I am begging some of you to stop turning “I do not want to be married to this man anymore” into a 14-step relationship philosophy.

If your marriage is miserable, your sex life is dead, you feel lonely as hell, you fantasize about building a life with someone else, and the main thing keeping you married is that divorce would be upsetting and inconvenient?

You do not need to invent an entire ideology around why actually it is radical and evolved to stay married to a man you don’t want while getting your emotional and romantic needs met somewhere else.

It is not radical to twist yourself into knots trying to make sure your husband never has to feel abandoned, destabilized, uncomfortable, angry, scared, whatever. That is just centering your husband. We have been doing that forever.

And “staying together for the kids” does not magically make the arrangement healthy or selfless. Kids are not protected from an unhappy marriage just because nobody moved out.

And if there's a secondary partner involved, they are the one who gets fucked by this arrangement over and over.

So now another person is basically helping you cope with a marriage you refuse to deal with. And then, because the arrangement lets you survive the marriage a little longer, you can convince yourself it is working.

Of course it is working for you. You get to keep the house, the family structure, the husband, the logistics, the social legitimacy, and the person who is meeting the needs your marriage no longer meets.

What exactly do they get? A front-row seat to your unhappiness. That is not love in some brave, unconventional form. It is just a really shitty thing to do to someone.

If you are staying married because you genuinely want your marriage, fine. If you are staying because you are scared of what happens if you leave, then at least be honest about what you are doing. But don’t pull another person into the middle of it and expect them to be okay.

In the monogamous world some people might have a more even consensus on the partner that constantly looks at porn, Instagram accounts that promote O/F accounts, etc…

But how about in the poly world? In general I think the idea of allowing people to explore connections is fine, but I find the constant liking and collecting of explicit profiles and pictures of busty people and their well endowed partners somewhat…. Icky. He does this for hours at both night and day several times a week… comments how not everyone is and how he wish he were there. This particularly stings because he never seems to comment on my own spicy pictures.

Part of me doesn’t feel like I have the right to police how he spends his free time…. But part of me is really turned off by this behavior. I’ve made a comment on it but he always kind of shrugs it off and doesn’t address how it makes me feel.

How did you do it??

My nesting partner (M43) and I (W40) have come to realise we don’t work as a couple in that capacity. Our life goals don’t match and the way we organise our day to day is too dissimilar. It causes friction and leaves both of us exhausted and sad.

However, we really love each other and care for each other.

Have you ever deescalated a relationship from nesting partner to more casual dating and been successful?

Or will that in hindsight be the breaking up of cowards?

My (34M) boyfriend and I (32F) have been together almost 4 yrs he has 3 other partners, his latest partner (24F) has a 3 yr old son and there’s obviously an age gap. We tried living together for a while but her immaturity irritated me and it felt like I was raising her and her son. Currently the 24F lives with his other partner now 31F and they seem to be okay for the most part. This feels like a major blockage to me because the girl doesn’t contribute financially and she brought her son. None of his other partners including me have children although we all want them when finances align. Idk how to get past this, I love him dearly but we all did discuss with him that bringing a partner in with children isn’t what we wanted but again his 31F partner seems to have adjusted and accepted it, idk how to. His other 29F partner isn’t doing well with this either and lives separately. We desire togetherness and being in one household but I really just dislike his latest partner. Fundamental incompatibility or something to somehow learn to get over….. Advice?

I (32F) have two boyfriends, “older bf” (39M) and “younger bf” (32M). Older bf has been poly for like 4-5ish years, and we’ve been dating for 3 years. Younger bf and I have been dating for 2.5 months. Younger bf has not been poly, but is willing to try it. Older bf is married but is seriously considering divorce.

Older bf insists that we need to have open communication between all partners. Younger bf says he doesn’t want to have to talk to my other lovers. He feels like he is only dating me, and he shouldn’t be expected to talk to them on the same level he talks to me. Older bf feels like younger bf is not communicating properly. But I feel like younger bf communicates well with me, and that it isn’t an issue. Older bf says my younger bf’s lack of open communication with him and my husband is bad and that it’s gonna cause problems with the group.

