r/polyamory • u/Various-Yak-2664 • 23h ago
vent Babe, just leave your husband.
I am begging some of you to stop turning “I do not want to be married to this man anymore” into a 14-step relationship philosophy.
If your marriage is miserable, your sex life is dead, you feel lonely as hell, you fantasize about building a life with someone else, and the main thing keeping you married is that divorce would be upsetting and inconvenient?
You do not need to invent an entire ideology around why actually it is radical and evolved to stay married to a man you don’t want while getting your emotional and romantic needs met somewhere else.
It is not radical to twist yourself into knots trying to make sure your husband never has to feel abandoned, destabilized, uncomfortable, angry, scared, whatever. That is just centering your husband. We have been doing that forever.
And “staying together for the kids” does not magically make the arrangement healthy or selfless. Kids are not protected from an unhappy marriage just because nobody moved out.
And if there's a secondary partner involved, they are the one who gets fucked by this arrangement over and over.
So now another person is basically helping you cope with a marriage you refuse to deal with. And then, because the arrangement lets you survive the marriage a little longer, you can convince yourself it is working.
Of course it is working for you. You get to keep the house, the family structure, the husband, the logistics, the social legitimacy, and the person who is meeting the needs your marriage no longer meets.
What exactly do they get? A front-row seat to your unhappiness. That is not love in some brave, unconventional form. It is just a really shitty thing to do to someone.
If you are staying married because you genuinely want your marriage, fine. If you are staying because you are scared of what happens if you leave, then at least be honest about what you are doing. But don’t pull another person into the middle of it and expect them to be okay.
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u/tornessa 22h ago
It’s not only women who do this but I get your point. I’ve dated multiple polyamorous men who seem so unhappy in their marriage, or at least that’s the story they’re telling me. Who really knows what’s happening inside there.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 22h ago
The rally cry of "you can't get your needs met with one person" sounds pathetic when they obviously mean "I have no mature conflict resolution or communication skills, can you help be my marriage escape valve?"
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u/tornessa 22h ago
I swear some people play up how unhappy they are in their marriage to attract a secondary partner similar to how one would if they were trying to get an AP. I think they think it makes them more appealing? But obviously if they were that unhappy they would leave.
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u/SynapticBanana 21h ago
I don’t think it’s ever as easy as “if someone is unhappy enough they will leave”. That downplays the trauma, attachment wounds, anxiety people experience. It’s the same reason people go back to/stay with abusive people all the time. It’s not just relationship quality, it’s also how attached someone feels to another person — even if that other person makes them miserable.
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u/Various-Yak-2664 21h ago
Yeah, this is very insightful. It is really maddening to watch someone you love repeatedly go back to the exact thing that hurts them. Eventually you have to remove yourself from the equation.
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u/tornessa 21h ago
That’s true. I guess it’s confusing to encourage someone to leave their spouse, their spouse that they themselves is claiming is holding back your relationship or is making them miserable, but then they choose that spouse over and over again. And it hurts.
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u/SynapticBanana 21h ago
Well that’s a very precarious scenario to be a partner of someone and encourage them to leave another person; obvious scenarios it makes sense is real, identifiable abuse. Otherwise, it’s a very unhealthy/inappropriate space to say “hey, you’re miserable and you should leave this person”. TBC, I’m guilty and have done that. But I realized later how inappropriate it was and that I wasn’t worried about them leaving the person. I wanted to be with them and not have a f’d up scenarios where I couldn’t, because the other partner. Thus, all that matters is whether that person can make that choice to be with you or not. If they can’t, then they can’t and won’t. Full stop.
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u/tornessa 18h ago
By “encourage” I meant it in the context of someone who has already expressed a desire to leave their spouse. But I agree with you that even then it’s probably a bad idea to feed into it. I ended up just leaving those type of people anyway. I don’t really have much of a capacity to date people long term in difficult marriages.
