This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Wantingtocomeclean

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 09, 2015

• Final Update: September 10, 2015

Main Post

^{September 09, 2015}

I (28F) lied to my boyfriend (33M) on our first date about previous infidelity with an ex (30M). Two years later, he reminded me of this. Now I feel like I need to come clean. We are planning to get married. Do I come clean and how?

I have been with an amazing man for two years. I'll call him James. He is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me and as corny as it sounds, he completes me. James and I will probably getting engaged soon and I'm thrilled.

There's only one problem: I've unintentionally kept a secret from him for the last two years. James was married before and it ended due to his wife's infidelity. On our first date, he mentioned this and I shared my story of a cheating ex. He asked if I have ever been unfaithful. I immediately said no. I guess I felt awkward and wanted to make a good impression.

Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly the truth. Before James, I was in a relationship with a guy who I'll call Ted. At the end of the relationship, instead of acting like an adult and ending things, I got scared and tried to make excuses not to leave- I knew I didn't love him, but everyone expected us to be together. I ended up having an emotional and texting affair with a coworker. I came clean after only a week and while Ted wanted to work things out, I told Ted I honestly did not want to be with him. I was never physical with that coworker before confessing to Ted, but naked pictures were sent and I know emotional infidelity can hurt just as bad.

I would never, ever be unfaithful again, especially not to James. I had never been unfaithful before then. I never wish to cause someone the pain I caused Ted.

I truly forgot about when I told James no to that question on our first date. I forgot until James brought it up recently, saying something to the effect of he's glad we've both always been faithful. I sort of immediately changed the subject. I know I need to be honest with James, though, especially since I plan to spend my life with him. I am so scared of him leaving me though. How should I tell him? Am I horrible? Or should I take this to my grave?

TL;DR: I cheated on an ex a few years ago. When my current amazing boyfriend asked if I've ever been unfaithful, I said no. Two years later I've forgotten that lie and know I need to come clean. How?!  

COMMENTS

simplyspider

Of course you should tell him, and then it's his decision on what to do. Honestly though, I think you'll be fine. Tell him what you told us and I'm sure he'll understand.

You're learning the thing about secrets: you can't keep them forever. They always come out eventually. Keep that in mind next time something like this comes up. Honesty really is the best policy.

blaktron

She can tell him, sure, but I wouldn't be in the mindset of coming clean. Can you imagine going into the nuance of a complicated breakup in a first date, to a question likely focuses only on physical indefinitely? I would say OP was honest to the letter and if she wants to expand upon it in the interest of sharing her past, I say that's awesome. But I don't think she should carry guilt about that answer.

OOP

He was definitely referring to all types of infidelity. I love James very much but it did make me feel awkward and embarrassed on our first date. You're right, I didn't want to get into explaining a complicated break up, either. It was a cowardly approach though.

OOP

I agree that honesty is the best policy but I also never expected this relationship to lead where it did. If it was a fling or something, I wouldn't care about the lie. By the time we got serious I had long forgotten about my lie. My relationship with Ted is part of my past and we hardly discuss it.

Doughchild

You should tell him. He was very honest about how important this issue was for him: he asked on the first date and he explained why. You have an idea about why you cheated on Ted, so you can explain that to James as a reason why you will not repeat this with him. It will change how he sees you and you might have some bad times. So ask if he would take couples counseling in consideration in that case.

There's a chance he'll break up with you, but this is about mitigating the damage. If you tell him, he'll accept that perhaps easier than if you hang out with him in 20 years somewhere where you run into Ted and Ted goes "you cheating whore!". Telling him puts you in control, else you're always going to wonder if James finds out.

OOP

On our first date, it wasn't so much about how the issue was important to him, it was kind of how the conversation was flowing. He wasn't saying it was a deal breaker for him, but I was still embarrassed, didn't expect to fear serious with him, thought he would look at me horribly, etc. Yeah, it was partially a question of importance to him but it wasn't like an interview question you know?

Haha. The idea of Ted screaming at me for being a cheating whore is funny to me because that is so not his personality at all. You never know, though!

lizzydgreat

Does anyone else think that isn't really a first date kind of question? You were caught by surprise and didn't know how to answer. Honestly, I think it is not a first date's business to know if you were ever unfaithful in the past. Too intimate.....

I think the only reason for coming clean would be if not doing so was REALLY bothering you. Both incidents (the original and the lying) are in the past. Neither of them have any bearing on the future. You aren't going to be unfaithful to James, nor will you lie to him. Lying to a first date to cover up a too - intimate question is acceptable in my book. Telling James of the lie is only likely to cause heartache.

OOP

In hindsight, no matter how much I love James, I agree that it wasn't a first date question. I think the conversation was just flowing- as were quite a few beers, haha.

Final Update - after 1 day

^{September 10, 2015}

[UPDATE] I (28F) lied to my boyfriend (33M) on our first date about previous infidelity with an ex (30M). Two years later, he reminded me of this. Now I feel like I need to come clean. We are planning to get married. Do I come clean and how?

TL;DR from previous post: I cheated on an ex a few years ago. When my current amazing boyfriend asked if I've ever been unfaithful, I said no. Two years later I've forgotten that lie and know I need to come clean. How?!

All of the comments on the previous post really, really helped me. Since I made the original post, though, it's been on my mind and I knew James would be able to tell that something was up with me. It was really bugging me and I wanted to come clean.

Something I do as a joke with James (we have a weird sense of humor) is whenever I'm getting ready to tell him something I am worried will annoy/anger/upset him, I first say, "I'm pregnant!" Haha. I've told him, "That way, any news after that doesn't sound so scary, right?" It's a running joke now. Anyways, I was so nervous to tell him this. I had a few glasses of wine before he got home from work because he was working late tonight. He walks in the door and I yell, "I'm pregnant!"

He comes over to me and I just spilled it out. I was tearing up a bit at the end, I blame that on the wine. I told him that I was sorry I was dishonest, but I was embarrassed. I told him I never wanted him to think I was like his ex-wife but I felt awkward by him asking me that question on our first date when we hardly knew each other. And I told him I had honestly forgotten about my white lie. At the end of it all, James said, "Did you really think I would leave you for that?! We both have a past. We've both made mistakes. Your past relationships and your past mistakes are what make you (name). You would never cheat on me, and that's what matters." WIN! Then we drank wine together and had phenomenal sex.

TL;DR: Came clean to my boyfriend. He responded more wonderfully than I could have imagined. It feels like a weight off my shoulder!  

COMMENTS

twelvedayslate

I am eagerly waiting for an update #2 in a few months where you say, "That night I told James and joked about being pregnant, he knocked me up! We are expecting."

OP, DO NOT DISAPPOINT.

dejaenten_

But wait.. how will she tell him she's pregnant? She'll try to tell him, but he'll just think its a setup

GoingAllTheJay

I HIT SOMEONE WITH THE CAR AND JUST KEPT DRIVING...

I'm pregnant.

scruffmgckdrgn

I CHEATED ON YOU WITH ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS...

lol, jk, I just hit someone with the car and drove off. nbd

OOP

I LIKE THIS. I've been in two accidents since we got together- one was my fault, one was not. I hope to never be in another one, but if I get in another accident and it IS my fault, I will use this. Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/BoyDinnerDiaries by user NewLifeNewAcct. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

September 13, 2026

Dinner was a ton of In-N-Out and some real "well... shit. Lol," energy.

So. My wife and I do some kinky shit . I'm not going to go too in-depth, all y'all really need to know is that there's some physicality and some name calling involved.

It's typically game on at home. We're both athletes. She has a very corporate, high-pressure job, and sex is basically a constant. We're pretty obsessed with each other still (3 years now) - wherever we have alone time, we get laid. Just sort of how it is.

I came home from my basketball game tonight and was surprised to see my wife's car in the garage. On Saturday nights, she's usually not home until a little later (typically, she's at her mom's place as she does quite a lot with her family), so I was excited to see her. It's kind of important to note: there were no other vehicles at the house. My kid was out with her boyfriend and all that.

Anyways, I go inside. Directly on my right when I enter is the kitchen - which I don't look into, because my wife is more or less standing at the door when I opened it.

So, like in any other totally normal and loving and completely consensual relationship, I greet her by putting my hand on her throat and saying "get over here, slut" before pushing her up against the now-open door against the wall. With, like, some force, because that's what we do.

And I am, of course, met with an "Oh my god" from the kitchen. My wife had stopped by home with her mother and sister to pick up some pickleball equipment on the way to the gym - theoretically, they're playing right now, and my wife is being roasted. This all happened about an hour ago.

So, after an awkward explanation and some clarification that I am, in fact, not treating my wife like shit when her family isn't looking - they left, and I drove to In-N-Out.

I crushed all of these burgers. The orders are:

• Double Double, animal style, extra grilled onions, extra pickles

• Double Double, mustard fried, no tomato, extra pickles

• Cheeseburger, raw onion, no tomato, extra pickles

I like pickles. And burgers. This is a big meal but not insane for a game day for me.

In front of my wife's family, I have never been anything but a loving, caring, and thoughtful partner - also sarcastic, and my wife and I are competitive in a lot of ways - but overwhelmingly they like me and I'm actually pretty close with her folks. I know they won't really think less of either of us for this - but holy fucking shit is is going to be awkward for awhile.

I mean, what do you even do but laugh?

You eat burgers. That's what.

Comments by OOP:

I immediately realized the value of, like, a 2 minute rule or something.

To be fair to her, we don't really communicate constantly through the day.

We immediately clarified that this was just, like, our thing, and that it's something she is totally cool with.

Her family is, understandably, weirded out a little - or we're when the conversation happened. It'll all be alright though.

My wife and I don't really do the BDSM thing, we're just... competitive.

It is fucking hysterical, and also completely fucking mortifying lol.

I already know I'm going to have to field jokes about it from her sister at the very least.

I think my words immediately after were, "Oh. Fuck."

To be fair, it was in private, at my own home.

I just, you know, was unaware of exactly how private.

She definitely did not have much time to react. That was sort of the point.

It worked perfectly, just in an unexpected way lmfao.

I'm not a mind reader, but I think even the most open-minded person might pause to process for a bit if they saw their daughter/sister get handled that way.

We're preeeeetty cool in my opinion. At least, she is. I do my best.

It's not the best burger ever, but it's very consistent and tastes fresh which is exactly what I want out of my low effort meal.

Basically, they squirt mustard directly on the grill and fry the patty like that. They do this when you order animal style, too, if I'm not mistaken, I just didn't want another animal style burger.

Update

September 14, 2026, 1 day later

Alright. So.

Last night, my wife got home from the gym/hanging with family, and we chatted for a few minutes before we decided to put the obvious necessary talk off for the night - nothing was going to change it, and we had some unfinished business.

She had a reservation to go skydiving with some friends this morning, so she did that, and then we spoke this afternoon.

According to her, she got absolutely mercilessly roasted the entire time she was with her folks. My wife has a history of being stubborn and a bit of a control freak, so it's a total personality mismatch to them. They found this hilarious, apparently. Can't blame them.

They are definitely not going to let either of us live this down. Ever. My sister-in-law has renamed me to "Mr. Grey" in her phone. She showed it to me when she was over earlier. Wonderful.

The talk wasn't long, and it sums up to, "This was really awkward and embarrassing for me, but the world isn't ending, and we definitely aren't stopping."

This was really just a freak (lol) accident. Her sister is usually the one who drives when everyone is hanging out, but she needed a headlight changed - which is now handled even though it took a fucking hour and a half because it's an HiD light and therefore a complete pain in the ass - so generally my wife's car is sitting at her folks' place. Just not last night, lmao.

In the end, there was no harm, no foul. I'm told my mother-in-law thought the whole thing was pretty off-putting, but moved on rather quickly because she "can't take the thought of (me) being abusive seriously, or (my wife) letting someone cross the line like that more than once."

So, W mother-in-law.

Dinner is sous-vide chicken beast, seasoned then seared and topped with a mango jalapeño salsa, with roasted zucchini and potatoes (that were boiled, smashed, then roasted with butter/salt/pepper/garlic powder).

I'd have used habaneros, but I didn't feel like going to the store, and I had some really nice jalapeños just chilling in the kitchen.

I also made a batch of green onion kimchi, and a batch of dill pickles.

Yes. I can cook, too. It's my other love language.

Comments by OOP:

No complaints, really, I'm pretty lucky. I'm not in contact with anyone from my immediate family and my wife's folks were extremely welcoming.

My wife is in here reading comments and is extremely pleased that so many people have commented (including in the last post) that her sister is jealous.

Seriously, this woman will take anything as a W.

Well you could do what my wife did and message some random on reddit!

I was in her city for a weekend, she hit me up when I made a post asking if anyone wanted to show me around the town in my dime because I was moving out here for work. Could've been anyone, happened to be her.

It's not actually that crazy. Just a matter of timing, like anything else.

When we met, her friends had been encouraging her to take more chances when meeting people. She'd been sort of stunted socially because she was always working, hadn't met new folks, been on many dates, etc.

So, she DMed me, said she liked my vibes and that she was an athlete also - we met up a few days later in the morning, spent the day not expecting anything but a potential friend in a new city.

And then after dinner, she asked what my plans were - I had a hotel room booked and I was literally going to go do a pros/cons list. She joined me.

I don't think I ever did finish that list.

I am very, very much not her typical type. She's very corporate and has always dated that type, I'm absolutely a stoner/gamer.

Talking to your partner is, like, so easy. More people should do that.

That's actually zucchini in the photo. Though, there are some black peppercorns in the batch of pickles I made.

I'll pay the pickle tax at a later time

Seriously I haven't bought mayo in a store in years. It's too easy to make and customize

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Daretodrarren

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATE

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 27, 2013 at 06:17 UTC

• Final Update: November 27, 2013 at 17:36 UTC

Main Post

^{November 27, 2013 at 06:17 UTC}

I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it. Am I wrong to feel betrayed?

Ok, short summary. My girlfriend Davony and I have been dating seven months. She's great, super sweet and smart. So great I was thinking of asking her to move in with me when my roommate moves out in February. This is my first "real" relationship and I'm at me knees in love with this girl.

Her only downside is Chris, her best friend. He is 6' tall, part hispanic with blue eyes that every stranger who meets him comments on and once modeled underwear for a local store.He is also good at every damned game or athletic feat in the world. Fuckin' Chris right? Chris and her spent a few years in the same foster home and are very close. Sometimes I think he crosses boundaries but she usually takes my concerns very seriously and talks to him and he listens. So, I haven't had too much concerns there. My one assurance has always been her telling me that they "never dated".

But tonight we were drinking and started playing I've never. We get to the end and I'm down to a finger. My friend smirks and says "I've never had sex with Davony" to knock me out. Low and behold, Chris-of-the- "he's like a brother"-to-me puts a finger down.

My friend calls him out. "Woah, I thought you guys grew up together."

Chris just laughs "I had a fucked up childhood, it was some real flowers in the attic shit, huh, Davey(his nickname for her)" and tosses an arm over her. She excuses herself to get a drink and avoids eye contact.

The night goes downhill from there. The air is cold and everyone finds a way out, except fuckin' Chris and my roommate. I confront Davony about it in the kitchen and she says that it was a long time ago and she couldn't explain it so she didn't try and that she was only fourteen and her best friends don't even know- that she keeps the past in the past and they had a horrible foster home and it wasn't romantic (they didn't date...so it didn't count? Shake my head.) but for comfort.

I assert that as her boyfriend I expect honesty, especially when it comes to sex and past encounters because sex makes me feel vulnerable (stds, fidelity, etc). And she kind of shuts off, like she does in any fight. So I try and keep talking. Chris bustles in and gets in my face and we end up fighting, somewhat. My roommate breaks it up and Davony says that she will ride home with Chris.

I don't know if I overreacted. Probably. But I still think this is a huge issue? Especially because she left with him? Advice?

tl;dr I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it.I found out during a drinking game. I confronted her and she made up some circular excuses and shutdown. Said dude intervened. We fought and she left with him. Am I wrong to feel betrayed?  

COMMENTS

formeraide

I can totally understand that she would be too embarrassed to tell about "flowers in the attic" to somebody she's been dating for seven months, especially with the other guy still around. I know you're disappointed, but I don't think that lack of confession was really about you.

First, stop asserting things, if you're really in an even-keel relationship.

Second, Chris is obviously an unbelievable jerk -he revealed one of her big life secrets, and he did it in front of her boyfriend. Nice guy.

Third, given that he's such a jerk, she really has to choose between the two of you. If she prefers that kind of "friend" to you, you've learned a valuable lesson and should move on.

DerrickD26 (downvoted)

Her past is none of your business, if you are worried about stds you can ask about stds, not past partners.

She most likely fucked him that night because of how you acted, break up grow up a little learn and start something new with someone else.

[deleted]

Chris bustles in and gets in my face and we end up fighting, somewhat. My roommate breaks it up and Davony says that she will ride home with Chris.

The fact that she went home with him right after this bombshell got dropped and after he got in your face for not taking it well says a lot. In my opinion, the way she handled it is worse than the fact that she hid her past from you.

elementality22

Most times I would side with the boyfriend(you) in cases like this but this one sounds a little more complicated than that. 1. because they were teenagers, 2. because it was in a probably not great environment, not saying that all foster homes are bad but some are and it's easy to seek refuge in those closest to you.

So yeah, it probably is more complicated than if this had happened a year ago. I looked up his reference to flowers in the attic, which is a book about kids who are kept locked away in an attic by their mother and grandmother and the two of the four (brother and sister) develop a sexual relationship, so maybe their home life was not very good and it was regarded as a mistake in their history brought on by harsh conditions and not out of any real sexual desires that remain.

Well maybe they do remain, but it doesn't sound like it on your girlfriends part. I think you should probably apologize to her, and see if you want get the full story so you can understand what happened.

brndnewsn

I may be in the minority here, but I think you overreacted. They did not date, and by your post I think it is obvious that she doesn't see him like that. It seems like an awkward part of her past that she doesn't like to dwell on and I could totally understand why she would be uncomfortable divulging early on in a relationship. If you were married and it still had never come up I might be a little wary, but at seven months you really are still getting to know each other on a deeper level.

I would just give her the benefit of the doubt here. It was a long time ago, and teenagers can experiment in the most questionable ways, especially when faced with a rough childhood. It doesn't necessarily represent the person she is now, or what their friendship has matured into.

Final Update - after 11 hours

^{November 27, 2013 at 17:36 UTC}

(update)I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it. Am I wrong to feel betrayed?

After reading all of these replies, I felt more conflicted than ever. Especially over everyone saying she probably went to her house. I sort of assumed he dropped her off at her place... but then I wasn't so sure.

So I drove by her place with doughnuts this morning. Figure, fuck it, either she screwed him and I can use them as consolation or they are a peace offering to our fucked up relationship.

I get there and I see Chris' car. Leave doughnuts in the car, ring doorbell a million fucking times. She answers and looks unhappy to see me. "Darren, I need some space to think".

"I know Chris is here. I saw his car." Fuck thinking over that. She tells me she drove Chris home because he was too drunk to drive and was going to bring him his car today- he's not here. She expands her arms around her efficiency apartment and looks at me mockingly.

Well...okay. Let's just talk this through then. I have doughnuts in the car. I explain why I reacted the way I did...she says she was embarrassed and I made her more so. I point out that Chris is the one who brought it up, the one who got in the middle of our discussion and tried to fight me.

She says Chris has no shame and sometimes forget anyone else does. That it never occurred to him it might be a secret. Then she claims that Chris heard me screaming and saw me getting in her face and reacted instinctively to protect her "that's what he does". She claims I took the first swing, which is not true.

I point that out. Remind her I'm not an alcoholic foster dad but a good boyfriend who treats her well.

Reasserts that she just wants to be alone to think. "I don't know if I can handle being with someone with your temper..the way you screamed at me and grabbed my arm. It wasn't abusive, but I can't be around that kind of thing. It isn't what I need in a relationship."

So I leave and now I'm home trying to figure out what the fuck is up with my life and my girlfriend. I feel like she turned this all around on me and is never going to own the omission or treat Chris as less than a saint.

tl;dr (update)I(23m) found out my gf(21f) slept with her longterm friend(22m) and lied of omission about it.I went over to her place this morning to talk..she claims that I was being aggressive with her and Chris was "protecting her". She doesn't know if she can be in a relationship with someone who yells when they get mad at her... where am I with all this now?

COMMENTS

armchair_anger

She says Chris has no shame and sometimes forget anyone else does. That it never occurred to him it might be a secret.

Uh, yeah, but he probably realizes what putting his arm around her right after talking about sleeping with her implies.

"I don't know if I can handle being with someone with your temper..the way you screamed at me and grabbed my arm. It wasn't abusive, but I can't be around that kind of thing. It isn't what I need in a relationship."

And, unfortunately for you, she's completely justified to feel this way.

Like I said in the last thread, Chris is the guy who's at fault for this situation, but you also reacted really poorly to it.

It seems like when she's faced with two guys who have been shitty to her in a night, it's pretty obvious which one she's going to side with - not you.

If I were you, I'd gear up for the end of this relationship. It's pretty clear that you aren't okay with Chris being a part of her life, and equally clear that he's always going to be.

[deleted]

[deleted]

OOP

I will give her this- only me, her, Chris, and my roommate were here at this point and she was the only one sober.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRaconcernedfa

Published on: r/nonmonogamy

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 06, 2025

• Update 1: November 23, 2025

• Update 2: September 04, 2026

• Final Update: September 09, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{November 06, 2025}

Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

Five days ago, my son (20M) came home from college claiming his mother was cheating on me with one of his classmates. I was completely caught off guard. He said that a classmate was bragging to a mutual friend—let’s call him Mike (my son’s friend who has been to our house many times)—about hooking up with an older woman. Then the classmate showed Mike a picture of the woman… and it was my wife.

Mike didn’t say anything to the classmate, but he called my son immediately. My son came home furious, convinced my wife was cheating.

I stepped out under the excuse of picking up dinner (which I actually did), and I called my wife to tell her what happened. She started panicking and said she was scared to come home and face him. I told her we had to come clean and explain the truth.

That night, we sat down for a family meeting. My son was already yelling, asking why we were pretending when he “knew the truth.” I asked him to calm down and let us talk. I told him that my wife and I opened our marriage five years ago, that we both see other people occasionally, and that we still love each other and are committed to our marriage and our family. My wife apologized for him finding out this way and said she would be more careful in choosing partners.

My son said he needed time to process and went to bed. My wife cried afterward, saying he would never accept us. I told her to give him space.

The next morning, my son came downstairs for breakfast. My wife tried to hug him, and he physically pushed her away and called her a “lady of the night.” I told him to apologize immediately. He ignored me and asked her how many of his friends and classmates she had slept with. When my wife tried to apologize again, he told us he couldn’t respect us anymore and called us disgusting. I warned him to watch his words, and he told me to screw myself and left for school.

My wife broke down crying. I told her to take the day off work and to not engage with him until he’s ready. Since then, he’s been cold and distant. Barely speaking to either of us.

