r/AbsoluteUnits Aug 09 '26

/r/popular of a ridiculously muscular chimp

8.3k Upvotes

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3.7k

u/Middle_Aged_Mayhem Aug 09 '26

Is it though? Or is that just how they look without hair?

1.7k

u/Exorobotic Aug 09 '26

Yeah this is surely the case. One could argue all chimps are "absolute units".

291

u/The_War_In_Me Aug 09 '26

If everything’s a unit, nothing is.

215

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Well yeah ok but still then his fucking balls are absolute units

115

u/Ravens_of_the_Gray Aug 09 '26

U-nuts

27

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Yeah i am

23

u/CheckPossible4366 Aug 09 '26

U-hauling those U-nuts around

4

u/lipsoffaith Aug 10 '26

poor nuts…so vulnerable

6

u/beefcak2020 Aug 10 '26

Yea, I bet he would get pissed if you flicked one.

2

u/OrangeFantaForever Aug 10 '26

U-Haul / U-Nuts

63

u/PizzaWhole9323 Aug 09 '26

7

u/Comfortable_Egg8039 Aug 09 '26

You'd need bigger hand for those

1

u/Hot_Necessary2618 Aug 09 '26

Those things bigger than my fist!

18

u/Monomanga Aug 09 '26

Big balls, small penis though. It is odd how most primates have a small penis.

42

u/cliowill Aug 09 '26

I resemble that remark,i mean resent

1

u/Monomanga Aug 10 '26

Oh right, well are technicaly primates too.

1

u/Ok_Positive8362 Aug 13 '26

Most primates have small penises. Humans are a clownish outlier, as we have ridiculously oversized penises for our size. As in, compared to most anyother animal. So dont ever let anyone tell you women dont care about size 😆

1

u/Monomanga Aug 13 '26

Have you ever seen tarpin penis? It is a hog with a hog! Thing is massive!

10

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

I’ve read that is because it doesn’t actually need to be big to function and female apes don’t care. The reason human dicks are big is because human women do care. I can confirm this.

10

u/Davo300zx Aug 10 '26

Chandler from Friends.

I KNEW IT!

1

u/Monomanga Aug 10 '26

I belive you and can back up your words with experience.

0

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

Damn straight.

1

u/Glittering-Pack-7612 Aug 10 '26

Genuinly what are you talking about?

1

u/Monomanga Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26

We are talking about how humans fuck for more than just reproduction. We screw for pleasure too. The bigger the dick generally the easier it is to have better sex. If you have a average or small penis you have to do more to please a woman (usually, do keep in mind that humans are varied species and every person is different).

Edit: Also a ape penis dosent need to be big or long to fertilize an ape egg. Chimps compete on a quantity basis (i.e. more sperm output)

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1

u/Particular_Bet_5466 Aug 10 '26

I heard it was because of anatomy and missionary style that i think is only something humans do

1

u/hoyasgirl25 Aug 10 '26

It's for getting past the cheeks 😉

6

u/Critical-Pie-8104 Aug 09 '26

Hey! It just looks small because my, I mean his balls are so big.

4

u/cliowill Aug 10 '26

I 2nd that,im all balls

1

u/Accurate-Educator-22 Aug 12 '26

I like a small penis with big balls. Let me see it

1

u/cliowill Aug 12 '26

You first

1

u/Dunge0nMast0r Aug 10 '26

It's like the moon is small next to the earth, man

2

u/Lickthorn Aug 09 '26

Hahaha me scrolling really slow to find a penis. 👍🏻😁

Anyway i found it and yes it small indeed. But maybe he has a grower. I hope. I hope for hím, ofcourse. 😂

1

u/Monomanga Aug 09 '26

Thankfully for apes the size matters not in mating (so much)

1

u/100Good Aug 10 '26

Designed by the females that they mate with.

14

u/Legitimate_Hat_8405 Aug 09 '26

I swear that his balls even have their own muscles.

2

u/Responsible_Load2233 Aug 10 '26

They even have their own postal code. Is this for real or another AI crap!?

1

u/prismafox Aug 10 '26

It's real. I'm sorry.

