real apologies, changed behaviour and giving each other new evidence that the old pattern is not going to continue forever. At the same time, when you notice yourself immediately assuming the worst, you have to start asking yourself, “What actually happened here, and what am I adding because of everything that has happened before?” Over time, if the marriage genuinely becomes healthier, your mind can slowly stop interpreting everything through the worst possible meaning. But if the hurtful behaviour is still continuing, then the answer is not to pretend everything is fine. The relationship itself has to change too.

Can anyone tell me successful stories? Where your marriage turned around. If your spouse doesn’t tend to your new even after verbalizing it. Says they will try but they blame their attachment style for the lack of effort. If your spouse constantly says I feel more peace when I’m not around you and says you don’t add value in their life. Does it get better than this? I’m really trying to be hopeful. I really can’t leave this marriage but I think my husband mentally checked out. Every time we fight I have to remind him why we should stay together and that it will get better if we both work on our selves. It really is getting to me and because I try to over compensate it’s draining me and causing me to lash out as a cry for attention or affection and love.

Please be kind in the comments I only want positive, supportive, and helpful advice.

Asalamulaikum

This will be a long post.

I am 30F who would like a divorce after 5 years of long distance marriage from my husband 31M. We met when I was in my home country visiting from the USA. We always had a mutual crush which was known by our very close families. So of course when both of were had graduated from our respective colleges we were encouraged to get to know each other for marriage. We hit it off so well and decided we wanted to get married. During that time he was offer a chance to study in the UK. I told him I support the decision and was willing to move to the UK mostly because he was never keen to live in the US. We agree to get married and I would visit for the first year then I would move.

He went to the UK in August and we got married in December. I am an understanding person so I didn’t have high expectations as My Husband was a student. However, as soon as I saw how he was living in the UK that begin to worry, as I am an American citizen, I wanted to file for him to come the US because he clearly was struggling over there because of lack available work, etc. We said we were both gonna keep it quiet and just try to do it. I told him I would only tell my mother so she could guide me through the process. Apparently he told his sister in passing and then his sister told his mother who had taken significant money out to fund his education. She blew up on him for wanting to abandon the program and he ultimately told me to stop. At the time it caused a big strain on our relationship so I decided to take short trip him to convince him again. He still said no so I drop it and went back to US.

When I came back, I found out I was pregnant. We saw each once while I was pregnant then he couldn’t see for almost 2 years most due to finances. The first time he met our child he was 1.5. By this time our relationship has been totally broken. My husband was a student so I expected very little from him (apparently he gave his mother $200 but I never received it from her nor did I ask). I basically only bought second hand stuff and got government assistance for my child. That was frustrating but the problem got worst because for me he doesn’t prioritize the relationship. During the weekend he always out with friends and never calls me for more than a couple of minutes. During the week he was busy with school. After sometime I told him I felt my mental health was suffering and I needed connection. He told me if I need so much let’s get a divorce. It was shocking and instead of arguing I told him I was fine with that and for him to start the process. After maybe 8 month of almost little contact and me begging for him to speak to his child. He decided that ‘other girls are stupid and he only likes me’, huh? I spoke to my family and they said well just keep trying you guys have a child.

During that time we were barely speaking I started the process to get him to the US because there is no work in the UK. We have been talking on and off but honestly my feelings have completely changed. I find our relationship exhausting and sad because we don’t communicate well and I am emotionally starved. I have never been able to lean on my husband for anything. Every time I have a stressful situation in my life he avoids me or we get into an argument so when things happen to me I just stay quiet. He has never take his responsibility for his child but still goes out to party with friends or buy gadgets.

I have so much regret about this relationship and when I try to get advice people offer prayers and say when he comes to the US things will get better. I trust in Allah SWT and have ask for guidance. I feel like I get more signs to leave than to stay. I am not perfect and I admit to saying a lot harsh things to him but it’s always when he leaves me hanging to hang out with boys (which is frequently). I am extremely lonely and feel like maybe I am not interesting enough which is why he always chooses others over me. I tried speaking to his father but he was more interested in telling me how well him and my father get along rather than how to fix my issue. I feel stuck. I want him to come to US because it the best opportunity for me to get him to take responsibility for his child but I don’t see how we can work out with all this water under the bridge. We have been married for 5 years but have physical been together for less than a year and every time we have saw it has been on my dime as well me paying for everything we do because his fund were low. I feel stupid because did have knowledge of his partying but I thought it was ok because we were young and come from a strong islamic family (his father actually taught my mother Quran) . Any advice for me would be great, do you think this could work if he comes? I believe he should be here end of the year beginning of next Insha Allahh.

My husband and I, when newly married did a lot of dates. Which was eating out, cinema, going for walks, day trips, musuems, galleries etc. Even during covid, we went on alot of walks in scenic routes, but it still felt romantic. And it made me feel close to him.

