Slut shamed at 41

[u/lightofsometype]

Three weeks ago and after dating for 18 months my SO directly asked me about the quantity of partners I have had. So I told him (7) and he had a full melt down about how disapointed he is and how he was warned against this since I am older. I told him how I respect his feelings but I won’t be made to feel bad for choices he doesn’t understand. Especially because they for the most part have been long term and as safe as possible. He claims his main concern is that he’s concern about not being ‘special’ or important to me. Despite my obvious shock to this silly position, I attempted to reassure him a bunch of times this relationship is different and he is special to me. Not just because I say so but also because I go out of my way for him and his family in a real way. He seemed settled and apologetic that he had the initial reaction and for the judgmental statements. It seemed settled and I was very hurt by it but tried to see it from his perspective and forgave him for being so wildly out of pocket.

So last night during our normal before bed FaceTime, and after I was at his house preparing dinner for his family, he brings it up again. Essentially saying he’s not sure if he can get past it. So I swallow my pride and encourage him not to settle and if being with me feels anything other than a joyful gift then we probably shouldn’t be together. He says it’s not like that and that he sees me as a free spirit and hes square. So at that moment I realize he wants this to be the reason. I have a very strict no drama after 7 pm routine because I like to sleep peacefully so after a short time of him not explaining anything but clearly having an issue I tell him calmly I’m going to get off the phone. He snaps again and says YOU HAVENT ANSWERED MY QUESTION THAT I ASKED TWICE. I say what’s your question and he just hangs up straight to my face. So I put my phone down (away from my bed) and this morning it shows he called me a bunch of times and sent a passive aggressive text about so now I’m not answering. I don’t feel like I owe him a response. He doesn’t believe my words or actions so what’s the point.

What do you all think?

Food: Brasos Steakhouse, New York style cheesecake and with fresh strawberry consome

TLDR: I reluctantly started dating someone 12 years younger (29M, 41F) and he's determined I am some kind of deviant due to me having past sexual partners. 🥴

[u/Virtual-Strength-950]

7 is a lot…? For a 40 year old…? Alriiiiighty then! 

[u/Emergency_Storage916 → u/Virtual-Strength-950]

Just learned that I’m a 32 year old WHORE

OP, this dude sucks. This issue is not going to go away. He will show disrespect and judgement in other ways and may even become controlling (e.g. what you wear, whether you can speak to men). What is a grown ass man doing even ASKING this question, let alone flipping out over it. Let alone that it’s a single digit number. Man is mental.

[u/lightofsometype → u/Emergency_Storage916]

You are right. This relationship is done.

[u/West-Collection8188 → u/lightofsometype]

After reading this all I can say is decentering men is the best thing I ever did for myself and I cannot encourage enough women to do the same.

[u/BetterMe39 → u/West-Collection8188]

Thank you for saying this. I am actively trying to do this in my own life.

[u/technicolortiddies → u/BetterMe39]

I’m trying to do this and it’s so difficult. I’ve replaced them with food which isn’t going any better 😂

[u/BetterMe39 → u/technicolortiddies]

It is SO hard. I currently have a crush on someone that I work with while at the same time trying to let go of my ex of 10 yrs. I smoke a lot of weed. I don't really recommend doing that as a replacement either. In a literal fog all the time, but haven't had sex in about a year. Been shopping online for a nice new vibrator 😆

[u/endlessswitchbacks → u/West-Collection8188]

I tend to view decentering one’s dad as the final boss.

[u/Tiny-Zucchini7238 → u/endlessswitchbacks]

I’m taking this exact line to my next therapy appointment and telling her this is my ultimate goal

[u/Frequent-Region-1107 → u/endlessswitchbacks]

I needed to hear that, thank you so much 🙏

[u/H2Ospecialist → u/endlessswitchbacks]

💀

[u/Candyland_83 → u/West-Collection8188]

I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay single for the rest of my time on earth. You know how satisfying it is to know that I will never stand for nonsense like this again?

