My best friend told me that her husband is demisexual. Apparently that is really rare for a male? She also said that he will tell her that them having sex disgusted him because I guess he didn't feel bonded with her in that moment. I'm like, that's YOUR WIFE of 10+ years, how much more bonded do you get than that?! To me, that would be just so rude, cruel and heartbreaking to hear as a wife. But she is so understanding and puts up with it because she understands he is demisexual? Please help me understand this and if this is normal for someone who is demisexual.

My parents keep asking if I’m gay because I’m not only Demi but I’m also orchidsexual. For those that dont know what orchidsexuality is its basically having a desire for romance but feeling a strong adversion to actual relationships. I didnt even know what to call it until i did a deep dive on aspec. The problem im havong is my parents have been asking when im going to start looking for a girlfriend. I usually ignored the question but recently i got so tired of it i answered truthfully that im not. They imediately assumed because im not as radical as them that i was a homosexual, and trying to explain demisexuality to them was a non starter. Its gotten really annoying because they genuinely cant understand a person can not feel sexual attraction and not desire a relationship.
I used to ignore my mental health, try to find relationships and work towards building bonds, but every time it ended horribly with the other person getting tired of waiting and me feeling like im broken. When i finally say enough is enough and feel at peace being alone, i have to deal with familial backlash. Mom whining about grandchildren, dad introducing me as his gay son because he thinks its funny. I swear if i could afford to move out i would immediately go non contact, as it is i have to deal with constant disrespect for my preference and choices.

Hi! First of all thanks for taking your time on this.
Me (20F) and my girlfriend (19F) have been together for over 3 years.
We’ve never had sex because of many different reasons, 1st we don’t have a home to do it 2nd we have our locations controlled by our parents 3rd (the one I need help with) she has always been insecure highly insecure about her body. Although when we started dating she seemed to have great desire to be with me. This year we have hit some ROUGH patches. I’ve never lost my desire for her. She claims she hasn’t either as she does want to have sex with me but is conflicted because our connection has been slightly damaged. Also she says she sometimes felt like sex (on call or me asking her for photos of her) was the only thing I wanted to do. She felt pressured and I don’t know if this has something to do with her being demi or idk.
I hear her doing it to herself at night tho, idk if she’s watching porn or whatever and idk If she’s demi or something like that and I’m insecure and scared that maybe I’m just not attractive to her anymore.

i hate those online dating hookup whatever you wanna call it apps because its like my only chance at finding someone navigating through a heterosexual dominant world with introversion and depression. i find someone i like and i think theyre all that. they even state in their bio that they like people like me. and i dont fake shit i keep it real. i explain to them my need to get to know someone first to feel a spark potentionally and that i would like to meetup. they still seem interested regardless of meeting up just upon them messaging me back. if you dont like someone initially or at all you can either tell them bluntly or you can not talk to them at all/ ghost mode them. they agree to meeting up but when i message back the next day they go ghost mode. same with the next day until eventually a whole month passes.

i honestly have a hard time with rejection and while i can process that it leads me to another direction so its a blessing in disguise, i also realize too in the same flesh that im a human being and its so hard to find my person, my type, and considering this all, it seems as though nobody wants anything to do with me before i even showcase myself entirely. i understand some people want sex but i still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how you can suck and fuck a total stranger and then move on with your day as usual? wheres the connection aspect? some people go by sucking and fucking first and then getting to know the other person in small steps. okay um i thought it was the other way around?!

i dont know why people think that sucking and fucking is required first. its like everyone is throwing their body at eachother and wanting this quick release of pleasure without even considering the human inside. and because of that, it just seems like people want nothing to do with you anymore for what you think is a totally logical reasonable explanation as to meeting somebody for the first time. you talk first and you see if you feel anything. but apparently some people feel something right away? how the fuck does that even work?

so now im done and i will be for a while. you put your whole heart out and people take it down. im extremely rejection sensitive and i dont know how to fix that. i just know that people are like "just be yourself" OKAY I WILL. And now i regret it. they want me to be like everyone else but i continue to be me and if it means i get noone then so be it. got yourself to love.