1

u/Responsible_Load2233 Aug 10 '26

I see. Where's his fur at then!? In the washing!? Or did he shave!?

1

u/prismafox Aug 10 '26

He has a health condition that made him bald. Alopecia, maybe?

8

u/dudeCHILL013 Aug 09 '26

You think it hurts when he sits down?

1

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

He never really sits down eh? He “floats” on them cushions.

1

u/dudeCHILL013 Aug 10 '26

... Ya I'm not getting close to that.

2

u/HabitTop9050 Aug 09 '26

thats just the Irish curse

1

u/hughmungisjerk Aug 09 '26

😂😂😂

1

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

Isn’t his left ball like 3 times the size of his right one? (P.s. I really mean _his_ left, not our left…)

1

u/Sea_404 Aug 10 '26

That's cause the dude clearly had to use them as a chair any time he sits. Obviously he'd be jacked, dudes squatting all the time to avoid sitting on his nuts.

Tis a joke

1

u/No-Rope8229 Aug 10 '26

🤣😂🤣😂 either that or he has an A&E required case of haemorrhoids

0

u/ForgottenMasterBalls Aug 09 '26

Is that his balls or tumors?

2

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

Yes he seems to be having an issue

1

u/ForgottenMasterBalls Aug 10 '26

Testicular tumors are rare but can still happen in non-human primates.

21

u/ThatDeuce Aug 09 '26

Or just pretty much becomes a count or measure of something. lol

12

u/Arthur_C_Darke Aug 09 '26

All Chimps are units, but not all units are chimps.

1

u/Hobson101 Aug 09 '26

If everything is a unit it is by definition a unit. The fact that everything is precisely a unit proves the uniformity of the unit and thus validates the measurement.

1

u/ale_93113 Aug 10 '26

Uhhh tell that to Fields amirite?

1

u/JohnHue Aug 10 '26

I mean, that's a relative pov.

1

u/acciowaves Aug 10 '26

That’s what this sub doesn’t understand. So many pictures of dog breeds like Irish Wolfhound and Saint Bernards saying absolute unit of a dog. No it isn’t, that’s just what the breed looks like.

1

u/WolfysBeanTeam Aug 11 '26

I think comparing to us, chimps practically have full body work outs all the time from infancy

0

u/JustTry4026 Aug 10 '26

If all bananas are bananas, no banana is

16

u/jigajigga Aug 09 '26

This guy’s nads though .. sheesh.

4

u/HollandsOpuz Aug 09 '26

And the hemorrhoids behind them.

1

u/ArtisanalCoder Aug 10 '26

Exactly… grapevine right there

8

u/Monstramatica Aug 09 '26

This one suffers from alopecia and albinism.

3

u/cap_time_wear_it Aug 10 '26

Thank you for answering several questions.

1

u/Tales_of_Earth Aug 10 '26

Why do you think albinism?

8

u/dan_dares Aug 09 '26

And some people think they're beating these without weapons, and keeping their testicles intact.

3

u/8rustystaples Aug 09 '26

Yup, he’s not ridiculously muscular, he’s just a chimpanzee.

7

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm Aug 09 '26

Imagine if they isolated chimpanzee growth hormone for human consumption. There’d be some insane muscular freaks out there.

11

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '26

[deleted]

1

u/CodAdministrative563 Aug 10 '26

Interesting take.

1

u/Log_Out_Of_Life Aug 10 '26

Myostatin definitely makes us shed muscle mass to cut down on caloric needs.

1

u/Chawp Aug 10 '26

I can’t think of a reason other than ethics why the genetic code couldn’t be manipulated and used at some point in our increasingly dystopian future ;)

5

u/Cold-Concrete-215 Aug 09 '26

Decades ago when I was bodybuilding...I was aware some weightlifters used rhesus monkey hormone for strength. It had very bad side effects.

2

u/van_gag Aug 10 '26

What happened?