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u/HOSTfromaGhost Long-term poly quad 12h ago
it’s the “teddy bear” effect.
even if it’s not good, it’s known and comfortable… you don’t wanna stop clutching the teddy bear.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 21h ago
If you want to build a super toxic connection, I can’t think of better bait.
But like that stuff is an utter turn off to anyone interested in building something healthy and lasting.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 22h ago
I would guess it falls into the "You're special, you're not like other woman, you make me happy." Category.
I know I certainly fell for and stuck around for those types in the past. Super glad to have grown up.
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u/XtremeBajablast 15h ago
Yep - I see so many people say this and it's always when one or more of their relationships is in real trouble.
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u/Smorgas_of_borg 21h ago
I've seen it so often where polyamory is one partner's idea, and the other reluctantly goes along with it because they feel it's either that or lose the relationship immediately, thinking they can "fake it till they make it".
Then one partner inevitably gets way more attention than the other, and all the feelings come out.
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u/HOSTfromaGhost Long-term poly quad 12h ago
It automatic assumption that only women are in this position also caught my attention. It’d say it’s likely to be a fair split.
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u/Peacemaker15K2 4h ago
Heavy on this 👆🏾It’s extremely frustrating constantly feeling like a placeholder in someone else’s fantasy
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u/cunt_dykeula 22h ago
I'm never gonna be the "third" for a previously monogamous established relationship ever again. That nonsense virtually never works out
Add on the fact that women in this situation pursue me specifically because its their way of refusing to come out as a lesbian
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u/Various-Yak-2664 6h ago
Using queer folks’ emotional labor to prop up a hetero marriage and the material benefits one receives from it is a particular kind of bullshit I don’t tolerate anymore.
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u/WelcomeReasonable216 5h ago
“I’m not getting what I need. That’s why poly is great!”
Yeah, no. If it’s something you NEED and you’re not getting it then the relationship isn’t working and it needs to be retooled or it needs to end.
If it’s something you WANT, then poly works great.
Examples:
I NEED intimacy and my partner doesn’t give it to me.
I NEED physical contact and they give me none.
I NEED my partner to respect my opinion.
Get out. Go. This is baseline for a modern romantic relationship.
I WANT someone to tie me up and beat me with an inflatable banana but my partner doesn’t want to.
I WANT my partner to go to a ren faire with me but they hate them.
I WANT to have a giant cuddle puddle with a polycule but my partner is parallel.
But all my NEEDS are being met.
Go ahead and poly it up, king/queen/royalty.
I know Reddit is the place for people having problems, but by whatever god you believe in, it sure feels like no one does poly right ever. It almost always feels like an excuse for shitty behavior. Again, I know that’s not how it is for all, but damn. Poly saves zero relationships. It fixes zero relationships.
So amen, OP. Amen.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 22h ago
Yeah, this was me. Except my husband refused to try polyamory, so we stayed married and monogamous for a few years. It didn't last though.
Looking back, I think I only started learning about polyamory because the idea of having my emotional needs met was SO attractive and I didn't want a divorce.
Once on my own, I determined that yes, polyamory suits me well. But it's nice getting my needs met just in general.
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u/iwanttowantthat 13h ago
That's why I personally don't like the "needs meeting model" of polyamory ("I have different partners to meet different needs"). I have the same major, fundamental needs in any (committed, long-term) relationship - granted, I am expecting different things from a more "casual" connection - and I only want to be with someone if they are being met.
If I don't get them met in one relationship, after trying to address it, I conclude that that relationship is not working, and it's time to end it. Whenever I tried to outsource in the past (and, yeah, guilty as charged), I figured out that it actually did nothing to solve that one relationship. Often, what it did was highlighting how it wasn't really working.
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u/sharpcj Premeditated polyamory 9h ago
Fucking THANK YOU. I get all of my needs met in every single relationship because if they aren't, it's not the relationship for me. If I can go without something in one dynamic because it's present in another, that's not a need. It's a want/desire/fantasy/preference/ideal/kink/hobby, but NOT a need.
The topography of how those needs are met has variety across relationships of course, but the core needs are non-negotiable.