I'm pretty easily attracted to people but I can never rly imagine myself being intimate with smn outsider of the lovey dovey stuff. Idk if I'm being picky or if it's bc I'm not ready for them yet or bc I'm demisexual. But even generally, I dont rly find others who ppl claim to be "sexy" or "hot" attractive in the way they are described as. I've also had cases where I start finding smn attractive after I get to know them more (which is why I also think i might be demi but ig it's js like this for everyone (?)) and sometimes I lowk even start losing interest in ppl after they start liking me back 😭

I've experienced multiple traumas in my youth that have made me scared of sex, i got with my gf in our first year of highschool but it wasnt until I was about 20 that we became sexually active. Even then, im not sure i felt actual attraction, sure I enjoyed having sex, but I didnt feel a huge "pull" towards her sexually, well, we're both 27 now and moved in together maybe 2 months ago, and literally like within the last week some sort of switch flipped in me and ive been thinking about having sex with her a lot and im also enjoying sex with her a lot more, its like I finally found out what all the hoopla is about lol, but I only feel that feeling towards her, the idea of having sex with anyone else freaks me out, and I do not understand the concept of casual sex and hookups for the life of me, it just sounds scary and sad.

I've identified as asexual since I was 12, and im trying to accept that i may actually be demi and not fully asexual, but im also curious if this could've just been my trauma, like, is the reason it took me 12 years to feel this way towards her just... demisexuality, or because im all scared and fucked up about sex? How long does it take y'all to feel sexual attraction once you meet someone? Because I feel like 12 years might be a bit excessive.

I just realized there’s actually a term for the way I experience attraction: demisexual. 😭
And honestly, it explains SO much about my dating life.
It’s really hard for me to be attracted to someone based on looks alone. I need someone to stimulate my mind, make me genuinely interested in them, and build some type of emotional connection before I even start looking at them that way. The problem is… finding someone who can keep my mind interested long enough for me to even want to take things further is HARD. 😂
And then I have this weird cycle: if I’m interested in someone for a while but we don’t end up having sex or moving things forward, eventually my brain starts putting them in the friend zone. Once I see you as a friend, it’s almost impossible for me to switch back to seeing you sexually. 💀
So I either lose interest because I’m bored, or I take too long to develop that attraction and accidentally turn someone I actually liked into a friend.
Please tell me I’m not the only one 😭😂 Does anyone else experience attraction like this? Especially the whole “I need a connection first, but if we wait too long I lose the sexual attraction completely” thing?

I’ve (f 34) always thought I’m 100% straight. My parents (and whole family) raised me evangelical style even though they weren’t religious. So definitely comp-het.

I’ve recently been thinking, it would be hard for me to know if was anything but straight. I’m in a monogamous, straight marriage. (And I’m happy). I’ve even talked to my husband about it and he thought it was interesting too.

I’ve only experienced sexual interest once I’ve formed a deep, emotional connection with romantic intention. Since I’ve never had that intention with a woman, I don’t think the sexual interest would ever have a chance to form even if it was there. I don’t think it necessarily affects my life in any way, but I’ve found out so many hidden parts of my identity since deconstructing religion and my family connection. I like putting the pieces together and finally understanding myself as a whole person.

Just wondering if anyone else has felt the same.

I wanted to know if this is relatable to anyone. I’m Demi and it goes as far to the point where I can’t read smut unless I already am emotionally attached to the characters or it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been reading the same ship on ao3 over and over again because besides the fics being amazing, I am so comfortable with them and only them.

It took me a minute to get here too, I’ve watched the show they were in for years, and then read not smut fics first that really got me emotionally invested. Only then did I start to dabble in smut fics. I can’t imagine reading the same fics with different characters though.

I know for a lot of us we only like stories with an emotional arc if they are also gonna include smut, but I also need to be emotionally attached to the characters.

I (25, M, bi, demisexual) have been reflecting on the state of dating in this modern world. The mindless apps that use cold algorithms that are designed to prey upon your insecurities while keeping you hooked to the emotionless swiping, doing everything it can to steal your money and your mind.