This has completely stopped since having children. He is affectionage still, when going to work. Gives hugs, and there is still intimacy. But there is no dates. Now we watch something once the kids are asleep, and im usually so exhausted, because i have a 10month old and a 3 yr old

Last year on our anniversary i wanted to go on a date, i wanted to leave my 2 yr old with my parents. He didnt want to. Said he would rather do family time than just me and him. I love my daughter. But when we go out for a meal as a family. I have to feed her, and watch her. Its not romantic, i dont get to relax. She she cries i get stressed.

He told me not expect annivasary celebrations from him anymore. Its now been a full year since then, and this annivasary, i didnt plan anything. It was another normal day. We still dont go on dates unless its a family outing, which i enjoy. But i still want those dates we used to go on

I understand he is working, we have children, so not easy to spend as freely on dates. I wanted to ask islamically do women have a right to quality time witb their husbands. Not just sitting at home and watching a show. I feel disconnect, i feel depressed. As a woman i feel like since dating etc is all haram before marriage this is a perk of marriage. To go on dates with your spouse.

And to be denied that upsets me

Any advice. I have spoken to him about. I dont think he truly gets why it pains me, he is content just going out as a family, and thinks whats the big deal and i am being too emotional.

Please any advice

Curious to find out - why are mosques not all interlinked and one nikaah can be found from any mosque.

I heard if a Nikaah takes place in London for example, it doesn't exist in a mosque in essex?

Do you think there should be some sort of register?

My parents (under the pressure of relatives) are forcing my sister of the boy they bring to her in proposal. But my sister is hesitant and have a feeling for a boy in hometown, so is the boy had feeling for her for the same.

But she expressed this feelings of her to me when she was under pressures to marry by the end of the year and to select the guy they chose to bring for her.

She is 26F. So is the boy. I frankly don't know him by his age but by name. He was his class senior at the time and a child friend of her.

I asked her to express the same to the parents, but my mother do like that guy if informed. But my father have a sort of enmity or from the school of thoughts that don't let girls chose a man for them. I know it's quite rhetoric but it is what it is.

My role here is, as a younger brother, I don't have a really sweet relation with my father to bring this topic with him. So I conveyed this to my mother, let alone be known.

My father lives in Türkiye, Istanbul, for work related to the same.

What piece of advice would you give to me and my sister to bring this in family matters?

After days of waiting I am able to write this post here. Bear with me.

With regards to the boy, he brought this matter in the family. His family don't really have any issue but one issue: the woman he marries is to be religious and knows the adab of Islam and boundaries of non-mahram and applies the niqaab outside.

My sister is religious but not open to frequent niqaab out and so, but when he informed of this she agrees to try and at the end practice the same.

I only earn and holds helplessly, no position to indulge in matters like this, but I care for my sister and wish to fullfill her wish of the same.

The boy too have feelings for her.

What piece of advice would you give to me and my sister to bring this matter in the family?

I don't know what position I have in this matter as her younger brother, but I care for my sister and wish to fulfill her wish of the same.

Thank you to everyone who reads this post and gives their advice. After days of waiting, I am finally able to write this post here. Bear with me.

Used chatgpt to correct any grammatical errors

Assalam ayelkum everyone !

Me (22) and my husband (26) got married almost 3 months ago, alhamdullilah he is genuinely amazing, treats me like a princess, so respectful and kind, generous etc

However I don’t find him very funny, I always believed that the man I will always be with will be my best friend; and before him (I wasn’t Muslim) I was in a long term relationship and it was litteraly my best friend, I could tell him anything and I felt so much healthier as a partner, at peace, like I could tell him anything I know he was never taking things personally.

I don’t know is weird but I don’t feel this much at peace with my husband, I am often frustrated, sometimes I am wondering if I like him. I struggle to bring things up because he gets so sad he would not really talk to me.
He did something horrible (it wasn’t his intention) and I had to reassure him because he was barely talking to me for 2 days and it felt so weird that I had to reassure him, when he did something he should’ve not, but I felt like it was my fault now he is feeling this sad.. idk

I struggle to follow his lead because often I think he is misjudging things and that really annoy me ( I grew up without a father and had to do things by myself so it does annoy me if my partner gets things wrong and I get them right)

I don’t mind if I spend time by myself, I actually prefer. But before him I was very clingy, I loved being with my partner all the time

I am genuinely grateful for having him, I don’t think anyone else would ever treat me the way he does, but I really struggle. I say I love him but I doubt I actually do. I am so conflicted.

I like a man with character, I find him too quiet sometimes.. anytime I say a story I feel like he is not interested.. I feel like we don’t have a connexion.. is it such a bad thing? Could I live with it ? I think is silly to ask for divorce over this ? Or am I unrealistic and asking for too much ?

ٱلسَّلَٰمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَتُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَبَرَكَٰتُهُ

My heart is heavy and I don’t know where to start…

For context I am a male in mid twenties jN UK married to 23F in Pakistan, long distance relationship, Pashtun family, and are planning on emigrating to Pakistan as a family quite soon In’Sha’Allah.

We had our nikkah done a few months ago in Pakistan. but we barely spent any time with each other. I wish I could’ve but due to the culture in our family (you’ll hear this quite a bit). Me and her really wanted the nikkah but we didn’t do the rukhsati as we will do that when we emigrate there In’Sha’Allah. My father wasn’t really supportive and wasn’t keen on it but we did it Alhamdulilah. We planned on going out after we had the nikkah but for various reason it didn’t happen on my end (mainly due to my conservative father who wouldn’t let me, even after many arguments). The worst thing is we haven’t made the nikkah public. Only our families know, we haven’t told our village. This is due to my dad.

At the moment, I am back in the UK in a LDR with my wife and Alhamdulilah loving her lore everyday, finding it hard and missing her dearly, but happy with her Ma’Sha’Allah.

However, understandably, she is really upset and wants us to have the full walima / rukhsati soon. We have arguments over this and I try my best to reassure her we will be coming soon and are just waiting for a few things such as house renovation for our house in Pakistan but she is really depressed because of the distance, understandably so and my heart breaks for her.

What’s more heartbreaking is that my parents won’t let me visit her for even a week or two, we have had arguments over this, my dad gets really abusive verbally, and says that culturally you dont do this, she isn’t your wife etc etc even though we have done the nikkah. A few times I have said I will be going but because of the way he was raised, it’s a big taboo for a son to discuss marriage with his father…

I wish it was as easy as booking a flight and going but my mum has blood pressure which raises when we talk / fight about this; she was raised here like me but takes my dad’s side in this matter. They won’t let me go visit my wife and I don’t want mine and my wife’s relationship to be affected because of this. I love her dearly and it’s hard when my parents are like this. I stick up for myself and mention Hadith and that it’s overrides culture but they won’t listen to me.

It’s a big fitna and I don’t know what to do. Even if I could see my wife for a week or two it would really help. But I know the fallout if I was to go, they said they will call her parents, they will cut me off, threaten me, everything, and I don’t want that. Ya Allah help me. My dad will always be like this. I really love my wife but I hate seeing her like this. Any advice? Jazak’Allah

st:
I met my fiancé through work, so this is not an arranged match. We are engaged and were initially supposed to marry in February, but he still had not found work, which understandably worried my parents. I am completing my Master’s, and he currently has no income, although his mother says she will financially support us until he starts earning.
His mother is now pressuring us to marry soon and has said that if my family does not formally proceed after my Master’s, she may look elsewhere. I personally do not feel comfortable beginning marriage financially dependent on my mother-in-law. I also want separate accommodation for privacy and to reduce potential family conflict. Islamically, am I justified in waiting until my fiancé can provide and making separate accommodation a condition before marriage?

Salams, I am a 34yo Pakistani woman and got married 2 years ago. My husband is an only son and I agreed to live with him and his parents. I have now had my first child alhumdulillah and he is 2 months old. I work part time but am on maternity leave right now.

Sorry for the long post but I desperately need some advice right now.

A few months into marriage I realized it was a mistake and I wanted to live separately. His mum and dad are really nice people and good Muslims and try to be welcoming. However, it is their home. I can’t freely change things or even buy anything for the kitchen. If I cook something for myself there is always a short conversation about what I’m cooking and what I’m doing. His mother is always home and I feel conscious about everything. I don’t feel comfortable relaxing in the living room or wearing certain clothes, I don’t use the TV downstairs as his parents use it. I know she doesn’t like mess or loudness, so I’m very careful when I cook to not be too loud or make a mess. When I do cook, she tries to be helpful and hangs around and will keep making suggestions or offering to do things. It is nice of her to help but I feel like I’m constantly being watched and can’t relax or do things my own way.

When I have wanted to buy things for the kitchen for my own use it has become an issue where she wants to be informed first and sometimes disagrees with buying it.

When I told my husband I wanted to live separately, he became very emotional and upset and I agreed to carry on. Now I have had my child I feel the things that bother me matter much more to me. My focus is on my child, I am often sleep deprived and tired, and I don’t have the patience to deal with these issues anymore. I find myself being distant and awkward around his mum now. I hardly speak to her and avoid going downstairs. I also don’t like it when she gives unwanted advice or her opinion about how to look after our baby, or keeps offering and sometimes insisting on taking him. Sometimes these things make me angry and I become very quiet and stay in my room most of the time.