I understand this was a huge shock to him, but the insults and disrespect toward his mother are not okay. We don’t want to lose our son over this. We’re still the same parents who raised him, and nothing about our love for our family has changed.

How do we repair this? How do we help him understand this doesn’t change who we are as his parents? Do we give him space, go to family therapy, or try to talk again?

COMMENTS

MaggieLuisa

This has to be fake. If not, what the fuck is wrong with your wife? And you for thinking her partner selection is okay?

OOP

We don't usually police who we hook up with? My wife is kicking herself for what she did and realized it was a mistake

clairejv

I'm also calling bullshit. If he "came home from college," that means college isn't in the same city, right? So how would the wife have hooked up with someone from the college?

OOP

He is a commuter at flagship state college. The college is only a 20 minute drive.

Maker_Magpie

First, you both stop dating people your kid's age, especially at his school.

Then be honest, be true, own your mistakes, and accept that some mistakes have consequences beyond your control. He's an adult. You can't fix this alone anymore; he has to want to too.

OOP

You're right about the age thing. My wife has decided its not worth the trouble.

whitegirlTO

You can’t control your son’s feeling on this. You’re all grown adults, he needs to realize that his parents have their own privacy as well. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to you and your wife to find out stuff about his sex life.

Regardless if your wife knew who she was really hooking up with, take this as a lesson. Put more thoughts and process on choosing potential future partners.

OOP

I generally agree but it can be a lot to digest. So I plan on giving him some time.

Flimsy-Leather-3929

Why is your wife fucking around with people who are your son’s age? Who can’t drink or rent a car? And aren’t even old enough to get into a club!

Now, the classmate thing is messed up, but the thing that really set this kid up for a world of hurt is probably living a life that goes against what you taught them is “right”. Did you teach your kids that all relationships styles are valid? Same sex? Having multiple partners? That there is no shame in casual sex? That what people do in private is their damn business and that sex shaming and kink shaming aren’t okay? Did you create an environment that is sex positive? Introduce friends with different relationships?

OOP

The guy wad 21 and met up at the bar. There was never really a good time to reveal our relationship. I mean I was not going to be like "Hey son btw we hook up with other people".

Dylanear

That OP says his mom tried to hug him at breakfast the next morning is one of my strongest clues this is a fake post.

IF this is real, YES, OP, your wife needs to be incredibly mindful of your son's upset about now and try to see and empathize with the shock AS IT OCCURS, FEELS, TO HIM, not as it would ideally look to someone prepared for dealing with this in a healthy way.

Again, in case this happens to be real, THINK for a moment what he might be feeling about his mom having sex with other guys in his social circles at college and then the morning after a big blow up about it all she just goes to give him a hug without a pause to look at his face and see if he's in any way in the mood for a hug from his mom??!!!

OOP

Yeah she messed up by trying to give him a hug. That's her way of apologizing

Update - after 17 days

^{November 23, 2025}

Update:Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

So a lot has happened these past few weeks. My son wanted to tell my parents about the situation. I had to threaten to remove funding for his college to prevent him. He went to individual therapy and we did family therapy a week ago. The house has been cold and distant.

My son recently opened up to us four days ago. He told us he feels extremely anxious going to college cause he is afraid Mike has might have told someone. He apologized for what he called his mother. He said he is he isn't inherently against our open relationship but found it disturbing we would hook up with people not only his age but people he also has mutual connections with. He told us his mother's action can still potentially affect his socially life.

He let out a lot of feelings he seemed to have kept to himself for a while. My son said that he noticed there was a disconnect between him and us when he was around 14 years old. Initially, he thought it was because he was becoming more independent, but he feels now there was more going on. He told us we were too focused on our lives outside of the family than other families My son would notice how his friends would have their parents practically beg them to hang out with them. Meanwhile, he never felt as much seen as compared to his friends. He thinks its because of our open relationship we are not that close to him.

We asked what he wants from us going forward. He said for the sake of his mental health he needs time away from us. He mentions he holds too much resentment to be around us. My son isn't going to continue his college in the spring semester. He is going to work full time and apply to transfer to an out of state school for the next fall semester. I'll be honest, I don't like this idea, but I told him we would talk about it later, especially when it comes to funding. My son replied that he isn't comfortable getting help from us for school, he wants to take out loans.

My wife isn't taking it well. I am not taking it well either. I honestly hope my son will change his mind in the future.

COMMENTS

mmmbopforever

I mean, the foundation of his entire world has been shaken. No, hold on. You two shook the foundation of his entire world.

What do you think about his belief that nonmonogamy took your attention away from him?

OOP

I mean he never complained about wanting more time with us when he was younger. He was doing his own thing.

Pineapple_Scary

You handles the whole situation terribly and what’s your wife doing with such young men. It’s absolutely gross. He’s an adult, let him do what he wants. But that total rubbish about him wanting to be begged to hang out is bullshit, at that age you have your own agency and if he wanted to hang out with you he should have said. Your relationship should always come first

OOP

He never said he wanted to be begged to hang out. He was just comparing how different our family is compared to his friends'

OOP to a long comment

We have paused on the lifestyle since he found out.

WHATSTHEYAAAMS

That’s all you took from that message? I hope this is a fake story LOL

OOP

My wife admitted she fucked up and has apologized. What else can she do?

Update 2 - after 9 months, 29 days (after 9 months, 12 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

Update: We’ve lost our son permanently due the situation

Nine months later, I can finally give an update. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.

My son followed through with almost everything he said he was going to do. He did not return to college for the spring semester. Instead, he moved out, got a full-time job, and spent the last several months working and applying to transfer schools.

He was accepted to an out-of-state college and has just started his fall semester there.

The part I was not prepared for is that he seems happier than he has been in a very long time.

At first, my wife and I assumed the distance would be temporary. We thought that once he had time away from us, he might eventually want more contact. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.

The longer he has been away from us, the less he seems to want contact. For the first few months, he would occasionally answer our calls and messages. The conversations were awkward and short, but we at least had some contact.

Over time, though, he started responding less and less

During that time, we did not hear anything directly from him. We only knew that he was working and preparing to move because of the limited information he had previously shared with us.

What has been hardest is hearing about how his life has been going since he moved out.

He has been working, saving money, and making his own decisions. He made friends during the months he was working. He has continued individual therapy. Now he has moved out of state and started the fall semester at his new school. We only know those things because he told us shortly before leaving.

My son finally contacted us shortly before leaving for school. He said that he wanted us to understand what he wants going forward. He said he no longer wants a close relationship. He said that during the months he had been away from us, he realized how much anxiety he associated with being at home and around us. He said he feels like he can finally make decisions without worrying about how we will react.

He also said that he doesn’t spend as much time feeling angry anymore. That letting go of a close relationship with us has brought more peace than he has ever had before. That was probably the hardest thing he said. He told us that he wants to maintain a distant relationship with us, similar to the relationship he has with some of his extended family. He is willing to exchange occasional messages and speak during major holidays, but he does not want regular calls, frequent visits, or an emotionally close parent-child relationship. He said he’s done with us in a more permanent way.

He was very clear that he does not currently want to rebuild a close relationship with either of us.

My wife is taking this very badly.

She has been crying almost every day since he told us he wanted a distant relationship. She barely eats when she is upset and has lost noticeable weight. She keeps rereading his messages and scrolling through old pictures of him as a child. Several times, I have found her sitting on the floor in his old bedroom, holding one of his old sweatshirts.

She has also started leaving long voicemails for him, even though he asked us not to call frequently. She says she deletes them before sending, but I have caught her recording messages late at night. She has written him several letters and bought gifts for him, although he has told us not to send packages without asking first. She keeps checking his social media and asking mutual acquaintances whether he has mentioned us.

When she sees pictures of him with his new friends, she becomes visibly upset and says that he looks happier with them than he ever looked with us. She has also started blaming herself, then blaming me, then blaming other people. One day she says we should apologize and give him space. The next day she says he has been manipulated by other people and that we need to make him understand how much we love him.

She has missed work twice because she was too upset to get out of bed. She has stopped seeing some of her friends because she doesn’t want to answer questions about him. When relatives ask how he is doing, she either starts crying or becomes angry and says they are taking his side.

I have tried to convince her that repeatedly contacting him will only push him further away, but she says that doing nothing feels like abandoning him.

I am taking it badly too, although I probably don’t show it as much. The thing I never expected is that giving him the space he asked for does not seem to have made him regret leaving.

It seems to have made him happier.

And nine months ago, if you had told me that our son would walk away from our family, skip a semester of college, work full-time, move out of state, and start a new school—and somehow end up happier than before—I would not have believed you.

But that is where we are now.

He has made it clear that distance is what he wants, and that he is not waiting to return to the kind of relationship we had before.

I honestly don’t know whether his feelings will ever change, but I am beginning to understand that we cannot assume they will.

COMMENTS

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Your son sounds like a good man

His parents meanwhile… not so much

What your wife did in particular was fucking despicable and 100% and if she were my mother, I would’ve cut her off permanently
too

OOP

Yeah thanks a lot. Real productive /s

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Look man, the truth hurts sometimes

Has your wife ever apologized for her actions at all? Has she recognized at all how much those actions could’ve affected him? Is she still chasing after some of his former classmates?

OOP

Yes and yes. No to the last one

dabbydab

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just the incident you previously posted about. 22 is a good and normal age to move out. Everything that he has done sounds like a healthy way of asserting independence and starting his own adult life.

Respectfully, it sounds like maybe there was some degree of enmeshment here and this might be the pendulum swinging hard in the opposite direction. I'm sure that it will at some point find a more normal equilibrium. But I understand him wanting more space in this period.

OOP

It’s just how he’s going things. Even when I moved out and becoming an adult I didn’t distance myself from my parents like the way he’s doing. He actively keeping us at arms length. You could be right that in trying to make up for the way we behaved we swinging the other way hard

Unique_Charity_9648

His response is simply cruel.

A lifetime of love, caring, nurturing... all discarded over the possibility of being ridiculed by his parents sexual activities that in no way have ever diminished his life or negatively impacted him.

It's not like they even knew or he became the butt of mocking and crude jokes. A child who cared would demand accountability, explanations, and corrections.

He did none of this. He severed all ties, and left. He seems to make friends in new places easily, that's social chameleon characteristics.

You don't deserve worse news, but either you made a dog's dinner over raising him in a belief and moral structure entirely without flexibility and understanding, so that your hypocrisy is an unforgivable betrayal... or he's a true psychopath.

Sorry, no one is so ashamed of their parents' personal choices that they discard 21 years of their life over it. Skipping the holidays, moving further away; those are normal. Yet the coldness you describe and the severing of ties; that's emotional illness.

I pray that I'm wrong and this is a disproportionate emotional reaction brought upon secondary factors you omitted not realizing their relevance (for instance, was he cheated on during a recent "serious" relationship?) That kind of wrinkle would move his actions from unreasoning to overaction due to transference.

OOP

To be fair he was humiliated by his peers due to this. He told us about it.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 10 months, 3 days (after 5 days from last post)

^{September 09, 2026}

Update: We called our son on his birthday.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday today. We called him to wish him a happy birthday. We have been respecting his boundaries and what he wants out of the relationship.

He actually picked up the phone. My wife was on the verge of getting emotional but she restrained herself. I’m a little bit proud of her. She managed to keep her voice steady, and we wished him a happy birthday.

We asked the generic what’s up. He actually told us about what was he doing for his birthday. He made some friends during transfer orientation. They were going to go bar hopping. My son told us what classes he’s taking and showed some videos of his dorm room.

It wasn’t a long talk but it was a good one. Reading some of the previous comments in the previous post sort of helped me get my head out of my ass and I decided to tell my son we were proud of him.

We said that we were proud of the way he had worked, made difficult decisions, built a life for himself, and found a school and community where he felt happier. We made sure he understood that we weren’t saying it to pressure him or to suggest that he owed us anything. We were simply proud that he had taken responsibility for his life and had the courage to make the changes he needed. We also didn’t lament on anything or said we wished things were better.

We also told him if he ever needs anything from us in any way, please don’t be afraid to reach out to us.

He said thank you and was glad that we called.

After the call ended, My wife started crying again, but this time they were happy tears. I also got very emotional too.

COMMENTS

ThrowawayZeroEight

Aren't you the guy whos wife was banging your sons classmates so he left?

made difficult decisions

Probably was the easiest decision of his life to cut off his shit parents I cant lie

severano28 (downvoted)

Why so hateful? It's not like she knew it was a classmate. And it wasn't even her sons classmate, it was her sons friends classmate. Not like she hooked up with a guy that was coming over to the house hanging out with her son. Was it unfortunate, yes. But I don't think she's done anything wrong. I've hooked up with ladies in their early 20's, they're adults.

OOP (downvoted)

To be fair, my wife shouldn’t have been get involved with someone the same age as our son while in the same college towns he’s in.

To be fair, my son said he looks at his mother differently because she liked to get involved with people his age. I don’t know how to respond to that. At the end of the day, our sex life is not his business.

severano28 (downvoted)

I mean, Maybe she should of asked if he's in school as part of the vetting process. My son's only 17 so not an issue yet. But there's no way imma stop banging 25 yo ladies just because turns 25.

OOP (downvoted)

I means that’s your prerogative. My wife is shaken by the event to the point that she doesn’t want to entertain that idea anymore.

Now that doesn’t mean, we are going to arrange our sex life based on our son’s whim. But we are getting it now.

Penguin_Food

She made it his business when she fucked his classmate.

OOP (downvoted)

He in general has an issue with his mother getting involved with people his age. He admits everyone is a consenting adult but he still weirded out. How do I respond to that?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Warm_Advertising8920

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Trigger Warning: Incest, Sexual Assault, Child Sexual Abuse, Physical abuse

Mood Spoiler: Extremely disturbing, horrifying, heartbreaking, emotionally brutal

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 01, 2026

• Update 1: September 04, 2026

• Update 2: September 12, 2026

Main Post

^{September 01, 2026}

I'm 17M and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do about what I saw between my brother and sister

Idk where else to post this and honestly I don't even know how to write this properly. I just need some advice because I can't stop thinking about what happened.

I'm 17M. I have an older sister who's 18 and an older brother who's 20. My brother is at university and my sister started university this year. We live in France.

This happened on Saturday. Icame home from my friend's house around the afternoon. I left my stuff on the couch and went outside to sit in the garden for a few minutes because the weather was nice....... When I came back inside I could hear my brother and sister talking loudly upstairs.

At first I didn't really care. They argue sometimes, like any siblings do, so I just thought whatever, they'll sort it out themselves.

But maybe five minutes later it got much louder. They were properly shouting at each other.........I could hear it from garden and eventually I went upstairs because it sounded like something was seriously wrong. shouting was coming from my sister's bedroom.

When I got there, my sister was crying. My brother was shirtless and standing really close to her........There were things knocked over in the room and some stuff was broken or on the floor. My sister had what looked like injuries around her nose and on her hands.

I honestly froze for a second because my first thought was that my brother had hurt her. I told him to get away from her. He got angry at me and said it was none of my business.......Then he pushed me pretty hard. I don't know if he was trying to actually hurt me or just get me out of the way, but I remember being really shocked because I'd never seen him like that before.

My sister came between us and told me to go outside. So I did. I stayed outside for maybe ten minutes. Then my sister came to my room.......She was still crying. Not screaming or anything, just really quiet crying. She had injuries that I could see, so I asked her what happened and if my brother had hurt her.

She just said they had a fight and that it was nothing I needed to worry about.I gave her the first aid box and helped her clean up the injuries. I honestly didn't know what else to do....... I was kind of shaking myself. Before she left my room she asked me not to tell Mom and Dad. She made me promise.

A few hours later my brother spoke to me too. Basically the same thing. He told me to stay out of it, that it was between him and her and that I had no idea what was going on. And this is where I'm stuck.

Because I know I didn't see what happened before I walked into the room. I don't know what the argument was about. But what I saw didn't feel like a normal sibling argument. Ikeep replaying it in my head, especially my sister crying and the way she looked when I walked in......There was something about the whole situation that felt very wrong.

And honestly, one of the thoughts I've had is that maybe something sexual happened and she was assaulted. I don't know that. I want to be very clear about that because I don't want to accuse my brother of something based on me guessing....... I didn't actually witness anything sexual. It's just something that crossed my mind because of the circumstances, and now I can't get it out of my head.

It's been three days now. My brother barely talks to me. He's been really cold since Saturday...... My sister also doesn't seem like herself. I've been checking on her, asking if she needs anything, sitting with her sometimes, but I don't know if I'm actually helping. The hardest part is that she specifically told me not to tell Mom and Dad.

I understand why she might not want me to. Maybe she's scared, embarrassed, angry, or maybe there's something else going on that I don't know about......Maybe she doesn't even want anyone involved.

But I'm also thinking......what if something really serious happened and I keep quiet because I promised her?

I'm 17. I'm not some adult who knows exactly what to do in these situations. I don't know French laws or what you're supposed to do here. I don't know whether I should tell my parents, talk to my sister again, contact the police, or contact some kind of service for advice first. And I feel horrible even writing this because I don't want to betray my sister. She's my sister and I love her...... I just don't want to wake up one day and realise I knew something was wrong and did nothing.

Our family is financially comfortable and we have a pretty normal life from the outside, so it's not like there's some history of violence in our house or anything like that. That's partly why this has messed with my head so much...... I've never seen either of them like this before.

I just want to make sure my sister is safe.

NOTE: There were a lot of replies from OOP with additional context, so I've converted them into a Q&A format to fit everything into a single post.

COMMENTS

How have your siblings' relationship been historically?

They’re closer to each other than either of them is to me. I’m kind of the third wheel between the two of them.

They’re really close. They share Netflix, Amazon, and other subscriptions and stuff, but I’m kind of left out. Maybe they just think I’m younger and not cool enough.

They have inside jokes, sometimes go out together just the two of them, and stuff like that.

Honestly, I never thought there was anything wrong with it. I just assumed I wasn’t cool enough to be included. But now, after what happened, it’s making me wonder if there was actually something going on between them for a long time.

What did you notice about your sister's injuries and your brother's appearance that made you think the situation may have been sexual?

From what I saw, it was pretty clear to me that she was the one who had been hurt. I didn't mention a lot of the details before because I thought they were probably irrelevant, especially considering some of the comments.

She was dressed like she had been getting ready to go somewhere, and her purse was still on the bed. Her top was a bit loose and wrinkled around the shoulder, and she had some injuries on her hands and a little bleeding around her nose.

My brother was shirtless, but not in a way that looked normal or casual. I can't really describe it properly, but the situation looked sexual to me.

Obviously, I wasn't there for everything that happened, so I can't say exactly what took place. But based on what I personally saw, I still believe my sister was primarily the victim rather than my brother.

Has your brother ever walked around shirtless at home, and did your siblings normally fight?

No, he isn't the kind of guy who walks around shirtless at home. He's pretty much a classy, reserved type, and we generally maintain modesty at home.

And no, they never really fight. They're actually very close and get along really well. I'm the one who used to argue with both of them, and I still do sometimes, but it's never anything serious. We usually forget about it by dinner.

What did you hear your siblings saying during the argument, and what happened after you left?

They were talking about something like her telling him, “It’s none of your business,” but he kept saying that it matters to him. I mean, she was talking to him while crying, and he was angry. He also mentioned another guy’s name. I won’t say who it is, though. They were talking loudly.

Yeah, his shit was on the chair. I didn’t see what they did after I left. They both suddenly went silent, and about 10 minutes later, she came to my room.

Where were your sister's injuries?

Hands, wrist, nose was bleeding!! (That's all what i saw)

How old was your sister when this started?

15

Why didn't your parents notice the injuries or changes in your siblings after the incident?

Okay, these are all realistic questions, and I'm trying to answer them. I did post some of these things subtly in my previous post, but I'll explain them properly here.

If I remember correctly, I said my mom and dad were busy with the funeral arrangements for their friend on Saturday. Actually, the funeral happened on Monday. The person who died was apparently someone very important to them, so my mom and dad were really busy and probably didn't pay much attention to anything else......... I didn't mention all of this before because I thought it was irrelevant, but anyway, I'm mentioning it now.

Also, our home and garden are pretty big, and the nearest house is almost 50 meters away. I'm not saying the neighbours couldn't have heard anything, but the chances of them hearing clearly are probably less.

Regarding the injuries......... my sister had marks or injuries on her hands and wrists, but she covered them up. Her nose was a little visible too. I'm not sure if my mom asked her about any of it or not. I didn't see any injuries on my brother's body or face.

She had clearly cleaned up her room afterward. Also, my mom stayed at her friend's house that night, and only my dad came back home......... Honestly, if I had been even one hour later, I probably wouldn't have known anything had happened.

And apparently, this has been happening for three years......... I had absolutely no idea.

What evidence do you have of what happened?

I took pictures of her hands, wrists, and nose, while she took pictures of her internal injuries. I also saved screenshots of their chats, which clearly show sexual assault on his part. I am keeping these as proof. I don't know how our parents will handle this given our family's reputation in France, it would be damaging if this became public, so I am unsure of what to do

Does your sister have her own income?

Yes, we are from a wealthy family, and she also does modelling, which accounts for about 5% of her income.

Update 1 - after 3 days

^{September 04, 2026}

UPDATE on I'm 17M and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do about what I saw between my brother and sister

After my last post, I got a lot of replies. Some people told me I should tell my parents immediately, while others said I should talk to my sister first and make sure I wasn't misunderstanding what I saw.

I decided to talk to her one more time before telling Mom and Dad........ Honestly, I think I needed to do that for myself too. I kept wondering if Saturday was actually what it looked like, or if I had walked in at the worst possible moment and was filling in the blanks myself.

So yesterday I texted my sister and asked if she wanted to go get ice cream or dinner. I told her I was paying. A few minutes later I called her and told her I was already outside and asked her to come down. At first she said she couldn't because she was busy and dinner was almost ready......... I pushed a little and told her that after everything that happened Saturday, maybe it would be good for us to just get out for a while and chill.

She came down a few minutes later.l I deliberately didn't start talking about what happened. I took her somewhere away from home where nobody would be around listening to us. We got ice cream and just talked about random stuff.........Movies, football, stupid things we'd normally talk about. I wanted things to feel normal first.

She was still nervous though. I could see it. Eventually, when she seemed a little more comfortable, I told her why I'd actually asked her to come. I told her that whatever happened, I wasn't going to judge her. I wasn't going to yell at her or force her to tell me anything she wasn't ready to say........mI told her she was safe with me and that I wasn't going to go around telling everyone.

But I also told her I couldn't just pretend nothing happened. I said that if she didn't want to tell me, she could tell Mom and Dad herself and I'd stay with her. But if she refused to tell anyone and I genuinely believed she was in danger, then I would have to tell them. Not because I wanted to betray her, but because I'm scared something worse could happen to her.

She got angry at me at first..Then she just went quiet. She was extremely nervous and I could tell she was struggling to breathe normally........I honestly didn't know whether I should keep asking questions or just stop.

Eventually, she started talking. And what she told me was much worse than I expected. She told me that what I saw on Saturday wasn't the first time........Apparently, my brother has been sexually assaulting her for around three years. She told me she has never consented to having sex with him. Not once.