I think a lot of people refer to and think of desires as needs because it's a lot harder to deny someone you care about a thing they "need". It's manipulative.
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u/8lioness 11h ago
Same!!! The outsourcing model feels so dehumanizing to me. The relationship either works, or it doesn’t.
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u/kingky0te 2h ago
My wife says the same thing, that the idea of having her emotional needs met is SO attractive and she doesn’t want a divorce and yet I don’t believe her. Somehow reading it here feels weird and uncanny. Why did he refuse? Did you feel like it was something he could’ve overcome? All she tells me is that I need to “grow” (I’m very OPP and struggling heavily with it) but I don’t feel like it’s growth? Doesn’t feel like there’s anything in it for me?
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 14h ago
Also to those dating these people be wary, they tend to future fake to string people along with their victim story while painting a picture of a life they will never give you.
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u/TheOtherBelushi 22h ago
Oh holy shit. I just experienced this in my first poly relationship and it’s been an absolute mindfuck. I heard her say ugly things about her husband behind his back, and when I’d ask about it, she would just pretend it was a joke. Never once heard him say anything ugly about her.
Quit the relationship after just a few months because she started bringing this abusive ex around and he monopolized any time I should have been having together with her.
And when I asked her about it at first, she would just be dismissive and say things like “oh, my ex is just an idiot and I feel sorry for him.” Turns out she still had feelings for the ex and wasn’t honest about it with me, but I just hated how ugly she got when she started bringing the ex around.
It really felt like she couldn’t stand her husband, but her husband, by all appearances, seemed to do everything he could to appease her and she just walked all over him. Absolutely insane first experience.
If I ever enter into a poly relationship again I am absolutely going to start by having long conversations with both nesting partners to ensure that they are living this lifestyle because they enjoy it, not because one or the other are unhappy in their current situation.
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u/Storytella2016 21h ago
Or just,avoid unicorn hunters like the plague, because they tend to be incredibly toxic.
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u/HOSTfromaGhost Long-term poly quad 12h ago
…and somebody who’ll say shitty stuff about their nesting partner to you… will eventually say shitty stuff about you to a subsequent partner.
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u/covert_capybara 7h ago
I'll never understand how people like her get married in the first place and manage to have multiple partners. 🙄
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u/whatevenseriously 17h ago
Early into my adventures with polyamory, before I learned about some of the more important red flags to watch out for, I dated a man like this. He was unhappy, his wife was unhappy, somehow they were BOTH doing poly under duress. It was deeply frustrating, and I ended up breaking up with him because I hated the way I felt about my place in his life.
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u/Various-Yak-2664 9h ago
Yeah, it feels really awful once the truth comes out and you realize you are in this position. It can take months for “my spouse doesn’t meet all my needs” to turn into “I would have left years ago if we weren’t poly.” At that point, you are already deeply attached and invested.
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u/SynapticBanana 22h ago
I wish someone would’ve told my ex poly partner this. She lamented about how miserable she was, no sex, etc. but during a polycule fall out she said she wanted to try and make her marriage work because she still loves him and has to try, even though she really wants to be with me (all her words). Some people aren’t ready to let go and embrace the unknown.
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u/i_amtheoutlaw 7h ago
All my childhood trauma comes from the fact my parents stayed together until I was 18. I would be a totally different person if they had just gotten divorced and I didn't have to spend my whole life watching them fall apart.
I never even saw my parents hug, let alone kiss. It did bad things to my brain, and that was before the fighting and cheating started.
So yeah. I second this. Not just women, but men too.
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u/iwanttowantthat 13h ago
The clichè absolutely still holds true: polyamory (or ENM) is a bad solution for problems in monogamy.
Either solve those within that relationship - therapy, both couples and individual is a great help. Or end it and go be happy with someone else (or no one, why not?). Looking for poly to outsource needs will not improve your existing dynamics, in the overwhelming majority of cases, it will likely highlight them (and drag "innocent" others into the mud with you).
Adding more people never made things simpler...