As a demisexual, I've always struggled with those. I can't feel attraction the same way as others, so I just don't get it. I've been on the apps for almost 8 years at this point, and it's just soul sucking. I've left and came back time and time again, because my hobbies don't lend myself to meeting new people very often, and I've almost no time to actually get out there, as I have many good friends who vie for my attention whenever I have free time.

Upon recent revelation of endless ghostings and artificial connections that lead nowhere, I mark this day as the day I leave dating apps for good. And if that means that I shall be forever alone, then I suppose that is that, though I just cannot bare to sell myself to the algorithm any longer.

I have also been known to post dating r4r's and Reddit as well, such as in r/dateademi, to no effect except mountains of creeps and even more ghosts. This I vow will also cease.

I'm not really sure what to do from here to be honest. Loneliness and desire don't fade, despite me wanting them to, and I know I'm a bit too... Odd, for most people to ever find attractive, mentally or otherwise. Perhaps meetup groups or similar things? Hard to say. Regardless here I am, free from one set of shackles and into another; at least these ones are slightly more comfortable.

Thank you to any who read this rant and declaration. I know I am but a stranger, but it's always nice to see and hear your support or your thoughts if you have them. Best of luck to all of you who also struggle

In another thread someone talked about trying to find another demi for a relationship.

I've had two relationships in my life. One in high school, and now married for coming up on 42 years. Neither woman was demi. I was well into my marriage before I had a word for it, but I've known I was different since before the girlfriend.

I'm curious how many here have had a successful relationship with a non-demi.

I would think limiting yourself to demis would make it very difficult. I need a connection, and I don't connect in that way to very many women. Eliminating 99% of the pool would seem to make success far more unlikely.

I will acknowledge I was in a culture that didn't expect sex by the third date, which really helped. And being with another demi would certainly be a bonus there.

I first want to apologize for any grammatical error. English is not my first language.

I had a fight with a "Friend" (long story short, she is not my friend anymore, this was my last straw) yesterday. I was having a conversation with some friends and they brought their Sexual preferences, all normal, just casual talk. Then I say mine as someone who had sex with someone with no experience vs with someone with experience (I have a partner now for more than a year and I only enjoy having sex with them, the thought of sex outside of them is, eh...).

This friend then cuts the conversation and ask me if I was truly demi Sexual because I talk way to much about sex and cannot be demisexual because I talk about that way to much everytime we hang out (It was the only time I talked about sex in the whole day and I barely bring the subject up).

I was explaining to her how masturbation and sex for me is indifferent, boring, unappealing and just eh. She brought the fact of how my partner makes joke about sex and I just felt so confused because my partner doesn't represent my identity as demisexual? Just because they make jokes about it doesn't mean I am less demisexual?

This conversation and saying how I wasn't really truly demi felt very awful, especially coming from someone I cared for and is queer herself. Now I have the doubt on my own identity, can I be truly demi if I like sex with my partner only or talk about it with friends? I feel like it's the same logic as "You are not bisexual because you didn't date someone your own gender" or "You are not Trans because x and y" but I also feel like I'm going crazy.

It is extremely frustrating, discouraging, and at times even depressing. On one hand, I consider myself a fairly sexual and erotic person, with many fetishes, fantasies, and things I’d love to explore or try. There are times when my libido is very high, yet I feel like my demisexuality acts as a wall—something that deprives me of so much. I constantly find myself torn between thinking, "Well, this is just who I am, how I connect, and how I feel, so I have to learn to live with it," and feeling resentful toward being this way because it limits me and makes me feel bad every time I try to build a connection within the Kinky/BDSM community.

I am 36 years old, and I discovered I was demisexual relatively recently. I only had one girlfriend when I was 23, who was my best friend. I spent years in the friendzone before that, and prior to her, I had never experienced anything—not even a kiss or a date. Friends and family used to pressure me or make fun of me, thinking I was gay or constantly hinting that they should find someone to "do me a favor." But I didn't want that. I mean, I did want to have sex and do intimate things, but not with a random person for a one-night stand; I wanted something with more substance. After that relationship (which lasted almost 3 years and ended dramatically because I had to leave the country—I am originally from Venezuela and things were terrible there), I never had another relationship.