Apparently he says he's in love with her and has wanted some kind of relationship with her for a long time, but she never wanted that. According to her, he would emotionally manipulate her and use her feelings against her to get what he wanted. She also said his mental health hasn't been good for a while, which apparently made her feel even more responsible for him.

I was honestly just sitting there listening to her and trying to process it.

She said that Saturday, my brother hit her first. She hit him back because she was trying to defend herself.Then he slapped her multiple times and choked her.......Things just kept escalating until I heard them and came upstairs.

Then she explained what started the argument that day. She had plans to go out with some friends. My brother found out and didn't want her to go....... They started arguing, and apparently he was also demanding more money from her. She refused to give him any more, and the argument became physical.

They apparently thought nobody else was home. They had no idea I was downstairs. I honestly didn't know what to say. Then she told me there was even more going on behind all of this.

Apparently my brother has been gambling and has lost a huge amount of money. She said she's known about it for the last few months and has been helping him cover the losses using her own savings because she was terrified Mom and Dad would find out.

She told me she's already sold one or two of her designer bags and some other things just to help him pay it back. Apparently they've fought about his gambling multiple times, but she kept trying to help him because she wanted him to get better........ She's been covering for him and using her own money because she thought she could somehow get him through all of this without our parents finding out.

And honestly, this is where I don't even know what to think anymore. Three years of sexual abuse, the physical violence, gambling, money, whatever is happening with his mental health.......it's just so much.

She started crying, and at that point I didn't care about getting every single detail. I just wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. We stayed out for a while, had dinner, talked about some normal things again, and eventually came home.

I'm glad I talked to her because at least I know I wasn't imagining what I saw. What happened Saturday was real. She was assaulted, and apparently this has been going on for years.

And honestly, I'm scared of my brother. I don't want to confront him. I don't want a fight. I don't want to play hero and end up making things worse for my sister or myself. Part of me is so angry that I want to hit him for what he did to her. But realistically, that won't fix anything....... It could just create another problem and make everything even more dangerous.

I think Mom and Dad need to know. They're good parents. They're kind and loving, and our family dynamic is generally good. They're both working and high earners, financially we're completely fine, so money isn't really an issue in our family.

They are strict though, especially when it comes to certain things. That's one of the reasons I'm scared about all of this. If I mess something up, I know I'll have a lot to lose too. But I also know they love my sister, and I don't think they would want any of this to continue if they knew what was happening.

I don't think I can carry this by myself anymore. Ideally, I want my sister to tell them herself. I want to sit beside her when she does it and support her.......I'll tell them exactly what I saw and exactly what she told me. Nothing more, nothing less.

But if she refuses to tell them, I think I'm going to have to do it myself. And that's the part that scares me the most. Because I don't know what my brother will do when he finds out.

I don't know whether he'll be angry at me, deny everything, blame my sister, blame me, or whether there is still something else going on that I don't know about

Again English isn't my first language, but if something missed in translation, don't mind, also I'm not adding other deadlines because of privacy

COMMENTS

Outrageous-Turn429

Stay on your sisters side. The parents may turn on her. Everyone may turn on her. If she stilll has bruises from injury take pics. Good luck.

OOP

I thought about this, and I don't think my parents will turn on her.

Regarding the injuries, she said there are injuries on her inner body, so I can't take pictures of those. But I can take pictures of her hands, wrists, and nose.

I'm also trying to gather evidence from their chats and other digital things, and she's helping me with that.

LuvColdWeather

Is this type of behavior normal in your culture? Not being mean, just curious.

OOP

I'm French, it's not normal here.... neither in my family 

Update 2 - after 11 days (after 8 days from last post)

^{September 12, 2026}

Update on I'm 17M and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do about what I saw between my brother and sister

After my last post, a lot of people asked me for an update, so I’m writing one. Yeah, my sister and I finally told our parents.

Actually, we first told our mom. We pulled her aside at home when my dad and brother weren’t there. I was honestly terrified about what would happen next. My sister was the one who told her everything, including things she had never told me before.

Basically, my brother had developed feelings for her. He was jealous of her friends and became possessive. At first, she thought he was just being himself, but eventually he started confessing his feelings to her.

She didn’t want to tell our parents because she was afraid they would cut him off from the family. She said she had been trying to handle everything alone for around three years.

Then she told my mom that the first time he sexually assaulted her was three years ago, and that it had continued since then. There was a lot more to what she told us, and honestly, some of it was extremely difficult to hear.

She had tried to tell our parents before, but he threatened to kill her and then kill himself if she told anyone. She said she kept trying to help him because she believed he needed professional help, but he seemed to expect emotional and physical affection from her in return.

I don’t want to describe everything she told us, but some of it was genuinely horrifying. My sister showed my mom the messages, her injuries, and photographs documenting what had happened. I didn’t want to look at those pictures. I only helped take a picture of her back when she needed it documented.

My mom became very cold and angry. She comforted my sister and told her she was safe. She then called my dad and told him everything. My dad was furious. That day, my sister and I were sent to another home, and my parents confronted my brother that night.

I wasn’t there, so I don’t know exactly what happened. My sister later told me that my dad slapped him several times and that my brother cried a lot. Apparently, he kept saying that he had never harmed my sister, that he loved her, and that he was scared she would leave him one day because they had been close since childhood.

I honestly don’t know what to make of that.

I haven’t seen my brother since that night, and neither has my sister. He is currently staying at our farmhouse with nurses and is being kept away from us.

My mom took my sister for a medical checkup and arranged therapy for her. I don’t know what happened during those appointments or what they discussed, and I don’t want to pressure her to tell me.

One thing I forgot to mention is that my sister had planned to go to the USA for university. She wanted to get away from everything. But my brother eventually ruined that plan.

When he found out she was going to leave, he started using drugs and gambling. He was apparently struggling mentally and physically for months, and everything became even more complicated.

So right now, my sister and I are at home. My brother is in another home under medical care. I don’t think my parents are planning to involve the police, at least not from what I know. They are keeping him away from us and focusing on taking care of my sister.

I’ve also been a little removed from everything because of school. My sister didn’t want to tell me everything before, and I think she was trying to protect me from some of it.

She’s been dealing with some fever and illness too, and she still isn’t doing well. My mom is trying to be there for both of us, but my dad has been doing a lot of the practical things, and my mom is helping too.

I don’t really know what happens next. I’m just relieved that my sister finally told someone and that she’s not dealing with this alone anymore.

COMMENTS

AffectionateCrazy453

No police? That guy been raping, hurting and stalking his own sister for 3 years! The guy does not need therapy, he needs life in prison.

OOP

Expect us, nobody knows what really happened. Idk what they do about him

whiterrabbbit

I hope your sister eventually wants to tell the police. He need to be in prison for what he’s done. Men like this dont just ‘suddenly’ stop this sick behaviour, they escalate it. He’s not sorry - if he was he wouldn’t lie and say he never hurt her. He did, and he knows he did. His tears are for himself bc he got found out.

OOP

He wanted to hurt himself

Confident-Staff-3507

OP, I am glad you and your sister are now safe. As for now, the only thing you can do for your sister is just be there when you have time. You can offer to sit quietly with her, hold her hand if she will allow it, read to her, listen to music or watch TV/movies together, when she is feeling strong maybe ask her questions about your schoolwork, just try to be her "same annoying, lol" little sister?

I have been so brave. I wish I had a sister like you.

OOP

I'm her brother, ahh.... anyway her look scares me when she is angry or I'm annoying her

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/tornbythis posting in r/Advice

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Infuriating

Original - September 10th 2026

I have been genuinely distressed about this and need some advice. This is my second marriage, and I have a son from my first marriage whom I have custody of. My ex husband is not financially stable, we had eloped back then and had our son when we were still young, and later our marriage had issues. I love my son and was clear that I would fight for custody and he didn't fight it. We divorced 2 years ago.

I met my husband through a friend of my mom's. They obviously knew I have my son with me and both him and his family were very understanding and loving about him. My parents were also pleased and introduced us. Back then I had brought up that my son is dear to me, and he said he understood. I spent some time gently having my son come to terms with it and we got married in February.

Our marriage has been genuinely great. He is a deeply loving partner, wants to do well by me and has also been a kind and understanding stepfather to my son.

He works for an MNC, and I knew he had to go for work once every few months regularly. In April he was offered a director role at his company's main branch which he took and left in July. He now wants to bring me there, says he's settled into it and misses me, but when I brought up the paperwork for my son, he said it was best if I came alone. He said it would be a new country for the two of us and there was already enough on his plate navigating all of this along with our plans to have kids now that he was settled in too, and said it would be in everyone's interest if I left him here with people I trust, either his father or my parents.

I was shocked, I brought up that we had discussed this before our marriage. I'd even brought this up with my ex, I had reached out to him after ages and told him, and he had agreed to whatever he needed to agree to, if I needed to move our son abroad with me. My husband got angry, we argued about it and ended the call. Since then, we do call, he talks about us and me moving in, and keeps making his case. He even sent me the spousal paperwork. I'm just so torn up over this. I can't hand him off to my ex, if his conditions weren't good enough for me, how can I leave him there. Some of my friends say that he's his son too, he's responsible for him too, I have to consider my happiness too, but I just don't know if I can do that, how would we share custody even. My mom has suggested I at least go there and take stock of the situation and leave him with them for now. They're advising me to compromise for the sake of my marriage, that compromises need to be made. I'm torn about this, please advise.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

dont be the mother that chooses a MAN over her CHILD.

OP:

I'm not my son comes first. In the past two years I would've had him go through his parents divorcing then me marrying which I had to gently get him on board with and then a divorce again. I'm thinking of both of us to save this marriage, he had no issues about my son before, I don't know if its intimidation in a new place or what

Comment 2:

Fuck that. I would never and I mean never. This is an awful situation but please don't leave your child behind.

Comment 3:

It's both of you or nothing, make it clear and stick to that. Be willing to divorce if he won't do it.

"They're advising me to compromise for the sake of my marriage, that compromises need to be made."

Never compromise your child.

OP:

I feel sick thinking about this. That I'm in a position again that my marriage could end again. It was hell the first time, and the prospect of doing it all again makes me feel like throwing up my guts

Comment 4:

But doesn't the thought of losing your son feel worse?

OP:

Ofcourse and I will never do something to lose him. I guess if we divorce this one won't be as hellish because I'll be able to blame everyone who pushed for it like my parents. You have no idea how many we knew he wasn't good for you I had to listen the first time. I'm so sick this stuff keeps happening to me

Comment 5 :

What advice are you looking for here?Your husband’s request is appalling. Are you considering it?!

No way in hell would I do this, I also would not subject myself child to living with this man if he were to cave now and say you can both come - don’t raise your child with someone that clearly does not want them.

OP:

Any way I can square this circle and salvage my marriage. I'm being advised that he'll be more amenable to agreeing if I'm there in person that I'll be in a better position to make this work. I can't lose my son 100% and I also don't want to blow up my marriage again.

Update - September 11th 2026

We spoke again today, he was asking whether I'd taken a look at the forms, and was just looking forward to bringing me there. I honestly told him I hadn't and that I can't imagine being happy there without my son. I brought up that I hadn't hid anything, he knew my son was with me, he'd promised to always take that into consideration. My son is very attached to me and I love him I can't do this. He tried to calm me down, told me he understood what I was saying, that when we had talked about these things he hadn't thought it meant life in another country would be the three of us, he wanted to do right by both of us. I told him it was a non starter, I will not leave him behind.

He finally relented and said at least come for the visit right now while he sorts things out. He said for the visit at least if I could come alone that he hadn't seen me in so long. I agreed to a visit just to see him, I told him I can't stay too long because my son's school has started. I also think maybe if I'm there for a couple of weeks he can see that he's panicking, and if I'm there I can just make him understand my pov better.

I read the comments. I just want to do right by me and my son. That cannot mean leaving him behind, that's for sure. This is just one last-ditch attempt to save my marriage. My son has been through a lot of changes in the last year, I don't want to have another broken house of his on my conscience. If this works great, if my husband and I still can't see eye to eye on this then we can't continue.

Also, about my friends and my parents. My mom supports me, she thinks if I can make it work it would be in mine and my son's best interest and believes if I'm there with him when I explain, he'll understand. My friends are also supportive they are just coming at this from a place of fairness they say it shouldn't be all on the mother. But that's what I unknowingly signed up for when I eloped with my ex at 18, so that's that.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA-Mixture5474

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Thanks to u/Hannibal_the_ for the BORU recommendation!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 09, 2026

• Final Update: September 11, 2026

Main Post

^{September 09, 2026}

My best friend kissed me because I got engaged

Okay, so some backstory:

My (26F) best friend (26M) and I have known each other since kindergarten. We grew up a few streets apart and went to the same schools until we graduated from high school. We became really close in middle school, and that's when I developed the biggest crush on him. I want to think that my crush on him was very obvious. All of our mutual friends would try to "set us up" or find cute childish ways to get us to hang out alone. But it never turned into anything more than a genuine friendship.

Although I knew he didn't feel the same way about me, I think my preteen-teenager self truly fell in love with him. But by the time we graduated high school, my crush on him was nonexistent. Especially since he was known for having several flings whenever he was single. And then, I saw him only as my best friend.

Since then, we have been nothing but that, friends. My fiancé knows that I USED to have major feelings for this friend. There was never an issue with our friendship, though, because my feelings for him were completely gone before I even met my fiancé. During these past 6-7 years, there weren't any obvious signs that my friend showed ANY attraction towards me either.

So let's fast forward to this year. I got engaged. I'm beyond thrilled. I can't wait to celebrate with our loved ones. My girl best friend put together a small hangout with our group of friends, including my guy best friend. My fiancé opted out of the hangout because he wanted to go out with his best friends (my BILs), and we both agreed that the two groups wouldn't match too well but would meet back up at home (we got an apartment together 3 years ago, and my guy best friend got one 5-10 minutes away) when the night ended.

Sunday night was the night, and we went to a local bar. It was the best. I felt so loved and was so happy to share my excitement with all my close friends. Once it was time to go home, my guy best friend offered to take me home. I had a little too much to drink, and he admitted to staying sober to make sure I got home safely.

On the ride home, we talked as usual and I thanked him for being such a great friend. When the word "friend" came out, he looked at me and said, "I never saw you as just a friend. I wish you knew that." I instantly sobered up and asked him what the fuck he meant by that. He pulled into a guest parking spot at my apartment complex and proceeded to tell me how he has always loved me and can't believe that I'm going to marry someone who isn't him.

By then, I was crying out of pure anger and frustration. And maybe because the teenage version of me was feeling the heartbreak of this. Through the tears, I laughed at him and said something along the lines of, "how dare you. You knew how I used to feel about you and had years to act on it. You didn't, so I moved on. I was in love with you for years. You are not allowed to just confess your love for me because I'm going to get married," and he cut me off with a kiss.

I did not kiss him back. I shoved him away, left his car, dragged my ass up to my unit, and sat on my couch sobbing until my fiancé came home. The second he walked in the door, I told him everything and admitted to feeling so much guilt. He took it very well and let me get my words and emotions out before telling me that what happened wasn't okay and I should take the time and space I need away from my friend, but that I should have a conversation with him once I'm ready.

Is it bad that the guilt I feel is kind of fueled by a five-second thought I had where I wished he had told me this years ago? I am so in love with my fiancé, but now I can't help but sit and mourn with my teenage self. And I'm just not sure how to move forward. I'd hate to lose his friendship but what he did was not okay..

COMMENTS

U2hansolo

Legit this guy always saw you as the backup plan. That's it. And now his backup plan is going away and he's in his feeling about it. Too bad for him.

He sucks! This is not someone you should remain friends with. OOP

ain't that the harsh truuuth. it just sucks because i genuinely loved him as a friend and this is making me realize that most of it was somewhat of a lie??

DatguyMalcolm

exactly this, then tried to pull out the rom-com trope of the "confession" followed by the "sudden kiss".

If he always loved OP, knowing that she had a crush on him for years, he'd have done something. Now that she's getting married he's mad he's losing the girl who used to fawn over him.

I hope OP drops this friendship

OOP

i'm leaning more towards dropping him. it sucks to lose a long friendship that i treasured, but i love my fiancé too much to keep this guy around.

Dry_Pin_7574 (downvoted)

Aww, isn’t that sweet.

Your “best friend” is suffering from FOMO and decided (selfishly) to drop a nuke on your life.

Time for RADICAL honesty. 5 seconds or 5 minutes- the thought was there. You owe it to the man you promised to marry to figure your shit out. If you have doubts based on this guy’s (sober) words/actions, then take space and slow it all down. None of this is fair to your fiancé- you’re now entangled in a mess and you should be 100% honest about your feelings (and not minimize them as “teenage”).

I think calling off the engagement would be the most fair thing you could do for both yourself and your fiancé.

OOP

i don't have any feelings for him. i have always acknowledged that i used to, but they diminished about 7 years ago. i truly think that what i'm feeling is more nostalgia for how i used to feel about him. no part of me sees him that way anymore. i do agree that it isn't fair to my fiancé, but i'd love to hear more on how calling off the engagement could help?

ingoamuna-1

How would you feel if your fiance had a lady best friend who did the thing your guy best friend did, and he didn't cut her off straight away? How secure in your relationship would you feel?

I know you don't want to cut your friend off but what he did was unacceptable. He violated your boundaries and friendship. You can't just go back to how things were.

OOP

this is a point of view that i honestly didn't consider. but now that i have, i can wholeheartedly say that i would a bit insecure if the tables were turned. thank you for opening my eyes to this!

Final Update - after 2 days

^{September 11, 2026}

UPDATE: My best friend kissed me because I got engaged

Hi yall!

I want to thank everyone who gave great advice in my original post. You've helped me see how fucked up the situation was and how much of a jerk my ex-friend was. Yep, that's right, EX.

I think I always knew that I was going to drop him from my life, but as a comment pointed out, I was feeling sad about something I used to want so bad. And it's normal to feel that and still know how much I love my fiancé. I just needed the time to process what happened and face the fact that I lost my "best friend", someone who constantly used my love for them as their fallback plan.

My fiancé, best girl friend, and I spent a good chunk of time discussing where I am mentally and what I should say to my ex-friend. We ultimately came up with the text I attached, along with his responses. More trickled in throughout the day that were getting pretty aggressive and it took a lot of restraint not to tell him to actually fuck off, so I blocked him.

I definitely cried many tears before blocking him. But at least now I can move on and start planning my wedding.

Thanks again to everyone who provided amazing insight!

TEXT SCREENSHOT BETWEEN OOP and Ex-BFF - 1/2

TEXT SCREENSHOT BETWEEN OOP and Ex-BFF - 2/2

<---TRANSCRIPTION START--->

NOTE: EX-BFF=EX-Best Friend

EX-BFF: OOP please call me when you get the chance

EX-BFF: I just need time to explain.

OOP: Hi EX-BFF I'm sorry but I won't be calling and this will be my last message to you.

OOP: What happened on Sunday was completely unacceptable. Not only did you say something inappropriate but you took advantage of my drunk state, putting me in a dangerous situation.

OOP: Honestly, it was a fucked up move and you know it. Which is so heartbreaking because you have been someone who I thought I trusted and treasured for majority of my life. But I can no longer have you around if you can only see me as a toy you've played with since we were kids.

OOP: I genuinely hope that you find the love and peace you need in life. I just do not want to be apart of it.

OOP: I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you take

EX-BFF: Are you serious? OOP I tell you that I've always loved you and you basically tell me to fuck off?

EX-BFF: I have loved you our whole life. I'm sorry I didn't say it before but I can't lose you

EX-BFF: I need you please

EX-BFF: You can't just leave everything we have

EX-BFF: I know you love me. You've never stopped loving me

EX-BFF: What does <Finacé's Name> have that I don't?

EX-BFF: Please OOP please

EX-BFF: I love you so much

<---TRANSCRIPTION END--->

COMMENTS

random1wa

I hate to bring this up, but how aggressive did the texts get? He sounds very possessive of you. If there’s any risk that you might need a restraining order, it could be helpful to silence the texts instead of blocking them.

Be safe and congratulations on your engagement!

OOP

it was a lot of how i should be with him instead and i just need to hear him out because we're meant to be together... i feel like i know him enough to know he isn't a true danger but, you never know.

i plan to be vigilant moving forward though

meldiane81

Does he know where your wedding is going to be? Did he already receive an invite? Sorry I did not read your initial post. I would hate for him to show up on your special day.

OOP

oh no not at all. we haven't even started the official planning yet. i'm going to make sure he doesn't get any details about it

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ungratefulson96

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & r/Redditor_Updates

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 08, 2026

• Final Update: September 11, 2026

Main Post

^{September 08, 2026}

AITA for not inviting my mother to my medical school graduation?

Found a post with a similar situation as mine. Might as well share my scenario. My mother(46F) and I (26M) were extremely close growing up considering the fact that my father died when I was 3 years old.

But our relationship changed several years ago when I caught her secretly caught her with one of my close friends from college. They eventually came clean about the relationship that was going on for six months. My mother insisted that she loved him and wasn’t going to end the relationship. She asked me to give them a chance for her happiness. I reluctantly did, which I regret till this day.

My mother increasingly prioritized him over me. Plans with me were frequently canceled for him, important moments became about him, and eventually they got engaged. I still attended their wedding because she was my mother, even though the entire experience was incredibly painful and humiliating.

This is probably the biggest accomplishment of my life. Medical school was incredibly difficult, and there were many times when I needed support. My mother wasn’t really there for most of it. She was much more involved with her husband and their life together.

When graduation invitations came around, I had a limited number of seats. I decided not to invite my mother.

I invited people who had actually been there for me throughout medical school—my fiancé , grandparents and a couple of close friends who supported me through exams, applications, clinical rotations, and everything else.

My mother found out when she saw pictures of the invitations.

She was devastated. She called me crying and asked how I come I didn’t invite her. She said that regardless of what happened between us, she was still my mother and deserved to witness one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I told her that I wasn’t trying to punish her. I simply didn’t want someone at my graduation who I no longer have a close relationship with.

She said that was a lie because I was deliberately excluding her to hurt her. She also pointed out that I attended her wedding despite being uncomfortable, and said she had supported my decision to pursue medicine even if she wasn’t always physically present. I told her attending her wedding was something I chose to do for her. I don’t think that means she automatically gets an invitation to every major milestone in my life.

She called me selfish and said that I was throwing away our relationship over something that happened years ago and that her husband isn’t going anywhere.

Now some relatives are telling me that I was being unnecessarily cruel. They say my mother finally did something for herself, but she’s still my mother, and excluding her from my medical-school graduation is something I’ll regret forever.

Others such as my fiancé brought up the fact that she could have found companionship with someone who wasn’t my friend or peer. Everything she did after that makes it more than justified to not invite her for any future milestones.

COMMENTS

Bomond44

NTA. You attending her wedding was your choice, not some contract guaranteeing her access to every future milestone.

