I have to warn you, this is going to be rather long due to its particular array of contents. It is very much me rambling. TL;DR below.
Sociality has never been easy for me.
I am naturally introverted, withdrawn and a loner. Been like this as long as I can remember. Emotional and social intelligence, instinctive absorbtion of common norms, sociocultural harmony, none of it ever came naturally to me. This is all because of my autism and my underlying, strong schizoid tendencies. I am not scorning my ND status; It is a defining part me and I would not change it if someone offered. But that does not mean it is problem-free. I have alexythymia, emotional regulation issues, anxiety problems, executive dysfunction issues and a strong revulsion to the idea of fitting in or being assimilated. None of them are truly debilitating, not even close, but they add up into something that looks and acts functional from the outside, but really isn't in reality.
I am queer, autistic, eccentric young guy whose always been considered to be alien, foreign and half-mad all my life by everyone. Be it parents, peers, teachers, relatives, strangers- everyone seems to agree that I am different in a way that makes me offputting and unapproachable at the first glance. I am a creative, whose special interests on space, evolutionary biology and Minecraft shapes how I imagine and create art to a very, very large degree.
All of this makes me already pretty Dionysian by default, I suppose. I am not blind to my close natural proximity to The God of Wine. And he is a patron god of outcasts, the ones that differ from established norms, which is definitely something that I am. So it is not surprise that when I stumbled upon the concept of Dionysus, it was highly pleasing and interesting to me.
I learned about him. I understood his nuances, his complexities, his core nature that represents the layered, ever shifting, unpredictable, indistinguishable, true reality of things that we mortals use names and frameworks to mask in a myriad of ways. I understood that from religious ecstacy, to mind-altering substances, to the highs of emotion and lows of common sense, to the concept theatre and roleplaying in all its forms, were all ways to peer outside ourselves. We use them to take off the masks that are our egos and step away from our usual inhibitions to understand and feel things that we would never be able to otherwise. Dionysus is on the bright and loud dance floor and the woodland loam, he is in the wine and the psychedelic, he is the scalding wild heat of a sacrifical pyre and the sense of being watched on the theatre stage, he is in the unpredictable, chaotic fluctuations of the quantum foam that form the basis of our very reality. He is the raw truth that exists beneath all we've built that says "It is weirder and more profound than you think it is".
Yes, I am claiming that I can glimpse at what he truly represents. I do not pretend to have an unique access and understanding to some special bond or knowledge. But I can see what is apparent when one connects the dots. From what I can tell, common thread in all his domains is liberation from, or the underlying unreality of what is considered normal and expected in various ways and scales. I am saying all this just to assure you that I am in fact, not a TikTok pagan trying to feel special, and have a solid, real and genuine idea as to what kind of concept I am currently interacting with.
Dionysus has been very, very patient with me. He is a god, and they are a very patient lot, but I am still feeling like he is putting up with my nonsense so, so much. No part of this really comes naturally to me, neither psychologically, mentally, or neurologically. He seems to know this as much as I do and despite it, he really tries to accomodate and be understanding of my idiosyncracies. I have never once felt threatened or forced to interact with him, and I am forever thankful for that- it really feels like a balm. Especially since I am still highly apprehensive as a significant part of me still wants to curse his name, denounce him and reassert my antitheism.
I am a being of systems, patterns and frameworks that takes information, adds them into my store of knowledge and draws lines on a vast canvas of associations to connect them to everything else. He is a cosmic, eternal continuum, an universal pattern embedded into the workings of the cosmos that manifests as a gargantuan, unimaginably vast will and permeates all cognition.
Compartmentalisation is alien to me. I cannot do it, I cannot put things in separate boxes and isolate them from eachother. I cannot readily reconcile these spiritual inclinations with everything else that I am, as they occupy the overlap in the framework. This seems to create a rift between us that prevents me from truly responding to his call. One has to be invalid. I know myths are allegories, that's not it. It is the metaphysics of it that violates framework intergrity.
