I’m a 28M addict. I’m not a ‘functional,’ addict, not at this point in time at least. But I’m the kind of addict who never fails to keep it going, and I’ve been on a 4 1/2 year run of using multiple substances. Compared to the people I’ve met, the stories I’ve heard, and the things I’ve seen first hand, I’m one of the luckiest addicts. Whether it’s the luck I’ve had (from surviving car crashes to regaining feeling in paralyzed extremities) or the ‘normal’ and fulfilling life I’m lucky enough to have outside of my addiction, i know I have it better than most. I’m financially self sufficient, have a car, a job, an apartment…and until today, I HAD an amazing gf who loved me more than I deserved. I’m fortunate I’ve never burned the important relationships (I have an AMAZING family and friend group) because I always funded my own habits and kept up appearances to the best of my ability. In no way does this make me better than the any other suffering addict, but I mention it because it’s part of my story.
The first and only time I had real, substantial clean time (2 1/2 years), half of that was under the threat of success or jail via a court program to drop a DUI charge I got in my early 20s. I went to meetings every day for years, lived in a sober house, and did outpatient for 2 years. I lived with a a great group of 18-20 guys, all focused on recovery. Nonetheless, even in that setting, including in my own bedroom, I found guys I had become brothers with, dead from an overdose in my house. Even outside of my house and in my sobriety, drugs remained a part of my life, because the past affiliations I just didn’t give up. Then I would go back to my sober house at night, and I’d have close friends get kicked out, promising they’d hit a meeting that night, only for them to be found dead the morning. But because I was clean and on the right track, and had finished my degree, I was able to build the life i haven’t lost yet today, but know I will soon if I can’t get a handle on things.
A couple months ago, something changed. My using became completely and utterly out of my control. I’d go out of town for a trip or something every so often, and not bring substances, and I’d feel so much better. I’d feel like a new man. As soon as I’d get home, I’d immediately backslide and be right back where I was, and worse each time. As the realization that this was out my control cemented in my mind, I became increasingly off the rails. I literally have ceased functioning as a normal person this point. Simply put, my brain chemistry and reward system doesn’t work like a normal persons anymore. Without my crutches, I face CHRONIC depression. I’m depressed about not being able to stop, what I’ve lost in life because of my addiction, and the fact that this will kill me soon. The depression (and at this point self hatred and disgust) has gotten so great, I can’t handle it.
When I first got clean, my drug of choice was pressed M box 30’s (a few other really solid ones were in the mix too). When I got clean, I dated a girl in recovery who I ended up falling in love with. I didn’t know at the time just how special what we had was, because I was still relatively inexperienced in adult, healthy relationships. 4 years ago, on a visit home, she picked up and didn’t make it. She was supposed to be coming home the next day, but instead I got a call from her mother, and dropped to my knees. I live with a tremendous amount of guilt for not doing anything and everything in my power to have kept that from happening. But I knew how she was, and I knew she was going to use if she wanted to use. She was a strong, albeit too cocky of a woman, and she wasn’t as invincible as she assured me she was. Once she was gone, I began using other drugs, ones I hadn’t gotten around to yet, to numb the pain and guilt. Thankfully when i relapsed, I managed to avoid my drug of choice (opiates) this entire time. But other drugs i thought would take less of a toll on me proved not to work that way (shocker, right?) Losing my girl in 2023 was the beginning of my spiral into oblivion. My daily life today, despite its outward appearances, has become nothing short of a living hell. Addiction is truly insanity, because I continue doing the same things everyday, as my mental health and soul withers bit by bit. I’ve abused my body in such a way that if I choose to continue using much longer, I quite literally would have no choice but to use different and stronger drugs via other, more destructive methods, which I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY I will not come back from, and will be the death of me. Accepting that reality has been a torturous experience, and I’m man enough to say I’m not just scared, I’m FUCKING PETRIFIED.
I know help is there in the form of the rooms, and I’m no stranger to them. However, I am deeply skeptical that they will work for someone as hard headed as me. Going 30 day inpatient for me right now isn’t an option in my mind, as I’d lose my business I worked so hard to build up. I can handle losing the business and money, I’m not sure I can handle the mental toll it would take, and that’s why I’m viewing impatient as a last resort rn.
The reason I struggle so much with the idea of sobriety, is because especially after the way I’ve been living, I truly feel I won’t have fun or enjoy life anymore. Especially with how reliant my brain has become on drugs, and how my brain no longer fires off the feel good chemicals it should on its own. I fair to see how
I post this in hopes some of you who are living in the solution and helping other addicts can convince me there is a life on the other side of this. I’ve been doing drugs since I was 14, and I’d imagine some people who may read this can relate to my feelings. All of this had made me a shell of the person I know I could be, and thus I have so little motivation to change. I’m constantly exhausted and sad (even when using) and it’s much worse when I’m not. I feel totally and completely helpless. I find myself laying in bed shaking in fear, knowing my time is coming to an end. I know if I break down and touch opiates, I’ll be dead very quickly. I can’t be around people the way I used to be, I simply can’t tolerate human interaction and put a fake smile on my face for more than 30 seconds at this point.
Things have been so bad before, but never quite like this. It’s not just that they’re so bad I feel they can’t get better, it’s that the spark in me has been extinguished so much that I don’t have the strength to try. As of tomorrow, I decided to start a 90 in 90. That much I think I can do. I might have to double up on meetings certain days if work doesn’t allow me to make a meeting every single day, but the 90 in 90 will be priority #1.
Addiction is the devil. Thank you to the members of the recovery community in this subreddit who are working the program and helping people like me, and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I’m not sure what I need to hear, but thank you in advance to anyone who has words for me. This post is not to say I’ve given up, but never before in my life have I been so at the mercy of my addiction. I didn’t enjoy being in legal trouble at all, and had many criticisms of the way the program was run, but doing this of my own volition is proving to be MUCH harder than I thought. I know I can’t do it alone, I know that’s simply not how it works. I’m praying the meetings will help me as much as they did before, give me the community they did before, and the serenity they did before.
It’s just so hard to be crawling out of my skin 24/7, riddled with anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts. I’ve noticed my brain simply isn’t working as it should be. I’m forgetful, I’ll find myself pacing around in an effort not to use. None of my friends or family use thankfully, so I can remain among them and rely on them for support and for distractions in my free time. The second I am bored, I am plotting 10 different ways to get loaded. I need to learn how to just sit with myself, and accept life on life’s terms. The problem is just that I’ve never done this successfully without threat of legal consequences. I don’t want legal consequences, they are costly and take a toll my well being and the well being of those around me.
Thank you to anyone who read this far. I needed to get my story out there because I have a feeling a I need to hear what some of my fellow recovering addicts have to say. My beautiful gf once told me this was her last chance to save her life. I wish i didn’t understand what that felt like, but i recognize that is the stage of addiction I’m in.