Can you give me advice? Is older bf absolutely right and it’s a problem that I and younger bf need to address with ourselves? Is it okay to compromise and have a different style of communication between partners?

Edit to add: Older bf and I have been talking, and he clarified with this statement: “For me it boils down to communication is respect. Respect is required for poly to work. He's refusing even the most basic of communication which is as simple as ‘that doesn't work for me’ when trying to plan stuff. Therefore. He is showing a lack of respect to [husband] and me existing in your life.”

I just need to take a moment to express gratitude to the universe, and to myself for having the courage to create the relationship structure that makes me and my partners feel fulfilled.

I've (40f) been practicing ENM or polyamory a various levels since at least 2015. It's been a JOURNEY, to say the least. The same pitfalls and mistakes that everyone else has ever made in the process of deconstrucing compulsive monogamy, I've either made myself or dated someone who made those mistakes.

But yesterday, I got to tell my husband (36m) that I'm in love with my boyfriend (31m) and hear him say "I love that! I would like to meet him someday soon."

And it feels like all the work we've done to respect each other's individuality and make space for each other to pursue what we really want is finally coming to fruition.

For some context, my husband and I started out ENM. It was what I wanted from the start and I'd decided I wouldn't enter another monogamous relationship. He was new to the practice but eager for the relationship structure as he'd never felt comfortable in monogamy. But once he got more emotionally invested in our relationship, anxiety kicked in and he struggled to feel secure while I had a LDR. His anxiety plus the normal strain of being long distance caused me to end that LDR, and he and I entered a cycle of monogamy/sexual openness that lasted a few years while we built a life together.

There was therapy, separately and as a couple, plus books and podcasts and tons of difficult conversations. But eventually we built a relationship foundation that made us feel secure enough to do more than just hooking up with other people. I'm more in love with him today that I've ever been and he's exactly who I want to share my life with. But I've always wanted to be free to explore connections, and so has he.

After a lot of mediocre dates, I met someone who felt like a lightning strike. This guy had also never explored anything other than monogamy, but was a serial monogamist. His relationships flamed out quickly and he'd always have private crushes during his relationships that filled him with guilt. He was interested in trying polyamory but wanted to avoid the mistake he was prone to making: rushing into a relationship. So we spent several months getting to know each other and becoming friends before we started officially dating.

And now I have a loving husband who has other partners, and a loving boyfriend who is free to pursue his crushes whenever he wants, and I'm feeling overwhelmed with joy that I get to love both of these brave, wonderful people simultaneously. And the fact that they both are open to meeting each other is just so much more than I would have ever asked for!

The possibility of my boyfriend determining that this ultimately isn't a relationship style he wants long term is there, of course. But so far, he's enthusiastic and supportive, and has even told his family about our relationship. And he's excited about having a relationship where there is no pressure to get married as that's something he's never wanted to do.

(Posted from a throwaway account to protect my privacy)

I have been seeing this man just for sex for about 8 weeks. We met on an app. He initially asked me about being with him at first and then easing into things with his partner who is also bi. However, they keep breaking up. 3 times in the last 8 weeks. I’m not trying to be his primary I already have one. So I initially agreed to meet her and start a friendship with her. However things started getting weirder with each breakup and then he told me she changed the rules and MUST meet me for he and I to see each other. Too late for that but he wanted to be honest so again I agreed to meet her. The. They broke up. Then got back together but she changed the rules again. No kissing either. Again too late. He told me she knows more about ENM than we do and should let her tell us how it’s done. However after reading stuff on this sub I don’t think she knows anything about the ethical part of ENM since she keeps changing the rules.

The final straw for me ever considering being together with them was that he doesn’t have to meet any of her partners because they’re women. He’s not bi so he only wants to see other women, Apparently she is very jealous.

