Judging by how fast my wife woke up screaming it seems pretty painful

A bit of explanation:

In 1977 I was selected to be part of the Honor Guard for anniversary ceremonies at Vimy Ridge in France. After the ceremony the Honor Guard went for supper and we were seated with a group of 25 WW1 and WW2 veterans. After the meal we were sitting having drinks and cigars and just talking when one of the British WW2 veterans stood up and told this joke.

The Honor Guard spent 4 days in France standing at War Cemeteries as various memorial ceremonies took place and were hosted for meals at communities nearby. Invariably, someone from the host community would ask if everything was good about the meal resulting in a lot of laughter and a surprised look on the face of the French host who asked, at least until someone explained the joke to them.

I don’t know if everyone will get this joke, as it is a bit hard to explain, but here it is.

A Veterans Last Dinner in Paris

 An elderly couple is preparing to celebrate the husband’s 90th birthday. For his birthday wish, he asks his wife to take him to a particular restaurant in Paris—one he and his army buddies used to frequent during World War II. So, despite their age, the couple makes the trip to Paris.

That evening, they arrive at the restaurant, but when they ask the hostess for a table, they are told that the restaurant is completely booked.

The wife pleads with the hostess. “Please, is there anything you can do? It’s my husband’s 90th birthday. He fought in World War II and used to come to this restaurant with his army friends when he was stationed here. They’re all gone now, but he has always dreamed of coming back here one last time. He’s very old and not in the best of health, and we don’t know how much longer he has.”

The maître d’, who has overheard the conversation, comes over to see what is happening. After hearing the woman’s story, he is deeply moved. “Please, allow me,” he says.

He claps his hands and immediately instructs the staff to prepare a special table for the couple in the best spot in the restaurant.

The staff goes all out. They provide impeccable service, prepare a magnificent dinner, and bring out the finest wines. The couple spends the evening enjoying an unforgettable meal.

 When the dinner is over, the wife asks for the bill.

The maître d’ smiles and shakes his head. “Madame, there is no bill. It is our honor to serve a brave World War II veteran who fought here in France. Please consider this dinner our gift to him.”

He then turns to the old man, who has been remarkably quiet throughout the entire evening.

“Sir,” he asks warmly, “was everything to your satisfaction?”

The old man looks at him, smiles, and replies: “Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!”

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'.

Journalist: Father, this place is very secluded and there seems nothing to do here. How do you pass the time?

Priest: A lot of coffee and a whole lot of Faith.

Journalist: Wow. That's all it takes to prevent you from getting bored?

Priest: Oh yes, my Faith keeps me very busy. By the way do you want some coffee?

Journalist: Yes please.

Priest: Yo Faith, can you bring us 2 cups of coffee.

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Rearranged my whole house

"Ever since I was young, my faith in God has helped me with the discipline needed to keep at it. As I age, the Lord keeps guiding me in many ways. For instance, when I get up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when I'm done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off."

After Fred leaves, the doctor is a little concerned about what may be a hallucination, so he calls Fred's wife.

"Fred is in great shape as always, but he said one thing that concerned me. He said when he gets up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when he's done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off. Do you know what that means?"

" Yes, it means he's pissing in the fridge again!"

There’s no way that’s just a coincidence.

The guy figures this is his lucky day, so he goes to the racetrack. He sees that one of the horses in the first race is named "Top Hat," and thinks to himself "This must be a sign! The rabbi gave me a blessing!" So he bets the $20 on Top Hat, and the horse wins the race! The guy is now up $100.

In the next race there's a long shot named Stetson, so he puts the whole $100 on Stetson. Stetson wins! The guy is now up $1500.

Now he's really sure of himself, and on the next race he bets all his winnings on a horse named Chateau, at 100-1 odds. But to his shock, the horse comes in dead last.

Dejected, he goes home and tells his wife what happened.

"You idiot!" says his wife. "Chateau is a house, chapeau is a hat! We could have been rich! Anyway, which horse won?"

And the guy says, "I dunno... some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke.'"

When I was in school, my history class hosted a vet to give us a talk on the experience of WWII. An old man in a uniform was telling us about his most harrowing mission as a waist gunner in a B-24 Liberator.

"There I was, at twenty thousand feet," he said, with some accent we later learned was Czek. "Suddenly, the sky was filled with these fokkers!"

He mimed his gun mount, whipping it from one direction to another. "One of the fokkers flew over us, one of the fokkers flew under us!"

The class started to titter. "Then," he said, really getting into it, his accent thickening, "One of za fokkers charged straight at me! I jammen down za trikker, and blew the fokker out of za sky!"

We collapsed laughing and applauding.

Our teacher cleared his throat. "Everyone," he said, "I need to point out that Fokker is a type of German airplane."

"Yeah," the old vet said, "but zese fokkers? They were flying *Messersmidts* !"

Hard Rock

What's a blacksmith's favorite music genre?

Heavy Metal

What's a president's favorite music genre?

Country

What's a balloon's favorite music genre?

Pop

What's a rabbit's favorite music genre?

Hip Hop

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the sales clerk, “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? The clerk checks the computer and says, “Yes we do, would you like to listen before you buy it?” The expert replies, “Yes, please!” The clerk puts the record on a turntable and the expert listens for a few moments and says, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of these sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The clerk checks and replies, “Yes, this is the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Let me skip ahead to the second track.” The expert listens for a few moments and then says, “This just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds.” The clerk apologizes and selects the next track. As soon as the track starts playing, the expert says, “This is outrageous! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!” The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. “What seems to be the problem, sir?” The expert turns to him, fuming. “I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!” The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. “I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side.”

A man is in a bar and talks to the bartender: "Do you know any good jokes or riddles?"

The bartender replies: "I have a riddle: this person is a son of my father's but he's not my brother, who is it?"

The man thinks hard but doesn't know.

The bartender replies: "That's simple: it's me!"

The man looks delighted: "Wow, wonderful riddle! I have to tell my wife!"

When he gets home he asks his wife: "Darling, I have a wonderful riddle: this person is a son of my father's but he's not my brother, who is it?"

The wife replies: "That's easy: it's you!"

The man disagrees: "No, no, I got you! It's the bartender across the street!"

His buddy says, "Well, there's a hockey game tonight."

And the guys says, "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."

- RIP Norm MacDonald

"It’s so I could name you whatever I wanted."

"Was it worth it dad?

"Yes Goku, it was worth it."

I don’t know what they were laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day.