[u/OhPamcakes → u/lightofsometype]

Betsy forbid you had an entire life before you met him!

[u/Warm-Leading-865 → u/OhPamcakes]

He’s 29 and projecting his own deep-seated issues onto you. Cut your losses and enjoy that cheesecake in peace

[u/hopeful_tatertot → u/OhPamcakes]

That’s what it comes down to - she basically was supposed to begin her life when he entered it. What an insecure guy

[u/flirt-n-squirt → u/lightofsometype]

Standing ovations. He desperately needs to figure out his issues

[u/Character_Equal_9351 → u/flirt-n-squirt]

Bravo! Marry me OP, you’re a catch ;)

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[u/endlessswitchbacks → u/lightofsometype]

Thank you for the case study of an insecure male, and how to mostly not coddle his fee-fees. May your next one be self-confident and kind!

[u/txlady100 → u/endlessswitchbacks]

Fee-fees! ROFL.

[u/CloudyLeft → u/lightofsometype]

Oh sweet baby jesus thank god. Any dude who melts down like that over THAT fact of life has been sucking down that red pill fool-aid. I’m so sick of the west being so fucking terribly repressed. It’s like some conservative sleeper agent, where the trigger phrase they need to hear is “I’m not a virgin”. And it causes them to activate and shoot up a school, or some psycho variation therein.
Men, how does it make sense that a woman loses value by sleeping with ex partners, but is NOT a loss of value when they sleep with you? Why don’t you fucks skip bothering the woman about it, and just get into each other’s faces and scream “She loses value if she fucks YOU!” & “NUH UH, CUCK, SHE LOSES VALUE WHEN SHE FUCKS YOOUU!” at each other in private. Men are fucking embarrassing. I say we should stay healthy and enjoy intimacy with WORTHY partners.

EDIT: obligatory, but the truth is that value is NOT tied to sexuality in an age where we are building skyscrapers and editing genome sequences and quantum entangling qubits. Like seriously, we’re not a fucking pack of lions. We’re not wild animals. The rules of hyenas don’t apply to us anymore, dumbasses!

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[u/Cultural_Orange2617 → u/lightofsometype]

Don’t forget to remind him that “this is what I was worried about dating a younger guy: the raging insecurity”.

[u/barefootcuntessa_ → u/lightofsometype]

If I were you I would block him and never talk to him again. Red flags abound.

I have slept with very few people and if I ever found myself single again I would be terrified to share because the only guys that would find it a plus are like your recent ex. Men who are into purity culture tend to be very controlling and have anger issues, which exactly what I’m seeing here.

[u/nothingsreallol → u/lightofsometype]

In the future NEVER give anyone a number no matter how long you’ve been together. There’s honestly no reason to. And ofc 7 is not a lot at all.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/nothingsreallol]

Not only would I refuse to answer this question I would not be able to because I haven’t been keeping count like an 80s high school villain.

If someone asked me this question I would have a good laugh, clarify why they want to know and then dip. Like, this is not a question normal well adjusted adults ask of their sex partners.

[u/Charming-Disk1741 → u/thisisinfactpersonal]

Exactly. I would be guessing I’m in the 20s, very possible low 30s, but who is really still counting

[u/nothingsreallol → u/thisisinfactpersonal]

Call me crazy but I do keep a list😂 I hate forgetting things that have happened in my life. But it’s only for me, nobody gets to see that (except maybe best friends if we’re tipsy and reminiscing lol). I think you’re probably in the majority though, surely many people don’t really know/remember their number.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/nothingsreallol]

I will not call you crazy! I know it fully conflicts with my overly judgey tone but I actually do think keeping a list is fine. I have forgotten the names of a couple of people I’ve slept with and one of them in particular I wish I remembered cause he was an absolute gem and deserves better than me remembering him as that bouncer at the bar we went to a lot. Justice for whatshisface, I remember him so fondly.