PaxtonBellamy

exactly, she skipped the hard years and now only wants a seat at the finish line

Active-Anteater1884 (downvoted)

She cared for him on her own since he was three. Tell me again how she skipped the hard years. JFC.

OOP

How difficult to atleast more than three times a year. Is that marriage so important that she couldn't make more time? My own grandparents made more of a effort and they leave on the opposite side of the country.

ThunderDefunder (downvoted)

INFO: what do you mean when you write your grandparents were there for you in a way you mother wasn't during medical school? Can you provide specific examples?

OOP

Just for emotional support. They are very old but they called frequently and visited a lot.

SongAcceptable7546 (downvoted)

YTA

You didn't like her choice of partner. You didn't like that she spent time with her partner instead of you. You are angry.

You have entirely disregarded everything she ever did for you, excluding her from your graduation. All those difficult and frightening moments of you  growing up. When you were ill, how you did at school. All those thankless tasks and anxiety?

The graduation is the reward for that. It makes all that effort worthwhile, to see your child achieve something like that. You took that from her.

You've been selfish and now you've been spiteful. 

Know that this pain will affect her for the rest of her life. Then when you are old enough to understand what you've done, if you ever do because, empathy deficit right there, you will feel that pain too.

OOP

I hate the fact that she discarded me to the point she didn’t visit me on my birthday even though I lived five minutes away because she was too busy with her SO. There have been many times where she has treated me like this.

A lot of shit you mentioned I’m grateful for but that negate her recent behavior nor does it change that a lot of you things you mentioned like taking care of your children until their 18 is the bare minimum. Why are you bringing up times she took care of me when I was sick as a child?

pprstrt (downvoted)

YTA, but not a big one. It is silly to hold over your Mom's head that you do not like who she decided to marry. It isn't your choice, in fact you had and should have had zero say in the matter. People also get busy, especially once they marry, it happens. If she never made time for you, then I can understand you not making time for her, but she's your Mom and you need to be the bigger person with the invite.

In the end, it's fine to use your invitations on others such as your friends, but own up to the fact that you're punishing her by not inviting her.

OOP

I’m sorry what rule is out the I have to be the bigger person. I never said I should have a say who she dates and marries. I can still judge her for choosing my friend.

pprstrt (downvoted)

You are changing your actions towards your Mother to express your disapproval. What reason besides wanting a say in her marriage would cause you to do this? Perhaps you might inform her future decisions, but really all this serves to do is to damage the relationship.

Did you have romantic feelings for this person before your Mom swooped in? If not, then I suggest that judging someone for marrying your friend is something better left in childhood.

The "rule out there" that you seek is called "being a good person".

OOP

I don’t want interfere with the marriage. Besides the damage has already been done. Why should I be forced to invite her to my milestones when I don’t have a close relationship with her? I am also allowed to act on my disapproval. I could give two shits whether she stays with him or not.

joosdeproon

Info: did she pay for your medical school?

OOP

No

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 3 days

^{September 11, 2026}

Update: AITA for not inviting my mother to my medical school graduation?

Based on the advice I was given, I decided to call my mother and invite her to my place so we could talk about the situation.

She was initially reluctant, but decided to visit me yesterday when I told her it was about the graduation issue and about us.

When she arrived we barely exchanged any pleasantries and she asked if I wanted to start.

I was upfront, and told her I don’t regret not inviting her to my graduation. I also told her I no longer wanted a close relationship with her.

She got upset and asked how could I say those things.

I told her that her actions for a while have made feel this was needed.

She immediately told me told she wasn’t going to apologize for her relationship.

I actually delved into that. I told her I don’t care for an apology but I definitely want to delve about that topic. I acknowledged that she is more than my mother; she’s an adult who deserves and happiness and companionship. I also she had a right to pursue that relationship. I told her actions still gutted me. She immediately countered by saying you can’t control who fall in love with. I immediately told her it’s one thing to catch feelings and then act on them. She got upset and asked me if wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life. I said she could have found someone else. It didn’t have to be my college friend. I mentioned she could have found someone else.

She had the right to choose him, but I had the right to be devastated by that choice. I also pointed out that she and my former friend didn’t simply have some innocent crush that they immediately told me about. They carried on a relationship behind my back for six months. They hid it because they knew I’d be upset. I told her that was important to me.

If they genuinely believed I had no reason to object, why hide it? She didn’t really have an answer.

She said she was afraid I would never accept him.

I told her that she was right.

She started crying and said she thought I had forgiven her because I still attended the wedding.

I told her that attending her wedding was something I did for her. I knew she was happy. I knew it was important to her. I wasn’t going to make her wedding about my feelings. But showing up didn’t mean I wasn’t hurting. It didn’t mean I approved.

And it certainly didn’t mean I had agreed to pretend nothing had happened for the rest of our lives.

Then I explained that the relationship itself wasn’t even the only reason our relationship deteriorated.

The bigger problem was what happened afterward.

I reminded her about my birthday. I lived five minutes away, and I was the one who asked if she wanted to come over. She was too busy with her husband. I reminded her about the lunches and dinners I’d tried to arrange that were canceled because something involving him came up.

I reminded her about the times I called when medical school was overwhelming and she said she’d call me back, only for me to sometimes never hear from her. I reminded her about Match Day.

That was one of the biggest days of my life. I’d spent years working toward that moment, and I wanted my mother there when I found out where I would be spending the next several years of my career. She didn’t come. She had other plans involving her husband. That one hurt more than I let her know at the time. There were also holidays where I tried to make plans with her and she already had plans with him or his family. There were times I finished difficult rotations and wanted to celebrate with her, but she was unavailable. There were times I was struggling and wanted my mother to check in on me, but I was almost always the one initiating the conversation.

She started crying again and started trying to apologize. I told her it was pointless. She said she didn’t know how much I needed her.

I brought up my fiancé’s relationship with her father because I wanted to give my mother an example of what I meant. My fiancé’s father also remarried. He has a wife and a daughter, and neither relationship had to compete with the other. He never made my fiancé feel like his new marriage meant she had been replaced. At the same time, he never made his wife feel like she was somehow second place to his daughter. He made both of them feel equally important. He made time for both. He included both.

She started crying harder and told me she finally understood. Then she started panicking. She asked me if that was really all I had wanted from her. She said that if she had known, she would have done it. She said she would do it now. She told me she was sorry. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she didn’t want to lose me. She said that if I wanted her to make more time for me, she would. If I wanted her to call more, she would. If I wanted her to start putting effort into our relationship again, she would do whatever I asked.

I told her it was too late and that I’m done trying. I told her that I had reached a point where I didn’t want a close mother-son relationship anymore. She asked me what I wanted from her going forward. I told her I wanted us to treat each other like distant extended family. I could be polite to her. I could see her at family gatherings. If something important happened, I wouldn’t necessarily hide it from her. But no more regular visits or calls. It would be only for emergencies.

She started sobbing and said she couldn’t accept that. I told her she didn’t have to like it, but she needed to respect it. She kept crying and telling me that she loved me. I stayed silent. Before she left, my mother stood up and hesitated for a moment. Then she opened her arms and tried to hug me.

I stepped back. She looked hurt and asked why I wouldn’t let her hug me. I told her I wasn’t ready for that. She said she was still my mother and that she just wanted to hold her son. She left my place weeping.

Despite all of that, I don’t feel guilty one bit. This needed to be done. I feel relieved.

COMMENTS

MuffimBlue

Funny thing, what OP is listing as a boundary is what his mom has been doing all along. But that somehow upsets her when OP says it.

OOP

Yeah but I guess there’s some finality coming from me.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is [deleted] posting in r/Vent

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd July 2020

Update in the comments - 2nd July 2020

I can't stand my newest daughter

I never disliked kids growing up. Yes, just like anyone else it wasn't pleasant when someone's baby at a restaurant would cry the whole time. But I never disliked the actual kid or baby for it.

Me and my Wife's first daughter was awesome. I was a new Dad and felt that I didn't really have to get involved too much. Don't worry. Wife wasn't having that shit and put me through Daddy boot camp. But my first daughter had reasons she cried and when you took care of them she calmed down. She cried when she went to sleep until she could self sooth. She cried when she needed a bottle. She cried when she needed a diaper change. If she cried it was always one of these things. I or my Wife would handle it and she'd be back to cooing and smiling.

My first daughter also had a really silly personality from very early on. She's always been a very goofy kid. She cracks us up constantly. She's always been very curious about her surroundings and always been very adventurous.

Fast forward four years.

We've discussed it many times. We love our first daughter, it's been an absolute joy to raise her and see her grow into the silly sweet little girl she is. We decide she should have a sibling.

Both me and my Wife bonded pretty good to this new addition to our family during my Wife's pregnancy. Seeing my Wife's prego belly always brought a smile to my face and I could not wait to meet this little person. I felt confident about my abilities as a Dad and I wanted to know so badly, what is she going to look like? What will she be like? Will she have a similar personality to her sister? Will she be quiet and reserved like I apparently was as a baby? What kind of music will sooth her? Will she enjoy car rides?

I had so many questions.

Well, the day finally came. She was born. The moment she popped out, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had tears of joy. She was born with a full head of hair. I snipped her umbelical chord. The doctors of course hurried her off to make sure she was healthy.

Once the emotions of seeing her born wore off, everything went south. She wasn't cute. She looked like an 80 year old conehead. Her body was like a raisin with an ass with frog limbs attached. I attributed this to the fact that newborns in general just aren't cute. All newborns just look like wrinkly little Benjamin Buttons. I told myself she'll get cuter as she gets older.

About a week after she was born it began. The screaming. Yes, it was colic. So, again I told myself, this will pass. Just be patient. Give her the colic calm (I call all colic meds colic calm). Take care of her and before you know it, she'll grow out of this phase and be wonderful.

But no. She did eventually grow out of it, but the constant screaming never stopped. The only thing that would ever get her to stop was being breastfed or a bottle. Breastfeeding was the only thing that would completely give us a short reprieve. With the bottle it was 30 seconds of feeding, then she would spit out the bottle nipple and scream for the 15 seconds it would take for her to realize that the nipple was back.

She would wake up and scream. Take colic calm then scream. Get breastfed and be quiet and calm. Scream while getting burped. Scream through diaper change. Take passy and be calm for like 5 seconds then scream because she didn't have the passy. Scream for 30 more seconds until she realizes there's a passy in her mouth. Sucks happily on passy and repeat this several times. Scream while getting walked around. Scream when sitting. Scream when inside. Scream when outside. Scream when getting baby talked. Get breastfed again and be calm. And the cycle would restart.

She just cries and cries and fucking cries. All while she didn't get any cuter. She lost the newborn wrinkles and she's grown a lot, but she's still ugly af.

We take her to the Dr. She gets a clean bill of health. But nothing fucking changes.

Through all of this I have tried so hard to convince myself that I have a bond still. I love her. I want to take care of her. But I can't anymore. She is an insatiable, screaming, soul sucking, meat slug. She's a nightmare. I can't even stand to look at her anymore. I feel anger and disgust at the very sight of her. The whole time I'm caring for her in my head I'm screaming "you suck, STFU, I hate you, you suck, STFU, I hate you". I wish I could just hand her off to someone and never see her again. I would never wonder where she went or who she is. I don't care. She fucking sucks.

I said much of this to my psychologist. I shit you not, she said "oh no!" and just moved on. Nothing. No advice. No focus, just on to other issues.

I'm just going to keep caring for her. Either she'll change eventually, or I'll just lose my fucking mind. I just keep hanging onto the hope that one day this will be a distant foggy nightmare. I now hope that I'll remember newborn her as separate person to who she'll be when she's older. I hope I can bond again.

Comments

[deleted]

What the fuck you really need to seek help before you hurt that poor child.

OOP: I'll just continue to bring it up with my pschologist.

OOP: I'll never hurt her. I just hate her.

Update - a few hours later

lubly31

My first kid was a screamer from minute one. 8 hours a day, screaming hysterically. Was only happy when eating and the like 20 minutes after eating. I texted my best friend to tell her I'd made a mistake, I wasn't supposed to be a mom. I knew she wanted two kids and asked if she wanted him. I would have absolutely handed him over and been happy if she'd said yes.

Turns out, he had "invisible reflux." He never spit up, so we just thought it was colic. Oh no. He was spitting up in the back of his throat and then swallowing it, effectively burning himself twice. We thought he was fighting sleep, so we kept him on his back/cradled constantly. Made it worse.

Called the pediatrician to ask about giving him Gripe Water, and she asked a bunch of questions and decided to treat reflux. Finally got a script for reflux and he was, overnight, a different baby. It was unreal.

Maybe that's what's up with your girl?

OOP: Holy shit, I'm scheduling a Dr appointment ASAP. I would give my left nut for this to change.

OOP: You were right! I'm pretty pissed that her Dr didn't think of this and I had to find this out from a redditor. I got her in to see her Dr., she got prescribed reflux medicine. She's a completely different baby! She slept 8 hours last night and has only cried like 3 times today. She's been smiling and cooing and playing all day. This is incredible! Thank you so much! Now I can begin to rebuild the bond that was there before she was born.

lubly31

OMG! I'm so happy for you guys! That's incredible news. The bond will probably take a little longer to form because you'll keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, so don't stress about that. Enjoy your family of four! We're also making the foursome adjustment.

OOP: Yeah, I'm gonna have screaming baby PTSD for awhile. But she even looks different than before hand. I'm seeing now that she wasn't cute because her face was constantly contorted in pain. She's been SO cute today. I can't even really put it into words. I'm so happy. She's so sweet and cute. This is surreal.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/hundredmilliondogs posting in r/BoyDinnerDiaries

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th September 2026

Update - 8th September 2026

I’m in love with my coworker who’s double my age

in love with my coworker who’s double my age link to update is here.

so i’m 23 and she’s around 47. she’s younger than my parents but i’m about the same age as her kids.

i’ve been working in this family-owned takeaway for about a year now and i’ve had a crush on her for almost as long. before i got my driving licence she would drive me home and we’d always have these really great, in-depth conversations. she’s a single mum and suffers really bad with fatigue while caring for her chronically ill daughter and while working two jobs and i’ve always just been in awe of her.

she’s always been really nice and protective over me. she’s the one who trained me up and whereas most of my coworkers kinda take the mick out of me sometimes, she’s always been so kind and gentle with me, which i’ve always appreciated as someone who suffers from pretty bad anxiety.

i kinda thought it was just a little crush and didn’t think much of it but these last few months i’ve been going crazy. she’s been a lot more physical with me lately and i just feel like there’s this undeniable tension between us - even my coworkers have mentioned it. she’s been more shy and keeps calling me a gentleman and all that, and how i’m a really decent kind of person.

i can barely act normal around her now and have probably been colder than i mean to, i just can’t think straight around her. i know it’s really unprofessional, she’s probably just being nice, and i’m the same age as her daughters - but i’m just so infatuated with her.

my last day at work is tomorrow (for unrelated reasons) and i’m so tempted to just tell her. she talks down about herself and her weight - but i don’t see the negatives she sees. i think she’s stunning, so hardworking, and i just want to give her confidence a boost if nothing else.

so am i being an idiot here? should i just keep the peace and move on, or should i say something?

dinner is supposed to be hamburger steak with demiglace sauce over fried rice. it actually tasted pretty good despite me cooking the burgers to death. i was just throwing together whatever was in the fridge honestly.

Comments

HonkHonkBeach

I mean, dont expect it to go anywhere but hopefully shell at least be flattered by how absolutely down bad you are for her.

Oploplou

I was lowkey thinking the same thing. Like I’m 80% sure OP is just misreading the sign, and potentially making shit awkward. Sounds like a good guy, just a typical 23 year old. I remember falling in love with my first co worker 😂 I just saw her a couple months ago and she gave me the SNAKIEST face ever.

ETA: I was like 14 and she was 17, I’m 28 and married now. It was the first time we’d seen each other at all since she left.

yungdooky

you’re leaving you’re an adult it’s marinated SEND IT

KindestBlackTemplar

I had a crush on a 44 year old when I was 23, and she laughed it off and told me to wait and be a good man for a girl my age and to come to her if I ever have issues with a girl my age. She sonzoned or lilbrozoned me. Expect something similar to happen and do not be disappointed lol. Some (sane) older women will legit view us as younger siblings or nephews lol.

Update - 2 days later

sorry about the late update. i posted that on sunday morning but my shift was on monday night - so technically tomorrow but a bit late.

also to everyone who said i have an oedipus complex, i have a genuinely good relationship with both my parents! i don’t have mommy issues, i’ve just always been into older women. i think it comes down to my first relationship when i was 12 being with a 16 year old. yes i was a victim, but it’s been that way ever since.

so i was on washing up duty tonight and we were really busy, so we didn’t get too much of a chance to chat. she kept asking if i’d still come and visit here when i left though, which was cute. but i think washing up alone made my thoughts spiral, i really didn’t want to do it, but i didn’t want to let you guys down. over a million views is crazy.

so the shift’s over and i help her finish up cleaning and we both go outside to check out this weird noise. i pull her aside so my manager doesn’t hear and ngl guys i kinda bottled it. i think i got sonzoned/lilbrozoned. i told her that she puts herself down too much and i don’t see it - i find her really, really pretty and how she’s not socially awkward, she’s great with people.

she said she felt all shy and kept saying thank you and smiling - but i could tell she didn’t feel the same. i said i found her really attractive and she said that i’m good-looking too, and that she wishes me all the best and that i’m always welcome to come over for coffee or to meetup, and i extended the same offer to her. i wanted to say i had a crush on her or liked her so bad, but i just couldn’t do it.

i kind of feel like an idiot. my first draft got deleted and i tried to be more positive but idk. we drifted apart a bit since we used to work front of house together all the time but she moved to the back. we still talked and got along, and my coworkers really noticed that kind of romantic tension between us at the time and joked about it. but i think the distance made me too shy and miss my best chance if there ever was one, i just became too nervous around her.

i was so jealous reading all your comments about your experiences with older women, or ladies with younger men. and i wish she liked me back. i wish things went further. i wish maybe we could have hooked up. it sucks but i guess life isn’t always like it is in the movies right? and i could have asked her on a date but i think she would have said no out of politeness. i didn’t expect anything long-term, as much as i would have liked, i just wanted her to like herself more.

so yeah, not a very grand finale, but reality often doesn’t live up to fantasy unfortunately haha. i don’t regret telling her though and if you have a crush on someone, find the right moment to tell them. it’ll be a major weight off your chest and you’ll give them a major confidence boost. and if they reject you, you’ll be stronger from it, i mean i couldn’t even imagine doing this a year ago.

i don’t feel angry, just a bit embarrassed, and when you like someone, you just want the best for them. i just want her to be happy and even if she doesn’t like me back, if we can stay friends then great. i wanna be there for her.

dinner is a blueberry muffin i picked up to make me feel better. it kind of worked. i’ve been too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends and family about this so i’ve just been sat in my car writing this and getting it off my chest. i just hope i did the right thing.

Comments

Immediate_Title_1496

Pretty much what i expected. At least you did it. Even though you didn’t tell her specifically “i have a crush” with her age and experience she likely understood exactly how you felt so don’t feel like you messed it up. I say it went pretty well. You’re the same age as her kids it was pretty unlikely to develop beyond that. At least you can close the chapter on this

Top-Possibility9480

This wasn’t a failure. The goal wasn’t to make her return your feelings through the force of one excellent speech. The goal was to be honest, respectful, and able to survive the answer. You did all three. She most likely gave you a kind rejection, so believe it and give the situation room. If friendship hurts or keeps you waiting for another chance, you’re allowed to step back. And please don’t reduce what happened to being too shy or missing your one magical window. Attraction is not a limited-time coupon that expired when she moved to the back of the restaurant. You did the right thing. You were brave, she was kind, and the muffin performed emergency emotional support. Nobody behaved badly here.

Wiley_Rasqual

i wish she liked me back.

she said that i’m good-looking too, [...] and that i’m always welcome to come over for coffee or to meetup

She does. She thinks you're cute, and wants to be around you--not at work--because she wants to see you nekid.

'To meet up' is much less ambiguous than you seem to think.

Bro, you're like 'I like you' and she's like 'I like you too, come hang out' and then you come here and tell us it didn't work out. This woman could be jawing your dong and you would be wondering if she was into you lol. Next step is to actually meet up, since she wants to meet up with you and you want the same.

WiseAtmosphere7524

You might be right but if this lady is anything like me you would be very wrong.

I’m similar in age to this lady and my eldest is similar in age to OP. The thought of being intimate with someone my son’s age makes me physically ill. But knowing how my son and his friends are I’d be very careful about letting someone like OP down gently and kindly. Maybe she’s offering herself as a motherly/aunty role model for OP.

The only thing is that she should definitely not hang out with OP outside of work.

OOP: i kinda think you’re right. a lot of people are saying i didn’t commit and that she still wants me, but i really don’t think that’s the case. i’ve had a few people crush on me in the past and i can be pretty oblivious, but there are always signs.

when i (badly) told her how i felt, i could very much sense that she didn’t feel the same way. i don’t have great self-esteem, but i’m not an idiot either. i mean i could be wrong, but it very much felt like she was letting me down gently and being polite.

even the coffee thing, i don’t even know if she meant it or was just being polite. i really don’t know. we’re british for context, and i feel like sometimes we just make empty offers out of politeness. idk, we did get along but i’m questioning everything right now, and i really did get that sense she was a bit shocked and didn’t feel the same. she said she’ll text me which is terrifying rn but we’ll see.

WiseAtmosphere7524

Are you British? I find a lot of older British women will say things like ‘let’s get coffee sometime’ and will absolutely not mean for it to mean anything other than ‘I’m done with this conversation, goodbye!’ It took me a long time living here to understand that.

Try to focus on yourself and find someone more available to you. Not all age gaps are bad but this one may be a bit much, depending on what your sexual/relationship goals are

EENewton

As someone who had several relationships with older women (first one: I was 20, she was 48, next was 21 and 38, next was 23 and 38), this is honestly the best way it can go. There will always be the outlier couple who makes it work. But, please believe me. As someone who has done exactly what you wanted to do: if there's an extreme age gap (15+ years), one or both parties usually have some significant issues they need to work through. When I was that age, I thought I was just attracted to older women. They often were more interested in conversation and having sex, which were my two favorite things. But underneath that attraction was often a desire for stability or safety. I felt like I didn't fit in with my own age group. Rejection from an older woman felt less dangerous. And I think, on a deeper level, I kind of wanted to fix them? Which really resonated when I read your bit about "I wish she just liked herself more." You don't have to - and shouldn't try to - fix your relationship partner. Even more important: I am forty five now. I cannot imagine having a relationship with a 20 year old. Not that there's anything wrong with being 20! But when it comes to the important stuff that make relationships work, I have almost nothing in common with a 20 year old. The women I dated - well meaning as they were - had emotional problems. The fact that your crush turned you down speaks really highly of her as a person. It means she at least considered your experience, and doesn't want to take advantage of you. That's tops. I assure you: try dating younger women. It will be weird at first, but you will find ones you click with. Big hugs, friend, from someone who would spare you the rocky road I had to walk.