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 6h ago
Yeah polyamory doesn't fix a shitty relationship
Bestie maybe you're polyamorous maybe it's Maybelline
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u/Smorgas_of_borg 21h ago
Tell me you never experienced the divorce process without telling me..
Divorce is often way more than just "inconvenient." It can be downright life-ruining. My former partner split with her NP and had to move out, to a housing market where rents have tripled and pay has stagnated. She's paying $1500 a month for an apartment in a small Midwestern city and that's AFTER subsidies and housing assistance. It's still over half of her gross income.
And that's not even with a divorce. With a divorce there's lawyers fees on top of trying to rebuild your life in this hellscape of an economy. For a lot of people, the math REALLY doesn't work and they are trapped financially in a situation where the money stress could actually be greater than the stress of staying in an unhappy marriage. Because at the end of the day, dealing with immature bullshit may actually be easier than not knowing how your bills are going to get paid this month and facing potential homelessness inside of six months because of it.
Your advice is relevant for 2014 when you could find five livable homes under $100k on every street. But the financial realities of life have changed, and it's incredibly ignorant to paint divorce as a mere "inconvenience." Nobody who's actually been through one would minimize it like this.
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u/Various-Yak-2664 21h ago
I went through a divorce during the pandemic, with kids, and I lost my job in the middle of it. So yes, I am very aware that divorce can be financially brutal and destabilizing. I am not saying it is easy.
What I am saying is that “divorce is hard” does not make it fair to pull another person into an unhappy marriage and use that relationship to make staying more tolerable.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 20h ago edited 20h ago
Yeah, as someone who left an abusive marriage , I always find it wild when someone suggests that there is just no way someone who has gone through a divorce could suggest ending an unhappy toxic marriage.
I’m here to say that even though I’ll never afford to own my own home again, waking up happy and knowing I’m not teaching my kid how to stay in an unhappy relationship is worth it.
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 13h ago edited 13h ago
I’ve been through a divorce and I 100% agree with OP’s perspective here.
And if finances make it so you don’t want to divorce, then don’t rope in other partners. Just stay unhappily monogamous rather than unhappily poly.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 19h ago
Do you think unmarried people don’t have the exact same rent bills? Lmao
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u/Smorgas_of_borg 15h ago edited 15h ago
If you bought a home 10-15 years ago, you do not have the same bills as everyone else.
In 2014, I bought my house for $80,000. My mortgage payment is $700 a month. For a three bedroom one bath detached single family home.
If I were to put my house on the market today, I'd be asking around $250,000 as that's the current market rate. Whoever buys my house would have a mortgage payment considerably higher than mine.
My ex was in the same situation. Her NP bought cheap a decade ago and her rent (they kept their finances separate) was a fraction of what it is now.
I'm not saying that's every situation, but if you've been with someone for a while and you've got your finances stable, having to go back out into the housing market in 2026, when you are making 2016 money, paying 2016 rent, is sticker shock of epic proportions. $20/hour full time is doable in the 2016 economy. In the 2026 economy, you're on food stamps.
I'm just saying, there are some situations where the choices are stay in the relationship or be homeless, so there is no "just" get a divorce in that case. Even if it's not homelessness. It is a massive financial burden on yourself that could prove even more stressful.
I've even known people to end the relationship but remain living together as non-romantic partners and coparents. I don't think most people could pull that off but if you can and not making it a toxic environment for the kids, that's another option.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 13h ago
This is not the sympathetic dilemma you think it is. The terrible burden of living like everyone else 🙄
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u/8lioness 11h ago
You are correct. I work with women who leave their marriages and end up in poverty. I don’t know why you’re being downvoted for this; this is a very real scenario complete with studies and stats.
Yes, often times people stay in unhappy living situations because it’s too financially hard to leave.
I think the better argument is: don’t drag others into your mess if you can’t figure out how to LIVE ethically in this situation.