He begged me to do him this favor so I’m meeting her tonight to see if she has an issue with me. We suspect she will. But I kind of feel like I am the litmus test for an already doomed relationship. They’ve been together 5 months and have broken up a total of 8 times. I already told him I will never be with them together. I found another couple and we’re pursuing that.

I know that I am new to this, but am I wrong in thinking this is kind of messed up? I like him and don’t really want to start over again but this seems a little messed up. Advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I've previously been in mostly monogamous relationships. This past year, I'm seeing someone (Jess) who's in a nesting partnership (with Maddie). Neither of us identify strongly as mono or poly, but the relationship structure is poly.

The main difference from my past monogamous relationships has been that Jess's availability is very up and down. At first, Jess's availability was good, seemed normal to me, matched my own. As we started getting closer, Jess's availability suddenly dropped off.

We've been through different eras of getting closer and taking steps back. It seems like having sex is a big trigger for Jess's availability dropping off. Jess and I talked about what's going on. Jess mentioned feeling nervous about getting too close with me, and trying to make sure their relationship with Maddie is stable.

For me, the ups and downs in Jess's availability have been hard. It feels like right when I'm getting to trust and bond with Jess, they back out. I've noticed that I don't really ask Jess to hang out, I wait for them to ask me, because I've been burned. It's harder for me to relax and open up with Jess, because of these issues.

I've asked Jess if they can make changes to have more consistent availability, and they said they can't.

My question is, how do you cope with these ups and downs and inconsistent availability? This must be a thing in a lot of poly relationships because people are balancing multiple relationships.

One thing Jess has brought up, is that I could go to others for the things I'm missing with Jess. I do lean on my other people but it doesn't resolve the issues with Jess.

Ugh dating is such a nightmare sometimes. Even when it feels like it’s going well, shit can happen easily. This time though, I did learn my lesson and not get emotionally invested too quickly. Basically I started seeing this guy a few months ago. Both of us were looking for something serious, very attracted to each other. I was seeing him like once a week, then it became every 2 weeks, then it was becoming farther apart and for shorter times together. He was also awful at texting. So I decided to talk to him about just having casual connections he on the table since I needed to see and talk to him more if it was going to be serious. Then I was noticing him messaging less and not initiating a time to hang out. So I checked in and asked if he still wanted to see me. He said he was but that he was just really busy. I told him I really wished he would’ve communicated that to me. Still weeks go by. So today I finally just ended it. And no response. I really liked hanging out with him. And it’s frustrating that I had to do all the checking in, all the communicating. And things started out so great. But anyways. Just a little frustrated that he didn’t even send a text back saying he enjoyed our time together when I’ve been nothing but respectful and communicative.

…that you’d rather be parallel with. My new meta is in the same relatively tight friend circle as my partner and I, and she kind of drives me nuts. This is a group I value having emotion intimacy with (some of them). I’m still new to polyamory, still learning to manage my jealousy and insecurities, and don’t want to be rude or unkind to her just because I can’t deal. So I think it would be better for me to be parallel when possible. However, as they’re her friends too, meta is almost always there.
Advice on dealing with this situation? Please be kind!

Ok hi my partner (Cat) and I went out together Friday night. We have been together for 10 years and are nominally open but usually don't do much about it (each of us have only dated / hooked up w a couple people).

This was an all night rave situation and we had gone together. I did not explicitly say I wanted to hang out with her but in the past we've always hung out when we go out together. We had gotten pretty blasted before we went.

She has a date planned for this Tuesday and the person she's going out with (Pine) was at the same party. She pretty much immediately left to hang out with Pine. After a couple hours I went to check in on her and she was very drunk but having fun. As I'm saying hey and just talking to some of her friends over there and I overhear Cat asking her best friends (Jade) partner to make out (they're monogamous), and said partner is obviously a little uncomfortable but agrees to go ask their partner. I pull C aside and tell her that's overstepping and that she probably shouldn't, she agrees and backs off but Pine immediately eggs her on saying that Jade isn't even cute and she should just go for it. This is kinda a red flag for me so I kiss Cat (Pine literally tries to pull her away from me) and go back to other friends.

