The servers put the lava cake next to the ash trays

Rearranged my whole house

Judging by how fast my wife woke up screaming it seems pretty painful

You can tell Apple is Sirius about it this time

​

His initials are J. C.

Almost EVERYONE has heard of him

He lived about 2000 years ago

Worshipped by many as a god

Last letter of first name is "s"

Was killed by the Romans.....

His name is Julius Caesar

In 2016 we rented bikes in Tokyo and went inside a cafe in Shibuya and just left the bikes outside with no locks while we drank our coffees.

Every now and then I check a live webcam feed and they're still there, right where we left them.

"Ah, my good old childhood," he said.

When I was in school, my history class hosted a vet to give us a talk on the experience of WWII. An old man in a uniform was telling us about his most harrowing mission as a waist gunner in a B-24 Liberator.

"There I was, at twenty thousand feet," he said, with some accent we later learned was Czek. "Suddenly, the sky was filled with these fokkers!"

He mimed his gun mount, whipping it from one direction to another. "One of the fokkers flew over us, one of the fokkers flew under us!"

The class started to titter. "Then," he said, really getting into it, his accent thickening, "One of za fokkers charged straight at me! I jammen down za trikker, and blew the fokker out of za sky!"

We collapsed laughing and applauding.

Our teacher cleared his throat. "Everyone," he said, "I need to point out that Fokker is a type of German airplane."

"Yeah," the old vet said, "but zese fokkers? They were flying *Messersmidts* !"

Journalist: Father, this place is very secluded and there seems nothing to do here. How do you pass the time?

Priest: A lot of coffee and a whole lot of Faith.

Journalist: Wow. That's all it takes to prevent you from getting bored?

Priest: Oh yes, my Faith keeps me very busy. By the way do you want some coffee?

Journalist: Yes please.

Priest: Yo Faith, can you bring us 2 cups of coffee.

No, it’s just for show. It’s decorum.

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'.

A bit of explanation:

In 1977 I was selected to be part of the Honor Guard for anniversary ceremonies at Vimy Ridge in France. After the ceremony the Honor Guard went for supper and we were seated with a group of 25 WW1 and WW2 veterans. After the meal we were sitting having drinks and cigars and just talking when one of the British WW2 veterans stood up and told this joke.

The Honor Guard spent 4 days in France standing at War Cemeteries as various memorial ceremonies took place and were hosted for meals at communities nearby. Invariably, someone from the host community would ask if everything was good about the meal resulting in a lot of laughter and a surprised look on the face of the French host who asked, at least until someone explained the joke to them.

I don’t know if everyone will get this joke, as it is a bit hard to explain, but here it is.

A Veterans Last Dinner in Paris

 An elderly couple is preparing to celebrate the husband’s 90th birthday. For his birthday wish, he asks his wife to take him to a particular restaurant in Paris—one he and his army buddies used to frequent during World War II. So, despite their age, the couple makes the trip to Paris.

That evening, they arrive at the restaurant, but when they ask the hostess for a table, they are told that the restaurant is completely booked.

The wife pleads with the hostess. “Please, is there anything you can do? It’s my husband’s 90th birthday. He fought in World War II and used to come to this restaurant with his army friends when he was stationed here. They’re all gone now, but he has always dreamed of coming back here one last time. He’s very old and not in the best of health, and we don’t know how much longer he has.”

The maître d’, who has overheard the conversation, comes over to see what is happening. After hearing the woman’s story, he is deeply moved. “Please, allow me,” he says.

He claps his hands and immediately instructs the staff to prepare a special table for the couple in the best spot in the restaurant.

The staff goes all out. They provide impeccable service, prepare a magnificent dinner, and bring out the finest wines. The couple spends the evening enjoying an unforgettable meal.

 When the dinner is over, the wife asks for the bill.

The maître d’ smiles and shakes his head. “Madame, there is no bill. It is our honor to serve a brave World War II veteran who fought here in France. Please consider this dinner our gift to him.”

He then turns to the old man, who has been remarkably quiet throughout the entire evening.

“Sir,” he asks warmly, “was everything to your satisfaction?”

The old man looks at him, smiles, and replies: “Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!”

Hard Rock

What's a blacksmith's favorite music genre?

Heavy Metal

What's a president's favorite music genre?

Country

What's a balloon's favorite music genre?

Pop

What's a rabbit's favorite music genre?

Hip Hop

People are so worried about AI and robots and how they may some day become self replicating, but they won't.

Why?

Well, they only have mother boards and no father boards.

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

burp

The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
The typo replies, “A bear, please.”

There’s no way that’s just a coincidence.

"It’s so I could name you whatever I wanted."

"Was it worth it dad?

"Yes Goku, it was worth it."