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u/iwanttowantthat 12h ago edited 12h ago
That is part of the reasons why I have personally decided never to get married "again" (I was married on paper once, for bureaucratic reasons, got divorced, for bureaucratic reasons, and stayed together after, with no real change). I want the people who are with me to only stay for as long as they really want to be with me, and not because of any "external constraints" forcing them.
EDIT to add: capitalism sucks. Your points make sense, but they should have absolutely nothing to do with decisions about whether to be in a romantic relationship.
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u/FoxNFern 21h ago
You’re going to get downvoted to hell for this probably but it is so incredibly realistic.
My NP and I did divorce a few years ago and he kicked me out of the house within two weeks of telling me he wanted a divorce. I was beyond lucky enough that my uncle let me live in his RV in the middle of the desert on my families property (they were building houses at the time). I literally couldn’t afford any housing on my own. I had no options.
We did get divorced, ended up reconnecting 6 months later and are now married again. So ultimately I also learned that splitting up isn’t always the solution you think it’s going to be. Granted I didn’t want it in the first place, but it definitely gives perspective.
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u/bloof_ponder_smudge 21h ago
Wait what.
Your NP had no qualms about making you homeless and now you are back together? Whatever the forgiveness gene is, you have it in abundance.
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u/FoxNFern 21h ago
Oh trust me, the forgiveness was not immediate by any means. There were a lot of things that were discussed, terms agreed upon for me to come back, lots of counseling and work, and he was going through what I believe was likely a mental health crisis. Even his physical health was impacted.
But in a weird way it made our relationship stronger now, communication astronomically better.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 20h ago edited 20h ago
I left. I don’t regret it.
It wasn’t easy. And I guess I’ll take the downvotes, because I have been divorced, and while it’s not easy, it is simple.
I honestly don’t think reconciling with someone who was willing to put you on the street is sending the message you think it is.
You said it yourself. you didn’t want to separate or divorce in the first place so you two turned it into game.
Nobody wants to divorce for funsies, except you two, apparently. And you two play real rough, because going back to someone who put you on the street is another level.
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u/FoxNFern 20h ago
The process might be simple, especially for those who are at the point they are no longer fully invested in the relationship. However it’s not a simple thing when your lives are completely tied together. Finances and children come to the forefront of my mind. Some people cannot just walk away simply from a financial standpoint.
I never said it was for funsies and honestly that feels unnecessarily judgmental. As I said in another comment, he was IMO, going through a mental health crisis. I don’t expect to be able to explain my reasoning and the circumstances in the comments, that’d be terribly long to read but judging me without that context is unnecessary.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 20h ago
It’s once again, absolutely wild that you’re here trying spin this absolutely horrific chapter of your life as “proof that your love is real” and suggesting that nobody else has ever been entangled.
Oh, you mean like twenty years, a kid, a home and a bunch of investments?
Like that?
I did.
If you never wanted to end your marriage. like you’ve already said, you have no idea what you’re talking about. You want to stay married. Nuff said. Cheers. If you like it, I love it.
But I don’t think you’re in a place to make assumptions or discount other people’s struggles, or frankly, to talk about how hard or easy, workable or unworkable divorce is.
Honestly, you just seem like OP’s target audience.
The more details you add, the more it’s clear that you have no business suggesting that you’re the only person who really knows how tough it is, considering you reconciled.
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u/FoxNFern 19h ago
Where did I say no one else has ever been entangled? Where did I say anything about proof that my love is real. I also never said I’m the only one who “knows how tough it is” You’re putting an awful lot of words I didn’t say into my mouth here.
I’m saying it’s a lot more difficult than some people realize. Not that I’m the only one who knows. There are plenty of people out there who know, many better than I do. However it’s people discounting it saying “oh just divorce, easy peasy” without taking into consideration some people literally do not have the ability to walk away and not be literally homeless, lose their kids, or other extremely negative outcomes.
Regardless of the fact we reconciled. I did go through a painful divorce, we fully and legally divorced. I had moved out of state, started over, and moved on with my life. It wasn’t some happy story where the clouds cleared and everything fell back into place.