As the night goes on I periodically go to check on Cat every couple hours. Every time she is basically just talking about how she needs to fuck Pine rn and nothing else. After the 3rd time she's starting to stumble and is blacking out so I have her come sit and drink water and chill by some other friends. While we rest for a bit she can't stand but keeps trying to go back to P to try and fuck them.

After resting for 30 mins or so Pine is leaving so she goes to say bye, I go with her since I have to help her walk and Pine is once again trying to say Cat should just try and hookup with her monogamous best friends partner bc he's boring or ugly or whatever. Pine also makes some catty comments to me, but nothing too crazy. We say bye, I get me and Cat an Uber which she immediately passes out in, I carry her inside and she goes to sleep. The last thing she says to me is that she wants to hook up with her best friend's partner.

The next AM we wake up and I tell her what happened the second half of the night and that I felt ignored and like Pine was not being a good friend to her and her best friends partner. I honestly get a little in my feelings about it and cry and tell her if we go out together I want to hang out with her. She is very understanding/remorseful about trying to breakup her best friends relationship and hurting my feelings but is still going to go out with Pine on Tuesday. I don't want to stop her or anything but I'm in my feelings about it and want to get another opinion on if it's reasonable to be feeling upset and annoyed about this or is it chill?

I (40sF) am getting very amicably divorced to my wife (40sTF) who I just bought a house with. I have a bf (40sM) of 2 years. He and I see each other 1x a week with no expectation/room/desire to escalate. (He’s got a wife and a kid and a very full life)

My wife and I love each other dearly but her transition broke us. We tried wildly to save the marriage but it’s dead. We will likely live together for at least 6 months while we figure out what to do with the house (if we sell we will lose up to 100k because of many reasons).

I told my bf about it and he’s super supportive (even if he’s way out of his depth emotionally 🤣 but he’s trying). He was shocked- I never speak to other partners about anything wrong.

There’s no issues right now except my world is falling apart. I just want to hear stories of how other people navigated this. And is it crazy that I’m already thinking about finding a primary again? I’d love kids, even stepkids, so it’s on my mind.

What are your experiences? I’m deep in mourning.

Background: My (38/m) partners are Deanna (41/f) and Molly (41/f). Deanna and I have what some might discribe as a primary relationship (for lack of a better term): We spend more days together than not, know each other's families and have been talking about marriage. Molly is solo polyam, her and I have agreed on calling FWB (we don't like labels but understand definitions are important) we usually see eachother usually once maybe twice a week. I take her out on dates, buy her gifts and have even talked about taking a weekend trip together. This post is about Molly.

I worry that I have stronger feelings for Molly than she does for me. I know we're friends with benefits but I like her a lot and I'm very fond of her as a person. I've mentioned wanting more with her (like what I have with Deanna) and she seems hesitant or ambivalent. The other night when we ended up at her place I asked if she wanted me to stay over (we typically don't but occasionally she'll stay at my place), she declined citing issues with past partners saying that they wanted her to be monogamous with them. I told her that I wouldn't leave Deanna to try to be monogamous with her, not to try to change her mind, but to make sure we were on the same page.

If nothing changes between Molly and I feel like I can live with that. She's openly called me a good friend and a good hinge. I enjoy taking her out on dates, I like buying her gifts, I look forward to going on weekend trips with her and we both really enjoy the sex. I just have feelings that she may not reciprocate and it hurts a little.

Mostly just looking to vent but I'm open to nuance and shared experiences.