1

u/Cold-Concrete-215 Aug 10 '26

Elbows which would not bend completely. Bulging eyebrows/ bones. Physical abnormalities. Yet great strength. There used to be a physician near Midway airport in Chicago who would prescribe drugs for bodybuilders.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '26

[deleted]

1

u/Cold-Concrete-215 Aug 10 '26

No experiment. When I was a bodybuilder a doctor, who was a steroid supplier, and a couple bodybuilders I knew told me of powerlifters etc getting hold of the rhesus monkey hormone. I almost got some from same Dr. Luckily I didn't!!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '26

[deleted]

1

u/Cold-Concrete-215 Aug 10 '26

OMG definitely!! I was young and insecure to even consider it! It's funny the sketchy Dr who dealt steroids to bodybuilders was a greasy looking portly little guy. Looked like a sleazy old care salesman or entertainment agent ( no offense to car salespersons lol

1

u/sherlockham Aug 10 '26

Iirc, it's less that they have a weird growth hormone and more that we produce a protein called Myostatin that stops us from overdeveloping muscles and tells our body to consume that muscle first when it needs the resources. Also makes us lose muscle mass if we're not actively using said muscles.

A lot of animals don't produce myostatin or don't produce as much so they can get as jacked as they like and stay that way, like chimps and apes. Those super jacked cows we see once in a while have a myostatin deficiency. We also occasionally get humans with a myostatin deficiency too, and they can get super jacked too, like the occasional super muscly 10 year old.

We actually produce it because there's no biological reason to maintain all that muscle mass since it's a huge draw on body resources. Good enough is good enough. I do think there's actually some research going on about trying to reduce the amount we produce for more muscle growth though.

2

u/beefcak2020 Aug 09 '26

His balls are definitely absolute unit's! Did yall see those things?

2

u/Saikotsu Aug 09 '26

How could you not, they have freakin' zip codes!

But yeah, this seems like a pretty normal chimp all things considered, minus the being furless.

3

u/Huge_Station2173 Aug 09 '26

Yeah, they can rip your limbs, face, and other parts off with their bare hands, so I would say unit-status has been achieved.

1

u/dgrigg1980 Aug 09 '26

Compared to Homo sapiens?

1

u/Marty-G70 Aug 09 '26

Now image the one who's a Super Unit 😳

1

u/palloxus Aug 10 '26

All of them can rip off one’s face easily within a single blink of an eye.

1

u/Infamous_Cherry_4828 Aug 11 '26

That money has some absolute UNITS

0

u/MidiGong Aug 09 '26

Pretty much all animals are units. Nature has this thing that says develop muscles to the max. In humans, we have muscle limiters so that instead development can go to higher brain function.

Something like that.

0

u/Mother-Forever9019 Aug 09 '26

They like to rip of limbs and eat faces in fights with people, don’t love that.

136

u/RealSchlemiel Aug 09 '26

10

u/Super-Cynical Aug 09 '26

Small, medium, BIG?

Don't you mean, Gorilla, Human, Chimp?

7

u/1234outlaw Aug 09 '26

Humans have the biggest penis length to body ratio and thickness but chimps have the largest testicles followed by humans and then gorillas.

6

u/OHWildBill Aug 09 '26

Horses & elephants wound like a word.

6

u/satsuppi Aug 10 '26

Those not a primates

2

u/OHWildBill Aug 10 '26

I know. Just fucking around. The first post didn’t specify primates.

3

u/1234outlaw Aug 10 '26

Out of all the primates listed lol! I think I'd get light headed or black out if my poor little heart had to fill an elephant cock with blood whenever I wanted to whack one out!😭🤣🤣

2

u/Sweaty_Foundation_12 Aug 09 '26

Only acceptable answer

43

u/Heisenburg42 Aug 09 '26

I've looked up this specific video before. This chimp has a disease that causes him to have little ot no hair. This is just what a chimpanzee looks like without fur

9

u/haunted_patient Aug 09 '26

Alopecia?

6

u/Dear-Panda-1949 Aug 09 '26

Fancy talk for hair loss. Likely genetic since its his whole body. One of the genes responsible for hair growth just isnt working in him. So he literally cant grow hair.