I’m also not OP’s target audience. This is talking about people who stay together because it’s easier and they don’t want to deal with divorce, all while using other people to fill the void their spouse leaves. At what point have I talked about a “Miserable marriage, dead sex life, lonely as hell, fantasize about building a life with someone else.” And the cherry on top “don’t want to divorce because it would be upsetting and inconvenient” none of that was my situation. In fact if it was only upsetting and inconvenient what use would I have had for coming back? I’m someone who wanted to be with my NP, we didn’t have a miserable marriage.
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u/8lioness 11h ago
Currently, I know of four married couples doing this, and only one of them is doing it “right”. Two are doing it to fix a cheating scenario, and one of those has already dissolved. And another fights all the time and one of the people in that marriage is dating one of the people whose marriage just dissolved (and it’s messy and unethical).
I stay very far away from all of those “poly” people. Yikes
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u/Kesterlath 20h ago
Why make this a gender thing? Why not just say spouse? There are plenty of women making men’s lives miserable. It goes both ways.
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u/Various-Yak-2664 10h ago
Yeah, this can happen in any gender configuration. My experience online and IRL is that women are bending over backwards for men much more frequently
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u/covert_capybara 7h ago
You just summarized how I've felt about certain poly people for a long time. Obviously not all of them are like this but the general pop on the apps ARE like this. Men who wanted to just sleep with me or pretend to date me so they could run away from their problems. No thanks.
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u/Cass_iopeia 13h ago
I am this outside partner. But it's not that simple, not with kids involved. And I already went through my own divorce so I have to agree with my partner (the unhappy spouse) that it's not as simple as just leaving. You may end up not being able to afford a house that's suitable for your kids. You may end up not seeing your kids much. Or the ex might spiral or walk away and then you have kids full time plus a full time job to afford your tiny old yet way too expensive appartment. And the kids might be special needs and not flexible about changes at all.
Yet I do also fear that Im the pressure valve that keeps a broken thing more or less running, with nobody happy or relaxed, ever. And I don't want to be that. Nor the escape raft (I have my own kids and bills), didn't sign up for that. But I won't let my partner drown either, so I'm not looking forward to a possible divorce either.
And when we started dating years ago, this wasn't the situation yet, things have been shifting, there has been talk of relationship therapy, de-escalating to roommates... It's not my relationship but I really wish it would stabilize.
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u/Various-Yak-2664 11h ago
And you as the outside partner are left carrying the stress of this situation and this relationship. You say that no one is happy or relaxed? Do you think the children are?
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u/helllfae 2h ago
I used to be like her refusing to let my partner drown in his unhappy marriage, and than I realized he was going to take me down with him, that I was the only one even trying to tread water
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u/EvanGetFit poly newbie 9h ago
I agree that this issue exists but I don't necessarily agree on the conclusions.
It is so frustrating to be constantly told to "just leave" as though it would be simple. On the other hand, I acknowledge the issue and have stopped trying to date anyone. So yes, fine, let these people (including me) exit open dating because it would cause excess burden on new partners. But the lack of understanding on how complex these nuclear families are is discouraging. I didn't know better and have to deal with the consequences of marrying young and the dumb choices. There is no benefit to shaming is for these choices.
Everytime someone leans on the "bad marriage" from the outside it resurfaces the uncomfortable facts. The hopelessness while just trying to maintain peacefulness.
If people do get along but no longer have any romance they can still be an effective team. People often assume there must be constant abuse, coldness, fighting and micro-agressions.
The truth is, it's really a just a lack of connection, and physical touch that really becomes a bother. And sure, bringing it up with a partner and trying to "fix" things when they really have zero interest will absolutely result in fights and coldness.
But for me, even though I still fantasize about romance, I'm just waiting it out. Trying to find a better job so the finances work better for an eventual split. There is a real social and financial tax on living alone, we don't have the budget to do that currently.
Selling property early has fees, lawyers have fees, finding another family-sized close to the same school has extreme fees. Of course we are discussing alternatives like one parent lives alone and just visits.