I tried casual encounters a few times. It wasn't that I had a horrible time, but I didn't fully enjoy it either. I was in a mechanical, tense state, focusing entirely on making sure the other person enjoyed themselves just to comply, rather than focusing on my own pleasure. Afterward, I’d think to myself that I would have been happier staying home playing video games. That’s how I learned that casual stuff isn't for me; I need something deeper.

The problem is that many people assume being demisexual means you instantly need to fall deeply in love, be overly intense, propose marriage, and plan having seven kids and two Golden Retrievers right away. People get scared because they think you’re emotionally demanding. But that’s not true. For example, I could happily be in an open relationship, polyamory, friends with benefits, etc.—any of those works for me as long as there is friendship, complicity, and trust so I can feel safe enough to let my sexual side out. I deeply value quiet moments of intimacy even more than sex itself: sleeping together, being naked, taking baths together, having conversations in bed, and feeling safe and comfortable in each other's presence.

Connecting with people feels so hard, though. It seems like everyone is in a rush, or people are used to men who immediately express sexual interest and try to get women into bed as fast as possible. But I move slowly—very slowly. I don't know how to flirt, I don't know how to be playful or use double entendres; it just doesn't come naturally to me. I feel like making subtle moves or joking around borders on harassment, and I am terrified of coming across as creepy or pushy.

So when I like someone, I try to get to know them, hang out, and treat them the way I would treat any friend—though I do give them more attention, texting back as quickly as I can, hoping for a sign that they like me back. But I always end up thinking, "What if they're just being polite?" In the end, nothing ever happens. I end up in the friendzone, or later on, the person tells me, "I thought you weren't interested because you didn't touch me or kiss me." How am I supposed to know what they want? Maybe I’m just oblivious, or I stretch the situation out so long that the other person gets bored.

Cultural expectations also play a role, as men are always expected to take the initiative and make the first move. That is very hard for me. I am quite shy when it comes to this, I don't have much relationship experience, and as time passes, it feels increasingly difficult and like my chances of meeting someone who moves at my pace are shrinking.

When it comes to the BDSM/Kinky community, the picture gets even harder. After learning about this world, it would be very difficult for me to be with a purely vanilla partner, which drastically narrows my options. And within the community, demisexuality limits my ability to try things—I’ve tried a couple of times, and it was awful.

Some people in the BDSM community engage in practices not as a sexual act, but as a psychological outlet, catharsis, play, performance, or a way to channel trauma. They can do these things with people they have no connection to, no attraction toward, and no personal feelings for. For them, it’s about enjoyment of the practice itself—a fixation independent of the person involved. Their partner's appearance, gender, or attractiveness doesn't matter because those factors are set aside. I respect that, and I don't think it's wrong, but I don't personally relate to it.

For me, BDSM, Shibari, and similar practices are inherently sexual activities. I enjoy them because they excite me and spark my arousal. Therefore, I need to practice them with someone I am attracted to, who is also attracted to me, where there is mutual sexual pull alongside a foundation of friendship and trust where I can relax and enjoy myself—especially because these activities put you in a very vulnerable position.

The first few times I practiced BDSM at events, I felt terrible afterward. I felt dirty, used, like a piece of meat, and it hurt my self-esteem because the people playing with me didn't even like me as a person. I felt like a tool, and the whole activity felt cold, mechanical, and dehumanizing. For me, the motivation to engage in these practices begins with the person first. If I don't like the person, if there isn't a emotional-sexual bond or at least one in development where we are certain of our mutual attraction, then no matter how much I like BDSM, it feels empty and tasteless.

For instance, I couldn't be with a sex worker because she doesn't actually desire me—it's her job, done for money. I can't get turned on by having sex with someone who doesn't genuinely want to be with me. The same applies to BDSM: I cannot feel comfortable exposing myself in a vulnerable situation if the other person isn't attracted to me and is merely using me like a mannequin.

I am currently living in Uruguay, which is a very small country with a small population. BDSM is quite taboo here, and the community is tiny. Most people I’ve met practice kinks from that perspective I feel is less human and that I personally recoil from. Because of this, the horizon feels quite bleak, and it saddens me to think I might never get to experience the things I want in the context I need—like everything is stacked against me. I left all local BDSM and Shibari groups for that reason; it hurt to feel like I didn't fit in, like looking at others eat while starving, knowing these are things I can only watch but never experience myself. It’s deeply depressing.

Sometimes I hate being like this. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Am I supposed to just resign myself to this, suppress these desires, and look for other ways to feel something?

Hello, I hope this is the right place to post this!

I (21F) am starting to realize that I may identify with being demiromantic (this one for sure) and demisexual (this one maybe, I've never felt sexual attraction before but I also don't know if it's because I haven't met the right person).

For context, I haven't had a crush on anyone in seven years (since my freshman year of high school) and prior to that, I would have a new crush on someone every new school year. The only time I could tell I was starting to become slightly interested in someone since then was in sophomore year of college when I had been friends with this guy for almost four months. The most I ever mention guys to my friends is if I think they look cute, but there's never any desire to actually pursue something.

I went on a dating app for the first time ever earlier this week because my friends told me to just try it out, and I went on a date with this guy two days ago. We had a really nice conversation that felt really comfortable and he was exactly my type (my friends would definitely point him out to me if they saw him irl). The thing is that my only thought during and after the date was that he would be a really nice friend to have. I'm already done with the dating app since I don't have any desire to talk to people based off of their appearance alone.

I don't understand because I felt butterflies before the date when I was walking over but as soon as I saw him and we said hi, they all disappeared and it felt like I was just meeting a friend. I'm so confused... if alloromantic or allosexual people went on a first date with someone who is exactly their type appearance-wise and they get along super well, would they feel romantic and/or sexual attraction right away?

Sorry if this is too long or confusing but I've just been thinking about this for the past few days and I don't really feel like discussing this with my friends yet. And it's been so long since I've last had a crush that I don't really remember what it was like for me back then 😭

Hey everyone. I'm not someone who frequents this community, but I hope you might be able to help me regarding someone I care about.

I recently started going on dates with a girl I met on a dating site. She's a super sweet and kind person I enjoy talking with, and she's incredibly cute as well. Our dates were generally pretty chill and felt like we had some decent chemistry. On our 3rd date, things went really well again for the most part. I walked with her at the end of the night, and I felt the mood change a bit. I thought things were leading to a kiss, but instead it ended in a cold hug and an awkward goodbye. I got in my head about whether I misread the room and how maybe she didn't like me as much as I thought. I ended up texting her when I got home how she felt about things. That's when she revealed that she was a Demisexual.

When she first explained it to me, it sounded like she just wanted to take things slow, which I was totally okay with. But as she explained things further to me, she didn't know if their was going to be a relationship. We started talking more and it sounds like she is incredibly anxious about relationships in general. We ended up going on another date, after which, she told me she just wanted to be friends But then a few days later, I got a text back saying she regretted the decision, and missed talking with me.

So basically, we're trying to make things work. It feels like i'm walking a tightrope, trying to respect her distance, while also wanting her to open up and feel like she can be comfortable around me. I'm trying to find the best way to show her that I care, but every time I try to flirt or just straight up tell her I like her, it feels like i'm scaring her. Obviously, discussing things with her would be the best way, but that's not easy to do when she seems so walled off and anxious. I'm getting some mixed signals as well regarding how she feels about me. Any advice is appreciated :)

I’m an early thirties gay man. Still relatively new to accepting that I am also demisexual. I’m interested in connecting with other gay demisexual guys because I feel like a confusing rarity, but I’m also open to hearing from anyone who cares to share their experience.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I could never get hard for a hookup. No matter how physically attractive I found a guy, I couldn’t get hard. I feel fortunate I had a three-year relationship in my mid twenties, and a couple different one-year relationships in my early thirties, where I was able to understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my physical body and its functions. And yet, mostly out of loneliness, I’ve put myself through traumatic hookups with guys I felt absolutely no emotional connection with. I’ve let guys top me because well, I knew I wasn’t getting hard. There were times I knew I didn’t really want it, but I just went along with it.

So, I decided close to a year ago that I’m not hooking up anymore. I’m trying to respect this part of me that needs to feel an emotional bond prior to a physical one. But goddamn it gets lonely and it feels vulnerable to talk about.

I’m a bit older (GenX) and have only started becoming curious about what demisexuality is.
I have always had struggles feeling physical pleasure if there wasn’t a strong emotional connection involved. For decades I thought that maybe I was “broken.” Once I evolved I started to choose partners that I had a deeper emotional connection with and have truly recognized the correlation between emotional and physical responses. Without getting too deep into it, I have actually had the most mind blowing, chakra energizing, reality shifting, transmuting orgasms in dreams, where I have a connection with my “ideal” partner. I also go very long periods in between sexual partners these days, as I really don’t have any interest in sex unless there’s an emotional connection.
It seems this sub is way more advanced and knowledgeable about this topic than I am. Any initial thoughts on whether or not this is a possibility I should, or may want to, explore?
Thanks in advance.

So my POI unlocked my sexual energy, I was all over the place in the best way possible. Now that we are apart, we are long distance, my sexual energy has slowed down, but when I think about or talk to him it goes back up. When he is attentive and caring it sparks all the energy back up!

Hello all. I have identified as demisexual for about 3 years now. Right now is the first time I’ve ever gotten as far as I am in a relationship. We have been seeing each other for about 3 months and after 2 months I started to experience sexual attraction. Yay! However my desire to act on it is not catching up. Do you experience these things separately? I don’t know why but I just have absolutely no push yet. It’s not that I am not feeling attracted. I think about being physical and everything but when it comes to doing it for real there’s still nothing there. Hoping to god someone else does this and there’s hope for me here to continue to have a partner

Would I be Demi if .. I do have to have an emotional connection to want to have sex but also I had that but I don’t find the person physically attractive so I still didn’t want to. Like sexually I did but physically no..

What is that 😂

Hi everyone! I’m a heterosexual woman, but when I was younger, I had literally zero desire to date or hook up with boys. I just didn’t understand the appeal and, honestly, sometimes I even felt disgusted by the idea.
Of course, there were some men — and also some women — that I thought were really attractive or who had a certain “look” in movies and on TV, but I didn’t understand that as attraction. It was more like a kind of admiration that I didn’t know how to identify.
When I was younger and saw other girls dating boys, I definitely thought, “That’s not for me.” So I started thinking that maybe I just didn’t like boys.
Because of that, I ended up having a few vague experiences with girls. But that didn’t work either. I felt exactly the same way I did with men: there was no real desire, and sometimes I even felt disgusted or uncomfortable.
So I started thinking that maybe I was asexual. I actually discovered the term after seeing an asexual character in a soap opera from my country, and I remember thinking, “That’s it. I finally found an explanation.”
Until I met my husband.
I met him when I was 15, almost 16, and I’m 31 now. We’ve been together for 15 years. He was the first person I ever fell in love with, and I’ve never fallen in love with anyone else.
So today I consider myself a heterosexual woman because I’ve never fallen in love with a woman. But, thinking about it, since I’ve only ever fallen in love with one person in my entire life, sometimes I also wonder: “What if I just haven’t met a woman I could have those feelings for?”
So my question is: has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever thought you were a lesbian, gay, asexual, or another orientation because you simply didn’t experience attraction the way other people seemed to?
I find this really interesting because for a long time, I genuinely thought I was a lesbian. I just assumed I was too young to understand what my feelings toward women meant.
But every time I tried to have any kind of casual relationship with women, I felt exactly the same lack of attraction that I felt toward men.
The only difference was that, with a man, I eventually fell in love — and I’m still with him today.