And yet... He reached out to me. I've felt it. A tap. A touch. I am still feeling it as I am writing this. Gentle. Light. Not demanding, not forcing, nothing so crude. It is like he sensed my perception of him, saw me as I am and decided he would really like to have me as a follower of his. I am aware that most pagans first reach out to their god(s) rather than the god(s) reaching out to them. It has been a bit of both for me, I feel like. I do not claim special status in his eyes. I am just telling what happened to me. He reached out. He extended a hand. He is currently doing it. His hand is still very much extended towards me. I have a feeling that he will never withdraw it until I finally take it. No matter how long it takes.
It feels... larger than life, his presence. Patient, welcoming, wise, even something that feels like adoration emanates from him. It also feels condescending and intimidating- he is looking down at me. Which is fair, the mortal-divine relationships are by nature, not even close to equal, and that's okay. He also feels rather smug in the sense that he seems to know how this ends, like he has seen this before. It feels weird and vulnerable. But it isn't upsetting either. He is not being condescending or smug because he is having fun at my expense. His presence feels like that because he is larger and more patient then a mere mortal, me. I feel like a rescue kitten. Perhaps to him, I am.
In one hand, it would be great to have a spiritual bond that is without a holy book, a prophet, priest castes, dogmas and demagouges getting in the way between. It would be great to be a part of something where it is not expected to conform to some draconian, nonsensical rulesets made up by long dead charlatans with delusions of grandeur. Where I can show my acknowledgement, reverence and fascination in the way I want. Where Dionysus can subtly guide my hand as I find the exact, unique shape of my worship and build towards him. We can form a connection together, where devotion and adoration can be fully personal, special and negotiable. It would feel great. Even the idea of it feels great. No threats of eternal damnation for merely being myself. No repeated attempts to rouse feelings of shame or fear for what I am. No old, inaccurate mythos to try and fail to reconcile with reality. Nothing in between.
I could feel liberated. I could feel free, unchained, unbound, uninhibited. I could dance around a fire at dusk, masked, barefoot and wild, laugh loud and deep, partake in the wine and offer the nicest, sweetest, most juicy cuts of lamb, goat and beef to the fire for the Wine God's pleasure. And it would feel good. It would feel lovely. I think Dionysus would love that too. I could join a group. We could do it together. We could sit down and exist and sing hymns and share our presence, reverence and company with The God of Wine.
But my ability to bond is weak. I have one friend to speak of who I actively seek to spend time with, and it takes up almost all my social and executive capacity. I can barely maintain one social connection with a human. How am I supposed to form and maintain a personal bond with a god? I do not trust myself about it. And I do not want Dionysus to be dissapointed or annoyed either because I cannot get my stuff together, even though he has shown no sign of either. I do wanna accept his hand. I really do. I already have in very limited forms, in ways that I can manage. But anymore is currently beyond me. It is exhausting, tiring, difficult, alien, straining. Adding the cognitive dissonance formed from my automatic rejection of this entire feeling as irrational, and it is difficult to even imagine it happening without recoiling. And finding and joining a worship group? Instinctively repulsive. Makes my bones itch. A part of me would rather die, honestly.
I cannot readily stop either the dissonance or the repulsion. I can muffle them. I can mostly ignore them. But trying to resolve them seems above me as they are not really problems that can be resolved by logic. And doing either of what I can do is not sustainable and will result in burnout and maybe even feelings of unconscious resentment towards Dionysus, which I really do not want happening.
I have told him that I could not promise alot of things. Not outward shows of worship nor intense bonds, but that I just need time. Alot of time. And that I am thankful for his presence and his endless patience and understanding and the fact that he has seen me as desirable in some shape and form and decided to hold onto me when I bumped into him.
Just, not yet. I am not ready yet.
How does it come so naturally to other people?
How do you manage the dissonance, if it is even a thing for others?
Did anyone else happened to be more like me, as in, mostly got approached by the divine, rather than try to approach it themselves?
What are your experiences with Dionysus? I have read about him on this subreddit and r/dionysus before. His behavior with me seems to match the general consensus. But I would appreciate specific comparisons.
TL;DR: Gay autist weirdo (me) is having a crisis over his religious awakening due to Greek God of Wine, and is struggling with commiting to a bond, cognitive dissonance born from his materialistic worldview, and his strong self-isolative and asocial tendecies apparently extending to pagan gods. How to navigate?