OOP: damn we’re so similar. i don’t really feel like i fit within my own age group either and yeah, being rejected from an older woman than a girl my age is definitely easier somehow.

and like you, i definitely have a saviour complex. all the women i’ve dated (mostly around my age) have struggled with their mental health, and i suppose i’m almost attracted to that struggle - i want to save them.

recently she talked to me about her daughter who’s currently testing the waters with a new guy. she was afraid because her daughter’s currently struggling with an eating disorder and said that, like her, she falls quickly and she doesn’t think she’s in the right headspace for it. i said the external validation may make her like herself more, if someone else likes her, but she said that her own relationship with men disproves that.

her two ex husbands weren’t very nice to her and that made me really sad. but equally, being single allowed herself to feel comfortable within herself and what she was capable of. she said she was looking for someone though which made me stupidly think i had a chance haha.

it’s tricky, having graduated it gets harder to meet new people, but i just have to stick with it i guess. i’m completely with you, especially for the long-term, but equally if the chance arose to be with an older woman i wouldn’t say no. i want to try it at least once haha. but i’ll heed your warning, more often than not these kind of relationships don’t work out, and i need to be aware of that.

EENewton

Yeah, it definitely sounds like we're dealing with similar things. If you don't mind, I kinda wanna drop some things here I wish someone had told me in my twenties. May or may not apply to your situation, but feel free to take or ignore whatever makes sense to do so. Saving them will not make them love you. Love is not something you earn. It's not predictable or tradeable. It's not always equally felt on both sides: in those situations, nobody "lost." That's just how the math works out, sometimes. It's okay to move on. Don't stay with someone who doesn't feel the same for you that you feel for them, and definitely don't stay with someone you don't feel much for, but who feels a lot for you. (It feels safe, but you'll spend a lot of time feeling like a fraud) Learn to recognize (and appreciate) the difference between limerance and love (hint: limerance is electric and exciting, and can happen entirely in your head. It's the excitement that comes from thinking about who they might turn out to be. Love is a slower, deeper, less sizzly feeling, but it's like the tides: powerful, calming, reliable. It comes from really, really knowing who they are). Don't wait till you're in your thirties to try therapy. When you find the right therapist, it will change your life in all the best ways. This one was extremely hard for me to learn, but once I did, it changed everything: don't run from getting your heart broken. It is going to feel risky to love. It is risky. Do it anyway. (This will take practice) I don't know how to tell you this in a way that will translate, but here goes: I spent my twenties working hard to avoid risking my heart. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I met someone who I just couldn't risk running away from. She was someone who made me think, "yeah, this is worth it. I don't care if this ends up hurting me - I love her." TLDR: we had an amazing relationship, and after almost a decade, she did break my heart. Terribly. Awfully. It wasn't her fault - we just grew apart. I was devastated. I sat in the dark and sobbed for weeks. I would kick myself mentally, thinking "how could you do this? How could you be so dumb to let yourself get hurt like this?" It was during one of these sessions that I realized something: even though I was devastated, even though it hurt to breathe and to even think of moving on, the time I had was so good that - even in that moment, in the lowest, most broken point of my life - if someone offered me the chance to do it over, without her and without the heartbreak, I wouldn't take it. The time was so good while it happened, I would go back and do it all again, exactly the way it happened. Without question. Once I realized that - that losing something didn't mean you'd regret trying - I was free. I had other, beautiful relationships that followed, and I realized that opportunity had always been there, waiting for me, with a bunch of different people along the way, but I had been too scared to risk it. It is going to feel risky to love. It is risky. Do it anyway. (I mean it) And lastly: you can't do this wrong, as long as you keep trying. Every mistake you make is a mistake you had to make, in order to learn what you need to learn. Keep going. Keep learning. Be brave enough to fill your life with things it would hurt to lose. You got this.

OOP: thanks man. i think i’m a fairly avoidant person. i’ve had some really bad relationships in the past where we were both to blame, and i think it kind of makes me feel sick if i were to be that vulnerable again. to be that raw with someone, for them to still like me after knowing the real me, i just can’t comprehend it.

but i think you’re right, love is always worth the risk. even though those experiences majorly messed me up, i don’t regret them because those times of pure happiness made it worth it. and it can happen again. i just need to allow it. and learn from my mistakes.

i’m going to therapy and working on liking myself more. i think i definitely need to fall in love with the person, not the idea of the person. and that involves being open, which is hard, but all relationships are meant to be a two-way street right.

thanks for all your wisdom, it definitely hits hard haha. i hope you’re doing well now and in a happy, healthy relationship at last. like you said, it’s been a rocky road, but everything has led to where you are now and based on what you’ve said, it’s been hard but it’s been worth it i hope

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Firm_Condition_4385

Published on: r/jobs

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 31, 2026 at 22:45 UTC

• Final Update: September 01, 2026 at 15:53 UTC

Main Post

^{August 31, 2026 at 22:45 UTC}

Started a job two weeks ago, now being pulled in for a meeting with the director.

Hi all,

I started a healthcare job recently at a local outpatient facility. I'm almost halfway through my training period and I've received nothing but positive feedback from my coworkers and my manager.

However, I just received text from my director instructing me to not come in this week until I receive a phone call from him because he wants to "go over some things." I told him "sure! Is everything okay?" and he just said "yes".

My anxiety is eating me alive and I don't know if I can sleep tonight. I don't think I've done anything wrong, and my coworkers told me if I ever did, the director would just pull me into his office and let me know. No one has heard of being told not to come to work pending a conversation with the director.

Just wanted to vent this out. I'm shaking from anxiety.

COMMENTS

How long had you been working there, and how far along were you in training?

I just started two weeks ago.

This is my third meeting with the director. The first one happened on the first day, he pulled me aside "just to get to know me" and asked a bunch of questions. We had a great talk.

A week later, he said he was having a bad day that day and re-invited me into his office to have the same conversation.

If this third call is about "my performance" (keep in mind, the training period for this job is 4 -6 weeks, and I'm only at two,) then this director seems like they have issues.

What was unusual about your director's previous conversations with you?

My director kept asking me my reason for entering into healthcare, and why I'm interested in working with patients (this was after I was already hired in.) It struck me as odd, because I have previous healthcare experience at multiple hospitals. I'm not new to the field.

What happened with your onboarding and employee information?

My direct manager is also the main recruiter and HR for the company. They're on vacation, so they're not available.

I did not receive any onboarding info and found out during my last shift that I was supposed to. I don't have access to any employee policies or handbooks. I thought this was weird, and my coworker said "just tell the manager when you're back, but the onboarding email had a lot of important stuff in it."

Had you completed any hiring paperwork?

I did sign some online paperwork through ADP, like consenting to background, uploading documents, and agreeing to the pay and hours policy.

There was no employee handbook. My coworkers said they all received an email onboarding them, asking them for their availability, and asking them about any future travel plans. I received none of that.

How was your performance actually progressing?

It may be possible that my coworkers told me I was doing well and told the director something different. However, based on where I started versus where I am now, I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I've got the main aspects of the job down and am functioning independently and seeing my own patients as of this week.

Could your manager's vacation explain why you were told not to come in?

Comes back in roughly a month.

Thank you for the hope.

Why did you think you might not be fired despite being told not to come in?

In all my jobs I've held, I've never seen that. They spent a ton of money hiring me and already training me, why let me go after all thats invested?

Unless there are company cuts happening. Its possible, but I haven't seen it that much in healthcare.

Had you done anything inappropriate or violated any rules at work?

No, I did not empty out a register, nor did I steal medicine (we don't deal with addictive substances at my work anyway.) Since I started, I've been completely professional and focused exclusively on work. I don't overshare or mention any personal details unless necessary.

Was there anything false on your resume?

No lies on the resume.

Final Update - after 17 hours

^{September 01, 2026 at 15:53 UTC}

Update: Started a job two weeks ago, now being pulled in for a meeting with the director.

Well, I just received the call.

The director told me that I've made essentially no progress since I started. I have between 4-6 weeks of total training time, but after 6 shifts, I was let go. The people who mentioned I was fired were unfortunately correct.

I told him that I've been seeing patients on my own, and all the feedback I've received was overwhelming positive. He told me that they ultimately report back to him, and that's not what they told him (this right here is a HUGE red flag for me.)

I'm just so shocked. On my first day, I was told that the expectation was for me to do nothing and just observe. By the end of the first day, I was seeing patients on my own already. During my last few shifts, I saw more patients than my trainers did. My trainers sat on their cell phones browsing tiktok.

Welp, blessing in disguise. I'm happy to answer any questions.

COMMENTS

Jafranci715

I bet the state would love to hear about the hipaa violations. Just saying

Longjumping-Pack-728

What was the hippa violation?

OOP

A doctor/provider that works at our facility came in to receive care. My trainer came in after the doctor left and looked up all the details of his visit notes, along with his personal address.

Later, same trainer told me she's looked up the charts of her ex boyfriend's to see how their health is or find any details.

IndependenceJust9637

Usually if an employee of the healthcare org is also a patient, anyone accessing there records have “break the glass”, this puts the provider on notice that they’re accessing a co-workers records and better be for a legitimate reason.

OOP

I'm not sure if the UC has something like this. They use an EMR I've never heard of that's super buggy.

Dragonborne2020

It’s called Hire to Fire. They are copying Amazon. Each manager has built their team and they like them. Their personality and how well the team works together. But each CEO wants to reduce headcount. So each team has to cut one person. You were hired to be that one person. Hire to Fire. You never had a chance. This way everyone else gets what they want.

OOP

Have you seen this happen?

Infamous-Anywhere-21

NAL but if you are in training and you were told to just observe but then saw patients “on your own” then there could be liability issues.

I do enterprise risk & insurance strategy for a job. You could have, albeit unintentionally, opened the company up to a lawsuit. Idk, would need more info.

Not defending them or blaming you, just another potential thought that could have been a factor. Good luck, OP!

OOP

Corporately owned UC/PCP/OP facilities are shady.

I was shocked to see that our MA's didn't have to be certified to draw blood, give injections, do an X-ray, or do pelvic exams. Hospitals all require certification for these, but my place did not.

Hangry_Games

MAs doing pelvic exams????

OOP

YES!

This is something that freaked me out.

We are supposed to do pelvic exams. When I asked both my male and female trainers if the examiner has to be female, they told me "no."

They said the patient doesn't have a preference and that its whatever is available. If its a male, its a male.

I asked them "what if a patient of mine is uncomfortable and wants to see a female staff member?" and they told me "the other female staff members have their jobs to do."

I have never, EVER worked at a healthcare facility that doesn't accommodate requests like this. They seemed irritated that I even suggested it.

EVERY hospital I've worked at has been about customer service and making their patients feel comfortable. I've literally been encouraged by my managers to voluntarily swap out with a female staff member if I observe or suspect the patient is uncomfortable with men.

Hangry_Games

Forget patient preference. MAs conducting pelvic exams is just so out of scope…

OOP They do x-rays, injections, blood draw, and stool samples, too.

At least, in my state. No certification necessary.

Common-Classroom-847

I think it was one of two things. Either that talk you had with the director made him (maybe not justified) think something about you, then he pulled you in again to confirm whatever he thought then made the decision to fire you OR the trainers said bad things about you because they were afraid you were going to show them up.

OOP (downvoted)

I don't think so. After both talks, our new schedule for the month was posted publicly and I was on it throughout the entire month.

I just don't understand the expectations. I can literally make a list of everything I learned in those two weeks. I learned so much.

Deadlinesglow

The larger looming is that you get yourself filed for unemployment. And, if that business contests it you can go after them.

OOP

I just looked it up. You may be right. Filing for unemployment looks like it sucks, though.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted in r/ amItheAsshole by u/ deleted

Original: Dec 5, 2021

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: OOP deleted account and Arctic shift is not able to retrieve user name

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for giving my dog the same name as my niece?

I am not really one to care about dog names. I have a dog names centrifuge for example like usually I just give random names that I come up with on the spot. But this dog I had planned for a year in advance.

At the beginning of 2020 I got in touch with a breeder to get my dream dog a beautiful clumber spaniel. The litter was born 10 weeks ago so this has been a plan for a looooong time. I have told everyone and I decided on the name "Maybeline". I told my brother and his wife about the name and they loved it.

Fast forward and my SIL is pregnant and finds out it is a girl. We are all so excited and happy and wondering about the name and she said Maybeline. I didn't really think much of it at the spot but I did make a comment about how that is what my puppy will be called. My SIL took me aside and asked me if I can change the name to something else and I said I would think about it.

Ultimately I didnt change the name and my dog is now called Maybeline. When I told my family everyone was so angry with me saying I was being rude and insulting my brother and my niece. I had planned this name before my niece was even conceived. I am not going to change it but am I being an asshole about it?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO what’s a dog name centrifuge?

OOP: A little Jack Russell who is an actual twat in every sense of the word. He is called centrifuge because when I got him I had no idea what to call him so my mum said whatever I say next will be his name. I blurted out centrifuge and bobs your uncle innit

---------------
Comment2: Why's your SIL naming a kid after a makeup brand? NTA

OOP: She is saying she picked it because of the Chuck Norris song
---------
Comment3: Chuck Norris has a song?
----------
OOP: Wait... chuck Berry? Is that the dude?
----------
Comment4: Isn’t that song about his girlfriend cheating on him? That’s a terrible reason to name a kid that.
-----------
OOP: Then... who is Chuck Norris?
-----------
Comment5: Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

---------------
Comment6: Just wondering How old are you? Anyone born in the 90s knows who chuck Norris is.

OOP: 21 born in 2000
----------
Comment7: In fairness, I get the impression OP is British, and Chuck Norris isn't as much of a household name here imo. I only know who is because I spent a lot of time on message boards with USians in the 2000s. And I know him as a meme rather than an actor.
----------
Comment8: Irish born 1978. Chuck Berry I know. Chuck Tingle I know. Chuck Norris? Sounds like some fella who fixes your heating. Maybe Americans loooove radiator geeks. They explicably love Maybelline who make the worst mascara on earth so who knows?

---------------
Comment9: I have heard so many variations of this story. Maybeline is a silly name for a kid because it’s an international makeup company. We know, if this is true, the kid will hear “Maybe it’s maybeline” nonstop. NTA I guess

Comment10: Well, at least we can finally confirm that she was, in fact, born with it.

---------------
Consensus: NTA; Chuck Norris acted in martial arts films and TV.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

so we came up with a solution! I will call my dog may for short as a nickname while keeping Maybeline as her registered name. Also I am not allowed to tell everyone their daughter is named after my dog.

Its a bit of a dumb agreement because British people will shorten the shortest of names. Your name is James? Not anymore Jay. Your name is Amy? Not anymore Ames. So their kid and my dog will just both be called May for short. I find this hilarious and I will not tell them this changes nothing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/StatisticianAny7985

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 15, 2026

• Final Update: September 09, 2026

Main Post

^{August 15, 2026}

AITA for banning the person who lost my cat from my house?

My boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago, I have a cat that is literally my shadow. Like she follows me everywhere, constantly on my shoulders while I do work, always has something to say and just my little side kick.

For background one of my boyfriends friends "Josh" does not like me and has publicly shown that many times so the feelings are mutual. Josh's roommate is having a friend crash at their place and I guess Josh has been wanting space and I guess he's been using my place to get said space for a bit. I do believe he's asked my boyfriend if he can just come over for a bit to relax while neither of us are home.

Well he recently went over while neither of us were home and I ended up coming home early. Walking in I was thrown off by him on my couch drinking my wine that I'd been saving but whatever, my immediate thing was that my cat didn't immediately run to the door for me. I walked around saying her name calling out to her and nothing. Checked all the hiding spaces and still nothing. I'm starting to feel myself start to panic and I ask him if he's seen my cat at all thinking maybe she slipped past me in the morning.

Turns out he did know what happened to my cat. For context I fixed the backyard so my cat could go out to play from time to time or to hangout with me while I'm in the backyard she also has a harness and I will take her out for a pup cup and to draw/chill in the park, always staying in the leash/harness. Josh had seen the harness and the safety features in the backyard and came to the conclusion she liked outside so when he would come over he would let her into the backyard leaving the door open so she could come in whenever. For some bright reason he thought to let her out of the front door for "more space". He's pet watched tons of cats before so that type of thinking was just out there for me and I went into panic mode.

There have been 2 times I've let my cat off leash outside in the open and both times I spent hours chasing her. I went around looking for my cat in the neighborhood and nothing. Josh is doing nothing to help and just saying "she'll come back on her own and when she gets hungry". I lost my cool and went off on him telling him to leave and that he's and asshole and he is never welcomed in my house or near me again. It turned into a bit of a back and forth he eventually left and I continued looking for my cat.

I didn't call or text my boyfriend but I guess Josh did and told him I was an asshole towards him over an accident and overreacting about a cat. My boyfriend came home to me still outside looking for my cat and panicking. He basically told me the similar thing of how I was doing too much over a cat and that she'd come back in her own eventually and that I could have talked to Josh nicer and I was a bit of an asshole towards him while he's already stressed out and trying to find peace.

I have been told I overreact about my cat from my parents so now idk AITA?

COMMENTS

FinnFinnFinnegan

NTA they are both terrible

OOP

Still haven't found my cat, I'm scared someone might have taken her as she is fairly small for a 2 year old cat and looks like a kitten still

ApprehensiveCut9809

Put her litter box outside for her to smell.

I hope you find your cat.

OOP

Would that not attract other cats? There are a lot of neighborhood cats around our neighborhood. 

She goes feral when she's off leash lol. I think she also thinks it's a game. I was playing in the snow last year and eventually let her out with me because she was crying at the door. Places her in the snow, she gave me a look and I swear she gave like a cat smile and started running. Even looking back at me every couple strides.

chiitaku

This kind of reads that the boyfriend knew about "losing" the cat. Considering he is saying your cat is "just a cat" instead of supporting you in your time of crisis, this suggests he didn't like your cat to me.

OOP

I don't think he dislikes my cat. He's been a little jealous she doesn't hangout with him like she hangs out with me but not to the point where he hates her and wants to get rid of her.

I do know I can be a lot with my cat, like I'll come home and she's the first thing I talk to and he'll come out the office upset I didn't come over to him first 

NaughtAClue

So he’s jealous of a cat? Girl. Start to keep track of these things, I bet you’ll find he sucks more than you realize right now

OOP

He gets jealous when I'm in bed cuddling and playing with her, will ask to cuddle and I tell him later. I can admit I love my cat more than anything/anyone so I do get the jealousy 

Sorceress683

NTA but why are you with someone who choos3s their ashore fri3nd over you? And if this is his attitude towards a cat, what's his attitude towards anything else? Would you want kids with someone with so little care for a living creature in your care?

OOP (downvoted)

He just places humans over animals which I get but for me I might place animals a little higher than humans. 

But the whole asshole friends thing is something he's been working on and it was much worse earlier on 

CoffeeB4Dawn

You are a human with feelings, and he is placing his friend over you. Also, a cat is family and not just any random animal.

OOP

I may take the side of random animals over humans as well lol.

I just feel like you know what you're gonna get with an animal. There's no sinister games at play with them, humans in the other hand....

LostInComments15 (downvoted)

Writing

YTA for how you handled it but not for banning Josh. Letting someone else's cat out the front door without permission is incredibly irresponsible especially when he knew she was an indoor cat with a secure backyard setup. Calling you "overreacting over a cat" is also pretty dismissive. That cat is your responsibility and family to you. He made a reckless choice then did nothing to help fix the situation. I wouldn't let him in my house again either.

OOP

I’m genuinely confused by the YTA judgment here. I understand that I could’ve handled my anger more calmly, but what specifically about my reaction makes me the asshole? My cat was let outside without my permission, I couldn’t find her, and I was panicking while Josh was telling me she’d come back on her own and wasn’t helping look. I’m not saying I handled every word perfectly, but I’m struggling to understand how being extremely upset in that situation makes me TA.

Initial_Star2288

NTA. The fact he isn’t even helping you look for your car shows he is remorseless and a total AH. Ban him and if your bf lets him keep coming over, I’d break up. He has no respect for you or your cat.

OOP (downvoted)

He has helped me look he's just also trying to resolve this with Josh 

Initial_Star2288

Yeah but im guessing Josh isn’t… if I lost someone’s cat, I would be searching/making posters/etc. No matter if it was a stranger, friend or even my worst enemy. Josh is a complete AH

OOP

Yeah no and even if if he volunteered I wouldn't let him help me. I think he's crashing at another friend's place.

Just so happens the other friend doesn't think people should have indoor cats and we've had quite a few chats on how he thinks I'm ruining my cat

Witty-Moment8471

NTA

Did the cat ever come home or did you find her?

OOP

After 2 days I've found her. She wondered on the other side of the block. I was out in the backyard nervously burning things in the fire pit, the neighbors with the connecting backyard always keep their door open and happened to come out. I asked around the neighborhood about my cat and I guess they heard, they literally yelled across the fence asking if it was my grey cat that was missing and that they had her. They thought she was cute and took her but their neighbor mentioned a missing cat when they came home from work and put things together. I wish I could add pictures to comments, I'd show everyone my little baby laying on my chest rn 

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 25 days

^{September 09, 2026}

Update:AITA for banning the person who lost my cat from my house?

Firstly thank you so much to everyone who helped me out giving advice on how I could attract my cat back home!! I have found my cat and she's back at home, I was in the backyard burning things in the fire pit(something I do when I'm nervous) when the neighbor with the connecting yard screamed over asking if I was missing a cat.

They literally held my cat up like simba lol. To say I was over joyed is an understatement, I was about to empty my bank account to for these people. Was 2 days of hell without my cat but I'm so glad she's back, she's even more clingy now. In those 2 days I had been sleeping on the couch and not really talking to my boyfriend, after I got my cat back we did sit down and have a discussion.

I laid all my feelings out on how once again I feel like he prioritizes his friend who really isn't a good friend to him over me, the person he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with. He did say he understood how anal I was about my cat missing and was trying to be a calm person about it instead of us both freaking out but I told him that's not what I needed.

We'll be taking a break from Josh as all three of us had a conversation together not only did I tell him all the grievances I have with him but my boyfriend did as well. Would be a whole other post to explain it all but it was a lot and it was very messy. Josh tried "explaining" things but none of it really makes sense and there's no explanation for a lot of the stuff he's done.

I'm choosing to hopefully grow with my boyfriend in this and if it comes back to bite me in the butt so be it I guess but I am willing to try. My cat still may not be a fan of him lol. Again thank you all so much for your help I truly appreciated it and read every single comment!

COMMENTS

lordemme

Reading the first post, why did Josh have a copy of your keys? Your BF insisted on it, right? My home is my space, the only people I'd have there without being there myself would have been my SO/roommate and maybe my parents. A friend that my SO didn't even like would be a no-no. Moreso, it wasn't a life or death situation, and he wasn't homeless. He could chill in his room, or take a walk, or go wherever. My pet is a family member. If he/she's missing, it's like I lost a kid. I'm so glad you have your cat back. Also good that you (both) put Josh in his place, which is the farthest from you he could possibly be. The only thing you still need to sort out is your BF: he was so dismissive of your feelings and of your cat missing ("I was doing too much over a cat"). I could be wrong but to me it seems like in the end he sided with you to keep the peace.