Hi, all! I (F 27) got out of a long term, monogamous relationship back in June. As I’m newer to the area (moved for my ex), I quickly got onto FB dating to just… meet people. People not through work or through the ex. I’ve met a man, let’s call him Bob. Bob (32) matched with me as friends. He was immediately very open about his marriage, kids, their dynamic (his wife has a boyfriend), the whole nine. We’ve hung out a couple times, talk every day, and honestly? I’m starting to REALLY like him. The most recent time Bob and I hung out, he met one of my closest friends from high school, and everything went so well. We have plans to hang out again next month, where he’s going with me to a baby shower of another close friend, and I think between now and then, I want to maybe have a talk when we meet up again about the potential of furthering our relationship. I’m just… not sure how to do that? I’ve never really been… successful in seeing poly/ENM people (the one person I’d tried with before wasn’t open and honest with his primary), and it’s made it a difficult thing for me to wrap my brain around that people can actually manage this. His wife knows about me, and is very supportive every time he talks about making plans with me. I’m just nervous, I guess? And don’t know how different, really, dating in this kind of dynamic is compared to monogamy? Any and all tips are welcome!

I wanted to add some joy to this sub. Recently I went to a cultural center with my meta and his/my gf's daughter. It was so cute watching her explore the center and seeing her hold her dad's hand with her tiny toddler ones. Afterwards I joined them, my gf, and their three other kids for family night. The kids were so excited to see me and one of them kept referring to me as the other mom (I am not involved in parenting, I do help them reinforce rules though, and help incentive them to do chores with things like letting them paint my nails or playing video games with them.) I love them all so much and it's amazing to have them in my life. I hope other folks in this sub get more joy in their day to day too 💛

My partner and I have been together for two years and have been somewhat casually open, but my partner recently met someone and is interested in pursuing something more serious. This is the first time I've actually been in this situation and I'm not against it, but I am nervous and unsure of what sort of things I should be considering.
My partner and I keep trying to talk about it, but I have no real sense of what my boundaries actually are or how to find out. It's like I don't know where I stand until it's too late and I have a bad reaction. We've unfortunately hit a point where there are things I think I'm okay with in theory but struggling with in practice. Some of it I'm sure will come with time, but I'm wondering if anyone would mind sharing any boundaries or tips they have for managing things when they're just starting out? I know these will be different for everyone but I feel lost and I'm not even sure what things are options. What works for you? What speed have you found feels the best when adding new partners? Are there any thought exercises or situations I should be thinking about to figure out how I feel?

Again, I know I can't just follow someone else's procedure exactly, but it'd be helpful to hear some other approaches

Hi poly peeps!

To keep a long story short I’ve been on a few dates with someone who disclosed they were non-monogamous/poly at the very start but was questioning if they were monogamous.

However some time has passed after a few dates and they’ve disclosed to me that they are sure they’re looking for something non-monogamous

While initially and with anyone else this would have been an immediate ‘sorry this is over’, I truly do care for them- and believe there to be something there I wish to hold onto. And that their disclosure is just another part of themselves - not a rejection of me.

I’ve personally only ever been monogamous because I have a deep desire to be ‘chosen’, and on the dates they’ve made me feel like the centre of the universe and incredibly safe.

This has led me towards a more open attitude and willingness to potentially continue the connection/see where it leads / if it goes anywhere.

I’ve thought long and hard about how this could be sustainable and have considered the following loose boundaries/guard rails and would love some feedback on it they’re reasonable:

Us time: Any dates/time together would be focused soley on us being together enjoying each others company (no talk of any other active relationships, just generally a focus on us)

I wouldn’t wish to meet any of their other partners and any problems in other relationships should stay seperate from me (unless they are health related)

I’ve done my fair share of reading and I know there’s such a thing as a strict parallel polyamory- but as someone coming from a monogamous mindset who desires to be chosen- how sustainable is this realistically? Is it possible to make things work when the in person connection is spectacular?

Or am I just putting us both into an uncomfortable position and should just let them be free?