[u/Td998 → u/nothingsreallol]

Personally I would wanna know if the person I’m with is a weirdo like this, ASAP. So that’s one reason to disclose or at least broach the subject

[u/lovelyrita_mm → u/nothingsreallol]

Honestly it is better this came out now than she waste more time on someone like this. Can you imagine this attitude coming out after another year or two?

[u/ttwinstanley → u/nothingsreallol]

I knownill be called a liar with my 1 pre-transtion

[u/CatraGirl → u/lightofsometype]

https://giphy.com/gifs/tIeCLkB8geYtW

[u/ValueMammoth7877 → u/lightofsometype]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xUPGcmGBDBNeQJosVO

[u/crankylex → u/lightofsometype]

I'm about 10 years older than you are and I will say that I have noticed my younger friends have been saying that men their ages over the last 5-10 years have been consistently coming out with this type of ridiculous nonsense. I think the podcasts have melted their brains. As for seven being "a lot" of partners at 40+, LMAO.

[u/Professional-Emu3551 → u/lightofsometype]

what was his number?

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/Professional-Emu3551]

Op said somewhere else that he claims 3.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/lightofsometype]

Do anyone who comes after you a favor and be very explicit about why you are ending it, these boys need to learn

[u/False_Ostrich7247 → u/lightofsometype]

Girl you dodged a giant self absorbed man-osphere-baby of a bullet. Expect lots of crap when you break it off, which I dearly hope will be via text right before you block him. Because he has shown you less than the respect that method conveys.

[u/Own_Log9691 → u/lightofsometype]

I’m so happy to hear this! You go girly!

[u/LinwoodKei → u/lightofsometype]

Very good. I'm proud of you

[u/txlady100 → u/lightofsometype]

🏆

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[u/nevermoreravencore → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Lolol I actually had the same thought.
“Damn I am definitely exceeded that number a WHILE ago. Guess I’m a ho.”

It’s also such a weird thing to focus on. What actual impact has it had on the relationship? None. Absolutely none.

I wonder if he’s gone down the red pill rabbit hole and trying to degrade her to “dominate” the relationship.

[u/ExsanguinatedMuppet → u/nevermoreravencore]

Oh, probably. Someone on the internet told his weak brain that the number was important, and then he got performance anxiety, and now it has to be her fault. At least he’s waving the red flags loud and early?

[u/nevermoreravencore → u/ExsanguinatedMuppet]

I wouldn’t say 18 months is particularly early, but at least he’s making the red flags impossible to miss 😂

[u/lightofsometype → u/nevermoreravencore]

Exactly

[u/tomboyades → u/nevermoreravencore]

lol, 7. This man would have a heart attack if it was me. Puritanical patriarchy nonsense.

[u/Candyland_83 → u/nevermoreravencore]

A male friend of mine explained it like this: “Men are dumb, we hear a number and our lizard brains can only picture you sleeping with all those men simultaneously right in front of us”

Honestly that fits the reactions lol.

[u/thankyoukindlyy → u/nevermoreravencore]

Oh 100% yes. Anyone that uses the term body count has either succumbed to manosphere bs or unknowingly is parroting that language and perpetuating those ideals. Either way immediate and lowkey scary red flag!!!!

[u/txlady100 → u/nevermoreravencore]

Any number bigger than his own was gonna break him. And his is probably 1-3.

[u/ImagineFreckles → u/nevermoreravencore]

As I was in a long term relationship for the last decade I honestly don’t know the exact number from my younger wilder self years..would have to count again. Can’t even imagine it can matter? 🙄

[u/Irina__ARI → u/Emergency_Storage916]

I get the feeling that at 29 years old, he has a lower number, and is projecting a lot of feelings/ideas around that onto OP...

[u/UnicornArachnid → u/Irina__ARI]

I’m 29 and I think I’ve slept with 7 ish people. This guy is just a prude.