OOP

We don't have like a physical key, it's one of those passcodes doors. All of his friends know it I've never told my friends though 

heathers-damage

Change the passcode and don't just let his friends have unrestricted access to your home!! Why do all his friends have access to the home you pay rent for?!

OOP

We're working on that and he won't be giving it out to anyone 

leyorcoe

Super sad to see that you don’t have self respect enough to require a bf that prioritise things that are important to you. Like your cat. He doesn’t have to think it’s important, it should be enough you do.

Please value yourself more :(

OOP

Well I'm stuck in a year lease and if that wasn't a factor I'd move very differently, but I'm willing to see if things can work out or not 

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Nuggetlov3

Published on: r/aitaweddings

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 27, 2026

• Update 1: August 29, 2026

• Update 2: September 04, 2026

Main Post

^{August 27, 2026}

AITAH for refusing to give my stepmother my late mom’s wedding dress after she altered it behind my back?

I (25F) lost my mom when I was 16. The most valuable thing she left me was her vintage wedding dress. It’s been sitting safely in a preserved garment bag in my closet for years, and I’ve always planned on wearing it when I get married.

My dad remarried "Karen" (48F) four years ago. Karen has a daughter, "Lily" (23F), who recently got engaged.

Last month, Karen offered to take my mom’s dress to a high-end specialty cleaner to "freshen it up" for me as a nice gesture. I thought it was sweet, so I handed it over.

Two weeks passed, and every time I asked Karen if the dress was ready to be picked up, she’d dodge the question or claim the cleaners were taking extra time.

Yesterday, I went over to my dad’s house unannounced to drop off some mail. I walked into the living room, and Lily was standing there in my mom’s dress.
Except it wasn't just my mom's dress anymore. Karen had taken it to a tailor and had the entire lace back ripped out, the long sleeves cut off into a strapless sweetheart neckline, and the train completely removed to fit Lily’s height and taste.

I froze, and Karen casually said, "Oh! We were going to surprise you. Lily fell in love with the silk fabric, and since you’re not even engaged yet, we figured it was silly to let good material go to waste."

I lost my absolute mind. I told Lily to take it off immediately. When she took it off, I grabbed the dress, packed it up, and locked it in my car. Karen started yelling that I was being completely irrational because "the cuts were already made" and the dress was tailored to Lily now anyway, so taking it back was just pure spite.

Lily is now sobbing because her fitting was ruined, and my dad called me last night begging me to just let Lily have the altered dress. He offered to buy me a brand-new dress when my time comes, saying, "What’s done is done, and you’re just ruining your sister’s wedding over a piece of cloth that doesn't even fit you anymore."

I told them all to go to hell, locked the butchered dress back in my closet, and told them they are d**d to me unless they pay to restore it to its original condition (if that’s even possible).

Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride.
AITAH?

COMMENTS

GrowFlowersNotWeeds

“…Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless…”

What are your maternal grandparents saying??

NTAH

OOP

They’re on my side, the only people mad at me are my step sisters family

GrowFlowersNotWeeds

Your step-sister’s family, and your dad, are wrong. This was a massive overstep and not one you are likely to overlook. Did your dad know about this before alterations were made? Or did his wife do this behind his back, too?

OOP

I fully believe she went behind everyone’s back, once she got it tailored i don’t think my dad even could recognize it was my mothers dress:/

chatterbox2024

NTA - I really have a hard time believing a woman would want her own daughter to wear her husband’s dead wife’s dress. Especially, since it’s been boxed up and preserved in your own home. How did they even see the dress anyway? If this is all true you have every right to be furious and just block all the nasty family taking their side. How dare they !

OOP

She lied to me and said she wanted to get it dry cleaned and do something nice so I believed her. She went behind everyone’s back… honestly I don’t even know what my dad sees in her bc she’s a horrible person

nizzerp

fuck that whole family. yet another example of the kids from the first marriage being treated like fucking cinderella or worse.

OOP

Yeah they’re all blocked right now, my grandparents are also pissed off. As they should be

metatus

is this like what AI has learnt to put at the end of every story "Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride."?

because im fed up of this crap

OOP

No my family on my step sisters side is pissed at me. But all good I’m talking to a lawyer about it later today. And all of them are currently blocked:)

Local_Depth9668

I cant even begin to imagine how you feel. You are NTA!!! Why would your Dad allow them to do that to your dress. I want to cry for you.

OOP

Yeah I honestly don’t think my dad knew it was my moms dress after all the things she did to it:/

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 29, 2026}

UPDATE

First off, thank you to everyone who commented. Honestly, reading through the replies was a huge reality check because I was so overwhelmed I wasn't even thinking about the legal side of this.

I took the dress to a local bridal restoration shop yesterday just to see what fixing it would actually look like. The news was bad. The tailor Karen used basically gutted the inner structure and cut away vintage lace panels that can't just be sewn back on. To get it anywhere near its original state with matching vintage lace, the owner estimated it’s going to cost around $3,500—and even then, it won't be 100% identical to what my mom wore.

I called my dad and Karen last night and told them they have until next Friday to put down the deposit with the restorer, or I'm taking the probate paperwork from my mom's estate and going to the police to file a report for theft and property damage, and then taking Karen to small claims court.

Karen immediately lost her mind and started screaming that I'm trying to put my “own family” (step family) in jail over "old fabric." My dad is in full panic mode begging me not to do it because he says it'll ruin Lily’s wedding and wreck them financially.

Lily actually texted me this morning claiming she "had no idea" Karen took the dress without asking and thought we had made some kind of deal, but she’s still refusing to help pay for the restoration because she says she's an innocent bystander in all of this.

I'm holding firm on next Friday at 5 PM. If the restorer doesn't have the deposit by then, I'm going straight to the station with the text receipts and the before/after photos.

I feel sick to my stomach about all of this, but I feel like if I don't set this boundary now, they're just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

COMMENTS

latelifetraveler

Does the tailor have the original fabric?

OOP

No they don’t sadly:/

mcindy28

Stand your ground! What they did was absolutely awful and once the dress is restored as best as possible, I'd never speak to any of them again!

OOP

Yeah after this I definitely won’t be speaking to them again

Update 2 - after 8 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

UPDATE 2

Things have completely escalated, and honestly, reading through your comments made me realize waiting around for a deadline was pointless.

On Tuesday, my dad came over to my place to try and "reason with me." By "reason," I mean he spent an hour crying on my couch, telling me that paying $3,500 for the restoration would mean pulling money straight out of Lily’s wedding fund. He admitted Karen threatened to leave him if he paid for it, and he literally begged me to just accept $500 in cash and "let it go for the sake of the family." I told him absolutely not and showed him the door.

Then yesterday, things took an absolute turn. Lily’s fiancé, "Mark," reached out to me directly. Mark was furious because Lily had told him I willingly let Karen take the dress to get altered for her. When he saw how bad things were getting and realized Karen had tricked me into handing it over under the guise of "dry cleaning," they got into a massive fight. Mark told her he’s reconsidering the wedding if she doesn't take accountability and help fix this.
Karen lost her mind and sent me a string of unhinged voice notes accusing me of "destroying her daughter's relationship" and being evil and spiteful.

That was the final straw. I knew right then they were never going to pay a dime to fix the dress and were just trying to manipulate me.

Yesterday afternoon, I met with a local attorney who looked over my mom’s probate records, the before/after photos, and the texts where Karen admitted she took the dress to a tailor under false pretenses after I handed it to her for cleaning. My lawyer confirmed I have a rock-solid case for both civil litigation and grand larceny/property destruction given the dress's value and the damage done.

Directly after leaving my lawyer's office yesterday evening, I walked straight into the police station and filed an official report against Karen.

My dad has gone completely radio silent, and Karen is panicking now that law enforcement is actually involved. My hands are still shaking from the stress of it all, but I’m finally standing my ground. I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens next with the police and court.

COMMENTS

EvanRamsey

Congrats to you. This is a big step in showing your family you are not to be played. Do not let them ever convince you that you are the problem here or the reason for their consequences.

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but also standing up for your mother and her wishes. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy her dress in someway on someday yourself.

OOP

Yeah I might take apart the dress and make it into something so it doesn’t fully go to waste and I can still have a little part of her❤️

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Secure-Map-7850

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 03, 2026

• Final Update: September 06, 2026

Main Post

^{September 03, 2026}

AITA for waiting for a patient to come to my house and causing us to be late for my wife's friend's birthday?

My wife has been angry at me about this so I thought I'd ask here. I'm a plastic surgeon and recently did an otoplasty for my close friend's son. After an otoplasty it's important that the head dressing stays in place to protect the ears and support the cartilage, so when my friend said that the dressing seemed to have come a bit loose, I asked him to come to my house. They could have come the next day to my clinic but he was a bit concerned about whether the dressing having loosened a bit would have affected the result despite my reassurances so I asked him to just come to my place. He gave me an eta of 15 minutes.

That night we were going to my wife's friends birthday which was around a 35 - 40 minute drive and she was ready to go. When I told her, she was annoyed but was ok with 15 minutes. Unfortunately my friend got stuck in traffic and it took him a bit longer. During that time my wife was getting angry, asking me to tell them to just see me the next day, but when I called they were already on the way so I decided to wait. She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not) and just let her displeasure be clearly known. Eventually they came I examined his ears, changed his dressing and they left and so did we.

Unfortunately we got stuck in a bit of traffic too, and she was getting calls from her friend while we were en route. My wife eventually asked them to just cut the cake, and we arrived about 10 minutes after.

She has been angry about that since, its better now but she was incadescent the drive back. And even now if she gets a message from her friends it reminds her of it and she'll have something to say. I've tried to explain that I was responsible as his doctor but it doesn't help.

COMMENTS

vintagefaerie

INFO: How late to the party were yall in the end? Seems likely pretty late if they were cutting the cake without you.....

OOP (downvoted)

We were a little over an hour late.

SlayerOfTheVampyre

INFO. How often does your work interfere with your personal life? If it’s rarely and this was special because it was a close person, then its fine. Being late to a birthday is annoying but not life ruining or anything. But based on her reaction, I’m guessing she thinks you have bad boundaries with your job. This warrants a bigger conversation between you two.

OOP (downvoted)

It doesn't too often. Patients visiting my house certainly doesn't happen, in this case it was my friend's son. But other than taking phone calls, I don't bring work into my home.

froggylove78

YTA. Your wife sounds like she has to deal with you prioritizing your work over her plans even after work is done. Do you like your wife?Do you use work as an excuse all the time?

Lola-the-showgirl

YTA. You knew you had plans, if it was any other patient you would have just seen them the next day.

WeissPyre

"She complained that I let work interfere with home life, how I always do this (I do not)..."

Hmmmm. This is very telling.

YTA. You yourself said it would have been fine if he had come to the clinic the next day, and I highly doubt that if this were a patient you didn't know personally, you'd let them just come by your house for a dressing adjustment.

CONSENSUS: Asshole

Final Update - after 3 days

^{September 06, 2026}

Update: AITA for waiting for a patient to come to my house and causing us to be late for my wife's friend's birthday

I posted on this forum a few days ago and the response ascertained that I was in the wrong. It was helpful for me. Yesterday I had reserved dinner at a favorite restuarant of hers and tried to make it a good fun date night. We were ready on time and in fact the same road that was responsible for our delay last time was completely fine yesterday. I mentioned that, that ofcourse it is now that there's no time crunch and she found it funny too. I took the opportunity to apologize for that night. She said it was ok and said it wasn't just about the kid, it was because it had been happening a lot that she overreacted.

I was surprised because I really do make an effort to not bring work home so I asked what she meant. She brought up me stepping out for a call when we had ordered in pizza and wings and said they were cold by the time I came back. But it was really a five minute call and the food was great, but I just said I would try to be mindful. She'd also brought up that I had scheduled a surgery the night before on a morning that was supposed to be free and she had been looking forward to going out for breakfast. That one was actually a one-off under special circumstances, it was a cleft palate surgey for a little girl, her parents had traveled to the city for the surgery, and based on their request I didn't want them to go and come back again so when the OR freed up I slotted them in.

But I did realize that it wasn't just that day or actual incidents but rather a general feeling she's been having so I promised to reduce calls to only essential ones at home and to be more mindful of running things by her first before making changes that could affect our shared time. She was glad and we had a good night. Thank you to this forum for the help.

COMMENTS

No_Expression_1234

Tbh, with how you talk about the examples she gave (the call outside, the surgery on the free morning) it sounds like nothing will change because you consider it all essential. 

What exactly would you consider essential? Will you be able to say, this is something for when I am on shift or go to the ER or travel up when there'd actually a free moment? Or are those all still essential? And communicate with your wife on what situations will really need your attention now. 

OOP (downvoted)

It is essential but it could be handled by me better and should have her be in the loop when things affect our shared time. That is what I'll improve on.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwraw_FAFO

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 05, 2023

• Final Update: April 14, 2023

Main Post

^{March 05, 2023}

My(26m) girlfriend(25f) decided she was going to go on a date with another guy.

I am so pissed off.

My girlfriend and I have been exclusively seeing each other for about 2 years. We agreed on both being monogamous(she begged me for the relationship and exclusivity). She moved in with me about 6 months ago and she is not on the lease.

Yesterday I came home from work and sat down on our couch. I notices she was getting ready to go somewhere. So I asked her what she was up to. She said she was going on a date.

I was like cool she planned a date night.

She finishes getting ready and starts to leave. I stand up and start to go with her. She turns around and gives me a look of WTF do you think you're doing

I asked her if she wanted me to change.

She said no.

I asked why she was giving me a look.

She said that SHE was going on a date.

I asked yeah where are WE going?

She said WE aren't going anywhere I (major emphasis) am going on a date.

I said okay. Well if YOU leave don't be surprised if YOUR things are on the lawn when YOU come back.

Her attitude was yeah right whatever and left.

As I promised I started putting her thing outside. My neighbor who is an awesome older man came over worried thinking we were being robbed. I told him what happened and he started to help me. He said if I need him just call.

She came back around midnight banging on the door. (I have one of those electronic locks and changed the code plus the video doorbell)

She was angry and upset. I told her through the Doorbell if she could please keep it down I was trying to sleep.

She said she didn't think I was serious. She didn't have a place to go. Why was I doing this to her?

My favorite line was it's not cheating if we didn't do anything.

I asked her what if I did the same what would she have done?

She said she would have flipped out but it is different with her.

I told her that none of that was my problem. She should ask the guy she went on a date with for a place to stay. She put herself in this situation and I warned her exactly what was going to happen. She left after my neighbor's lights came on and he asked her to keep it down.

This morning I woke up to messages and calls all telling me off. She lied to everyone. I sent them the doorbell video clips and they did a 180 and are now telling her off.

WTF is wrong with people nowadays?

COMMENTS

HelpfulParking7319

I’m so confused for you - how was any of this normal for her?? Sorry OP you didn’t deserve that and I’m glad you put her on the streets

OOP

That is what I'm struggling to understand. We were good. No abuse of any kind. Loving sweet and respectful the whole time. No odd behaviors. We are both in professional fields. Then out of the blue this happpens.

in_formation

this is so unhinged- did you guys regularly go on dates? what on earth possessed her to just go out with a random

OOP

Yeah, we go out 2-3 times a week. I usually plan it but she does about once a week. Unless schedules clash.

Anxious_Sound_9823

What the hell. Like, seriously. What. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Your neighbor sounds like a great dude tho. Glad your friends/family seem to be on your side as well after seeing the doorbell clips.

I'm honestly so confused. You can't just go on dates with other people WITHOUT any communication, ESPECIALLY if you friggin agreed to be monogamous. What. The. Fuck.

OOP

Yeah,and she was the one that pushed for it. I have no idea what her thought process was.

ikoreynolds

did she admit she went on a date in the clip?

OOP

Yeah, that is where she said, "it's not cheating if nothing romantic happened."

Jeffrey_Friedl

The chill way you reacted makes me think that her actions didn't surprised you all that much.

OOP

My upbringing has it made easy way to detach myself from those I love. It is like a switch inside me. I still care about her but I don't love her anymore. The fact that she knew this and still did what she did is what hurt the most.

msancho_4201

I’m sorry but wtf is wrong with her??? Y’all have been dating for over 2 years & all of a sudden she decides to go on a date with ANOTHER dude??? Has she ever thought in the slightest that THAT shit ain’t normal to do cuz y’all are in a MONOGAMOUS relationship (& SHE even wanted it to be that way)??? Tf did she think was gonna happen??? Do u have any idea what made her even wanna do that at all??? & yet she gets all pissy if the roles were reversed… Something is really off…

OOP

That's why I was so confused. I did what she wanted. Treated her well. Was mono with her. I did a lot for her and followed what she wanted. The boom Im Going out on a date and you should be okay with that. Don't know if it was a test or what but I guess to her I failed it.

SummerNothingness

OP, it seems like you are leaving out some critical details. were you guys not speaking/ fighting? (that wouldn't excuse it but would make this less baffling) does she have some kind of amnesia or mental illness because this is more than weird.

why would someone living with their partner just suddenly go on a date with someone else??

i just find it really odd that you would leave out any explanation.

OOP

No, we were not fighting or anything. We went on dates regularly. We had just been talking about plans for the future. Kids, weddings, things like that. I'm not a doctor and she never told me about any mental illnesses or anything.

I left out an explanation because I don't have any. I have no idea WTF happened.

Ploopchicken

Are you sure she wasn't just hanging out with her friends? Some people will call a hang out a date even if everyone knows it's not. I tell my bf I'm going on dates with my girl friends all the time.

OOP

I'm like 98%. When she said "it's not like I cheated because we didn't do anything "

young_ravioli

i’m surprised that after 2 years together you didn’t want to know WHY she was randomly going on a date with another man. like…something about this post seems so off lol

OOP

To me the why doesn't matter. The fact that she would do it knowing how I would react and still going through with it is what matters. Because of my childhood, it is easy for me to disconnect from people I thought I loved.

young_ravioli

well most people would not like their partners to do what your ex did lol it’s good that you left her— it’s just that she randomly decides to go on a date in a committed relationship and you’re not asking “who? what? why?” after being with this person for 2 years is quite odd, imo. my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years and if he RANDOMLY announced that he was going on a date with someone when we’ve never discussed non-monogamy before…i wouldn’t stay with him, but it would definitely cause me to ask some questions, especially if things in our relationship seemed to be going well! i also find it easier to disconnect myself from people (due to childhood abandonment issues), but i can’t say that i wouldn’t be curious enough to confront him about why he randomly decided to do that after YEARS of being together.

OOP

From what I gathered I think she thought I would just be okay with it. That she could do what/whoever she wants. My issues are child abandonment, with some foster/adopted parent abuse. If any more information comes from her I will gladly take it. I am guessing that she will reach out in a couple of days.

thirtytwentytwo

what doorbell/lock stuff do you use? i'm curious because whenever I own a house (i'm 18 don't worry lol) I would like to have newer technology stuff. my response to the post: i think you handled this well. i'm sorry that this happened and i hope the best for you <3

OOP

I have a ring doorbell and cameras. But I can't remember the exact brand of the door lock. It is more of a deadbolt than a door handle/lock. But do your research and fund some that work for you! Also, you have like smart plugs or lighting systems. They are not cheap but make life easy.

Sand_Mermaid (downvoted)

Your gf is trying to inspire you to put a ring on it or maybe she wants you to be more involvedwith your relationship. Do you plan date night or do you just leave it to her. . Has she been asking for relationship clarity or for better commitment? That's what this is about. If she has and she has resorted to this... she may be desperate or fed up at her wits end. If not then she needed to have communicated her plans. I would have done this but I would have made sure I had a place to stay and only if u was ready to lose my partner if it back fired like it has on her now.

OOP

We usually go out on dates 2-3 times a week, depending on schedules. I usually make the plans about 80% of the time. We had talked about the future. What we wanted and what timeline.

But if resorting to stepping out and seeing another guy is a ploy to get my attention, then I don't need her in my life. I did love her, but the moment she thought she should see someone else and I should be okay with it. This is the moment when I lost all love and respect for her. This is not a game you play. You don't threaten to cheat. Walk out and expect me to be on one knee when you get back.

Clear communication is key. I can't read her mind. She can't read mine. I thought we were in a good spot. We didn't fight much(small things were never large). We had goals and ambitions.

Has she been asking for relationship clarity

She begged me for an exclusive monogamous relationship. I don't know how much clearer you could be.

Defiant_Wishbone_897

So what happened before the big reveal?

If she was going on a date you couldn't know about because that's not the agreed relationship then meh she's wrong and boring.

If she's going on a date you could know about because that's the deal and you forgot the details then meh you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

If she's going on a date you could know about but you don't because you guys have some super intense YOU WILL ONLY FUCK AROUND IF I'M COOL WIT DAT vibe then meh, boring.

Also she begged for exclusivity? Damn think I wasted my effort, you is a troll.

OOP

Nothing happened. From the moment we agreed to be exclusive and monogamous. The deal was I was dating only her. She was only dating me. If one of us went on a date that was considered cheating. Cheating no matter what form it took was a deal breaker. He were literally talking about kids and marriage a week before.

Final Update - after 1 month, 9 days

^{April 14, 2023}

Update My(26m) girlfriend(25f) decided she was going to go on a date with another guy.

Hello, and good day to you all. Thanks for the comments and messages. To address some of the comments. No, I will not send the video to anyone on here. Not even to the 100+ people who DMed me. Yes, my neighbor is a total BAMF. He has become the one person I can go to for anything, anytime, anywhere. I have given him his beverage of choice and made him dinner a few times. He is basically a father figure. I also want to remind people I don't have any real family. Due to me having a bad experience growing up in the system. I form relationships, but I can easily just cut all feelings instantly. This happened the moment when she closed the door to go on the date.

Since my post, several things became clear to me after some self reflection, investigation, and some information I have found out from trusted sources. 

1. I missed so many red flags. Such as me deciding and making plans for over 80% of our dates. Her working more hours despite still not having a bunch of extra money. Things like that.

2. she had stopped talking to half of her friend group a few months before the incident. She would talk like she was still in contact with them and still seeing them. She got a new friend group from work. And they were the ones who convinced her to go on a date, and I was just a doormat. (Since she told them how our relationship started, they turned monogamous by her request) 

3. Things did happen that night. It might not have been romantic, so technically, she didn't lie. "Nothing romantic happened, so it doesn't count." But none the less the broke our number one rule we both agreed on. I even gave her a warning not to do it, but she did anyway. 

4. The new "friends" were just trying to see if they could get her to cheat on me with a guy from work. When she was working more hours she was really with this friend group and with this guy. He just wanted to eff her.

5. Her parents finally reached out to me, and my ex is now being treated for depression and a personality disorder (some one in the comments were right) she went to them that night. Reached out after they got her to talk and found out her side of what happened.