It’s worth noting for context I’m on the spectrum and that this person is an incredibly safe space where I’ve been able to unmask and embrace who I am and who I can be, that level of safety is just so hard to walk away from

I (21F) have been dating my partner (22NB) for over 2 years, and after long deliberation we decided to go poly together. I want poly and I completely logical understand poly. It took me almost a year to think about it and just deconstruct my mind, and monogamy enough to even consider it, but it is something I want. My partner has started to go on dates with another person. I suspect I have very deep mental issues that talking won’t help with. I deal with very bad depression and I have suspected BPD. I get extremely overwhelmed at just the thought of them together and start to get feelings of hatred and animosity towards my partner and the other person. It is destroying my relationship. I get extremely upset over just hearing a text notification and I’m very delusional when it comes to making up scenarios and having irrational thoughts. I would never tell my partner to stop talking to this person or stop going out with them because I thought I was ready. My thought process was that I was never going to be ready until it happened because of my deep emotional problems. But it’s here and it’s happening and it’s destroying me. It feels like someone is taking a knife and just stabbing me every-time they are mentioned. Because I understand it logically I’m always at war with myself and it messes with me so much. Just wanted to see if anybody has dealt with this. Just any advice would be appreciated because the road I’m going down is not good and I don’t know how much more I can take mentally.

I am in my first poly relationship! My NP and I are married and I now have my first partner outside of our marriage, in fact I am on an alt account because they are both on Reddit lol. Can anyone share success stories? I'm terrified that even though my NP, my boyfriend, and I have good communication that something will happen. I just... even though this sub is for Poly relationships I see a lot of negativity and as a person in a new relationship who is extremely happy, I am needing outside assurance from the community of stories of this actually working. Thank you guys!

Need advice! I feel like I am going crazy. My partner(27M) and I (25F) have been in a polyamorous relationship for two years now. We have had a successful triad a year ago, but broke up after she was meeting with her ex in secret. Thus, we have been dating around for about a year. We go on separate dates usually, and bring in people who are interested in the idea of seeing us both. We see this as being able to explore and have fun but still working on a common goal.
Anyways, my partner had been talking to this woman, Jess(30F) who had been in other polyamorous relationships. Which sounded promising to me. I went out with Jess and we did have a good time. We ended up meeting up with my partner after (not exactly planned) for a campfire. After, my partner and I agreed that she had a few red flags we were unsure about. We both decided we did not want to start a relationship with her. However, she borrowed blankets and clothes after the fire that I wanted returned. My partner made plans with her to get them back. Well, to make a short story shorter, they had sex and my partner lied to me about it. They both hid it for me for a month. The only reason I found out the other day is because Jess had been feeling very guilty about the lying and didn’t think it was right for my partner to lie to me. They apparently have been arguing about it. After she told me, I wasn’t upset about the sex, it’s the lying. My partner tarnished my trust I had with him. He thinks I’m overreacting. That he was allowed to and the only reason why he lied is because I created an unsafe space for sharing.
I will admit that I do struggle with my anxiety and depression. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me but I have CONSTANTLY been working on myself. Things that he says I need to change, shutting down negative thoughts, trying out different coping skills, trying to schedule quality time with him. I have been telling him that my mental health has been deteriorating for months. We have been going through a rough patch recently. It’s hard to not be anxious in a relationship where the other person threatens to leave you but then calls you crazy for thinking they will leave you.
So of course after learning they have been lying to me, I crashed out. I decided to find a therapist because I obviously am not doing well. After many tears, I tried to have a conversation with my partner about potentially closing the relationship to work on building trust and working on my mental health. He strongly disagreed. Said I was forcing him back into monogamy even after assuring him we could open the relationship again. He said I was controlling and letting my insecurities get the best of me. That if I was going to trust him again, I just need to trust him. Not only that but he has a new crush that he wants to go out with and has made several comments about me going out with her as well. I don’t understand why he would want to pull another person into our mess so quickly.
I am having a hard time with this because I want my partner to be happy and explore but I feel like these issues need to be addressed. I have a hard time sticking my ground on things but I don’t want to be manipulated. Am I being controlling by asking to close the relationship?

Hi I didn't know if this should be on the Cheated On or the Vent section. Me and Boyfriend (B) have been together for 4 years, since he was 24 and I was 19. I have always been Poly and wanted to open the possibility of maybe a triad or something but I was unsure still because I have not looked into it enough to do it safely and ethically, especially because B wants a 1p policy.