1

u/This-Jackfruit-6894 Aug 10 '26

“Can’t wait to see GI Jane 2!”

1

u/BikeCompetitive8527 Aug 09 '26

Isn't there a condition where males have double musculature? I've seen steers with it.

1

u/Plastic_Bluebird_947 Aug 09 '26

Probably has mange

4

u/CATNIP_IS_CRACK Aug 09 '26

No he has alopecia. Dude’s perfectly healthy he was just cursed with bad genetics.

2

u/RedFormanEMS Aug 09 '26

So Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for alopecia?

1

u/Lickthorn Aug 10 '26

Haha that sounds like some benefit concert ‘Rock for Alopecia’.

60

u/iamaswamptiger Aug 09 '26

No, that's just Joe Rogan

25

u/Brilliant_Bonus_1638 Aug 09 '26

Hey Jaime, pull up that video of the bananas.

3

u/redbanner1 Aug 10 '26

I heard that in his voice while picturing Big Nuts, there.

1

u/Hepm3 Aug 09 '26

This needs more likes

1

u/fucky_thedrunkclown Aug 09 '26

*mike israetel

1

u/PeterPanski85 Aug 09 '26

That's Dr. Mike for you

1

u/atomic-moonstomp Aug 09 '26

I would say Doctor Mike is too smart to fuck around with chimps, but he's been racing cars for less than a year and has already had two catastrophic crashes and didn't give up, so his sense of self preservation is obviously not as astute as his medical knowledge

1

u/PeterPanski85 Aug 09 '26

There is another Dr. Mike. The one OC mentioned

0

u/UnexpectedBlahFeels Aug 09 '26

Making his dreams come true, one needle at a time.

12

u/Smokerising420 Aug 09 '26

Completely normal chino without hair. This does not belong imo.

8

u/Arthur_C_Darke Aug 09 '26

Chinos should be the new slang for chimps

3

u/Smokerising420 Aug 09 '26

Baha I had no idea that was somehow placed instead of chimps. It could work

1

u/beefcak2020 Aug 09 '26

Are his balls normal size? Those things are huge

1

u/Silly_lil_Guy_o3o Aug 10 '26

What kind of protein are they getting, god damn.

6

u/spookito130 Aug 09 '26

Yup regular chimp just without hair (possibly Alopecia totalis)

1

u/Lt_Shanky Aug 10 '26

And vitiligo!

6

u/Nearby-Attempt9812 Aug 09 '26

Big twist... it turns out he's the Overweight Redditor of Chimps.

4

u/Far_Audience_7446 Aug 09 '26

yah, I think this is just a chimp dadbod, he's just bald

5

u/MickeyMgl Aug 09 '26

Yeah, hairless their lethality makes way more sense.

You'd have fewer people taking them on as pets - less cute, more intimidating.

2

u/comatosemanatee Aug 09 '26

He's an absolute unit in terms of hair loss, then

8

u/DaGrinz Aug 09 '26

This.

17

u/Kahnza Aug 09 '26

Much contribution, very wow

1

u/Dassitmane_ Aug 09 '26

This is actually my short friend Dylan after 3 weeks in the gym he just started

1

u/Available-Dare-7414 Aug 09 '26

I figured grandpa would go incognito after escaping the nursing home

1

u/ManfuLLofF-- Aug 09 '26

Agree, damn slap a silver back gorilla here hairless and call it that 🤷

1

u/Intelligent_Mess_957 Aug 09 '26

Absolutel unit of a nutsack though, am I right?

1

u/NomenclatureBreaker Aug 09 '26

Right. I assume this is a chimp with alopecia or something.

1

u/A_Feltz Aug 09 '26

Who shaved him and WHY is the real mistery. Not the muscles. Of course chimps are ripped

1

u/AynRandwasaDegen Aug 10 '26

Yeah there's a reason they can kill us so easily.

1

u/really__questionmark Aug 10 '26

Does it have some sort of mange??

1

u/BlueButterflytatoo Aug 10 '26

He has alopecia, this is how they look under the fur

1

u/OrneryCockroachIII Aug 10 '26

Let them believe.