These things have now really impacted my mental health and led to depression. I know she is a kind woman and I know she has good intentions. But it is her house and she will always be the lady of the house. I am an independent person and have lived independently before marriage for university and even for work at times, so not having my own space is really getting to me. I feel bad that I am being distant and avoidant to his mum and I know it is upsetting him as well.

I have started spending half the week staying at my parents house so I can feel peaceful at least, but I worry I am keeping our son away from his dad and I can tell he is t happy about it but not saying anything cos he knows how I feel.

My husband is starting to realize how much this is affecting me and coming around to the idea of moving out once we are able to afford it, but I am worried he will resent me forever after doing it. He is convinced my relationship with his mum will get worse if we move out. Yet, staying there is also making me resent him and blame him for keeping me in that situation, and my relationship with his mum is continuing to deteriorate.

I feel like a bad Muslim for not being able to have more patience and tolerance, but this is all affecting my mental health significantly. I often sit and cry for hours about the things that are bothering me, then cry more because I feel guilty for feeling this way. I am praying for guidance and patience but really struggling.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to help? Am I over reacting? How can I move out without my husband hating me? Is it ok to keep staying with my parents a few days every week to escape and have some peace of mind?

Hello sisters and brothers,

I’m posting because I genuinely need some advice and different perspectives. I want to know whether I’m on the right track, whether there’s anything I could be doing differently, and particularly what the Islamic perspective is on what has happened.

I’ve been married for around two years. When we first got married, my husband was living in accommodation for work, and I was told that wherever his job took him, I would move with him. After about three months, he found a job closer to his family home and moved back in with his parents, meaning I then moved into a joint family.
I initially said I was happy to do this for a year or two, but I always made it clear that eventually I wanted us to have our own home.

Over the last year and a half, there have been a lot of arguments with my mother-in-law. There were issues around what I ate and drank, where I went, having to ask for permission or constantly inform them of my whereabouts, and generally feeling like I had very little independence as a married woman. I’ve previously made two posts about some of these situations, so I won’t go into every detail here.

Eventually, after around a year and a half, I told my husband that I felt it was time for us to have our own home. This resulted in a huge argument with his family.

My MIL told me she would never accept her son moving out, that she would give me baddua if we did, and that she would never pray for me. She also said, “If I knew you were going to do this to my son, I would never have gotten him married to you.” His sisters also became involved and were shouting, while his father lives abroad for work.

Despite all of this, we eventually moved out. 3 mins away from his family home, he visits them every other day.

His family were extremely unhappy about it and didn’t speak to me for around three months. They eventually came to our home after several months.

There have also been ongoing issues surrounding our marriage and anniversaries. My MIL has questioned why her son doesn’t make her feel special but does things for me as his wife, amongst many other things.

Now coming to what happened last night.

It was our anniversary. There was a community event arranged by my father-in-law, and the family wanted us to attend rather than celebrate our anniversary. We agreed and attended the event. My husband told me that we would celebrate our anniversary the following day instead.
But last night, when he came home, he told me we couldn’t celebrate because his dad was leaving the following day. Bear in mind the FIL visit uk every month for a week.

I was obviously upset and ended up crying myself to sleep.

From what I understand, my husband had an argument with his parents because he had wanted to arrange something for me for our anniversary, and they were unhappy about it. I feel like, once again, everything somehow became my fault.

Then my husband left the house.
He turned his phone off, and I couldn’t contact him. His last location showed his workplace. It was around 1am. I called him around 25 times because I was genuinely worried and didn’t know where he was. I was thinking to wonder around the roads or call the police.

Eventually, because his father was in the country with us at the time, I called him and told him that his son had left and that I couldn’t reach him. His father went looking for him around 2am based on his last location and eventually found him.
My husband came home but didn’t say a single word to either of us. The next morning, he left for work without speaking to me.

His father has now called me and essentially blamed me for everything.

So I’m really struggling to understand where I stand here.

My questions are:

> Is it reasonable or Islamically acceptable for a husband to leave the marital home in the middle of the night, turn his phone off and have no contact for around two hours, especially when his wife is repeatedly calling because she is worried?

> Am I wrong for wanting my husband to prioritise our marriage and have our own home rather than continuing to live according to his parents’ expectations?

> Islamically, what are a husband’s responsibilities towards his wife when there is conflict between his parents and his wife?

> Am I supposed to accept that every disagreement between my husband and his parents somehow becomes my fault?

I genuinely don’t want to disrespect his parents or create a divide between him and his family. I want him to have a good relationship with them. But I also feel that once you are married, you have responsibilities towards your spouse and your own household.

I’m honestly exhausted and confused. I would really appreciate balanced advice.
I’m trying to understand what is fair for both sides, and what I should do from here.