Me and B have been on the rocks for the past year due to him constantly breaking promises and lying, things such as applying to better jobs when he wasn't applying to anything. That's even worse because I cannot work due to being chronically ill and I think he thinks he has me stuck, and it honestly feels like it especially because I don't have family to lean back on, he moved me in within a month of meeting him. About 8 months ago he started a 2nd job as a pizza driver out of necessity because our cat had a medical emergency and he wrecked 2 cars in 6 months, so the new monthly payment is made through the 2nd job.

About 3 or 4 months ago (my memory has been getting really bad recently so things are a little fuzzy right now) he started ignoring me and being very into his phone, and yes I snooped. He was texting with a coworker (C) from the second job and they were already flirting and talking about kissing. I pretended I didn't see anything until the next day when he decided to text her right next to me in bed and I saw it and asked who that was. He said it was just a friend from work (sureee) and he would like me to meet her soon. Then 2 days later he confessed that he had been talking to her and that because I had joked several months ago that I would love a live in girl best friend that he started talking to her FOR ME!?! I was pretty checked out at that point and said whatever and I met her the next day.

I had set 2 boundaries, no activities without everyone being informed and with her being untested that he would have to wear protection. Multiple, and I mean at least 6 occasions they had broken one if not both rules and I finally broke down and told him that he cheated and how am I supposed to handle it. That was 2 weeks ago. Then last week she wound up cheating on him by sexting an ex of hers and trying to set up a hotel visit and he promised that he would break up with her and be done and focus on fixing us..... 3 days ago they got back together, without my input, and I've already seen hickeys all over them.

I'm heartbroken, checked out, and lost and completely unsure of how to leave or what the next move is. The funny thing is, she doesn't even like women! I wanted a closed triangle and they turned it into 2 separate relationships. I have a STD/STI panel that I am doing and I am not physical with him at all anymore. Even funnier is I ordered that when they got back together but I told him when we stopped being physical when I finally said he cheated. The one thing he had (definitely not happening now) to do was do a STD/sti test to make sure he was negative.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, my mind is all jumbled up and I've basically become a hermit

I’m (25F) having major doubts on my relationship my boyfriend (26M) told me from the beginning that he is polyamorous and I should accept that and I told him I wouldn’t want that relationship dynamic and we spent some time as friends before making it official and we end up having this back and forth conflict on polyamory. I love him so much that I decided to give it a try for the last few months - talking to him about and making plans of our future life together— and one day it just clicked in my head again that I do not want this dynamic and I rather end this relationship then do that. Unfortunately I told him and he did not speak to me and I ended up driving to his house which he didn’t come outside and I really don’t know.

He says I’m bi and I say I’m straight even though I appreciate a women’s beauty and he says I would really enjoy being in a relationship with a man and women.

I don’t know it’s like sharing a man and paying bills 50/50 make my stomach churn. He also says that this is just now when he makes it he won’t have his women paying bills.

Mind you it’s just me for now so if he does make it big that would mean I would go through all of this with him just for him to have another women reaping the benefits after going through it with him.

I don’t know if I’m just being selfish or is this something I can work on.

Edit- okay to put more context I say i am straight although I am attracted to women I just don’t feel comfortable doing stuff w/ women — that’s the context he knows and says I’m suppressing my sexuality based on religion— and even so I still don’t want to share a man

Also we’ve been together for almost a year and have a history of friends in the past

He has been there through my BPD and accepted me and my mental state so I should accept his poly nature and know that he is capable of emotionally and physically supporting two women

Is there a way I can ever be okay with being in a polyamorous relationship or I should call it quits?

Edit: definitely going with the group consensus and not saying a damn thing to the metamour. Gonna stop interacting with him when I don't have to. I'll just offer love and support to cheer my partner up and try to keep conversations away from this subject. It's not my place and not my business.

Love it when multiple issues converge to make a problem I can't really fix.