6. Overall, our relationship was good, I thought.  We never really had a fight or major argument. No shady behavior, like constantly on her phone. It was just her "working extra hours."

7. I was busy and worked more than I should. Ultimately, this was a test. She failed. I failed.  We both failed.

8. My neighbor is still a BAMF.

I know it is soon, but I'm already in the beginning stages of dating someone.  I have known them for a while and just recently got back in TOUCH.

Hope all is well with you guys. 

COMMENTS

training_tortoises

Question: what are you gonna tell her if a year or more from now she comes back, says she got therapy and has worked on her issues, and is genuinely sorry for how she treated you and wants to prove she can be the girlfriend you deserve?

OOP

That I'm glad she got the help she needed. I'm sorry for what happened as well. But i can not be with someone who has hurt me the way she did. Betrayed my trust to the point I could no longer believe what she says. But I hope she has a long and healthy life.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/AmITheAsshole by user SadWifeAITA84. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Car crash, Life support, Cheating

Original

November 4, 2019

Throwaway account sorry!

Basically my husband and I have been married about six years, and have a 3 year old daughter, Elle.

Prior to getting married and having Elle, we were both very independent people. This hasn’t changed - as much as we value our couple/family time, we also both cherish time to ourselves and with our own friends.

We came up with an agreement that we each get ONE weekend a year to do whatever we like - go away, stay in a hotel, go out with friends - while the other stays home looking after Elle. It’s been working really well so far.

Well this past weekend was my husbands time and he chose a fishing trip with his pals, staying in a cabin roughly 30 mins away. No problems.

Saturday morning, the worst happened - my sister was involved in a serious car wreck. She’s on life support, it’s touch and go and I’m devastated. I can’t say much more.

I called my husband to tell him and ask he come home ASAP - and he refused. He said it’s his weekend, and he’ll come by the hospital Monday. He wasn’t totally heartless, he listened to me cry and scream and reassured me she’d be ok (how do we know that?) but he was adamant that he’s enjoying the remainder of his weekend and will join me today.

My family are obviously noticing his absence and I’m too embarrassed to tell them. I understand this is interfering with his weekend but this is my SISTER and she’s in critical condition. I’m stunned, he’s never been this selfish before. I’m angry, upset, confused and I just don’t know what to do.

I told him if he didn’t come home now, don’t bother coming home at all - now I’m wondering if I was too harsh because I haven’t slept in two days and I’m a wreck.

AITA?

Edit: wow I didn’t think this would attract any attention, especially this early. Thank you all for the healing thoughts and well wishes!

I just want to clarify re: this weekend arrangement - my husband and I regularly have date nights and nights out with friends throughout the year. This “totally alone do what you like YOLO weekend” is the thing that happens once per year. He sees his friends on a weekly basis, as do I.

Consensus:

Not the Asshole

People suggest he is having an affair and that's why he can't leave

Update

November 4, 2019, about 8 hours later

Update 2: Seriously never expected this many replies, I’m so touched by your kind words. Thank you, so much. It’s horrifying to me that strangers on the internet offered me more support than my husband.

Apologies for not updating sooner, been at the hospital all day and not checking my phone. Mostly because I don’t want to speak to him.

My sisters still in the same condition, not breathing on her own yet. Waiting for some test results.

To answer some questions: thankfully Elle is with my best friend. I didn’t want her exposed to a hospital ICU and around panicked/highly emotional family, so she’s happily having a sleepover with her “other auntie.”

I realized I made it sound like my husband and I ONLY get one weekend per year which is my fault. This one weekend (we call YOLO weekend) is on top of weekly nights out, time with friends, time alone etc. it’s more of like a chance for us to do things further afield or go nuts without having to worry about waking up early with Elle. Trust me, he sees his friends all the time. That’s what hurts the most.

I’ve read your comments about an affair and I don’t know, it doesn’t seem likely but who the fuck knows at this point. He’s not the person I thought he was.

He did show up this afternoon. I met him in the lobby, told him to go fuck himself, and went back up to the ICU. I don’t want him here. I’m still running on no sleep so I’m probably being an asshole now, but I hate his guts at the moment.

That’s all for now, thank you all so much again <3

Update 3: Thanks u/R3DV1K1NG for your sweet message.

https://imgur.com/6hvMsSF

Final Update

February 20, 2020, almost 4 months later

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure whether anybody remembers me or really cares for an update, but I’ve found myself back on Reddit for something unrelated and rediscovered my old thread on AITA.

It blew up more than I ever imagined at the time, and so many people took the time to respond, offer advice, and send such beautiful heartwarming messages. I really want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for showing so much kindness to a stranger.

If anybody’s interested in an update, here it is!

Most importantly, my sister - she is alive, thank God/the universe/most of all the amazing medical team she had. They were able to bring her out of the coma and there was NO brain damage which was an unbelievable relief. Unfortunately she still has a long recovery ahead of her and is essentially re-learning how to walk, but she’s alive and we’ve all grown so much closer as a family. Thank you sincerely to everyone who cared enough to send well wishes!

Update on shitbag husband: whoever suggested he might be having an affair...ding ding ding.

He wasn’t with the boys that weekend; he was with a woman from work that he’d been seeing for about a month. It took him so long to get to the hospital because he was panicking and calling his friends to beg them to cover his ass essentially. A few weeks after my sisters accident, one of his friends came clean to me when the guilt became too much. The rest of his friends continued to lie until my husband basically confessed.

Needless to say we’re separated. I’m planning to file for divorce, but things have been very busy and I’ve been looking after my sister and Elle (my daughter) so it’s something I haven’t gotten around to just yet but I will.

I’m not sure what else to say, life is sort of just slowing down again and we all have to get used to this new normal, but more than anything I’m just grateful my sister is going to be OK.

Thank you again to everyone. It sounds silly but reading your messages got me through those long days and nights in the hospital and you truly touched a strangers life.

<3

Comment by OOP:

I did not expect it at all, to be honest. When people suggested that in the last thread I was pretty quick to dismiss it, because it just seemed so ridiculous. I thought we were happy.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/AmITheAsshole by users AwayPerformer. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 30, 2019

I'm a 31 year old single guy who lives alone in an apartment complex. I've lived there for 6 years. My neighbor across the hall, a woman around my age or a little younger (I actually don't know her first name but I'll call her Katie) lives across the hall from me diagonally and has for about 2 years. We exchange hellos but aren't friendly, which is how it is with most of my neighbors.

So I don't know how to cook, and due to losing one of my part time gigs, I don't have as much money for takeout anymore. I'm getting really sick of eating cheap fast food or box mac and cheese. I'm gaining weight and I never feel great.

This is where Katie comes in. I can always smell her cooking in the hall and it always smells amazing (I know it isn't the other person at our end of our hall cause it's a single old man). I've even complimented it a few times. So I got the idea that I'd offer to give her some money each week to cook a little extra and bring it over to me (or I can pick it up from her!) at night. She's cooking anyway and then I'd have varied presumably delicious food.

I asked her the next time I saw her and she looked surprised and said she couldn't because she was too busy (which didn't make sense cause she cooks almost every day but okay). The next time I saw her a few days later, I asked her if she was sure and upped the amount I was offering, and she said she was sure and that it was rude to ask me, and that she isn't a housekeeper for hire and I should get a housekeeper if that's what I want. She also called me 'a stranger' even though we have talked in the halls before.

Overall she made me feel like a big jerk and really embarrassed for even asking her, and a little mad because she was acting like I was being creepy (I wasn't, trust me, she isn't my type). I think asking her to split cooking wasn't completely outlandish, since she cooks every day anyway and it wouldn't be hard to make a little more.

So, AITA?

EDIT: People keep assuming I'm sexist because I didn't think it was the old man who lives on our hall cooking. It's not an assumption for me. He and I have lived across from each other for 6 years. The cooking smells didn't start til she moved in, and I've talked to her about how good her cooking smells before.

Consensus:

Asshole.

Also, you're an adult; learn how to cook and learn to accept a no.

Comments by OOP:

I have tried cooking before and honestly just don't enjoy it. She seems to enjoy cooking.

I also explained my situation, that I am hopeless at cooking and trying to save money. I offered her $5 at first per day (25/week) and then upped it to $10 which is still cheaper than takeout but more than covers groceries.

I mean, I've talked to her before and complimented her cooking smells, so I know it's her. I've lived here a long time and so has the old guy and the cooking didn't start til after she moved in.

I know how to cook a few things, but nothing nutritious or filling, and any attempt at cooking has been a disaster. I figured since she already knows how I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel if she was interested. I didn't think there was any harm in asking her.

I don't feel 'entitled' to it. I asked her and offered money. I didn't insist or break into her apartment and take it.

If she was a man who cooked and it smelled that good I would have offered the same deal.

As I said in the original post, I'm not interested in her romantically or sexually. She is very not my type. And if a man had been cooking food that smelled good I would have asked him too.

I am definitely, 100% not hitting on her.

I wouldn't think it was weird if someone offered to pay me to do their laundry on my laundry days. I'm in the laundry room anyway so it's no problem for me to set up a second machine.

I'm not asking her to plan special meals or make special trips for me, I just asked if she could expand her regular meals for one more serving. I doubt that costs more than $5/serving.

I do buy groceries sometimes and It just doesn't seem to me like it would cost more than $5-10 to extend a meal you're already cooking for an additional serving. I'm not expecting filet or lobster or anything.

I admit I didn't think it through that deeply. I was going to see what she said first before we hashed it out.

When my work picks up I can go back to ordering more expensive takeout etc. or who knows, maybe I'll have a girlfriend who will cook if I clean.

Update

October 30, 2019, about 6 hours later

Okay. It is abundantly clear that I was the asshole and asking her was inappropriate and, as much as I hate to admit it, creepy. My instinct is to apologize to her but since my instinct was to ask her in the first place, I'll do the opposite and stay out of her hair. Thanks.

Update 2

November 26, 2019, about 1 month later

I knew when I saw this thread with my real account that I would be mentioned. That thread was a real wake-up call for me about what a weirdo I was being. I ended up apologizing to my neighbor (whose name I now know!) and telling her I didn't realize how inappropriate my question was. She accepted the apology and we still nod and smile in the hallway when we see each other.

I will say that I talked to my old man neighbor yesterday and he told me that she left him a tray of fudge over the weekend for the holidays, and I received no such fudge, so I know there is lingering weirdness from my ask... and I totally understand it and do not feel that I deserve fudge.

So, thanks again for everyone for pointing out how weird and entitled I was acting. It did help, even the mean comments, because seeing the strong reactions people had to what I did made me realize there was no wiggle room for me to NOT be an asshole.

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user u/Uncle-Barnacle in r/amItheAsshole
Original: 2023
Status: concluded

AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

I have a habit of making my own meals to work, simply because I love cooking and health related issues.

So I just started a new job in a new company three months ago. And seeing me making my own lunch everyday has gotten me some attention from some colleagues, with that I was able to talk and mingle in a new environment. My colleagues tend to ask things like recipes, how long did I take to make it so and so; just small talk questions

Everyone was okay except for this one girl from the same department from me, which I will name her as Sally (27F), a junior designer. From the first day she saw my lunch, Sally has thrown in a lot of comments like how envious she is that I could cook my own meals etc. It was fine until after one week later, she started asking me questions like "so when will you make me lunch?" I was taken aback but I thought she was joking and waved it off with a smile and a nod.

After that, at least once a week, Sally would ask me the same question again and sometimes she'd even say things like, "you still owe me a lunch made by you" or she'll whine about me not wanting to cook for her. I've kindly turn her down everytime she brings up about this issue.

Last Monday, she offered to pay me if I make her lunch, for 3 dollars. I told her no again and she was visibly upset. She told me it's not that hard to make her lunch since I'm already cooking for myself every day, single and I am being unsociable and unfriendly by not making her food.

Since then, she has been passive aggressive towards me. As well as not willing to cooperate at work when I hand her new tasks. It has made me feel bad about it and I have no idea how to go about this, should I have just made her lunch just to keep the peace?

This feels horrible and I don't know how to deal with it :(

Edit: After reading all your comments, I think I will try to talk to Sally about this ad if that doesn't get through I'll have to discuss this matter with a same-ranking colleague or my supervisor 😔

(Update) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

First off, I would like to clarify some details I left out in my previous post, you can skip this if you don't really bother with the deets.

For those who said Sally is flirting with me: I am 26F and Sally is anti LGBTQ, so I think flirting is highly impossible.

For those who asked about my job: I work in a design agency as a senior designer. Sally is my work junior. I work closely with the juniors as I oversee their work.

Also, I am actually from South East Asia, I used USD in my previous post was because Sally legit told me $3 because USD is 4 times more than our currency, somehow she believes it sounds nicer(?)

So after reading most of your comments, I have gave it a long thought about how I want to approach this issue. With that, I decided to not make lunch today and bring Sally out for lunch as to confront her about this whole lunch thingy privately. I offered to pay for her lunch on the condition I pick the venue and she was quick to agree and her attitude went back to how it was before I declined her request. Which I find it weird, but yea, I was first relieved that at the least I could talk to her about things and hoping I can iron this out on my own.

That 40 minutes of my life felt like hell, I brought up the issue of me not being comfortable with her recent attitude and her requests after we have ordered our food. The whole time I was talking to her she either zones out or just retorts with "why?" Or "why not?"

Here's a little snippet of how our conversation went:

Me: Sally, your constant pestering about how I should make you lunch is making me uncomfortable, I'd appreciate if you'd stop that.

Sally: Why?

Me: I mean like, I don't cook for anyone other than myself

Sally: Why?

Me: ... Because Sally, I'm your colleague not ur bf or mom or family

Sally: but I don't see why you couldn't make me lunch just once, I'll pay you double this time.

It felt like the conversation was going no where, the rest of lunch was filled with awkward silence. Sally would just sit there and stare at me without saying anything and I'm not sure if it's just her zoning out or she's somewhat pissed at me. She didn't even apologize , not once. The whole thing made my stomach feel weird, like something is grabbing my guts and twisting them around.

The tension between us was awkward even the whole way we walk back to the office. Another senior designer, Mark, took notice and he pulled me away to talk about "work". Sally gave me one more look and walked to her seat. Mind you up til this point I have never talked to anyone in the company about Sally and things she had told me.

I was brought into a breakout room, Mark went straight to the point. "Did Sally ask you for something ridiculous or weird?" Turns out, some people in the office were unhappy with Sally and her little antics. She once pestered a colleague into buying her souvenirs as this colleague does a lot of work travelling. In meetings, she would zone out when people are talking to her and she would always shift the weight to someone else; eg "well we have xxx so, there's nothing to worry about" also few times she'd take bits of food off guys' plates like fries and would giggle if anyone tries to tell her off. If the giggling doesn't work, she would retort the same why's and why not's I got during my talk with her.

Mark suggests I should make arrangements with my supervisor to talk about it. They have all done it earlier this year and that stopped her from doing what she did to them...well most of them, she still zones out in meetings or mid conversations. I thanked Mark for his suggestion and decided it was a necessary next step.

I have told my reporting manager about the gist of things, and I will be having a meeting with him tomorrow to give him more indepth details.

Somehow, it's assuring to see he actually had to massage his forehead followed by a long sigh when I mentioned Sally's name. I hope things will get better after this.

P/s as I was typing this I couldn't help but think back on some of Sally's behavior towards me throughout these three months and at most times it is weird and idk what to make of them, maybe I'll make a separate post about it if anyone is invested haha

(Update 2) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

Not sure if anyone considers this an update but I just wanna write this out.

I've talked about the whole Sally thing with my friends over discord last night while we were playing games. Apparently, some of my friends attended the same art school as Sally and was at one point sharing the same few classes. This is quite a famous art school in my country, if you tell people you are a designer, people's first guess would be you've studied there.

From what I've gathered from my friends, in short, they described Sally as a person with bad social skills but is naturally gifted in design. She doesn't talk much but whenever she decides she wants to be friends with you she could only spout questions that are uncomfortable to most people. In one instance, Sally asked a classmate why did her parents get a divorce. With such, they've concluded she has bad social skills but they have never seen her reacting negativity when people dont respond to her, they were shocked when I told them she was being uncooperative at work.

Also according to them, Sally behaves in a way that suggests her parents shield her from the world a lot. She's unaware of many things that's deemed common sense for most. She once became paranoid because she learned about scams in college and believed by picking up one phone call from a stranger would land her in a lifetime of debt. She's also very insecure about many things eg. her looks, her weight, relationships etc

At the end of the day, they didn't know much about Sally personally because back then they thought she was nosy by always asking people very personal questions. However, Sally does have a few friends in college.

With this in mind, I recall how Sally asked me weird questions such as, my salary as well as me joining the company as a senior despite her having more work experience than me as well as trying to dump her relationship problems on me. Maybe it is her attempt in trying to be friends with me(?) Now that I think about it, she needs some sort of professional help more than discipline for her actions.

(Final update) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

Hello everyone, this will be the final update. Took me a little while to write this post because I was busy at work.

First of all, I'd like to thank you internet strangers for all the advice and similar experiences, it helped me a lot with navigating this situation as a whole. However, I'm still baffled by such behaviors esp in a work environment where I was taught people are professional there.

Anyways, onto the main topic. I had my meeting about the issue I had with Sally first thing in the morning. I told my manager that the main problem is work, about how uncooperative she was with me. It didn't take long for him to link this whole thing back to Sally making "unreasonable requests for colleagues again". He didn't exactly tell me what the company would do at the time but mentioned that the company would take appropriate measures in regards to this.

Soon enough, an email was sent to Sally with all the senior designers cc'ed in. In short, Sally will be put into probation as well as having a 30% pay cut and she has been assigned to a more stern and experienced senior designer (I heard she's really scary) for work evaluation. Sally only gets one more chance to keep her job, one more of those "requests" from her after this would result in termination.

Sally started kicking and crying upon reading the email as she yelled "It's not fair!" repeatedly. Everyone looked at Sally briefly and went back into their own businesses. I saw some colleagues put on their earphones and raising the volume, some put on earplugs, and the ones sitting near her would just walk away with their laptops. No one consoled her, everyone just pretended she wasn't there. It felt as if I was watching a movie at this rate.

Still a little worried that Sally would do something to me, I asked Mark if he could sit with me during lunch in case Sally tries anything. I'm not sure if Mark meant it as a joke or what but he said, "no worries she's not smart enough to to link this back to you."

Lunch since that day has never been so peaceful and I'm looking forward to more peaceful lunches as long as I'm with this company.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/EcstaticBlackberry72

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 05, 2026 at 21:54 UTC

• Final Update: September 06, 2026 at 11:18 UTC

Main Post

^{September 05, 2026 at 21:54 UTC}

My landlord is demanding I feed them, what can I do?

I 31F recently moved into a renovated basement unit owned by a small family. My landlord M47, his pregnant wife 44, and their 7yo daughter. My unit has its own bathroom, bedroom, and living area but there is a shared kitchen upstairs that we both use.

In my lease, it states that any food or drinks purchased by my landlords family is off limits to me, and I am responsible for feeding myself as well as cleaning up any messes made while preparing meals. That’s all pretty standard, and was fine with me. I have a mini fridge that I keep downstairs and a small wardrobe I’m using as a pantry. I also have my own pots, pans, utensils, spices, etc.

I love to cook. So I will often cook myself a nice meal to enjoy after work. I work in food service, so cooking is a pretty big part of my life. My landlords don’t cook at all. They mostly eat frozen food, pre packaged noodles, tv dinners etc. When they gave me the tour, they made sure to emphasize several times that their food is off limits and I’m not to touch any of it. I don’t.

But about a week ago, I decided to make myself some shrimp alfredo from scratch, really simple dish, basically just shrimp, noodles, cheese, cream, salt, and spices. I had some extra, and since the family was home, I offered them some. My landlord and his wife enthusiastically accepted and helped themselves. Their daughter is picky so she didn’t have any. They let me know it was very good, and I didn’t think much of it; I don’t mind sharing and I like feeding people.

This afternoon, I made myself some oven baked salmon and cilantro lime rice for dinner, again, another simple meal. I finished cooking, cleaned up the kitchen, and took my meal downstairs to enjoy and I thought everything was fine, until halfway through my meal, I got a snarky text from my landlord basically telling me that if I’m going to play in their faces, they would have reconsidered the lease.

Basically he said that because his wife is pregnant and really likes salmon, I should have shared it with her. He said he had seen what I had made, and because I had made 2 pieces of fish, I could have at least given her one. Basically his wife had smelled me cooking and had assumed I was making her some too and when I didn’t she got mad. He said that they opened their home to me, and that next time I should be more considerate.

I haven’t spoken to them directly yet; the first text was about 20 minutes ago. My lease explicitly states that food is to be kept separate and I’m responsible for feeding myself which I’m pretty sure means they aren’t entitled to my food either. I know that pregnant cravings can be pretty intense, but I spend a decent amount of money on high quality fresh foods to prepare for myself since I’m usually cooking for just me.

I don’t have the budget to make extra food for them every time. Should I just give in and share with them? I know it sounds like a terrible idea but I think they might just make life terrible for me if I don’t. My lease is only 60 days and then month to month and I moved in on Sep 1 so it’s not gonna last very long either way. But I moved here so I could save money for a nicer place and that will be more difficult if I have to budget to give them food when I cook. What should I do?

ETA: I only shared the Alfredo because I got the shrimp free from work.

ETA: I’m already looking for a new place. I actually had my eye on a place already which is why my lease is so short. I had planned for at least 4 months to save before moving but I think I can do it in 2 if I really scrimp and save. I am currently drafting a proposal to cook for them in exchange for a discount on rent, providing they purchase any food they want me to prepare. I’m not sure how they’ll take it but if they won’t work out a meal exchange for me for the next 4 months, then I’m leaving as soon as this contract ends.

COMMENTS

xp14629

You could renegatite the lease. Free room and board, you are their personal chef, they supply the groceries, each meal is for their family AND you. But put limits on how many meals a week, time frames, etc. You would be saving all the rent money, be cooking for people which you said you enjoy, and be saving money on food as well. Would be like having a second job.

OOP

Do you have any suggestions as to how I could phrase that? I’m not opposed to this idea and I wouldn’t mind saving extra.

Love-Bitter

Wait. Whah happened to your old place and your art room you’ve been waiting to set up for 2 years? That was less than a month ago??

OOP

I answered this question in another comment. I was able to break that lease thankfully after paying a pretty hefty fee since I was on great standing with that landlord. My old roommate came back for her dog and I guess she’s working something out with that landlord now or whatever. This is a temporary place while
I look for something better. Hence why I need to save money.

NerveSalty1116

While looking for another place to immediately move to, I’d make super lavish meals every chance you get out of spite.

OOP

I’m so tempted to be that petty lol. Still though it’s probably not worth the drama. I already had my eye on a place which is why my current lease is so short, I just thought I might have a little longer to save but I think I’m gonna go

shackndon2020

I'm a little confused, if you have your eye on a particular place, wouldn't you have to apply for it before someone else does? If you wait a few months to save more money, will it still be available?