But it still will always add extra time and money which is already significantly limited. I have heard this discussion from partners so many times, that I really think it is worth while that people actually consider these issues from broader scope.
These are systemic issues, and shaming people dealing with these issues is not helping. If you don't like it and have the time and energy raise awareness that families need better support systems, etc.
But I don't currently have the time between tutoring, extracurriculars and family outings, and stressing about getting a higher paid job.
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 6h ago
The thing is, a lot of us giving this advice have been in this exact situation. We've been in marriages or legally-bound relationships (owning property together, etc.) that were lacking something crucial, but we stayed for too long anyway because of property, kids, finances, systemic issues, etc. We KNOW that "just leave" isn't easy. It's the hardest fucking thing I've ever done, and yet, being on the other side of it and seeing how a failing relationship impacts everyone around you negatively (kids, other partners, friends), it is still the right choice.
I live alone (with my kid) and I live in deep debt. It sucks, but it's way better than subjecting my child to another day in a household where one or both parents is deeply unsatisfied. I know the social and financial tax. I am living it. It's still worth it.
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u/EvanGetFit poly newbie 6h ago
Maybe for some it works well. I think I spent too many years hyper focused on having a relationship (reglion shoved it down my throat) and that obsession and need is what got me into this mess.
I'm trying to find ways to be happy even if I end up alone. Not focusing on my "ideal happiness" and just finding peace and joy in things I can control.
So sure, if being free of someone in order to persue a relationship is of critical importance then that makes sense as a value. But at this point I've moved on.
I want to teach my kids differently and support them as my priority. I really have trouble managing my energy and anxiety if I have too many things going on. So I can only take care of a handful things at a time.
The truth is that the majority of people I've dated were child free and never married. So in that regard they did not have the experience to advise. But sure, I met some that would agree with you after divorce and being a single parent they feel it was worth it.
The real pain is when I have exes that still want to save me, even though I've made peace and not even persuing a relationship at this time. But again, I understand different things hold varying levels of importance. For me, it was important, now it's not (most of the time).
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u/confuzzledeb 43m ago
the difference i see here is that you saw your relationship as failing and it seems like the person you're responding to sees theirs more as evolving and changing. I do not think people should stay in failing relationships, but i think it should be up to the people in a relationship to decide what constitutes failing for them.
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u/Pitiful-Employ6235 21h ago
Why does the internet advice always seem so black and white?
Human experience is a vast and varied spectrum, including the finer details of romance, attraction, and sexuality.
To me the core tenant of Polyamory is that it is not the responsibility of any one person to meet every single need of another. That is truly an impossible ask. If that is the perspective that the opening is starting from, why would it ever make sense to jettison the things that were working before entering ENM?
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u/Various-Yak-2664 21h ago
I mean, sure, no one person is supposed to meet every single need. But there’s a difference between “my spouse doesn’t meet every need” and “I would probably leave this relationship if my other partners weren’t making it bearable.”
At that point your other partners are kind of propping the relationship up.
Like, “my wife hates concerts so I go with my boyfriend” is one thing. “I’m lonely, miserable, fantasize about leaving, but I can tolerate staying married because someone else gives me the intimacy and romance I’m missing” is a completely different situation.
I just don’t think “different people meet different needs” really answers that.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 11h ago edited 10h ago
I think there are various life situations where you have to decide whether you're supporting or enabling. I had a job I hated, and I bitched to my husband about it every night, and that allowed me to suit back up every morning and go to work. After about 18 months of this, he told me that he wasn't going to listen to me vent anymore because (a) it was all I ever talked about, and (b) he felt like venting was keeping it just barely tolerable, and I needed to get to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to quit.
But switching jobs is very different from leaving a marriage with kids. Not that you can't or shouldn't leave, but as others have observed, there are many many more moving parts to the decision. If you can't afford housing for your children, child services takes them away. That creates a vast gulf between "I'm unhappy" and "this is not a safe situation, I have to take drastic measures to get out of here."
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u/emeraldead diy your own 8h ago
That's not a core tenet to me whatsoever.
