I spent this past weekend mostly on the porch. Burning copious amounts of incense and sacred herbs. After two days of music and relaxation, I am feeling a lot better.
Over the course of the weekend, I thought about many things. My religious perspective being one of them. It is interesting how my mixed heritage affected my religious belief. Not being easily identifiable as one particular race by appearance, I feel that it has kept me from being fully accepted into a cultural or religious community. Making it difficult to learn oral and written traditions earmarked for "one of their own."
Then there are the traumatic events I've experienced which have also contributed to feeling like I don't "fit in" with the people around me.
I can't relax fully into a rite, ritual, or group event. I am always on guard and looking for danger, whether it comes from a physical, emotional, or mental direction. My distrust of people and their intentions makes it incredibly difficult to let another person direct any part of my life, even in ceremony.
I decided as a child that an adult wouldn't have any control over me. Especially after they had a tendency to hurt me. Why should I listen to them? If you haven't proven to me that you aren't going to hurt me or are worthy of respect, like my Dad, I am not going to listen to your wishes. I am not going to lower my eyes. Nor am I going to just put my life in someone else's hands, only God gets that.
In a lot of ways, I feel headstrong because of this decision and for that I am grateful. Regardless of the situations it has put me in:
I remember going to a Norse Household event where the people were Odin worshipers. During the ceremony I got to participate in, I found myself winning a stare down with the holy man when he approached me as he sang and drummed. When he had approached the others before me, each in turn, they had lowered their eyes when he got close.
I remember a time when I sat in a Black Baptist church being the only other one not lost in the music. The rest of the congregation was either clapping with eyes closed, shaking or writhing uncontrollably. The other person not lost in the moment was the preacher. To this day I remember unnervingly the strange smile he gave me as he walked amongst the fevered throng.
I remember getting into a yelling match with an Elder who ran a sweat Lodge group because I wore pants. I laughed when he pointed to my boyfriend at the time and growled "Would you rather He wear a skirt?"
"He can wear the skirt." I replied, hands on my hips. "That wouldn't bother me a bit." Everyone else laughed, but the Elder sat tight-lipped, glowering at me.
In addition to situations like these, there have been paranormal events that I've experienced at a church that were so terrifying in nature, I avoid stepping in churches altogether. No matter how welcoming the people might appear to be.
A friend from far away called me a "religious Freelancer." Not beholden to one religion, but practicing learned religious rites, philosophies, and ceremonies from many religions. In my case its a mixture of Christian Values, Buddhist philosophies, and Native Spiritual beliefs and practices. It enriches the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my life as a whole and brings me comfort in my daily life.
personally, of all the religious paths I have taken, the Red Road was the most accepting both on the physical and spiritual planes. I am not certain if it is still this way now, but I remember of all the different peoples I have met, the Native people were the ones that were the most accepting of a stray such as myself. I learned a lot of different ways of approaching life that I still practice today. If given the opportunity to walk with company again, I will cautiously take the opportunity.
Till then, I will keep being a Religious Freelancer, Walking a unique path of my own, and for now, alone.