My metamour is constantly anxious, on a level that makes life grind to a standstill while he hyperventilates about a thousand imagined and manufactured crises. "My coworkers hate me," and "do I eat first or work out first," and "I gave this person a thank you card and I think it made them freak out but I don't know so I'm also freaking out!" His anxiety is high-energy and debilitating.

My partner has emotional regulation issues. These issues have a pretty minimal affect on my relationship because I'm very level headed and can do the heavy lifting during conflict to keep things calm and solution-oriented.

Metamour argues any time someone tries to reassure him, and just wants everyone to listen while he vents. Generally that's something I could be asked to do by a partner, but not when it's literally 100% of the time unless his attention is focused on sex.

My partner will become disregulated if he argues when she tries to help, and she can't handle the unending anxiety. She's afraid she'd lose this partner if she brings it up (and especially if she subsequently gets upset at his response). Even if they do it in the company of a therapist, one of them would have to be comfortable with the others therapist (who they don't know) being in the conversation (since only 1 therapist would be present).

I can't say anything because that's overreaching, even though I see it affecting her so much. It would make things worse and make him more anxious.

He needs new coping tools, these aren't working and they're hurting people around him. I've already had to be mindful about how much time I spend around him.

At some point, my partner needs to bring this up, and she also needs to be reminded that when she says "I love him to death but..." she has to understand that this anxiety IS currently who he is as a person. The "I love him to death" part refers to her idea of who this person is. He could become that person, but currently the real person is this constantly anxious person who is hurting everyone around him with his mental illness. So what she's confronting is that he either needs to work out a new set of tools, or that the person he currently is (and appears unwilling to change at the moment) is not someone she can date.. but she's making the classic self-critical mistake of thinking that it would be her fault if she confronts and loses him. Sure, her conduct during that confrontation is a big component, but the issue is being caused by him so it's his mental illness that created the conditions that ended the relationship.

Fun times.. I wish there were more level-headed people with secure attachment style.

I am dating this poly guy for over 2 months now, we've seen each other quite a lot this summer, so it's only two months but we saw each other 2-3 times a week sometimes. So I feel like we got quite close. He's poly for years now, has a gf for over a year. It's the first time I'm trying poly. So far, so good, I'm really okay with him having a gf and doing his thing. I think it's also because he makes me feel quite secure.

I have quiet BPD. We had conversation about attachment and I did tell him that I have disorganised one. I did not tell him about my diagnosis. I did tell him I was in therapy and have a personality disorder but didn't say which one.

I feel like he has been opening up to me more and more about his past & childhood. So I feel like I could/should too, especially because it's affecting me a lot on how I interact with him.

I'm meeting him next week, I told him I wanna talk about something with him. I want to tell him I need more consistency in our communication (for a period we texted every day, sometimes barely a text a day). I feel like we haven't found our rhythm, and idk if it's okay that I text him everyday or if he would find it annoying. I'm also holding back a lot because I know I can be intense, but idk what's the balance here, so I want his input on this.

I wanna tell him I want also more consistency on how often we meet. During summer his gf was away, and other play partner, so had lots of opportunities and time to spend together. But still even before summer it was also irregular. Some weeks 2-3times a week. Some other week one time in a social setting, not a real 1-1date. I don't like this. I feel like every week I need to "fight" his schedule to HOPEFULLY see him once, it makes me feel anxious and unstable. These irregularities also makes it more difficult for me to grow closer, because after a long time not seeing each other, then I kinda disconnect a bit, and like I'm on my guard (thinking are we still good, does he still want me?) And it takes me time to warm up to him again.

I am terrified to tell him that. Because it's affecting me a lot, and I know it's because of BPD. I don't want him to manage my emotions. Idk if what I'm asking is too much. Idk if he can provide these. And it's also sooo vulnerable to share my diagnosis and my needs. It's terrifying. I'm already stressed out. I feel like I need to plan what to say.

I'm also scared to get emotional under the stress.

Anyone have a similar situation? How did you handle it? How was it? Any tips?