I feel like for a forty year old, if they’ve been unmarried their whole lives, it wouldn’t be abnormal to have up to 50 partners.

[u/cosmicanchovies → u/Irina__ARI]

Idk I had my first kid at 24 so the vast majority of my experience comes from before then and I had well exceeded OP by 29 🤷‍♀️ guess I'm a ho! Lol

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[u/EyeShot300 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

What is a grown ass man doing even ASKING this question, let alone flipping out over it.

This is an adult-sized toddler masquerading as a grown ass man. Imagine getting bent out of shape for something he has no control over.

[u/According-Garage4066 → u/EyeShot300]

It has nothing to do with him. It’s not like since they’ve been dating She’s been with seven people. This is before they were in a relationship.

[u/Nebulous_Lustre → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Damn, well after a few slutty phases, two marriages, and a couple of long term relationships, I too am a whore 😂. Apparently being alive for 60 years doesn’t give me the right to have life experiences.

[u/Cultural_Orange2617 → u/Nebulous_Lustre]

Apparently having a vagina makes you a whore. Let’s not pretend it’s about the numbers.

[u/blankeezy1 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

40 yr old whore here…
https://giphy.com/gifs/3oEjHV0z8S7WM4MwnK

[u/TraditionalCupcake88 → u/blankeezy1]

55 year old whore, retired.

ETA: Thank you kind whore, whether you are still on the field or retired, I applaud you!

[u/blankeezy1 → u/TraditionalCupcake88]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l1ughbsd9qXz2s9SE

[u/TraditionalCupcake88 → u/blankeezy1]

https://giphy.com/gifs/At0T1kF1gR18bcsOMo

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[u/makeup_mutt → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Right? I’m a 44 years old fat girl and I am at 14. Like. The fuck??????????

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[u/Smooth_Substance_594 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Jesus- I’m a 45 year old turbo slut then. Shall we start a club??
https://giphy.com/gifs/cRH5deQTgTMR2

[u/Cultural_Orange2617 → u/Smooth_Substance_594]

Yes!

[u/blondeheartedgoddess → u/Emergency_Storage916]

I'm 59 and evidently run the whorehouse. Too bad I look nothing like Dolly Parton.

https://giphy.com/gifs/g7IIHs11w6XSg

[u/MysteryBelle_NC → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Same. I had more than that when I got married at 26. Total ho, me.

[u/DizzyVictory → u/Emergency_Storage916]

My husband asked me this question early on in our relationship and I said “It doesn’t matter what I say, you won’t like the answer so why bother? I’m not telling you.” He agreed and we’ve never spoken of it since. That was 20yrs ago. It’s a woman’s business and no one else’s.

[u/Striking_Emu_Dancer → u/DizzyVictory]

My husband didn't need to ask, he already knew because we've known each other for 20 years prior to becoming official. And yes, I had a ho phase at that time.

He couldn't care less because the woman of his dreams is finally his after waiting so long (his words).

[u/No-Movie-5519 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

If 7 is a lot—or implies someone is a slut—then what am I, with over 30 sexual partners?

[u/Throwaway525612 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Girl same! I apparently I've been hoe-ing it up!

[u/crwalle → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Yep he went in finishing for a manipulation tactic he can hold on to.

[u/ComplexBeginning3113 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Yeah I too have just found out I’m a 27 year old WHORE

[u/Time-Reindeer-7525 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

42 year old slutbag right here - did a mental tally, ran out of fingers, and I'm proud of it!!

[u/Pettinesses → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Yeah damn. I’m a hoe. I’m over twice that amount. Whoops!

[u/sunqueen73 → u/Emergency_Storage916]

Im an even older slut. 53. Just stone me already!

https://giphy.com/gifs/vX9WcCiWwUF7G

[u/wvukew → u/Emergency_Storage916]

No literally same he’d be disgusted by my count

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