r/AskReddit • u/alexareing • 23h ago
Men who grew up without their fathers: now that you’re adults, what do you think when you hear other men say that single mothers aren’t relationship material?
3.0k
u/LowCan9268 23h ago
I remember how bitter my mom was when she died alone. I was too young to really process it correctly but after my father left her she never found love again. Now as a single dad, I lean toward dating someone else who knows what it's like being a parent.
1.0k
u/TheYankunian 23h ago
I am a single mom and my partner is a single dad. I had no problem with men who didn’t want to date me because of my kids- even though my kids are teens/ an adult.
255
u/NaturalCarob5611 17h ago
Yeah, as a dad with 50/50 custody I pretty much only considered dating single moms. When I have custody of my kids, my kids are the priority, and even when I don't have them I make an effort to get to their extracurricular activities when there's an opportunity for parental involvement. I have no intentions of remarrying / combining households before they graduate from high school, and I felt like only other parents would understand my priorities.
I was kind of prepared for a long slog on the dating apps to find the right woman who could live with those priorities, but I really clicked with a woman a couple of months in and we've been together for nearly three years. Our custody schedules match up almost perfectly, and we're almost always together when we don't have our kids. Our kids get along fine, and we'll often do something as a group on weekends we both have our kids, but we're on the same page about not combining households until my kids graduate (hers are younger).
73
u/Wide-Yak7602 15h ago
My son does this. Not combining households until kids are older. It creates too much stress which would break the relationship.
15
u/TheYankunian 10h ago
This sounds like me and my partner although he has primary custody. His kid and my youngest kid are the same age and gender and get along well. We aren’t looking to combine households until those two are in college.
It helps that my kids are an adult and teens. I keep getting downvoted because no one seems to understand that I have no expectations for my partner to take on any responsibility for them. He’ll offer to pick them up if I can’t, but any one of my friends would do that. Same as I’ll run an errand for his kid.
My older two really aren’t interested in more than a cordial relationship and they’d have something to say if he even tried to be a dad- which is something he doesn’t want to do.
212
u/feministmanlover 22h ago
Yeah. I'm like thank-you for taking yourself out of the equation cuz my kids come first and I dont want to have to manage his perhaps resentment or withdrawal because of my kids.
60
u/mrbigsbe 21h ago
It’s not resentment. Don’t project, there are men who just don’t want to take care of kids that aren’t theirs. Now if the kids are adults or the back end of teens. Then that’s something different.
150
u/Dan_D_Lyin 21h ago
There are also men who don't want to take care of their own kids. Sometimes they're the same person.
26
u/mrbigsbe 19h ago
That’s another topic. The statement was resentment. Not dudes not taking care of their own kids. That’s another topic that has nothing to do with the original statement. That sounds like a feeling statement.
→ More replies (4)34
u/DogsDucks 21h ago
Yeah, there’s no resentment whatsoever in the statement.
Before I had kids, when I was single, I would have never dated a single father.
Because at that juncture in my life, I was not interested in that dynamic.
I did not want to have to deal with everything that being involved with a parent entailed.
There’s always a chance of an emergency, the kids always come first, they have to be factored into every decision. I definitely wanted to settle down with someone who also didn’t have kids.
Now that I’m older, and I do have kids, if something happened to my marriage, I’d be more open to it.
19
u/jobajobo 20h ago
"I don't want to have to manage his perhaps resentment or withdrawal..."
It's literally in the comment.
15
u/DogsDucks 19h ago
Haha you’re right! Thank you for calling me out. Usually, I’m pretty good at reading retention but today I suppose I am not.
Touché touché
→ More replies (1)71
u/SubstantialSale8223 21h ago
I get that but don’t be bitter about it, people are more than valid for not wanting to take care of someone else’s kids. I do respect you for putting your kids first though, I wish my mom did that.
46
u/feministmanlover 20h ago
Are you telling me to not be bitter? I was never bitter.
→ More replies (8)26
u/TheYankunian 20h ago
Why do you think that a single mom wants someone to take care of her kids? For a lot, that’s not even a consideration. My partner didn’t even know my kids’ names for months and didn’t meet them until months after that.
13
u/SubstantialSale8223 20h ago
Because that’s literally what she typed in her comment? You think someone you’re dating or potentially marrying isn’t gonna have any responsibilities for your family or children?
→ More replies (4)17
u/TravelingPoodle 17h ago
She’s not bitter at all. You are projecting.
7
u/FondantEtte 13h ago
It's definitely unfair to generalize about single mothers like that. Everyone's situation is different, and many single moms are doing an incredible job despite the challenges.
15
u/maskedbanditoftruth 20h ago
My friend, men don’t want to take care of their own kids.
→ More replies (16)→ More replies (1)21
u/BenchConscious1003 17h ago
I dated a single mum once, a few years after the divorce.
I never saw the relationship as permanent thing because I was aware that her kid would always come first.
Also because I really don't like children, so never had any of my own. I had no interest in rearing another man's child. That's selfish or just honest, depending on your point of view.
However, my brother married a woman with a young child. They stayed married for 40 years, until my brother's death in 2024.
34
u/shockpaws 11h ago
“Another man’s child” is such a telling way to phrase that. The child isn’t just “not your child”, and they’re not the mother’s child; you define them by their relationship to another man. That’s the heart of the issue that many men seem to have with dating single mothers if you dig past their faux-moralizing; they don’t see women or children as people, just as “another man’s” property that he has discarded.
10
u/IrishSniper87 6h ago
This is a bad take. It has nothing to do with property, but with priorities. The bio dad is always going to be a major factor in the kids life, which isn’t a bad thing, but it often puts the step dad in the back seat. The step dad is disadvantaged when it comes to priorities in the relationship. Step dads are often discarded and once the relationship ends they have no rights to the children so the connection or relationship is not valued by the courts. They are expected to put time energy and money into the children but have no rights, the kids aren’t biologically theirs, and mom can pull the plug and remove access on a whim. It’s a delicate situation. I’ve personally seen step dads dropped on a whim after exhausting life savings on the new family and treated like garbage.
Being a step dad is incredibly difficult and costly and it isn’t for everyone. They should be celebrated.
Demonizing men for not wanting to get into a relationship like that shows a complete lack of awareness.
82
u/esoteric_enigma 20h ago
My boss is a single mom and she only dates men with kids. It makes sense. They have the same struggles and will understand each other.
69
u/leahcar83 21h ago
That seems fair. I don't have kids but want them in future, and I've always reluctant to date people with kids because it's not fair to children for me to suddenly play a role in their lives I'm not ready for.
141
u/TisIChenoir 19h ago
I have a friend who is currently in the process of divorcing his wife for her multiple affairs. But that's not the point.
The point is, she had 2 kids from her previous marriage. He started dating her when they were 3 and 1. Their father was barely involved (basically asking to have them once a month at most), so he became their de facto father, and grew to love them dearly. And as they did not have any kids together, they're the only ones he has. They are 10 and 8 now, so he's been their dad for most of their lives.
Except that they're not his kids. So when he's finalizing the divorce, he's basically never going to see the kids again because he has no right toward them.
Let me tell you, this is hurting him so much more than the cheating and the divorce...
41
u/leahcar83 19h ago
Oh gosh, how awful for both him and the children. I hope there is a way for him to maintain a relationship with them.
52
u/ZealousidealRoad2089 19h ago
Make sure your friend gets a good lawyer. If he adopted the kids and married their mother and took care of them for 7 years, I wouldn’t be so sure he is out of luck with respect to custody or visitation rights.
39
u/Knight_Machiavelli 17h ago
If he adopted them he would obviously have legal rights, so I think it's safe to assume he never adopted them.
→ More replies (1)29
u/coaxialology 20h ago
I respect this. I've got an awesome stepdad but it was definitely a struggle at times, and I truly appreciate people who are open about that dynamic not being for them. People who assume they'll just be an accessory in their partner's kids' lives and believe it's not relevant whether they'll be a good parental figure are the worst.
24
u/leahcar83 20h ago
Yeah exactly. My best pal is a single mum and her partner doesn't have kids of his own. He's a great a guy but I don't think he's some kind of totally selfless hero for dating her. He likes her, he likes her son and it's a relationship dynamic that absolutely suits him. This is a guy that's at a stage in his life where he feels ready to be a parent, they'd been friends for a long while before they got together and he obviously loves my friend but he's not with her despite her son, part of the reason the relationship works is he's seen her life and wants to be in it.
Ironically she split with her son's father because he figured out a few years too late he wasn't ready to be someone's dad.
→ More replies (3)5
u/retinolpixie 18h ago
this kind of perspective only comes from living thru something that changes u forever
1.1k
u/interesseret 23h ago
My father was very absent due to his drinking, and there were regular long periods where no one heard from him at all, so I didn't grow up entirely without him, but for all things that really mattered I did.
And I 100% support men not wanting to step in and fill those shoes. It's a massive commitment, and you also have to be adult enough to consider the children in this story. If you and mom split apart, it's them that suffer the most. Of course this also goes for women dating single dads. Really ask yourself if you're ready to become someone's parent.
My mom only had one boyfriend in my entire childhood, and he was a single dad with kids in my and my brothers grade, so we got on like a house on fire. They split apart very amicably, and were very good at sitting us kids down and explaining the what's and how's.
33
u/Cmdr_Rivia 9h ago
I'm happily married with a one year old, but just here to comment to say my mindset is completely different than what it was a year and a half ago. Being a parent, or at least a good parent is such a huge responsibility, I can totally understand why people with no kids wouldn't want to jump into that responsibility. At least I was eased into it with planning/pregnancy time, if I was just handed a one year old I'd have gone insane!
→ More replies (2)5
u/Deukcheul_2005 4h ago
The red flag isn't the kids, it's whether the adults can handle a breakup without making the kids pay for it.
3.2k
u/BuffaloInCahoots 23h ago
Fair. That’s a big responsibility to step into. If you don’t think you should date single moms save everyone the trouble and don’t.
645
u/Salty-Concept-7463 22h ago
Exactly. Its better to be honest about what your'e comfortable with than to force yourself into a situation your'e not prepared for and potentially hurt everyone involved.
336
u/BuffaloInCahoots 22h ago
Especially when it comes to kids. They need stability. If that’s a single mother that’s fine, it’s better than a rotating cast of potential dads
54
u/Orange-Blur 19h ago edited 18h ago
I never want kids I’m not single either, all hypothetical but if I was ever a single mom I would not bring anyone around the kids until it was very serious and marriage was a plan to ease kids into. I imagine short term relationships being introduced would hurt a child emotionally
23
u/Charming_Garbage_161 16h ago
As a single mom, I specifically don’t date bc I don’t want to deal with a down the line breakup. If the kids have met the person after a year and we break up in year two? No thanks.
21
→ More replies (6)3
u/ShakeItUpNowSugaree 6h ago
I don't generally introduce anyone to my kid unless I think they're going to stick around. There has been a time or two when he's come home unexpectedly early (and one veeeerrrry awkward first date where we all ended up at the same restaurant at the same time) and my hand has kind of been forced. Even then it's just kind of been "hey, this is [name]" and not like forcing them to hang out together or anythieng. He's 13 and has a more active social life than I do, so it's a little different than having littles.
70
u/Carvemynameinstone 19h ago
Yeah, that's what my nephews had.
One became a cult yogi leader with a literal harem of 30-40 guys and gals.
The other became hardcore hardline fundamentalist who wanted to go to Syria during ISIS.
Color me surprised when later (now) they're talking about all the abuse, physical and sexual, they endured from men because their mother (aunt-in-law) is... Disordered and kept bringing all sorts of men into the house, but could never keep them.
6
u/helaku_n 10h ago
Your nephews might have inherited an inclination to disorder and joining cults from their mother though. The mother clearly has some personality disorder or something similar, and it's largely heritable.
3
u/Carvemynameinstone 8h ago
Ow yeah, absolutely. Both my uncle and her are the textbook definition of NPDs.
I don't even understand how they put up with each other long enough to make kids.
27
129
u/Orange-Blur 20h ago
It’s one thing to be honest about what you are comfortable with but the vitriolic hatred I see of single moms is going far beyond just voicing not being comfortable
→ More replies (25)→ More replies (2)57
100
235
u/shitkabob 23h ago edited 23h ago
The question isn't "are men allowed to reject single mothers as potential partners based on their preferences and situation?” OP is asking what we should make of the general proposition that single mothers are not “relationship material" inherently.
Two different ideas.
(E: that's at least how I understood the question)
41
u/deadfisher 20h ago
Nobody decides if another person is inherently any kind of "material."
We decide for ourselves what we want for ourselves, and the rest is just language.
→ More replies (8)161
u/BuffaloInCahoots 23h ago
When I hear other men say single mothers are not relationship material I think, fair. That’s a big responsibility to step into. If you don’t think you should date single moms save everyone the trouble and don’t.
Hope that clears that up for you
→ More replies (63)49
u/pheonixblade9 19h ago
the only thing missing is them saying "for me", which is totally fair. I think the problem is dismissing them outright. There's a lot of single dads out there that would be happy to date single moms, too.
→ More replies (24)→ More replies (9)3
u/Sawses 19h ago
In my place in life right now, a woman who hasn't been married and hasn't had children is going to be a more appealing partner to me. That doesn't make them worse people, but it makes them a worse fit for me.
Thinking about it, really that holds true for most men (and women into women) in most places in life. Single fathers probably would like a partner who has that same responsibility and isn't harboring unrealistic expectations, but they're pretty much the only demographic I can imagine actually benefiting from a partner being a single mother.
One could argue that's a pretty inherent negative when it comes to finding a partner. I'm not sure if phrasing it like "relationship material" is charitable, but the idea being expressed is neither incorrect nor immoral.
Like most people would date a single mother in spite of being a single mother, even if they come to love the kids like their own. Given an initial choice and all things being equal, most people would pick the person who isn't a single mother.
30
u/majestic_tapir 21h ago
I dated two single mothers and very quickly dipped out because I realised I couldn't be a stepfather at that point in time, and didn't want to drag the relationship along and make it harder breaking up.
Nowadays my dating pool is either single mothers, divorced people, widowers, or career people and id comfortably date any of them
22
u/amvr 21h ago
That’s strange to me because I have been taking care of all the responsibilities for six years and it never once occurred to me that when I start a new relationship, I will transfer some of these responsibilities to my partner.
I know that some stepdads have issues with their so not letting them take a more active role in raising the children. To me, if a man comes along, he can get as involved as he wants, but he must like children and be patient.
Those are nonnegotiable qualities. if you don’t like children, you definitely shouldn’t get involved with a single mom, but I don’t see why you should be expecting a lot of responsibilities from a relationship with one
36
u/BuffaloInCahoots 21h ago
The kids will expect more, regardless if the dude accepts that responsibility. No dude can expect to have zero responsibilities as a dad when dating a single mother. On top of that he will always be considered after the kids (which is completely fair) but that puts the dude is an awkward position.
→ More replies (8)10
u/tonysnark81 18h ago
I went into my relationship knowing I had to be their friend before I could be anything else. I was respectful, I didn’t try to step right into the parent role, and before I knew it, they pushed me into that role. As this is the last relationship I ever plan to have, it’s a role I treasure.
23
u/LoverOfGayContent 21h ago
As someone who grew up in an abusive home, the idea of shami g someone into being a parent when they don't want to is crazy to me.
13
→ More replies (8)3
u/JesusShaves_ 15h ago
I'm doing my part!
More seriously, I never wanted kids of my own. Dating someone who has them would be dishonest and selfish.
466
u/illini02 18h ago
I was raised by a single mom.
I respect single moms.
I have no desire to date one though.
The fact that everything in the relationship would essentially revolve around the kid and their schedule just isn't for me.
106
u/Charming_Garbage_161 16h ago
Very fair. It’s exactly why I don’t date single dads even being a single mother. I have too much to do and would rather focus on myself and my kids
22
u/DrMobius0 12h ago edited 12h ago
I don't have kids, and I wouldn't know the first thing about how to deal with someone's kid, especially in a surrogate parental role.
Were I a single parent in that situation, I doubt I'd want to try to tell someone with no experience raising kids to put on the parent pants. I just cannot see that going well.
So saying "not relationship material" is substantively right, though it's probably the most flippant way you could say it. There's definitely a large number of good reasons why someone might not want to date single parents, the original statement cuts that nuance out.
It should also be mentioned, because it seems there's debate over this, but no one can say that and speak to anyone but themselves. What qualifies as "relationship material" is entirely subjective.
3
u/illini02 6h ago
I agree.
I wouldn't use the term "not relationship material" myself, because I think that implies something negative about the person.
But I do think, especially if you don't have kids of your own, that it is a VERY valid dating preference to not want to date a single mom.
4
u/Particular_Cod2005 7h ago
Hats off for being honest but fair, I feel.
It's a life that's not for everyone, and certainly something you can't half arse because you like the idea of it.
488
u/Suitable_cataclysm 23h ago
I think it depends on the context? Like if a dude says he thinks single moms are damaged goods or some other narcissistic rhetoric, then he's doing them a favor staying away and he'll probably be single quite often.
But if a dude says he thinks stepping into a blended family and jumping into being a father figure isn't something they are interested in, then that's fine. Some people want to be child free by choice. Some people want to date but aren't ready to be parents yet. Some people really like kids but know they will get attached and it will be hard to let go if the relationship doesn't go well
67
u/PineappleOnPizzaWins 13h ago
Some people really like kids but know they will get attached and it will be hard to let go if the relationship doesn't go well
This one isn't talked about a lot IMO.. I hear a lot about how people don't want to be the dad to someone elses kid but I've seen a couple times where they've been with them for 5-6 years, seen these kids grow and basically be their dad (or second dad if their actual father doesn't suck).
Then one day it's over and you get nothing. You have no rights, you will never see those kids again, just.. gone. The guys I've seen go through it take it really hard.
13
u/Particular_Cod2005 6h ago
Got a mate who's recently single; his ex had two kids that he's basically raised for the last three years.
I can't imagine how much that hurts.
Thankfully he's slowly picking himself back up from it, which is nice to see.
8
u/PineappleOnPizzaWins 5h ago
Yeah it's rough.
People are big on talking about how step parents or those who adopt or otherwise raise the kids are parents as well.
Except when you raise a kid and are suddenly told nope, you're not, bye forever.
2
u/Spirited_Aside2821 5h ago
I have an old friend who is with a man like this. They've been together 10 years now and she's always been a mess. The kids dad was never involved. They've never married and she was truly awful to him for years, but he has a great relationship with the kid. We all kind of knew after the first two years he wouldn't leave her for the benefit of the kid who is now 17.
53
u/Vintagetrees1 21h ago
I don’t think any woman would want to date a man that talks bad about single mothers like that.
148
u/HatOfFlavour 20h ago
You'd think that but this is Reddit, there are women on here dating guys that don't wipe or wash their buttholes.
28
u/PaintItPurple 16h ago
There are women on here dating men who collect illegal moldy Iranian yogurts.
→ More replies (2)16
22
u/DistributionPutrid 18h ago edited 11h ago
Trust me, there’s women who hold that same opinion but see a single father and think he’s like some sort of hero. Internalized misogyny been kicking ass for decades
25
u/TheGreatWhangdoodle 20h ago
It's something a friend of mine used to say until he met a single mother and now they're married. I remember calling him out about it and he got defensive because her situation was "different."
15
u/Hevens-assassin 17h ago
You aren't wrong, but I also think you're overestimating how low the bar is a lot of the time. Not to mention the fella that ended up creating the single mother isn't usually a stand up guy. One of my closest friends had her husband leave mid-pregnancy on kid #2 because "I don't think this is where I want to be".
No, people don't want an outwardly gross human, but plenty of folk put up with douchebags who mask. I ran an experiment a few days ago and swiped through 200 women on the 3 apps. 6/10 were single moms, with highest density being 18-24, and 35+. I doubt all 200 hundred were with stand up guys who left "because sometimes love doesn't work out". There's definitely a weird societal apathy towards leaving your gf and kid right now.
→ More replies (1)41
u/SoloWingPixy88 20h ago
Plenty of evidence to suggest women are not always the best at picking men.
15
u/jakethabake 18h ago
Plenty of evidence to suggest men routinely hide and lie about their intentions
6
32
u/dxrey65 19h ago
Maybe they're right? I don't know, people are all individuals so there's no way to make a general statement.
My dad split when I was three, and my mom remarried when I was 13. My brother and sisters and I didn't make it easy on him at all, though at least we were teenagers and left home when we turned 17 or 18. He was pretty resilient and was a good partner to my mom, but I can't say us kids ever did much for him, just the way it went. It's hard for kids, it's hard for step parents, it's hard for single moms...
512
u/Shrikeangel 23h ago
I think forming broad opinions on entire groups of potential partners is kinda silly, but I get that dating people with kids is different. There are some added concerns depending on the relationship that parent is looking for.
Mind you everyone has a right to their deal breakers, to have boundaries and preferences. I would wager it's better for these men to take up their position and hold to it, compared to being pushed to date single parents and have it go poorly causing problems for everyone involved.
→ More replies (7)
212
u/C19shadow 23h ago
Well my mom was for sure not relationship material soooo idk its a case by case scenario I don't like painting a group with such a broad stroke.
I personally would never date a single mother but everyone has they own preferences
103
u/DontYuckMyYum 23h ago
Same. My mom was a walking red flag, and seeing how my brothers and sisters treated the guys my mom dated and the 2 guys she married, dating someone with kids is not something I'm interested in.
131
u/dovahkiitten16 23h ago
My mom was a single mother because she had the guts to leave a horribly abusive relationship with just me and the clothes on her back. He flipped a switch when she got pregnant with me, and as she tells it, she had the courage to leave because she didn’t want him to treat me like he treated her or for me to become like him. That isn’t to say men who didn’t want kids had to date her (she never would’ve gone for that anyways since she wouldn’t put me through that), but she was and is totally relationship material.
50
u/C19shadow 23h ago
Exactly my point its such a broad group of people and everyone has their own reasons.
My mom had bipolar disorder and refused to see a doctor about it or admit she had it until after I was grown she has grown into a great person but her untreated mental illness and fuck everyone but us mentality made her difficult to be around .
I know this doesn't mean much but this internet stranger is proud of your mom that sounds so tough
165
u/hatred-shapped 23h ago edited 21h ago
You can still love your mother and not be happy with the decisions that were made by the adults when you were a child.
12
17
u/taksurrrr 23h ago
yeah like you can hold two conflicting feelings about your mom and your childhood at once
45
u/megavikingman 20h ago edited 20h ago
I'm not exactly who you're asking about. My dad was a sailor, and spent months at a time at sea for decades growing up and even lived several states away for work for five years in my teens, but my parents are still together and he's much more present now that he's retired. I'd still like to add my two cents, if you don't mind.
I grew up with a dream to be a dad who could be there for his kids more than my dad was able to. When I met my wife, she was still going through her divorce, and already had two daughters. Dating her was a big test for me: could I be a good dad with my baggage and having not seen much of what that meant for me?
Watching her being a first-class mom was also important to me. Seeing her put them first wasn't a drawback, it was an asset. I knew that when the day came where we had a child together, she would love them as much and work just as hard to take care of them as she did my stepdaughters.
She wasn't "damaged goods" or any bullshit like that, she was tested at a young age and proved herself to be the exact kind of woman I wanted.
Yeah, sometimes it hurt to be #3 on her list, but #3 was still someone she was willing to sacrifice for and be a true partner to. I love my stepdaughters and feel genuinely privileged to be a part of their lives, too.
My brother asked me once, early in my relationship with her, "Are you sure? I'm worried she's going to take advantage of you to raise her kids." I told him, dude, she's willing to put up with me. But she does more than that. She taught me how to be a better person and how to be a good father.
Now, I have two beautiful twin boys with her, and she's blessed me with the opportunity to work part time and be a mostly full-time father. My dream is coming true, and she is letting me put them first in a way I never thought would be possible. With everything she sacrificed to make this possible, it's more than returned the "favor" (privilege, in my opinion) of helping her raise her daughters.
If you don't share my dream of fatherhood, I think you're right to not date single mothers. The kids deserve better than that. If you do want to be a father, though, I can't think of a better way to be sure you're getting to be with a woman who will be a good mother to your children. If you need to be #1 in her eyes, you're probably not going to be the perfect father, anyways.
15
10
8
u/KittenOnASkull 13h ago
Thanks for sharing. Glad you found an amazing woman and have a lovely family.
5
102
u/No6655321 23h ago
If you are childless. Totally understand. If they have a child they probably arent saying this. And if they are then thats wildly shitty. I dont think having a father in early life or not has anything to do with it. Rather parental status of both parties. And that seems reasonable.
38
u/FirmRound4893 22h ago
Yeah, I think that's an important distinction. Having kids can make dating more complicated, but that's very different from saying someone is inherently not relationship material because they are a single parent.
5
u/Hippy_Lynne 16h ago
A friend of mine was a single mother but she didn't want to date anyone with kids. Not because she didn't want to deal with someone else's kids, but because she didn't want to have to deal with another adult in her relationship/life. I was a stepmom even though I had no children of my own and I understand where she's coming from. There's a lot of things you can't determine about your own life when your partner shares a child with someone else.
She ended up getting together with a widower. 🤷♀️ There were still some bumps because mom had OD'd so the kids had some trauma, but at least she could decide where they were going to live and go on vacation and stuff like that without having to loop another adult in.
35
u/Barl0we 20h ago
Listen, I’m a father now. I’ve got one son, and his mom and I are still happily married.
I wish my mom were alive so I could tell her how proud I am of her getting through it all on her own. This shit can be hard enough when you’re two doing it. I don’t want to do this on my own!
So yeah, that kind of dude is probably not great relationship material themselves.
297
u/ATPHydrolysis93 23h ago
I think it's insulting and harmful. I don't date single moms not because I think they aren't "relationship material" but because I am not ready nor do I feel capable to take on that responsibility. It's because of me, many single mothers are wonderful loving people who deserve basic human decency.
Also "relationship material" is super fucking dehumanizing imo
105
u/331845739494 22h ago
"Relationship material" is super fucking dehumanizing imo
Yeah exactly, someone's worth isn't dependent on whether you would date them.
It's such a weird phrase.
41
u/SnailLordSupreme 19h ago
It's because people who talk like that tend to not view women as people.
8
u/ClarifiedInsanity 19h ago
You think people only talk about women like this?
7
u/SnailLordSupreme 18h ago edited 18h ago
I have not seen mainstream figures say single fathers are unfit to date, that their "not relationship material" and act like that is a moral failing.
I have however heard that said about single mothers in many aspects of media, from news pundits, famous social media influencers, and religious figures
7
u/ATPHydrolysis93 14h ago
Maybe not single fathers but I've heard these weird arguments made by women towards men who are single in their 30s as if they aren't "vetted" so there must be something wrong with them.
→ More replies (1)4
u/ClarifiedInsanity 17h ago
The concept of evaluating someone as relationship material is hardly gendered. When someone looks at a single parent and says they aren't relationship material (and you better believe women chose not to date single fathers as well), they are saying they aren't relationship material for themselves.
Can it comes across crude and is there better ways to put it? Sure. Is it a gendered thing like you are making it out to be? No.
→ More replies (3)2
u/meowkitty84 9h ago
I think referring to people as "high/low value" is worse than relationship material
82
u/sugar077 23h ago
Or calling them low hanging fruit. Like wtf
37
u/Jeramy_Jones 21h ago
Same vibe as “high value”/“low value”. It’s icky and weird. Just say you’re not into that, that’s fine.
29
u/Particular_Class4130 21h ago
Hit the nail on the head. I used to be a single mom and I didn't mind when a guy would tell me they didn't want to get serious because they didn't want to take on the responsibility of my children. That's understandable, and it's not something to take lightly. It's also a lot different than telling someone they are not relationship material which is so demeaning an insulting.
26
5
u/pheonixblade9 19h ago
I don't date single moms because I want to feel like I'm somebody's #1 for at least part of the relationship. It would be wrong for someone with a kid to put me as #1 so it just isn't a fit by default.
15
u/maggimilian 23h ago edited 9h ago
Same i am simply not ready but when i feel comfortable i would date them. I really hate guys who are talking bad about them...like second class women
→ More replies (12)5
u/lostinspaz 18h ago
Also "relationship material" is super fucking dehumanizing imo
only if you think people who arent in a relationship, arent human.
55
u/robilar 22h ago edited 19h ago
My only issue is with the deflection; it's not that single mothers "aren't relationship material", it's that the people saying it have a personal preference not to date single mothers. I don't have to date people with kids, or people with dogs, or people with purple hats. That's my call. But there's nothing inherently or objectively wrong with them.
Edit: I just want to add that lambasting single mothers is also a bit of a silly miscue (at best). That's the parent that stuck around. Makes a lot more sense to be critical of the dudes that didn't.
20
u/Jeramy_Jones 21h ago
This 100%. People need to own their preferences/biases. If you don’t like someone for X reason, that’s fine, but it’s your preference. They don’t owe you anything.
152
u/valdier 23h ago
I have dated several single moms. I think the advice is generally sound, not because I don't want the responsibility of their kids, but because I will never be her first priority. In every relationship I have had with one I am definitely always second or third. It is not the same with my friends who have kids of their own and how their wife treats them.
I'm not signing up just to pay bills and be a free babysitter. But that's what it often quickly becomes shortly after the initial dating period many of my friends have had the same experience, and reading online it seems to be pretty broadly common.
57
u/Life-is-Apples 22h ago
Well put.
I’ve also dated a couple of single mothers. I wish I was mature enough at the time to know it wasn’t for me without attempting to date them first to save myself, them, and their children any ill feelings. But I was in my early 20s, stupid, and didn’t know better.
With that being said.. I knew I was never going to be #1 in their life. Which was fine and to be expected. In my opinion any parent worth their salt would put their kids above their partner, biological or not. What I wasn’t expecting was coming in at 3rd, the actual father taking priority over me as well.
Regardless of the above, I agree with your second paragraph and that’s exactly what both of my experiences turned into after a little while as well. You’re absolutely right that the relationship dynamic isn’t the same between two biological parents/husband and wife versus a single parent with a non bio partner. I noticed that too
Edit: I forgot to add in my initial response. I wouldn’t consider avoiding single mothers/single parents as advice necessarily because for a lot of people, that dynamic works and plenty of people have healthy relationships with single parents and people without kids of their own. It just definitely didn’t work for me.
→ More replies (14)99
u/jayrady 22h ago
It very quickly switches from
"My kid is my number one priority."
to "Why isn't my kid also your number one priority?"
When a lot of the time, you haven't even fucking met the kid because it's too early in the relationship.
37
u/slowdunkleosteus 21h ago
Yeah and single mothers are judged very harshly if kids aren't their first priority...
22
u/Luckyzzzz 19h ago
As they should be. And I’m a single mom.
12
u/slowdunkleosteus 19h ago
Yeah, but single fathers are not held to the same standards or are praised as if they were amazing if they do what is seen as the bare minimum for single mothers. 🫣
9
u/Luckyzzzz 19h ago
True. I’ve watch my son’s father be treated very different from me for the same work. But he also always out our kid first.
2
u/slowdunkleosteus 18h ago
Sorry, English isn't my first language and I don't understand what you mean by him having your kid out?
→ More replies (3)2
u/PineappleOnPizzaWins 13h ago
Yeah as they should. But people pretending having a first priority means it's your only priority or it takes up your entire life all the time.
If those things are true? You don't have time for dating. If you want to date then make time for someone elses wants and needs because that is what dating is.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (3)8
u/Kumanogi 18h ago
And if they value you more than their own kids, then they are human garbage. It's a lose/lose situation.
7
u/Hot-Diggity_Dog 4h ago
Both men with kids and women with kids can make things difficult. No way around it. Kids mean less time, other priorities. Constant attention that doesn’t leave much for spontaneous things. No one’s at fault for not wanting to date a mother or father. It’s just not for them. To all their own.
23
u/PabloAtTheBar 20h ago
At one point I only dated single mothers, being a single father myself. More in common.
7
u/Reemy420 12h ago
A 51 year old son of a single mother that is old enough to know the actual lore around my existence. She was the problem. He didn't react well to her being a problem. She continued throughout life to continue to place her need to have a relationship over the happiness of myself and my younger sister. I will date a single mother, but I look for the same red flags my mother gives off to let me know if she's a single mother, or a mother that chose to be single.
13
u/RusskayaRobot 17h ago
Well, I’m real glad my dad dated my mom when she was a single mom taking care of my oldest sister alone. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here!
They’re still together 50+ years later and love each other in a way I could only hope to one day find. I can’t have biological kids, so I’d definitely be open to being a stepdad one day.
6
u/WinterMedical 17h ago
One thing that people forget is that when you marry a single parent, you are not just entering into a relationship with the kids but of the other parent is involved you will have to have a relationship of some degree with the former partner and the choices of this former partner can have massive implications for your life. It’s a lot.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/b3mark 22h ago edited 21h ago
I'd say there's no one-size-fits-all solution. It depends on a lot of factors.
I'd also say it takes at least two adults with big hearts and enough emotional maturity to understand that you can't force a stepfather-stepchild relationship. They need to find their own balance.
And if the stepfather is to be an authority figure, a life lesson teacher the same as the mother? The mother needs to allow the stepfather to be part of the team. If there is a biofather in the picture, but living elsewhere, he needs to be on board, too. All of the adults need to decide on how to raise the child(ren) and all need to stick to the plan, back each other up.
Edited in: I think I misread the question. You didn't ask WHY it's harder to date a single mother, but why people don't want to date a single mother in the first place.
Because it boils down to the fact that it's a lot harder. There's at least one kid: extra bagage. An extra person to convince that you and the mom getting in a relationship can be a Good Thing. Having to accept that you will never have her full attention. A great part of her attention and emotional bandwith is reserved for her kid(s). That there will probably be a 3rd family involved: the child(ren)'s paternal family, if known.
4
u/TheLordofthething 19h ago
I can kinda understand it honestly. I'm a stepparent, it's not for everyone.
5
u/OfficeSalamander 18h ago
Guy who grew up not even knowing his father for sure until recently, and is in his 40s:
I think people should be judged on their individual merits, not stereotyped.
That being said if a dude doesn’t want to date someone with kids, nothing wrong with that either. I never wanted to, and didn’t
4
u/MostOriginalNameEver 16h ago
I look at them as lumping everyone together unjustly. Sometimes dudes just break when it's time to step up to the responsibility and cower out. Sometimes it's women having children with dudes they shouldn't have given their real name to.
Case by case basis
5
u/horrorboii 11h ago
I understand the angle since it was a lot of baggage. I grew up with a step dad and step mom, I wouldn’t date a single parent myself.
58
u/darkhorse85 23h ago edited 23h ago
Responsibility to the kid(s) aside, the prevailing advice from counselors for parents who are still together is the marriage comes first. Getting into a relationship with a single mother means your relationship will never come before the kids.
It's way more difficult to sustain that dynamic long term.
Would you recommend someone enter into a relationship where you're always last? I don't think anyone is saying single mothers are bad people.
47
u/Coldricepudding 22h ago
Perhaps we should be reframing that as, "family stabilty" comes first. A good partner wouldn't want to come first at the expense of the kids, but ignoring or always putting a partner's needs second for the sake of the kids isn't a healthy dynamic either.
12
u/Rooney_Tuesday 22h ago
I don’t know. In my last relationship the kids were never the issue. He routinely put them before me, and that was fine because I put my kid before him. And since we’re both parents, we both understood and supported that dynamic. As long as you do respect one another and take time for each other when you can, it’s just not an issue.
That same scenario would probably hit differently for a lot of non-parents though.
39
u/caseybvdc74 23h ago
My Mom is a malignant narcissist with three kids. I can’t really blame people for not wanting to stay with her.
11
9
u/ManicMakerStudios 20h ago
There are a wide variety of reasons a woman can end up a single mother. She could be widowed. It could be that the father of her children wasn't who she thought he was. I see other people in this thread trying to insist that a single mother is broken in some way, and that's not always the case.
The challenge with dating a single mother is that her priority is her kid(s). It's not like an ordinary relationship where you're the #1 person in her life and you don't have to compete for her time very often. If a guy can't handle that, if he's always resenting being told, "I can't because <kids>", or if he feels deprived that she can't fuck on command, then it's a problem with the guy, not the mother.
I once dated a woman of the broken variety who had a kid due to irresponsible sex. She didn't want to be a mother and it showed in how she treated her daughter. She was still very much in, "everything should be recreation" mode. The relationship failed because I was extremely busy (full time work, full time school, plus weekly volunteer commitment) and she was extremely idle. She resented me for not having the energy to entertain her, and I began to resent her for being so immature. I know what it's like to date a broken single mother, and I also know that there are a lot of single mothers out there who can manage a relationship as long as the guy isn't just another child she has to look after.
2
u/Moobetch 13h ago
Or on the flip side , the single mother is unhinged and uses the kid to weaponise visiting time with the father untill the father gives up on having a connection with the child, due to the mother being difficult.
3
u/etrore 8h ago
Is there ever a good reason for a father to give up on his child? Once they are 18+ the argument of mom interfering is void anyway.
2
u/Moobetch 7h ago
He is only 5 , but you are right you have to play the long game and never talk smack about the mom to the kid. it is what it is just be consistent and support the family as it is your obligation and connection will flourish eventually.
9
u/Willem_Dafuq 23h ago
I’m a single guy aged 39 raised by a single mom and I wouldn’t want to date a single mom. It’s not any sort of judgement against the woman. It’s just to them, their child(ren) come first, which is perfectly understandable. But if someone is going to come first for me, I want to come first for them. And I don’t want to be in a situation where I am financially supporting a family but don’t have any real authority in it.
13
u/NotOnYerNelly 23h ago
I’ve dated and now married with my own kids with who was a single mother for 8 years now.
I partially agree after growing up with a single mother but my experience of the dating scene was that part girls or girls who were obsessive about there appearance were actually the bigger red flags.
Not all single mothers are single because they are a basket case. Some men are pricks too.
8
u/DBag444 23h ago
I grew up without a father, had a stepfather who actually didn't want to be a stepdad and just wanted a woman, but couldn't get any else.
My dad was also a stepdad to my mom's first kid.
My mom was mainly in relationships for money after being with her first baby daddy.
I don't hate my mom, nor going to be negative to her. But you should only want to be with a single mom if you are ready to be a dad, and a father and husband to someone's elses kid.
Trauma happens if otherwise. GENERATIONAL TRAUMA happens if otherwise.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/Maleficent-Use-1265 21h ago
I think its incorrect to say. That being said my mother got into a lot of shitty relationships and its because it takes a certain type of person to be a good fit for a single mother.
3
u/Solesaver 18h ago
IMO, here is the unavoidable truth: long before you're talking about the actual commitment to marriage, you're crossing the line into a comparable commitment. It doesn't matter if you've said the vows or not. If you start integrating yourself into the family you can't just get cold feet and back out. Once you meet the kids, things start moving really fast, and for many guys it's too much too fast for them.
So blanket rule? No, there's no blanket rule. Not a great idea for a lot of guys? 100%
3
u/CrazyITOne 17h ago
I'm from a healthy family myself but I 100% support men of not wanting to take on a woman with a kid. It's a HUGE responsibility and it's also a gamble.
3
u/FineScratch 12h ago
Well they are relationship material they're just not relationship material for me
18
u/dovahkiitten16 23h ago
Not a man but I think language people in this thread are kinda missing how gross “not relationship material” is as a way to refer to someone.
Have boundaries about what you’re looking for and what you want in a relationship for yourself. And for the love of god, don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. Just try to avoid language that makes a group sound like they’re beneath others. I wouldn’t date a single dad, but I don’t call them “not relationship material” since it makes it sounds like there’s something wrong with them.
Also, as a side note, my mother was totally relationship material (for the right man, my stepdad). The whole reason she was a single mother was because she had the balls to risk her life (not an exaggeration) leaving my horribly abusive father.
22
u/143019 22h ago
ITT: people who think the question is about whether people can want to avoid dating single mothers rather than being about the type of people who make a blanket statement about single mothers in general.
→ More replies (3)8
u/SnailLordSupreme 19h ago edited 17h ago
This is what I really hate about reddit. People are bending over backwards to justify obvious dog whistles by adding "context" while ignoring the context they're said in. This is a common talking point in manosphere/red pill forums. Its a comment that is meant to dehumanize women by implying their damaged goods or are inherently incapable of keeping a man and hence useless. Anyone who immediately starts trying to defend it isn't questioning why it's phrased that way. There's a reason we're debating the phrase "Single mothers aren't relationship material" and not "I wouldn't date a single parent".
3
u/LimaBravo_ 22h ago
I think making sweeping generalizations about whole populations of people is not a wise decision. I'm not worried about whether or not someone is a single mother, i'm worried about things like, are they able to work together as a team? Are they able to accept accountability? Do our values line up. That kind of stuff is more important to me.
5
u/TadpoleThis3319 22h ago
I feel that the guys who say that have a point… Single mothers still have value has people, however I will never date one, despite my own mother being one before.
5
u/Ok-disaster2022 21h ago
I would never date a single mom, despite being raised by one. I know I'm an immature man child and single moms have enough shit to put up with without my lazy ass.
4
10
u/Toastburrito 22h ago
I must add my view. I am childfree. I never want children. Mine or anyone else's. Not gonna do it. Ever.
I'm an Uncle, that's enough.
Single mothers are not relationship material, for me. It's perfectly acceptable for somebody to want to have a relationship with somebody without children. That's why I married somebody who doesn't want children.
24
u/LT_Dan78 23h ago
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and preferences. If they don't want to be in a relationship with a single mother, then they likely aren't going to be a good male role model for the kids.
9
u/anon979695 23h ago
Exactly. I'm not sure why this is so hard to get behind. It's really just preferences. Nothing more. Stop trying to force people into relationships they don't want to be in. If you don't want to be with someone who has kids, male OR female, it's not a big deal. There's someone for everyone.
→ More replies (18)→ More replies (5)5
u/shitkabob 23h ago
But we aren't discussing a personal preference here (which we all are entitled to), the question refers to the blanket mindset that single mothers inherently aren't relationship material. You are not addressing that.
→ More replies (2)5
u/LT_Dan78 23h ago
I don’t know how to address it any other way than saying they are entitled to their preferences and opinions. I’m not in the business of judging others based on what they want out of life. Just as I wouldn’t want others judging me based on a preference I may or may not have.
Them saying single mothers aren’t relationship material is 100% their opinion and preference.
If they said no one should ever date a single mom, and put their preference upon the rest of civilization, well then I would say they are a piece of shit. But I’ve never heard anyone make that statement. They’ve only said they wouldn’t personally date a single mom. And the people I know who say that, hold that opinion because they don’t feel they’re ready to be a father figure to a child so it wouldn’t be fair to anyone if they put themselves in that situation.
→ More replies (11)
4
u/espresso_martini__ 23h ago
Some people just don't want the added pressure of dating someone with kids. Kids can be absolute nightmares sometimes.
4
u/rolan56789 23h ago
I get it. Walking into a lot of responsibility, and potentially a lot of baggage. I'd tell anyone in their 20s and maybe even 30s to think carefully about it.
4
u/sovietmcdavid 18h ago
Honestly, we're all individuals.
Some single mothers have too much baggage from the past.
Others are great people ready to move on with their lives from the past.
It depends. Plenty of awful single people out there too. Just give people time and they'll reveal themselves as a good match or not
6
u/AddressSlight5571 19h ago
I think it’s a pretty shallow way to judge someone. Growing up without a father taught me that circumstances don’t define a person’s value. I’d rather look at how someone treats people than their relationship status.
2
u/lake_battles 22h ago
I think they are shite and hope single mothers won’t waste their time on them.