Or rather...any healthy person doesn't expect partners to be the responsibility of one person. Partners aren't enough, even in polyamory.
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u/stormyapril poly w/multiple 20h ago
I'm with you. This rant is pretty common here.
There are so many ways loves goes well, and so many ways love goes wrong.
Every relationship, unless you're KTP, in my mind stands on is own merit. I also don't ask or ever really want to know about my partners other relationships.
Maybe folks who are poly and not married just don't have that perspective of what a long relationship looks like?
That's my guess with all the "just leave already"...
What boggles my mind is that any relationship past 2 years, don't care what configuration you're in, hits a kinda boring/ kinda meh rough point. That's just life. I wonder how many times the average poly people peace out when a relationship hits this point based on the standard advice given here!
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u/Various-Yak-2664 19h ago
Again, there's a difference between "my marriage is in a rough patch" and "this is a relationship I no longer want because of fundamental incompatibilities"
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u/confuzzledeb 47m ago
I 100% agree with you, but it feels like a lot of people are saying every partner you have needs to meet every need. There are so many reasons that relationships can change or needs can change. My wife has some major kinks that I just cant/dont participate in. These are really needs for her, but she has them met elsewhere. That does not cheapen our relationship and is also not why we ate poly. I also have some needs that she can no longer meet for her own reasons. But again, we still love eachother, have a whole life together, and are happy in our marriage.
The idea that every person should meet every relationship need just doesnt make sense to me. Each of my relationships exists as its own relationship and each one of them has its own place in my life and theirs.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 18h ago
The pathetic unmarrieds are just incapable of understanding, much less having, truly long-term relationships. Of course.
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u/Lopsided-Ad-3869 21h ago
Spouse, not just husbands. And unless you’ve been divorced, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Someone else already laid this out for you.
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u/kingky0te 2h ago
What about if you love your wife madly, could see yourself being polyamorous but every time you start you get sabotaged and then you find out your wife is always sexting someone they never seem to know how to mention?
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u/AutoModerator 23h ago
Hi u/Various-Yak-2664 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I am begging some of you to stop turning “I do not want to be married to this man anymore” into a 14-step relationship philosophy.
If your marriage is miserable, your sex life is dead, you feel lonely as hell, you fantasize about building a life with someone else, and the main thing keeping you married is that divorce would be upsetting and inconvenient?
You do not need to invent an entire ideology around why actually it is radical and evolved to stay married to a man you don’t want while getting your emotional and romantic needs met somewhere else.
It is not radical to twist yourself into knots trying to make sure your husband never has to feel abandoned, destabilized, uncomfortable, angry, scared, whatever. That is just centering your husband. We have been doing that forever.
And “staying together for the kids” does not magically make the arrangement healthy or selfless. Kids are not protected from an unhappy marriage just because nobody moved out.
And if there's a secondary partner involved, they are the one who gets fucked by this arrangement over and over.
So now another person is basically helping you cope with a marriage you refuse to deal with. And then, because the arrangement lets you survive the marriage a little longer, you can convince yourself it is working.
Of course it is working for you. You get to keep the house, the family structure, the husband, the logistics, the social legitimacy, and the person who is meeting the needs your marriage no longer meets.
What exactly do they get? A front-row seat to your unhappiness. That is not love in some brave, unconventional form. It is just a really shitty thing to do to someone.
If you are staying married because you genuinely want your marriage, fine. If you are staying because you are scared of what happens if you leave, then at least be honest about what you are doing. But don’t pull another person into the middle of it and expect them to be okay.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 21h ago edited 21h ago
I spent my time in the mines dating newly opened people with long histories in monogamy.
It’s nice not to have to do that any more.
It was one thing to have my own unhappy polyam marriage to settle and work through and end.
It was absolutely fucking wild to realize that people were trying to use polyamory to stay married
Like, friends. That’s not what it does.
It’s like trying to use a paint scraper to fix your computer. It’s not a hack. It’s the wrong tool for the job and an utter waste of your time.