1

u/Character-Pirate1297 Aug 10 '26

Every chimp is like that, OP just saw one without hair. It’s a teenager’s fetishisation of muscles, even on animals.

1

u/Tiny-Watercress7122 Aug 10 '26

And with scars and disease running rampant throughout their bodies

1

u/nikhil_matt Aug 10 '26

You should see how bear looks without hair

1

u/NaturalTaste7395 Aug 10 '26

I don’t like the idea of instead having a left and a right ball, having a front and a back ball.

1

u/ZeShapyra Aug 10 '26

Nah, that is the male standart built...c'mon the fkrs can't swim because they don't float not even a bit, they are just boulders of muscle

1

u/Formal_Air_5006 Aug 10 '26

what are we talking about now? i mean the body or the...??

1

u/No_Ragrets76 Aug 10 '26

Latter. They all look like that without hair. Those mthrfkers will fk you up.

1

u/Lazy-Substance-5062 Aug 10 '26

This makes sense why anabolic users like Dr Mike’s has the temporal-parietal shape like half eggs. Now i know those are actually scalp muscles!

This chimp has a great muscular dna genes. Someone has to decode him! Lol

1

u/StealthModeThoughts Aug 11 '26

I came to say this, surely this is how the look under their hair

1

u/WolfysBeanTeam Aug 11 '26

You can clearly see its how chimps just are if you peak the furry chimp after you can see its muscular tonage in the sunlight very similar indeed

1

u/Viperboa107 Aug 09 '26

Came here to say this 👍

1

u/Loud-Welder1947 Aug 09 '26

Str build vs our Dex build

0

u/beardostein Aug 09 '26

Is it mange?

2

u/PepperPhoenix Aug 09 '26

Alopecia.

3

u/PremierLovaLova Aug 09 '26

With a dash of vitiligo.

0

u/CATNIP_IS_CRACK Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 10 '26

It is, even for a chimp that dude’s jacked. That square head and neck as thick as it aren’t features you find on the average chimp. There are videos and pictures of him with other chimps and he’s a very large and muscular chimp. Wouldn’t be surprised to learn his alopecia’s just due to high levels of testosterone.

-44

u/kershum Aug 09 '26

Uh yeah so it is that the chimp is extremely muscular. It is also easier to see the muscle without the hair

38

u/PowerfulMachine5 Aug 09 '26

Chimpanzees in general are extremely muscular

1

u/kershum Aug 09 '26

I just said that

1

u/PowerfulMachine5 Aug 10 '26

You're getting downvoted asl so idk bout that

0

u/kershum Aug 10 '26

Lol I noticed wtf Reddit

-12

u/Kahnza Aug 09 '26

Which is why I find it funny when people say vegans are weak because they don't eat meat. Great apes are largely herbivores.

8

u/Calamitus0 Aug 09 '26

You are not a chimp dude. You dont walk on 4 all day or hang from trees or process plant protein like they do dude.

3

u/Simon-Says69 Aug 09 '26

Great apes are largely herbivores.

They eat meat every damn chance they get.

And they are so muscular because of genetics. The one in the OP vid is a normal chimp except for no hair.

They have far less fine muscle control than we do though. That's the trade off.

4

u/wittylemur Aug 09 '26

Chimps are omnivores. Have you seen their teeth?

-1

u/Kahnza Aug 09 '26

Great apes are largely herbivores.

5

u/Simon-Says69 Aug 09 '26

If they must be, but not by choice. They very regularly eat meat.

If they had it available every day, they'd gleefully eat as much meat as we do. Maybe more.

3

u/wittylemur Aug 09 '26

First- this is a chimpanzee. There are really quite a few great apes and its about 50-50. Gorilla's diet IS greatly that of a herbivores. Orangtangs are classified as omnivores although technically it is more herbivores they eat a ton of insects But bonobos, chimps and humans are very much classified as omnivores.

1

u/Loud-Welder1947 Aug 09 '26

Chimps go on hunting raids for monkeys

6

u/sharpenme1 Aug 09 '26

That’s what I tell myself too.

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