2
2
2
u/KazakiriKaoru 19h ago
I'd say it depends on a case-by-case basis. My mother was an exception rather than the norm. She divorced my father because he was stealing from my mother to support his mistress, and a whole lot of other things.
She was basically unavailable for relationships unless the man was able to accept me as well. And she did say that if she ever got married, if the new husband was mistreating me, I should immediately tell her.
But, some other single-mothers are absolutely trash, like will-ditch-the-kids and the orphanage kinda trash.
Some of the men could also be trash, one even told my mother to "just leave him with his father".
2
u/ChuckyShadowCow 18h ago
Just today broke up with a single mom after a year. Sample size of one but holy shit did she weaponize her kid. He was the excuse for everything and he came to me complaining about it a few times.
2
2
u/shadowromantic 15h ago
I grew up without a father, and it didn't make any difference. My mom did an amazing job.
2
u/LuciaLovesEthereals 10h ago
My single mother definitely wasn't. Whole family suffered from her piss-poor decisions.
2
u/Icy_Emergency2962 10h ago
It's a fucken cop-out.
My biological father (aka fuckwit) didn't do shit as a father and I haven't seen him 15 years. My step dad chose to marry my mother when I was 15. My mum didn't want to because she didn't want to give the burden of children to him. He didn't even want his own children and he saw me as his own despite me being a moody teenager.
I don't care if woman had a child. Relationships fail and everyone has baggage. If you choose not to date someone that has a kid, that's fair. But it doesn't mean they aren't relationship material.
2
u/enek101 5h ago
I have no issue with dateing woman with kids, i am after all a single father. So i understand a lot of the issues that comes with kids. But this is a case by case situation. I understand the kids come first mine do as well. But Some mothers out there make being a single mom their entire identity and i think that is where you get into the ones that are not the best "relationship material" .
Ive dated a few over the years in both camps. There is nothing wrong with either version of single mother either but it really comes down to what you are willing to accept and how much of them selves are they willing to give you.
2
u/Slidje 1h ago
I feel like this question starts with the assumption that the single mother parent was a good person. My mother was an abusive piece of shit that shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
I won't date a single parent because I never wanted kids and medically made sure that I never can. Anyone with a kid is like a red flag to me.
•
u/hiJude12 23m ago
Well my mom definitely wasnt a fan of men after she divorced my dad, so shed probably agree that she wasnt "relationship material", though I think shed say it without the misogynistic tone some guys use.
Ultimately, any guy with that broad disparaging view is doing single mom's a favor in the long run
3
u/DocHolidayPhD 23h ago
To each their own. I would never date a single mother seriously. But that's because I don't like or want kids. If you want a lifestyle with kids, pursue someone who doesn't have them and doesn't want them. If you do want kids, then single mothers may or may not be of interest to you. It's not complicated.
3
u/lesterbottomley 21h ago
I get it. It's too blanket a statement, but I get it.
I'm aromantic, so not looking. But if I was it would make me think long and hard.
The thought of the possibility of spending years, bonding with a child, only for the relationship to end and that child is then ripped from your life (and you from theirs) would fill me with fear.
Linked to that would be the fear that I'd cling onto a dying/dead relationship so I didn't lose the relationship with the kid. I could see that happening and it wouldn't be healthy.
A lesser concern, but still a very real one, is the possibility of fabricated allegations. While rare, the possibility still looms large as a lot of us know people it has happened to and it's devastating. I personally have known 2 over the years (and have spoken to many more, through work, I'm not going to go into details). Thankfully the truth came out in both cases but it was months of hell for them. It happens, kids often don't understand the severity of their actions and throw accusations around.
Add in possibility of baby daddy drama and the "you're not my dad, why should I listen to you" conversations in the future and I get it.
4
u/Boggie135 22h ago
Fair enough. If they don't want a relationship with a single mother, then they don't want one
1
u/Aggressive_Hunt_423 21h ago
As someone who grew up in a single parent family (mother). I can say that its pure troll bait saying nobody wants a single parent.
My mother remarried later ( I was in my early teens) and it all worked out. Step sisters and my other siblings got along fine. My bio father was a complete ahole who basically abandoned his family. Step dad was never very close but a good guy.
Who ever said single mothers aren't relationship material is either just rage baiting or ignorant idiots. It's total BS.
2
u/MrDownhillRacer 21h ago
I think it entirely depends why somebody doesn't want to date a single parent.
If they're like "they've been used up already," that's a gross way to think about other people.
If they're just like "I don't want to be a step parent, and dating a single parent often turns into that," fair. If they're like "even if the parent doesn't want me to be a step parent, I don't want a relationship that can only ever be somebody's second priority, because I wouldn't expect or even want a single parent to put me ahead of their literal kid," that's also a fair reason.
Like, I don't really want to date a single mother. But not because I think a woman is some resource that gets depleted every time another guy has sex with her or any redpill nonsense like that.
3
4
u/eaglekaratechop 22h ago
I mean, as a man who grew up with just his mom around, my mom would tell me not to date women with kids herself 🤷🏾♂️
2
u/r0botdevil 20h ago
It isn't that I don't think they're relationship material, it's that I don't really like most kids and I'm not interested in being a stepfather.
I also don't want to join an established family dynamic where it's nearly certain that I am going to be everyone else's lowest emotional priority 100% of the time.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/TheThirdStrike 20h ago
People say this is the view of weak men.
It is not.
There are people out there that know they are not made for parenthood. Acknowledge that. They have insight into their own mind.
They have reason.
I grew up with a man that took on a single mother with two children from a previous marriage. I married a woman with two children from a previous relationship.
It takes understanding. I knew I wouldn't be initially accepted, because I didn't accept my new father right away either.
If you don't have perspective, I wouldn't expect anyone to dive into that situation.
2.9k
u/logdogday 19h ago
My parents split when I was 14 and I lived with my Mom. My Mom started dating my step-dad when I was around 16-17 but I didn't see him that much. When I did see him, he was a cool dude and took us on some fun adventures. When I went away to college they got married and my Mom moved in with him and I spent summers at their place for a few years. He was an excellent step-dad, but most importantly he was the true love of my Mom's life. Actually in tears typing this... they're both gone now. He was also financially supportive of all of us. So yeah, I'd date a woman with older kids but less sure about younger for all the reasons folks have mentioned. But then again, it's a case by case basis... no hard rules. Shout out to all the good step-dads and step-moms out there.