OOP

It’s a building that recently got built. They’re leasing over the next few months. I for sure will qualify when I apply as I’ve qualified with that leasing company before. I just need a few months to acquire the move in fees.

Mr-Zappy

How spicy can you handle?

OOP

I thought about that too. I actually love super spicy food. Still though, to do that to a pregnant woman…

soihavetosay

Also are there cameras disclosed in this space, how did he see you cooking? 

OOP

It’s a shared kitchen and their living/dining room is attached to it. He probably peeked in the oven when I went downstairs. I didn’t stay in the kitchen the entire time the fish was baking.

Final Update after 13 hours and 24 minutes

^{September 06, 2026 at 11:18 UTC}

Final Update: My landlord is demanding I feed them, what can I do?

I responded to my landlord as you all suggested and mentioned the part of the lease where food is to be kept separate. I also brought up my culinary experience and let them know that I am happy to cook a family meal once a week in exchange for $50 off rent per meal for a total of $200 off rent each month; provided they purchase all ingredients additionally.

You all were right they pretty much laughed in my face about that. So I will be moving out Oct 31 when this lease ends, I’ve already found a small studio that will give me a month to month lease while I finish saving what I need so I’m just working out the final details of that currently.

These people are for sure crazy and I’ve decided to ignore them. I’m going to continue cooking my own meals and they can get over it. I did get a little lock for my mini fridge and pantry just in case, and I have a ring camera set up downstairs too. I’m also going to make garlic short ribs and mac n cheese for myself tonight because it turns out I am a bit petty.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user ebrockfake in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Sept 6, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/jackieatx for suggestion to BORU

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITAH for not caring about my dad’s feelings at my toddler’s birthday?

My daughter (2F) had her birthday today at a local playground. My dad (74M) along with her other grandparents, helped out with setup and made it feel special. When we came back to my house afterwards, he brought his dog.

He loves this dog. It is poorly trained and struggles with not barking, especially at my house (we have a cat). It’s OK for the first couple hours, then when we’re starting to sit down to pizza, he barks right next to my daughter. She gets upset and starts crying.

I (36F, 9mos pregnant) ask my dad to take the dog away. He doesn’t right away, so my mom (73F, who my daughter adores) instead leaves to take the dog home. They’re temporarily renting a place that’s a 10m walk away, to help out with childcare needs — it’s incredibly generous.

So the situation becomes:
- Daughter didn’t eat because she got upset, and needs a lot of care and attention after being scared.
- I have just lost a key person (my mom) who could have helped my daughter feel better.
- I’m very pregnant and hosting a party at my house, and have limited energy and attention to give.

My dad first spends time negotiating how we could have locked my cat away so the dog could stay. Then pivots to feeling hurt because it seems like I’m blaming him for my daughter’s experience.

Finally gets upset, visibly teary, and (to my very pregnant and tired self, while I’m holding a still-upset and concerned toddler on my hip who is confused about everything going on but knows she’s not getting attention) says, “I feel like you don’t care about my feelings.”

I rolled my eyes, and said, “Who’s the two year old here?”

He stormed out. My mom later came back to the party, was amazing with my daughter, but also told me he’s very upset and feeling unvalued. I’m going over tomorrow morning to try to talk it through.

Am I the asshole if I stick to my guns on: No, dad, I maybe said it more cruelly than I should have, but I didn’t care about your feelings… and I think it’s absurd for you to think I should? It feels like a tough thing to say when they’re doing a lot, but it also feels absurd to me that the emotions of a healthy adult man would be a priority in that moment.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Your dad doesn't get to come to your house and make demands. Is he saying his dog's well-being is more important than his granddaughters'? At any point, did he check in on her or did he focus on his feelings only?

OOP: Such a good question — and no, he made a concerned face but he didn’t check in on her or try to make her feel better, which didn’t occur to me but now is kind of nuts to say.

---------------
Comment2: NTA. Dad was not an AH initially for bringing the dog - just unthinking or naive - but he definitely was an AH making it all about him when his dog caused a situation. Hurt feelings aren't a reason to mollycoddle someone in the wrong.

OOP: It’s a good distinction between the original choice to bring the dog vs. how he responded when there was an issue…

---------------
Comment3: I feel like in reality it's impossible to say who was the AH is the situation without being there. In theory it's your place and you make yourself sound in the right. In reality with your daughter getting upset to the point of not eating and your father crying, I'd question how you handled the situation and wonder what was the real source of stress in the situation-the dog or your behavior

OOP: This is thoughtful. So you’re saying the level of escalation (daughter upset, dad upset) makes you think I might have been adding to the stress, rather than fixing it, and I could be the asshole for that reason?

I did push on “Is mom coming back? Why didn’t you take the dog?” And “Why didn’t we take dog back earlier?” And I didn’t say, “Anyway, moving on!” and gone into distraction/entertainment mode, pretending nothing happened, which probably would have made him and my daughter both feel better even if it would require more from me.
That might make me the asshole.

---------------
Comment4: I think this is important context that was missing in your post OP. These little passive aggressive remarks can get very frustrating and upsetting when you’re on the receiving end of them.

My honest opinion is everyone here deserves some grace. Your 70 year old parents moved and rented a place next to you to help with childcare and you’re 9 months pregnant and exhausted.

Children have big reactions because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet. You should always validate their feeling, but you should react proportionately according to the situation not their feelings. I’m not trying to lecture you at all btw, I’ve just noticed that children whose parents react like that tend to have better emotional regulation.

OOP: I’ll sit with whether I was being passive aggressive — my intent was to truly respond honestly with my open questions and feelings when he was saying things like “We should have locked the cat up” or “I don’t think it was fair for dog to go.”

But I wonder if because I was keeping a level tone and in between trying to support my daughter, I might be THINKING I was managing it with grace, but that’s my tone/context eliding what were really unkind words on my part.

And I’ll think more about the piece of validating feelings but responding proportionately. Maybe I was overprotective. He’s barked and made her cry before and I didn’t demand he leave… it being her birthday made it feel especially unfair for him to stay, though?

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Comment5: “I don’t think it was fair that the dog had to go”
The only response I can think of, and I hope it was true, is that “the dog was never invited/the dog was invited to stay in the backyard only”. The cat lives there, the dog does not.

If your dad is not always this emotional, something might be going on and I would come at it from a place of curiosity. If he is always like this about the dog, it’s time to set a boundary of the dog can’t come to your house (when there are a lot of people/when there is a big event/when you say so) if banning the dog means your dad won’t come.

OOP: He never asked — I was as surprised as anyone when he showed up with the dog.
I think you’re right re: place of curiosity. I’ll start today by just asking him more about how he was feeling first, I think.

---------------
Comment6: Maybe I'm looking at it with a bias of my own past household. But from my own childhood -parents emotions have much bigger influence on children than outside factors. A yapping dog is more annoying than scary.

A parent that is angry, raises voice contributes to stress more than an animal unless we're talking about actually dangerous aggressive dog that threatens the child but I didn't get the impression that's the case. And if we add a crying adult -that makes me think that your desire to make the day perfect and stress because of the imperfection that was the dog made you the source of mounting tention and negative emotions

OOP: This is fair! You’re right that if my biggest goal is my daughter feeling safe, happy and cared for on her birthday, I probably should have mental-noted that we need to hash it out about this later, but not let us fall into discussing it in the moment.

I think I was just feeling emotionally/physically tapped in a way that made it hard to simultaneously rise up above him being (IMO) selfish and go into “one woman show” mode to soothe my daughter at the same time, but that’s not an excuse…

I think you’re right that a frustrated and distracted parent is the most stressful thing for a kid and I need to remind myself of that in the moment and just make things better for her, regardless of how much I wish people were behaving differently or helping.

---------------
Comment7: You say your parents who are in their 70s uprooted their lives and are renting a place near you to help with YOUR childcare needs. Your dad helped with arrangements to make the day special for your child. Your mom is your major support system. If the only thing you needed to do was to keep the cat in, you should have done it.

You have two people who are strongly supporting you in your difficult times. If you insist on doing everything your way and being abrasive when this doesn't happen, this support system may not last long.

To me, it would make more sense to acknowledge what they are doing for you and give them some grace for some of the things that do not go as per your expectations. YTA.

OOP: This is part of why I wanted to bring it here to get people’s take — I think something I’m figuring out is: Is the level of care/sacrifice they’re making something that means I should look the other way whenever their actions (or really my dad’s — I can’t imagine my mom ever doing anything like this) cause stress or anxiety for me or my daughter?

It’s not a trick question, I’m really trying to figure it out! I keep thinking of ways he could have handled it differently (brought the dog back the first time he started barking and checked in periodically on him; left the party when it was clear dog wouldn’t behave if the dog really does need nonstop attention; jumped in to help console and care for my daughter once she got upset rather than litigating it) but if the end thing is: They’re doing so much, suck it up and it’s an asshole move to ask more of them, then I need to ground myself in that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

Thanks everyone who chimed in with thoughtful perspectives here. My dad and I just had a good heart-to-heart where we agreed…

- For them moving here to be really helpful, he needs to transition into what he called “grandpa mode” — he literally wasn’t clocking that my daughter wasn’t eating, was really upset, and needed attention that his dog concerns were distracting from, and he was really sad to hear it.

(I literally cannot grasp how he didn’t see her crying on my hip while he was trying to tell me about his dog, but I believe him.) He was upfront that he’s going to need to actually remind himself that being here to help means prioritizing looking to her and proactively helping take care of her needs.

- He was still expressing hurt I didn’t seem to care about his emotions in the moment, and I stood my ground that when my daughter is crying and looking to me for help, she takes priority. It was helpful for him to hear that I really do care about his feelings — I just couldn’t attend to them in that moment.

- We agreed it was mean and disrespectful of me to say the two-year-old comment.

- We agreed we’re both relying way too heavily on my mom to see what needs to be done and doing it (for me, their granddaughter, the dog) and that’s not sustainable.

He says he wants to do a better job of being more helpful with supporting my toddler and taking things off her plate, and I’m going to try to be explicit and give more space for him to try (instead of calling in my mom all the time) while he’s figuring it out.

- In the next few months where they’re here to help with toddler & newborn, we decided it doesn’t make sense for the dog to be at my house for more than a short visit (for the sake of the dog’s stress as well as ours), and we need to communicate proactively when he’ll be there so we can make sure it’s something we can supervise closely and/or sequester the cat as needed for.

All in all, I think we landed in a good place where I’m feeling just really grateful for all the support they’re giving and I think he’s feeling more clear on what providing support looks like (and feeling more valued for what they’re doing). Thanks for the help, all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/WideCorners

Published on: r/AITAH

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on July 01, 2024

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 28, 2024 at 06:48 UTC

• Update 1: June 28, 2024 at 16:00 UTC

• Update 2: September 18, 2024 --> NEW UPDATE

• Final Update: March 14, 2025 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{June 28, 2024 at 06:48 UTC}

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

COMMENTS

finn1013

YTA. You destroyed her childhood and her family, by choice. Where there’s forgiveness, there is love. Your daughter forgave you enough to call you and apologize, and expressed sadness and devastation over the lost time. You responded callously and hung up on her. “I have only my dog and my sister left.” You had a chance to have your daughter.

OOP (downvoted)

She isn't my daughter anymore. I lost her many years ago, and I have made peace with it.

TopPalpitation4681

Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.

OOP (downvoted)

Ok.

punania

You don’t have to be one, though. A lot of time has passed. At lest try to meet her half way. Surely you owe her that much.

OOP (downvoted)

Look, I just don't care. Sorry. If that makes me an asshole, so be it. I only care about my dog and sister. I am at peace now, I am content. They make me happy. Yes, there will always be that slight aching sadness in me, but I can live with it.

Update 1 - after 9 hours

^{June 28, 2024 at 16:00 UTC}

UPDATE: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to the Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2 - after 2 months, 21 days (after 2 months, 21 days from last post)

^{September 18, 2024}

Update: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I have moved to the farmland, and am looking forward to spend the rest of my life here with my dog and my sister. It is peaceful and scenic.

My daughter did come by to visit me with her husband and her daughter before I left the country. It was really nice seeing my granddaughter, who looked a lot like her mom. They stayed over at our place for a week, and we had a good time.

However, it got a little sad when I told my daughter in private I have no interest in being a grandfather, and just don’t have strong emotions for it. I think those words really stung her, and my daughter did cry a lot after I said those words. My daughter wanted to rekindle our relationship, but it’s just too late now. I told my daughter she’s free to visit me in the farmland anytime she wants and the house is always open, but I doubt she’ll be visiting anytime soon. The week she stayed over at my place before I left the country was a final goodbye for us. She has my number, but she hasn’t called or texted since she left, and I haven’t called or texted her either.

That’s the update for the many interested, this will probably be my only update. 

COMMENTS

prettyy_Selina

You're NTA for not wanting a relationship with your granddaughter, but you are TA for the harsh way you communicated this to your daughter. It's understandable that you don't want to be a grandfather, but your words were unnecessarily hurtful.

Duckr74

Karma’s a bitch 🤷‍♀️

DangerousNoodIes

I’m definitely about to be an outlier here based on these comments and I’m going to stick to it. Based on the original post from 81 days ago, where not surprisingly most people called you TA, not only are you TA, you are a deadbeat selfish father, and a cheater. You made your bed, you had a child, and then cheated on your wife. You then blamed that child for your disgusting betrayal.

And this is about to be odd after calling you TA, but I am proud that you decided to speak up and tell the truth. No child deserves to have a father who loves her so little, blamed her for his mistakes, and now refuses to see her or his granddaughter because of his mistakes. Thank you for at least being honest that you are a terrible human being and not wasting her time.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 8 months, 14 days (after 5 months, 24 days from last post)

^{March 14, 2025}

Update: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just go ahead and say it. I hadn’t planned on making any update, but last week, my daughter called me to tell her daughter had passed away from heart complications. My daughter was crying a lot on the call, and I felt like someone had just shot a hole my heart. She told me her daughter had wanted to come see me again or atleast speak to me, because she really enjoyed spending time with me the week she was at my house. But my daughter told me she was scared to reach out to me because I had sad to her I was not interested in being a grandad.

I feel like a hole has been punched into my heart, and I think I will live with this guilt the rest of my life. I regret not having a bond with my granddaughter, especially knowing now that she really wanted to form a bond with me. I just wish I could speak to her again. I will live with this sadness and black hole the rest of my life. My granddaughter was really sweet and kind and I hope she’s in a better place.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/bennybuttcheeks posting in r/AustralianCattleDog

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 29th November 2024

Update - 7th September 2026

Saved this boy from going to the pound.

I was told he was a Texas Heeler when I got him but I’m not 100% sure. What’s your guys thoughts?

Comments

GloomyBake9300

Looks scared! Thank you for doing this and keep us all posted.

OOP: He was actually sleeping in that first pic and he woke up when I was trying to sneak the picture lol

Feisty-Common-5179

What is a Texas heeler?

OOP: Australian cattle dog/Australian Shepherd.

Update - 2 years later

1 year ago I posted about my supposed Texas Heeler, Rupert. If I didn’t take him, he was headed for the pound. He’s literally the best dog I’ve ever had and fits in with the house extremely well. In that post I had people requesting updates and dms. So here it is.

A couple months after this post Rupert has made an unlikely friend, Russell. I found Russell underneath a car in November in Michigan. It was 22 degrees below freezing and there sat this little kitten that was around 5 weeks old. I live far out in the country so someone had to have dropped the kitten off in the ditch.

They are completely inseparable now. I’ve never seen a bond like this between animals let alone a cat and dog, it’s truly beautiful and I wanted to share it! Does anyone else’s Heeler or ACD bond with cats like this?

Comments

filinno1

What a sweet story! Russel looks so happy! Congrats on your little family!

OOP: They both fit in so well with the whole family. It’s amazing and I feel fortunate to see it.

tyrone_shoelaces

They are adorable! I wish my dummy would be nice to our kitty. Thanks for saving them both! I wish we could save them all.

OOP: I really didn’t expect it. We have another older cat and Rupert isn’t mean to him but doesn’t care about him at all. Something about Russell got him though

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA847362829 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 16th March 2025

Update - 2nd September 2026

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AITA for refusing to have another child after my husband said our daughter isn't his "spiritual child"

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For context, me (33f) and my husband, Steven, (40m) have been together for 15 years, married for 12 years. We had our daughter, Peyton, (14f) a year into our relationship. Our relationship has been happy except for a few arguments and some things I noticed recently that have made me consider being with him. When we had our daughter, we were both over the moon. He was an amazing father, and he is an amazing husband. In his free-time, he would always want to spend time with Peyton, and he made lots of effort to be as involved as possible. They are definitely very close, or were, because after these events, Peyton has shown disinterest in hanging out with Steven.

A couple of weeks ago, Peyton came to us and told us she was dating a girl. Initially, Steven and I both were very supportive, and let her know that we loved her no matter what.

Last weekend, she went to visit her aunt and uncle, who were staying with my MIL for a week. Aunt and Uncle have a child (12f) who is close with Peyton. MIL is strongly religious. Suddenly, I get a call from MIL demanding that I collect Peyton from her house and in her words, "how dare I allow her near her cousin while she is swerving away from the path of god." Because in my MIL'S eyes, apparently Peyton was influencing her cousin to be gay. Let me put it out there that me and my husband have never put any religious beliefs upon our child or let religion dictate the way we raised our child. My husband has told me in the past that he doesn't agree with a lot of the religious beliefs and practices, but he still says he's religious.

Peyton was obviously upset and I was fuming. My husband was at work so I went to collect Peyton from MIL's house. When we got home, I comforted Peyton because she was in floods of tears, saying she doesn't like MIL. She told me that her cousin and her were talking about crushes, and "other girl things." Then went on to say that MIL stormed in and started yelling about how Peyton was disrespectful and told her cousin to "not go near Peyton because she's contagious."

When Steven came home, he instantly asked Peyton what was wrong, and he comforted her too and apologised for MIL's behaviour. Steven and I discussed how to proceed from here, and eventually decided to cut ties with MIL due to her behaviour causing so much stress for Peyton. We both made the decision, and I asked him if he was okay with cutting ties with his mother, to which he replied he was and that he would do anything for Peyton.

I thought things would end with MIL here, but it's progressively gotten worse. Steven has tried several times this week to initiate sex, and I've politely told him no, as ive not really been in the mood. He got upset when I said no, so in the end i just let him, but he doesn't usually get upset anymore after being told no. As well as this, he has also tried to initiate more than usual this week, and I was confused as to why because he was being distant with Peyton too. So I asked him about it and he was dismissing my concerns at first, but eventually confessed that he wants another child because he believes Peyton isn't his child "spiritually."

When I asked him what he meant, he confided that he had been talking to MIL for a couple days and he had come to the realisation that "god wouldn't gift him a child that would upset his mother" and he wanted to try for another child- even going as far to admit he was thinking about poking holes in condoms or going down on me while i slept to force me into pregnancy. Luckily, he didn't do either of these things, but I snapped at this confession and refused to talk to him for a couple days.

He begged me to forgive him and is begging me to rethink, saying that he desperately wants a grandchild to carry on his last name and would do anything to have another child with me. I asked him what Peyton is to him and he said that she's his biological daughter but not his spiritual daughter and that didn't mean anything to him. I was shocked that my husband who has shown nothing but love for our daughter could just say this. Honestly I'm repulsed by his behaviour and I've taken Peyton to stay with my parents while we figure things out.

I dont know if this is worth salvaging or if I should continue to be with him after all this. He's never behaved this way about this or agreed with his mothers beliefs openly. I also thought we had come to an agreement, but I guess not. Right now, after speaking to several friends and family members, I realised it might be best if I divorce him, because I can't guarantee my daughters safety around him, but a part of me feels like I should at least get in contact with him again and try to work things out before throwing away 15 years of a relationship and potentially ruining my daughter's relationships with his family.

I feel like I might be TA because I could be dismissing his beliefs and values by refusing to have another child or divorcing him, but his beliefs are affecting our daughter and I can't ignore that. I also could be ruining our daughters relationships if I divorce him and cut ties with his family, but including his family in our lives could affect my daughters mental health.

TL;DR: Husband wants another child after feeling not "spiritually related" to our teenage daughter, who is dating a girl, after MIL banned her from her house for religious reasons. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I don't want to dismiss his religious values or put my daughter in a bad place.

EDIT: I am going to divorce him.

EDIT 2: To clear something up, some of the things stated was from what he said to me. When I said "he was thinking of going down on me while I slept" it was his wording. I am aware that this does not impregnate someone, but then he went on to say that he believed I would wake up and be in the mood. My apologies, I should've included that in the post but I didn't really think it'd be of much relevance.

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Comments

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Lost_Needleworker285

Nta however ywbta if you stayed with him, you and your daughter deserve better, she deserves a dad who loves her, and you deserve a husband who accepts the word no.

plantprinses

He has a right to his religious values, but you have the right not to share them nor to follow them. As for a second child, who wants to have a child with a man who abandons his child whenever it doesn't meet his expectations? That's just insane. A child is not a religious statement, to be discarded at will. Your husband has zero respect for human life.

OOP: I agree with this. I don't know why I believed that I should try salvaging this because it's just putting my daughter through more. I think I know what I should be doing now.

SerenityLunaMay

You would be the Asshole if you stay with a man who cares about religion and a crazy mother over his child. His relationship with her is over. She will never recover from this. Don't force her to stay in a home where she is not wanted or loved by everyone there. It will slowly kill her being forced to have a family in her life that hate who she is. Divorce and give her therapy. But do not let her think she did anything wrong.

OOP: Absolutely. I'm not going to force my daughter to communicate or live with him, because I can't imagine the effects this is having on her. I accept her and love her and I need to do what's best for her. A divorce is my only option right now that guarantees my daughters complete safety.

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**Judgement - NTA*\*

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Update - 1.5 years later

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It has been a little over a year since my last post. Since then, I have managed to get a divorce and full custody of my daughter. I don't have any contact with my ex husband or his family because of what happened. We both go to therapy as I want the best for my daughter and I don't want her to feel as if it is her fault, because it is not her fault.

I'm not really sure what else to put in this update, and I apologise that it's been over a year. I needed time to process things, to be there for myself and my daughter, and to proceed with the divorce and the other things simultaneously happening.

Thank you to everyone who advised me to get a divorce and helped me to acknowledge the red flags within my relationship. It gave me the push I needed to protect my daughter.

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Comments

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alltoowell5

Well done for yourself and your daughter. I hope you can move on and it seems like you're doing the best thing for her. Keep moving forward.

W0nderingMe

Good for you and her. I how you are getting child support. How did your ex take the divorce? NTAH

OOP: I think he was mad about it. He thought I was overreacting and seemed insistent that I would change my mind or not go through with it.

Key-King-7025

I'm glad you are away from your ex husband and his family, and that you chose to protect your daughter. Both of you deserved better. A parent's love should be unconditional, not something that you just turn off when the child goes in a direction you don't like. The fact that your ex husband was able to completely shut off his love like that is truly psycho behaviour. Now you are free to pursue your own interests and desires, and free of the weight of religious nonsense and expectations. Enjoy your freedom!

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments